Wednesday, January 31, 2007

If I'm NOT infertile then why does the Dr call it INFERTILITY

I got a comment on an old post that leads me to think that people need to know more about the difference between wanting a baby and not having any other option if you want to have a baby ever. Perhaps some people think that this is a choice I made all on my own but it wasn't. This was a medical thing, a huge discussion that keeps happening daily with my husband and a life choice that we strongly stand behind. You see I have SL...

Stein-Leventhal syndrome is an endocrine disorder that affects 5–10% of women. It occurs amongst all races and nationalities, is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility. Stein-Leventhal Syndrome is a version of PCOS or poly cystic ovarian syndrome. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly between women. This is my website so we'll be talking about my symptoms and my experience with the health issue. If you wish to obtain more information there are several sites online that provide information or you can see your primary care physician.

For me the symptoms include amenorrhea (absent menstrual periods), anovulation (lack of ovulation), infertility, frequent miscarriages, elevated androgen levels, central obesity (center lower half of the torso) acne, ovarian cysts, pelvic pain, short LH, hyperinsulinemia and lipid metabolism. All of my symptoms have been confirmed by my primary care physician or fertility specialist.

There are several reasons SL is a real pisser. Most of them can be summed up with medical terms like endometrial cancer and type II diabetes (which people with SL are at a higher risk for and luckily I have no signs of) and a higher risk of miscarriage or early hysterectomy due to problems with cysts and uterine lining. Those things scare me especially with the infertility issues I face with anovulation and miscarriage already at a young age. My mother also had SL before it was a regular diagnosis; she had a hysterectomy at a very young age after facing miscarriages and still-birth.

Medical treatment of SL is tailored depending on the patient's goals. My goal is the restoration of ovulation and fertility so we're starting with metformin and then we'll move on to clomid if needed. In cases of clomiphene resistance, injections of follicle stimulating hormone may be used. Some women with SL do not see any results from these treatments...but initial research also suggests that the risk of miscarriage is significantly reduced when metformin is taken throughout pregnancy (9% as opposed to as much as 45%); however, this research was done on women with normal progesterone levels which I do not have. I will need progesterone from the moment I conceive until the pregnancy is stable.

For patients who do not respond to insulin-sensitizing medications and who wish to achieve pregnancy there are other options available such as IVF and IUI but Jon and I have decided that path is not for us. If this path that we're on doesn't work we will stop trying and switch to adoption as a method of having a child of our own. We have also decided that if this path has not seen results in 2 years we will stop investing in it and research the venue of adoption. But we strongly feel we should pursue having a child now while it's still an option.

My right ovary is atrophied and no longer functions. This is due to prolonged SL. Given my family history, the lack of ovulation history, my first miscarriage and the state of my right ovary my Dr believes that if I am not willing to do IVF I have 1-1 1/2 years to have a baby before my left ovary is no longer functioning as well. At this point, there would be nothing left he could do for me on the baby front. For this reason, we are actively treating my SL to reduce the physical symptoms but he has recommended also actively pursuing a baby.

The next step is always discussed between Jon and me. We usually come to the same conclusion but if we don't I always leave the deciding factor to him as he is the man of the house and we are a Christian family As for right now, Jon and I believe it would be naive to bank on time we know we don't have so we've already started Metformin with the idea of using Clomid near the back of our minds. Both of those recommendations, by the way, came from my Dr and not from someplace random. Our decision has always been based on that of an informed healthcare provider who believes we have a limited plank to walk before we take the plunge into permanent anovulation.

Did we think this would be the first thing we would worry about as newlyweds? Nope. But when it came up we started talking through it together. It's naive to assume that just because someone is newlywed that they can't deal with an issue like this one. Because people don't deal with issues like this because they want to and they feel they need to, most of the time they deal with them because they have to and they have no other choice.

I have a health issue. I can't relax it away. A puppy won't cure it. Adopting and going on vacate won't increase the odds of things working. Spending quality time together isn't abandoned for it (we're still having fun/taking trips) and it's not putting us into financial strain. If you knew us well enough you'd know that already... you really would... and you wouldn't feel the need to define me and what I am doing with my husband to make yourself feel better.

It's called infertility for a reason. American Heritage Dictionary defines it as follows:

in·fer·til·i·ty (ĭn'fər-tĭl'ĭ-tē) n.
1. Absent or diminished fertility.
2. The persistent inability to conceive a child.

So as for me and my husband...we'll going to take my absent periods and my diminished ovary and our persistent inability to carry a conceived child to full term and we're going to call it exactly what's it called...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Kind Blogs Sometimes Fake It

I want to post something brutually honest that could me mean but I made a commitment to the Kind Blog Blogroll several months ago and I haven't written a mean post since. Instead I'm going to tell you about what else you're going to see here on the site this week...

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I am going to post about Stein Leventhal Syndrome because I think it might be informative for someone in Turlock.

