Now we call her Nana

When I was 5 she smelled like a mix of sweet tea and sunflower seeds in the summer. Her hair was always shiny and it flowed in the wind. She knew the rules to all my favorite games, she never lost at a game of cards, she knew all the words and how to make all the voices in my favorite stories and she always made the best chocolate chip cookies.

When I was 10 she knew the words to all the "cool" songs on the radio. She let me walk by myself to the school yard to play with my friends, she made great breakfasts on the weekends and she wore bangled earrings like Stevie Nicks with her birkenstocks and flowy skirts. She never missed a practice or a recital, she always had the cure in her purse and she was the envy of most of my friends.

When I was 15 she taught me to drive and kept my secret when I backed into a tree while learning in someone else's orchard. She let me hang out with my friends unsupervised at the fair grounds, handed out money for me to get my own lunch items, helped find the perfect dress for a Freshman lucky enough to go to the senior prom, and she never let me forget that I was still her little girl.

When I was 20 she taught me to be an adult by introducing me to traveling with a bad sense of direction, trying new foods and falling in love. She let me go when I wanted to run away and she let me come home when my heart was broken. She still made sure Santa stuffed my stocking, she knew where to get the chocolate mice before there was a Harry Potter and she never missed a chance to hang out on the weekends.

When I was 25 she reminded me how to be young again. She incouraged me to date, laugh, dance and love with reckless abandon and reminded me to be safe, stubborn, independent and responsible before she got off the phone. She told me not to get "locked up or knocked up", she shared margaritas on Saturday afternoons at lunch and she reminded me that different really is better than boring.

I'm not yet 30. And when I look back at all the things she did, all the things she was, all the things she still is. I wonder? Can I even sum it all up? Probably not. But then I remember that they have a word for this person beyond description, this overwhelmingly different and wonderfully always the same sort of love. They call it MOM, and I am honored to have one.

Happy Mother's Day to the woman who has changed her title to Nana, who's name is Mommy in the cell phone and Lorrie at work but around here will always just be Mom.

NCLUSD Public Pool

When I was 12 I would jump into the pool and let my body weight pull me to the bottom, I'd slowly raise my hands above my head as I sunk feet first into the chlorinated water until it fully engulfed me. My toes would finally hit the bottom and with the slightest push from my bent legs I would shoot up and out of the water as I brought my hands back down to my sides. It was like being launched from a rocket. It was powerful, quiet and calm. In the dead of a valley summer 110 degree day it was cool and comforting. I did it at least 20 times in a row, sometimes several times a day- all summer long.

I wasn't the high dive jumper or the water slide rider. I was the swimmer. I was back and forth from one side to the other, breast stroke, free stroke and when I got tired the back stroke. Thousands of laps every summer until the pale white skin I had in May turned to a dark rum color at the end of August. I was devastated when it closed. I was impatient during the rests and if I stopped with you, it was only to get my strength back to start swimming again.

There were people there, there were things. People I loved... cool friends with side ponytails and hot pink toe nail polish wearing last years bathing suit and helping tote an overflowing bag of things we might need but hardly ever did actually need. Things to be remembered, floating in the big rubber inter tubes, chasing down the ice cream truck for a choco-taco, and then drinking hot flat soda that we prepped 3 hours before.

We were the in crowd there, not because we wanted to be but instead because we were a fixture. We were a part of it like pale blue painted floors and ricketing chain link fences. We were the summer kids. We had no where to be, nothing to do and no one to watch us. We were free.

Too young then to appreciate it. We always wanted another $2.00 for something, a darker tan and a better kick turn at the end of the next lap. And now 17 years later what all of us wouldn't give to be back in the same pool with the same people with that same damn ability to swim all day without burning or getting tired.

Summer is starting. It's not the power of freedom now. Instead it's the reality of higher air conditioning bills, higher SPF and warn out flip flops. But sometimes when we sneak away to a pool somewhere and ease ourselves into the cool water we let ourselves remember. We find ourselves in a little deeper part of the pool, and we sink to the bottom.

A Day In the Life

So a few days ago a guy family member asked me "what do you do all day now that you're home, don't you get bored?" and after I stabbed his eyeball with a fork in my mind, I said calmly in the phone, "we manage".

And then when I got off the phone I thought to myself, "What the HELL do you DO all day?" because I realized I really didn't know. I mean I'm sort of in a blur sometimes.

So to answer the age old question... what did I do today... I'm going to be updating this blog periodically throughout the day.

6:30 am... the laylabug wakes up because daddy is in the shower and begins playing with my nightgown trim, poking my nose and eyeballs and rolling over repeatedly next to the edge of the bed until I feel I might actually have a heart attack if I don't get out of bed.

When daddy gets out of the shower, I go to the bathroom because if you pick the child up out of the bed before you go pee you will spend most of the morning wishing you could go pee. Then I change the first of many diapers for the day.

6:50 am... laylabug breakfast... mushy oatmeal mixed with peaches and formula. She eats for about 10 minutes, with occassional interupts as she contorts her body to try and see Neesie Nash on clean house. Then she says "uffs" repeatedly until I let her have 3 gerber banana puffs.

7:00 am... laylabug playing on the floor, again with the constant rolling & now getting stuck on things like furniture and toys, so I assist occassionally by pulling her out of the frustrating spots, I also get up 3 times to pull her away from the highly fascinating stereo buttons and then twice from the colorful and there for must be touched DVDs on the bottom shelf.

7:15 am... a the sound of instant screaming in the morning... the EVERY SINGLE morning at 7:15-7:30 stinky diaper, which I change and while I'm at it I dress the laylabug in very cute girly clothing. We were going to go to the flea market but I'm not feeling it now that it's actually the day of so instead I stick the baby who is now rubbing her eyes in the swing and I go get dressed.

7:30 am... ok appareantly swinging is worse than death and the constant baby yelling "hey" from the living room isn't as cute as you might think so I tote her into the bedroom and try to finish getting dressed. She is not enjoying waiting for me to get ready. I put my hair in a ponytail and don a baseball cap with no makeup to avoid a laylabug meltdown. I then take her to the office and she rolls around on the floor (which she loves) while I check my email. I also pack a diaper bag with one hand and prep 3 bottles.

8:00 am... I put the laylabug for the first time in her new upright car-seat and we head to the store.

8:10 am... arrive at store, I get the laylabug out of the car (thank you baby jesus it's so much easier without that bucket car seat). I put laylabug into a cart. And realize two very important things, 1. I do not have my list. 2. I do not know how many people are coming to mother's day brunch. I look down at all the things I got out of the car and into the cart...you know the baby, my bag, a bottle, a toy etc and decide I will wing it.

8:20 am... we are only ten minutes into our grocery shopping and 5 old people have stopped me to talk to my adorable laylabug. I remember it is seniors day at Savemart. Damn it. Now the 20 minute grocery trip takes almost an hour.

9:07 am... arrive home, and unload car while laylabug plays in carseat which she loves. In fact she talked the whole way home from the store and kept touching the window she can now see.

