Disneyland & The Fish Wedding

First let me apologize for the quality of these pictures. I forgot the camera. I got ready by myself at one end of the Disneyland area and walked to the whole other end before I remembered. So these are iPhone pictures (no flash). Some of the pictures were Jon's and some mine.

Jon was a groomsmen so I met up with him just before the wedding to say "hi, you look nice, hold your wives ID she doesn't have pockets in this dress" and then I didn't see him really again until after the wedding. Jon also sat with the wedding party at the reception so I spent my night in the company of Devon and the Santos family who made me feel right at home.

The wedding was lovely. It was in the Garden by the Disneyland hotel and it was decorated awesomely. The reception was INSIDE Disneyland. So we were escorted back to the park after it closed, taken to the reception on a private train ride and then we got to see the Haunted Mansion in it's nighttime Nightmare Before Christmas Splendor while we had the drinks reception by the New Orleans Fountain and then a private dinner and dancing. It was all lovely. iPhone's don't do the lovely wedding couple, wedding party or decor justice. I'll steal better pictures from others later.

Also, on your way out you got to be privately escorted out of lite Main Street passed the castle while the park was vacant and it's BEAUTIFUL... just like the Fish Family. We heart Chris and Brandy and love that we got to share this experience with them and support them on this new part of their relationship.

Disneyland Night 3- Downtown Disney Dinner at Rainforest Cafe

On the third night Jon and the rest of the wedding party had to go to the rehearsal which was at the Disneyland Hotel on the far end of Downtown Disney from our hotel so we decided that would be the perfect night for dinner in Downtown Disney. We picked the Rainforest Cafe since we had never been there and we had to practically run with the two kids for Grammi and I to get there on time to make that reservation. Grammi, George's Parents and Devon joined the girls and I to claim our table and we waited for Jared, George and Jon to show up before we ate dinner. It seemed like a super long wait and the kids weren't nearly as entertained by the giant fish tanks and sudden rain showers as I had hoped but they were still pretty well behaved. When the boys arrived we ordered food and everything tasted great. Then we talked back through Downtown Disney on our way back to the hotel. I love the atmosphere of Downtown Disney after dark and the kids enjoyed stopping by the World of Disney store for a special suprise and dancing to the music along the way. Layla pretended to play the violin with her glow stick wands and Anyah waved Hi to every person we passed until the fact that it was WAY passed her bedtime kicked in and then we scurried back to our hotel to put her to bed. (can you blame us? check out that stink eye photo!!)

Disneyland Day 1- Hanging with Friends

The first day at the park was the only day we truly got to hang out with our friends. We arrived at the park, checked in at the hotel *cue drama*, checked in for our Annual passes (which is a little labor intensive with 3 steps), rode a ride and then found everyone else (well technically we had already found Chris and Brandy). Then we went into the park. This pictures loaded backwards... First we took the girls on the Teacups, then there was Mr. Toads Wild Ride with everyone else and It's a Small World with everyone else. Both girls loved the tea cups, Layla asked to do Mr Toad a second time and the next day Anyah made me ride "singing baby world 2 more times" after that thankfully she burnt out because she doesn't know all the words to the song and Mommy was going crazy listening to her. Anyah on It's a Small World.
This is Chris Fish, he got married at Disneyland and that's why we were there. The girls took to Chris very quickly. Also in the picture is Godfather George and his brother Jared who were Groomsmen with Daddy in the wedding. Layla had her own Entourage that first day which was awesome.

Anyah was a little freaked out by the crowd. Normally she only gets bottles and pacifiers during nap time but we made an exception on this trip so she could feel comforted. You'll be seeing a lot of "ba ba" pictures I'm sure.

See that? That's the look your kids have for about 10 minutes during and after each Disneyland ride, then you get in another line and it goes away until the next ride starts.

This is as close as we get to a token under the Disney flowers picture, we took it while Daddy was getting his Annual Pass Photo... I don't get the whole flower picture obsession... but we tried for your sake.

