Curves with Attitude

I get tagged for writing prompts all the time, in email and in blogs. I've gotten 3 this week. So I'm going to do my best to do all 3 today while the baby is taking a mysterious 3rd nap of the day...

Labels: Blog, Boredom, Family, Married Life, Mommy Diaries

Friday my sister in law came over and spent part of the day helping get set up for the yardsale and Friday night my husband and I drove around putting up yardsale signs. My mom had to bail at the last minute on helping us watch the kids so I came home and prepped for a day of yardsaling in 100 degree heat while holding a 20 pound wiggle worm and went to bed. We were up by 5:30 Saturday morning and by 7 am my driveway was swarming with toddlers, shoppers and stuff for sale. My husband and mother-in-law alternated coming outside and playing with the kids inside until it got hot, then they moved to inside. My sister-in-law and I sat outside in 100 degree heat making dollars at a time. All in all it was a good sale. The other people made about $200 combined and I made $250.00 mostly by selling the little stuff. There is still a pile of free furniture at the end of my driveway that no one has taken away. I called salvation army this morning, they'll come get it later this week if no one else does.

After the yardsale my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and neice went to a swim party and while they were gone I did my best to pick up my thrashed house, catch up my emails and shower. My husband left for work, I put the baby down for another nap and then my neice was back for her 2nd sleep over here. The first time she didn't do very well. It scared her. This time...she was perfect.

The girls played for awhile, we ate dinner, and my daughter took up her hero worship role...chasing her cousin around, laughing constantly and whipping herself in circles trying to keep eye contact on a VERY active toddler. It was cute to watch and I got a few videos. Nevaeh was a good sport, stopping occassionally to love on her, dance next to her or try to feed her a raisin.

At one point I looked over to see Nevaeh grunting, squating in a corner and I thought "oh no" because there were little black things all over the floor... turns out she had hidden a second raisin box and was trying to open it herself. Phew!

Later she told me she was "poo poo" and when she wasn't I got the bright idea to sit her on a toilet, I read 3 pages of a book before she was a big girl on the potty. We danced and had a teaspoon of ice cream (mental note to self, get M&Ms). Later she went pee in the potty too, that time I think she forced herself to get another teaspoon of ice cream.

There was no crying and she didn't even ask about Mommy until after I put my daughter to bed (who by the way went down easy and slept hard from all that worshiping). Then the conversation went like this....

Toddler: Mommy?
Me: Mommy went bye bye you're going to sleep in Layla's room tonight.
Toddler: Layla sleeping in DaddyUncleJons Room Shhh...
Me: Yes she is.
Toddler: UncaJon Vorking Outside
Me: Yes he'll be here in the morning.
Toddler: Mommy a bye bye ok

Then she rushed back to playing. She took a quick bath, then we put some aloe on her sunburn. And I gave her a milk bottle while she watched me do dishes. Then I said it was time for bed. She ran to Layla's room, crawled into her crib by herself and started asking me for stuffed animals she could see in the room. Six stuffed animals later I cut her off and said goodnight and left the room. I went back 20 minutes later because I thought she might be playing or have gotten out of the crib. It was too quiet. Turns out she was just sleeping. Silly me.

The next morning was also uneventful, although she did get up super early because my child has taken to getting up at 5:30 the last couple days. So we took an early nap. But not, of course, before she woke up Uncle Jon on his day off. She's a funny kid.

My sister in law picked her up after church and then after my daughter took a nap we went to spend some of our loot. We're a boring sort, we got groceries, some clothing for a wedding and um... yea I think that was it. But, it was totally worth it to get part of my storage shed back!

Labels: Family, Layla, Mommy Diaries

Labels: Layla, Mommy Diaries

Today I found a spider running up my pant leg. It was one of the many joyful moments of swearing I've had since I started gathering stuff up for our family yardsale this weekend. Moments like when I dropped a shelf on my foot. Or that great time when I discovered cobwebs in a box of maternity clothes filled with baby spiders. A box which I threw away... and then had to go to the bathroom, strip naked and check to make sure all that creepy crawliness I was feeling was my imagination and not a new baby spider indoor infestation.

