34 Weeks

So this week has been extremely busy. Company meetings, client presentations, payroll runs, event planning, event attending, etc have all been back to back to back. So I wasn't at all suprised when I started having Braxton Hicks.

Then today the OBGYN calls me to tell me my glucose is fine, my iron is fine but from the looks of it I might be farther along then they think... they thought I was 34 weeks but I could be as much as 2 weeks off... that's 36 weeks people!! That would put me at Oct 2nd which is the date I've been using all along. We find out for sure at my appt on Tuesday.

That explains why the baby dropped in week 33, and why for the last two days I have a contraction every hour on the hour. The time it is a coming.

It's probably still a few weeks out. Past the baby shower, past the last day at work, past the point of no return, but definitely past 34 weeks... because according to today's call...we're already there.

6 AM Ramblings

Yesterday was a busy day. I had to run payroll at work, I had a client meeting across town and the power went off half way through training someone. By the time I got home at 4 I was hot, tired and still had a good hour worth of work related stuff to do. It happens sometimes.

The hubby worked the closing shift at work last night so I made my way through the evening talking to my mother on the phone, making myself a simple dinner and watching law & order reruns. When I went to bed at 8:30 I was exhausted.

Perhaps that is why as soon as I went to bed I started having Braxton Hicks contractions. I've had them off and on all night, never quite comfortable, never 100 % asleep. It is 6 am and 45 minutes ago I gave up on sleeping altogether.

I have a client presentation today and a company meeting I am in charge of tomorrow. As you already know the weekend is completely booked. I'm hoping this sleeping problem goes away tonight because otherwise I might look very poorly by my OBGYN appt Tuesday afternoon.

The best part? If you are up at 6 am there is nothing to eat, nothing on tv and you can't make any noise because the hubby wants to sleep. So what do you do at 6 am? You work. From home.

God I'm pathetic.

Do Over Day

Today was the infamous do over of my glucose test. Today was also the day I got to do over two things I had previously had done at work. At least I thought I had them done till someone informed me I was doing them over.

All in all, if I make it through this week I'm going to develop a large head...a swelled ego...a huge burst of confidence...ok more like an intense desire to take a nap.

Tomorrow I get to run a company worth of payroll, attend two meetings and do a client demo. The next day I get to prep for an event, do a client meeting and update my staff for while I'm out. The day after that I have a huge company meeting and a huge sales meeting. Saturday is my baby shower and my husband's birthday party (and the caterer just canceled for his party) and Sunday is my sister in laws baby shower which I am throwing (and totally ready for yo!). Monday is a holiday and I will the person laying on the couch in a near coma if anyone needs me because Tuesday I have a full work day and an OBGYN appt where hopefully I will be pulled from work and put on maternity leave...because if I'm not... I'm going to cry.

27 Things I Love for His 27th Birthday

Today is the hubby's 27th birthday and so I have decided to list 27 things I love about him...to celebrate the day he was born.

1. Every night when I go to bed my husband "tucks me in". He turns on the alarm clock, adjusts the bedding and sits and talks with me for a few minutes before kissing me goodnight and turning off the light.

2. He can't match his clothing to save his life. But he tries, lord he tries, and I think it's adorable.

3. Family comes first. Whenever his mother, sister or brothers need something he is quick to drop what he is doing and try to help. This includes being the only 27 year old man I know that would volunteer to babysit a 9 month old girl so she doesn't have to get dragged to a baby shower next week and hanging lots and lots of things in other people's houses.

4. He eats things that come from the microwave- willingly. Those of you who know me know I can't stand pre-made foods. So having a husband who'd willingly eat a frozen burrito on the nights I don't want to cook...rocks!

5. He takes out the trash. Every. Single. Week. I don't have to ask. It's just something he does. In fact I bet it's been at least 6 months since I touched the trash.

6. My hubby shops. Not all the time, but when I need him to he'll run to the store...or several stores. He's good with a list and usually brings back exactly what I asked for.

