Disneyland Day 5- Breakfast at the Carnation Cafe

On Thursday morning after a wedding that goes on well passed 1 am the easiest way to get yourself out of bed is the promise of Mickey Mouse shaped waffles. Traditionally, Jon and I eat inside the park every day for every meal but we didn't on this trip for several reasons (budget, wedding dinners, small children) anyhow... we knew we wanted to go to the Carnation Cafe at least once. Oscar wasn't there but the girls enjoyed their first Mickey shaped waffles. Then we said bye bye to Jon for a bit while he went to get his tux back to the Best Man to return and headed off with Grammi to see PLAYHOUSE DISNEY!!

Disneyland & The Fish Wedding

First let me apologize for the quality of these pictures. I forgot the camera. I got ready by myself at one end of the Disneyland area and walked to the whole other end before I remembered. So these are iPhone pictures (no flash). Some of the pictures were Jon's and some mine.

Jon was a groomsmen so I met up with him just before the wedding to say "hi, you look nice, hold your wives ID she doesn't have pockets in this dress" and then I didn't see him really again until after the wedding. Jon also sat with the wedding party at the reception so I spent my night in the company of Devon and the Santos family who made me feel right at home.

The wedding was lovely. It was in the Garden by the Disneyland hotel and it was decorated awesomely. The reception was INSIDE Disneyland. So we were escorted back to the park after it closed, taken to the reception on a private train ride and then we got to see the Haunted Mansion in it's nighttime Nightmare Before Christmas Splendor while we had the drinks reception by the New Orleans Fountain and then a private dinner and dancing. It was all lovely. iPhone's don't do the lovely wedding couple, wedding party or decor justice. I'll steal better pictures from others later.

Also, on your way out you got to be privately escorted out of lite Main Street passed the castle while the park was vacant and it's BEAUTIFUL... just like the Fish Family. We heart Chris and Brandy and love that we got to share this experience with them and support them on this new part of their relationship.

Layla's First Movie Theatre Experience

We went to see Despicable Me today in the theatre. We had nachos, popcorn, M&M's, Gummy Bears and soda. We watched in anticipation. And we laughed...oh how we laughed...those minions are hilarious. When it was scary Layla hid behind the row of seats in front of us and watched through the cracks. Most of the time she sat on someone's lap. She leap frogged from Mommy to Daddy to George to Nannie and then back again. She was completely well behaved. She loved the movie itself. She kept telling George "look a big movie on the big tv at the show" over and over. Too cute!

Definitely a wonderful thing to knock off our fun list of things to try this summer. The first movie in the theatre was a HUGE success.

The Christmas Lights Parade

Last night was the Christmas Lights Parade downtown. Jon and I go every year. We have taken Layla every year since she was born. Last night was no exception. Last night though, traffic was HORRIBLE. We say 2 accidents on the way there. We got a good parking spot and a decent spot right next to where the judges make announcements. And then we waited and waited.

If you have never been to the Turlock Lights Parade, let me tell you, you have to be there at least 45 minutes early to get a good spot.

Layla got antsy before the parade started so there was some whining, dancing, walking around with daddy, bribery with sugar drinks. But it worked out.

Once the parade started she wanted Daddy to hold her so she could see. She loved pointing at pretty lights and talking about them and waving at kids. She had two candy canes and eventually even stood on her own awhile and watched holding Daddy's hand.

She went right to sleep when we got home because it was passed her bedtime. Another great holiday memory and something I am glad we decided to keep on our to do list.

More pictures will be posted on Layla's site later today.

Eulogy Minus Ad Lib

Jeromy was the most over the top full of life person I ever met. I had the honor of growing up with him and I think that was a huge blessing because were I tended to be a little on the safe and restrained side, he was always there to show me how to experience each moment to the fullest.

When we were 6 or 7 he sprayed the slip in slide in the back yard down with a FULL bottle of baby oil, turned up the sprinkles and planned a super hero sprint followed by a dare devil slide a super speeds into the children’s pool he had placed at the end. And while the trajectory and the math behind it didn’t work out in his favor (in fact the sound of his oiled body bouncing off that kiddy pool sidewall will make me laugh to this day when I remember it) he still took that hit laughing.

When we were 9 he climbed on top of the red metal shed in my parents back yard and announced he was going to jump off like a G.I. Joe. I sensibly warned him that jumping off a shed would hurt and he would get in trouble. He looked back over his shoulder at me and said well how much punishment could there possibly be if I am already hurt? Then he winked and jumped. When he hit the ground he rolled with the impact and rose standing with his hands in the air over his head. TOTALLY WORTH IT! He yelled back up at me. I never jumped.

