Two

In honor of my quickly approaching birthday (in 2 days) I give you the two most important people I've ever known.

I remember the look on his face the first time he saw her. I remember the calm in his eyes the first time he comforted her while she cried. I remember the day he grew 10 times larger in my eyes.

I also remember the first time I felt her move inside me. I remember the first time I touched her tiny little face. I remember the first time she said my name. I remember the feel of her lying next to me at night growing larger by the second.

My husband & my daughter, are by far the best gifts I've gotten in the last 30 years.

Party of 3

In honor of the THREE days until my 30th birthday... I'll now give you 3 examples of what my life was like when I was little.

I grew up in a house filled with laughter. In fact, I can't remember a whole day EVER that someone didn't laugh about something in. No matter how awful it was there was a joke to be made to find the silver lining.

I grew up in a house that was always filled with love. The love of welcoming over every friend and family member who was ever in the neighborhood. The door was never locked the guests were always welcomed. They came to house filled with love because the loved the laughter and we loved laughing with them.

I grew up in a family of three. It lasted only until just after I started college and sometimes I wondered if it would ever be the same for me. I wondered if it was possible to recreate that open home filled with love and laughter. But, I have learned (now that I'm almost 30) that in that house I got one more thing other than love and laughter. I got the lesson of what it is like to roll with the punches, to adapt with the seasons and to find hope in each other when you need someone for strength.

It was a life lesson, where I grew up. Just the three of us making the best of it. And now it's the lesson I love teaching my daughter with my husband by my side. Together we still laugh, together we still love, and together we learn... somethings never change.

FOUR

In honor of the 4 days until my 30th birthday I give you the four things I hope all little girls (mine included) know before they are 30...

1. Jesus and Mommy will always love you.

2. You are beautiful just the way you are.

3. Confidence & Joy are both something that you find in yourself and show to others NOT something you wait for others to look for in you.

4. You're never too old to learn & therefore you can never know too much.

The 5 Days Countdown

My birthday is this Saturday. I'll be 30. I thought I'd really be depressed about this but as it draws nearer...well... I'm just not. As a sign of how old I am we will be going out for pancakes on Sunday morning to celebrate instead of having a big party here at the house. Jon and I will also be spending the day at the ocean on Friday and on Saturday night I'll be doing a nice dinner with some friends (one of which is pregnant so I know I won't get too out of hand).

So in celebration of the countdown to my birthday... I give you the following 5 things I've love to get for my birthday.

1. Gift cards for work clothing (I like Target and Old Navy)
2. A media card for my phone so I can actually store music and pictures on it.
3. The Twilight Movie on DVD
4. A pedicure, a full set of nice nails and an eyebrow wax.
5. The third season of Ghost Whisperer or Supernatural on DVD

By the Railroad

She comes to me in my sleep. A tattered bun tossed on top of her head spun gray and brown. Her arms glowing with a light glisten of sweat from the early summer heat. It is always evening there, a dusty sort of twilight hour where the ice tea glasses seem to echo with clinking ice cubes in the silence that surrounds us. The porch is small but there is room enough for both of us and I sit there entranced by the familiar scent of flowers and wet dirt as she rambles on. Sometimes she stops talking long enough to get up and rustle something about in the house and when she comes back out she always sits silent for a moment. Sometimes if the silence needs to be filled only by comfort I hear her humming songs I never knew I knew. Baby's boat is a silver moon is whispered into my ear even though she hums along without words sailing in the sky and I know that I do not know this song. I but yet I can feel it as part of me. Sailing o'er the sea of sleep while the clouds float by so I let it lull me contently.

I do not know why I am here. I do know that I am a visitor to this place lately at least once a week. The tea is barely sweet. The song sometimes changes. She talks about nothing and everything and I wake restless with the desire to be barefooted in dirt and surrounded by tufts of herbs and flowers. I want to eat fresh berries baked in soft warm cobbler drizzles with cream and watch the sky change before a summer storm. I wante to know a simple life and a wholeness of love that I can hear behind that soft lullaby. And I think, if I come here enough nights in a row...she might just teach me.

City Meet Country

She ran. She ran around the shop twice, around the house once, through the grass, around the trees, over crunchy gravel, into hay filled barns and eventually even into a dusty old tack shed. I took for granted all that space when I was little, because it was always there. But she lives in the pent up, small little house, in a row of small little houses with small little yards without real grass. She told Pa his yard was the park when she looked out the window. To her, he lives at the park, all he needs is a swing and it would be official. She loves it there... especially the running free part. And I let her, only herding her away from big roads and deadly objects when I think that curiosity won't grab her and steer her in another direction on her own. And I snap pictures of her happy freedom to remind me of how amazed she was by the adventure of it all, and how wonderful she felt about being there...and sometimes I take an extra picture...to remind myself what it was like when I was her age and felt the exact same way here.

Tis a gift to be simple

Some part of me wants to be Welsh but only in the shower. I keep finding myself at 5 am surrounded by steam and shampoo smells humming the same old welsh bible song.

I have decided this might be God's time each morning after I pray to remind me to keep my worries in check. A simple reminder, in a simple song called simple gifts.

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come out right

Happy St Patrick's Day

I actually texted a friend today to tell them how drab St. Patrick's Day really is at this stage in the game. My kids too little for green eggs and ham and I'm too old for green beer and shamrock plastic necklaces that flash in the black light. Instead, there was a dash this morning to find a green shirt that was appropriate for work and a simple dinner at home. Then I went on a quest to find a picture of my kid wearing green and all I could find was this picture of a picture on green paper in front of her face. Yep, totally not as fun as it was when I was 12 or 21. But, hey at least it's an easy way to blow off a post without much work.

So here's hoping that the young ones don't get pinched for not wearing green, that the middle ones don't get a hang over from their green beer and that the old ones don't die of exhaustion trying to keep up with the other two...

and if you don't like that there is always that old irish blessing...

"May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand."

or the Celtic one...

"May God be with you and bless you. May you see your children's children. May you be poor in misfortunes and rich in blessings. May you know nothing but happinessfrom this day forward."

Why didn't you blog this weekend?

I was much too busy chasing around this pillar of adorableness.

Dark corners

At work for the past 12 days I've been sitting at someone else's desk while my desk has been reapropriated for someone who is training. My new dark corner is lonely and dusty and there are no pictures of my friends or family. It's like going to work on exile island every day. Who knew a desk could make you feel alone and abandoned at work. I live in cubicle city, surrounded by white noise voices and yet there I am alone with no one who I can talk to. I feel emo and like I should start humming swing low sweet chariot on my way to my desk.

Gifts

I want to ask. How could you be a grandparent to this and not see it several times a month? How could you not make an effort, even if it's hard, even if it requires going out of your comfort zone....even if you've got several others. How could this one not be special enough to warrant it's own time.

So what do I want for my 30th birthday? I want to feel loved, just as I want my husband and daughter to feel loved. I want to know that we are worth the commitment. I want an apology. And I want for you to act like you should have been acting all along...without me having to blog about it to make myself feel better.

But, if I can't get that...I guess I'll settle for a target giftcard.

Giggles

Today was my first weekday off from work. We had pancakes, went for a drive, did the grocery shopping and ran around the house a lot giggling. There was also of course a decent amount of whining, tantrum having and being generally unruly... but enough about me. Let's talk about how cute my daughter is when you tickle her.