7 & 8. He loves God with all his heart and his mommy with all his soul. So when I got married it bothered me that I ranked 3rd. Jesus. Mommy. Wife. Now though, I find it very passionate for someone to be able to love me, Jesus, and his mommy all about the same amount.

9. He hates my cat...unless you're not looking in which case he's totally whipped by the cat.

10. He can make me laugh when I'm really upset and when I'm really really upset he's smart enough to leave the building so I can have quiet time alone with my cleaning supplies.

11. He loves his job and he tries to help other people find things in their lives they can love so that they enjoy their responsibilities as well.

12. He can't listen and play a video game at the same time but he can hold a conversation quite nicely while I watch the food network or during the commercials of Law & Order. (Seriously, I'm a talker people, I have to talk during the commercials).

13. He likes to travel but isn't annoyed that we've been on lock down for 9 months due to a high risk pregnancy.

14. Ditto to #13 but replace "to travel" with "get busy".

15. He has never treated me in a disrespectful manner, even when I was being a shakespear style shrew with 3 heads and a forked tail.

16. He tried to eat the world's worst pinto beans the other day just because I made them. He didn't even say anything smart when I declared them "too salty to eat".

17. He's witty. I have a huge thing about charismatic people. If he couldn't hold his own in a battle of the tongue and wit I'd have to replace him.

18. He doesn't let me win and sometimes he does lose. Now if only I could get him to give me
"the list", I'd like to win that one.

19. He is not a martyr but he will self sacrifice for love. For instance, when I was heartbroken because our friends couldn't help us move he moved 90% of the stuff we own on his own in the summer heat because he knew I was pregnant and nesting and I would appreciate it. He's very "service oriented" for his language of love.

20. He still gets excited when we go to Disneyland. Everyone should have an inner child. That little part inside of them that wants to skip and eat ice cream and stay up late.

21. He doesn't panic. Ever. I know...it sounds crazy?! But, I can honestly say I have never seen him panic.

22. He loves well. Everyone. Even you... even if he doesn't know you yet. Even if you hurt him yesterday. Even if you might hurt me. He'll love you..at a safe distance. But you'll feel loved.

23. He's creepy optimistic. The glass is half full, the money will stretch, the plan will work and the prayer will be answered. Period.

24. He looks damn good in a tux. Or a bathing suit. Or his birthday suit. I may be bias.

25. He's going to make a great father, he's already an amazing Uncle. My niece adores him with all her being and follows him around and crawls all over him. She's smitten too. But he's mine.

26. He's a great friend. Even when people aren't the best at being friends back. He can see around it to the way they are "trying" and give them the benefit of the doubt and all these other things I never think to do.

27. He is the better half.

33 weeks

Last night, my husband slept on the couch. I'm sure this is due to several small factors of being 33 weeks pregnant. I am uncomfortable and require lots of rolling over and stacking pillows...so his territory on the bed has gradually gotten smaller and smaller. Also, I have a very low tolerance for his snoring now and it can keep me up all night. It probably doesn't help that I get up to go pee three times a night only to come back to bed and rustle around for another 20-30 minutes. What can I say? I love a man who'll take one for the team.

33 weeks pregnant has brought a few interesting things with it. For instance, everyone tells you the baby will put it's foot into your lung under your ribs. No one talks about the long baby that puts it's whole leg on the outside of your rib cage just under your skin and then hangs there upside down like batman having a nice little rest. That was very alarming the first time it happened. Not that it hurt, because it didn't/doesn't but just no one had told me that it could happen.

Also discovered in this week of pregnancy was the exact feeling of having someone push their little tiny head into your pelvic bone. On the upside I know that this is prep for labor and at some point I'm going to be all stretched out and ready to go. On the downside, it makes you have to pee. Not that "hey I need to pee" sort of feeling...more the "holy heck I had to go pee 2 minutes ago, pee pee dance in the hallway feeling."

So depending on who you ask I'm either 33 or 34 weeks along. Fun no? I have no idea when I'm due but I do know that next week will probably be my last week at work and I can't wait for that part to be slightly resolved. There is something to be said for having no money but being able to sleep in.