I'm telling you people. It's been lovely. But, I am done with the hunter gatherer phase of the horrors of yard sale. Tomorrow my sister in law and I will spend all day in 90 degree heat with small children and little neon colored dots pricing things we no longer value and the next day as the flea market vultures circle in the smoke filled air from the CA valley fires, we will laugh as we gather what we hope will be fist fulls of money.

Now everyone has a different yard sale strategy. Mine is price low, sell low, have more space for the stuff you really want to keep. I'm not in it for the money (although it's a nice perk) I just don't want to have a spider hut instead of a storage shed.

Maybe my new found riches will by me lunch, maybe they'll buy my daughter a new dress, perhaps they are the stuff video games and scrapbook supplies are made of. I really don't care, just as long as it's at least a year before I have to do it again. Maybe by then I'll have worked up enough energy to actually have a TWO day sale.

Err... Maybe not.

Labels: Family, Mommy Diaries

While the first nap of the day was met with screaming, back arching, alligator tears and the fury of a baby scourned our second nap of the day was met with...well... how do I put this nicely... nada/nothing/zip/zilch/ the big ZERO.

Yea...

I guess she decided that I wasn't kidding.

I laid her down... she fussed, I closed the door... she went to sleep. It's been almost an hour and a half... so I think it stuck.

Yay Team!

Labels: Layla, Mommy Diaries

As I sit typing this my daughter is screaming in the next room. Now before you give me the bad parent of the year lecture, let me explain.

Up until two weeks ago Layla slept in her crib for all naps and she always went to bed without a fuss. While her godmother was here she had a cold and I made the mistake a couple times when she was over tired of laying down with her in our bed. Now she's addicted.

Let me tell you people, I don't have time to nap. I'm looking for a job. I'm prepping a yardsale. I have dishes to do. And when you lay down next to a peaceful baby, you always nap.

Yesterday I started the graduation back into napping alone. I put her in bed and let her cry it out a few times, eventually caving after over 45 minutes and putting her in bed with me. Last night I sat in the room, I didn't talk to her I was just there... until she crashed out. Today... today she has so far cried for 11 minutes.

I'm sitting in here crying too. I hate the sound of it. I've peeked in twice to make sure she isn't caught in the side of the crib but I know she's not. It's a different kind of cry.

So I turned on the dishwasher, turned up the TV and sat down to type hoping her cry would melt into the white noise. I focus on other things. And I wait. Because, I know this won't kill her... or me... but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like dying.

Labels: Layla, Mommy Diaries

Trying to get a video of my daughter crawling is not unlike trying to catch rare film footage of a Yeti in the forest. She's her fathers child and when the camera comes out she does her best to stop whatever cute activity might be in progress and give me the evil eye. Normally if I wait long enough she starts again. Crawling... it appears... is the exception.

Although in trying to get a video of crawling I now have great videos of her talking, rolling, doing the worm, sitting up, playing, crying and even blowing snot bubbles. Most of it's too long to post. So really...

I've got nothing people.

Labels: Layla, Mommy Diaries

At the tone the time will be 11:45 and 23 seconds. My hair is in a matted slept in pony tail, my legs aren't shaven and I still have on the pjs I've worn to bed every night this week. I smell of apple sauce, baby wipes and PTSD.

My child has decided she can vomit at will. This means when you do something she doesn't like... like I don't know lay her down on the changing table... she'll cry once or twice, cough on her own spit, stick her fingers in her mouth too far to make sure it's a done deal and then vomit (in a laying position) so that she chokes and you sit her up again.

Then as the squash scented vomit sprays your arms, her legs and the changing table she will cry in a wobbly paniced voice "mommie". Damn straight she only says it when she knows I'm trying to debate between screaming or crying.

So I wipe her down with a few wet naps while she screams then change a diaper with one hand while she's standing and holding on to my nightgown for dear life screaming my name. You ever put a diaper on a standing kid? Well it's not easy.