Collective Sigh

I feel like I could resort to one of those blog points with bulletins that everyone else writes so I am going to...

• I had to stop taking the fertility pill I was on. I started getting Lactic Acidosis and my liver was very unhappy. There was blood. Lot's of blood. And I'm not talking about the 22 day menstrual cycle I had either. Different blood. And metal tastes in my mouth. Yucky. Project baby is on hold until I can get a Dr's appt about that.
• Today I drove to my grandfather's to suprise him with a visit. This is the 4th time I've tried and he wasn't home this time either. This time I resorted to leaving a note. I quit.
• Work has been good. I'm past the 90 day probation period but still stranded at "not my desk" while someone else is training and it's killing my moral.
• Last night I actually got a full nights sleep for a change. The baby went to bed at 7 (thank you time change) and slept in until 7:35 with only one wake up for a new diaper. It was sweet.
• I'm very worried about money.
• My 30th birthday is coming up and I think I'm going to plan myself a nice dinner out with friends and family now. I mean it's getting close and it doesn't seem to be planning itself. (But most things don't)
• I have today off because I am working Saturdays right now. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I will work 3 Saturdays and then I will rotate off. It was supposed to be 4 Saturdays but I took a 4 day weekend for my birthday.
• I can't find my sunglasses.
• I miss having a family that did things together. I recently heard about yet another family going through a divorce and I wish I could write the person in question an email and say... listen dude on behalf of your kids... you're ruining every holiday they have forever.
• What do you put in an Easter basket?
• My black eye is going away.
• Everyone else is pregnant and I am starting to get bitter. So I pray. Then I get tired of praying and I get bitter again. Nice cycle no? I'm working on it.
• 11 people I know are pregnant.
• Niobe's baby is beautiful. He makes me smile & I've never seen him in real life.
• I miss scrapbooking with other girls. Hell I miss talking to other girls in my home.
• I remember when being someone's friend meant you commited time to them and didn't just read about them on the internet.

Which leads me to the most important thing I'm thinking about right now. I'm thinking about making this blog private.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Black as Night in Broad Daylight

So opinions?

Back When I Wore PiggyTails

The counter was cold and hard and I would sit there while my Aunt Penny dipped the plastic comb in ice cold water to get the tangles out of my hair. The water would drip down my back and give me chills, resulting in her losing grip on the hair she was trying to pull back into piggy tails. Then eventually she'd get it all just right and she wrap that little plastic hair tie around my pony tail until I thought my head would pop. A quick spritz of hair spray that's probably illegal now and I was allowed to go play. "Pretty" they would proclaim as I marched proudly around the house in my new hair do. Then when I tried to yank it out I'd get the "pretty is as pretty does" lecture.

Now, I'm a mom. I set her on the bathroom counter and I distract her with the perfume bottles and extra makeup brushes. While I quickly run my wet hands in her hair trying to avoid the water dripping down her back (because I always hated that part)... then I quickly divide her hair in half and try and get it up into a pony tail before she notices what I'm doing and starts to squirm...or worse... help. Then once it's all up I proclaim her pretty and take her down stairs to show daddy, where she immediately starts to wrestle someone and it falls out.

I wonder if I could get some of that illegal hairspray off the internet?

Everywhere Status Go

She knows what she wants. She also knows how to get it. We are in the phase of on everything, behind everything, into everything and then while Mommy is distracted putting away the last thing, find something else to get ourselves into trouble with.

Meanwhile, on a job update front, I like the new job. I struggle with making less per hour than I have since um... right out of highschool? It's a pride thing. And a comfort of living thing. But, I think it's nice of God to pick such a blunt way to show me that I can like my job and live a simplier life. So for that I am greatful.

My mother is ok. People keep asking. She's gone back to "he who shall not be named" and as a result I set down some house rules that boil down to (1) he doesn't exist and (2) don't call me to tell me about how you are reacting to someone who doesn't exist. We seem to be doing fine with the new rules.

My relationship with Jon's mom is still broken. Mainly, because she doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong enough to me to warrant apologizing. And, despite lots of praying about it I still feel like I got ambushed by someone who was trying to show me how to be a Christian. I keep praying. Maybe someday something will come of that.

Jon, has become so good at his job that now he can do his job and other people's jobs while he's at work. The result, due to the economy, is a whole lot of nothing. But, I'm still proud of him for it. He stays home with the baby when I have to work and if we are both working she stays with Erin which has been a huge blessing.

I still have a black eye. My face is breaking out like a 13 year old boys from the fertility drugs I am taking. Yesterday I had a migraine all day which I am thinking is also from the hormones. And, finding out I didn't have cancer cost me almost $400 for the lab work. I guess that's cheaper than finding out you do have cancer...and once I calm down from the blinding rage I get just thinking about the bill, I'll try and refocus on that positive.

We finally got all our DMV related issues solved this month. The result will be a tight squeeze budget-wise but at least everything is on the up and up while we're driving which I know makes Jon a lot more comfortable.

Last but not least, it's 26 days till my 30th birthday, which I'm pretty sure means a whole lot of nothing being as we'll be too poor to go out or anything (at least at the rate we're going) but I took the day of my actual birthday off. Which I plan on spending by sleeping in... if nothing else.

I start working Saturdays this weekend. That will give me Wednesday's off. I'm hoping that having one weekday off will break my funk of sitting around in my pjs on my first day off every week. I am hoping to instead invest in some story time at the library with Layla and possibly a play group *gasp*.

I figure a play group might help me replace the nagging feeling that Layla should be spending more time with her cousins by involving her playing with a group of kids that actually invite her to things instead of always waiting for us to plan the next thing.

Is this post random enough now? Good, because I'm done.

Shiner Watch 2009

Because inquiring minds are dying to see updates. The swelling is mostly gone. It's mostly yellow with only a small purple spot now. *sigh* Not the best picture of me but the eye is pretty clear in it.

Close to you

When Layla doesn't feel well I can tell instantly. Her need to touch me goes from once every 10 minutes to once every 10 seconds. Her constant touch sometimes drives me crazy but I know it gives her comfort so I do my best to let her lay for endless amounts of time on my lap watching movies. Her favorite is to push up against my legs at the bottom of my chair with her hands on my lap. I don't know why. It seems akward to me to stand at someone's feet with your hands on their lap for an hour straight. But, it's not my comfort, it's hers so she can do it however she likes.

Her primary form of comfort comes from laying on me. She used to stick her hand up my shirt while she slept when she was a baby but as she's gotten older she sticks it inside the pillowcase instead. Not Thursday night though. Thursday night a molar made it's nasty entrance into the world and I found myself sleeping all night with a toddler on my chest with her hand on my tummy under my shirt and that stuffed cow I love to hate laying on my face wrapped up in her spindly little arms.

At least one of us was comforted by the situation.

Making good time

This week has felt like one giant game of hurry up and wait. Work, the kid, the hubby, the family, money and even my menstrual cycle seemed to all be caught in a loop of worry, wait, complete, move on, have to hurry, worry again and so forth. Despite all that it is nice to find myself home while the sun is still shining and watching the baby play on the floor. As she dances along and makes a mess during the boring parts of her TV show I find myself vividly aware of how big she is, how smart, and how beautiful. God's little miracle. She came in her own time and her own way and she's been moving right along at her own speed ever since. Maybe it's time for me to learn yet another thing from being a mom. Maybe I'l be lucky enough to learn that all things happen in their own time and that I have plenty of things to enjoy while I wait.