I have a blood test next week and a OBGYN appt on the 4th...that appointment will tell me whether I keep working or not. Wish me luck.

HoHoHo Annonymous

I really think there should be a support group for people like me. People who are planning their holidays even though it's only August 29th. HoHoHo Annonymous- that's what I'd call it. It would have great attendance, women with piles of shopping catalogs and laptops with lots of saved links. We could decorate the room in July and leave it up until Christmas then we'd rip it down and start planning for the next July. The whole place would smell like pine trees and cinnamon and you could faintly hear the Christmas classics playing in the background.

But, there isn't a group for people like me. So instead of enjoying my pre-Christmas planning bug I spend a lot of time pretending like I'm not secretly planning what to get people. I've gotten decent at it. And stashed in my purse there is already a list of the people I'm going to shop for and I've even crossed a few people off because I'm ::gasp:: already done with them.

Last month I asked you to make a list of the people you need to shop for. This month will be even harder... make a list of things you do and don't want to do this holiday that you put yourself through. Then tape it to your fridge. Seriously!

It's time to change Christmas into something you enjoy. Wanna see part of my list? I know you do...

I do want to spend Christmas day in my own home with my own family.

I don't want people to feel obligated to come to my house, so if they have other family options I'd honestly prefer they go there.

I do want to get something great for my husband and my daughter.

I do not want to spend any time at Day after Thanksgiving sales.

I do want to eat turkey.

I do not want to cook turkey.

So what about your list??

SheHaddaBabyItzaGirl!

M and G are now the proud parents of a baby girl born today (8-22) at 3:15 a.m. She's a big girl 9 lb 6 oz which runs in G's family (our family--lord help me) and she's 22 inches long. She has a full head of dark hair. She had a natural birth after being induced and she's already gotten a good latch for breastfeeding. We're all very proud. I'll post a picture once I see her today. I will not be posting her name because I think that's personal and the parents should have control over whether or not that happens.

My niece ended up having a sleep over at our house so her mommy could be at the birth. Nine month olds are so stinking cute. She spent most of her time crawling the entire surface of our house while my poor husband chased her. She woke up bright and early and had a bottle while torturing him in bed (for good measure) while I got ready for work. She's a cutie too.

I'm tired. Very very tired. Other than that... it's all rosebuds and baby girls on this side of the US.

Someone's Having a Baby

No not me...well I am... but not today.

My sister-in-law (M) is being induced this morning. Her due date isn't until the 27th but she's had hypertension and been very uncomfortable for awhile now (all swollen and pregnant like) so they are going to pop her and see what happens.

We're expecting a baby girl some time this afternoon or tomorrow morning. Keep her in your prayers...it's her first and from what I hear being induced makes it much more uncomfortable.

Like a River

Infertility changes the way you view your life. Knowing that something so bleak as death is shadowing your internal organs and preying on your unborn children gives you a great understanding of how fragile life is.

Sometimes you recognize this understanding of how delicate the circle is...sometimes you hear it in your voice as you tell the story of others. You become cautious with your hope. You become careful with your wording. You become, scared.

I never refer to the baby I am carrying as my "miracle child" because although she is a miracle, her being a miracle is not a result of my infertility but instead a result of God's ability to create life. The fact that he can create life is unbelievably cool, but like most things tainted by infertility

I do not think that his ability to create life in me is any better or worse than than he made ants able to carry more than their own body weight or made it possible for penguins to survive despite unspeakable odds.

For this reason, my pregnancy has been spent with me uttering constantly how much harder I expected it to be. I expected what I knew, loss and pain. I did not expect life, or the cycle that leads to it to be so...well... non-dramatic. Perhaps this is why when my sister-in-law acts like the world is ending or my friend complains about her swollen feet I can't help but feel like I've got the inside edge.

While infertility taught me to fear death it also gave me this appreciation for creating life. This weekend I spent a good deal of my time having back labor and whining in the fetal position. But, never once did I feel sorry about it. Infertility has changed me...now that foot in my rib is a sign that someone has feet. And that back labor, it's a sign that a little life in me is about to become a life of it's own.

