Weekend Perspective

I have officially worked my last weekend before maternity leave. This weekend I get to stay home with my Laylabug, eat sausage & pancakes, visit yardsales and watch G rated movies. I am SOOO excited.

I happened to have last Wednesday off and Layla literally walked me to the pantry, had me get down the pancake mix and then told me what to do for 4 minutes until it became evident that our weekend tradition of pancakes while Daddy sleeps in is just a few months from her being able to do it all by herself. If she could tell the difference between the 1/2 cup and the 1/4 cup I could wait in the living room until the hot stove part.

Moments like that make me excited, I'm building traditions. I like the thought of Layla and I having our weekend traditions. It makes me remember the traditions of my childhood. My mom and I had taters and eggs when Dad was gone for deer season. My Grandma Gerty used to let us help her make biscuits and gravy on Sunday mornings while the coffee perked away on the counter.

I also love that she's learning. I mean sure 2 scoops of mix plus 3 scoops of water and then mix isn't rocket science but she's TWO so it's amazing as far as I am concerned. Or maybe I'm just excited that she likes to hang out with me in the kitchen and that she talks about "cowk-king" (cooking) with mommy like it's the most fun thing ever. After all, it's nice to share the things you love with your kids.

I can't wait until she's old enough to help chop, measure, stir and simmer with me. Then I can get started on that what if list an teach her a recipe or two from my old weekend traditions.

What if I...

1. travel to europe with my kids & husband to take cheesy pictures in front of famous places in history
2. take a vacation to mexico without the kids & drink too much and eat tacos by the sand with my husband
3. host a girls event monthly at my house (book club, recipe group, bunco?) where people can laugh & enjoy each others company
4. taught my daughters every family recipe I know so that someday they can teach their daughters
5. went camping in big trees with my hippie friends and played cards next to the fire well into the night while talking about ghosts and the good life
6. hosted a catered big event for my family to have just as a family reunion once a year at someplace local so everyone would come
7. created a piece of artwork I was so proud of that I hung it in my livingroom and smiled whenever I thought of it
8. owned my own home where my kids hung out and swam in a pool in the backyard while my husband bbq'd and I fiddled with the garden in the summer
9. understood my relationship with God well enough to explain it to someone else who might need to hear about it to be able to start their own relationship with God
10. viewed my life skills and spiritual gifts more as an opportunity to do something AMAZING and less as a trial of endurance
11. finished writing my book, even if it isn't published wouldn't it be cool to say it was done and that I know how the story ends
12. danced in the rain like no one was watching even if everyone was watching because I really didn't care
13. found a job that I could enjoy enough to spend the rest of my life doing it and if that job also happened to pay a respectable amount of money...that would be an even better what if
14. my family traveled to every state so my kids could see all the cultures that exist just within their own culture
15. taught my children to love themselves, to be confident with the skills God gave them, and to be content with an every changing life
16. I made the world a better place for just one person
17. had a home that became the sort of place people went when they wanted to be somewhere because they felt loved well and welcomed as soon as they entered the door
18. saw the world both in it's beauty but also in it's places of deep need...from the beauty of Australia to the slums of Africa and everywhere inbetween
19. could get together regularly with my favorite people and play games, eat good food and laugh at the world around us

This post is a work in progress and will often be republished/updated/edited when I feel it needs to be. It is based on the post below. Thanks!

I once made a list of 40 things to do before I was 40 because it was all the rage at the time and I had nothing better to do with my spare time...

Thing is...

I'm almost 31 now.

In 2006, forty seemed like this far off and distant place that I had all the time in the world to get to. Now forty seems a hop skip and a jump after dinner gets done tonight. Time flies when you have kids...and priorities change.

Some of the other bloggers out there have been making "bucket lists" like in that movie... a list of things to do before you die (sounds morbid).

Thing is...

I know I'd wait until the last minute to do it... I'm a procrastinator like that. You'd find me on my death bed with a web page up trying to figure out if there was anything I could knock off the list without hurting myself.

So...

What to do? What to do?

I want to make a list... but not a list before I'm 40 or a list before I die not a to do list for life... more of an "if I had time" or "wouldn't it be bitchin if" list.

So I was talking to a girlfriend about getting older, growing up, trying out life in the hardest circumstances and about how much I miss margaritas when I am preggo and I happened to call it my "what if list".

People give what if such a negative vibe. But really, what if is just another statement of hope if you spin it the right way.

What if I did some stuff if the opportunity ever presented itself... wouldn't that be bitchin?

So I am going to work on a what if list... who's with me?

Wishful Thinkin'

There is an overwhelming urge to have everything ready at this point in my pregnancy and while I know I won't have bills paid off or money saved up I'd at least like to know that I have a stack of diapers to last awhile and some pacifiers and bottles if I need them.

It's about a week and a half until my baby shower so in the meantime I am trying to entertain my nervous energy by prepping the things I do have. All the baby clothing is clean (what we own) and in Anyah's dresser. Jon put up the crib this week as a suprise and today I put her bedding in her bed. Jon pulled the carseat out of the dark corners of Layla's closet and made sure it was on the smallest setting and then I put the little baby head liner in it for Anyah.

I am not allowing myself to look at my registry at this point, even if I add something new I tell myself I am not allowed to look. Mainly, I am not looking because I know the list of invites to my shower was very small (only people I really wanted to see/share Anyah's celebration with) and I also know that RSVP's aren't due until the 10th and at this point there have only been a few of them... so I don't want to look and PANIC because I'm sort of prone to panic in both it's smaller case and ALL CAPITAL LETTERS forms.

This weekend I am going to distract myself with trying to figure out what goes in Layla's Easter basket this year. I'm hoping after last years 3 basket holiday that this year I will be the only person making an actual basket and anyone else will pass on the tiny containers of candy because I am sort of looking forward to not having to pry chocolate away from my toddlers death grip... I can dream.

My mother will be hosting our Easter at my Pop's house. We're gonna hide eggs in the grass and eat BBQ. I'll be 9 months pregnant and I am over joyed at taking that one worry off my list.

Other none important but still worry inducing things I am currently wasting time thinking about too much...

Pop's crazy wife is in the hospital (which is actually good news because she was being ill/hurt and crazy melodramatic at his house and it was gonna kill him and result in my mom going to jail for smothering an old crazy woman with a pillow in her sleep).

My birthday is coming and I am not entirely sure the people I asked to hang out with will actually have the time for me (irrational, no?) and I am not sure what to do about spending time with family etc because I know everyone is broke but it's still my birthday, yo.

This is the joy of pregnancy hormones... you know it's crazy... but you still worry about nothing.

Just think...I'm 31 weeks...at 36 and a half weeks we had a date to induce Layla.

Gosh this time went a lot faster...

Puckered

I hear the pitter patter of tiny (giant) toddler feet across tile and before I can get out the "be careful" there is the unmistakable sound of the safe-at-second-base-slide across the tile. The thud that follows is probably a tiny little person bouncing bum first off the floor. She pauses for a second before she cries and I know what's next before I round the corner.

There are 3 stages on the scale of toddler owie.

Stage 1 is the brush it off stage and usually involves doing something silly that involves bonking your head or stubbing a body part that is easily laughed about or brushed off. These are cured (in Layla's case) with physically pretending to brush it away.

Stage 2 is the kiss it away stage. Kiss it owies usually involve stepping on something pain full, small cuts and scratches and bumps hard enough to knock your wind out but not so hard to leave a bruise. These are cured (in Layla's case) with mommy puckering up and kissing toes, fingers or knees that are then magically cured by love.

Stage 3 is the medical intervention needed owie. These can't be cured by human hands...you've got to cry it out while Mommy and Daddy decide between band-aids, tylenol and runs to the same day care. These are rare (in Layla's case) most of them are eventually ended by a distraction of sugar/movie and actual medical attention.

