I Wear You

Because my hands are full but not as full as my heart. I wear her. Because she feels me breath and she knows she is safe. I wear her. Because the day is long and tasks are many. I wear her. Because my eyes glance over her head at my older child running as fast as she can and I know that the confidence to be an individual who takes risks is born from knowing that someone is always willing to hold you if you fall. I wear her.

I wear her because I wore her sister. I wear her because for centuries we have carried them... on our sides, on our shoulders, in our arms, on our backs and in our hearts. I wear her because there is no path I could walk that hasn't been walked before me and the women who choose this path have also created beautiful little souls.

I wear her because I am a citizen of the world and I want my child to go out into it and experience it...safely.

I wear her because there is no safer place than Mommy. And, as I grow as a mother... my confidence in standing up next to those I am proud to call my own has grown.

So I wear her...

And I am not alone.

**If you are a babywearer, or you've ever been a babywearer, or you want to be a babywearer some day I highly recommend Adventures in Babywearing's Call to Action for Babywearing awareness**

The Final Payment

Today, I am blessed with the ability to make my final car payment. Yahoo!! When the title comes in the mail it will finally feel real but at least it's one less thing to worry about. Now we just have to catch up on some bills and I'll feel much better.

This last two years has been financially difficult but Jon and I both earned gold stars in marital relations because we've handled most of it like troupers. In fact, I just had a talk with a girlfriend about how different my marriage is than some...we have had about 2 whole real arguements ever and although sometimes someone loses their cool we seldom do it on the same day or at the same tmie so we have a pretty adult interaction record so far. Hooray for us! This will be one less stresser gone and some temporary relief while I am still out on maternity/SDI. Eventually, it will become day care funding.

It took longer than I thought for Jon and I to figure out a slightly stable standing point. We got rid of cable over a year ago. We cut back our cell phone plans because we mostly text anyhow. We don't spend a lot of money eating out or going out to do things. We've lost time with friends over the fact that we are now boring married people with a kid who never go do anything. But, when we go do something I think we actually enjoy it more because it gets to feel special because it's not something we did last Friday and the Friday before that.

We've taken risks. We've made bad decisions. And more than once we've made a step forward only to take 3 steps back. So I won't be suprised if something changes and this "phew me made it post" just makes another white line in the sand with another race to finish for us to get started on... but at least I get to enjoy the thought of it for today...right?

The Hospital Bag & Other Lessons Learned

The first time you get pregnant you think you need everything. You want to read everything. You want to KNOW everything. I have since renamed "What to expect when you're expecting" to the "what to look for if you want to panic" book because let me tell you... it's nerve wracking enough to carry a life inside you without wondering if your feet are swelling or if you have pre-eclampsia or if maybe you're toes are about to fall off from some sort of blood clot because page 149 of a mystery book said that could happen in rare cases.

I didn't fall for everything. We never had a wipes warmer for instance and somethings we bought as we went so I didn't have stacks of toddler stuff all over my house fully assembled befoer I even had a baby at home. I had learned some stuff from watching a few of my girlfriends. But I did fall for a lot of stupid things and because Layla was early there was some stuff I didn't get to do or didn't expect that haunted me for awhile after she came.

For instance, her room was ready and I had made a hospital bag to put in the car. It just wasn't in the car and it was USELESS (seriously who makes those lists of what to bring online). Jon got my bag for me and after 2 days in the hospital all I had used was my bathroom stuff and my cell phone charger and I had this HUGE pink bag of stuff I never even looked at. I did not *personally* need candles, and music, and pictures. I never once played cards or read a book/magazine before or after she came. We didn't eat the snacks. Maybe that's just us. If it helps you to have a 30 lb bag to take to and from the hospital more power to you.

