Thursday, January 29, 2009
I had a dream last night that a Pastor at my church adopted a second baby. I don't even know if they are trying to adopt a second baby but it made me think a lot about adoption today in my down time at work. I keep thinking about all the people losing jobs and losing homes and how some of those people might be losing kids. It breaks my heart.
Some idiot killed his entire family last week because he thought they were better off dead during the economic downturn. Don't people like that know that right in the town they live in at least 30% of the couples trying to conceive are having issues and praying for a baby just like one of his FIVE that he killed. Makes me sad, angry and just a little bit inclined to pull out a soap box to preach from.
The thing is, if I was going to adopt a baby, I'd be more likely to do it right now while money is tight. Maybe it's the Christian in my clinging to the "god will find a way" mentality. Or maybe it's the country girl in me thinking "take care of those who need help". But probably it's just the hippy in me that wants to live in a commune with little to know stuff and spend all my time growing babies and tiny carrotts (why are home grown carrotts so small?).
Soon there were will be two more pictures but I have to print them first and get silver frames for them. For now I sit in a desk chair (which is actually pretty comfy) with a pre-marriage picture of the hubby and I, a LaylaBug baby picture, a LaylaBug toddler picture and a picture of me and my friend Jen all above me reminding me that this is were I am...this is where I belong...
It's odd how having your own desk in cubicle city changes your sense of self worth. Yesterday I was a waste of time, stuck between training and being useful in a job. Today... I am a co-worker. I have the company allotted ruler, stapler and inbox to prove it.
Tonight after work (it was payday) we ran to Target because my daughter suddenly refuses to drink from a cup that doesn't have a "strawl" (straw). For the first time in a long time... the thought of spending an extra $4 on toddler stuff didn't scare me. I guess it takes semi-permenant walls to make a person feel secure.
Also, in spirit lifting news- my friend at work (at least I think she's my friend we seem to get along well and all) is in my group and her chair is DIRECTLY behind mine, I can literally swivel my seat and talk to her. Cool no? I have a friend to talk to at work. I also have company email and an annoying keyboard shelf.
Tomorrow is casual Friday and there is a "super bowl" potluck at work which I really think just means we'd all like an excuse to eat a lot. Now if that doesn't sound like a great first day as a real employee I don't know what does.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I'm just waiting for a place to put all my pictures out on my own little desk. I even gathered everything up tonight and put it in a box so I can take it in my car until I need it. I also suddenly realize that I will need to invest in new pens because the J-O-B pays for cheap pens and I'm above using a 10 cent writing tool.
I'm exhausted and I can't sleep which always drives me crazy. I lost a baby picture and I think I may have accidently returned it in a library book that I was using it as a book mark in. At least it doesn't have the babies name on it or anything embarrassing that I would hate lossing in it.
I put forth some effort tonight, while wasting time to try and get the digital key chain I got for Christmas all working. It's not working. So I'm giving up an hour into the process and writing this blog about nothing in particular. I think the random way I'm bouncing about in topics could accurately sum up my state of mind right now.
I want to paint walls, clean out closets and scrub things but I'm so tired that I never even start. I have no idea how that Duggar woman does it. I am exhausted and only one kid wanted me to feed it dinner tonight.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Today I started taking live calls at work. First a fake one with the manager, then a real one…then another. Today I got to stop learning for a living and started working for a living… I'm so excited I can't see straight. Now I'm still stuck in the training room while I wait for my work area to be ready. But at least now I know I'm done trying to make it. Later this week we'll finally pick schedules. We'll pick on for the month of February and one for March through to Summertime. I have 2nd pick at this point and it looks like it might stay that way. There might actually be a light at the end of this tunnel.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
What pick you get of schedules is based on your score, so far one person has a higher score than me and I'll know about the two other people testing mid next week. I just want my work schedule and I really want an early morning so I have to worry about it until we get to pick.
I hate to worry.
I spend enough time worrying about the baby, childcare, money and my marriage staying strong despite both of us having broken and crazy families. I do not need to worry about non-sense at work.