We were flat in stage 2 when the head hit tile though. I could tell by the type of cry. It's the embarrassed with a side of mild pain cry that all moms can detect from anywhere within 50 ft as a sign they are about to pucker up to something.

I kissed her head and her feet (because they had wounded pride I guess) and then we made dinner.

If only I could always cure what ails her so easily... if only my touch and my lips could heal her forever...magically.

Sta

My poor mom and husband

So as with last time it's nearing the end of my pregnancy and I have a lot of anxiety and I'm still high risk... the result of which is that other people are shouldering responsibilties that normally I take care of. My mom, of her own accord, ends up here several times a week when she isn't even watching Layla doing things like bathtime help or dishes occassionally just to give me reprieve. Jon is setting up cribs when I am not looking and keeping the house work under control when I get overwhelmed.

And while we're all counting down to meet Anyah, I think part of that count down is for some of us to just be able to stop worrying... at least for me.

Now my grandfather's wife has taken a turn for the worse at 78 years old and her family is all in TX so mom's burden doubled with having to help them whenever she isn't helping me.

I feel pretty crappy about it. So I guess this is a prayer request for those of us stuck in stressville...that we all make it out alive.

Nannie Day Care

So after laying out the rules I waited for my mom (a.k.a. Nannie day care) to throw down a giant "oh hell no!" but she didn't so far she's been a trouper about trying out the things we're doing. The result, 1 week in, is that Layla is already more calm and acting more like her old self.

It's a balancing act. Nannie fun time, Mommy fun time, Daddy fun time all balanced against baths, hair brushing, lunches and naps. Good stuff.

Plus I knew if Nannie was on board it would help tons. After all, Layla worships Nannie most of the time. I think if Nannie had a puppy I'd never see my daughter at all. There are worse things that can happen to a child then spending all day most days wrapped in Nannie love, right?

Dates

So if you read my facebook you know that today I got the email from WebMD that says "welcome to your 8th month new mommy" and then I hyperventilated right there with my laptop on my lap. They jumped the gun... I have 4 days left dang it!

After my "oh my god I'm not ready panic" cleared up I went to work which would have been highly boring except right before my lunch break I got a text from my mom asking me to meet her and Laylabug at McDonald's for a suprise lunch date.

Lunch was yummy... Layla got to play when it was time for me to go back to work and Mom took a picture for me. Isn't she cute?

In the last week Layla's vocabulary has improved dramatically. her annunciation is getting much better and since we've cut back the whining by going back on the schedule she's been much easier to communicate with. Maybe this 2 kids at once thing won't actually kill me...maybe...

Rounding Out

When I was pregnant with Layla I lost a TON of weight but I put most of it back in the course of the 3rd trimester. When the pregnancy was over I was a lot smaller than I started very quickly and I stayed that way for awhile. Eventually though, I lost a job and then another baby and being the stress eater that I am...well... I rounded out a bit.

This time I started off my pregnancy on the heavier side of my normal weight flux. I then proceeded to lose almost 27 lbs in the first half of my pregnancy. Even with the 4 lbs I put back on. I'm still 23 lbs lighter than I started. That means my "maternity" clothes are clothes that I have pretty much always had. I still wear the same size of pants and finally at almost 8 months along I don't have to wear a belt anymore to keep them up. *yes I had to wear a belt around my baby belly for several months*

I know you've all heard this before. The thing is now that I am VERY pregnant looking...Anyah sits so high that I can still wear my pants but my shirts look totally wrong so I had to get a few dresses and I broke out 2 old maternity shirts from last time.

The thing is... I don't know what to pack for the hospital. I mean if I drop weight like I did with Layla from labor... I don't have any pants small enough to wear home and wearing a dress while recovering from a c-section might be a little akward.

Any advise?

To Do List Living

I hate being one of those people who has a to do list a mile long but I guess it's a nesting thing. I'm 31 days from my 31st birthday and while the whole month before my 30th birthday I was counting down and making plans this transition from 30 to 30-something is pretty uneventful. Maybe a birthday lunch with a girlfriend or dinner with friends this year would be awesome. Mainly, I'm really pregnant. I feel huge and I don't want to have to work on anything that doesn't require work.

The things that do require work those are requiring lists otherwise I worry about getting them done. Or worse yet, sometimes I forget to do things all-together. So at the moment I'm all about the dreaded list.

I have a list of lists in my purse. Then I have the actual lists themselves.

I'm a 7 step program away from being a list-a-holic.

Send intervention.

Pajama Dancing

Layla is watching Minnie's Bow-tique (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD) for the 2nd time in a row this morning. Her "pajama dance" is about the cutest tiny butt shaking I've ever seen. The first time she watched it I was in bed so I figure it doesn't count...now I'm letting her watch it once with me.

Jon let me sleep in this morning and when I got up he had made cinnamon rolls, so the house smelt yummy. He went back to bed a bit ago to catch some sleep he's lost this week and when he wakes up I'm going to try and get him to help me with some nesting projects. Our house is a mess.

Now that it's almost my baby shower and my maternity leave paperwork is filled out and the c-section is scheduled with a pre-op arranged... I suddenly feel like I have NOTHING ready. I don't have a hospital bag. I don't have a diaper bag. I don't have a crib set up or the dresser where I want it. Layla isn't ready.

I'm 30 weeks along (give or take) and the only thing that's where it's supposed to be at this point is the giant baby belly that is going to get in my way while I try and nest today. There is something about having a 2 year old that keeps you from ever being able to keep anything organized. I don't know how people do it.

I clean up something, then her nap ends and 5 minutes later you can't even tell I had ever cleaned it up in the first place.

Last night I had a nightmare that I came home from the hospital from having Anyah and Mom had been watching Layla at the house and the whole place was destroyed and I had to clean 3 days post op. I know it's just that little voice in the back of my head whispering "you can't handle this" and it has me dancing with anxiety...which is not nearly as cute as the pajama dance.

rock star but not a diva

The excellent and peaceful progress of our toddler haulted some time after Christmas. We went from pee in the potty in the morning, happy play most of the day, nap without fuss, good eating and great sleeping (in our bed- that happened in early December) to chaos. Absolute-flippin-chaos.

Part of it is that Mommy is pregnant, tired and had been sick so she wasn't being as hard core of a "right is right and wrong is wrong" Mommy as she used to be. Part of it was Daddy picking up Mommy's slack, trying to keep me in one piece and suddenly getting more hours at work. Part of it was every one is sick and Layla cut her toddler molars. Part of it was that Nannie was watching Layla more and more and Nannie is a sucker...and not just any sucker but one of those giant swirly ones you can only get at theme parks. (love you mom...really...)

So in 2 months we've gone from calm and well behaved 95 % of the time to 80% of the time. While that's still less drama then some other kids I know... it's driving me CRAZY. Soon they are going to have to lock me in a padded room and feed me nothing but jell-o...that kind of crazy.

After the 2 hour plus fit over the toddler wanting to be the boss of us earlier this week there was a line in the sand at our house...a BIG line... it might be a fault line. I'm just saying.

Thusly...now there are rules. Some of them are rules we had before that just have to get reinforced. some of them are new rules that Mommy and Daddy decided life would be better with. It boils down to seven life skill type rules I think every kid needs to have.


1. The toddler is not the boss of us. (Alternately titled-respect your elders and for the love of GOD stop whining and screaming)

2. Follow the daily routine (Layla was doing so well when things always went in the same order with the same rules every day)

3. Clean up after yourself. (New rule- new era...with a baby coming I could use a tiny helper)

4. Eat Smart. (Old rule, long since forgotten by every single person in this house who is EXHAUSTED which I think is all of us)

5. Praise happy toddlers! (I used to hear a lot more praise and a lot less *NO STOP* *LAYLA GRACE* *ONE....two...THREE* and this rule was created because I think it's the first step in having a child behave well is to treat them like they are good when they are good)

6. Learning is fun. (Layla thrives at some things and struggles with others so this will be about focusing time on the things that matter most)

7. Mommy and Daddy get the final veto. (this is a lot like rule #1 but involves getting active support from the Grandparents because sometimes the tiny rules that grandparents break haunt us FOREVER or so it appears)

So why am I posting this here? Well mostly to hold myself accountable. I also sent a copy to my mom (so she can work with us) and I am printing a few out to post up around my house to keep Jon, Nannie and I focused on the daily aspect of going back to the land of calm.