Thursday I'll be doing the Thursday 13 where i will be listing 13 things Newlyweds do

Friday I'll be posting a themed post about throwing an awesome Movie Night

Saturday & Sunday I will be offline due to the weekend and not having email at home right now. (GaSp!!)

In other related news, a friend of mine told me I need to have a disclaimer... so here is your official notice. I can see you!! Due to the site meter on this webpage (which has been there since Oct) I can tell a lot of things about you. For instance, how you found my site, when you leave a comment, where you read, what webpage you came from, what webpage you go to when you leave, how long you stay, where you are from (City name & State & even a map of your home if you're on a good service provider), what service provider you use and sometimes if you have DSL I even get your IP address. It's mainly for research purposes so I know how many readers I have etc.... but I do have a big brother look out post... and now you know.

Lastly, we're planning a trip to Hawaii in 2008 so I want to know if any of you stayed at an all inclusive resort, if you liked it? hated it? etc... leave it in the comments or send me a link to your post about it. Thanks!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Menu Monday

Hey it's Monday... let's try that menu thing again. It didn't work out too well last week because we ended up eating at home Sunday because we had $20 to our name and eating birthday dinner for my dad at La Morenita on Saturday but it's still worth a shot.

Monday- Chicken Cilantro Soup with Noodles
Tuesday- Steak & Grilled Veggies
Wednesday- Rosemary Chicken and brocolli
Thursday- Thursday night I'm having a scrap book thing for some girls I know. Hopefully, we'll have a decent turn out. It starts at 7 and so I need a quick dinner to fit into the slot between 6 when Hubby gets home and 7. I'm thinking grilled cheese and tomato soup.
Friday- Penne Pasta with Cream Sauce & Shrimp, Salad & Homemade bread (I'm thinking about inviting the Mom2 (mother in law) to dinner.
Saturday- eating out
Sunday- I'm going to try making Paella at some point. Probably Sunday. Wish me luck!!

Wednesday nights used to be an eat out night but I have given up working in the church baby nursery for awhile due to the fact that I'm struggling with hope and holding little babies makes me want to walk in front of a bus (with the exception to those who are my own kin).

Same Old Song & Dance

When my God-daughter was about 3 her father got very sick. She would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking he had died (something that years later when he did die never happened once). He would assure her over the baby monitor that he was fine. He would sing to her Baby Mine.

After he died, singing Baby Mine became my job. At first I sang it in my apartment cradling her to me and rocking with the sound of the wind through the sliding glass door at night to put her to sleep. Then I sang it into a CD which she took with her to Texas and sometimes even now I sing it to her over the phone when she is upset.

"sing that song about me"

That's how you request Baby Mine when you are 6 years old. Of course it's about her... it's about all the babies I call mine. My nephew, my niece, my angels and my future children.

The wierdest part as the song has started to comfort me. I find myself humming it at work. Perhaps this song will be my anthem until I can have a baby of my own. Perhaps it is my hope for a Baby Mine.

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine

If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you

From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

This theme was brought to you by Mama Says Om.

Cooking in Crisis

My grandmother was a traditional old southern woman. When something went wrong you got a stiff drink and some good advice. When something went worse you got some company, prayers and the occassional helpful errand. When something went into crisis you got food, lots and lots of it. Good food. Stick to your ribs, lick it off your fingers, "darlin' we're gonna need some more whipping cream and another cup of coffee", bad for your diet good for your soul food.

Perhaps that's how I became a curvy woman. I associate food with so many things. I celebrate life with side dishes and mourn with the richest of desserts. The main thing that makes my comfort zone though isn't the casseroles brought over with love or the trips to a restraunt to share the big news.

For me, the love of food comes from making it. When I am sad and loss has gripped me I want nothing more than to make big meals for the people I love. If I want to get to know someone really well I invite them in to chop and peel. For me, the kitchen is where life gets summed up. In my life, the process is what heals us.

Am I grieving? Would you know it? Or would you assume that you're coming over to dinner because we always do? There isn't really a way to tell. Perhaps it's in what I cook. More likely it's in what I leave behind.

Perhaps for me the best gift after mourning loss is someone to do the dishes and mop the floor because the hurricane of cooking usually destroys any sign of order in my kitchen. When I'm bitterly upset and the world seems cruel I usually crave the worst things possible. The kitchen is left with a litter layer of potato peels, white bread crust and mayo jars is often the last sign that I feel alone. But I'm not alone, after all the peeling and baking I'm with you...eating... and I've cooked my way through the crisis.

Below are two of my favorite crisis food recipes (don't judge me based on my crisis diet) & one recipe I love to take to other people:

Okie Potato Sandwich

Peel 4 large idaho potatos and slice in 1/8 inch wide pieces the long way (a potato cut correctly will look like a slice of baguette)
Peel 1 large white onion and slice into rings (like for a hamburger)
Peel 3 cloves of garlic and slice paper thin

In a hot skillet melt 1/4 cup of butter and 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil. Layer potatos on the bottom of the pan and cook until both sides are golden brown. Then saute onions and garlic until tender.