Call me greedy or judgemental but I just feel like I have better things to do. So I get a little upset when I have to wait for things ALL THE TIME. By all accounts I probably could have tested out of this class a week ago but they made me wait for everyone else, now I'm waiting again to see how they test before I can move on.
Ahh limbo... Lord you know what to use to push my buttons don't you?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Sunday for me is either a pajama day at home with the family or church and lunch with friends, depending on the week and how motivated we feel.
I am about 2 months shy of 30 years old and I am still struggling with my own identity and sense of self worth. But, what I know now that I didn't in my younger days is that it is possible to swim upstream and if you keep swimming you usually get there eventually.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Then my mom decided she'd rather betray my trust again and do the same thing she did last time with my crazy almost ex step dad. I'm so done. I can't even call her back. The thought of her makes me want to vomit. I have a migraine.
Then back up again... a friend of mine is for sure pregnant and due August 21st and I'm super excited for her because I know she'll be an awesome mom.
Then back down... I have a two week window where I have to find child care that's cheap because super nanny Erin is getting to go to DC. Crap... try not to panic.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This week Layla learned how to drink from a straw, how to give herself a yogurt facial, how to say puzzle perfectly, and how to eject a DVD. It's been a busy week for her too.
This week bills got paid, the husband took a few extra shifts and the baby sitter (who should come with a hero cape and tights) worked over time and extra days to help us get back on track without even batting an eye.
This week I won three games of backgammon, but last night I lost three in a row making me behind at the end of this week. This week I only read three books. This week Jon never got around to washing the towels because he had better things to do.
This week I prayed harder than I have in awhile. This week I took a blood test, which is starting to be a statement in my life that fills me with dread. This week my anxiety is very high, my ability to go to bed at a reasonable hour is very low and my belief than Jenny Meghan can do this is very real.
This week I know that next year August will start off a holiday season that goes straight through till December because there will be so many birth days, birthdays and anniversaries before October that we'll be lucky if we just don't nap on Halloween to catch up on much needed sleep.
This week I learned that real friends will text message you on your break at work to make you laugh. I learned that getting a text that says "drop every thing and breed" isn't funny if you don't know why the person next to you is getting it. I learned that explaining it is more funny than actually recieving it.
This week I learned that emo bitter friendship is pure in it's love. This week I learned you can't buy happiness but you can buy yourself a few seconds peace of mind. This week I learned that my kid really likes Costco frozen dinosaur shaped chicken products. This week I learned I didn't care that my kids chicken is shaped like a T-Rex.
This week I learned that my god son wants his middle name to be "wowie". I also learned that in the end your parents will always show up and know what not to say. I also learned that if someone isn't your parent they will probably check off everything on the "what not to say" list before the end of the conversation.
This week I learned that I am still learning. This week I reminded myself daily that there is always hope. This week... I bleed because I am human.
But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. ~~Deuteronomy 4:29
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Some boundaries we've already set like stone.
- No upstairs toys downstairs and no downstairs toys are allowed upstairs.
- No pacifiers outside of the bedroom unless you are sick or hurt and need comfort.
- No jumping off the couch.
- No kicking people or hitting people. You use your words when you need something.
Others are just a matter of being consistant with things that aren't obviously consistant to a one year old.
- Meal time is for sitting and eating, not throwing food.
- Inside voices are to be used inside, unless of course you are inside someplace for yelling.
- Not every doggy is your friend.
- Not every person who pretends to be your friend will always be nice to you.
- Some family can't be trusted alone in a room with you because they play too rough, but you should still play with them.
- You should run at the park but you shouldn't run away from me at the park.
Some rules are just there to keep us from going insane.
- You have to take a nap or at least be quiet in your room an hour a day.
- Bedtime is at roughly the same time every night whether you like it or not.
- You have to stay at the church nursery because Daddy says it's good for you.
- Mommy has to go to work and so does daddy so you might as well have fun with Erin and not scream when we leave.
And then there are the rules that just amuse Mommy.
- Putting things in and out the trash is not amusing and not a game.
- You can not bath yourself with a wash cloth and toilet water.
- It is not ok to eat things that you have tried to feed to Papa Mark's dog.
- Touching the night light is forbidden, even though it's really cool that your hand makes it light up.