Then I sweep her up and find a paci. We only give her pacifiers now when there is panic or sleeping involved. This is panic...so I cave easily. I escort her to my bed where I wrap her nearly naked body in the comforter. Wails that mirror someone's flesh being peeled off ensue. So I take the comforter back off. She pulls my pillow out from under my head and lays her red teary face on it.

Hmmm... maybe she likes the jersey knit sheets I think. I pull the sheet up over her and she snuggles in wiping it repeatedly with her left hand while saying "al done" and "mommie" in constant weak repeat.

I start to sing "baby mine don't you cry..." by the "lay your sweet head" line her eyes are closed despite deep breathing and occassional whimpers for "al done, mommy, a dadi". So I surround her with the pillow fort and head to her room to clean the walls, changing table, and my personal favorite...the carpet.

Perhaps it's not the smell of PTSD, maybe it's just lysol and resolve. Really it's hard to tell at this point. But I do know I'm going to have to get one more jersey sheet and make it into a small baby woobie so I don't keep losing my dang pillow.

Labels: Layla, Mommy Diaries

I recently heard it said that "making a good choice is 30 % luck, 50 % decision, and 20 % perception of others". Ain't that the truth. Think about it, how often to do you make a choice thinking... yep that's what God wanted... only to absent mindedly stumble into what God actually wanted you to do? How many times have you changed your mind at the last moment because of what someone else might say? How many times have you re-wrote the same pros and cons list in your mind only to decide it really didn't matter what side you choose they both had equal pros and cons.

The things I find more important than the choices I make is how I react to what happens after I make them. That's also what I use when I'm looking at others to see what kind of people they are. You could always do the "godly thing" or the "right thing" or the "proper thing" but I could care less about that. I care more about what you do when the Godly thing backfires for your cousin, or the right thing crumbles under you little sisters feet or the proper thing flips off your best friend. There in that moment I define you.

I define you but I don't judge you. I would never sit down and tell you that you were good, bad or indifferent because of what I think about how you handled something. I don't do it because I don't believe in putting you in a box. I don't assume I have all the answers.

I assume that maybe today you had to make the stupid choice of your life so that 4 generations from now your great grandchild could save an entire culture because of something she learned from some man you never met. But you see, she wouldn't be here if it weren't for that stumble. I assume that maybe tomorrow the dumbest thing you've ever done might save a life, strengthen a marriage or start a revolution.

It's a lofty assumption and it might not be right. But, I think it's better than assuming you're flushing your life away because you accidently stepped off the path and made a foot print in the grass. You see, I have to believe that. I have to believe in you. Because mistakes, whether you know it or not, are the thing that keep our eyes on God.

Our mistakes draw us to him in times of desperation, salvation and forgiveness. Mistakes teach us to love, they show our kids that forgiveness can save a nation and they show the people who don't know him yet that they are just as broken and lovable as we are.

And if we aren't choicing to show people that... what are we really saying about God?

Labels: Church, Family

7:05 pm. I'm hitting speed dial 4 on my phone. It usually takes about 6 rings... she's not very prompt on phone answering but by 7:10 most nights lately we've both given the highlight reel from our day. That's our version of Rock Paper Scissors. The winner gets to dominate the first hour or more of conversation on a bad day. The loser, will wait and fill in their story at the end of the conversation or the next day depending on how the drama of the day went.

We didn't talk for years. I usually describe it as "we grew apart" but the truth of the matter is our paths were very different for a long time but eerily the same too. Now we're both in a household of three, the youngest of which is usually trying to escape a diaper change if we're talking before 8 pm.

The magic part is how we never run out of things to talk about and how we don't mind if it isn't our turn to talk. It's so not third grade but it's filled with all the comfort and ease of an elementary school playground friendship. We talk about nothing and everything, switching back and forth with skill the greatest sitcom could not master.

Abraham Lincoln. Board games. Diaper brands. Family crisis. Paychecks. Lack of paychecks. Phone bills. Uncle Bill. 4th grade. Bubble gum. Recipes for Rack of Rib. Cookie Preferences. (6 minutes later)....