By the time we were in high school he could take anything in stride and most of our adult life the pictures from every family event and BBQ with friends has his smiling face or some goofy practical joke caught in the act. He knew that laughter and love mattered more then anything else he could give you. When you were with him your bucket overflowed with that laughter and love.
Despite my sometimes being to scared to live a life without regrets the way Jeromy did, he always found ways to push me out of my comfort zone and keep me laughing while he did it. He is responsible for my first ride on a roller coaster, my first F bomb, my first adult beverage, and the first time I walked away from everything I knew and decided to live a life I wanted to live instead of the one I was living at the time.
We were young and in college and he told me that you can never be amazing if you’re too busy worrying about being normal. At 19 he knew the truth. It is better to live a short life that you truly love then a long life that makes you miserable. So it never surprised me when came home and announced he was joining the service and going to see the world. And it never surprised me when he brought home another strange stray human to nurse it back to life. All those international trips, motorcycles, and friends with baggage were his way of changing the world and experiencing as much of it as he could.

He had so much to teach us and every one of us picked up something different. He taught me to use my fear as a tool and not a crutch that kept me from trying new things. He taught some of you to be responsible and to treat others with respect. He taught some of you to love others well or what it was like to be loved for the first time in your life. I know because from the moment he passed the stories I hear are ones filled with honor, life, and love. And after that, there isn’t a better legacy you could leave behind.
So while he will be missed greatly and his shoes can never be filled. I know that the light that shined from his soul flickers in all of us today. And if we focus that little piece of him that he left behind to help someone else, to love well, to be alive, to try something new, todo the right thing just because it’s the right thing… then he continues to live on.

Because loving well is a legacy that lives forever.

The Obit

I have several friends and family members who live far away who have asked to see a copy of the obituary for Jeromy. This is a scanned copy. It can be clicked on, to enlarge to a readable size.

It was bound to happen- tonight it did

My mourning cycle is probably different than yours. I hear the news. I sob uncontrollably until I can't breath. I get up and spring into action. I wait until later to cry. Oh sure, little springs of tears pop up in the beginning, in the hugs and the stories and while I chop the onions for dinner or take that extra long shower...but after awhile I am all mission no mercy...for myself anyhow.

Day one usually finds me making lists and rallying the troups to make sure everyone is fed and has a little light in the end of their darkness. Day two finds me checking things off and sometimes that lasts well into day three or four until at last every item has been taken care of. And there are moments when the stories touch my heart or the memories get too close to home. Moments in the shower mostly where I break down and sob.

Today, I finished the last thing on the funeral checklist along with my mom. Urns, viewing suits, pictures for slide shows, music selections, pastor meetings, eulogy writing...it's all done. I even know what everyone is going to wear and where the baby is going to go. After I got home, while the baby was still napping and Jon was on the computer I went upstairs to take a nap, laid on my bed and let it soak into me.

It didn't push me into the crazy. It didn't break me into the depressed. It just flooded me and then it drained from me like a steady leak. And, now I feel dried out and dusty. I feel like if you pick me up and give me a good shake I could rain dust around my feet at the floor. Ashy and light dust the kind that sticks to you and makes your skin grey and dry.

To watch someone who was so good at being alive leave a life he was loving to live. It is liking the summer sun dry out the valley soul. The cracks left behind will heal with the rain but their tracks will be visible for a long time coming.

Swimming

I was a fish in the summers when I was little. I spent every day at the community pool with my friends lathering on the coconut scented dark tanning oil, chewing watermelon bubble yum and floating around on tropical colored inflatable tubes. It was good times.

I am not at all suprised that my child is a fish. Yesterday we went swimming, she never cried until we had to leave. She held her breath, she kicked, she floated around in a little yellow boat until Mommy's shoulders turned pink and it was time to go.

She loved it.

And then my adult wishes list grew one item longer.

I wish I had my own pool.

Maybe someday when I'm all grown up and I own my own home I can make that happen. Because it would be totally awesome to spend every day in the summer outside on a pink tube chewing watermelon bubble yum and watching my kid run around with a sun protective hat and SPF 45 sun tan lotion until that turns into her favorite summer memory too.