While my hopes run higher than they ever had, I know it's going to be hard. I know that it will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but unlike the hardness of losing an unborn child or the difficulty of trying to create a life against all odds it will be just a day...a day in my life that I will make it through because I've made it through things just as bad and it too will change me.

Birth will wash away parts of me that I thought were solid ground and it will brush up against things I never noticed about myself. I will wonder at some point after it is all over if I am still the same person. I won't be the same person. I'll be a person changed by life, instead of death this time.

Going Nuts!

Last night, I co-ordinated a company picnic for my work which involved a BBQ, kids activities and tickets to see the Modesto Nuts play the San Jose Giants (both minor league teams in our local area).

The event was a huge success, everyone had fun that I talked to and for the first time the spouses and kids of our employees got to see some of the fun side of working for the small company that I work for. I was proud of myself. I had a great time talking to employees and spouses and watching the game.

The thing is... I spent most of the time at the game missing my dad. My dad and I shared many summers of little league baseball games where he coached and I kept score. The smell of the hot-dogs and nachos, the cool night breeze, the crack of the bat and the yell of the crowd. That will always be one of those places that makes me homesick.

I called my dad this morning just to see how he was. He'll never know why. He'd probably think I was nuts if I told him anyhow. And then I got online to look at baseball tickets next year...because I'm so going to buy tickets for my daddy to take my daughter to her first baseball game.

32 weeks

People tell me that the third trimester is supposed to hit you like a load of bricks. I don't know about that but what I do know is that sometime in your month eight of pregnancy you get really tired of having heartburn and you start wondering what it would be like to not have to go pee.

Eight months pregnant. Phew. That seems like such a big thing to say considering when we started we had barely a chance of a baby surviving. I am tempted every once in awhile to drive back to that first OBGYN who told me this baby was doomed and place his hand on my stomach while the baby practices to be a soccer all star and ask him if he really thinks that it wouldn't be worth "all the work" still.

I have 11 work days left till I am out on Maternity Leave (hypothetically) and I am sort of looking foward to being able to sleep if I am tired and be awake when I am not (even if when I am awake is 3 am). I am also looking forward to not worrying about my boobs leaking something while I'm at work. I worry about that a lot...being as they have started leaking something whenever they feel like it.

Then there are the things I am looking forward to that are a little further out. Like sex. Seriously, being on pelvic rest for 8 months is just cruel and unusual. I think I vaguely remember sex... I might have seen it on TV once. If it weren't for the fact that I know I had to have it in order to make this baby I would think I haven't done it in years.

I'm also looking forward to being able to bend over without feeling like there is a little tiny head in my lungs. Turns out it's not a head though... it's a butt. There is a butt in my lungs people. Can you imagine?

And I want a margarita. But you already knew that.

When the Landlord is a Punk

Today my landlord from the old house called me and basically accused me of not paying rent from December-March because he couldn't find canceled checks. So with two hours before I meet him to get my deposit back I had the poor hubby digging through bank records and coming up with proof that I obviously paid rent.

The funniest part about this is that I would have been evicted 100 times fold if I hadn't paid rent for 4 months so he has to know I paid it. I mean he owns a property managment company...they aren't going to let something like that slide.

For the most part I have proof. But in March I used a money order due to some banking issues with my paychecks from work. If he takes that out of my deposit I'm going to raise holy heck. Of course I can't find proof of that payment anywhere because that would be too easy.

In the meantime someone is fixing our cable internet finally at home so it's down and the hubby can't look at the online banking to help me.

What a mess!

Isn't moving fun.

I was the filler friend

Have you ever had to battle your own assumptions about why you think someone is doing something?

Ya...

I hate that part too!

I know I should give someone the benefit of the doubt, but that's the problem with doubt... you can't find the benefit when you are in it.

Good stuff... wondering...

Good. Intentions

I had every intention of putting up pictures of the new house and nursery today but our email is still down at home and I didn't bring my camera cord with me to work so I guess you'll all have to wait that out a little while longer.