A place to be

Layla has started to explore. Curiousity caught her today when she was supposed to be napping. I found her under her bed instead of in it, hiding books from her bookshelf and some of her favorite upstairs toys for later I guess. Perhaps it's her first clubhouse.

I can relate to her need to have a spot all her own, things that no one else touchs or gets into. A place that is quiet and filled with comfort that you can feel surround you.

Mostly I find mine in books.

Which is good because it's easier to wrap myself in words than it is to try and squeeze myself under my bed.

Aubrey Asked...

I said something about the last picture of my "black" eye being with makeup on and with reduced swelling so that lead to a few emails about "what does it really look like". This is from today. DAY 7 of the Shiner. This is without make up of any kind. There is no longer any swelling. Now I'm just purple and yellow.

Niobe asked...

Niobe over at Dead Baby Jokes has a post about eye colors. My eyes change color. As my driver's licenses claims they are sometimes brown and dark like chocolate. And like my family will attest they sometimes turn a rich green color similar to sage that has been left out to dry. Sometimes, like today...they are a mix of both...some hazel half breed. My eyes hold my mood... if you can read their color well, you will always know what I am thinking. And as you can see today without makeup or airbrushing... I am tired. Blood shot eyes mean the same thing no matter what color your eyes normally are.

For the record. Layla also has my bizarre color changing eyes. They are a trait we both inherited from my Grandma Gerty.

It's in her blood

She comes from a long line of talkers, trouble makers and daredevils. I should have known what I was getting into the first time she screamed with joy as Jon threw her in the air. But, I didn't see it coming.

She is absolutely fearless, she has great balance and I swear she thinks she's two. She knows some of her colors, how to count to 4, and a few of her letters on sight. She can sing all of itsy bitsy spider, do all the hand motions for at least 3 other songs and she doesn't skip a beat when it comes to dancing to music when she hears it.

She's a genius. I know all moms think that but I've started comparing my kid to others. So I asked her Dr casually on her last visit and he gave her the 2 year old test...which she passed at 14 months. So now we're 16 months and while I listen to other kids hack out their 10th word, or echo phrases but not use them on their own. I secretly sigh in relief that I won't have to worry about her reaching a milestone for awhile now...being as she passed most of them early.

She sleeps in her own bed, she eats well and with utensils and straws, she even tells you what she wants most of the time.

I am blessed. I am so blessed.

I especially realize that now that I work at a place that specializes on helping people with health issues. Every day I talk to parents with children who have Autism or Asberger's or sometimes things far worse than that. Parents who talk about how their kids repeat words they say but don't really talk on their own, or who's children were late to walk or late to feed themselves. People who worried as their kids had trouble with social issues like biting or hitting way past when they should have. I spoke to a mom yesterday that said she always wondered but she didn't figure it out until her two year old only said words after they said them and still hadn't walked. God...how terrifying that sounds to me.

And I pray... I pray that I stay this blessed, that she is always healthy and happy and whole.

Then I pray more... for the other's I know who are blessed with children, or who are about to be blessed with children. Because sometimes you're work effects how you view things...and I wish mine never really did.

The Signs of Sleepy

Our house is lazy, tired and under stimulated this evening. I barely slept last night and Jon and the baby both got up at 5 am. Although this picture was taken Monday before nap time it pretty much sums up how we all feel.

The Shiner

This is my eye on Day 4 with makeup over it. The swelling is completely gone finally but I still look like I should be playing professional football.

Moving on!

I really want to throw away half the stuff I own and have much less stuff.
I'm not just saying that because the baby learned that without socks on age can climb almost anything in our house.

She's walking the back of the couch like a mountain goat, dancing on tables like a wild yeti, and causing havock by climbing every box and gate we own.

Chapters

I have 2/3 of the way done writing a book. I have been 2/3 of the way done writing this book since December. I haven't typed one letter in my "book" since the week before Christmas. I'm having a horrible time holding myself accountable to things now that I'm back to work.

I need to finish scrapbooking the babies first year scrapbook. I need to type a few more chapters. I need to file our taxes. I need to find my extra digital camera from highschool. I really need to locate my/Jon's birth certificates that went AWOL after the move.

But, instead I find myself doing the same thing day in and day out. Go to work, feed the kid, read a little, go to bed, get up & start over. Then the weekend comes and it's a scramble of back logged cleaning, dishes and chores. I feel like I'm never going to catch back up.

I know in 10 years I'll look back at the things I'm struggling with now and I'll long for them instead of whatever I'm going to be struggling with then. "The good ole days" every one falls victim to it eventually. What I don't know is how I focus on remembering that today is a good day when sometimes it just feels a little overwhelming.

And, it shouldn't be overwhelming. I've just lost some of my support net, some of my village is overwhelmed with their own issues. I'm trying to be there for them but I find myself wondering what it would be like to not have to always be dealing with Drama... you know like I did "back in the good old days".

I suppose that's why I blog. So 10 years from now I can look back at the "good ole days" and remember that during this chapter of my life there were struggles...and that I got past them. This blog will serve witness.

Happy Belated Valetine's Day!

I'm so behind this week. I didn't get around to putting Layla in her Valetine's dress until today. Luckily, she still had valentine cookies in her valentine bucket to pose with. *sigh*

For Valentine's Day I got a new bra (thanks Honey!) and a black eye. The shiner was from the baby who took a spill in our bed this morning at 5:15 and landed accidently on my eye. She was unphased. I look like I lied to my mob boss, or cheated on my husband and got caught, or to other parents...like my kid kicked me in the face during a diaper change...which I guess is pretty common.

This week will be extremely tight for Jon and I budget wise, so we spent Valentine's at home with a friend playing Munchkin (my favorite card game) and the boys had a little to drink after the baby went to bed...and then they played video games after I went to bed.

As far as valentine's go... it was pretty good for the plastic commercial heart holiday. There was upset, laughter, and later a black eye... but there was cake... everything is better with cake.

The Easter Bunny's Basket

This basket has been in my house forever. I think it was one of the first things I bought when as a teenager I started venturing to renaissance faires alone. It's also held books, DVD's, toys and even laundry in my house before. It's a useful giant basket. It just got retired from being the toy basket in Layla's room. When I moved it into my room (empty) she decided it was her spot to sit and play in our room.

I recently purchased her Easter basket so the bunny could get started filling it a little with each paycheck. It's a lot smaller than this basket. I hope she won't be disappointed when she can't sit in hers.

Happy Belated Birthday Garratt!

Jon's brother's birthday was on the 10th. I'm a slacker... I just remembered last night. Funny thing is, I knew his birthday was coming and then blanked out on the actual day of. So here's his belated birthday post.

Garratt is the kind of fun loving person that makes people around him smile. Once, when it was not his birthday he pretended that it was at the local restaraunt so that his family would get a good laugh (pictures above & below). He makes silly faces, wrestles the kids and loves Goofy.

But, the best thing about Garratt, is that he'll probably forgive me when he finds out I posted this pictures on the INTERNET!!

Happy Belated Birthday!

Things Layla decided she could do this week...