9:10 am... with grocery bags all over the counter, floor and table stop what you are doing to feed the laylabug the first bottle of the day. It takes awhile for mush breakfast to wear off but once it does she's very loud about wanting a bottle. After the bottle, do a diaper check and put the laylabug in a crib for a nap, checking the fishy toy to make sure it's on and giving her a bunny to play with in the crib.

9:19 am... finally finished putting groceries away- look at the grocery list and figure out that despite spending $80 you have forgotten 3 vital things, make a seperate list for the hubby when he gets home to run to the store, put the reciepts in the quicken, remember you forgot to deposit a PFL check and go looking for it to add to the hubby list.

9:20 am... you can hear laylabug in the crib turning on and off her fish toy (her new favorite game) so you go start doing dishes.

9:35 am... When the water stops running and you walk out of the kitchen you realize that the baby is now SCREAMING. You find her stuck in a corner of the crib, with the toy off, tear streaked and covered in snot. You pick her up, calm her down in the rocking chair, give her 2 ounces left over from that bottle earlier and take off her shoes. At which point she begins to talk and sing to herself. Mental note to self, won't nap in shoes.

9:45 am... play with baby on your lap for 15 minutes, assorted games of peek a boo, patty cake and baby bouncing up and down. then let her play with the rivets on your rock and roll tshirt while you try to drink a pepsi because you suddenly remember you haven't had anything to eat or drink yet today and you've been up for over 3 hours. She grabs your cup mid drink and you decide wearing pepsi on a black shirt is easier than changing.

10:00 am... the now calm baby is rubbing her eyes again. Fearing the crib will cause a flashback followed by screaming you put the now happy baby in the swing, crack the sliding glass door, point her towards nature, turn on the fan so she has something else to look at, turn on a country music station on the radio through the cable box channel and walk away slowly so she won't notice you're gone. Toss her a carebare and a jingling baby doll to play with from a distance and she laughs.

10:05 am... someone knocks on the door and tries to sell you a lawn mowing service despite not having any lawn.

10:07 am... get brave enough to walk to the front side of the swing because the jingle toy has stopped making noise, baby crashed out in an akward position, remove all toys and lower swing back so she is laying down. Scared to turn on the TV to a real station you make yourself a small salad with avocado and ranch dressing.

10:17 am... tip toe to the office. You look for jobs online and read your favorite websites while eating salad and drinking pepsi with reckless abandon...

10:45 am... start writing this post

11:07 am... baby still sleeping, decide to spend some time cultivating the babies wardrobe due to the california change of seasons most of her clothing is too hot and some of it is out but too small, although the other day you did pull out the next size up. Spend 15 minutes tossing things that are not 'right' into a box to be sorted between keepers, favorites and charity items later.

11:22 am... laylabug wakes up. change ANOTHER diaper and put her on the floor to play with a few toys while you finish up the baby room.

11:30 am... play with baby on office floor, using a vibrating bunny baby toy to make her laugh, decide to call mom so she can enjoy baby giggles at which point my daughter becomes fascinated with the phone and ignores the bunny all together until the phone call is over... talk to mom for 5 minutes about grandpa's health issues.

11:35 am... get off the phone with mom and check my voicemail, I have a message from the Drs office, I call them back... arrange payment for something I didn't know I had to pay for.

11:40 am... move to the living room and the baby starts saying "uff" over and over... decide if she wants puffs it's probably time for lunch.

11:45 am... laylabug eats lunch, mixed veggies and a few banana puffs for good measure, outside at the patio table then we dip her feet in the kiddie pool for a few minutes... meanwhile the landlord and her husband watch on while they do yardwork occassionally talking to themselves...whatever-dorks!

12:00 high noon, we come back into the house so no one gets a sunburn, I put the baby in the exersaucer in the kitchen while I clean up the kitchen counters with a bleach product, I break occassionally to keep the squeeling child entertained by the bouncy aspects of the exersaucer and also fork over a few cheerios which I got at the store today.

12:10 laylabug wants a bottle. I can tell because she keeps making suction noises with her mouth, I prep a 4 ounce bottle (the biggest she will drink by the way) and we go to the living room where she insists on sitting up like a big girl while she drinks, she then plays with my baseball cap for 2 or 3 minutes until I put it on her head.

12:15 remove dangling earrings to prevent permenant ear damage.

12:16 take baby to office floor and encourage crawling which she won't do... instead hand her the calculator (her favorite office toy) and type update on this blog

12:22 frustrated baby just started crying... I picked her up and calmed her down, she was grinding her teeth pretty badly, after some inspection (and almost getting my finger tip bitten off) I discover we are cutting yet another tooth (#9 or 10).

12:23 gave baby tylenol and put her in the swing with a pacifier to chew on so I could go pee... came back to find her asleep.

12:30 begin watching Nanny 911 on CMT and eat a piece of sour dough bread, then I go get the mail and discover 1 bill, 2 pieces of mail for people who don't live here and the weekly free classified ad with sales ads, so I look through the sales ads and the paper, discovering there are no jobs available I am summoned out of my seat by my inner demon the stress eating and find some fritos to munch on.

1:30 pm... the landlady asks why the geranium is dead, I remind her a fence fell on it a few months back and she proceeds to tell me a long list of all the plants she pulled up to make the yard in the front look less cluttered... 10 minutes of my life I would like back.

1:40 pm... go check my email for a job and try making a few phone calls for my mom's business that she asked me to make.

1:45 pm... check on baby who is still having a mystery nap, use the time to look through mail piles on the desk, counter and table to eliminate some things that can be filed or thrown away.

2:15 pm... the baby finally awakens from a nap due to a stinky diaper, which I change. We then spend some time trying to sit up unassisted without panicking (her sitting, me panicking).

2:30 pm... juice in a sippy cup and cheerios for a snack... not that we will drink much juice (she doesn't seem to like juice much anymore). I begin looking at the 2 hour nap my child just took and find myself wishing I had taken a shower because today the hubby won't be home until after 4 pm.

2:31 pm... decide to move laylabug in the exersaucer to the office and attempt to fill out goverment job application while giving her cheerios and juice at regular intervals... instead she begins to play.

3:15 pm... laylabug remembers there were cheerios and juice and I start giving her some whenever she signals she wants one of either... this trick earns me 30 minutes of online surfing job sites and reading blog info... because really trying to fill out an application with an infant home alone is ridiculus and can not be accomplished by mere mortals.

3:30 pm... stop focusing on computer and resume trying to get laylabug to say "mmmm" when you put something good in her mouth... feels rather like training a puppy really.

4:00 pm... hubby gets home from work and we talk for awhile in the office and marvel at how much the baby likes cheerios and how well she drinks from a sippy cup now.

4:05 pm... the baby starts to cry when hubby leaves the room so we follow him to the bedroom and she spends a good twenty minutes trying to crawl, rolling around and playing with both of us.