- It's not ok to throw yourself into things when you are frustrated, if you do this and get hurt, it is ok for Mommy and Daddy to point and laugh before they help you.
- M&M's are not a breakfast food despite the fact that Papa Glen gave them to you.
- Just because Nana Lorrie let's you play with her cell phone does not mean you get to play with all cell phones and pretend to call Nana.
- Hiding something behind your back or covering your eyes while being lectured will not make the item be forgotten or you be invisible.
- Don't lick the soap, it smells good but it tastes nasty.
And last but not least...today's personal favorite...
- If you are trying to play with CD's and you get in trouble. When you two hours later shut yourself in the bedroom with the CD rack and find temptation too much to handle, the door will swing open and in your panicked state (despite not actually touching a CD yet) you will try and run away. When you do this...
Do not run directly into the closet door!
Some boundaries are physical...and it's really hard for Mommy to be nurturing when she's trying to keep from pissing her pants laughing.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Small, black with a picture of a baby.
Well that could be anyone's even my husbands so I make arrangements to get the phone.
At 8 pm I met a random stranger to get the mystery phone. She was old and nice and she had a young person she knew unlock the keypad for her and find a number for her to call. She found the phone in her rosebushes along side the road.
As soon as I flipped open the phone I discovered I didn't know the baby in the picture. But it looked like the sis in laws phone so I scrolled the numbers until I found an entry under dad who matched job's dad's number. Yep it's hers.
So I took her her phone. She lost her phone 2 days before so she was shocked when I of all people handed it to her. She'd already had a new one on order through her phone insurance but hopefully she can return it and get her money back.
Fun stuff, and not at all what I thought I'd be doing last night.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Today was my blood test. My doctor ordered enough tests that they couldn't take that amount of blood so they had to call him at 7 am, wake him up and ask him which tests he really wanted to give me. But it all worked out and I was to work with 20 minutes to spare. She got my blood in one poke too which is highly rare for me.
Work announced today that I would be moving on to the final phase of training and could expect to be done with training in the next two weeks (before Feb 2nd) which is exciting because that means that I'll be able to know what my new schedule will be soon and I can decide if I am going back to school next semester or the one after that (financial aid permiting)
Layla has decided that each day when I come home from work she will marvel me with something new that I missed while she was away. Today during the itsy bitsy spider song she did the "down came the rain" hand motions (previously we had a lot of spiders, and out came the suns but nothing else). That kid is just amazing.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Many prayers and happy wishes go to Niobe over at Dead Baby Jokes who has been blessed with a baby boy to call her very own. Niobe used a surrogate mom so I have been reading her religiously (being as I might need one of those one day).
It seems everyone is having a baby. I know of 5 people who I personally interact with on a regular basis that are officially "bun in the oven" status. Plus, I know one lovely person who's joining the trying to concieve with Stien Leventhal Syndrome race assuming that the giving blood thing goes well.
As usual life in the Jeffery house is filled with quasi drama. But mostly, Jon has a cold...Layla is adapting to life in the big girl bed pretty easily and my floor is covered with toddler debris but I'm going to bed early anyhow.
Because that's what real life looks like people.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I tucked the little key into my pocket, and later placed it on a key chain. I carried it around with me for over 10 years, trying it occassionally in antique store finds with rusty old locks that looked about the right size. I once even ventured to put it into a gate lock at a house that had been around long enough that it looked like it belonged. All the while the key in my pocket carried an energy of searching for something...so I kept my eyes open.
Like most things alive with only hope and belief, the strength of the keys whimsical entrance into my life faded from mind and with it the sense of searching to find home faded from my pocket until one day the key found it's way into my jewelry box instead of every lock I passed. It sat there untouched for 6 more years until one night in my living room it came up in an unexpected conversation.
"I dreamed once of a woman dressed in white," I told my mother, "I dreamed of her so much that she scared me. One day driving to Grandma's I swear I saw her on the side of the road. So I told Grandma."
My grandmother was the sort to believe a spirit on the side of the road was not only normal but expected. A trace of Cherokee blood trickled through her and it kept her aligned to things I had only just begun to understand at the age of 16 when I passed that hollow woman in white.