Serve on white bread with the crusts cut off with ketchup.

Cream Tuna on Toast

In a medium heat large skillet place 2 tablespoons of butter, 1 chopped red onion, 2 cans of tuna and 1 clove of minced garlic. saute until onions are tender and tuna is slightly brown. Add 2 cans of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup (don't be cheap Campbells is the best) and one can of milk. Stir until cream sauce is heated thoroughly (it will be thick like gravy) serve over toasted bread.

Funeral Chicken (a name given to this recipe by my Great Aunt Jewel)

In a pan place a whole chicken.

In a bowl combine 1 cup fresh lemon juice (keep the rind and left overs), 2 minced garlic cloves, 2 tablespoons fresh rosemary and 1/4 of olive oil.

Pour the mixture all over the chicken, including the inside. Place 4 sprigs of rosemary, 2 garlic cloves and the left over lemon parts inside the chicken cavity.

Cover with foil and back at 325 until done.

Place chicken on a platter surrounded by rosemary sprigs and slices of lemon. Cover and take to the person who needs it. Usually I put mine in a basket with a bottle of wine, a bag of salad greens with some bleu cheese dressing and a baguette. Chicken will keep in the fridge for 5 days.

This topic was brought to you by a discussion over at Stirrup Queens.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Look What I Got!!!

The card read "My Beautiful Wife, You know the kinda warm, tingly feeling you get when the one you love just tells you they love you out of the blue? Well, get ready to get tingled. I love you. - The Luckiest Man Ever."

tingled.... officially tingled...

Girls Night Out

Do you know what a primary sign that you are an old married woman is? I do. It's when your idea of the perfect girls night out involves going to the craft store, picking up a new hobby and then going out for ice cream at Baskin Robbins where you get the exact same thing you always get and then talking long enough that your throat hurts and going home to your nice warm bed and your slightly frisky husband.

Last night was the perfect night for this old married woman... Michael's had some scrapbook stuff on sale, Baskin Robbins had the best customer service I've seen in awhile and my sister in law was the perfect company.

It was just what I needed. What do you need this week to make you relax?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Two 13's in one

Thirteen Things about Allie's week...times two

13 reasons my week sucked....

1. The cool girl in my office is out this week which means I have no real awesome assistant to help tow the line. I'm also understaffed by 2 people.
2. Payday isn't until next week.
3. I got a suprise second pap smear while at the Dr about getting a prescription.
4. I have to be on Metformin for 3 months before my Dr will start dealing with my infertility again.
5. Everyone else is pregnant... some of them have no life plan... and I get to watch.
6. We ran out of pepsi last night.
7. My best friend stood me up for a lunch date.
8. The check engine light came on in one of our cars and the smog is due.
9. It's not March yet.
10. I keep having very strange dreams.
11. I need a maid because I haven't mopped in 3 weeks.
12. We're actually having mac and cheese for dinner tonight.
13. I'm feeling rather pathetic.

13 reasons next week will not suck even if it kills me....

1. The cool girl at my office will be back and I will get to take her to a welcome back lunch on the company ticket. Yay free food.
2. Payday is fastly approaching and then I can go grocery shopping, fix that check engine light and pay rent.
3. My husband has a three day weekend so we can go out and do something fun like a trip to Old Town Sacramento or to the Monterey Bay Aquarium or just for a drive.
4. Grocery's mean I get to cook at home and I love to cook at home. Perhaps having friends over to eat and play a board game on our three day weekend.
5. I'm starting a scrap booking group with a bunch of girls that I'm friends with. Next week I get to call them all and confirm they are ready to start.
6. I've found some great new blogs like the Stirrup Queens and Not About You (available in the side bar links) which I can read back through the archives of if I get bored.
7. This new pill lists a side effect of weight loss. I mean I know I don't want to wait till March to get pregnant but I could use to lose a few pounds.
8. All our tax forms are ready to be entered into the system and we'll be getting a decent refund.
9. Our friend (known on this blog as Pickles) will be moving in to the room formerly known as the nursery. Serving as both a great distraction and a source of some extra spending money for a few months.
10. I've finally given this blog out to my family and Jon's family and some of our friends so we'll be getting closer to some people here.
11. Because this week there are two 13's on my list next weeks 13 is going to be even better.
12. Everyone else is pregnant and I get to possibly throw the coolest baby shower ever. Block theme anyone?
13. There's always hope.