4:30 pm... wander back to the livingroom and try to put baby in the swing. Nope. On the ground. Nope. Decide baby might want dinner, three spoonfuls into squash with rice. Nope. Try walking in a circle and she starts giving me fish face... a sure sign she wants a bottle.

4:40 pm... give baby 4 oz bottle and hubby leaves for the grocery store to get the things I forgot and drop off a deposit at the bank.

5:00 pm... start dinner prep so I'm ready once hubby gets home to light the BBQ

5:20 pm... abruptly stop dinner prep due to screaming child that rolled herself on to cold tile and can't figure out what the "cold" problem is on her feet.

5:45- 6:20 pm... husband gets back from shopping, lights BBQ and I finish making dinner.

6:25pm... dinner, BBQ chicken, white rice and green beans. I feed the baby green beans and rice off my plate and she eats so much I actually cut her off.

7:00 pm... after dinner we start watching NCIS, put the baby to bed and I start doing dishes.

7:05 pm... frantic baby has rolled herself into a bad situation in the crib, after a bottle and some time in the swing she'll be fine.

8:00 pm... put the baby back to bed and this time she actually goes to sleep...

this is my last update for today but tonight there will be american idol watching and possible the 100th episode of ECW before bed... and then we'll sleep on it until tomorrow.

And for the boy who asked what i did all day... here is the male translation... "the baby got up early, we went to the grocery store and then we spent the day at home...and the evening watching tv."

LOL I think that about sums it up.

May Madness

So last night I got out the clear dry erase calendar from the office in our home and wiped off April to start putting May down in some sort of official way. Good Lord, May is a much busier month than I expected. There are Dr appts, UI appts, birthdays, weddings, festivals, family dinners, people leaving the state, people coming from out of state to visit, a day all about moms, a day all about BBQing and probably still a few things I forgot to write down. So I hung it on the wall and I tried not to think about it. Then this morning I was reading my email and I looked up... and I thought... gosh I'm blessed. I'm not working and I still have lots of places to go that won't cost me much if anything. That's lucky... and I appreciate it. Now if someone could just remind me of that when I'm half way through my 3rd booked weekend, I'd appreciate it.

1 Word Survey- from my Mom

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD! Not as easy as you might think. Now copy or forward,change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? expensive
2. Your significant other? sleeping
3 Your hair? crazy
4. Your mother? different
5. Your father? funny
6. Your favorite thing? layla
7. Your dream last night? friends
8. Your favorite drink? empty
9. Your dream/goal? working
10. The room you're in? vacant
11. Your hobby? diapers
12. Your fear? abandonment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? safe
14. Where were you last night? couch
15. What you're not? skinny
16. Muffins? butter
17. One of your wish list items? security
18. Where you grew up? nowhere
19. The last thing you did? kisses
20. What are you wearing? pjs
21. Your TV? FoodNetwork
22. Your pets? away
23. Your computer? dusty
24. Your life? searching
25. Your mood? restless
26. Missing someone? usually
27. Your car? dented
28. Something you're not wearing? bra
29. Favorite store? target
30. Your summer? extended
31. Like someone? you
32. Your favorite color? pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? bouncey
34. Last time you cried? JOB

Layla @ 7 Months

My Squishy Little LaylaBug,

This month mommy had a lot of ups and a lot of downs. On a day that couldn't get any more down she walked into the room you had been taking a nap from and found you like this. How you managed this half pull up is beyond me because you don't really crawl yet and you just started sitting up on your own. But, that's beside the point. I walked in to find you chewing on the side of the crib and you greeted me with an overwhelmingly happy "HIYA".

You have mastered 3 words which you use at random, HIYA is the most common and the most likely for you to use correctly.

You are in love with your voice and try to use it to your best advantage. You yell at people to get their attention, flirt when you want another Gerber puff and pout when you do not get your way.

You are VERY mobile, although you haven't mastered crawling you use a combination of scooting and rolling to get from what you have to what you're not supposed to have. Thanks to Nana letting you play with a cell phone once you are in love with anything that "might" be a cell phone. You love the calculator, my phone and the remote control all equally but you hold a special place in your heart for the camera and sometimes it's a miracle that we even get pictures without your hand over the lense.

You are a water baby, you love baths and playing in your tub filled with water on a hot day. You are girly, letting me trim your nails, and brush your hair or teeth without a whimper. I painted your toes last month, you really loved that and sat through the whole thing. But your favorite part of any day involves changing your clothing. You giggle and try to help by sticking your arms and legs in and out randomly when you think it might be useful.

Your an open little bug, you'll eat anything but Gerber peas. I do mean anything... although you don't eat much you do make up for it though by eating often. I love the faces you make and I'm especially fond of watching you eat finger foods now that I am home during the day.

You are a bed hog, you spread out at night touching me with one hand and daddy with the other and you sleep through just about anything between 8 pm and 6 am but as soon as you think it's morning you are up and running. You know your little schedule and you keep to it pretty well. I especially like how you will still throw a fit when you are dirty because I think it gives me high hopes for potty training you early.

This month you got fun to play with. You are a little girly version of your daddy... always trying to figure out how to take the toy apart instead of just playing with it. You also love the thrills and adventures just like daddy, always wanting us to toss you, twirl you or flip you upside down. I hope you keep that open mind and joy for life forever. It's my favorite thing about your daddy.

And we love you, all 7 months and 18 pounds of your LaylaBug alone personality, and that will never change

Being Green

So I know Earth Day was April 22nd, but I despite the media overhaul towards being "green" I'm just not feeling it the same way as I used to. You see Earth day used to come and I'd watch the trendy Oprah show on new lightbulbs and I'd buy a few, or I'd see a show on recycling and I'd watch what bin things went into a little more carefully.

But this year...

Oh this year it happened...

I went hippie mommy.

Next thing I know I'm laying in bed at night after a Discovery special on the Ozone thinking about how I'm solely killing my daughters planet by being so damn complacent. The next thing I know I'm reading the back of organic food boxes at the grocery store, wondering what is more natural-glass or plastic baby food bottles, and contemplating where to plant herbs in the yard.

I was never "brown", I was always a little "green" around the edges but now I'm thinking about looking like Elphaba and sprouting custom made clothe grocery bags.

Heaven help me... I'm turning into my mother. Soon I'll have on Birkenstocks and I'll be a regular at the farmers market. Not that there's anything wrong with that (love you mom) I just didn't think it would be such a sudden change.

*A* Scattegories Game from my Mommy

I hope you also see this is as a brain exercise SCATTERGORIES...it's harder than it looks!

*Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!