This time I packed and planned a lot differently. I have a hospital bag. It has an outfit to wear home and some PJs just in case I want to dress up instead of letting my recovery ruin the nice free hospital gowns (I doubt it). This time I did remember to pack socks and a pair of ugly underwear (or 4) because last time I had to have someone bring me socks and I ruined good undergarments on the ride home. I packed my camera with an extra battery and memory card and the charger for the camera battery and my phone. I packed a toiletries bag. I packed exactly 1 book and mostly it's there this time because EMC has an H1N1 policy that will keep me from having any visitors other than my husband post delivery which means I'll spend some time alone while Jon is taking care of Layla at home. So it's a back up plan.

Last time, I had a lot of expectations. Too many years being a nice girl raised by old fashioned women I expected a TLC baby story reception for my bundle of joy. Up until my delivery, whenever someone had a baby I went to see them in the hospital. I took a small gift. I also went to see them when they got home, and I took them a casserole or a pot of something. That's what people do. I saw it on TV. My grandmother did it. My Aunt did it. No one did that with Layla. We got exactly NO homecooked meal bearing visitors. (I have since stopped taking people food because OBVIOUSLY this is so 1950's it was stupid and everyone must have thought I was crazy). But we also really didn't get many visitors at home (bonding time I guess). This time with people not being able to see us at the hospital I know people will come to the house first chance they get so I have the hubby cleaning the carpets soon and I have prepped the fridge/pantry with things *I* can cook easily while recovering from a C-section and while having house guests.

The main thing that's different this time is the Layla factor. I know I have a toddler who isn't going to see me for 3 days when Anyah comes and when I come home she's going to be all about attention and climbing on me post surgery. She'll also be rebeling from a lot of time with Nannie (which has less rules) and adjusting to a new person here. I have no way to prepare for that other than prayer. I guess next time I'll have those lessons learned to.

So yesterday someone asked me what my advice for a 1st time mom would be... here it is...

1. worry about you and baby...every one else will cope
2. don't plan for help but accept it if it comes over
3. you don't need to buy the entire baby section of Target, play smart not hard.
4. hand mittens suck as do most baby towels and you will hardly ever use them
5. not every baby is the same (some swaddle, some hate it/some co-sleep, some use a crib better/ some breast feed, some can't or won't) so do what feels right because in the end you're the one you have to spend the rest of your life with
6. ignore advice, even this advice, if you want to

Bedtime Stories

The new tradition at our house at bedtime is "story time". I remember my mom and dad wrapping me up in a warm bed or sitting with me in front of a fire place in the winter and reading me books before bed. It was definitely a tradition I knew I'd share with Layla. It took her until just recently to have the patience to sit through an entire story. Now we have the opposite problem and she wants you to keep reading forever.

So now at night she picks a book and I grab Goodnight Moon and then we read the book she picked and Goodnight Moon and we do kisses and get into our "night night spot" tucked between our pillows and I turn out the light and tell her I love her and I leave her there with the book she picked to turn pages and imagine until she falls asleep.

And I savor each moment, because I know someday soon she'll want to read to me. And then will come the day that she just wants to read by herself. And then the day I don't have to tuck her in at all because she's in her room reading, or talking on the phone, or being a teenager in secret. But, I'll always remember these stories...and so will she.

Once Upon a Time

I used to do Renaissance Faires. By "do", I mean that I was active in one every single weekend of the year almost. It was my full time job, my entire source of entertainment, and where most of my friends could be found most of the time.

The thing about a Faire life is that while you're in it, it is all consuming. Suddenly life becomes about new bodices, better mead, more authentic accents and knowing the right people. And you're totally won over by it because it's good fun, and good people.

And then if you're like me, you take a little break.

I didn't mean to take a 5 year break. I just didn't know how to go back once I quit. Who I was before, well I couldn't be that anymore...for many reasons. And, who I was at the time, well that wasn't very into the concept of working at becoming someone else.

But, sometimes I remember it fondly and I wish I could go back and spend a weekend or two camping out in the woods, being an ENORMOUS dork and dressing funny.

Because, I really do miss some of the people, some of the atmosphere, and some of the mead.