The printout is much more detailed and each rule is a paragraph long with explainations but I didn't want to bore the internet with that...

So ask me how we did in a month would you?

Just counting down

20 days until my baby shower

35 days until my birthday

42 days until Layla gets to hunt Easter eggs at Nannie's house

64 days until I go out on maternity leave

72 days until Layla gets a little sister & Anyah has a BIRTH day

Nothing to see here

Today was a long day. I got up early, went to work, worked a full day, met with the HR person at work to go over pre-leave of absense info, came home and called the supplemental short term disability people to get some more paperwork for maternity leave, went to target and completed the baby registry while Jon dealt with a non-cooperational toddler, ate dinner, took a shower, got layla to bed with Jon's help...and then the heartburn kicked in.

So now I'm up and staring at a blurry computer screen while Jon watches Supernatural and wishing I was asleep. I hate it when that happens.

*sigh*

A Day Like Today

We woke up to sunshine through the window in the bedroom and cuddled through one book, 3 songs and about 15 minutes of poking a pregnant woman and telling her to get up!

We ate eggs and drank apple juice while watching Sesame Street (again)

There was a trip to the store and McDonald's for lunch.

We played with the screen door open and she yelled at the lawn service people telling them they did a "good job".

Naptime took longer than expected and then lasted longer than normal.

Then there was more playing and yelling "ta-da!" and shooting Mommy with a penguin happy meal toy while dinner was in the oven.

There was t-shirts and jeans, hear in buns, pictures to post on blogs and even a little dancing to the radio.

Today is what happens when you plan ahead and then the plan gets blown away.

Sometimes Daddy comes home sick, sometimes the baby cries in the grocery store, sometimes Mommy pulls a muscle getting out of the car, and sometimes... it's still a good day anyhow.

Marching Along

I swear that February didn't really happen. Last time I checked it was January and then today I look at the calendar and February is almost gone. Time flies when you've got a job, husband, toddler and baby on the way.

I literally had an OBGYN appointment and Valentine's day both sneak up on me while I wasn't looking. It's ok, I've got my eye on Easter so at least when April arrives I should be prepared for that one. But, between now and then we've got all sorts of things on the calendar.

March brings my baby shower, my co-worker/work baby shower, my birthday (along with a few other birthdays) and St. Patrick's Day (oh green beer, I will miss you).

Speaking of my birthday. I recently got a request for gift ideas. So um...

Old Navy Giftcards for clothing to be purchased after Anyah comes. I'm already down almost 2 pant sizes without giving birth...so I know I'll need new pants at the very least once the baby comes.

NCIS or Gilmore Girl seasons on DVD. We don't have cable and I'm about to be home ALOT.

Some spa time, I could definitely use a hair color touch up, a pedicure, and an eyebrow wax before I have a baby and people start taking my picture a lot.

Gift cards for places to go eat. The more pregnant I get the less I want to cook.

How pathetic is that list? Very. But the truth is... I have a wonderful daughter and a wonderful daughter on the way and my focus is on the little things.

My Paper Gown Visit

So people following along on facebook already heard that today I had an OBGYN check-up. Due to some high blood pressure and some bizarre hip pain, I got the paper gown treatment.

The result is we now know I'm a little dialated (1 to 1 1/2 inches) and that I have a date for my C-section.

We're looking at May 6th... exceptions of course would be if Anyah decides she'd like to make a natural arrival earlier (in which case we'll have an emergency c-section with no notice) or the date could move up 1 more week if my blood pressure gets worse or we have another complication.

But May 6th... at the latest.

Also, due to high blood pressure concerns my OBGYN thinks it would be best to pull me out of work at 36 weeks. That means I have less than 8 weeks of work left.

Not that I am excited about the loss of income, but I am totally excited about having a little time at home with Layla before Anyah comes, time I can spend mostly in my PJ's...which is also a huge perk.

It was a nice way to end the Tuesday that was my Monday this week. Due to President's Day weekend today was a nightmare at work. It was nice to come home and eat lasagna with my daughter and my hubby while day dreaming about ten new tiny toes.

Of Presidents and Children's Cold Medicine

Two days off in a row.... yessss!! I was excited. Visions of sorting baby clothes, cleaning up messes in my kitchen and rounding out my baby registry at the Target danced through my head. There might even be play time at the park, I thought oh so gleefully. But, that was 2 days ago.

For Valentine's Day my love bug got a cold bug. Yummy. Snot galore. There was lots of whining. We lived. That was my first day off.

Today, she woke up with a cough and a bad mood to match. Eventually, we reached a content toddler level ground but it was HOURS after we got out of bed. She's still in her pjs.

Thanks to my mom stopping by yesterday morning I did manage to sort some baby clothing. I never did make it to Target though.

Yesterday afternoon we had visits from George (Layla's Godfather) and Papa Glen and Teri to see Layla for Valentine's day. Papa and Teri stayed for dinner.

This morning I managed to catch up the dishes. Ironically, last night Teri started doing dishes and I never went to see what she was doing. She ended up rewashing some clean dishes that were still in the dishwasher with the dirty ones from dinner. (In her defense our dishwasher sucks so a few of the dishes probably didn't look clean which always makes one leary)

Jon works this evening and my work week picks back up bright and early tomorrow morning when Tuesday will have the displeasure of being the new Monday.

Well at least I didn't have to use my 1 accrued sick day to take care of my daughter.

International Florist Awareness Day

Single people hate it. Dating couples plan for it. Married people learn that it doesn't matter. Little kids can't wait for the red wrapped candy. Florists wait all year for a chance to celebrate it.

Love

It doesn't require a florist, chocolates in a heart shaped box or a red/pink outfit.

It doesn't ask you to spend your money, your time, or your hard earned happiness on searching out that last.perfect.wonderful. item that you didn't know you needed to get until you saw it.

Love is moments

And I assure you they aren't the planned ones.

So hug a florist if you want to. Get a hallmark card. Buy some chocolates. Make a date.

Because when love finds you, it won't be because the day had a heart around it on your calender.

And that's coming from someone who kissed her husband for the first time on valentine's day. Because what was love then... well it can't even add up to what love is like now that we've had thousands of moments to cultivate it.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love to love you

Ree over at Pioneer Woman (whose food blog I have read religiously forever and a day and yet do not know in real life) has a list of things she loves on her blog. I loved the idea. So I'm stealing it... Feel free to hop over to her list and check it out/add to it.

Here is mine.

I love....

new flavors
dove milk chocolate
baby feet
watching anyah roll around in my tummy
the way my toddler says the word sorry
my borderline hippie husband
snorting laughter
pedicures i don't have to pay for
good books
road trips
pepsi with lots of ice
music that makes you want to move
squishy soft bedroom pillows
girlfriends who understand what you mean when you say the wrong thing
board games
the sound of a baby singing herself to sleep
visits from friends
my dad's laugh
the way having your mommy around makes you feel safer even if you're not
stories that are still funny the 3rd time you hear them
co-sleeping in the family bed
the smell of new baby and dreft detergent
getting saucey
pink laptops
chocolate mice from the local bakery
bubble baths
toddlers who aren't scared of anything
chicken tacos
new shoes
jeans that fit
MAC N5 studio fix concealer
family traditions
pajama days
the way my wedding ring has made a perminent indentation in my finger
christmas morning
cursing
baked potato soup
when my husband and I talk all witty and sarcastic to each other
rainy days
movie nights
when layla pretends to be a puppy
singing along with the radio
margaritas at midnight
festivals and fairs
faeries
my imagination
making lists
you
and you....