1. What is your name: ----- Allison Hattie
2. 4 letter word --------------- AMEN
3. Vehicle: --------------------- Audi
4. City-----------------------------Amarillo
5. Boys name: ----------------Austin
6. Girl Name: ------------------Amelia
7. Alcoholic drink: -----------Amaretto & Coffee
8. Occupation:---------------- Alcoholics Anonymous Advisor (hee hee three points)
9. Something you wear: --------------Applesauce (hey I've got a 6 month old)
10. Celebrity: ----------------------------- Amanda Goodman
11. Food: ----------------------------------- Asparagus
12. Something found in a bathroom------- Antibiotic
13. Reason for Being Late: --------Alarm didn't go off
14. Cartoon Character: ----------------Annie Warbucks
15. Something You Shout: -----------Aahaa!
16. Animal: --------------------------------Alligator
17. Body part:-----------------------------Armpit
18. Word to describe you: -----------Available (as in to start work immediately)

me = unemployed

So my 3 month battle with working for the dark side is finally over. This morning I was terminated within minutes of walking in the door. I have no references, I have no employment prospectives but my stomach doesn't hurt for the first time in 3 months and "in God I trust" so I think we'll be just fine.

I have 5 weeks of paid family leave left and according to the woman at PFL most people take that before their unemployment so I'm all signed up for that already. After that's gone (if I don't have another job) I'll be signing up for the UI that I've been paying into my whole life.

As for today, the hubby and I are both off so we're going to enjoy some TV time and baby time and get some laundry done. Tomorrow there is a job fair that I plan on going to. I don't have a plan but I do have hope, and that's all a girl really needs.

Balancing Act

Tonight was the bi-weekly, take the checks, say a prayer, grab a calculator and wish for the best-let's all pretend the bill pile is smaller than the paycheck pile- day. Fun stuff. That moment when I'm an adult now meets dang I'd really like to have some new shoes.

It's almost alright. Taking 4 months off to have a baby and having medical bills (which we aren't even paying really yet), a personal loan and a lot of past due bills has finally gotten itself down to 2 things that aren't quite paid off, a personal loan we've made two payments on and no more red ink in the check book. Not that it's all caught up mind you, but it's not all spinning out into chaos.

There will be a full pantry, an overstock of diapers, and if we are really lucky... perhaps a BBQ night with friends. A couple more checks like this and I do believe we could breath easy, which of course I won't be counting on given the current state of my job.

The thing is, I'm having a heavy heart still. I think I need a little prayer. Money's tight, I don't feel pretty and my kid likes daddy better. Grumble grumble grumble... I should know better than to grumble. So a little prayer please... to get me through the balancing act.

Oh and while you're at it.

A little prayer for my sister-in-law and brother-in-law as they pull an all-nighter driving across 3 states to sign up for college courses (GO GARRATT!! GOOD FOR YOU!!)

And some for all the kids in the middle of the drama of life, and the husbands who always get too little too late, the family looking for work, and the family working to keep the roof up.

Some for my friends online, Cheryl (who had surgery), Annie (who's having a baby soon), Christine (who just had a really cute baby)

And some for my friends here in the real world who are going new places... C (who's about to move in), J & A (who are about to get married), K & J who are about to move out, Shu (who has a lot on her plate), E (who can't find the right job), L (who wants to come home), G (who still believes in Emo Love)

A prayer for those I don't see enough, and for those I see all the time who drive me crazy

A prayer for those who I think about but never call

And a prayer for the people we never think about it

And for good measure throw in a little something nice for yourself... Patience or Kindness or Hope... Something you can bank on on a Thursday night just after tax season.

Paint it Black

I have a job. I go there every day and I recieve accomplished praise from at least 2 of my 3 managers everyday. Even yesterday, things that I had changed and made better were acknowledged...right before they riped my team in half, assigning it to someone who I know will break it (because she's already started), reassigned me and then tried to tell me it wasn't a hostile take over and it was for the good of my department.

Unfortunately, I'm not 7 so I haven't fallen for the "it's really for the best" and the "it hurts me more than it hurts you" mentality they tried to take with me. I spent 3 months fixing it, making them work as one unit without bickering, making the numbers go up and the mistakes go down.

Ironically based on the way they did it they will think it works because it will take at least 3-4 weeks for the numbers I increased to gradually pitter to a pat. Hopefully by then I have another job because I refuse to fix the same thing twice. I'm not an insane, I will not do the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

So yesterday I cried and cursed and cared. And today? Today I cashed out... today it's just a job and I go there for exactly my hours every day and then I come home to my kid. It's amazing how someone can kill someone else's passion so easily, like squashing a bug. But I should have expected it. Never trust someone who has a fake smile and talks like a cross between Julia Child and a Disney character.

To Listen

I have a girlfriend who only calls me when she needs something. I know everyone has one of those. I have another girlfriend who stopped calling me when things got busy. I have a girlfriend who got carried of by judgement and couldn't forgive me. I have a girlfriend who just walked away. And then...

I have a girlfriend I just reconnected with. I spent the last month listening to her battle out her inner demons and exorcise some awful baggage. And then she was done and I prepared myself for the postpardum of our friendship. Then the phone rang on my bad day and for the first time in a long time I really felt like I had a girlfriend to listen (much to the relief of my mr fix it husband).

I know it was partially me in all those situations that made it harder or altogether ended a good time with a good girlfriend. I could have called more or writen more emails. I could have made plans or walked the extra mile. I could have begged for Christian forgiveness when it wasn't offered open handed. I could have... but I didn't.

I think I wanted to know my friendship has a value. I wanted to know that just being there was enough to build some sort of bond. I wanted to be worthy of someone forgiving me just because they could or calling me just because they missed my imperfection.

It's odd how the person who I thought wouldn't listen, has been listening so well and how much just having someone with estrogen to listen has changed me.

I could call. And I want to call. Because I know this time I'm not being judged, I'm not being stereotyped, I'm not an inconvenience or a bother. This time we're just both there to listen.

Taken

I am an exposed nerve. I am 29 years of wear and tear on a used set of tires. I am rusted around the edges and I am decayed in the parts hidden behind the the face plate. I am polished shined in beautiful contemplation of broken existance. I am art.

I am constantly feeling, something I avoided for many years and it leaves me most days at an anxiety level which boils over on to my husband and into a pile on the bed much to early in the evening. I am balancing the numbers that never balance, planning plans that would take divine intervention to acknowledge and thinking outside a box that has more than enough room for me to grow inside it.

I am finally there. I am in the moment. I am no longer a day away or an hour too late. I express it as it happens. I move things and I am moved. I shake them and sometimes I am shaken. I sit in the stillness and I am in awe.

I am alive. I am at that point where happy is hopeful, sad is survivable and love is overwhelming. I am consumed by a desire to change my situation in little ways... 9 to 5 ways... and yet so overwhelmingly content to be able to watch nothing next to someone willing to suffer through it for my enjoyment. I watch the nothing become something of meaning.

I am addicted. I am craving it, touching it, smelling it next to me and then I close my eyes in the dark and listen to the sound of subconscience symphanies playing from that which holds my soul next to me and I worry that it could not be enough, that it could vanish and then I pray.

I am empty of the desire and full of the guilt one moment and the next I am full of the desire and empty of the guilt and all it took was one look, one word, one more person to show me that I am abnormally normal...even now. I am repulsed and yet I am curious.

I am atoned. I hear the voice in the back of my head. It is love in compounding expanding wholeness I can not even begin to understand and it says I am safe and my love is safe. I snuggle in, closing my eyes again and listen to the air I breath taking in air around me. It is warm and it is near me always.