"let me call you right back"... or sometimes just "oh shit kid" which is Far Away BFF for I'll call you when I can I just developed a case of terrible twos. We know when the house phone rings it's probably my mother and that when someone starts repeating what you're saying a significant other is giving them a funny look from the couch.

It's odd how who we are now slipped so easily back into who we used to be. And, it's odd how it happened just when we needed it most. Through me she found a better relationship with God and someone to call to celebrate when the baby drew a perfect letter P. Through her I found my confidence to tell people off again (and while that doesn't sound important boy let me tell you when it's missing it's like losing your voice) and someone to call mid day when the drama boils up around me.

It's beautiful how God lets us find ourselves through redefining our relationship with others.

Labels: Friends

I'm too poor to go on a vacation so I declared last Friday through today to be my HOMEcation. During my Homecation I had a visit from my mother and we went yard sale shopping and out to breakfast. I had a small date with my hubby to play pool. I had a father's day BBQ with my Daddy. I was supposed to have a Bday dinner with Jon's Mom for her birthday but the baby was sick. Then I had 3 days of Cousin S also known as Layla's Godmother. During those three days we had an alcohol stuper inducing BBQ with friends and family, my hubby got to go shooting at the range and then we had a Bday party for one of our good friends. This morning we ended the Godmother time with a quick breakfast at IHOP (mmm blueberry pancakes). Tomorrow is the last day of my HOMEcation and it's dinner with my Father in law, his soon to be wife and meeting her kids for the first time so they can see the baby. Anything that involves free mexican food is high on my list of cool things. So I'm looking forward to it. Layla says PaPa so it should be fun for them too. Saturday I start the prep for my yardsale next weekend. Rumor has it that there is a party next week too which should be fun.

The thing is... it was an awesome HOMEcation. While a couple people tried to break my funcoaster, they never got through. I also had a couple really great phone calls from my Far Away BFF who I am trying to talk into moving MUCH MUCH closer.

Starting Monday AM I'll be back to REALLY looking for a job and not just in that meeting the deadlines for County jobs sort of way. I'm hoping that by Saturday I'll be all ready for the yardsale and make some extra summer time cash.

I wish I had a more meaningful post to put up today but the truth of the matter is I took 2 naps with the baby today (the second one was 3 hours) and I'm just not that motivated. There will be microwave burritos for the hubby for dinner and the baby will be having a Gerber Mixed Veggie night and I'm going to get my pepsi with ice, take a $10 in gas drive and talk on the phone. I can't wait.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

Of course my child who never picks up anything and puts it into her mouth decided to use her new pincher grasp today to pick up a pea that somehow got missed a few days ago and put it in her mouth and try to eat it. I guess you can't die from a dehydrated pea but gosh it was gross.

Then my landlord who is part of Satan's Pit Crew lately came and decided to put some new posts in the front yard, of course, it was during nap time. So nap time was late due to laying on the ground and crying in frustration while the pounding just wouldn't stop.

On the upside Layla's cold seems much better today and her Godmom is coming to spend a few nights with us...so she's all dressed up and waiting for the arrival of hugs and kisses.

This week is busy. We'll have company, a BBQ Birthday Bash, and dinner with my father in law all before Saturday. And next week, well that prep for our yard sale that must get done before the 28th when frugal shoppers invade our driveway at 7 am.

So while I'm nice and busy I'm going to recommed two new blogs to you...

The first one is my sister in law Mel's first attempt at blogging called The Jeffery's in WA. It is aptly named being as they just moved to Washington last month. So far she's only a few posts in but I'm excited because it is after all... a great way to see pictures of my neice.

The second one is my friend Pheonix's Momma who has a blog called Life and Times of a Displaced Californian which is all about her life in WA with her two year old just starting the terrible two's. She getting better about posting often so I'm supper excited about that. She's one of those girlfriends who in the middle of a story isn't scared to say "hey that would make a great blog or title" which means as soon as she gets in the swing of posting her blog will be a lot of fun.