The Right Tool 4 the Job

So one of my many pet peeves in life are people who don't use the right tool for a job. You know the people who use a butter knife as a screw driver or a business card for a tooth pick. It applies to everything really, people who don't know the difference between a comment online and something you should write an email to... people who fill out legal documents in pencil... that person who had to be told via the warning sticker that you can use a toaster to heat up " non-food items". Yes... you... it's not a sock warmer.

I spend a lot of my time reminding myself that some people just don't think about what they are doing. Some people have some sort of flighty air head nature about them that tells them there is no such thing as a stupid question and that it's ok to ask your not stupid question in a public place. I don't care what your teacher said... there is such a thing as a stupid question.

Dane Cook has a comedy routine that says in every group there is an @-hole. If you think your group doesn't have an @-hole it's probably you. Well stupid questions work in much the same way... if you aren't frustrated by stupid questions often... I fear you are probably the one asking them.

So how do you tell someone that they are skating around on your last nerve using your biggest pet peeve like a pitchfork? How do you nicely say...'um did you think about that first'? How do you tell someone why people think they are the @-hole sometimes?

I don't know. I do know that sometimes I ask stupid questions and sometimes I'm the @-hole in the group. Usually both can be blamed on lack of sleep, hormones and an illegit-assumption that I have a right to judge something someone else is doing.

Because really judging that something is prideful and awful, feeling entitled to be "right" isn't any of my business. There is only one person entitled to always be right and he comes with a choir of angels, eternal salvation and a wicked sense of humor (oh come on I've seen a platapus and I've eaten a star fruit).

So what makes your question stupid? What makes you the @-hole? What makes it the wrong tool for the job? Intention probably... because no matter what you intended to do if you aren't using the right tools the right way...well you're just another pet peeve waiting to happen.

You Say Lughnasadh I Say Lammas

August 1st marks the first day of pagan harvest. Today is one of the four major pagan holidays, this particular holiday is called Lughnasadh. For the Celts this holiday marked the day that harvest was brought in, the first day of fruits and vegetables and the start of the out-door market and festival season.

Lughnasadh was a celebration of the hard work of summer, a time of handfastings and gatherings of family and friends. Lughnasadh was a reminder that life was still turning in full circle and an acknowledgement of what nature had provided to help everyone survive the next winter.

When the Gaelic people started converting to Christianity (in various forms) most of Northern Europe changed the holiday to Lammas or loaf mass which was the day you brought your first loaf of bread from your autumn harvest with you to church and presented it to your landlord as proof that you were properly tending to the crops provided to you. The landlord would then give the loaf to the church as an offering and there would be a huge festival to celebrate bounty of crops and fresh food that was soon to follow.

One of the strangest things about converting to Christianity for me was people's sudden belief that I would have to alter all my holidays. Most pagan holidays and Christian holidays happen around the same times and are celebrated in very very similar ways (also Christianity was a part of my childhood so Christmas and Easter never left my holiday list). There are only two exceptions, Lammas and Samhein.

Last year at Samhein I didn't do much, I stayed home with family. I was unsure of where the line stands between celebrating a holiday and enjoying a tradition. It was like I feared making God angry even though I knew he was a loving and forgiving God who would know I was trying to find my way. So I hid for an entire holiday.

Lammas so far is easier to adjust to. A celebration of the circle of life today I said extra prayers for the people in my family both new and old, for my unborn child and for my upcoming move. I don't have a crop so I won't be making bread but I did stop by the church this morning and make a small offering to the homeless program. My "loaf" so to speak won't feed many at their next Sunday celebration but it is my offering.

The thing I am learning about Christianity is that God is all about your intentions. I intend on celebrating the circle of life that God has planned for me today as I focus on the little things that he has brought to me...my own personal harvest of hope, love and grace.

Joel 2:28-31

"And afterward,

I will pour out my Spirit on all people.

Your sons and daughters will prophesy,

your old men will dream dreams,

your young men will see visions.