Disneyland Fireworks (Night 1)

At the last minute we added a day to our trip, leaving Turlock a day early so that the girls would arrive at Disneyland on a Sunday because the firework show is only available on the weekends. While Daddy went off with his friends to check out Electronica (the Tron themed Club in Disney California Adventure) we staked out a spot for an hour and half to have good seats for the fireworks. I brought glow sticks and light up Mickey Pumpkin heads from home and the girls were pretty entertained by those while we waited (at first) but by the time everyone else arrived Godfather George had to save the day with a Mickey Mouse glowing (and color changing balloon) and some Mickey Mouse Ice Cream.

Both girls wore just as much Ice Cream as they ate which made it even cuter.

Anyah ate hers faster than Layla and Daddy could share the other one. My little foodie, I'm so proud.

When the fireworks started we stood up and watched from our awesome spot. I held Anyah.

Godfather George held Layla for a bit and then she scored the ultimate spot on the back of Daddy's shoulders.

After the fireworks we went straight back to the hotel and the girls crashed out. Daddy went back to the park for a little bit I think, I don't remember... I was sleepy, I slept. Ha ha.

Giving Thanks

For a family which I love.

For a God who loves me.

For a bounty of food at my table.

For a home which keeps me safe.

For technology which allows me to be close to those far away.

For Pepsi with ice and other favorites that really are "little things".

For people who protect us, serve us, believe in us, and motivate us.

For friends who we wish we saw more but love just the same.

For laughter, when things (much like this picture) just don't turn out the way you expected.

For sisters who love each other even if they refuse to sit together.

For playing pretend, making messes, dancing on the furniture and snuggling for naps.

For husbands that love well, look hot, and take out the trash without being asked.

For movies, music, art, science, and books which inspire us to just imagine what it would be like outside the box.

For butter because it really is better with butter.

For chocolate when you need it and cupcakes when chocolate just isn't enough.

For curly topped babies with fuzzy pajamas who rub your face until they fall asleep.

For confident little girls who never shy away from having a life lived in BIG moments.

For pictures that speak a thousand words...or just one.

For loved ones we miss but will see again some day in heaven.

For the chance to change.
For the traditions that are always the same.

For dreaming big, living with adventure, and for being content with what you've got if those other two things aren't working out.

For forgiveness.

For hope.

For tomorrow is another day and this too shall pass.

For standing up for what you believe in.
For standing up for someone else because you believe in them even if they don't believe in themselves.

For a world that is only as big as are hearts let us see and as small as our ambitions let us experience it.

For children of a global culture.

For one more day, hour, minute, second, glimpse of what the future holds.

For that ability to find more things to be thankful for than I could possibly ever get around to listing.

For you. Yes especially for you.

For days when we give thanks even if it's not thanksgiving and days of thanksgiving to remind us if we ever forget...

For we are thankful...

so very very thankful.

Fulfilled

Today started and ended well. The middle...well it was middle.

But oh the start, Bee-aaa-uutiful... a giggling toddler waking rested and wanting to climb all over me with kisses and pretend puppy dog play. Cuddling in bed under cool comforters and hearing stories spoken in broken toddler words about dreams that only she understands. Dancing in her Pjs. Pancakes with extra butter and syrup that I didn't have to make.

Then the end, a suprise visit from a girlfriend where my daughter played well with the baby and didn't get too jealous of Mommy and Daddy giving the baby attention when it was there to visit. A toddler then crushed when the friend and baby had to go. Good signs?

Followed by dinner with friends. BBQ that was yummy. A child that while she ran up and down the hallways (SO MUCH ROOM) was actually pretty well behaved, not very itchy and overall a good kid. Talking in the kitchen. Visiting on the couch. Feeling the baby kick all stirred up by red meat for dinner and ice cream for dessert.

DVD TV shows with the hubby in clean pajamas before bed. Time alone in a quiet and cool house to blog.

A very full heart.

My Baby Shower for Anyah

This is Sarah, she threw me a shower at one of my favorite places to eat with some great family and friends (oh and Miss Mia, Jen's daughter...she's even cute w/ stink eye)

We call Anyah "bean" so my mom made favors with jelly beans in them.

The girls/ladies brought my lovely gifts for Anyah and a wide assortment of wipes and diapers.

Miss Jen got me a lovely ducky cake.

It was a wonderful meal with a small group of wonderful people and wonderful gifts. More pictures are available on Bug & Bean. Thanks!