I'll add more later... I can think of thousands of things...this is fun and uplifting, you should try it.

I heart you.

Oh internet, how I have missed you. Granted, without you in my life the dishes actually get done in a timely fashion (wait mom did those for me)...nevermind.

This week has been totally random. We had the internet drama. We had the teething toddler that gave herself an asthma attack yesterday in a chinese food restaraunt and then purged her dinner all over the floor. We've had the unborn child who only moves at 2 a.m. making it impossible to sleep.

Valentine's day is quickly approaching, which matters if you like that whole flowers, chocolate, excuse to go to dinner thing. We don't. We might go to dinner some time in the next week or so but it's because we like to eat and we have had some adult time lately and Jon and I like it.

I bought cupcakes. Happy heart day. Take it or leave it.

I don't need a holiday of spending beyond my budget to know Jon loves me. He takes out the trash and tucks Layla into bed every night after he puts her into pajamas and that's enough for me.

AT&T I have 2 words for you

Suck it!

Internet and posting will be down here for awhile because when AT&T makes a mistake they make you wait a week while they fix it. How's that for customer service you tell your friends about?

Is it comcast time in the 209 yet?

What's that?

Ahh the sounds of Monday. Alarm clocks. Work emergency line buzzers. Little girls who talk too fast to be understood. Dinner dishes clanging. Husbands clicking their crops to harvest on Farmville.

Welcome to the week.

Enjoy.

The Cycle of Mornings

Most mornings I get up in the cloak of darkness, stumble to the bathroom and get ready for work while making as little noise as possible. Then I make my way downstairs in the dark and turn on the kitchen light while I try to talk myself into making a lunch for work. When that's done I sit in my favorite chair and wait for it to be time to go to work. Sometimes if I work the later shift (on Saturdays) I throw into the mix entertaining Layla while she tries to mimic everything I do in the bathroom mirror and runs circles around me until Nannie shows up to watch her.

Exceptions to this are my days off. The first day off every week is usually spent trying to reclaim my house. The upside to free childcare is that it's free. The downside is it takes place in your home and because you're not paying for it you can't exactly say...excuse me can you please start picking up after yourselves. So most weeks by Saturday/Sunday my house is a mess. Jon and I both do damage control during the week but a once a week overhaul is usually necessary. I also do baby laundry and at least 2 loads of dishes. Dishes are something that I loathe.

I usually try and make a real breakfast for Layla on my day off. Eggs and sausage or pancakes and sausage are our favorites. I attempt to spent a little time actually playing with my kid (today we busted out the chalkboard already). We watch movies while we eat and usually as a result of picking up and trying to get things done I nap when she naps.

The first day off doesn't really feel like a day off. That's actually my "issue" with the way my work does weekend rotation. On my weekends off I get 2 days in a row (Saturday and Sunday) but on my weekends on I get split days off (Sunday and Wednesday). Usually with my day off during the week I end up scheduling appointments and so those days stay pretty busy. My catch up day ends up being Sunday and I end up feeling like I had no days off. I usually don't get to sleep in at all on my 4 weeks without Saturdays and I can't exactly catch up with my friends when I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Don't get me wrong. I'm greatful to have a job, especially one with good insurance since I have a baby on the way. I just wish everyone always got 2 days off in a row. I think it would increase our rest and help us to help the people we're working with better. But that's just me.

As I sit here thinking about how much I feel like I never have time to rest I wonder how much moer complicated my life is about to get. Soon there will be a baby in this mix. Spiritually that is exhausting for me to think about. I feel stretched thin already, I don't know how much farther I can pull. Today I woke up cranky and then the morning was rough and I can't imagine having this bad of a morning while breastfeeding an infant every few hours.

Egads, what did I get myself into.

Saturday's on the rocks

The first Saturday you work in a rotation is always the hardest. It's hard to leave your toddler as they cry because normally this is the day you hang out and watch movies and do crafts. It's hard to start work an hour later and to stay at work an hour later as a result. It's hard to put up with cranky people and the generally unfun to help when you know you could be home in your pajamas instead.

The hardest part of Saturday for me is the fact that I usually get home AT dinnertime and I have to rush from work to making the toddler something to eat and as soon as she's eaten she's all full of energy and I'm ready for a nap.

I'm cranky and she's acting like she's on crack. I feel bad for Jon.

Wonky Perspective

I feel like I have been pregnant FOREVER. On the opposite side of the spectrum, up until today I felt like I was going to continue being pregnant FOREVER. Isn't April like 990 years away? I thought so.

There is another girl at work that is also pregnant. Her due date is about a week after mine. Today she sends me an email that says "isn't it hard to believe that in about 10 weeks we'll probably be out on maternity leave?"What??

I grab the calendar, in my that can't be right smugness and I count the weeks. Holy crap! Assuming I don't work past 37 weeks (most people don't) I have less than 10 weeks left. Um... someone start the bat signal we're gonna need a super hero.

Ten weeks doesn't seem like enough time. I guess it was the pregnant belly that never really grew but I just feel like I am not even half way done and I'm almost 2/3's of the way done.

Guess I better actually send my baby shower invite list to the person giving me a shower NEXT MONTH. *sigh*

Time got away from me again.

And Away Life Goes

Today was an exceptionally weird day. I took a floating holiday from work so that I could go take a blood test to check on the status of Baby Anyah. I had an appointment at 8 a.m. at the local blood lab so I was totally cool when Layla woke up at 7 a.m. and then my mom ended up running late so I called and canceled my appointment and asked if I could come in as a walk-in. Sure.

So I turn up just before 9 a.m. to get my blood test and there is literally half an old folks home of elderly people in line in front of me. It smells bad in the lab when it's stuffed with people and the heater is running. I haven't eaten since yesterday because it's a fasting test. I get to the front and they let me know it's going to be about a 2 hour and 15 minute wait. Only to try and make it sound nice she says... it will probably be just before 11 a.m. if you want to go somewhere and come back. There is no way I can go to 11 a.m. and then an hour past that before eating. So I make an appointment for my day off next week and then call my OBGYN from the parking lot to explain my test results won't be there before my appointment next week if they want to reschedule me.

So I come home and we decide to go check out the new Hucklebee's in town. It was an ok breakfast but the place was adorable. Layla though went totally bipolar when we got there and alternated every 5 minutes between happy cute toddler and alligator tear crying, with a brief break to eat sausage. Longest 45 minutes of my life.

When we leave we go to the park where we ran into Layla's little friend North with his Grandma. We played at the park for awhile where I played with my daughter and my mom battled her new iPhone addiction by taking a ton of videos and occassionally stopping to play. Then we came home. Layla likes to play with Nannie in the car so they did that for awhile.

When Layla came in she wanted a snack and being as breakfast was late she just got the snack before naptime. I laid down with her just long enough for her to go to sleep then I got up and blogged pictures to the Bug & Bean blog. She woke up from her nap very hot (too many blankets) and aggitated. That can be cured with apple juice and sesamestreet.org video feed. Just saying.

After that Nannie came over to watch Layla and she brought her dinner. Jon and I snuck out to see Book of Eli. Easily the best movie I have ever seen. I love me an end of the world movie with suggestive adult themes and biblical faith. Yes. Yes I do.

Then it was fend for yourself in the pantry/freezer for a later dinner for Jon and I. While Layla watches Sesame Street on DVD I'll go take a shower and then I'll be off to bed so that tomorrow I can get up and go to work.

I work this Saturday which is always a pisser. But with the floating holiday at least I am not working 6 days straight. Silver lining officially noted. It's officially a case of normal parenthood and live in the middle class over here right now.