• Lock herself in rooms
• Say yes to any question where the answer isn't obviously no
• Climb on to the side table in the living room
• Climb on to the kitchen table
• Climb across her book case
• Climb on to the big beds
• Count to 3 (always) and 4 (sometimes) and 6 (rarely) but never on command
• Find and say the letter J in her alphabet book
• Run without going sideways
• Call Nana on my phone despite it not working correctly for me
• Open a sippy cup lid
• Put on her left shoe
• Pull her own shirt off
• Drop an F bomb when she broke something
• Ask for specific movies and then mimic them on TV
• Dance like Daddy
• Dance like Mommy
• Sing two new songs, making the list now...Wheels on the Bus, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Prince Ali (from Aladdin) and Route 66/Life Could be a Dream (from Cars)
• Drink from a cup without a straw
• Properly eat yogurt with a spoon
• Hide things from us based on size... (flat things under things, round things in things, etc)
• Identify the color blue, pink and NOT blue (otherwise known as any color other than blue or pink)
• Correctly use keys

And lastly...

• Not perform any of the above mentioned things on demand but only when the mood strikes her and it will get her the most attention.

I Heart BlackBerry BackUp

Ok... so the phone died. You know that part. But what you don't know is why... well it broke because some lady I knew in highschool sent me a forward (which she does a lot) and my phone previewed it which counts as opening it (just like the view window in outlook) and it had a virus.

The virus was wimpy so it didn't hurt my PC but it killed my phone. The phone started eating any message that I sent out, most messages that I recieved via text, etc...

It was tragic

But, my phone is under warranty and it was supposed to have virus protection... so now two days after I made my complaint to AT & T wireless the nice people at Blackberry have sent me a cranberry red pearle just like my last one...

Minus a virus.

Jon is currently putting my myspace back on my phone and thanks to the Blackberry back up on my PC from the 10th, I only lost whatever messages I received (and didn't notice missing) since last Thursday.

It even kept my bookmarks for the internet.

I love this phone.

Grumpy

Today I feel like I'm fighting the world and had it not been for a good husband, a wonderful daddy and a BFF that was willing to listen I might have actually had to.

Maybe it's PMS...afterall I haven't had a period in ... um... forever.

But it's probably more likely that it was the mess up at the electric company that got our power turned off when it shouldn't be and then the not nice man when I called to arrange my car payment for tomorrow. Maybe it was the massage I missed out on and the horrible dreams the full moon gave me last night.

Whatever it is... I hope I can sleep it off.

Busted

Today something off happened and now I am behind and stressed out. Pray for patience.

On the Random

My phone is dead. May it R.I.P. they are sending me a new one...I think.

My menstrual cycle is alive. Thank you, Jesus!

My new schedule is awfully early but my kid is awfully cute after work.

I heart fresh asparagus steamed with butter and sea salt.

The baby plays alone in her room now when she doesn't want to nap. By play, I mean that she destroys her room and laughs while she does it.

We might actually get a very very small tax return.

My FSA is finally set up and I should get the new card in the mail in about a week at which point I can finally go to the dentist.

This Little Light of Mine

This is what brightens up my days.

It's beautiful to me how a child experiences joy. I love how when she feels joy it bubbles out of her in her laugh, her eyes, her posture and the light around her seems brighter and filled with hope. I love that when the spirit moves her she is open to the compulsion to do what feels happy. To dance, to sing, to clap, to run...

I love that she is alive with love. I love that she is a little light that is always shining. Twinkling even in the darkest moments... she is a sign of God's love, in both noun and verb form. She is the definition of new experiences, the example of whole hearted and the explaination for a life lived loudly and without real explaination.

Spring Cleaning Bug

Jon and I have both caught the spring cleaning bug. Last week we moved around furniture...giving our living room and dining room a little make over to make them both baby friendly for feeding times. Then yesterday there was the purging of baby toys to boxes, the cleaning of Layla's room, and the reorganizing of our office filing cabinet. Today I'm not sure what will get done but here are some things on our to do list... in no particular order...

1. Dig the Easter decorations out of the attic
2. Clean out the closet under the stairs so it is usable not just a giant pile of junk.
3. Clean out the two baskets in our closet
4. Donate baby clothing to charity to get it out of our closets
5. Re-organize the garage and get rid of things we don't need.
6. MINIMIZE our collection of collections... do we really need all this stuff??

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Today I'm airing out the house and getting some much needed posting lined up on my food blog. I also posted baby pictures finally on Layla's blog and I think I'll make some cowboy cookies later this afternoon. I need to make one more trip to the grocery store and to take a shower with out a baby underfoot and shave my legs.

I'm super excited I start my new shift tomorrow. 6 am to 2:30 pm Monday to Friday for the month of February...then it changes again. That leaves weeks and afternoons with my Layla bug and hubby as well as plenty of time to go back to school.

So I'm going to go deal with the spring cleaning and when I'm done I'm going to get out my work clothes and get ready for tomorrow. Both of which seem much more important then finding a blog prompt right now when I can't think of anything to blog about.

Recap, Regroup & Reappropriate Accordingly

Back when I had a job where I managed people, I used to assign myself calendar time once a week called RRR. RRR was thirty minutes where I focused on recaping issues I faced that week, regrouping my undone to-do list and reappropriating tasks according to priority.

This week has been a busy week and I sort of wish I still had a little RRR on my calendar. That would be a nice change of pace. Time to look back at the week spent on the phones at the new job getting things done. A little more time to pray for the friend I can't call because my phone doesn't work and who hasn't written back to my emails because I know she's struggling. A little time to find a red shirt to wear to work tomorrow, figure out what's for dinner and rejoice in today's small victories (I won hockey tickets at work & I got a pretty good schedule bid finally).

Those are the sorts of things that seem to be tumbling around inside my head because I can't seem to nail them down to anything. I'm a bubble of repeating myself, losing my keys and going to bed entirely too early because I just want to.

Meanwhile, my daughter is pushing toddler boundaries, my husband is keeping the laundry done and my life keeps being it's normal spastic self. Tomorrow is another payday that will be gone just as soon as I get it and next week is another week of things to do.

But you know what? Now that I stopped to blog about it... it seems not so stressful. See I knew a little RRR would help.

My Valentine

One year for Valentine's day he gave me a kiss. Then one year he held me while I cried about t

he baby we thought we'd lose. The next year he gave me a get out of jail free card when I couldn't leave my daughter at home on Valentine's day. This year he gives me the gift of being a fabulous father who keeps me smiling and loves his daughter so very much.

I guess that's why I picked him to be my Valentine forever.

Oh Potty!

Let me just say that for the last oh... I don't know... week and a half... I've been blogging from mobile blogger on my cell phone. It takes forever and I feel like it never makes much sense but it's just been so darn busy. I haven't checked my email in at least 11 days and now I just don't want to because I know it's going to be full of junk and I don't want to waste time deleting it. So I'm going to procrastinate on that even further.

I DESPERATELY need to go to the post office. I have had three packages to ship in my car since DECEMBER. Pathetic no? I also really need to get my taxes filed, find my lost set of dangly earrings and call back my car payment place. None of which will be happening today.

The fertility drugs they put me on make me feel tired and sickly. I don't remember that from last time but I got pregnant almost immediately last time so I might have blamed the baby. Working the new job is fun and it keeps me busy during work hours and then I come home to my little devil child.