I am defined by them. I am part of them now. Slowly my identity has morphed into a part of a puzzle with constant changing pieces. I am not a product of how I see myself. I am not a product of how they see me. I am a product of being changed by knowing them and them being changed by knowing me.

I am not for the better or for the worse. I have a value given to me just by my existence. I am necessary and I am strong in ways I do not understand most of the times. I am calm when I need to be and hot when I can be. I am too much, too little and always just enough.

And suddenly I just get it.

I am a child, a mother, a wife, a friend, an enemy, a job, a work in progress. I have no definition, I am described by all things in contradiction. I have a name and it is taken.

taken
adjective
1.
understood in a certain way; made sense of; "a word taken literally"; "a smile taken as consent"; "an open door interpreted as an invitation"

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 6

This is the back yard. The landlord just added the grass stuff. It houses some fruit plants, a nice sized storage shed and my favorite view from the sliding glass door to the clear blue sky which let's me pretend I live in the country. I also think later this summer when the BBQ really gets fired up that table with the umbrella is going to be the place to be if you're a cool person.

That's about it for our tour of homes. Stay tuned some time in the next few months for the "what's in my fridge", "cleaning out the closet" and "what it looks like clean" installments.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 6

This is the master bedroom. Notice the pack in play? That's where my kid naps. She sleeps at night in our bed still because well we all like it. The stuff on the dresser isn't dust, it's incense ashes and it's always there. One door (closed) is a walk in closet and the other is a bathroom too small to warrant pictures. The window looks out at the perfect angle over the poppy part of the yard in a way that would make it hard for a person to look up into the house. I like that part. I don't like the part where our box spring is broken so the bed sits on the ground instead of a frame. Maybe someday we'll get a king size...sigh.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 5

This is one of our two bathrooms. We won't dwell on it. This one doesn't have a shower so we don't really use it unless someone needs to go pee while someone else is in the master shower. It holds a baby bath no one is using right now while Layla bathes in the kitchen sink and I do my hair there. Exciting, no? I won't bother taking pictures of the other one. You can thank me later.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 4

The next room would be the office. Originally this room was going to be Jon's man room so it's very modern and artsy just like my hubby. I also let the desk be covered with litters of paper, cord tangles from PSP's and cameras and other crap so that it feels more like his space. It houses his shot glass collection, his band signed pictures, his transformers and a book case that holds a small selection of our hardcover books. There is also a small shelf of cds. The futon is horrible uncomfortable so when people stay over we put an air mattress on top of the futon mattress which they appreciate. Someday we're hoping this room will hold the drumset we never got around to getting.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 3

The first door on the left in the hallway is my daughter Layla's room. It's decorated in brown, pink and burgundy with tulips, stripes and Amy Brown fairies. She won't sleep in it but we spend a lot of time in there changing clothing and diapers. She's already getting quite the little toy and book collection, this room holds the stuff she doesn't use yet so it's not as brightly colored as the living room but it will be once she starts spending a lot of time in there. Notice the baseball hat rack we stole from daddy and painted to match her bedroom (which daddy painted all of) it's one of my favorite things in her room because it brilliantly holds special items, wet towels, discarded blankets and hoodie sweatshirts where they are easy to get to. Also there is her piggy bank collection which happened totally on accident last christmas.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 2

This is our kitchen, dining room and living room. They are all really sort of like one big room and that's just how we treat them. We move furniture around to make them look big for parties and then smaller when we're just at home watching TV. I didn't clean up for your picture tour so I didn't take a picture from the angle that would show my dirty dishes but you do get to see the food on my counter and the stuff piled on my cook book shelf. Really this is what it looks like around here most of the time. Notice the cowboy hats still on the piano from the rock star party last weekend and the stuff all over the living room that keeps the baby entertained. We're keeping it real. Also shown is the view from the sliding glass door, but that's the back yard and it can have it's own post in a minute. We're pretty blessed to have such a good spot for entertaining & it's too big to get in one picture.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 1

I got asked to do a tour of my home in pictures so we're starting here... enjoy...

This is where I live. Isn't it lovely. It's at the end of the street and when I look out my front door I can see everyone else's yard. And poppies, I can see lots and lots of poppies because my landlord must love them and they are everywhere.

Doing the Zoolander

I can only turn in one direction. That would be the left for those of you who must know every detail. My right side is well... stuck... for lack of a better word. My neck is shot. It has been all day. It used to be much worse but one of the doctors at work fixed me up pretty well. (A perk of working at a chiropractic office I guess).

The thing is that Zoolander wasn't someone's mommy and this really sucks. So that's my whole rant. I can't even think of a nice and poetic way to right about it. I just wanted to whine.

The end.

Party Like A Rockstar

A few photos for your enjoyment from my party like a rockstar themed b-day party!! Enjoy! (Thanks to everyone who sent me pictures after camera number 2 broke this weekend). For those of you with access I put up more pictures on myspace. :)

29

For my birthday I decided to have a go at being someone else... some with cute trendy hair... what do you think?

Layla @ 6 Months

Your 6th little month of life decided to mark itself with Mommy's 29th birthday and the sudden death of the camera which costs $110 to fix so this time your monthly photo is two days old. Sorry about that.

You recently had a growth spurt. I know this because daddy raised your exersaucer so you weren't standing flat footed in it last week and today when I put you in it if you stand up straight (which you can do flat footed) you aren't even sitting in the seat. It's lovely how you hardly ever grow but then when you do it's by leaps and bounds.

You are 27 inches long. The same length as your cousin Faith, but you are 5 pounds lighter, a mere 15 pounds of baby love. I blame this on your father. You got his metabolism and his desire to eat tiny meals often. Every 2 hours or so. Lucky you, you will be tall and thin and the boys will love you. Poor daddy, he's going to have to start collecting guns.

This month you also found your scream. You've always been a babbler but now you scream with delite, fear or boredom. Hey why waste a good scream?

Papa Mark and Susan bought you a dog that is a puppet. When you put your hand in it and squeeze it's mouth open and shut it sings "close to you". This is now your FAVORITE thing on the planet. It makes anything better even the flu or socks. You hear the song and instantly you are happy. I am slightly jealous that a dog has stolen my trademark ability to solve all that ails you. But also a little happy that now the Nana's and Daddy's of the world can get you to giggle when you are pissed off. You also make me sing you the song when you are sleepy and fighting it. I think daddy probably hates that song now.

You like skirts, bare feet, sunlight, "outside", apples with bananas & pears from gerber, trying to eat the flowers, your stuffed elephant and pulling mommy's hair...so she's cutting it off today. You like giggling, flying through the air, hanging upside down and thrill seeking in any form. You like to move, roll, scoot and scout out new adventures and just this week you discovered that if you slam your body hard enough to one side or the other people will move you that way. You are always in control, always curious and always touching something you probably shouldn't be. Even in your sleep you are petting daddy's facial hair or holding mommy's shirt if you can manage it...sometimes even both at once.

