Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sometimes I think God & My In-laws hate me

There was a bid this week at work where a position that paid the same amount as mine came up for bid. Money being tight recently since Jon's job is only part time with not great hours sometimes, high childcare expenses and a house payment this looked like the only opportunity I would have any time soon to get off the overnight shift. The overnight shift, simply put, is killing me. Just ask my Dr who tells me constantly I need to switch to a shift that allows me a normal sleep pattern for my lupus.Plus the overnight shift is ruining my relationship with my husband, my time with my two small children and makes everything from school to drs appointments very difficult. The only way I could get the shift was if no one else bid because I had some swine flu absences last year and this position bidding is based entirely on attendance and not on anything else. Taking time off for my kids last year screwed me because if you are on the night shift and everyone's ill you have to call in sick or be up 24 or more hours. No one wanted it when I bid but on the last day someone else decided to bid. She has no kids, no school, no husband but needed the $2 an hour pay increase it would give her and as I knew it would, it knocked me right out of the running.

I haven't spent one minute of this lupus experience mad at god but that schedule bid I prayed so hard for, it has knocked me right odd my knees. Constant pain combined with knowing I am stuck in a life situation is crippling my faith. Meanwhile, Jon is stuck at working waiting for the last step off a possible position change for him that would allow me to bid off the night shift but there is no end in sight for that right now and so I can't even bid for the other girls shift in good faith.

I have debt... Personal, medical... I can't take a pay cut when I am not making ends meet now. God may love me but I do not see how this life situation reflects him liking me.

It's sort of the way I feel about Jon's side of the family. They think I am ok because its the Christian thing to do but they don't love me. They must not because eventually they have all thrown out an opinion about something they've been judging me on since they met me. Like the conversation 3 years ago when my mother in law told me she doesn't understand how honest I can be after praising my honesty in the passed or the sister in law we supported through bad life decisions and was positive to until she started handling her own junk jumping my shit over the fact that I curse in front of my kids. I have a father in law who seemed to like me until his kids all started talking to him again. I guess I just don't understand them. And after 5 years I think I have to let go of the hope I ever will.

I just feel like I can never be me. Thanks for becoming a Christian enjoy the life of Job while acting like you can manage because God has your back.

But I can't manage. Just so you know. Last week I tried to tell my mom how bad I am taking my feelings at the moment and it blew back at me like sand in a wind storm. I miss having someone to talk to who got me, this year I feel JB's death to the core of me. In a room full of people I feel alone and judged and like it is my responsibility to make it ok for my kids sake. I don't trust anyone or anything not even myself. In the end, maybe that's why they don't like me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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