Not that she's evil, she's just OVERLY curious lately. For instance I took this picture last week while I was getting ready for work. While I did my eyeliner she sat on the potty and told me she was going "pee potty" then got down and proceeded to unravel ALL the toilet paper. *sigh*

It could be worse. I have friends going through actual life drama. I'm just watching the tail end of financial drama whip past me and working on getting my feet back under myself. In the meantime, blogging will be less than daily but more than once a week. That's the best I can promise. Maybe if I stick to that I can actually make that phone call and go to the post office.

I wonder how rude it's considered to make that phone call while waiting in line in the post office?

I'm an excellent multi-tasker.

Mildly Overwhelmed is easy

You know you've had a tough year when the mildly overwhelming stuff doesn't even phase you anymore. In fact you know you've had a tough year when you don't notice something could be overwhelming until it's almost over. I've hit that point.

Some things are easy now that I'm used to it.

Last night we went out to dinner with other adults. Someone brought a kid the same age as mine. I floated through that unharmed...my one night out as an adult being kid friendly.

Then someone died that I didn't know but I watched the path of broken hearts it left behind and I prayed for them but I didn't stop in my tracks and have to recover my sanity.

There is clutter in the closet, pee on some sheets, and I broke a nail all before 8 am. No big deal.

Truth of the matter is, I'm getting my defenses back. I missed the confidence to be "ok" a lot while it was gone but I'm glad it's back now.

Money is still tight, but there is always hope. There is even talk about communal living that brings hope and joy to my heart (even if it doesn't work out I got to think about it and that's exciting). There is a job with a desk with a drawer. There is a babysitter who does more than she should for less money than she should. There are friends who call and stop by. There are babies coming (6 of them...none of them mine).

And God saw fit to give me my fertility perscription for free from my insurance. I think it's a sign. A sign that this year might actually be easier than the last one.

The Harvest

Unrelated to work news (which seems to be all I write about these days)... I am starting a fertility based prescription. Just being I know all the fertility issue lovers that read here like to keep themselves in the know.

I had a dream last night that a Pastor at my church adopted a second baby. I don't even know if they are trying to adopt a second baby but it made me think a lot about adoption today in my down time at work. I keep thinking about all the people losing jobs and losing homes and how some of those people might be losing kids. It breaks my heart.

Some idiot killed his entire family last week because he thought they were better off dead during the economic downturn. Don't people like that know that right in the town they live in at least 30% of the couples trying to conceive are having issues and praying for a baby just like one of his FIVE that he killed. Makes me sad, angry and just a little bit inclined to pull out a soap box to preach from.

The thing is, if I was going to adopt a baby, I'd be more likely to do it right now while money is tight. Maybe it's the Christian in my clinging to the "god will find a way" mentality. Or maybe it's the country girl in me thinking "take care of those who need help". But probably it's just the hippy in me that wants to live in a commune with little to know stuff and spend all my time growing babies and tiny carrotts (why are home grown carrotts so small?).

Cubicle City

It's official. I have a desk. I have a desk with drawers. I have a desk with drawers in a little city of cubicle walls. My cubicle walls are bare except for two handouts I need to transfer calls. My desk proudly holds 4 pictures and a candy dish... oh and a rubber duck.

Soon there were will be two more pictures but I have to print them first and get silver frames for them. For now I sit in a desk chair (which is actually pretty comfy) with a pre-marriage picture of the hubby and I, a LaylaBug baby picture, a LaylaBug toddler picture and a picture of me and my friend Jen all above me reminding me that this is were I am...this is where I belong...

It's odd how having your own desk in cubicle city changes your sense of self worth. Yesterday I was a waste of time, stuck between training and being useful in a job. Today... I am a co-worker. I have the company allotted ruler, stapler and inbox to prove it.

Tonight after work (it was payday) we ran to Target because my daughter suddenly refuses to drink from a cup that doesn't have a "strawl" (straw). For the first time in a long time... the thought of spending an extra $4 on toddler stuff didn't scare me. I guess it takes semi-permenant walls to make a person feel secure.

Also, in spirit lifting news- my friend at work (at least I think she's my friend we seem to get along well and all) is in my group and her chair is DIRECTLY behind mine, I can literally swivel my seat and talk to her. Cool no? I have a friend to talk to at work. I also have company email and an annoying keyboard shelf.

Tomorrow is casual Friday and there is a "super bowl" potluck at work which I really think just means we'd all like an excuse to eat a lot. Now if that doesn't sound like a great first day as a real employee I don't know what does.

Alas It Is Time

Tomorrow our little training class at work "graduates" which is slang for eats free Mexican food on the company expense account. Hopefully, this will be the last time I have to talk about training for awhile.

I'm just waiting for a place to put all my pictures out on my own little desk. I even gathered everything up tonight and put it in a box so I can take it in my car until I need it. I also suddenly realize that I will need to invest in new pens because the J-O-B pays for cheap pens and I'm above using a 10 cent writing tool.

I'm exhausted and I can't sleep which always drives me crazy. I lost a baby picture and I think I may have accidently returned it in a library book that I was using it as a book mark in. At least it doesn't have the babies name on it or anything embarrassing that I would hate lossing in it.

I put forth some effort tonight, while wasting time to try and get the digital key chain I got for Christmas all working. It's not working. So I'm giving up an hour into the process and writing this blog about nothing in particular. I think the random way I'm bouncing about in topics could accurately sum up my state of mind right now.

I want to paint walls, clean out closets and scrub things but I'm so tired that I never even start. I have no idea how that Duggar woman does it. I am exhausted and only one kid wanted me to feed it dinner tonight.

Sigh

I went to bed last night at 730 and I took too long in the shower this morning because I am exhausted. What is wrong with me?

Red Light Green Light Yellow Light

This morning I was rushing. I woke before the alarm and got into the shower quickly. I bathed with the speed an efficiency that comes with knowing you've got a full plate today. The baby woke about the time I was putting mousse in my hair and I went buck naked to change her diaper and then hurried to get dressed. I rushed us down stairs and rushed through making her morning milk bottle. I hurriedly cut up a banana, made a bagel with cream cheese (half for each of us) and gave her a "candy car" gummy vitamin. I hurried through gathering up a lunch for work, finding my jacket, locating my purse and keycard for work. Then I looked at the clock. I had 30 minutes before the "early" time I had to leave. Seriously? I stressed myself out about not having enough time that I ended up with too much time. So I sat down in my favorite chair, turned on a movie for the baby and pulled out a book. Thirty minutes later, the baby was still eating and I woke up the hubby to watch her while I ran a few errands before work. I went to the library and returned books. I went to the gas station and got a soda with ice for work so I could break a twenty to have lunch money. I went to the grocery store and bought a stamp. Then I went to work to visit with the girls while I waited for my work day to start…running early. By the time I clocked in I was prepared for a repeat of my yesterday, spent watching training videos and wasting time while the company tried to figure out what to do with those of us that were done training while everyone else is finishing up their training. Turns out, today had other plans for me.
Today I started taking live calls at work. First a fake one with the manager, then a real one…then another. Today I got to stop learning for a living and started working for a living… I'm so excited I can't see straight. Now I'm still stuck in the training room while I wait for my work area to be ready. But at least now I know I'm done trying to make it. Later this week we'll finally pick schedules. We'll pick on for the month of February and one for March through to Summertime. I have 2nd pick at this point and it looks like it might stay that way. There might actually be a light at the end of this tunnel.