Today has been a long work day. I had a lot of stuff to get done and I have a client meeting this afternoon so my day is shot from 2:00 p.m on. I should expect that to be a regular occurance from now until I get off on maternity leave I suppose. But it's less than 20 days out so I think I can manage.

Things just keep randomly jumping into my schedule and I can't seem to ward them off. Like the cable guy who came to fix my internet last night. He stayed a whopping 6 minutes and then scheduled someone else for today. Inconvenience...that's what the cable company is all about.

Or perhaps you can get a good laugh out of the fact that during the last 4 minutes of my lunch break I squeezed my cup too hard and blasted myself with soda so I had to run home really fast and change before I came back in. I don't think a client will feel I'm very professional if I'm covered in food, have swollen feet and smell of Del Taco.

Things just keep coming up... every day. But, I guess that's what adult life is about. I suppose it's very adult for someone to shatter your world and then to write you an email like nothing ever happened. I suppose it's very adult to want to smother the cable guy. I suppose it's very adult to need to pay bills tonight. I guess I was just hoping to spend a week acting like I was 7. I suppose that's the most adult thing of all...wanting to be a kid again.

The Nest- Our Moving Story

So, the hubby and I had both taken Friday off from work. Friday morning came and we went to get our keys. After picking them up we got a u-haul (not the one we ordered but a u-haul is a u-haul right?) and headed in two seperate directions to start our day.

I went to the new house to get the air conditioning fired up and to unload the two closets worth of stuff we had put in my car the night before and Jon went to the old house to start loading large objects by himself because we were without help. After 45 minutes of unloading I went back to the old house and picked up another car load of random stuff light enough for me to unload and the cat and headed to the new house again while my husband kept on loading heavy objects by himself.

On my 2nd trip back to the old house we called Jon's brother (who despite having a very important police academy post test) the next day and his mother who came to our rescue. The MIL helped load small objects into her car and followed me (as I drove Jon's car which we had loaded the night before with most of the kitchen items) to the new house. While the MIL and I unpacked the new kitchen and two cars the boys loaded big items into the truck for a few more hours (Jon had a lot done so it was actually pretty fast once the BIL was there). Then they came to the new house and started unloading stuff and putting it where-ever I pointed.

The MIL had to go get started on a family dinner for that night so she left and the boys unloaded...and then unloaded some more. Then the hubby took the u-haul back to the old house to start putting things in it that were left in the house (mostly smaller stuff- they got all the furniture in one load) and the BIL went to help. I called them at 5:45 and they stopped. The hubby came back to get me and the BIL went to get his wife and we all went to dinner at my MIL.

I had been unpacking for several hours (while putting up with the cable people) and that combined with a lack of eating made it the best taco dinner I've ever had. Then the hubby and I went back to the old house to keep loading a u-haul. After about 45 minutes the MIL and the other BIL showed up and took stuff out to the u-haul and our cars in mass quantity. By this point I was having contractions on a regular basis so I mainly pointed at things, breathed heavily and looked pathetic.

Then once the house was completely empty we drove to the new house and did the same process in reverse, this time with me draped over a couch and breathing heavy. I had contractions till 3 am (for the record).

Once everything was unloaded the MIL and BIL2 left and we puttered around a bit. I did an excellent job of unpacking some stuff in my pjs and then I went to bed. I ended up on the couch at 5 am due to the hubby snoring. The next morning we both woke up incredibly early (7:30 am) and we decided to get some stuff done. Hubby set up the TV and then he set up the PC, then he ran to home depot... the whole time I unpacked. I decorated. I unpacked some more.

Around 11 am the hubby took the u-haul to the old house and started packing up the storage shed by himself. Several hours later when he had loaded the whole thing and looked near death he arrived back at home to find the bedroom, livingroom and kitchen completely set up. I had gone to the grocery store and made dinner...so we ate. My BIL having completed his POST test came over and helped unload the last of the u-haul with the hubby while his wife and I visited on the couch for a little bit.