And just because not everyone I know in real life lives in Washington I'm also going to recommend Practicing Patience and introduce you all to my friend Courtney. Courtney is a great cook so soon she'll be a contributor over on my food blog Fat Girl Eats but until then you can get your Courtney fix on her site.

I was going to link you to a couple more in real life friends and their blogs but when I took a look at them I realized they don't post often or they don't post anything other than junk (you know email's and MIME's) so this is the best I can do.

Enjoy... and I'll talk to you all later this week if I have time!

Labels: Blog, Family, Friends, Mommy Diaries

Labels: Married Life

Labels: Family

So I talked to someone at the EDD finally and was assured my check would go out at the end of the day today. That in fact, I had done everything already. Phew. But I don't trust them now.

So I get the baby in the car and drive by Jon's work to give him an update and borrow his ATM card because I accidently washed mine in my jeans and I'm not sure it will work. I go to the grocery store and when I get home a back breaks shattering a $12 bottle of olive oil on the garage floor.

Thanks. I muttered.

Then I get inside and while I try to feed the screaming baby I get an unknown call. Mystery EDD interviewer #2 informs me his system is down but it told him to call me between 1 and 3. Great. So I don't know if something else happened to my claim or not and neither does he but he says he'll call me back if the computer comes up.

And when he does... he asks me the same damn questions because he has no idea what I'm talking about. So I call the supervisor again because really people... I'm unemployed, my kid is screaming and I have nothing left to lose.

This time she gives me a check number and amount.

I better get a dang check... otherwise I'm going to call every 5 minutes on Monday until someone actually helps me get my money which I earned and I paid into.

Jerks.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I had a small kitchen fire, I fell down in the front yard, I got stood up by a family member and I had this EDD mess today.

I hate rollercoasters.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

Never trust. That's what life has taught me. For a brief second I started to believe that everything would be ok. It was a nice 3 days.

Then today I got the news that the person handling my EDD claim, the UI claim that makes or breaks us. Didn't do anything! Nothing! So I have to do the whole process over again which they tell me will be another 7-10 days. Again!

There is no money left without this. I do not know how to describe the panic I am feeling as I weep while watching my daughter play.

I am lost.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

The hubby had to run somewhere really quick and I thought, ok I'll throw on dinner while he's gone.

3 minutes later...

Baby screaming, phone ringing, chuck burning, potatoes boiling over.

5 minutes after that...

Burnt on the outside/raw on the inside chuck in the oven now, corn boiling, potatoes lumpy because I drained them too early, baby eating raisins in a high chair while screaming.

7 minutes after that...

It's all on the counter and I quit. The baby had vegetables from a plastic container.

I don't often destroy dinner. I'm a dang good cook. Tonight I was out numbered. If anyone would like some left over suck, it's still on the counter.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

They told me yesterday that it takes 7-10 days to process a Unemployment Claim in the state of CA. I resisted the urge to point out that they've had my claim since Friday so I should be done by Monday at the latest. Instead each morning after the new stuff posts at 6 am I'll be calling and if by Friday I don't see any action on the automated line I'll be pressing 0 and waiting as long as it takes to get a human.

I don't trust them. It's not them, it's me. Really it is. I NEED things, rent things, bill things, food things, baby things. But the main thing I need is a check that proves that this whole fighting my claim thing really is over. What I didn't tell you that story... well... let's start a week ago.

I get a letter saying I have a EDD phone interview on the 10th. No big deal, everyone gets one of those. So I say a little prayer and mark it on the calendar. On the 8th I send in my first claim form (as requested by the EDD) and on the 9th I get a letter **which btw said it was sent on the 9th...tricky bastards** saying I had a phone interview on the 13th. Of course I get this letter too late to call the EDD who closes at 5 pm.

So the next morning at 8 am I call to see which interview I've really got. I get put on hold and then someone tells me that they will call me back in just a minute they are having a computer problem. At 10 am (my interview time from the first letter) I get a no call... 10:45 the phone finally rings and the girl tells me she'll merge both interviews into one. Cool.