By the Railroad

She comes to me in my sleep. A tattered bun tossed on top of her head spun gray and brown. Her arms glowing with a light glisten of sweat from the early summer heat. It is always evening there, a dusty sort of twilight hour where the ice tea glasses seem to echo with clinking ice cubes in the silence that surrounds us. The porch is small but there is room enough for both of us and I sit there entranced by the familiar scent of flowers and wet dirt as she rambles on. Sometimes she stops talking long enough to get up and rustle something about in the house and when she comes back out she always sits silent for a moment. Sometimes if the silence needs to be filled only by comfort I hear her humming songs I never knew I knew. Baby's boat is a silver moon is whispered into my ear even though she hums along without words sailing in the sky and I know that I do not know this song. I but yet I can feel it as part of me. Sailing o'er the sea of sleep while the clouds float by so I let it lull me contently.

I do not know why I am here. I do know that I am a visitor to this place lately at least once a week. The tea is barely sweet. The song sometimes changes. She talks about nothing and everything and I wake restless with the desire to be barefooted in dirt and surrounded by tufts of herbs and flowers. I want to eat fresh berries baked in soft warm cobbler drizzles with cream and watch the sky change before a summer storm. I wante to know a simple life and a wholeness of love that I can hear behind that soft lullaby. And I think, if I come here enough nights in a row...she might just teach me.

Third grade

Hot sun on my face I look up towards the sky squinting as the heat of the noon day seems to steam my clothing. All around me swirls of children run in every direction and I can hear them laughing and talking as they chase each other around in a carefree blur on the greenest grass I've ever stood on. My shoes are too tight, my hair too messy and I am instantly not one of them so I stand alone in the sun trying to decide what I should do next. Part of me wants to pull a book out of my bag, sit in the shade and transport myself off to far away place where they don't matter. I've seen what happens to the book worms during recess though so instead I wander to the only empty swing. It is empty, I quickly discover because it has been in the hot sun all day and it burns the back of my legs through my jeans but I sit on it anyhow. I pump my legs with rhythm and determination until the swing begins to soar and the breeze in my hair dances across my sweaty face and cools me. I am above them all looking down and I am free.

In the wind I can hear the song that was playing on the radio that morning. I'm not sure if I hear it in my head or perhaps it is gently gliding in from one of the houses near by but I humm it inside my head as I continue to methodically pump my legs in and out. As the lyrics of the song pick up my empty little soul, I begin to play with fate, my arms stretched out to both sides I swing now without hands. Then quickly grabbing back onto the swing chains with my hands and feeling their rusty hot metal indent my skin I lean back with all my body weight and soar almost upside down feet pointed towards the sky.

Somewhere in my flight I hear a whistle, faintly first and then louder and I open my eyes which I hadn't even realized where closed. The color of the playground, the brightness of the sun and the sounds of children running back to line up for class flood into my head again. I jump off the swing before it stops swinging and hang for a second in the air before my ankles clud ungracefully to the earth and run after them.

The new girl. Last in line, last in role call, last to be picked until you make friends at the kick ball field. And so I walk behind them in line to whatever we're doing next as a class and I day dream. I am in a tall tower and I am doing magic. The magic that I do makes people think I am invisible. And that's how I stay... invisible... at the back of the class, at the top of the swings, at the end of the lunch table up against the back wall of the cafeteria.

In my tower the breeze whips through my hair dancing off my sweaty face. In my tower the music of the town whafts up to me in the breeze and I can sing along without anyone hearing me. In my tower I am waiting for the spell to wear off and to become visible again so I can join them in a great feast like the books I read from the library talk about. Books that smell of old paper and abandonment which tell me that I will not be forgotten in my tower, someday, someone... will rescue me.

NCLUSD Public Pool

When I was 12 I would jump into the pool and let my body weight pull me to the bottom, I'd slowly raise my hands above my head as I sunk feet first into the chlorinated water until it fully engulfed me. My toes would finally hit the bottom and with the slightest push from my bent legs I would shoot up and out of the water as I brought my hands back down to my sides. It was like being launched from a rocket. It was powerful, quiet and calm. In the dead of a valley summer 110 degree day it was cool and comforting. I did it at least 20 times in a row, sometimes several times a day- all summer long.

I wasn't the high dive jumper or the water slide rider. I was the swimmer. I was back and forth from one side to the other, breast stroke, free stroke and when I got tired the back stroke. Thousands of laps every summer until the pale white skin I had in May turned to a dark rum color at the end of August. I was devastated when it closed. I was impatient during the rests and if I stopped with you, it was only to get my strength back to start swimming again.