This month you officially went from being my newborn to being my baby girl. Complete with ruffled skirts and batting eyelashes. You are nearly fearless, almost always curious and open to new experiences and I am loving watching you interact with things for the first time. In fact, I think I'll go do that now... bye internet!

It's my little secret

Jon thinks I am ever the pillow hog. Sometimes I steal his pillows before he goes to bed. But I try to keep myself from doing that. Instead I wait until he goes to work Saturday mornings and the moment I hear his shower start I reach over and grab his pillow. I squish it up and place it under my head.

His pillow is so much better than mine. But the problem with that statement is we don't have "assigned" pillows. See what makes his pillow so great is that is smells like him. It's this strange mixture of coffee, axe body spray, sweaty boy and well and something else that I've never been able to describe. It's always still slightly warm and it feels so good pressed against my face.

I'm not a cuddler it makes me hot but it's comforting to me to know that his smell is there. And sometimes I come to bed and find my daughter like the picture above. It's ok though, I know her dirty secret. She just wants to squish her face up against a soft pillow that smells like us.

The Thin Line

This evening I took the last of the potatoes and the last of the eggs and made dinner. We're officially parents now. Instead of lunch this week we'll be buying one more thing of formula and one more package of baby wipes (which all the sudden we go through 3 times as many of). It's ok though. We both get paid at the end of the week.

Jon told me a few weeks ago that he was tired of being an adult. I can't say I disagree but I think the advantages of being a parent and a grown up far outway the disadvantages. I often wonder though if that feeling ever goes away... you know the one where you just feel like you're pretending to be an adult because you know you are one and that's what adults are supposed to do. I mean are our parents in their 50's thinking... man I still want to be 16 but dang it I'm an adult or does it go away after awhile.

Speaking of things that go away after awhile... has anyone seen my sex drive? I think I lost it right about the time I lost my stretch mark free stomach and limitless budget. Anyhow... if you find it could you give it to Jon he's been trying to find it. I mean I could care less but the guy is going to get rather testy about it eventually. You know how boys get when they lose things.

The new job is going well. People ask all the time. The truth is I'm good at it, they seem to like me and it's challenging. It's just going to take awhile to either adapt to the crazy way they do things or have a hostile take over until they do things my way.

In the interim... if anyone needs me I'll be the one standing on a tight rope above insanity trying to pretend like it's not scary.

I know I should post

People are starting to get on me because I never post on this site anymore. So I'm going to start trying to get to it a couple times a week instead of just once every weekend. But it's so busy and distracting around here I'm not making any promises. After all, I have important things to do, like taking pictures to embarrass my daughter with when she's old enough to realize this really isn't that cool.

Where has it gone

I remember when my daughter was born she had a full head of dark brown hair, over time it's lightened and some of it (if not most of it) has fallen out and now I have what looks like a normal baby worth of hair on top of her little head, it sticks straight up, and with the exception of a small bald spot from pushing herself around on her back on the floor it covers her entire scalp in a thin layer.

The funny thing is I never really noticed it was falling out until today when I looked at a picture from when I first brought her home. In that picture her eyes were bright blue, her hair was thick and brown and she was so tiny. Now she's so long and so aware and her hair is almost gone. But, despite all that I never noticed.

It was a small trickle, this growing thing... so slow and small that I never really realized that it had been 5 months, so slow I never noticed that it was life passing before me. Wonder what else I missed.

Layla @ 5 Months

Oh my little LaylaBug, you're already such a big girl. This morning when you woke up you decided to turn sideways in the bed to play with the comforter, then you pulled the blanket over your head and did a fake little scream for attention and when I pulled it away you gave me a goofy good morning grin that showed off your two front teeth. When I put you on the changing table you lifted you legs when I undid your sleeper so I could change your diaper and then you put them back down when I was done. While I was putting your sleeper back on you, you laughed and flirted until you knew I was done then you flipped on to your side and grabbed your pacifier and tried to put it in your mouth up side down. I sat you in the recliner like a big girl while I made you a bottle and you had a nice conversation with yourself while you waited, when I came back you were laying on your tummy trying to get the remote. After your bottle, while Mommy put on her makeup for work you were sitting Auntie Mel's lap trying to grab your feet and it occured to me that you are so sure of yourself... and so big.

I could not imagine 5 months ago that you'd be eating from a spoon, have favorite toys and know what time I was supposed to be home from work. But every night that I am late you get upset until I arrive, always around the same time. And every night you eat your mushy little foods, squashes, sweet potatoes and pears and I wonder what it will be like in another 5 months.

You are beautiful and vibrant when you are awake. Aware of everything around you, you always find something to amuse yourself with and you interact with everyone around you. But my favorite times are at night when you are sleeping, your skin goes a little paler, your breathing gets deep and you sink into me and I am consumed by my love for you. At that moment, I understand, no greater thing will I ever do than be your Mommy. And even at 5 months old you make me swell with pride.

And then I woke up

This morning I woke up heartbroken. My daughter has decided Daddy is warm and all night last night she cuddled up next to him with her little left hand either wrapped in his hair or stuck in his beard. And I slept, ALONE, on my side of the bed. I woke up 20 times last night and got up this morning to have a giant panic attack and cry in the bathroom while I did my hair.

Just yesterday she slept next to me, her little body squished up against my side and her face pressed into my left bossum. Her little right hand would hold on to my nightgown or slip under my pjs so she knew i wasn't leaving.

God I miss yesterday.

Wonder

I see it in her eyes. It's her curious nature. It oozes out when she smiles and it drips from her like the curiousity that finally got to the cat. Within moments of being anywhere new she is instantly aware of what is around her. She reads which adults she can wrap around her fingers, which things she can get her tiny little hands on and what she has no interest at all in. And then as usual for a baby of her age something grabs her...and for a moment she'll sit there and wonder, what is that? Sometimes she figures it out, sometimes she doesn't but that little moment of pause that strikes me as pure and wonderful. How long has it been since you just looked at something. I mean REALLY looked at something.

Plan B

Optimistically my husband and I thought we might still be able to go to Disneyland for my birthday in March like the 2 years before, but unfortunately finances won't quite be lined up then so I find myself tonight sitting at a computer thumbing around for a plan B.

Of course there will be a party here at home but I'm tired of the same old thing. It's time to throw a little fun into the mix. I'm thinking of either a "come as a character from your favorite movie" party or perhaps a "rock star" party where I have everyone come as a rock and roll persona and we rent a karoake machine.

There is also the option of driving down to see Jon's cousin that weekend instead. Her big 3 0 is the day after my birthday but I don't think we can swing the travel time with my new job.

So which would you rather be a rock star or a movie star? Help me pick my theme would ya?

Snow

So I had grand intentions of writing some wonderful blog this weekend to make up for the fact that I never really have time to blog anymore...and then my mom came over and watched our daughter for us to have a date night...and then we got up the next morning and drove to Yosemite to see the snow with the baby and the in-laws. Needless to say... it was a busy weekend and now I'm too tired to blog. But I'll live you with this nice scenery shot to make up for it.