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


It’s really amazing actually how you can feel like something should kill you and when it doesn’t how angry you are that it doesn’t leave a visible scar so that people can look at you and know that your broken beyond compare. Somewhere in the last week I have lost my ability to be “ok” and I’m not sure how to get it back. My prayers are now those of someone desperate not to be alone. I pray “Lord please find someone to hold my hope for me because I haven’t got the strength to carry around this mustard seed any more”…. and then there’s nothing… just like before… just a whole lot of nothing.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Hope List

I am the sort of person who makes lists. I think that's why things like Menu Monday and Thursday Thirteen appeal to me so much. I make to do lists and stick them to my desk in an array of post it note colors and I write on the back of envelopes while I am waiting in the back of the car. I am that person with the little notebook filled with half thoughts and shopping checklists in their purse. I like the comfort of knowing what I have completed, of crossing it off with a bold black line and I like knowing that's what's done is done. I micro manage my life lists...breaking them down into smaller items so that I can cross off more to feel like I got more done. I know that having more things crossed off will motivate me to do a little more. I like clearly outlined, clearly planned, clearly stated life plans. I like to feel like I know what's going on. I like control.

It's baffling really when you like control as much as I do and you can't get a grasp on one aspect of your life. I have a list of things I have done to make my fertility a non-issue, a check list of what will happen next and a wish list of things Dr's have told me might work. Today my doctor went from point A to point C on a map. Skipping B made me cry. It knocked him totally off guard as well. You see he's used to the Allie with the checklist. He thought a calm and rational version of Allie would be writing down plan C instead of panicing about plan B.

Plan B was to start fertility drugs if nature hadn't taken it's course and my ovulation was fairly normal. Plan C is focus more on the Stein Leventhal Syndrome and it's after effects and see if a baby happens before the late spring and it hasn't then move back to plan B. Plan C is all about patience and if you read this blog or you know me in real life then you know that patience isn't something I'm very good at.

"Let go and Let God" that's what one of my friends told me this week. Let him take away the burden and let him comfort me while I wait. I have a question for this friend though. Would God give you an obstacle? Is God doing this to me to teach me something or did this just randomly happen and now God is supposed to lull me through it like a hot bath and a couple of aspirin? What on earth am I letting go of...wanting to have a baby, making lists or having hope? What am I letting God have... my hope? Because that's really all I have left. Wasn't my hope a gift from God? Why then is it so small sometimes??

Monday, January 22, 2007

Menu Monday

I know a few other blogs do this already but as a new feature here I am going to be planning weekly menus and posting them on this website. If you want a recipe for anything just let me know.

Monday- possibly eating at the brother and sister in laws no dinner at home
Tuesday- Potato Leek Soup with Smoked Cheddar
Wednesday- Spaghetti dinner (it's my dad's birthday and he likes spaghetti alot so I'm inviting him over for dinner)
Thursday- Fish sticks & Mac and Cheese... I have a meeting at work on Thursday so dinner will be super late (the easier the better)
Friday- eating out (it's payday yo)
Saturday- shrimp and pasta
Sunday- eating out (it's an after church tradition)

Cell Hell

It's January 22nd and I'm putting Cingular on Santa's naughty list already. The hubby and I have been extremely happy with our service but have somehow gathered up over 9000 rollover minutes. So today I called in and evaluated the fact that our Family talk plan is really big. So I was going to make a smaller plan. If I go down a plan my rollover minutes are abandoned. What? Ya that's right if you change to a lower plan you give up all your rollover. Bastards. So I didn't change my plan yet because I'm sincerely thinking about canceling my service.

What would you do?

Friday, January 19, 2007

I Accept

The theme over at Mama Says Om this week is acceptance. Acceptance is one of those things I've learned a lot about since September when I got married. I'm talking about accepting the fact that my husband leaves his clothing on the floor next to his closet or accepting the fact that I will never ever be all the way caught up with the laundry and dishes at the same time. I mean coming to terms with a deeper, harsher, more internal version of acceptance.

I have been married for 4 and a half months and I have miscarried two times. Two little babies have come into my life and then slowly faded away into the arms of Lord. I am a mother with no children. I am a broken vessel. I bare no visible scar. You can't look at me on any given day and say "damn that had to hurt". You may never know from my laughing eyes and charismatic exterior that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to struggle with nature for awhile longer.

I concur that, I am not going to have an easy time procreating my family line. I undertake the responsibility of knowing that I will feel the joy of a pink plus more times than I feel the pain of childbirth. I respond to others that will become pregnant without trying and to knowing that some children will come into this world that who never wanted by sharing joy in their ability to do what I can not. I consent to this because I know with all my heart that one day I will be like Hannah in the book of Samuel.

Someday I will stand tall with my faith in being a mother, no longer a faith as small as a mustard seed. Perhaps that day will come after hearing the words "come on now just one more good push" or perhaps it will come after signing the dotted line in a courthouse that smells of dusty paperwork and old carpet. Whatever the way, I will someday have a child living in the room at the end of the hall. I understand the loss I will face and the joy I will know when that loss ends.

I live in constant acceptance that it will come and I too will be able to say "My heart rejoices in the LORD; in the LORD my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance."