There were people there, there were things. People I loved... cool friends with side ponytails and hot pink toe nail polish wearing last years bathing suit and helping tote an overflowing bag of things we might need but hardly ever did actually need. Things to be remembered, floating in the big rubber inter tubes, chasing down the ice cream truck for a choco-taco, and then drinking hot flat soda that we prepped 3 hours before.

We were the in crowd there, not because we wanted to be but instead because we were a fixture. We were a part of it like pale blue painted floors and ricketing chain link fences. We were the summer kids. We had no where to be, nothing to do and no one to watch us. We were free.

Too young then to appreciate it. We always wanted another $2.00 for something, a darker tan and a better kick turn at the end of the next lap. And now 17 years later what all of us wouldn't give to be back in the same pool with the same people with that same damn ability to swim all day without burning or getting tired.

Summer is starting. It's not the power of freedom now. Instead it's the reality of higher air conditioning bills, higher SPF and warn out flip flops. But sometimes when we sneak away to a pool somewhere and ease ourselves into the cool water we let ourselves remember. We find ourselves in a little deeper part of the pool, and we sink to the bottom.

Year In Review

You know you have hit a whole new level of pathetic posting when you are willing to cop out with a year in review post so that you can catch up on things at work instead of taking a real lunch break and posting a real blog. Sigh. Oh well... it's the best I have time for so while you try to contain your excitement I'm going to start posting...

January

2005 ended with me looking for a homeless man with several people my age in the rainy darkness of New Year's Eve in San Diego. We found him. We made a small non- memorable dent in a homeless ridden part of the country. It felt good but it was humbling. So January was spent in much the same way. I volunteered a lot at my church (Monte Vista Chapel) in the baby nursery and with some of the groups that I was active in at time.

February

For Valentine's Day the hubby (previously known as the boy in the rain) gave me a kiss. A kiss, I had said he could not have unless we were officially out in the open tell the world dating because we had been "closet dating" and hanging out for quite awhile without letting on how serious or not serious it was at any given time. I'd known for a while that he was the one. But him, he was stubborn. It took him longer and up until that kiss I was just a sitting duck.

March

March 28th is my birthday. I know you all want to write that down so you can send presents.I moved into my house and then last year for my birthday Hubby and I went to Disneyland. It was supposed to be Hubby, myself and 6 or so of my closest friends. They all bailed. So is life. So we went without them. It was the best 4 days of my year. We laughed, we played, he skipped in public, I wore stupid hats. There are almost 200 pictures from 4 days (including travel). It was AWESOME!

April

It wasn't long after Disneyland before Hubby and I knew we were "old married people". Everyone talked to us like we had been dating forever. We knew each other inside out and it was just RIGHT. So right in fact that Hubby asked me to marry him one night in casual conversation and the next morning (it's good to sleep on these things) I said yes. We set the date in Sept mainly based on the fact that we wanted around a 6 month engagement.

May

May was filled with wedding plans, fittings, bookings, food planning, invitation printing. Premartial counceling prep etc etc etc. I also coordinated a wedding in May for my BIL3 & SIL3 because their wedding coordinator went into labor on the day of their wedding (I used to coordinate weddings for a living). So May brought their rehearsal dinner, wedding and my nephew was born to BIL & SIL who was born on BIL birthday.

June

June was a busy month. Work was busy and it was the throws of summer. We spent a lot of time with friends this summer. We attended swimming parties, back yard BBQs and more than one impromtu board game or movie night at my house. Highlights from June include a lot of time spent in my bathing suit & the engagement announcement BBQ that the hubby and I held at our house.

July

4th of July we went to an awesome BBQ with friends and then watched the fireworks from the local college along side the road. After helping someone find their lost keys in the grass we went back to my place to play with sparklers and set off some ground fireworks of our own. July also had some great moments including a board game night at our house and time spent with family.

August

Hubby's birthday is in August. Again...write it down...send giftcards that's all he really wants anyhow. For his birthday I planned a weekend long trip to Humboldt which is where he went to college to visit all of his favorite spots including having some great BBQ and going to the Finnish Hot Tubs. Three days trapped in the car together with 7 people proved exhausting but Hubby loved the trip and I'm still glad we went. The end of August & beginning of Sept. was also both of our Bachlor/Bachlorette parties (his was a camping trip to Yosemite and mine was a road trip to Capitola), my bridal shower (thrown by SIL) & my SIL2's baby shower.