The Testing

I just took my "final" at work, which I think should really be called my mid-term. The final involved processing batches of work to be audited by another person. I got a 97% which was very good. I made one stupid mistake, that I'll kick myself over forever.



What pick you get of schedules is based on your score, so far one person has a higher score than me and I'll know about the two other people testing mid next week. I just want my work schedule and I really want an early morning so I have to worry about it until we get to pick.


I hate to worry.



I spend enough time worrying about the baby, childcare, money and my marriage staying strong despite both of us having broken and crazy families. I do not need to worry about non-sense at work.



Call me greedy or judgemental but I just feel like I have better things to do. So I get a little upset when I have to wait for things ALL THE TIME. By all accounts I probably could have tested out of this class a week ago but they made me wait for everyone else, now I'm waiting again to see how they test before I can move on.



Ahh limbo... Lord you know what to use to push my buttons don't you?

Just keep swimming upstream

In times of stress I like to remind myself that if I just keep going it has to get easier eventually. Usually it does. I call that day Sunday.

Sunday for me is either a pajama day at home with the family or church and lunch with friends, depending on the week and how motivated we feel.

I am about 2 months shy of 30 years old and I am still struggling with my own identity and sense of self worth. But, what I know now that I didn't in my younger days is that it is possible to swim upstream and if you keep swimming you usually get there eventually.

Up then Down

On Monday I found out that I don't have cancer. After finding out that I didn't have cancer and that I wasn't so far into menopause that I couldn't at least give breeding again a shot I thought nothing could knock me down.

Then my mom decided she'd rather betray my trust again and do the same thing she did last time with my crazy almost ex step dad. I'm so done. I can't even call her back. The thought of her makes me want to vomit. I have a migraine.

Then back up again... a friend of mine is for sure pregnant and due August 21st and I'm super excited for her because I know she'll be an awesome mom.

Then back down... I have a two week window where I have to find child care that's cheap because super nanny Erin is getting to go to DC. Crap... try not to panic.

Ahhh life...

Too Much to Touch

Today we went to visit Great Grandpa Kenneth again. Layla loves running around his giant living room and up and down the tile hallways that leave her thumping little feet echoing through the entire house. She ran from one ceramic animal to the other saying "what is this"

a deer

a goose

a frog

a bird

another deer

a dog

a cowboy on a log

thump thump thump down the hallway again and back and then a fun game of going through the end tables looking for treasure.

She sure knows how to wear mommy and daddy out. It was a blur of "big trouble", "no touch" and "not yours". To her account though, she only touched each item once...there were just too many options to try and touch for her own good.

This Week

This week I learned a lot about patience, I learned that a random act of kindness tends to force other people to do random acts of kindness and I learned what the difference between Alzhiemer's and Frontal Lobe Dementia is. It's been a busy week.

This week Layla learned how to drink from a straw, how to give herself a yogurt facial, how to say puzzle perfectly, and how to eject a DVD. It's been a busy week for her too.

This week bills got paid, the husband took a few extra shifts and the baby sitter (who should come with a hero cape and tights) worked over time and extra days to help us get back on track without even batting an eye.

This week I won three games of backgammon, but last night I lost three in a row making me behind at the end of this week. This week I only read three books. This week Jon never got around to washing the towels because he had better things to do.

This week I prayed harder than I have in awhile. This week I took a blood test, which is starting to be a statement in my life that fills me with dread. This week my anxiety is very high, my ability to go to bed at a reasonable hour is very low and my belief than Jenny Meghan can do this is very real.

This week I know that next year August will start off a holiday season that goes straight through till December because there will be so many birth days, birthdays and anniversaries before October that we'll be lucky if we just don't nap on Halloween to catch up on much needed sleep.

This week I learned that real friends will text message you on your break at work to make you laugh. I learned that getting a text that says "drop every thing and breed" isn't funny if you don't know why the person next to you is getting it. I learned that explaining it is more funny than actually recieving it.

This week I learned that emo bitter friendship is pure in it's love. This week I learned you can't buy happiness but you can buy yourself a few seconds peace of mind. This week I learned that my kid really likes Costco frozen dinosaur shaped chicken products. This week I learned I didn't care that my kids chicken is shaped like a T-Rex.

This week I learned that my god son wants his middle name to be "wowie". I also learned that in the end your parents will always show up and know what not to say. I also learned that if someone isn't your parent they will probably check off everything on the "what not to say" list before the end of the conversation.

This week I learned that I am still learning. This week I reminded myself daily that there is always hope. This week... I bleed because I am human.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. ~~Deuteronomy 4:29

Boundaries

Layla has hit that age where she is smart enough to understand yes from no and curious to try and work out wrong from right. For that reason, we spend a lot of time over here working on boundaries. Some boundaries keep her safe, some prepare her for adult life, some get her used to the concept of rules, some teach her about loving other people, and some are just there to keep Jon and I sane.

Some boundaries we've already set like stone.

• No upstairs toys downstairs and no downstairs toys are allowed upstairs.
• No pacifiers outside of the bedroom unless you are sick or hurt and need comfort.
• No jumping off the couch.
• No kicking people or hitting people. You use your words when you need something.

Others are just a matter of being consistant with things that aren't obviously consistant to a one year old.

• Meal time is for sitting and eating, not throwing food.
• Inside voices are to be used inside, unless of course you are inside someplace for yelling.
• Not every doggy is your friend.
• Not every person who pretends to be your friend will always be nice to you.
• Some family can't be trusted alone in a room with you because they play too rough, but you should still play with them.
• You should run at the park but you shouldn't run away from me at the park.

Some rules are just there to keep us from going insane.

• You have to take a nap or at least be quiet in your room an hour a day.
• Bedtime is at roughly the same time every night whether you like it or not.
• You have to stay at the church nursery because Daddy says it's good for you.
• Mommy has to go to work and so does daddy so you might as well have fun with Erin and not scream when we leave.

And then there are the rules that just amuse Mommy.

• Putting things in and out the trash is not amusing and not a game.
• You can not bath yourself with a wash cloth and toilet water.
• It is not ok to eat things that you have tried to feed to Papa Mark's dog.
• Touching the night light is forbidden, even though it's really cool that your hand makes it light up.
• It's not ok to throw yourself into things when you are frustrated, if you do this and get hurt, it is ok for Mommy and Daddy to point and laugh before they help you.
• M&M's are not a breakfast food despite the fact that Papa Glen gave them to you.
• Just because Nana Lorrie let's you play with her cell phone does not mean you get to play with all cell phones and pretend to call Nana.
• Hiding something behind your back or covering your eyes while being lectured will not make the item be forgotten or you be invisible.
• Don't lick the soap, it smells good but it tastes nasty.

And last but not least...today's personal favorite...

• If you are trying to play with CD's and you get in trouble. When you two hours later shut yourself in the bedroom with the CD rack and find temptation too much to handle, the door will swing open and in your panicked state (despite not actually touching a CD yet) you will try and run away. When you do this...

Do not run directly into the closet door!

Some boundaries are physical...and it's really hard for Mommy to be nurturing when she's trying to keep from pissing her pants laughing.

Hello Moto!

Last night I got a couple calls from an unknown number, after the 3rd call the person left a vague message about finding a cell phone with my number as an emergency contact. Being as the call was on my cell phone I knew it wasn't mine so I asked what it tooked like.

Small, black with a picture of a baby.

Well that could be anyone's even my husbands so I make arrangements to get the phone.