Wheeee

So I had planned an auto-post for Thursday and it posted itself on Wednesday but it didn't really matter because I was tired so I decided not to post something on Thursday. It's not like I HAVE to post every single day...I just like to.

Thursday was an exceptionally long day. I was an emotional mess (it's a pregnant lady thing), we had a couple unexpected obstacles in our day. I came home with swollen feet and someone else's take and bake pizza (it's a long unpleasant story). Needless to say I went to bed pretty early to see if I could lay my grump to rest.

Friday was an equally long work day but when I got home Layla was still at Nannie's and Jon had made me a nice warm bath in a room with candles (yummy). After my bath I laid on the bed a bit and looked pathetic. Then Layla came home and right as I was deciding what to make for dinner we got a call from a friend and we actually went out. Gasp! I know.

Nannie was nice enough to come back and take Layla with her back to her house again. We picked Layla up just after 8 and all the time in the middle was spent laughing, eating and generally enjoying being around other adults. It was AMAZING!

Being as Layla went to bed late (when we got home) she was nice enough to sleep in until 8 today. We're only an hour into our pajama day and that suits me fine. I didn't even mind it much when she stole my cereal bowl this morning.

New Year New Prospective

I'd love to say that with 2010 rushed in a bunch of relief and financial freedom but no one expected that to happen because that's not how real life works. What did happen in the last week is a lot of re-evaluation. I have some very skewed perspectives about things and my expectations are very high for other people. They are the same expectations I give myself, which are also too high (or so I am told).

I spend a lot of time being boiled over with anxiety because I never feel like I'm doing enough, being enough, finishing enough. The truth is, I have been informed, my idea of enough must be higher than other peoples. This would also explain why when things happen that put others in crisis mode they always think I am going above and beyond when I think I am barely helping.

Enough with enough. that's my new prospect for 2010.

Although, I don't think I'm doing enough of it. ha ha ha!

No seriously, my anxiety level is a still a 9.5 on a scale of 10 but last week it was an 11...so I'm getting better and I'm still working on it.

How about you, is there a personality trait you would love to work on this year?

Stars Hollow

Jon bought me season 1 of the Gilmore Girls on DVD for Christmas. I've been averaging an episode or two a day. It's been wonderful to have something new to watch, and something adult to watch that I can see in front of my daughter without worrying about her picking up dirty habits. She already knows how to "make kisses" thanks to the teenagers at the Stanislaus County Fair so that Rory Gilmore is old news. Making out with her toys was only amusing when she was 1 now that she's 2 she prefers to pick up choice phrases and use them at the most embarrassing time possible.

Stars Hollow is some place I would love to live. Everyone knows everyone, there is a huge sense of community involvement and everyone has a best friend...if not a few best friends. As someone who formally had a huge circle of friends and now has like 2 or 3 people I talk to on a regular basis, the appeal of a magical TV community that gathers around when times are tough seems well...magical.

So while my daughter wishes she was a fairy in Pixie Hollow and spends her spare time practicing her Tinkerbelle angry face I can relate, because even at 30 I have a Hollow of my own I'd like to visit.

Brilliantly Normal

Sometimes life is amazing and people do extraordinary things and time itself stops and stares at them in awe. But most of the time, well, most of the time you're just going through the day to day BS in an attempt to get to a day that's brilliantly normal. Only once arriving there I usually find myself looking back and going "ok that was normal all along, what was I so worried about."

I'm hoping that this month will some day be one of those moments I can look back on and say..."yea that was ok".

Spiritually, I'm incredibly raw right now. I fill each day with worry about the baby, work, money, sick toddlers, lung infections, families that don't work and other people's broken dreams. I am prone to cry...and I grasp for moments of calm sleep because it feels like that is the only time I am not running into the wind.

This was one of those months that has the power to be overwhelming if you think about it too much. The missing work bonus scared us. Bills were bigger than income. I went to the hospital. Layla was sick. Jon was sick. Work sucks. I kept praying for someone to stop by and be "with us".

I learned a lot this month. I have a good circle. They aren't the circle I thought they would be, but they keep calling, and stopping by, and when it really counts they know how to pray. It's brilliantly normal.