Wheeee

So I had planned an auto-post for Thursday and it posted itself on Wednesday but it didn't really matter because I was tired so I decided not to post something on Thursday. It's not like I HAVE to post every single day...I just like to.

Thursday was an exceptionally long day. I was an emotional mess (it's a pregnant lady thing), we had a couple unexpected obstacles in our day. I came home with swollen feet and someone else's take and bake pizza (it's a long unpleasant story). Needless to say I went to bed pretty early to see if I could lay my grump to rest.

Friday was an equally long work day but when I got home Layla was still at Nannie's and Jon had made me a nice warm bath in a room with candles (yummy). After my bath I laid on the bed a bit and looked pathetic. Then Layla came home and right as I was deciding what to make for dinner we got a call from a friend and we actually went out. Gasp! I know.

Nannie was nice enough to come back and take Layla with her back to her house again. We picked Layla up just after 8 and all the time in the middle was spent laughing, eating and generally enjoying being around other adults. It was AMAZING!

Being as Layla went to bed late (when we got home) she was nice enough to sleep in until 8 today. We're only an hour into our pajama day and that suits me fine. I didn't even mind it much when she stole my cereal bowl this morning.

Shaking things up

This week Jon closes a lot. In fact this post is set to show up on my blog on Thursday but I am writing it on Monday because that's the only night this week that Jon is home. He'll be home Friday night and so tomorrow the blog will be a "live" one.

The thing is, if you know you have a VERY active toddler and you know your darling husband isn't going to be around to rescue you from your swollen baby belly and swollen baby baking feet...well... you sort of have to plan ahead and yet still be willing to shake everything up and drop the plan.

Part of the plan is to make sure that the things that can be done in advance are done. On that list is bill paying, trips to the store and blogging...definitely blogging. That way the things you absolutely have to do...like making dinner and getting enough sleep that you don't pass out at work the next day will have time to spare.

So sorry for the filler blog...but something had to give.

Baby Bean (Anyah) Update

Don't look down...belly view from my perspective at 26 weeks...

My pregnancy with Layla was on the edge of your seat scary. The result was I talked about it ALOT. My pregnancy with Anyah started rough but is still less scary than the first time around so I find that I blog about it a lot less. I mean with Layla there were like 5 or 6 sonograms and several blood tests and I saw my OBGYN more than I saw my parents. With Anyah we're going to be solid with 3 ultrasounds, several blood tests and I only see my OBGYN about once a month.

On my last visit he accidently dropped the bomb that I did test positive for/have pneumonia back at Christmas. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want me to panic. It does explain the day I took a blood test and was then called at work and told to go home immediately and stay there for a week. It also explains the extra long time spent checking for fetal heartbeat at my last visit and making sure Anyah was ok. But, the lung funk is gone now (thank the lord) and all and all it's just baking baby busy over here.

Anyah recently discovered she can torment me in the middle of the night by kicking Layla when she feels her touching me. That's fun. Yesterday I put Layla's hand on my belly and let her feel Anyah kicking. Layla freaked out, she won't touch my belly now...also fun.

This pregnancy is different than last time. At this point I have finally put on 2 lbs which puts me a solid 23 lbs (give or take) below my weight when I started, but we're not done yet. We're at 26/27 weeks (depending on who you ask) and while that feels like "almost done" I remember from last time that it really drags at the end. I personally don't feel like I look like I've lost weight but the pants I bought Jon's birthday weekend that were a little tight...well...now they fall off when I walk upstairs if I am not holding them and I am 6 months pregnant...so...um... I guess at least I must be a different shape.

Occassionally I get the heartburn, but not like last time. This time I get more leg and toe cramps. Totally managable. But, the main difference is that with Layla I didn't get a stretch mark until the end of my pregnancy and then I got 3...exactly 3. This time I look like a zebra. The funny part is that according to the Dr I have more this time because I was a big girl and then I lost weight (so my skin shrunk) and then I changed shape (without gaining but with lots of stretching) and now I'm tight in the tummy section. I sorta wonder what that will look like when there isn't someone occupying my tummy.

And that...is the status of that...

Papa's Birthday!

Both of Layla's Papa's have a birthday in January in the same week. One of them was off being a sixth grade camp advisor (he's a teacher) so he just got a few texts from us and we'll have to see him later. The other Papa...Papa Glen (Allie's Dad) came over here for dinner on his birthday.

Layla insisted on helping make him dinner. She was in charge of salad toppings. She did the sprinkling of chopped produce and assisted with the pouring of salad dressing.

Happy Birthday Papa...hope you liked your home cooked meal!

Wheezies

Starting in December, Jon and I noticed (too often for our comfort) that Layla would start to wheeze after playing. Then for awhile the wheezing seemed to die down. At the end of December (Christmas time) we had a few nights where Layla would be lying in bed, wake up wheezing, cough once or twice and vomit all over the place. Mommy thought it was a bug or all the junk kids eat at the holidays. We modified her diet. But the wheezing stayed for awhile. Then it sort of faded away. In mid January it came back, only by mid January Jon and I started to notice the wheezing was directly related to days we did things with other people. Once in January before bedtime Layla had such a hard time breathing (while sitting) that she was literally gasping. It freaked us out enough that we went from "it's an allergy thing" to "maybe she needs to see the Dr". It took me a little while to react because people kept telling me it was no big deal when I reacted to allergies in the past and I really wasn't ready to pick another family battle over it. But after the gasping night, I decided I loved my kid too much to be willing for even occassional wheezies.

Today had an asthma evaluation. Our Dr ran a set of tests, then he did them again after exercise (mild wheezing) then he exposed her to cat dander (via a scratch test) and had her do it a third time (BINGO!). He turned looked at me and said it's asthma, it's from her cat allergy and she's going to have this for the rest of her life.

I may or may not have cried. I also may have said something along the lines of "I told them so". A progressive allergy, that's what we've got. Jon has a cousin who's daughter has the same problem. While we were there we did a few more scratch tests. It's still just cats. He says it probably always will be but we'll test her again before kindergarden just to be safe.

It's a life of inhalers in purses, liquid albuterol for rescue and medication we take every single day. The daily med will not prevent a cat allergy and I was specifically told we should be avoiding cats and sources of cat dander AT ALL COSTS. It makes her sick. It is not ok. The medication will however help with situations (like church, the library or the park) where there might be people you're not necessarily interacting with who still have dander on them and it's affecting your breathing. It will not cure itchy, uncomfortable cat rashes or hives. It will not help with snot. It's just to regulate her ability to breath when allergens are present.

While it breaks my heart that my baby girl is being medicated. It breaks my heart more that the main reason she has to be medicated is because people don't take allergies seriously and no one listens when mom's say they know their kids. It is your choice to pick an option where you have a cat, it just won't be one with a lot of interaction with us. We'll miss seeing you often. But, a mother knows.

I know my kid.

I also know that because of my kid I am going to become "that mom" and it's not going to be pretty because oxygen is important.

Cocky is Genetic

Otherwise titled as "Yes I know how she got this way" or "I wouldn't have it any other way"

I told her to "be careful" she told me to "close my eyes"

I went to the garage and came back to find the child who was supposed to be napping in the bathroom using her step stool to get Daddy's beard trimmer which she was using to pretend to shave her knuckles (daddy does that)

Not too long ago she was telling Jon a story and he wasn't listening so she gave him a "wait wait wait" with her hand out in front of her and when that didn't work she said "LISTEN"

Yesterday I went pee and usually she follows me but she didn't so I knew I was in trouble. I came out of the bathroom to find that she had moved her giraffe (on wheels) next to her DVD shelf and used it to climb on to the top of the shelf which she was now standing on to reach my pepsi (on top of the upright piano). When I asked her "what do you think you are doing" she looked me dead in the eye and said "I thirsty" *sigh*

She has a smile that I've never been lucky enough to catch on camera. I call it her Jeromy smile because it is exactly like the one he made for the exact same reason. It is equal parts something wicked this way comes, I know something you don't know, and boy-I hope I get away with this but even if I don't it's probably worth it. It is the smile you get before she does a somersault off the stairs, or just as she pours water on the floor outside the bathtub to splash your feet. I image it was the smile on her face as she climbed up to my pepsi and I know it's the one right before she steals my last piece of chocolate.