"You'll just keep seeing her...that's what Grandma said... so you might as well stop and talk to her." I said in my best Grandma voice. My mother seemed not at all suprised by my story or my grandmother's answer or my strange encounter...so I continued. "So I did. And she just walked slowly in front of my car. So I drove behind her for over 5 miles from the river to the middle of town and then parked my car and followed her around the chain link fence that she walked through at the elementary school until she took me to the corner with the brick wall. The wind came up and the it danced around me like a chapter in the The Secret Garden and there on the ground was a key."
I described the key upstairs, I knew it by heart. And my mother listened intently while I talked about how I felt like I had to carry it around forever and how I never saw the woman in white again.
"I know that key," my mother said with a grin, "it opens the door to your great grandmother's house." A house long since torn down, but which would have at the time been standing alone and vacant. "I wonder what you would have found if you went in."
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I am the Christian most likely to drop an F bomb when I'm mid-prayer. I am the Christian who still wants a ward tattoo even though I know God will protect me without one. I'm still a Christian working on my abililty to love well despite a sometime crippling rage that consumes my thoughts about some people. I'm still a work in progress. I am a structure created by my choices, how I choose to react and not to react will teach you more about me than what has happened to me ever will.
I picked the church I attend because the Pastor there once told me that he wanted the church to be "come as you are" and I told him that "come as you are and we'll fix you" wasn't very appealing to people. He said he preferred to think of it as "come as you are and we'll use the gifts God has already given you to show you gifts you didn't know you could use".
He said that too me... but it isn't a part of me. What defined me is that I choose to stay and to actively worship in the belief that my God would listen and my God would understand and that my God will someday use me to disciple to someone that it is ok to be the person you are...with the gifts you have...and God will be so mighty with love for you that he will use you to further his kingdom.
I remember when I was about 15 I went with my mom to this Mission by the ocean. There was a thing there about testimonies of faith and she told/asked me that everyone has a testimony in their life and they use it to stand for something. It was an off hand comment but it stuck, obvisiously, because I still remember it now many many years later.
So I guess this is a part of my testimony, and I am willing to stand alone for it. It defines a part of me, the part still be sculpted by God...
I am the testimony of a God who's love can pour over you like a gentle rain and wash away your shattered pieces and broken fragments to a place where they can wash up on shore and become beautiful art that moves people to do things beyond themselves.
Friday, January 09, 2009
My village drew close after my last battle with the all too familiar darkness. Out of the woodwork people willing to listen, people willing to laugh, people willing to clean my house and watch my kid for free...they all came.
And I felt their positive energy (even the type that came with Emo rage and good commentary) lightening my spirit.
I can do this.
And if I can't... I'll just baaaaaa!
Item 1- Perfect-
Layla's 15 mo check up was a little late but we did it yesterday. She is PERFECT. She tested like a 2 year old for intellegence, she walks early and well for her age and talks early and well for her age. She has cognitive relay function 6 months early (following directions, putting shapes in sorters, object awareness)
She weighs 22 lbs and they said the scale in same day care must need a revamp. She's 32 inches tall. That puts her in the 43% for weight and 95% for height.
He said to put her in music lessons before she turns two because she's headed down the young and gifted path and music lessons help with comprehension and a bunch of other unrelated things in young kids.
Item 2- Broken
Hi, my name is Allie, I am 29 years old and I am in early menopause. Last night my husband and I had to decide if we were going to fight nature and try to have another baby. We had to decide if the now or never mentality applied to us twice.
In the middle of this emotional blow I took some family news and wanted to beat several people to a pulp. So now I'm working on my anger again... which I think might be a life long battle for me
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Drummer? Piano Prodigy? Girl with the egg shakers behind the band?
Friday, January 02, 2009
I'm going to try but no promises...
January- I started working at the evil Dr's Office. My child who was very small, stayed home with Melissa, tried mushy foods for the first time, and in general looked cute on Daddy's lap. Daddy worked a lot of hours at the beginning of last year... I remember that too.