Belated Birthday Post (Yet Again)

Oh gosh I'm horrible. I keep letting the birthday's blur right past without the celebatory birthday post. This is Jen. She is awesome. She just had a birthday.

Top 10 reasons we love Jen:

10. She is fun to be around because she is not affraid to try new things, laugh, or otherwise experience life.

9. She was a good room mate and she didn't eat all the food and spill beer on the carpet (or complain when our friends did).

8. She is a WONDERFUL mommy. (That's her daughter Mia in the picture there)

7. She makes a good double date for the Ben & Jerry's nights.

6. She texts faster than I do.

5. She quotes random things and random times so that things stay interesting.

4. She calls to check up (or texts) even when you're feeling disattached and confused.

3. She tries not to let drama pull her down to it's level and when it does she gets back up and dusts herself off like a champion.

2. She keeps trying and doing the right thing even when it's hard.

1. Because you can't not love Jen...it's not an option.

Love ya Miss Jenny Megan... Happy Belated Birthday!

It's only 8 days late...

So George's birthday was the 5th and I sat down to write a post and Layla interrupted me and I never went back and then I'd remember every day during the worst possible time, like at work, and I'd forget again by the time I got home and I went to his party and I came home and I still didn't post and the next thing I knew it had been EIGHT days.

I suck.

Unlike George who rocks.

He's an awesome God-father who Laylabug loves to call Georgie and make do silly things. He's a good friend and a great council for your spiritual crisis. He also plays a mean air guitar.

Happy Belated Birthday George!

A week...in glimpses

This week has completely gotten away from me and while I had hoped to post a couple really good and meaningful posts it turns out that I have just never gotten that far along. I still have AWESOME pictures of Layla to post on her site, maybe Friday? Here is a look at some of the things keeping me busy and some other important news.
This is my God son Pheonix, he turned 3 today (the picture is old but I didn't have time to hunt down one from his last trip here so that will have to wait until another day this week when I have time to write him a real happy birthday post).

This is me Monday being held hostage...err...I mean bonding with my daughter. Jon's car has been acting up so he was taking turns being inside, and outside, and then upstairs on the computer so we entertained ourselves with a movie...turns out I am more comfortable than laying on the floor.

Then we went yesterday after dinner but before bedtime we went to Pop's house to visit my mom and so Layla could get a present from Nana Lorrie. We also played in the sprinklers and the mud for awhile before I sprayed her off and took her home (pictures coming later on her site).

Then today Miss Mia was finally born to her Mama (Jen) and I had to go visit them after she was born. I mean had to...there might have been a gun to my head or something <are they falling for it?> Anyhow I went to see her and she is ADORABLE, probably one of the top 3 prettiest babies I've ever seen.

By the way, this picture is a mere 3 hours after Jen gave birth...look how attractive and wonderful she looks. I know. I hate her too. But I love her more...so I forgive her.

Then I came home and I looked at all the posts I have in queue to write and the photos I need to upload to Layla's site and the other things on the list that just aren't getting done...and I decided they can all wait for me to get to them...

Dear Miss Mia...

I usually resolve myself to only writing letters to my child on my blog but the thing is... I'm very attached to you already. This is a picture of me and your Mommy at your baby shower today. I was honored to help throw the party that celebrates your arrival, because I can't wait to meet you.

Your mommy is all washed over with anxiety right now, that's normal for someone who's about to have a baby. She's worried that she'll struggle with being a new mommy and that you'll suffer because of it. But, I know that if she's already worried about it, then it will all be just fine.

See...the truth is... being a Mommy is hard work but it's also just a part of who someone is. And your mommy, she's already worried about raising you up right...which is the most fundamentally important thing about being a Mommy. You just have to love someone enough to care to do the right thing for them, and that she already does triple fold and then some.

She's going to be a great Mommy. She's so much fun and so full of life. She's funny and she's willing to make those stupid faces to make other people's kids laugh so you're in for a real treat. She's also very honest which as far as parents go can be pretty rare so you remember that later when she's being honest with you. Some parents don't treat their kids like people and she already thinks of you as a tiny little person and you're not even here yet.

Today I told your Mommy that I never write in cards at baby showers because they make people cry and people are already there taking pictures. But if I had written in her card I would have told her a few of the things I've learned since I've become a Mommy.