September

September 8th we were married. Officially the little Mr & Mrs we went on our honeymoon to South Lake Tahoe and enjoyed the perks of being married. With Hubby all moved in we quickly found out that I got pregnant on our honeymoon (hey it's easy to tell when you can't hold down food) and we marveled at how easy it actually was to get pregnant despite knowing I had fertility issues. Then it was back to work because financially getting married was a big burden and we wanted to get caught back up.

October

I miscarried in October. It was a horrible month filled with tears, disappointment, and doctor's appointments. Infertility became an obvious foe and we started dealing with prayer circles, horomone spikes and pitches and my inability to forgive people for being insensitive despite saying they were my closest friends. We canceled a lot of plans and tried to spend more quiet one-on-one time in October. But with that tragety there was also a gift or two...a return of an old friend which I had missed very much and the birth of our niece.

November

Just like everyone else we spent a lot of November focused on Thanksgiving. This was our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. Since October we have become very VERY very close to my BIL & SIL and my nephew. We spent a lot of November with them. We enjoyed Thanksgiving spent with my Mother in law (MOM2) and Hubby's side of the family. Our renewed ties with family in our time of loss was probably the thing we were most thankful for this year.

December

Our first Christmas was marked by a December calendar with plans on every single day. There was the Women's Ministry event at church with Judy Howard Peterson, Christmas Tree Lane, our Back in the day party, Christmas eve at MOM2's and Christmas day at our house. All in all, I think we couldn't have had a more better first Christmas. There was a unique mix of both sides of the family, we had a few glimpses of private time, friends came to laugh and play board games and we didn't get into any major disagreements about how Christmas Traditions would be.

So 2007, hit me with your best shot because after a few days off for the holidays I'm feeling very ready for you.

Thursday Thirteen #72

Thirteen Things about Allie @ Christmas1. I'm rather smug about the fact that I'm completely done preparing for Christmas, gifts are wrapped and food is purchased. 2. My favorite Christmas ornament used to be my Grinch ornament but this year I got an Our First Christmas Ornament that knocked it out of first place. 3. The only time I've ever tried to snow board I broke my tailbone so instead I love to go to the snow and have a snowball fight while everyone else is speeding down the slopes. 4. My favorite Christmas song is "Baby It's Cold Outside" but my favorite Christmas Carol is "O Holy Night" 5. I used to make my own hot chocolate and marshmallows for Christmas gifts to other people, the year I switched to store bought gifts no one noticed...5 years later people started asking about it. 6. I have a really hard time making my Christmas list now that I am Christian because I feel very guilty about telling people how to show their love for me. This means that usually I like the presents that I get that aren't on my list MUCH more than the one's I've asked for. 7. I bought Christmas stockings this year for Children I do not have yet so that they will match the set that I got for myself and the Hubby 8. I usually buy my Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving. This year it was too close to the heating vent and we had to replace it last week. 9. I want a puppy from Santa Claus but I can't have one because I live in a rental. 10. My least favorite part of Christmas dinner prep is peeling things. Usually I try to get someone else to do that part. 11. My favorite thing at Christmas dinner is the Cranberry Relish that my Aunt Penny taught me to make when I was 11. 12. One year I got more presents from my extended family than my parents could fit in the car. I decided that year that when I grew up I'd limit my kids to 3 presents from me. I was 12. 13. This is my first Thursday Thirteen. I'm super excited about it. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Day Two of Joy

So I decided to Google for Images of Joy this morning. Don't do it. It's a complete waste. In fact, I can say it was a Joy killer. Except this picture from Frederick Olsen.

As a child I feared the water. I remember at some point being thrown into my Uncle K's pool and freaking out because I thought there were sharks. After that water was horrible. I liked the bath tub but other than that I was content to playing in the sprinkler all summer. One year my mom decided to help me kick the fear addiction. Swimming lessons terrified me and thrilled me all at the same time. Weeks later I would make my way all the way around my mom's friends pool with my hands on the edge and swim under water holding my breath. It was a complete moment of freedom.

Now 20 or more years later I can recall many many summers in my small home town swimming at the local community pool blocks from my house which my mother let me walk to before it opened and at which I stayed every day with my friends until it was closed. Every. Single.Day. I was surrounded by laughter, confidence and the smell of banana boat. My hot pink bathing suit and my 3 month in the sun tan both faded before Sept. every year. But I remember even now when I jump into a pool that first moment when fear turned into absolute excitement. I remember the joy of knowing it would be ok.