Turns out my old work was being wankers and said I worked there until the 21st but I didn't work there. Yeah, the jerks paid me under a different business name so they tried to contest on the grounds that I wasn't an employee of that specific company. A*holes. But after hearing my story she tells me I'm eligible *mainly because I documented things well* and that I will get a check when it processes 10 days after they get my claim form.

But you should already have my claim form? So I ask about it. Oh yes it's here, looks great 10 days.

Wonderful...

More waiting.

In the meantime it's a busy week. Yesterday I had an interview & test in the evening for a city job. Today I had a list of 11 errands and to-do items to get done. Tomorrow I have a baby nutrition class. Friday my mom is coming to visit. She's spending one night, maybe 2... Saturday we'll be going to yard sales and visiting family friends. Sunday is of course Father's Day and there are lots of those within driving range. Monday is my Mom2 (mother-in-law's) birthday. Tuesday our cousin is coming to stay with us for several days. One of those day's is Jon's friends birthday and they're having a BBQ. And next Friday my GF from WA is flying down for a visit... so I'm going to consider myself booked all weekend. The next weekend is our multi-family yardsale.

I love June. It's so much less busy and stressful than May.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

I feel like I'm always waiting for something. Lord knows, I'm not the patient type. So instead, I feel like I'm in a constant state of almost. I am neither here nor there. I am not yet done and somehow still magically a long way past the start. I am the middle ground.

My nails are chewed down to the point of pain and bleeding. My sore hands match my heavy heart. I am always waiting for someone else to decide.

I give to God my frustrations and he smiles at my weak nature. He says wait longer child I am not done teaching you. So I fight it all the way to the finish one more time.

It's just my nature.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

Labels: Mommy Diaries

Labels: Concerts, Family, Festivals, Friends

Labels: Family, Layla, Mommy Diaries

I wake up first to the sound of movement past my feet in the crib and I roll over to see that the clock says 3 am. Before I turn my head back she is screaming and crying. She's woken up to find that I am missing. She wants to snuggle and I can hear it through the darkness.

I sweep her into my arms, grab the pacifier and plop her down between myself and my husband in bed. She grabs a handful of my shirt and pulls me near, and she falls back to sleep without letting go. I feel like I have neglected her trust that I will always be there so I watch her sleep holding tightly to me.

When she wakes up again at 7 she quickly searches the surroundings taking comfort in the fact that the room is no longer dark and we are still there. She alternates rolling back and forth poking daddy "hi dadi" and then grabbing mommy's nose "hi Mm Mma". Occasionally she kicks someone or dances in place while say "pup pup pup" she wants UP.

As I start my day I look at her and see what a difference it makes in her life already that we are there. Just being there.

Labels: Mommy Diaries

Labels: Layla, Mommy Diaries

I got tagged for yet another MIME this one is a writing prompt called memories where you write a small paragraph about each of 6 scenarios...enjoy...

1. it is elementary school recess...

I am at the Bonita a small agricultural town elementary school filled with migrant worker kids, farmer kids, and a small spattering of transfer kids from the nearby towns which had bigger schools. The school had an old battered gym which was my playground all summer in the evening and most afternoons after classes got out and my homework was done but it was off limits during classes. Restricted from pretending the back steps and ladders was my own private estate in my imagination, I'd resolve myself to wait in line for the swings. Swinging felt like flying and I loved the freedom of it. You could see the whole playground from the swings and I'd watch everyone else participate in their own little glimpses of freedom.

2. it is summer vacation and you are 15...

Banana boat sun tan lotion in a brown bottle, watermelon bubble yum gum, a hot pink and lime green hair scrunchy and an anklet from the mall rounded out my bathing suit and flip flop of choice each day. I'd tote my swim bag filled with towel, snacks and pocket change to the community pool where I'd meet my friends and we'd rule the summer from our corner of the concrete from 10 am until 6 pm each day.

3. it is the highschool football homecoming game...