I would tell her...

It doesn't matter what you do wrong, as long as you remember that no mistake is too big that you can't make it right. It doesn't matter how many people in the village are helping to raise your child, only your opinion matters so follow your gut. Ask for help if you need it and turn help away if it isn't helping you. Teach your daughter to be as independent, brilliant and full of zest for life. And remember above all things... love is always more important than anything else we give to our children.

Oh... and if all else fails... go for a drive in the car.

Lastly, Little Miss Mia, I'd like you to know that I love you and your Mommy very very much but that neither she nor I are patient so you better hurry up and make your grand entrance soon...

Because if I teach you only one thing in life... I think your Mommy would appreciate it if it was... "if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy".

Our 4th of July

Jon had to work yesterday for the middle part of the day so in the morning I got up with Layla and we had breakfast and played on the floor. Before her bath she went pee pee in the potty for the first time ever. Then she went down for a nap and Jon went to work and when she got up we went and bought a few fireworks, a watermelon and some McDonald's for Layla for lunch.

While Layla ate lunch I started cooking. Eventually Jen came by to visit and drop off some stuff and then Nana came over to hang out/babysit. Layla tried a fudge pop which she hated and had a cookie. Then Nana took her outside to play in the sprinkler while I hung out with Jen.

When Jon came home I made dinner and Jen left. Then we sat down to tri-tip, brocolli salad, macaroni salad with tuna, sourdough bread with warm garlic butter, and watermelon.

After dinner, Nana played with Layla and I recovered. We thought some friends were going to hang out so we sort of waited for them to call so we could go hang out but they didn't. So after awhile the baby went to bed and we waited for it to be dark enough for fireworks.

Then I woke Layla up and we went outside to light our fireworks (Layla was not impressed) and as I put her back to bed those friends finally called. Nana had just left so Jon went without me (plus it was almost 10 and the baby gets up early).

I went to our room to upload pictures to blog and about 45 minutes later Layla came in scared from all the fireworks booming in our neighborhood. So I decided to wait until today to blog and crawled into our bed with her and snuggled her to sleep. At 2 am she rolled off the bed (first time ever). Traumatic crying ended when she stole my pillow and snuggled back in.

When Jon came home ( I think it was around 3) he moved her back to her bed where she slept until this morning around 7. Then she played in our room/bed until I could drag myself downstairs to make pancakes.

Right about the time I got all the way awake, she put herself down for a nap. And that is why I am blogging now.

It was a lovely 4th... good times, good times.

I Feel More Free

There was a moment when I was writing my last blog where in full anxiety attack horror I clicked "save to draft" and thought, I can never post that. Ironically, I clicked away and started reading blogs that I like to read. Reading anonymous secrets and blogs about how freeing writing the truth can be written by normal every day mom's with regular lives they are swirled up in made me come back. I read about feeling more free.

I needed to be free.

So I went back...and I re-read and edited and kept going and then I hit publish and in a moment of almost sheer panic I thought about deleting it. So I walked away...just five minutes to breath, I thought.

And I didn't go back. Within the five minutes I felt so much better.

My blog has always been about me writing what I feel. The romance of early marriage, the fears of difficult pregnancy, the worries of not having a job, the truth about dealing with in-laws and ex-laws, my family & friends, my God & my sin, my love, and even...gasp...my anger.

I needed to get it out. And, now that it is out it may get ugly, but at least the ugly isn't trapped inside of me.

And for that... I am thankful

Fit

This picture has nothing to do with the post below I just really liked it.

I thought that I had every right to be offended. I lost a baby, and then my BFF lost her sense of BFF code and dropped off the face of the earth because of her life drama. She had cats to rescue, she was sick, there was a death of someone she knew (but didn't talk to every day) and there was a family full of things to deal with. For a while I tried to hold the torch, I explained things that might have been misunderstood, I tried to call and talk it out, I even sent a few follow up texts checking in on her even thought it hurt desperately that she didn't think once to check in on me.

She took a few things wrong, she didn't take a few hints at all and then about two days ago she flipped out about something that had nothing to do with judging her and despite me pointing it out has not replied or apologized for being shitty since. I've gotten the "I quit", "I'm over it" and "I'm tired of being judged" texts but they were all before I judged her...so then I laid in bed at night and a comment someone else made earlier in the day is haunting me...