When they left we got a small second wind. The small second wind resulted in some more stuff being put away. Then I went to bed. I woke up around 3 am having contractions for about an hour and then moved to the couch because the snoring and the cat were driving me crazy. I woke up Sunday morning to the hubby assembling the nursery furniture for me. My hands were so tight from moving things all day that I had to take off my rings and spent part of the day wondering if they would ever go back to normal size.

After some touch up paint and some handy craftsmanship the nursery was another room we could knock off the list. Then we went around the house putting up artwork and talking about where things had ended up.

We made a trip to return the u-haul, stopped by the old house to apply some patch paint over the putty covered holes from the day before and made a quick run to target. When we got home I made lunch and then we went right back to work, hanging things up.

The rocker-recliner I had ordered came in so my husband called the BIL again and they set off in the BIL truck to get my chair. After they put it together they went to Target to look at rugs and to the Home Depot to get dry wall anchors and hung the rest of my stuff.

The BIL and I watched a little food network while I cooked dinner, his wife and son came over and we all ate. Somewhere in that time my husband set up his office/man room. They hung out until about 8 last night and then I went to bed.

I slept till 3 am when I had to go pee and then I spent 3 hours staring at my poor husband who was tired, had worked hard and was snoring because of a cold... and contemplated socking him because he was keeping me up. But by the time I got fed up enough to make a change in the sleeping arrangment it was time to get up. So I've been up since around 4:30 this morning and I'm at work now.

I'm moved. I'm sore. My husband has a cold. None of our friends helped so he gets to sound like the lone ranger when he talks about moving and that's about the whole story.

I'm sure I left some things out like the automatic sprinklers scaring me at 2 am on Saturday night, or the part where the gate was locked and we didn't have a key, or the part where the cable internet isn't working properly or the part where the pipes knock for a good 3 minutes straight when you use the dish-washer... but those things don't matter as much as the fact that the air conditioning works, I have a nursery and I'm all moved.

ahh.. Nesting... done and done.

31 Weeks...Give or Take

This weekend we are moving. I know, I know I think I've said that about 20 times on here at least but what makes this a landmark topic is that I'm still not allowed to lift more than 15 lbs and Jon has hardly anyone to help him... so this is going to suck.

At 31 weeks pregnant I have "false labor" every time I over do it, or get hot, or stretch to far. False labor for me involves 1-4 hours of random contractions which may or may not hurt but at the very least scare me and make it hard to sleep when bed time comes around.

I'm not looking forward to it.

32 weeks will be much much better.

5 Things Meme

5 Things in my refrigerator:
1. almost a half gallon of 2% milk
2. a produce drawer of questionable quality
3. lots of pepsi
4. almost every condiment you can name
5. things that will be thrown away when we move tomorrow, like outdated salad dressings and left over lunch meat

5 Things in my car:
1. baby clothing I bought at a yardsale for $2.00
2. things for my sister-in-laws baby shower
3. a pair of dress shoes and a nice shirt in case I end up with a work meeting
4. lip gloss & hair ties
5. one of those little trees that makes everything smell like coconut

5 Things in my purse or backpack:
1. a little calendar that will keep track of me while I'm on maternity leave
2. tickets to a Modesto Nuts baseball game next Friday
3. my camera and cell phone because now that I'm pregnant I don't leave home without them
4. a granola bar I'm going to eat any minute now
5. three kinds of lipstick/lipgloss

5 Things in my closet:
1. a laundry basket filled with shoes
2. two softball bats, one of which has a weight on it
3. overflowing mounds of clothing that needs to be packed tonight
4. a sleeping bag
5. two boxes of things that never had a home in this house

5 Things in the world I want to see before I die:
1. my kids living a fulfilled life
2. europe
3. peace on earth
4. someone who actually looks good in a mullet
5. each continent

You put the lime in the coconut

I have been making jokes since I got pregnant that the son to be godfather of my child will have to sneak a margarita into the hospital for me when I give birth so I can celebrate in style with the one thing that I have craved all summer long. And no...a virgin margarita is not the same. And yes... I am planning on breast-feeding but one drink will not kill a baby.