At 8 pm I met a random stranger to get the mystery phone. She was old and nice and she had a young person she knew unlock the keypad for her and find a number for her to call. She found the phone in her rosebushes along side the road.

As soon as I flipped open the phone I discovered I didn't know the baby in the picture. But it looked like the sis in laws phone so I scrolled the numbers until I found an entry under dad who matched job's dad's number. Yep it's hers.

So I took her her phone. She lost her phone 2 days before so she was shocked when I of all people handed it to her. She'd already had a new one on order through her phone insurance but hopefully she can return it and get her money back.

Fun stuff, and not at all what I thought I'd be doing last night.

Plus One

Ok, another family member announced they were pregnant today...due at the same time as the others give or take. It seems to be something in the water...so perhaps I should just start drinking more fluids. LOL Baby count over here is getting higher and higher. I'm super excited for this particular cousin because I know that she's going to be a stay at home mom forever and she wants her kids super close together so that worked out well for her.

Today was my blood test. My doctor ordered enough tests that they couldn't take that amount of blood so they had to call him at 7 am, wake him up and ask him which tests he really wanted to give me. But it all worked out and I was to work with 20 minutes to spare. She got my blood in one poke too which is highly rare for me.

Work announced today that I would be moving on to the final phase of training and could expect to be done with training in the next two weeks (before Feb 2nd) which is exciting because that means that I'll be able to know what my new schedule will be soon and I can decide if I am going back to school next semester or the one after that (financial aid permiting)

Layla has decided that each day when I come home from work she will marvel me with something new that I missed while she was away. Today during the itsy bitsy spider song she did the "down came the rain" hand motions (previously we had a lot of spiders, and out came the suns but nothing else). That kid is just amazing.

Blood Donor

Tomorrow morning I get to get up a little earlier than usual and mosey my happy little hiney over to the blood testing area at QD. Those of you who know me, know that the thought of voluntarily letting someone put a needle under my skin for any amount of time is practically unbearable...and yet I'm sort of looking forward to it. Rather, I should say I am looking forward to knowing if I can have another one of these.

Many prayers and happy wishes go to Niobe over at Dead Baby Jokes who has been blessed with a baby boy to call her very own. Niobe used a surrogate mom so I have been reading her religiously (being as I might need one of those one day).

It seems everyone is having a baby. I know of 5 people who I personally interact with on a regular basis that are officially "bun in the oven" status. Plus, I know one lovely person who's joining the trying to concieve with Stien Leventhal Syndrome race assuming that the giving blood thing goes well.

As usual life in the Jeffery house is filled with quasi drama. But mostly, Jon has a cold...Layla is adapting to life in the big girl bed pretty easily and my floor is covered with toddler debris but I'm going to bed early anyhow.

Because that's what real life looks like people.

Surrounded by Love

Layla is very lucky in that most of the people who come to our house are part of her fan club. It makes her the sort of confident child that in her own home has no problem flirting with you, playing with you and wrapping you around her little finger.

Lately, the ability to dance and sing has proved to be a very powerful tool for her. Everybody loves a song. And, with this weeks move to the big girl bed it is just another reminder that she's not really a baby anymore.

The Key

I held it out in front of me in one hand turning it over and over. The weight of it seemed heavier than I expected. It was a small key, and as I brushed the dirt away from it, a delicate tracing of ivy and vines became clear at the top. The key itself looked like it belong to a long lost door to a forgotten world and considering that it was stuck in the grass of some small town elementary school I found myself wondering what it was supposed to open.

I tucked the little key into my pocket, and later placed it on a key chain. I carried it around with me for over 10 years, trying it occassionally in antique store finds with rusty old locks that looked about the right size. I once even ventured to put it into a gate lock at a house that had been around long enough that it looked like it belonged. All the while the key in my pocket carried an energy of searching for something...so I kept my eyes open.

Like most things alive with only hope and belief, the strength of the keys whimsical entrance into my life faded from mind and with it the sense of searching to find home faded from my pocket until one day the key found it's way into my jewelry box instead of every lock I passed. It sat there untouched for 6 more years until one night in my living room it came up in an unexpected conversation.

"I dreamed once of a woman dressed in white," I told my mother, "I dreamed of her so much that she scared me. One day driving to Grandma's I swear I saw her on the side of the road. So I told Grandma."

My grandmother was the sort to believe a spirit on the side of the road was not only normal but expected. A trace of Cherokee blood trickled through her and it kept her aligned to things I had only just begun to understand at the age of 16 when I passed that hollow woman in white.

"You'll just keep seeing her...that's what Grandma said... so you might as well stop and talk to her." I said in my best Grandma voice. My mother seemed not at all suprised by my story or my grandmother's answer or my strange encounter...so I continued. "So I did. And she just walked slowly in front of my car. So I drove behind her for over 5 miles from the river to the middle of town and then parked my car and followed her around the chain link fence that she walked through at the elementary school until she took me to the corner with the brick wall. The wind came up and the it danced around me like a chapter in the The Secret Garden and there on the ground was a key."

I described the key upstairs, I knew it by heart. And my mother listened intently while I talked about how I felt like I had to carry it around forever and how I never saw the woman in white again.

"I know that key," my mother said with a grin, "it opens the door to your great grandmother's house." A house long since torn down, but which would have at the time been standing alone and vacant. "I wonder what you would have found if you went in."

BlackSheep Testimony

My husband called himself the black sheep of his family this week. I'm glad he did it first so I didn't have to. It's not that we're the social outcast because we're bad people mind you...we're just not into the whole "stepford wives of Christianity" thing.

I am the Christian most likely to drop an F bomb when I'm mid-prayer. I am the Christian who still wants a ward tattoo even though I know God will protect me without one. I'm still a Christian working on my abililty to love well despite a sometime crippling rage that consumes my thoughts about some people. I'm still a work in progress. I am a structure created by my choices, how I choose to react and not to react will teach you more about me than what has happened to me ever will.

I picked the church I attend because the Pastor there once told me that he wanted the church to be "come as you are" and I told him that "come as you are and we'll fix you" wasn't very appealing to people. He said he preferred to think of it as "come as you are and we'll use the gifts God has already given you to show you gifts you didn't know you could use".

He said that too me... but it isn't a part of me. What defined me is that I choose to stay and to actively worship in the belief that my God would listen and my God would understand and that my God will someday use me to disciple to someone that it is ok to be the person you are...with the gifts you have...and God will be so mighty with love for you that he will use you to further his kingdom.

I remember when I was about 15 I went with my mom to this Mission by the ocean. There was a thing there about testimonies of faith and she told/asked me that everyone has a testimony in their life and they use it to stand for something. It was an off hand comment but it stuck, obvisiously, because I still remember it now many many years later.

So I guess this is a part of my testimony, and I am willing to stand alone for it. It defines a part of me, the part still be sculpted by God...

I am the testimony of a God who's love can pour over you like a gentle rain and wash away your shattered pieces and broken fragments to a place where they can wash up on shore and become beautiful art that moves people to do things beyond themselves.

BlackSheep Village

Hi! Welcome to BlackSheep Village.

My village drew close after my last battle with the all too familiar darkness. Out of the woodwork people willing to listen, people willing to laugh, people willing to clean my house and watch my kid for free...they all came.

They prayed.

And I felt their positive energy (even the type that came with Emo rage and good commentary) lightening my spirit.