Even on my servants, both men and women,

I will pour out my Spirit in those days.

I will show wonders in the heavens

and on the earth,

blood and fire and billows of smoke.

The sun will be turned to darkness

and the moon to blood

before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord."

No, that's not the rant of Voldemort before the end of the new Harry Potter book. It's not the prophecy of the dark wizards in the Lord of the Rings. It's not the starter for the latest page turner novel or the theatrical trailer to the latest and greatest sci-fi movie. This is the bible, in it's most magical form.

My biggest Christian pet peeve is that people forget the power and grace that God has given to his servants. He gave them spiritual gifts beyond measure and he didn't stop handing them out when he took his seat in heaven. He promised us they would keep coming right till the very second he came back. He didn't just give us the abililty to serve and to love, he gave us so many other spiritual gifts. This month I'm going to talk about some of them (the ones people don't talk about as much). I'll be starting this weekend. I hope you'll stick around and see what gifts you have that you could be using to further God's kingdom. Our first spiritual gift will be prophecy.

Glamazons

I admit it. I watch reality TV stupidity sometimes. I especially like shows where people come on stage and make a fool of themselves claiming to have some talent they obviously don't have. America's Got Talent is one of my favorite shows to heckle from my couch. You see I love to hate you and I'm sorry about it. Not sorry enough to quit watching...just sorry enough to not heckle you in real life...ever...and to wish you the best.

Usually, I don't find anything good about the shows. I mean really, I'm most entertained by the people without talent. It's horrible but it's true.

Until last night.

Last night I was introduced via the worlds worst talent competition to the Glamazons. The Glamazons are the plus size version of the pussy cat dolls. They were cute, confident, talented, coordinated and they had personality. I pink fuzzy heart them already and I've only seen a one minute clip.

Here in the land of the Curvatude...where the curves have attitude... it's good to see someone out there doing it for the fat girls. (And I can say that because I am a fat girl and I plan on staying that way thank you very much)

So go check out the Glamazon page if you have time and give them some Big Beautiful Woman Appreciation.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Last month I decided that I was going to quit being a slacker. Often times I admire a trait in other people and then I don't even attempt to replicate that trait in my own life. I then find myself months later wondering why they are so much more "fill in the blank" than I am.

I'm lazy. The Lord helps those who help themselves. We know that. We apply it to the big things in our lives and then we fail because we started with such a big task. Failure leads to lack of motivation and then we don't try at all.

I decided for once I would start with something little. I picked "thank you". I admire people who sound like they genuinely appreciate others. I started thanking the mail man, people who let me cut in traffic (even if they can't hear me), the waiter and anyone else I thought was appropriate. I thank them sincerely and often. I thanked them when they did just alright and I thanked them more when they excelled.

The truth is that the waiter doesn't have to wait on you quickly, the bag boy doesn't have to take the time to tie your bags closed so they don't spill all over the trunk and the woman at the baby consignment store doesn't have to call and tell you when stuff you'd like comes in. They don't have to but they do... and I don't have to say thank you... but I do.

Little Lesson #2

Little Lesson #2: Stupid people are everywhere. You are probably one of them.

Let me start off by saying that I hate the word stupid. I think stupid is one of the most demeaning and awful things you can actual call someone because I personally believe that every single person has something in their life that they are stupid about. Seriously, some people have no common sense, some people have no sense of humor and some people have no sense of logic. For some of us it's math and for others it's the ability to hold an adult conversation. So calling someone stupid is like telling them their human but in a hateful way.

Having said that... we're all stupid. I know I just explained that but I think we really forget. We don't put our kids in certain schools to avoid stupid people, we complain about the stupid people at work and we hate the stupid people at the store. But sometimes, I guaranty, you are the person that someone doesn't want to see coming or the cause of an explanation no one wants to give.

Everyone has done something blatantly stupid in their life. Probably multiple times a day, if we're honest, we do something lame & stupid and just don't admit to it.