February- The most memorable thing about February was our trip to Yosemite to see the snow for Garratt's birthday. We took all the kids with us and it was super fun. Even when Layla hated the snow.
March- March was a busy month, Mommy's 29th birthday (which was a rock star good time) and Easter were both in March. On Easter we had a few family members over for lunch and Layla tried to eat her Easter basket and Easter book.
April- The month of April was a sunny and uplifting one, Mommy got out of that horrible job at the Evil Dr's Office and got to stay home with Laylabug full time. Money was tight, but relief from a horrible job gets you a long way in life.
May- Was a month of movement and growth. Mommy moved into the role of being home full time. Daddy moved into the role of being the calm one when things got tight. And LaylaBug just moved...scooting around and sitting up and doing all sorts of amazing baby things. This is also when Mel and Garratt moved to Washington so we got together a few times with family to say goodbye. Plus a birthday party for Aiden who was 2.
June- The summer started off with Layla and Mommy going to a lot of festivals and faires with family and friends. Godmother Sarah came down for a visit too. It was warm in June and Mommy really liked it.
July- The month of July was full of visits. We had Grandpa Kenneth's 80th birthday BBQ. Lynn and Pheonix came down to spend time from Washington. And it was county fair time. It was busy busy busy. There was a lot of time in water, which Layla LOVED.
August- August was Daddy's birthday (28), Pheonix's Birthday (2) and Faith's birthday (1) both of which were really fun. And we moved to the town house from the big house to consolidate expenses. We also started Layla on solid foods, she started walking and by her 1st birthday in Sept. she knew over 65 words.
September- Oh my, it's a wonder we lived through Sept. There was a road trip to Columbia and Collin's first birthday. There was Layla's first birthday and a visit from Sarah. It was just busy busy busy. We went to visit Grandparents, a couple weekends in a row.
October- Ah, Halloween, the holiday that keeps on giving. We went to see all the local family on Halloween night but earlier in the month was Nevaeh's 2nd birthday and we discovered Layla's love of the park so we spent a lot of time on the swings during October.
November- More park time, Thanksgiving with lot's of Turkey at Papa Mark's and Papa Glen's. A playdate with Trisha's little boy who share's a birthday with Layla (by 3 hour) and Mommy was well into getting another job with interviews, tests and applications almost everyday.
December- Mommy went back to work for a company just two blocks away. Daddy became a part time Mr Mom with Miss Erin staying on the days when both of us work (which Layla loves) and there was Christmas. Lot's of Christmas before and after Christmas too because the family is broken up and scattered.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
I woke this morning to find that January 2009 while vastly different than January 2008 really felt a lot like December 2008 did. I cursed as I stepped on a Duplox block and made a bottle, the new year started off like Monday started off...with Handy Manny and someone in feetsie jammies climbing off my lap every 4 minutes to dance and then back up again to get warm.
There was no magical new year's kiss...still hasn't been one...because we've been married parents long enough now to value sleep over marketed reasons to get drunk and get laid. And that my friends makes me an officially boring old person... who isn't tired...because I got a lot of sleep.
So what makes 2009 different than 2008 so far...
Well I got enough sleep and because I didn't spend the Eve with Jon's family I will not be hearing it retold to me later this year by someone else in his family who wasn't there like they know more than I do about what happened.
My kid wasn't squished in bed between us, instead she's a full fledged toddler, with her own bed in her own room and her own opinions of what a bedtime ritual should look like. So on the Eve she went to bed with a pacifier and a blankie and a cow I hate and woke up in 2009 desperately needing a diaper change and a sippy cup instead of a bottle.
At the end of 2007 I was out of work, out of luck and out of hope. At the beginnning of 2009 I find myself with a job, with a little change in my wallet and with the hope that someday we'll be all caught up again on bills.
On the Eve 2008 we had a bigger house, a bigger yard and a bigger rent to pay. This year we start off with bills more within our means, a house that's just right for 3 people and no crazy landlord doing yardwork on Tuesdays.
All in all, it's a little different here... but it feels mostly the same. Or perhaps I forgot what it felt like before...either way... I'm happy it's 2009.
2009 the year I dropped the ball on making resolutions... it sounds good already.