My Mommy Tagged Me

Four things about me that you may or may not know.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hostess
2. Renaissance Faire Sword Vendor
3. Office Manager
4. Clerical Administrative Director

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
2. Hot Fuzz
3. Harry Potter (the first one)
4. Princess Bride

Four places I have lived:
1. San Mateo, California
2. Crows Landing, California
3. Turlock, California
4. Modesto, California

Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Criminal Minds
2. Ghost Whisperer
3. Ghose Hunters
4. WWE Raw

Four places I have been:
1. Tiajuana
2. Humbolt/Mendocino Coasts
3. Disneyland
4. Lost in my imagination

Four people that email you the most (at home)
1. My Mommy
2. Aubrey Anne (the queen of the forward)
3. automated baby sites
4. Old Navy's marketing department (I think they're stalking me)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chicken Tacos
2. Cream Tuna on Toast
3. Potato & Eggs like Mommy makes
4. Chocolate Mice from Old Town Pasteries

Four places I would rather be right now
1. with my daughter
2. with my husband having an adult conversation
3. on vacation with a margarita in hand
4. some place cool and dark taking a nap

Four things that I am looking forward to this year:
1. getting to know my daughter
2. developing a stronger marriage
3. traveling
4. being with Friends

Dirty Dozen

I got tagged for this dirty dozen MIME thing and I figure it's nice, quick and easy so I'll do it because lately I haven't been posting or commenting on other people's blogs much.

1-- the number of things that I have done that I regret in my life.
2-- the sum of how many weeks I have been at my new job.
3-- the total times I thought about showering and getting dressed today before I actually did it.
4-- how many months my daughter has had me wrapped around her little finger.
5-- the month of the year that I always hate the most because it's too busy.
6-- how many drinks it takes before I'm willing to sing in front of a bar.
7-- approximately the number of times I think about money in an hour.
8-- perhaps the only number on this list I had to stop and think about and I couldn't come up with anything for.
9-- the month in which my husband and I will celebrate our 2 year anniversary by having lot's of loud sex somewhere away from our child.
10-- the number of times I think about doing things and then get interrupted by a little person.
11-- how many years it's been since I thought I looked good in a pair of jeans.
12-- the number of hours I spent at work yesterday.

Layla @ 4 months old

Oh Laylabug! You're so big now I can hardly believe it.

Things changed so much this month. You gabber on like a teenager who speaks her own little language. You sit upright on the couch and you look around the room so alert and aware. You're suddenly all about grabbing things and touching them. You take the things you really like and rub them up against your chubby little cheeks and laugh.

Some things will never change...and least not any time soon if I have my way. You are the best snuggler right before bed and early in the morning when I try to squeeze a few more minutes of sleep by placing you between daddy and I under the sheets you snore a quiet little moan like snore that tells me you are happy and safe. You laugh when people do silly things... you know... like put on Miley Cyrus music, dance around in front of you, growl or better yet... attempt to buy you new shoes.

You are already such your own little person. You have toys you love (thank you Courtney for the little dog you can't live without) and toys you hate (I don't know what Nana was thinking with a pink poodle rattle). You have foods you like (mmm oatmeal mush) and foods you hate (eww prunes... I'm not 90). You have clothing you love (is it possible to wear a hoodie with your footsie pjs) and things you try to pull off as soon as I put them (socks are for sissy boys).

I'm amazed by you every day. You stay with Auntie a few days a week now and sometimes when I come home and you hear my voice you start to fidget and whine. I feel the same way... like I've waited my whole life to see you ... not just a sulky 8 hours. And that amazes me... how brilliant, lovely and charming someone so small can be.

Still hopelessly wrapped around your little finger...
Love~ Mommy

Happy Birthday Daddy

When I was little my daddy could give me this look and I'd immediately stop what I was doing because I knew I was in trouble. Now that I'm older he just staged it for a photograph for me at a wedding. Ominous looking isn't it? Except for those bright blue eyes that always had so much love behind them. A big old teddy bear really....

Happy Birthday Daddy

That Familiar Tightness

Last night I figured out that we won't be getting a tax return. That's ok though because in a few months we'll be all caught up. It's just this month that I'm worried about, that familiar space between the old paycheck and the new job is a tight space that feels like it's closing in sometimes.

The hubby as always says "there's a plan, stop worrying about it" but I come from a long line of worriers and it's just in my nature so he chuckles every time I pull out a piece of paper and a pen and hatch out that temporary budget again. What else could he do? Nothing. Just like me he's stuck in what is.

Oh what a different $500 could make right now. But there isn't $500 and there won't be... so instead we'll sit in this tight spot a month or two longer....waiting for the future to become the present and the room to open up.

Back in the workforce!

As to be expected the first day back at work was horribly hard on my both emotionally (leaving my darling daughter) and physically (good god there is a 6 in the morning too?) but I made it through the day with only calling my hubby and my mother once to complain, cry and otherwise freak out.

The second day at work, however, was not to be expected. Suddenly, after a confused and chaos filled first day where no one know where I was going, what I was doing or why I was there I found myself in an office happy to have me, reflective of my skillset, and well...fun to joke around in.

The first day flew by ironically, while the afternoon of the second day seemed to take forever. Meanwhile at home, Auntie who is watching Layla says she's a breeze to handle and Daddy is adapting well to all his time home with the baby now and I'm starting to feel a lot more confident about not calling during every break and lunch hour...not that I plan on stopping.

I miss cuddle time a lot during the day and I suppose I will miss that time for the rest of my life whenever I am away from it. I bet my mother still thinks about my tiny little self sprawled out in the middle the sheets on a hot summer night, and I bet sometimes she misses it. I know I'll never leave for long again without picturing my little baby curled up in a ball sleeping against my side while I rock in my chair.

I couldn't imagine life without it, and I count down to it at the end of the day. I'll count down to it even more at the end of the week. But, it's good for me... and in the end it's good for her.

I Quit!

I know most, if not all, of the ladies in my every other Thursday night scrapbook group read this site. So I'm just going to post this and then you can all read it.

I'm quitting the scrapbooking night. For many reasons really, but the main one is that I don't like how people sort of commit. Seriously, I can never get anyone to say if they are coming or not and even if they say they are coming they may or may not show up... so well... I give up.

I'd rather scrapbook by myself then spend every week setting up tables and calling people only to get another excuse or another false commitment. I'd rather spend my time doing something I enjoy... like watching my adorable daughter learn and grow or making out with my husband.

So if you need me this Thursday... I'll be free as a bird... because I QUIT!

My Laylabug

Alright, I've had a couple people ask me about my daughters site. If I know you, or sort of know you in that been reading my blog forever sort of way and you want to see Layla's blog all you have to do is email me. Most of you know my email address... and I'll send you a link via email and once you're logged on you can see Layla's site whenever you want.

If you don't know my email address leave a comment below with your address and I'll make sure you get the link.