People will tell you that a lot of different things are great about being a parent. But I think the greatest thing about being this child's parent is that I never have to worry that she won't be confident. She'll always try something knew and she's not afraid to fall or fail.

People will tell you that a lot of things are awful about being a parent. I'd have to say for this kid the worst part is that she is confident beyond measure, it's in her blood...so I have to worry enough for the best of us.

What matters

It is not the words you use to express yourself. It is not the things you say. It is not what people hear when they listen to you. What matters most, is what your heart says when you listen to it.

It is not what you do. It is not what you choose to walk away from. It is not how you do things or how others think you should do things. What matters most, is the most is how your heat feels when you are doing the right thing.

It is not about the mistakes you will make. It is not about the victories you will celebrate. It is not the stories you will tell when you are older about the things you learned when you are young. What matters most, is knowing in your heart that you are always loved.

It is not the kisses you give. It is not the hearts you might break. It is not about the way you enter a room or exit a relationship. What matters most, is loving well in THIS moment.

January

I come home from work mid afternoon. My schedule starts early but ends earlier than most and for that I am grateful. Despite arriving home before the sun goes down I can feel the crisp air of winter on my face when I get out of the car. The garage is no match for the winter chill. Neither, it appears is the house because when I take off my shoes the tile in the kitchen is cold beneath my feet while I prep dinner. Eventually the rain starts up again outside while I rock in my chair and feel the baby roll about in my tummy. The toddler at my feet plays with a tiny tractor driving it up and down my leg and I eventually bend down to check that her bare feet aren't cool to the touch. It doesn't matter if they are, if I put slippers on her they will be off before the next scene change in the movie we are watching. I can't blame her. I don't have on slippers either.

Darkness comes early and I light a candle in hopes of burning the scent of dinner and a house constantly filled with people. The soft light flickers just visible outside the corner of my eye and I drift off in a momentary day dream.

I always wanted this. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted a home of my own filled with sounds of every day life blended with the pitter patter of tiny cold feet on the tile. But, I never once imagined it would be this all consumed with love. It is sometimes so much better then even my imagination could have tried to make it.

Of Storms and Obstacles

When it comes to adventure, Layla is pretty much fearless. She has that ability to look at something and think "oh well it can't be that bad" and then she just does it. There has never been a slide too high, a step too steep or a platform to high to jump from. She's a tumbler, a runner and a climber. She rarely falls and she never really panics.

But she is not fearless.

She fears the wind. Not when she can see it, though. She fears a wind that can be heard but not felt. If you take her out on a windy day she will run and spin and giggle. She turns her face to meet it head on and it tickles her soul.

But the wind at night, the wind outside the door in the storm and the wind on the TV have rendered episodes of her favorite shows unwatchable (that little bad wolf huffs and puffs and sends toddlers into tears). Last night the storm started with wind and rain outside the window and she tossed and turned all night. She hid her face. She clung to mommy. Now the storm has turned to thunder and lightening and she's back to being a brave little toddler, unless of course the wind blows...

in which case my lap can expect 28 lbs of flinging toddler fear.

Bug Racing

I'm pretty sure Layla has progressed from Allergy Induced Wheezing to Asthma. I made her an appointment to see our Doctor on the 25th. Lately, when people visit or we go somewhere that involves a cat I can count on wheezing and breathing hard for part of the evening. That doesn't scare me so much as when the visit takes place on a day where she's running around and playing outside. The other day she had a combo of those two things and she actually was gasping to breath while waiting with Daddy on the bed to get tucked in once Mommy had her jammies on. It was a sound I don't like to hear. It was the 4th time I've heard it lately. Time for a baby check. Asthma in kids with allergies is really common. Too common to make me comfortable.

I feel blessed that at least we're noticing things before they get so severe they can't be dealt with but I feel bad for the kid with the wheezies. Pray for us both as I try and figure out what this part of the path is going to end up looking like.

Fuel

Yesterday in a facebook comment another Mommy blogger friend of mine said she was delusional. Every time someone tells me they are delusional I say the same thing someone said to me almost 5 years ago.

"Delusions can be cured with good beer or bad company, choose the beer, the headache is shorter lived"

Witty no?

It's from back in a time in my life where it was not uncommon on a weeknight for a group of random people to get together for dinner and drinks after work. We were all single, we all had adult jobs, and we all liked to laugh and mock the "burdens" that life threw at us.

If I had known then, what I know now I would have taken more pictures and tried more mixed drinks. Now I'm lucky if I text a friend a couple times a week, phone calls are rare and dinner with drinks is like wish upon a star.

All grown up and suddenly thrust into a life with real responsibilities I take little glimpses of what I knew then and try to apply them but it's not the same. Not that I want it to be the same. I mean back then I didn't have Jon and Layla for whom which I would trade anything this world offers. But, if there was an option where I got to keep the loves of my life and still hang out once in awhile with a girlfriend without having to reschedule 5 times or where the people who used to come over just to eat dinner and a movie still thought we were cool enough to hang out with...well that would fuel my soul just as much now as it did then.

Tales from Crane Park

I've been toying with the idea that Layla doesn't get outside enough now that she's taking a break from Preschool. So in the past week she's had a playdate with Nannie at Pop's (the only place with grandparents without cats), Daddy took her to the park once and today was my turn to take her to the park.

When we go to the park normally we walk with the stroller but it was about 8:30 in the morning on a winter morning and it was supposed to rain today so we took the car. When we arrived at the park Layla started screaming "yahoo lets go!"

She ran to the playground by herself yelling back to me that I should "come on lets go" but we were the only people there so I trailed behind to see what she would do first. For almost the first full hour she played around by herself having me help occassionally and climbing around. We played peek a boo under the bridge and we chased each other around the playground.

After awhile a family with 3 kids showed up. The youngest child was about 3. No matter where Layla went, the littlest girl followed her. She literally imitated everything Layla did. I really wish I could have gotten a good picture of it but I didn't know the people and didn't want them to think some weirdo was taking pictures of their kid at the park.

If Layla climbed up something, the girl climbed up it. When Layla slide down something, the girl slid down it. That in itself not so annoying. If Layla crossed a toy, the other girl followed her. If she was jumping, there was a frog behind her. If she was running, she was being chased. When she clapped, she heard applause behind her. If she laughed, the girl laughed. When she fell and brushed herself off, the other girl pretended to fall and then brushed herself off. ECHO, ECHO!

The picture above is Layla climbing down a climbing wall on her bottom while the other girl waited to follow her. Layla hated it. She wanted the girl to go away. Normally she likes little kids but this kid wasn't "playing with her" she was just copying her.

So after awhile she literally came and stood at my feet and told the other girl to go away. At that point we did the swing thing for about another 30 to 45 minutes and when they left Layla asked to get down and decided we needed to go to.

Only, Layla wanted to go to Starbucks and get cocoa which she does sometimes with Daddy, so instead of going home we went and saw Daddy at work. It was a fun day and the rain started to trickle on the way home so I think we picked the perfect time to go.

Hopefully next time the toddler stalker won't be there.

Spiritually Exhausted

It was a hard year. You'd think that would be reason enough to say that I am spiritually exhausted...but... I actually think I'm exhausted from all the poor soul choices I've been making. We've been eating a lot of processed crap in the last 6 months because it's easier on the budget and fast to get done when the world is throwing obstacles at you every night after work. I haven't been spending good quality time with my friends. I haven't had the time and energy to write. Mostly, I've been in survival mode. That's a pathetic excuse.