I can do this.

And if I can't... I'll just baaaaaa!

Broken and Perfect

Or perhaps that should be perfect and broken because that's the order I'll be writing about things in...

Item 1- Perfect-

Layla's 15 mo check up was a little late but we did it yesterday. She is PERFECT. She tested like a 2 year old for intellegence, she walks early and well for her age and talks early and well for her age. She has cognitive relay function 6 months early (following directions, putting shapes in sorters, object awareness)

She weighs 22 lbs and they said the scale in same day care must need a revamp. She's 32 inches tall. That puts her in the 43% for weight and 95% for height.

He said to put her in music lessons before she turns two because she's headed down the young and gifted path and music lessons help with comprehension and a bunch of other unrelated things in young kids.

Item 2- Broken

Hi, my name is Allie, I am 29 years old and I am in early menopause. Last night my husband and I had to decide if we were going to fight nature and try to have another baby. We had to decide if the now or never mentality applied to us twice.

In the middle of this emotional blow I took some family news and wanted to beat several people to a pulp. So now I'm working on my anger again... which I think might be a life long battle for me

*sigh*

Her Village

A girl friend of mine just found out she's expecting and while she's coming to terms with what that means in her life she has firmly grasped the "I can do this alone but it takes a village to raise a child mentality" to which I give a solid two thumbs up and hip hip hooray.

Our village is tight-knit. It took a little while to figure out who to keep and who to get rid of. Most of the people in our village have taken what matters most for Layla and put it far ahead of what matters most for them when we least expected it. We're proud of our little village.

In our village people pretend to eat plastic foods, they play with pink cash registers, they call even when you forget to call them, they stop everything to watch the movie Cars to calm someone down for bedtime, they share bites, they share their purses and keys and they share a shoulder to cry on for Mommy or someone to trust to talk to with Daddy.

Now all our village needs is a name...

Musically Inclined

My husband plays the drums. He's been known to play a few other things as well in his lifetime. I play the piano. I've also dabbled around with the picallo and some wind instruments favored by native americans. I suppose I should not be suprised that my child can see you play an instrument and then use it well...even though she's only 1. But I still am sometimes.

This weekend Layla played a little rock band. She's got good rhythm and she's already figured out what the foot peddle does.

Drummer? Piano Prodigy? Girl with the egg shakers behind the band?

Whatever she does... I'm pretty sure she'll be the best one I've ever seen.

I'm not bias. I'm just her mother.

What a Change 08-09

So I got tagged for one of those horrible things where you talk about what you did last year during each month. *sigh* I'm not tagging anyone because it's labor intensive but feel free to do it if you'd like and link in the comments so people can go check it out. Pull a picture from each month from your PC and post it and then talk about what happened that month.

I'm going to try but no promises...



January- I started working at the evil Dr's Office. My child who was very small, stayed home with Melissa, tried mushy foods for the first time, and in general looked cute on Daddy's lap. Daddy worked a lot of hours at the beginning of last year... I remember that too.




February- The most memorable thing about February was our trip to Yosemite to see the snow for Garratt's birthday. We took all the kids with us and it was super fun. Even when Layla hated the snow.


March- March was a busy month, Mommy's 29th birthday (which was a rock star good time) and Easter were both in March. On Easter we had a few family members over for lunch and Layla tried to eat her Easter basket and Easter book.



April- The month of April was a sunny and uplifting one, Mommy got out of that horrible job at the Evil Dr's Office and got to stay home with Laylabug full time. Money was tight, but relief from a horrible job gets you a long way in life.



May- Was a month of movement and growth. Mommy moved into the role of being home full time. Daddy moved into the role of being the calm one when things got tight. And LaylaBug just moved...scooting around and sitting up and doing all sorts of amazing baby things. This is also when Mel and Garratt moved to Washington so we got together a few times with family to say goodbye. Plus a birthday party for Aiden who was 2.

June- The summer started off with Layla and Mommy going to a lot of festivals and faires with family and friends. Godmother Sarah came down for a visit too. It was warm in June and Mommy really liked it.



July- The month of July was full of visits. We had Grandpa Kenneth's 80th birthday BBQ. Lynn and Pheonix came down to spend time from Washington. And it was county fair time. It was busy busy busy. There was a lot of time in water, which Layla LOVED.



August- August was Daddy's birthday (28), Pheonix's Birthday (2) and Faith's birthday (1) both of which were really fun. And we moved to the town house from the big house to consolidate expenses. We also started Layla on solid foods, she started walking and by her 1st birthday in Sept. she knew over 65 words.



September- Oh my, it's a wonder we lived through Sept. There was a road trip to Columbia and Collin's first birthday. There was Layla's first birthday and a visit from Sarah. It was just busy busy busy. We went to visit Grandparents, a couple weekends in a row.



October- Ah, Halloween, the holiday that keeps on giving. We went to see all the local family on Halloween night but earlier in the month was Nevaeh's 2nd birthday and we discovered Layla's love of the park so we spent a lot of time on the swings during October.

November- More park time, Thanksgiving with lot's of Turkey at Papa Mark's and Papa Glen's. A playdate with Trisha's little boy who share's a birthday with Layla (by 3 hour) and Mommy was well into getting another job with interviews, tests and applications almost everyday.

December- Mommy went back to work for a company just two blocks away. Daddy became a part time Mr Mom with Miss Erin staying on the days when both of us work (which Layla loves) and there was Christmas. Lot's of Christmas before and after Christmas too because the family is broken up and scattered.

When the ball dropped

When the New Year's Eve ball dropped I was in bed, snuggled up with a pillow and a quilt I've had for years with the heater set to just right. The book I had been reading before I drifted off to sleep with the light on was falling off my chest and losing my marked page. But, I didn't notice.

I woke this morning to find that January 2009 while vastly different than January 2008 really felt a lot like December 2008 did. I cursed as I stepped on a Duplox block and made a bottle, the new year started off like Monday started off...with Handy Manny and someone in feetsie jammies climbing off my lap every 4 minutes to dance and then back up again to get warm.

There was no magical new year's kiss...still hasn't been one...because we've been married parents long enough now to value sleep over marketed reasons to get drunk and get laid. And that my friends makes me an officially boring old person... who isn't tired...because I got a lot of sleep.

So what makes 2009 different than 2008 so far...

Well I got enough sleep and because I didn't spend the Eve with Jon's family I will not be hearing it retold to me later this year by someone else in his family who wasn't there like they know more than I do about what happened.

My kid wasn't squished in bed between us, instead she's a full fledged toddler, with her own bed in her own room and her own opinions of what a bedtime ritual should look like. So on the Eve she went to bed with a pacifier and a blankie and a cow I hate and woke up in 2009 desperately needing a diaper change and a sippy cup instead of a bottle.

At the end of 2007 I was out of work, out of luck and out of hope. At the beginnning of 2009 I find myself with a job, with a little change in my wallet and with the hope that someday we'll be all caught up again on bills.

On the Eve 2008 we had a bigger house, a bigger yard and a bigger rent to pay. This year we start off with bills more within our means, a house that's just right for 3 people and no crazy landlord doing yardwork on Tuesdays.

All in all, it's a little different here... but it feels mostly the same. Or perhaps I forgot what it felt like before...either way... I'm happy it's 2009.

2009 the year I dropped the ball on making resolutions... it sounds good already.