When I finally get angry, I can't turn back. It has been two weeks and suddenly I am livid, I am vividly aware, and I am the one that's over it, quitting and tired of being judged. So now the angry she thought I was... I actually am. In fact I am sure I am more angry then she could possibly be and I think I've got good cause to be.

I carried my own burden, I grieved alone, I checked in when I wanted to check out because she wasn't there to be checking in on me, I tried & in many ways I failed. I may not have been perfect but I was honest about what I did and did not feel. I was honest about what I did and did not blog. And I didn't find crap reasons to get off the phone before the conversation was finished, or stop writing back when the topics got hard. But, I think I might be done now.

I keep remembering the last person I loved enough to call my BFF and how he HAD cancer, and he HAD no use of his legs, he HAD a toddler that he was leaving behind and a death sentence medical condition. He went through rough stuff and so did I, but we always kept calling, we kept talking, we kept caring. I didn't use the death of both grandma's, an aunt and a friend to let me slip away. And he didn't let being sick, or tired, or confused get in the way.

And while I didn't compare this BFF to the last one at all for a long time, now that I have, I don't see how it could ever be the same. I mean I know what it's supposed to feel like. It's not supposed to feel like crazy is sending you text messages. It's not supposed to feel like obligation trying to make it not hurt. It shouldn't be one sided and it is. I shouldn't wonder if someone is suddenly on drugs or in desperate need of drugs.

The part the hurts the most is she made me a God-parent and I know that after this post there is a good chance that the crazy will stir up around me creating a fire so big I may never see him again. And I do love the kid to death. But, I don't think it would be healthy for him or my kid to continue to deal with his mom the way we have been lately...or haven't been as the case may be. Drama does not make Mama happy, and when Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

I've decided it was all talk. It was long calls and promises made but not kept that dug so deep into me that I would need a real and honest apology to be ok with it. From best I can tell she doesn't have one of those in her and probably thinks she deserves one as well. And for somethings I do apologize, I apologize for the 1, well now 2, blogs I actually wrote about you. I apologize for not being about to pull myself back together enough to be the one that got over it and put it back together. And I'm sorry that now that I've started to think about it, I've compared you to every friend I've ever had.

I apologize the real way, with no excuses. There is no but's in my version. There is no good reason why I let the anger take me. It is mine, and I own it. I own every non-Christian horrible part of about it. I own it in my prayers for forgiveness and the tears I have shed. No but's... it's real.

I remember the end of high school when our friendship broke for the first time. I vividly remember it and I never talk about it even when she asked. She would cry and say she was sorry but she was doing somethings and going through things at the time and I would tell myself that it was ok, she had a reason. Now that it's happened a second time, I decided that maybe that's just who she is.

And I am who I am...

so maybe that just doesn't fit.

1 Step

I'm carrying some people's hope right now. They didn't ask me to, I volunteered. Someone once offered to carry my hope for me when it seemed like too big of a burden and I was sure I couldn't do it on my own.

And now... that moment of no hope dances around my livingroom at night, living proof that God does not foresake us and that even though the tests may be hard and road my be long, we will be ok.

There will be moments with little faith, there will be moments with anger or hate, there will be moments where you wish this was your last moment on earth...but sometimes there will be other moments. Moments when the truth sets you free. Moments when love makes you feel whole. Moments when the light shines so bright you can see a future filled with all the things you have ever hoped for. Moments when something better than you've ever imagined looks back at you through the broken and shattered pieces of what is.

I know a lot about moments.

And, in this moment, I know that there is no such thing as lost hope.

A Night of 30 Something

Some of my favorite people are almost 30, turning 30 or just recently turned 30. This weekend was my Cousin Jeromy's suprise 30th birthday dinner at Cool Hand Luke's (that's him in the green).

Layla was an angel sitting at the dinner table for almost 3 hours playing, eating and being a good girl with only 1 random freak out before we actually got seated at the table. George bought her a Tinkerbelle doll which she played with through most of the after meal fun.

Then people got together to hang out. Which, ended by 11:30 because we are all old and we were tired. And that good people is the first sign you're getting closer to 30 somethings than 20 somethings.