My friends are all stuck in the band section playing songs that are popular only while eating a 3 dollar hot dog on a metal seat. I am standing by the snack bar, completely uninterested in a popular kid sport being played on a grass field. Instead I make fun conversation that I would never miss and wait for the game to end so that my friends and I can make a brief appearance at the dance and then take off my in my car to play pool in the bigger town near by.

4. it is the last summer before college...

One of my best friends has a son who is almost 2. Instead of spending my summer running away with other friends we spend most of the summer hanging out at my house or her house. We work at the college together and we car pool. When we aren't working we go to the movies, the mall and we play pool. She's part of the family, participating in game nights with my parents, going on road trips with me and finding things to do without a lot of money.

5. it is a night at home with the family...

We brought her home from the hospital today and no one is here. I mean no one, they all left, I guess to give us space but it wasn't what I pictured my homecoming to be like. We fuss about for a few minutes figuring out where to put the car seat now and where we wanted things to go. We change a diaper and make a bottle. We sit on the couch and she is asleep in his arms while I go through my hospital papers. We are home and we don't even know it yet.

6. it is a road trip with friends...

We pile into my car. There are 4 of us, my husband, his friend G and my friend J and we are going to the Monterey area to have some fun. After a long road trip we arrive to find out that the power is out on Cannery Row but we shop anyhow for a few hours fooling around and taking pictures. When we get ready to eat the lack of power puts us on the road again and after a cliff side stop to see a sunset we find a parking spot and a place to eat in Capitola right on the beach. Then on the ride home one by one people fall asleep while we listen to Journey on an ipod connected to my stereo. It was good times.

Labels: Blog, Friends, Married Life, Mommy Diaries

Labels: wordlesswed

I got hit by one of those word association games in MIME and I thought... hey that might make a good blog. So if you need something to write about feel free to snag it.

Below is a list of 12 words. Write 1 paragraph about what you think of (in your life) when you hear that word.

1. Home

When I was little we lived in a house in the country. My whole life that has been the place I think of when I think of home. Ironically we probably lived there the least amount of time, but, I was young. I vividly remember the way the Euculyptus trees smelt in the morning, the way the brown carpet was under your tummy when you played in the den and the brightness of the lights in the kitchen. I've had other homes, I've lived lots of places but that one is the first one that usually pops in my head.

2. Family

When I hear the word family I am instantly transported to my Grandma Gerty's kitchen table the day my Uncle told her he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant while I played in the other room. She said "you can't walk away from what God connects you to". Which was odd because she never said stuff that philosophical. But now that I have a family of my own I totally understand. I could not walk away... God has connected me with a bond too tight.

3. Marriage

Princess Bride... "love true love"... but seriously, marraige to me was always some romantic thing I'd do when I grew up until I grew up and realized marraige is a commitment to work it out, work through it and work on it constantly. Marraige is both a challenge and a comfort. For my marriage could be summed up at that moment when we got home from the honeymoon and came to the crashing realization that we were in debt, tired and that a wedding takes a lot out of you but we could still make each other laugh so we'd be ok.

4. Sex

Sex is one of those things that the more you joke about it the less of it you're probably having. And I am a regular Dane Cook about sex lately.

5. Friends

Yesterday I didn't know if I did the right thing. So when the minutes went to free on the cell phone I called my girl in WA and we talked. We talked about her overwhelming day and my overwhelming day and it wasn't about outdoing each other or being the center of anything, we crossed back and forth through 3 hours of girl talk. Sometimes it was her turn, sometimes it was my turn but we both got off the phone better for the wear.

6. God

God is that moment you realize you can't do it on your own and then you remember you don't have to. God is that feeling when you have lost all hope and you find something to believe in. God is not church on Sunday but he can't wait to see you there. God knows you curse too much, drink on Friday nights and cheat when you play board games and he doesn't care because he loves you. And he reminds you in the little things, he finds you in the chaos and wakes you up in the times of stagnant slumber of the soul.