To clear the air on my own stupidity I'm going to tell you a real life true story about me.

A few years ago, I was dating a guy who sometimes did some sales type demonstrations in our home during the winter months to make extra money. This particular winter we were desperate for money so I scrapped the money for a dinner party and we invited some of our best customers over to eat.

Half way through cooking dinner I changed into my nice clothing and called the little old lady across the street to tell her we'd be having company. She was the kind of little old lady that would come over if she saw a lot of cars and I didn't want her to worry. While on the phone with her I noticed my Beef in wine sauce was a little dry so I grabbed a bottle of wine off the counter, opened the lid to the pyrex pan in the stove and poured more wine on top of the roast.

I was probably 3 seconds into my pouring when my own stupidity flashed before my eyes. At that very second that the F word left my mouth a loud bang errupted in the kitchen and small, very hot, balls of blue glass began to project out of my stove. Hot glass flowing with great force knocked things off the counter, bounced off my clothing and rolled along the floor. The roast fell into the bottom of the oven, along with it's side trimmings, and began to smoulder on the bottom of the stove and I dropped the phone which shattered into about 15 pieces.

I had poured cold wine on to hot glass. I then stupidly bent over and tried to pick up a piece of glass with my bare hands, forgetting how hot it would be, and let out another yelp. I ran out of the kitchen to get some shoes and by the time I returned the kitchen was amass with smoke and broken glass.

I had 45 minutes. In 45 minutes my guests would arrive. I turned on every fan and opened every window. I swept up hot glass and tossed it into the sink to cool so I could throw it away. I got the roast into a trash bag and had someone take it to the trash. Then I muttered to myself and I followed them cleaning up the trickle of bloody/wine stains they left along the floor. I stopped at the door and went back to the chaos of my kitchen.

The temperature in the house instantly dropped to artic. The smoke finally started to clear and I started to panic. I whipped up an alternative pasta dish using shrimp from the freezer and random stuff in the pantry. I changed my clothing and the door bell rang.

The guests where there. I had made it. I sighed my relief sigh. Ten minutes into the sales demonstration the door shook with violent knocking. The local police department (guns drawn) pulled me through the door when I opened it and then called out my ex making him get on his knees with his hands in the air.

Meanwhile, a female officer is looking at my burnt hand and the blue glass bruise on my face and telling me it's ok to tell her what happened. My guests where terrified. I was mortified.

The little old lady across the street had heard the explosion on the phone and tried to call back. When the phone was dead she assumed the sound she heard was a gun shot and came over to look for me. Peeking through the window she saw the boys wiping up blood (wine) from the ground and carrying heavy sacks dripping with blood (wine) to the trash. Then the trash can steamed (from the heat of the food) and she got scared so she called 911.

I have never told that story before. It makes me feel stupid. But I am stupid sometimes so I think now is a great time to be honest about it. What's the stupidest thing you've ever been not caught doing?

Stupidity Strike

I had this great post written. It was actually about stupidity which I think is one of those little things people forget about themselves. Of course, as irony would have it I did something stupid today and I ended up without internet access at work for 3 hours because of it. For this reason, there won't be a stupidity post till tomorrow.

How stupid is that?

Little Lessons #1

I was thinking about the things I want my child to know when they grow up. There are several things I hope my child will know. I hope they will love others well. I hope they will be respectful of others opinions. I hope they will love God with all their heart. But those are all big picture things and lately I've been thinking about the little things. I decided I could get a couple great posts out of talking about the little things I hope my child (and possibly a few other people) will learn from knowing me.

I'm calling them the Little Lessons and while the title reminds me of those Little Mr & Little Miss books that where around when I was little I'm hoping I can put an adult spin on things and avoid cartoon happy face pictures and names like Mrs. Naughty. This is my first installment into the little lessons...

Little Lesson #1: Everyone's time has value.