So now I've been working on the birth plan. I figure I should get that done being as if I don't do it now I'll probably never do it. The thing is... I don't have a plan. I mean I don't even have a clue about what sort of plan I really really really want. I know a few things I don't want.

I don't want an IV. They freak me out. Which in proxy means I don't want an epidural or a catheter because those things require an IV. I don't want to touch anyone's head while they are crowning, I don't want to watch my crotch on pay per view via a mirror or tv monitor. I don't want to cut anyone's cord (nor does my husband for that matter).

I do want to curse when I feel like it. I want to make a lot of sarcastic comments without being judged and if at all possible I'd like to break a few rules and stray from the ice chips regimen my OBGYN seems to think is necessary to make healthy babies.

That's not really a plan though, is it? See my problem... what do you guys think...can you really make a birth plan.

The Closer You Get The Further I Fall

I grew up in the land of the Oakridge Boys, Alabama and the sounds of classic rock mixed with country boy flair. There is a part of me that always flashes back to my childhood filled with the scent of fresh cut alfalfa playing in the back yard with the sprinklers on the swingset so it wouldn't get so hot it burnt my bottom and the little gnats flying around the yard pestering the dog to the point that she snapped at the air.

Today I saw a bumper sticker on a big chevy truck that said "the music holds my memory" and I laughed. The little sticker was so philosophical and held such a big thought for what I would stereotype as a good ole boy truck. But then when I thought about it longer I realized most of the music that holds a memory for me is the kind that came with dirty work boots, grease stained jeans and burnt BBQ.

When it comes to remembering my father (not that he's more than 10 blocks away most of the time) usually the music holds my memories. Something in a song I remember hearing while putting peanuts in my coke and sitting on a beach towel while bumping down a dirt road reminds me of the way he sings to the radio. Something in a song I remember hearing while watching him coach little league baseball in the summer sun, smelling of tropical banana boat lotion and thinking I knew everything about keeping score reminds me of his patience. Something in a song I remember as I danced and laughed at my wedding reminds me of his grace.

Something in a song...the music holds my memory.

Oh My OBGYN

The one hour glucouse test is awful. It involves drinking yucky things and getting poked with needles. I didn't complain about it when they made me take it because every woman has to take one. But, they lost my results. So I have to take it again... and damn it this time I'm going to complain.

Sept 4th will officially be my last day at work. Got that paperwork today. Look out short term disability...here I come. I am looking forward to a month of not being comfortable and watching bad tv while craving things I can't eat because of the heartburn because that's what everyone tells me I have to look forward to.

I put on 4 pounds. This officially puts me back at the weight I started this pregnancy at. He said by the time I give birth I'll probably be about the same as I started. He's a cute little stuttering OBGYN and I think I like him.

She's head down now. Appearantly, she decided sitting on her rump wasn't fun anymore. That's a good thing because babies sitting on their rump get c-sections and we don't want that. He said that's probably why I keep getting winded at Target... she's probably kicking my lungs and because of my high pain tolerance I'm not complaining just winded.

He said if she stays head down I might actually get to go to full term. Who knew? Um... I did... remember when I used to make jokes about how I was going to spend months worrying about pre-term labor and then she'd be late... apparently she thinks that's a grand idea.

Oh and moving... he said none of that for me. So sorry hubby... but the boxes all have your name on them. Just remember... it's not my fault...blame the baby.

30 weeks

The counter in my sidebar is set to the latest due date that I was given. If you use Oct 2nd as my due date (which is the one they tell me all the time now) I'm at 31 weeks and 3 days. I never mention that date really because I'd rather think of the baby as early than late. But the truth of the matter is when I go to those "what to expect" sites I have symptoms and signs much more like someone at 31 weeks and 3 days than I do of someone at 30 weeks.