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I love it when you make me smile

Happy Love Thursday. For more love thursday info please go here

13 Ways to Change the World

The hope of the new year shines out before us all like white paper in the front of our newly purchased journals. Hope expanding as far as the eye can see that this year will be different, this year the world will be a better place, this year will be "the one". The hope motivates us to eat better, live better, laugh better and love better. The power of hope is endless it motivates even the most dire of creatures to take just one more step. This year I challenge you to take one small step towards changing the world. Gather up the little pieces of hope around you, chorus them to your children, your husband and your friends. Together we can make the world a better place by starting with the little things. So this week I'm giving you the list of 13 things I'm trying to do to change the world.

1. Love the people I don't know.
I love the man who cut me off in traffic this morning. I love him because he is someone's son and God's creation and because if you can love someone almost killed you than you can love almost anyone.

2. Love the people I do know more.
I can love you without liking you very much right now. I really can. I think.

3. Find the grace or the humor in any situation.
So the girl drawing bloodwork from me this morning stabbed me 8 times to get one vial of blood. I have small veins. I started making jokes about being prepped for marinade. It made the girl next to me who was 3 shades of white laugh and they managed to find her vein without her passing out.

4. Start smiling.
I smile at everyone who walks past me. Sometimes I even say hi. It's a small way to change things but it's a smart start.

5. Take pride.
Pick it up and throw it away. Don't toss it out the window. Don't blame someone else and walk past it. Make the move. It's your planet.

6. Become involved.
A community is only as active as it's members. If you want the world to change you should probably start by being an active member.

7. Teach the children well.
Mocking birds could learn a thing or two from a three year old and so can we. The first time a child repeats what you say you become brutally aware of how you sound. I want to teach children to love well, have faith and try hard... not to swear at people who drive slow.

8. Believe.
I believe in God, the romantic kisses reflected in American cinema, the constant search for knowledge and wisdom and the healing power of friendship. Sometimes that's all that gets me through.

9. View every opportunity as a choice.
I pick what I do...granted sometimes I pick option B because option A is both a sin and a felony. But I pick. Not you. You may sway my vote but it's my vote so once I make it I have 100% buy in and I back it with everything I believe in.

10. Share your toys.
That includes your ideas, your ipod and your time. If it's yours give it away sometimes.

11. Share your memories.
Never underestimate the power of a well told story to stick in the mind of a child forever. I can tell you almost every story my grandmother ever told me. I use them as a moral meter. I tell them to others and through them history has value.

12. Give freely.
If you need it back don't give it away. A gift should contain no more expectation than that it will be recieved by someone.

13. Let your yes be a yes and your no be a no.
The bible gave us this one...well most of them...but this's pretty straight forward.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Spiritual Gifts

My Baptist grandmother was part Cherokee Indian. Despite believing with all her heart in the salvation of the Lord she also believed in the power of dreams. Dreams she said, where Gods way of motivating us. She believed in dreams because she had them. She had them about babies that weren't born yet, people who would die within the next week, every new job that anyone in my family ever had, the men we would marry and about bible verses people needed to know.

She'd wake up and she'd tell someone I had a dream that you needed to hear Joshua something or other... and then they'd say "I'd been praying about that".

That was Grandma. Then she died. Now it looks like it's going to be me. Not always. Not like her. In fact with the exception of marriage dreams about my current husband I have had them few and far between. Until now.

Now the guy in my office has been praying for a spiritual gift and mine has been going haywire. Last night I had a dream that the guy at work told the Pastor he had to read Psalm 9:18 then I woke up. I went back to sleep. I had the same dream about 14 times.

Psalm 9:18 "But the needy will not always be forgotten, nore the hope of the afflicted ever perish"

Why do we need to know that? I don't know. But we do...

And no... I'm not crazy.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Life is just a series of moments. Small little fractions of time that neither complete us or make us feel content. An infinity of time seems to stretch out before us. An infinite amount of possibilities and options, a sea of propositions both accepted and rejected and an endless supply of more.

More time, that ever dangerous, everlasting illusion that we know how much time we have. We know somehow that there will be more. We grasp for more time, we plan for more time and we use more time as an inevitable excuse and constant crutch for the things we know we should be doing in the now but choice to ignore. More time sustains us with the hope that tomorrow there will be that one small moment where we are caught up and we can be fulfilled with the knowledge that we will have conquered time. More time lingers in the back of our mind, it is a part of every plan and every probability we present to ourselves. We think we know so much about time.

But time knows us better than we know about it. Time keeps idling by watching us spend our little moments. Time smirks as we waste those series of moments on things that don't matter, arguing about things that won't matter in 40 years and thinking about things we'll never fully understand. Time knows we are living in an illusion. Time knows that it will always be moving forward and that at some point our little pieces of it will fade away and we will be left with the sudden realization that time has always been finite.

Time has always had a beginning, time will always contain an end and we are wasting it. We waste moment after moment worrying about the little things, holding on to the big things as they drag us along and wasting second after second of the dust like speck of time the Lord gave us to be on this earth.