It doesn't matter how much money you make, how busy you are, how many hours you work a week or whether or not you get days off your time has value. It has two types of value; the monetary (how much you could get paid if you were doing something else) and the spiritual (you only get a finite amount of time on this earth and if you aren't using it wisely you might regret it when you run out). The monetary value is the type most people think about, we focus on how many hours we spend at work and how much we've earned our time at home to do what we want. The spiritual, though less noticed, in my opinion is vastly more important.

If you think of your time as spiritual time, or just as surface time on the planet earth, suddenly being able to use all your time doing things you enjoy becomes very important. If you know you're end is approaching and that God is watching you are more likely to seek a job you love, spend time with the people you care about and actively pursue being on the right path. There is something very "in the moment" about spiritual time. Feeling in sync with the time you have, allows you to focus on the little things and to try to incorporate your happiness, fullfillment and enjoyment of the everyday things in life.

Focusing on the little things, as previously mentioned on this site, is what makes us the kind of person we want to be. Lacking focus on the details is something other people notice about you. Somewhere out there is a person who knows you don't help out EVER around the house. Somewhere out there is a person who knows that you can't keep a secret. Somewhere out there is a person who knows you're being judgmental. If you are lucky and you are "in the moment" that someone is probably you. If you're not it might be your room-mate, your boyfriend, your best friend or your mother. But, don't fool yourself people are watching.

People notice what you don't do just as much, if not more than what you do actually get done. Do you know why? Because we're human and human nature makes us want to feel validated, acknowledged and appreciated. When you tell someone you're too busy to help, you tell them that you're time is more valuable then theirs. While they can spend their worthless time doing dishes, mopping and helping fold the towels you will be busy doing something important like sleeping or going on a trip. You didn't stand up and say it. You didn't mean to do it. But you just told someone else that their time has no value. You just turned them a cold shoulder. You didn't do anything and what you didn't do had a massive effect on someone's opinion of you.

Giving another person's time value is really easy. It's the little things that make a person feel that they are loved. Did you help someone even though you didn't HAVE to? No one has to. But, I'm sure they noticed that you put forth the effort. Did you communicate with someone in a way that made them feel respected? While every "nevermind", or last minute flake is noticed so is every single person who never fails to be there when you need to cry and every person who shows up when you're feeling frustrated. You know they'll still come because they are doing the little things, they are being the shoulder to cry on and the person to vent your frustrations to. Just because you know you can talk to someone in a mean way doesn't mean it's ok to be a mean girl.

I have a friend, we'll call him Batman, because that's what we always call him. Batman will drop anything if you really need him. He'll help you move heavy objects, he'll distract you with something fun to do, he'll let you vent in his general direction. Batman has a friend, whom we mutually share, occassionally this friend bats him around a bit emotionally. Ten seconds later the same friend can call and need support and he'll help this very same person hold up the great wall of China. Batman's mom & dad taught him about the little things. He knows that even though this person is sometimes mean to him, that doesn't mean that the person doesn't deserved to be loved well. He also knows that other people can see him doing the right thing and they respect his ability to love well. We admire Batman for the little things.

My husband is also a big time "little thinger". If you call my darling hubby at 3 am and need a ride from Fresno to Turlock, he will drive from Turlock to Fresno to get you and then drive you back home without batting an eye. He will also drop things at a moment's notice to help you recover from the latest twist in your family drama. He's been known to use his only day off to help someone with yardwork or a task at their home that there wasn't a man around to help them do. I'm pretty sure sometimes he does it with that frustrated "don't talk to me" look in his eyes but he knows that people watch the little things and he still shows up to do them.

Me, I'm a work in progress. Sometimes I'm totally willing to do the little things for you. I'm willing to talk to you about the same thing for the 45th time even though I know you're going to complain about it again the next time it happens. I'm also willing to cook for you, entertain you and let you hang out when you are bored. My big motivation is usually that I know God is watching me. He's looking at my lack of patience and my complaining nature and he's saying well... at least she's trying on the little things.