7. Color

When I was little I would push on the crayons so hard that the ends would lose their sharpness and with that I would lose my ability to color in the small spaces. I learned to blend colors in the small places by using the white crayon and dragging little bits of color from other areas. Years later I use this same method on drawing, frosting cakes and making the budget work. Just a little blending can get you far in life.

8. Frustration

I spent the whole day listening to her mope her why through it. A day I thought would be MY day. I felt entitled to my day but I knew she needed it to be all about her. I asked smart questions, I helped make plans and then BOOM she was over it. She says nothing has changed in her situation that she still wants out or something but then with the next breath she'll talk about moving closer together and getting a house or something. I'm over it. My apathy is overwhelming and I don't want to help anymore. I feel betrayed. I feel like my opinion has no value. I don't feel validated and I hate that sometimes I still feel concerned.

9. Happiness

Happiness is 11 pm on a weekend night with a Malibu and Pepsi in one hand and a few playing cards in the other. Happiness is snack foods and the people I consider my family even though they might only be friends bantering back and forth in a cocky tone about who's turn it is to get their "ass handed to them". Happiness is that night we're all together, eating, playing and laughing as one.

10. Silence

I grew up spending summers on the ranch. The living room at my grandparents house could be eerily silent at night if there was no breeze to rustle the trees and the animals had all bedded down for the night. Sometimes now in the evening I will turn everything off and sit in my rocking chair stairing out the open sliding glass door into the night. My ears search for silence and find the sounds of a suburban neighborhood so instead my mind drifts off to a daydream about how the trees would dance in the morning breeze and the light would filter through the picture window and while my ears are busy my heart find silence there.

11. Noise

Her promises are noise to me. Just another chance to not show up always with an excuse. But I love her so I am the one everyone cancels on because I say that it is ok. But me letting it be ok does not make it ok. And so when the words are spoken in the back of my mind I start a back up plan and I start to worry about the "what if" well knowing that the "what if" probably is closer to the truth than the promise.

12. End

The last dollar in a check account, the last diaper in the pack, the last bottle of formula in the microwave and the last 3 days before payday. I've never actually been at all those places at once. But I know if I did get there it would be the end of me. For me the end is not being able to provide for my daughter and husband. Sometimes I fear the end is near and usually right before I panic I find a little piece of God in my heart.

Labels: Blog

Today I had a job interview for a job that paid enough for Jon and I to live on. While I was at that interview I got shuffled off to interview with someone else who was half way through hiring someone for a position in her department that they thought I would be a better fit for. Ten minutes after I got home from the interview she called me to do the final interview and gave me the amount she would be paying for the position, saying that if I passed the final interview I would be hired.

It wasn't enough money. After I accepted the interview for later today I started doing math in my head, then I busted out the calculator and a piece of paper and it just wasn't enough.

So now the gamble. Did I go to the interview and possibly take a job that wouldn't be enough until I found something better... or did I say no now, hope I get Unemployment next week during my phone interview and hope for the best.

Well if I take the job and it's not enough money I can't get UI. But if I don't take the job and I don't get UI then I'm screwed.

I decided not to take it. It simply wasn't enough money. But now I'll have that lingering icky feeling for awhile until I get UI and I'm safe.

If cards fall in the right place and our expenses drop because of an answered prayer I might be able to take less the next time it's offered to me... but I can't bank on that now.

So as my husband says... I do what I had planned to do... I wait for a good job instead of another bad job that pays ok. And I wait.

In other news I have a City interview on the 10th. The same day (but a different time as my UI interview). Wish me luck.

Labels: J O B, Married Life

I've been praying a lot lately about jobs, money and the possibility of downsizing our home due to high rents. There is a small possibility that today God answered one of those prayers. We'll see... only time will tell.

Today I also went to the Apricot Fiesta in Patterson which you can read about here. There is also a cute pic of my daughter eating garlic fries.

Tomorrow I am cursed with a DMV appointment and an interview for a job. Pray for me. 1) that I don't kill a DMV employee or commit suicide while I wait for the DMV to see fit to help me 30 minutes after my appointment and 2) that my job interview goes well.

Labels: Church, Festivals, J O B