Also I know some people's work emails send them to the spam filter so some people I sent them to I got them back for. If you have a non-business email... those are best.

The J.O.B.

I got the job. I start Monday. I'm super excited about having a job and a tiny bit heartbroken about leaving my little girl all day long. But, she'll be staying with Daddy and Auntie Mel every day so I know she'll be loved and taken care of all the time.

The job is for a Chiropractic office. The pay is good, there is a bonus program and benefits.

Looks like all my ducks are finally getting into those rows I keep imagining in the back of my head.

In the meantime I have a week with my darling daughter. A week I plan to enjoy as much as possible. So if you don't hear from me it's because my hands are full of babies and my lips are giving kisses...

The Waiting Game

So the job that I was told I would know about by the end of the day Friday, said oops...make that Monday (all day Monday) and then whoops...make that Tuesday. So today is the day I hypothetically might find out if I have a job.

Gosh I want to have a job all stinkin' ready.

Date Night- The Recap

Looking at this picture taken before my first date night with the hubby since the baby was born you can see it in my eyes. I'm reluctant. I'm scared. I knew at the start of the day it would be a hard thing for me to do so I made sure that by the time the hubby got home I had confirmed the Grandma babysitting arrangements and gotten changed. My makeup was on and my hair was done, I knew I looked presentable but secretly I wondered if people looking at me would think... Gosh I can't believe she left the baby at home.

PPA- Post pardum anxiety is a huge part of my life still. It sits there under the surface taunting me. It was the force that put the cell phone on the table all through our romantic dinner at Vito's and the looming feeling that made me check my cell phone for messages during our 3 wonderful desserts even though I knew I didn't have one.

I made it though, I made it through dinner and our shared desserts. I made it through a few games of pool before it started distracting me from my game. I even pushed it aside long enough to run to target. But when I got home at 9 all I could think about was holding my daughter and smelling her hair and feeling her warmth against me.

Next time will be easier. It has to be. But boy that first step was a doozie.

Once Again Waiting

God must be trying to teach me that patience thing again. I am once again waiting to hear from a job. They said I should know by Monday afternoon. The interview went well...and now I just wait some more.

The New Look

So I've been thinking about changing the look of this blog since before Christmas. The truth is the color on the old one was kind of dark and although I like dark things... it was a little weird to look at from your desk at work or to read late at night in your office at home... so I lightened things up a bit.

Also you'll notice the links have changed... no people did not accidently get deleted. I cleaned house... some people I read more than others... these are my top 10 links on the left. The other people I might still read but until they make my top 10 I'm not putting them on my template.

I hope you like the changes.

Trying to Make the Cut

Tomorrow sometime I'll have another interview. Once again, it's me and one other person. We are opposites in what we offer, the other and me. I have tons of office management experience and no medical experience. She has medical experience and no office management experience. They tell me it's a 50/50 shot. And I'm trying not to get my hopes up because the last 3 months has taught me that I'm really good at making the top 2 or the top 4 or the top 5.

So far my acceptance letters still far outway my rejection letters but in the end I'm always just a little not enough and that scares me.

So tonight I pray, just like every night that tomorrow will be the day that I find the job that keeps my family secure. Tonight I pray to keep myself from being nervous. Tonight I pray that my hopes don't get too high and that if I'm disappointed my low won't be too low. Tonight I pray for hope... until at last my eyes find rest.

2007 the review

So I've been seeing a lot of these up on blogs and I'm a sucker for peer pressure so I'm going to do it because everyone else did it. And yes, I proved in 1998 that if all my friends jump off a bridge I will too. But enough about 1998...let's get back to 2007...

I learned that you love someone you've never met and mourn them when they die.
I learned that Drs are wrong.
I decided some people aren't good to travel with and some are even worse to stay with.
I accepted a leap of faith that left me wondering and then later awestruck.
I acknowledged Valentine's day by praying for new life in my family.
I spent my birthday in Disneyland with friends... most of the time on bed rest or in a wheelchair.
I paid things off only to make even bigger debt later.
I remembered why Springtime is my favorite season.
I developed a relationship with lot's of new inlaws.
I celebrated 2 first birthdays, 3 births and 4 weddings (even though I only made it to one wedding)
I watched friends marry and I listened to marraiges being tested.
I skipped the fireworks to play liars dice in my bathing suit in the dark.
I rejoiced in good food and good friends.
I forgave but I didn't forget to bring someone back into my life... twice.
I gave up on a birthday gift in order to be an adult.
I made up for it with an awesome party with family and friends.
I gave birth and everyone lived to tell the tale.
I focused on breathing through it.
I sarcastically had other breath with me.
I regreted the first day but have cherished every day of the 3 months since.
I was baffled by the forgiveness and grace of some.
I was hurt by the abandonment of another.
I shed tears of joy at the sight of a first smile.
I wept tears of fear as I set myself back into the world of the unknown.
I looked for dream jobs, day jobs and then any old job that paid well.
I planned and then I broke plans.
I gave someone hope.
I gave someone else all the time they wanted to talk.
I took more than I gave sometimes.
I remember what it was like to play like a child again.
I made lists and I crossed off the items one by one.
I celebrated Christmas like I really meant it even when I really wanted to beat someone to death.
I dealt with God's love for me even when I could not surrender to it.
I watched a son forgive his father.
I watched a father become a grandfather.
I watched relationships change as a baby came home.
I revealed in the smallness and closeness of a few as the new year came again.
I wondered how much I'd forgotten and felt blessed by how much I remembered.

When Potlucks Grow Up

I have been giving a lot of thought to starting a food club. The food network did a whole special before Christmas on groups of people who got together every month for the sole purpose of loving food and cooking. Gee...that sounds like my kind of gig doesn't it.

So I think I might start one and invite my family & friends. Anyone young or old could participate. It's like a potluck with cool monthly themes. Like for instance one month could be Greek food or Spanish food... oh or comfort food...

So what I'm looking for is some themes... and of course willing participants.

Anyone out there want to eat?

Resolutions

Anyone who says they don't make New Year's resolutions is probably fooling themselves. We all have that thing in the back of our head that we think... "yep, this is the year". So what are your New Years Resolutions?

This year I made 5 resolutions (which probably sounds like a lot but I figure I've got a 20% success rate on these things so maybe if I am lucky I'll do one for a whole year). I don't believe in resolving for things like losing weight or quitting something I currently do because if you need a new year to force you to start doing something like that... you're going to quit before too long. So this is my list... a very adult list...

1. Find a job I like that let's me still have quality time with my husband and daughter.
2. Take an active roll of being more affectionite when I feel lovey dovey. (Seriously I'm just lazy and I always have been)
3. Try to pay of debt efficiently by having more things here at the house and less things at restraunts... that means parties but also just dinner.
4. Take a trip...even something small... every single month. I used to take a lot more day trips or weekend trips and even with money tight you can still get out for a day... so that's the plan.
5. Spend more time with other adults. I've only been a mom for 3 months and I feel that pull already to hang out with my friends occassionally or just be wild and crazy.
4.