I'm not saving enough or getting enough time out of my processed diet to make it worth feeling like a slug all the time. Last week I bought salad stuff and I took a salad to work 3 times. I was amazed by how much more alert I was in the afternoons when I had something fresh to eat instead of something I ran out and picked up or something reheated in the microwave.

So as previously mentioned in another blog. I am trying to eat more like I used to eat before the toddler/full time job/pregnancy trifecta took over. Last night I threw together some "all natural" noodles from a box (to keep the toddler happy), asparagus, and a small steak which Jon and I shared. Sure enough, this morning I woke up with more energy then all of last week.

I think it's time to break the costco freezer box habit. At least for me anyhow. We've already been curbing what we let other people feed Layla. I think we're ready for real soul food.

All washed up

this picture was taken the day layla got in the shower with me fully dressed

This has been an interesting week of nothing but every day life. It could not have been less entertaining in the Jeffery house if it tried. Tomorrow I am off. Originally I wanted Jon and I to take Layla to the snow but now I am equally as tempted to focus tomorrow on cleaning up my house because somehow in the last 5 days the only thing here that has been consistently cleaned up are the people who live here.

It's supposed to be actively snowing just over an hour from here. I do want to take Layla to the snow but I don't know that I want to take her there while snow is actively falling from the sky. That might be a little much.

Just in case we decide to do something fun I am charging camera batteries and making sure my cell phone has a full battery. I'm torn between which is more needed, a day to get into control or a day where I don't have to control anything.

The Week That Got Away

Monday after work I made dinner, ran an errand to the dollar tree, watched a toddler approved movie and went to bed early with Layla. Tuesday I made dinner, played with my daughter and helped my mom do some cell phone research before heading to bed with Layla...not so early. Today (Wednesday) after work, I made a crappy dinner, my dad came to visit and play with Layla, Jon ran to check on the dogs/house he is watching for a friend, I watched Wizard of Oz with Layla and I'm hoping to go to bed early.

It doesn't sound like a busy week but with the inability to go back to sleep after I get up to go pee every night, which is on the pregnant lady "must do" list... I am just beat. Dishes pile up and only get done when we're running out of options. Jon has been shouldering all the housework and laundry to-do list items that fall from my to-do list to my to-do someday list. He's been a trouper.

The truth is that this pregnancy I know some things I didn't know last time. I sleep when I can, I eat what tastes good and I don't stress out about making commitments because I know that when I come home with this new baby, chances are it's going to be just me, Jon and Layla and because I know that... I am savoring the time I have to be busy with one child before I am busy with two.

So while I could write a meaningful and inspiring blog right now...if I really wanted to. What I want to do is go help my toddler cut play-dough snakes into pieces and marvel at how much I love every second I am with her.

Nesting List

Every pregnant woman nests. I've started having the desire to nest but have yet to develop the energy to actually power nest like I need to. So here are the things on my list.

1. Go through the upstairs toys like I did the downstairs toys and purge toys that no-one needs or plays with.

2. Clean out the Harry Potter closet under the stairs because it has been over run with junk again

3. Actually clean, fold and put away the baby clothes I pulled out of tubs for Anyah.

4. Attempt to make calm from the cabinet chaos in my kitchen.

5. Have Jon clean the carpets

6. See if I can get Courtney to take one last family photo before there is a new baby and some pictures of my pregnant baby belly and frame them for the wall by the stairs.

7. Stock up the household goods that I will need when the baby comes.

That's the "nesting" list. I also have some life list stuff I'd like to do once more before I am a parent of two...

1. Take Layla to the snow (maybe next weekend)

2. Pay off the car

3. Make Layla comfortable with the concept of sleeping in her room. She doesn't have to sleep there unless she's comfortable and wants to (we're family bed hippies) but I don't like that she's been scared of her room at night for awhile now.

4. Dinner with George and Devon

5. A girls day with Jen

6. A road trip with just me and the hubby

Now if only I was working on these things instead of just making lists of them. It would be a lot more productive.

We're not a Toy Store

So I am looking across my living room floor and the words "lived in" don't describe it so much as "worked over by toddler cyclone". As of this morning, you would be hard pressed to make your way from any entrance into the room to any seat without stepping on something or narrowly missing something and almost killing yourself.

I've been toying with the idea of toy relocation for awhile now. The majority of Layla's toys have been taking residence in our common living areas because previously she's been too young to play upstairs unattended. Now that she's getting older and another baby will soon need to have some living room space of it's own...well... it's time for a migration north, or at least up the stairs.

Today while Layla napped I dumped every toy in the living room on to the floor. I took a small canvas tub and placed it in the corner and I started sorting. Most of her toys now live upstairs in the toy chest (which was relocated) her favorite toys now live in the corner. The downstairs toy population can be summed up as things a two year old can pick up and put away before bedtime which do not drive Mommy nutso.

The upstairs is now over populated with toys and at some point when I regain my energy and motivation there will have to be an upstairs overhaul. As it is I threw away a bag of junk toys today and I know there is more where that came from. Eventually, I'd like Layla's creative play to be uninterrupted by trying to dig things out of the bottom of a box. I'd also like to think that it would be easier for her to play if she could actually see and remember what she owns.

But, who am I kidding? This is really a post about how I am finally nesting and I really want to throw things away and the things that were first on that list are the ones that stab me in the feet on the way to the kitchen in the middle of the night.

Official notice- happy meal toys make me unhappy, dollar store and dollar bin stuff can be thrown away at a moments notice and I am no longer willing to keep every plastic dime store novelty that gets sent this way...plastic fishing pole with tiny candy canes that get stuck in the vacume... I'm looking at you.

Jumping Beans and Dancin' Queens

Two is a very active age. Since I got home from work I have been an active participant in at least 12 songs with hand motions. I have witnessed bouncing in mass quantities. I have supervised races against no one but herself in which my toddler always wins. I have counted 20 times jumping over the same toy while yelling jump. I have seen 3 almost somersaults and 2 up against a chair head stands. I have watched a movie. I have watched someone eat dinner while dancing in her chair. I have had my hair brushed by an amatuer. I have watched someone tiny steal someone else's chair 6 times. And, those are just the things I can remember.

I am exhausted.

The toddler on the other hand is still in the kitchen talking a mile a minute in her dad's general direction.

I slept 3 hours last night, let the pregnancy insomnia begin...and with it let the toddler get away with murder because I'm too tired to stop her.

8 o'clock can't come fast enough...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Splish Splash

I put in a movie known for it's child mind meld capabilities and set out a snack and juice. When she was fully sucked in I made my escape upstairs and turned on the shower. It took her less than 5 minutes to make her way upstairs and start talking to me through the clear shower curtain. It happens.

I continued my shower pretty unphased as she gathered some toys to play with on the bathroom floor. I was rinsing the shampoo from my hair when I heard the shower curtain open. "Don't put toys in the shower" I said eyes closed. Then the curtain closed. Just then I felt it.

Little hands on my thighs. I looked down to see my daughter who had already taken a bath and had her hair dried was standing fully clothed with socks on... IN MY SHOWER.

Sigh.

I scooped her back out and took off her wet socks. I laughed at her damp hair and I did a squeeze test to make sure her clothes weren't too wet to air dry.

I went back to my conditioner. The other side of the shower curtain opens. This time I turn with open eyes and say "No you stay out" just as she grabs and turns the tempurature nozzle. And then the scalding water washed over me and I did the oh god why me dance out of the way.

I now know why Scalding Splash Mountain was rejected by Disneyland, that ride just wasn't fun.

I manage to get the temp down to finish my shower. Of course, after the scalding death water I happened across the ideal water temperature. You know, the temperature where your pregnant body all goes ahhhhh and you could picture living in the bathtub FOREVER.