We know what time knows. We watch the effects of time change the people we love. We watch things end unexpectedly, lives torn apart by that moment when time keeps going but your finite piece of it ends. We know what time holds for us, an end and a new beginning but we focus instead on the things we can not keep. We wait for time to slip past us and we hope that when it does we are ready for the salvation that never needing time again will hold.

We wait in secret acceptance that someday time will find us exactly where we need to be. Not realizing that we could be in that place right now. We never stop to think about where we are at, we focus instead on the next piece...tomorrow, next month, next year and when we retire...that's when we'll be able to focus on the moment. That's what we tell ourselves.

But the Lord is looking at us RIGHT NOW. What is he watching you do?

Monday, January 15, 2007

Yes, No, Maybe So

My body has failed me again. Before our vacation I took a positive pregnancy test... little pink plus lines faintly showed before me. I was overjoyed. I prayed long and hard. You see I can't go in for hormone shots if I'm going to be in SC for a week so I pray that this baby will hold on for 7 days while I am on vacation. Once while I am gone I pee on a stick... another faint pink plus... I am overwhelmed with hope. I pray harder and more. The day we come home I have a dream that I miscarry. The next morning I pee on a stick and it is negative. Again... I have failed. This time I take it in stride. I have no problem getting pregnant just staying that way. I cry only for the length of my shower time. I get dressed, tell the hubby and go to work.

Men are lucky, they get to be fairly detached from these things. He checks to see if I am ok...then eases back into a light slumber with the cat snuggled next to him. He knows we will keep trying. For him that's all that matters. I mention Foster Parenting sign ups... he isn't ready yet to start preparing for a loss of hope. I walk away unresolved.

I walk into work and the topic comes up in some way (something about me wanting to call in sick today) turns out both girls thought I might be pregnant when I stopped drinking pepsi at work. Go figure. We greive for a moment. We move on.

I text the two friends who knew. They are caring and compassionate. I don't know what to say so I say nothing. And I ready myself for the wait...

I wait for a period that will eventually come, I wait for the realization that it is completely over and I wait to try again... because I have to.

National Delurking Week

It's national de-lurking week which means it's time for those of you who live in the shadows of my blog to leave a little comment below so that I know you're out there. Come on it's easy...

While you're at it let me know if there is anything you'd like me to talk about on my blog and I'll see if I can get some new topics discussed...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I need a vacation from my vacation...

South Carolina is beautiful. I forgot how wonderful big grass yards and tall trees were. In 7 days I drank in the beauty of the winding roads and the southern hospitality. But I missed home. I missed my friends, my cat, my bed and most of all I missed the no smoking laws and modern freeway system that I am so acustom to. I missed you readers and the blogs that I read. I missed feeling connected and seeing things and doing things with wreckless abandon. I am home. I hugged the cat. I snuggled in my jersey sheets and I watched lots of old movies on cable snuggled in my favorite pjs and quilt on the couch. I missed it. I really did.

It's funny how as people we have let society tell us that you can't be content. Commercial after commercial, article after article and movie and movie tells us that we would be happy if only there was that one more thing. One more car, one more vacation, one more child, one more savings account, one more twinkie or one more glass of real Florida orange juice doesn't make us content. It just confirms our needy, greedy, "I want more" society based thoughts.

I am home and I can tell you now that I've lived in someone else's life for a week that more won't make you happy. More money won't give you better communication with your husband, more babies won't hide the fact that you're family isn't "all together", more pepsi won't calm your anxiety about being with people who you don't know how to cope with and more time won't make you feel like you got it all done.

More won't get you there. But by the grace of God love will. Patience is a virtue I do not possess but I have a loving hubby who knows how to make me smile and is willing to do the laundry when I don't feel well. I have a sister in law that can giggle in the face of another National Lampoons moment on my vacation and a brother in law that can say "that's nice, that's real nice" even if he's thinking something much more colorful. I have a nephew who is smarter and cooler than any baby I've ever known. And I am content to be at home, close to those I love and closer to God because now I know that he can get me through all the little things before they add up to one big mess.

Friday, January 05, 2007

I'm going now

So Long Folks...see you again in 7 days... I'm going on vacation...but don't worry I'll be back on the 14th.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Thursday 13 Favorite Secret Things

Thirteen Things about Allie

This is a list of my 13 favorite secret things

1. Hallmark Channel Movies- (ok so that's not a secret) every knows I like these but did you know that sometimes I spend an entire Saturday watching a Marathon of Sarah Plain and Tall or Love Comes Softly movies in my PJs. It's a horrible horrible addiction which leads me to neglect my housework, husband and sometimes even my hygiene.

2. Law & Order Marathons-The hubby and I have pretty much stopped watching prime time television entirely choosing to instead flip between the three channels with Law & Order on picking which ever episode is better (Criminal Intent, SVU or the original show). We know all the characters, most of the plots and can even tell you what other characters a given actor has been on a different version of the show..."hey wasn't she the serial killers wife in the episode with the dungeon?"