I have 6 stretchmarks. They are like a starburst from my bellow button, exploding out in every direction instead of striping up and down like a zebra. I have only had swollen feet twice this whole pregnancy and once was after a full day walking at the fair. After that same full day at the fair I had contractions for 4 and a half hours. But, it was a false alarm I guess because it stopped. I managed not to wake my husband and drive myself to the LDR so I'm pretty proud of that.

They tell me that by the end of this week the baby would weigh around 3.5 pounds if I were 31 weeks instead of 30. She's past that. So either way she's going to be a healthy girl. They tell me that by now it is ok to have put on about 20 pounds but I'm still about 8 pounds under the weight I started out. So far I've put on 7 pounds since I started gaining instead of losing. I get heartburn from drinking water and my backaches by the end of the work day. Never so bad I can't function and I don't really mind it most of the time.

All in all, I've got 10 weeks left... hopefully max. I don't feel tired of being pregnant yet although I am tired of going pee every hour on the hour. Really, this pregnancy thing isn't as bad as people make it out to be. Oh... and for the countdown... 30 days till I'm off work on Maternity leave.

When Reactions Require Actions

Apologies lose value when you give them all the time for everything. It's not good enough to always be sorry. Sometimes you actually have to be accountable. You are toxic and I not willing to poison myself with your bitter love.

It is not what you didn't provide that makes me angry, it's that you think it's ok to make me feel guilty for wanting a relationship with you when I was born into a relationship with you and it is my God given right to have one.

You call on the phone and my heart explodes, shattered shards of glass scatter themselves around my feet and I stumble away cutting myself further as I try to minimize my emotional response because you have told me that I have no right to it. But my perception of life is my reality and my emotions are not yours to command around.

You have replaced me with your perception of family. You have abandoned your own kind and become someone new. That is your right, to change and adapt and become a new you. But it is my right to walk away if I do not want to know the new you anymore.

You asked me once what the Christian thing to do was? It was to love you and to forgive... but not to forget. God doesn't make me forget that I can be loved well. So, I'm going to spend my time with people who love me well... and when you remember how you used to do that...give me a call...

I'll be here... praying that you've finally figured it out.

You Say Lughnasadh I Say Lammas

August 1st marks the first day of pagan harvest. Today is one of the four major pagan holidays, this particular holiday is called Lughnasadh. For the Celts this holiday marked the day that harvest was brought in, the first day of fruits and vegetables and the start of the out-door market and festival season.

Lughnasadh was a celebration of the hard work of summer, a time of handfastings and gatherings of family and friends. Lughnasadh was a reminder that life was still turning in full circle and an acknowledgement of what nature had provided to help everyone survive the next winter.

When the Gaelic people started converting to Christianity (in various forms) most of Northern Europe changed the holiday to Lammas or loaf mass which was the day you brought your first loaf of bread from your autumn harvest with you to church and presented it to your landlord as proof that you were properly tending to the crops provided to you. The landlord would then give the loaf to the church as an offering and there would be a huge festival to celebrate bounty of crops and fresh food that was soon to follow.

One of the strangest things about converting to Christianity for me was people's sudden belief that I would have to alter all my holidays. Most pagan holidays and Christian holidays happen around the same times and are celebrated in very very similar ways (also Christianity was a part of my childhood so Christmas and Easter never left my holiday list). There are only two exceptions, Lammas and Samhein.

Last year at Samhein I didn't do much, I stayed home with family. I was unsure of where the line stands between celebrating a holiday and enjoying a tradition. It was like I feared making God angry even though I knew he was a loving and forgiving God who would know I was trying to find my way. So I hid for an entire holiday.

Lammas so far is easier to adjust to. A celebration of the circle of life today I said extra prayers for the people in my family both new and old, for my unborn child and for my upcoming move. I don't have a crop so I won't be making bread but I did stop by the church this morning and make a small offering to the homeless program. My "loaf" so to speak won't feed many at their next Sunday celebration but it is my offering.

The thing I am learning about Christianity is that God is all about your intentions. I intend on celebrating the circle of life that God has planned for me today as I focus on the little things that he has brought to me...my own personal harvest of hope, love and grace.