Forever was a lot shorter than I remembered it being. It lasted about 3 minutes before the shower curtain moved and I hit the water off...sometimes you just shouldn't keep pushing your luck.

69 cent opinion

I think I was an 8th grader the first time a stranger described me as fat to my face. Over the years it's been nothing new. Sometimes it's well meaning, sometimes it's rude, sometimes it's nothing but it happens often.

So far in this pregnancy I have lost 26 lbs and then I put 1 lb back on. So I am down 25 lbs. None of my clothing fits. My pants are too big and my shirts are too small. Anyah, not being shy about space sticks out as far as her sister did at this point, if not further.

Yesterday morning I had to go get gas before work. Not wanting to run out of gas before I actually got to the gas station I ended up at the Quik Mart at 6:30 in the morning. I went inside and grabbed a bag of chex mix (for later in the day) and headed to the register to pay for my gas and snack. The man at the counter asked me if I wanted a coffee or soda too for 69 cents and I declined.

Then it happened. Again. He looked me up and down, measured me up and said "You have to eat, you won't lose weight not eating."

My pregnancy hormones took over. Or I'm an Aries. Either way. This conversation went down hill fast.

"Actually I probably won't lose weight any time soon because I'm 5 months pregnant. If I was trying to lose weight drinking a coffee or soda for breakfast with chex mix would be stupid, neither one is a good breakfast option." and then for good measure I gave him the look.

The look my dad patented for stupid people that clues them in that they should stop talking apparently works better for him than me because I got a "Well now that you mention it you do look a little pregnant. It's just that time of the year, most of the bigger girls are dieting so I thought maybe I could talk you into it. Want a free soda?"

"Nope. But I would like my money back, I'm going to Chevron."

I called and talked to his manager on my first break. Not because I think he should be fired but because I think selling a 69 cent soda shouldn't involve insulting fat women or giving other people dietary comments. His manager a nice "chubby" middle aged man (self described I've never seen him), agreed.

So I get to work feeling very fat and not nearly pregnant enough and I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a window.

Holy crap people this baby is HUGE. And she's all in front I don't look fat, unless fat people often carry all their weight in the form of a swallowed watermelon.

I told the story to the girl behind me at work who replied that my maternity shirt combined with Anyah's position made me look not only pregnant but further along then I normally do.

And then we decided... no more Quik Mart quickies.

Dinner is in the oven

Today Jon left for work just as I came home. Layla and I played for awhile and then I ran to Quest to take a test for my OBGYN with a toddler in toe. When we got back I put in a movie and we had a phone call from Grammi Chris in SC which Layla refused to actually talk to.

I bribed my child with Hershey Kisses while I went pee and then I started the corn dogs in the oven and I am now sitting on the couch waiting for dinner to make itself and thinking about how much I like to cook and how little I actually get to cook.

It's not that I couldn't go cook for Layla and myself right now but it's time consuming and my priorities for tonight involved elevating my feet and looking for books on the library service online. I hadn't really planned ahead. If this was the "good old days" we would starve to death. This wasn't an option 50 years ago. But now I am a product of semi-lazy parenting.

While I focus time and energy on my daughter I displace the amount of time and energy I have to spend at work by taking cheater short cuts to make myself available and pleasant to be around in the evenings.

I can't wait until I have daughters old enough to be a help in the kitchen. I can't wait until they are old enough that I can share my favorite hobby and use it as a way to spend quality time together. Because, while she gets great joy helping me unload and load the dishwasher, I can think of much more entertaining things we'll be able to do some day.

Of course, when that day comes I'll probably wish she was still interested in doing the dishes. Can't win. Even when I'm winning. :)

Taking Moments

I want my daughter to know that it's ok to sit down and do nothing. I want her to know what it's like to spend quality time with others just talking. I want her to know the value of a friendship is not the cool things you did together but the uncool things you managed to enjoy together anyhow.

I look back at the moments that define my best friendships and I can feel them in my heart. I want her to learn to take those moments and hold them until she needs them so that she can get through hard times. I want her to know what it's like to be a good friend and to have a good friend.

I want her to know that there is nothing to fear about loving well and being loved well. I pray that she learns to take a moment to send love out into the world every day of her life like she does now. Because if she can still love people as vividly as she does now when she's a teeenager, or a young adult, or a middle aged mom, or grandma... she's going to change the world.

New Year New Prospective

I'd love to say that with 2010 rushed in a bunch of relief and financial freedom but no one expected that to happen because that's not how real life works. What did happen in the last week is a lot of re-evaluation. I have some very skewed perspectives about things and my expectations are very high for other people. They are the same expectations I give myself, which are also too high (or so I am told).

I spend a lot of time being boiled over with anxiety because I never feel like I'm doing enough, being enough, finishing enough. The truth is, I have been informed, my idea of enough must be higher than other peoples. This would also explain why when things happen that put others in crisis mode they always think I am going above and beyond when I think I am barely helping.

Enough with enough. that's my new prospect for 2010.

Although, I don't think I'm doing enough of it. ha ha ha!

No seriously, my anxiety level is a still a 9.5 on a scale of 10 but last week it was an 11...so I'm getting better and I'm still working on it.

How about you, is there a personality trait you would love to work on this year?

A Year Makes

Last year she was still toddled when she walked, she talked in one word sentences and she sat contently when she ate. Last year she wore tiny polka dotted socks and let mommy do whatever she wanted to her hair. Last year she went from baby to toddler... and we rang in the new year learning baby signs, new songs, and how to climb.

This year she is nimble and graceful. This year is "ready, set, GO!" racing around corners and using toys like tools to get into just a little bit of trouble. This year is "no I do it" while she puts on her own socks or "I know want to" when it's time to do her hair. This year she's a little girl... an almost big sister.

What a difference a year makes.

You're Odd

I've taught my daughter to say a lot of things. Some of them I taught her on purpose and some of them just got picked up over time. When Layla does something silly that crosses over the weirdo line (you know like drinks her applesauce instead of using her spoon) I often will look at her and tell her that she is "odd".

"You're odd" is the silly equivalent of "what on earth are you doing?" around here.

Earlier this week I wanted Layla to look at me while I took a picture of her coloring. I tried saying her name and asking her to look at me. I tried say cheese. But, if you know nothing about my toddler let me tell you this, she's stubborn, and there is no way she's looking up just because you asked her to.

So finally I start making silly noises and faces....

And she looks up at me, claps her hands over her eyes and says "you odds mommy"

Yes baby, yes I am... it's genetic...you're doomed.

2010 * A List *

If you know me well, you know I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Resolving to change is like drawing a line in the sand, if I want to change I just do it. And as for that whole "it's a new year now is the time to change" sentiment, well I am just not falling for that. Any time, this moment, is a good time to change...but so is any other moment. Change is something people can do at any time, free will and all that rubbish, so I see no point in giving myself a to do list and then spending 12 months gradually getting less and less diligent about it until I finally just give it up all together.

But, there are some things I'd like to try to do in this upcoming year. So I figure, that's the kind of list that I would start making.

1. Prepare for the birth of our new baby.

2. Meet baby Anyah and introduce Layla to the joys and trials of being a big sister.

3. Travel up and visit Mel and Garratt for a change instead of them always having to come down to us.

4. Get back on the right financial foot.

5. Work on my book.

6. Reconnect with the 2 or 3 friends that I don't see nearly enough and actually miss.

7. Figure out some sort of date night tradition so that I spend time alone with my husband.

8. Give breast feeding a go.

9. Put Layla in some sort of play group or activity (dance, swimming, gymnastics, story time...something) in the spring/summer.

10. Get back on the day road trip band wagon.

11. Find a better source for locally grown food.

12. Go back to cooking, like I love to do, in my kitchen as much as possible.

13. Take Layla to do some cool, local inexpensive things... the zoo, old town, some festivals.

What about you? What would you like to try out this year?