3. Cheeses with Snobby Names- is one of my new favorite lists. It lists all the different cheeses in the world by alphabetical order. No seriously. Everything from Abbaye de Belloc (which is a goat cheese) to Zanetti Parmigiano Reggiano (my favorite cheese) and all the ones in the middle. It's like a little to do list for the cheese lover in us all.

4. Wikipedia- I love dork conversations. In case you were wondering a dork conversation is any conversation in which the winner of said verbal debate is determined by looking the item up on the internet. "Ya it" is a common phrase at my house and Wikipedia is like a fond old friend which whispers ever so coy in my opponents direction "I told you so"

5. The giggles- Sometimes a girl just needs to giggle. My ideal Friday night for a long time involved spending time with girlfriends and having a good case of the giggles at least once in my introduction to a new weekend. See guys don't giggle. Oh sure they get started laughing and they can't stop. Their eyes might water. They might even have to fall to the floor from a side cramp. But girls, girls know what it's all about...giggling, squelling, hiding your face because it's soo red, smearing your eyeliner, and almost peeing your pants. You can giggle anywhere, it's a special type of happiness you carry inside you. You can bust it out at the dinner table, sitting on the carpet in the den or sometimes if you've developed the target somewhere between the dvd's and the section filled with travel shampoo.

6. Mommy Blogs- You see, I'm not quite a Mommy but yet most of the people I list over there in the side bar are. I started off a young blogger who didn't know anyone else who blogged and somehow I found some Mommy's they were out there talking about motherhood in a beautiful and honest way, even the bad parts. I am addicted. I read them daily. I must imagine it even if I can't have it yet.

7. Pee Sticks- Pregnancy tests. What you're not addicted to constantly checking to see if you are with child? No? Well you must not be dealing with infertility. My new favorite website for pee sticks is Early Pregnancy Tests which I got from Parenthood (a place I read vaguely often). They sell a 20mIU test for HCG which is a really really strong test. I heart them. I ordered 20 which was less than 25 dollars. Can't beat that. Is it a plus? That's also a great secret to get to have.

8. Fashion Bug- I'm a bigger girl. I fill out my D cup and my size 16 pants. I'm not ashamed. I love my curves, bumps and even my billows but sometimes shopping can be a pain in the plush booty. For those days, I have The Fashion Bug which has knocked Lane Bryant off my favorite plus sized place to shop list by offering the same clothing in itty bitty sizes for my friends and nice two digit numbers for those of us who are a fan of cheesecake and carbonated beverages.

9. Costco Photo Center Online- Everyone loves Costco the discount bulk shopping stack those HUGE boxes of cereal to the ceiling place that brought us as a nation to a place that loves buying frozen chicken in a giant bag and have a box of detergent the size of Nebraska on top of the washing machine. But did you know that you can go to Costco's website and upload your digital pictures and then pick them up an hour later at your local Costco. The prices are great. You can also ship them to your home, make them into cool objects (mugs, calendars etc) and all without getting out of your pjs. But that's not the best part. You can email them to anyone you want and they can also order them shipped to their home or pick them up at their Costco. How awesome is that? Pretty awesome.

10. Ya that was me- My 10th favorite secret thing is that thing you think I did but wasn't sure about. No I'm not talking about smelly bathrooms or icky stains or any other gross natural byproduct. I mean sneaking a little note in your book or leaving a little money hidden in your jacket pocket. I once hijacked someone's house while they were at an appointment and decorated it for Christmas. I've been known to leave a toy for an unsuspecting kid to find or a brand new book at the public park just for someone to find and fall in love with. I get nothing out of it. I get to walk away and wonder what ever happened to it. But you see, sometimes wondering about something is the best secret we'll ever get to keep. They call the last one book crossing and for more information you can click this link.

11. Geo-caching- I haven't done this one in a long long time because I lost my GPS unit on a hiking trip at some point. If you found a yellow GPS in Columbia it's probably mine... but bygones... enjoy it. Geo- caching is fun for the whole family. It involves taking GPS coordinates for a secret object, looking for it, and logging yourself and leaving something for someone else. Think of it like a really big treasure hunt. For more information click this link to the Geo Caching website I like the best.

12. Vacate Folder- I have this file on my PC called the Vacate Folder. Currently it lives on my laptop at work. In it I save my favorite links to websites of places I'd go right this minute if I had a million dollars to travel and pay my bills while I'm gone. I also keep information on the places I've been and the places I'm planning on going in the near future. I plan vacations all the time that I have no reasonable reason to go on in the next year. But I plan them just the same.

13. This blog- you see... some of you know me & some of you don't but what some of you might not know is that I don't give this blog out to people I see on a regular basis unless I REALLY trust them so it's my little secret. I can talk about whatever I want and in the end it's just the few and the fortunate who know exactly what I mean.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens! Leave them in the comments section please!!

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Ten Things I Learned in 2006 MEME

1. If you are at a public or family event with a small child and you have an endless supply of extra clothing that will not fit me when you hand your child to me it will pee or poop on me much to your relief because "better me than you" and "oh he was constipated yesterday" both can be cured by Aunt Allie.

2. A small faint pink plus is enough to throw your entire existance into a whirl but if you get your hopes up something horrible will happen so practice your patient game face.

3. I used to believe that your friends bailed you out of jail but your good friends would be the ones sitting beside you saying "well I didn't see that coming" or "it sounded like a great idea". Now I know without a doubt that your friends are the people who know you enough to use you as a reference on a job application and your good friends are the ones who know what kind of ice cream to bring when you pretend like you don't want to cry. Good friends know you just need to cry it out. Good friends let you hang up on them. Good friends are just there.

4. Love is not patient, love is not kind. The bible said it but what it meant to say is "love is pretending to be patient when him completing one more level makes you want to stab yourself in the eye with a stilleto heel and love is kind even when you are thinking about the top 10 ways to kill former friends using the objects in the room which appear harmless". Love is knowing you are wrong when you think you are right. Love is still wanting to kiss morning breath and hug the I-just-raked-smell. Love is the only condition in which the happiness of another is essential for your own. Love is an action & it is a choice.

5. People love people who plan things. People love parties that are well thought out. People love trips with agendas. People love having someone to call when they don't know what course to take. People love dependable. They do not however love any of those things if they aren't part of the plan, can't keep up with the plan or have another plan in mind. So if you're planning something. Plan on staying out of the way.

6. Elope. I know what you're thinking..."but my friends and family will be so DISAPPOINTED". Listen to me... ELOPE! You can't make everyone happy. So make the top 1% happy. For instance yourself and your husband, those people should be happy. Take 10 people go to Vegas get married by Elvis or Marilyn Monroe. Take a vacation. Spend the money on a new house. Just do it. Elope.

7. It is possible to change your entire life in one year. You can go from Pagan to Christian. You can change job positions at work. You can get married. You can get pregnant. You can miscarry. You can lose people you were close to. You can reconnect with the people you've lost. You can find your financial stability. You can lose your grip. You can know someone. You can forget someone. You can find God. You can lose your agenda. You are an incredible person... because God made you in a way that can transform greatly in a short amount of time.

8. Being bored is a choice. I used to scream down the hallway at my grandparents ranch in the summer "grandma I'm bored". She'd yell back "boredom is a choice". I'd say "there is nothing to do". She'd list the chores that could be done. I'd yell "that's no FUN". She'd say "fun is a matter of opinion." I get it now Grandma I really do. Fun is that moment you know the dishes are done, the laundry is up to date, the bills are paid and you can now play air guitar standing on the couch next to a friend.

9. Being married is the 2nd best thing on the planet. (The 1st of course being eternal salvation which rocks!) Having someone to talk to, someone to laugh at, someone to make laugh, someone to cry with, someone to hold, someone who loves your bed head, someone who takes out the trash, someone who loses the remote, someone who steals the covers, someone who lets you steal the good pillows, someone willing to go to the store twice in the same day to keep you from panicing while you're planning an event, someone who wants to be the parent to your children, someone who understands why you're leaving early, someone who never lets you win but always lets you play, someone who teases you, someone who won't make lists but still has them, someone who you will always love. BEST!THING!EVER!!

10. It's just another year. 2006, 2007, 3014 it will just be another year. Another day at work, a weekend with friends, a few trips to someplace to do something with someone and the pictures to show the co-workers and a couple million little things in the middle. It's just another year... and we're ever so thankful we made it through it.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Preparing to Vacate

The hubby and I are going on vacation to South Carolina to visit family in Aiken & the surrounding area. We are leaving on Friday night taking a red eye flight with BIL & SIL & Cutest Nephew Ever. (It has been brought to my attention that my high number of BIL & SILs is confusing so from here on out I shall refer to this BIL as CableGuy and his wife as Quilty). Anyhow, the three of us are boarding a plan overnight to head to the Atlanta airport and enjoy a week (Friday to Friday) with no work, no computers (maybe) and no cell phone coverage *hopefully*.

I trip back and for between being excited for the week off and someplace to go and having high anxiety about meeting Hubby's grandparents (whom I have never met). Being a plane given my new little secret (don't worry I'll tell y'all soon) and spending time in someone else's house don't seem very exciting either. But I am excited about traveling with CableGuy, Quilty and the Nephew. Sigh... see... I'm torn.

Needless to say this week is filled with highly important things like packing, planning, and picking a house-sitter. So if I'm not on much that's why. I promise to tell y'all when I leave though so you will know to miss me that much more :)

Hello 007

It's year 007 and your mission should you choose to take it is to live the Mission Impossible and try to be content for a whole year with what the Lord gave you.

My grandmother used to tell us that the Lord couldn't give us everything so he only gave us each the parts we could use. I got wit, humor and a nurturing heart. That's what she used to tell me anyhow.

So 2007... here's laughing at you!