Monday, December 29, 2008

Not Pictured

I had someone ask me about a month back how come I stopped inviting someone in Jon's family to things. They asked me if not inviting them made me a bad Christian and accused me of not forgiving them. I told that person that I was forgiving them but I wasn't allowing them to continue to ruin the family and friend events that I had other loved ones at.
I figured it was nicer to stop inviting someone than it was to invite twenty other people to an event where they had to feel slightly uncomfortable when that someone got angry or frustrated or whatever random over the top emotion they felt like having at my event. I think they have the right to have emotions but I don't think they have the right to inflict others with a bad time.
In other words, I love you but shut the heck up.
Recently, a member of Jon's family brought a person into the family dynamic who had past drama. Would I have done that? Nope. But you know what, she's a more forgiving and loving person than I am sometimes so I'm following her lead and I'm trying to be friendly and inviting. I'm trying to lead by example and it's not easy.
So tonight at the family dinner when the person not pictured refused to be in a family picture I felt bad for that new guy. I felt bad that for the people visiting from Canada who only wanted one silly picture to take home for them. But I didn't feel bad for the guy too stubborn to sit next to his wife and be seen with his family... because I'm a Christian... but I'm not perfect.


For Christmas this year, one of Jon's family members gave us a set of three reusable water cantenes from LL Bean and a list of reasons to drink more water. Although, I don't think the list of reasons is anything that really interests me... the containers interest my daughter to know end. She carries them around the living room like little lanterns and clinks them (they are metal) together. Everyone could use to drink more water, and I will actually use this gift. Having said that...
Drinking water isn't something I plan on making a New Year's Resolution about.
We had someone come by my new job (a monthly guest speaker) and he talked about how most people make New Year's Resolutions and fail. He talked about the reasons most people fail (unrealistic goals, vague promises, bad plans, no room for give in your resolution...stuff like that).
I've never really been big on making a New Year's Resolution...but since I've been an adult I try to keep myself always working on something. Right now I'm working on being more trusting about admitting when I feel hurt. Which is totally against my nature and my survival instincts. I'm also working on journaling my food intake and weight so that I can be aware of what I'm consuming. (Not so much fun during the Turkey and Sugar Cookie season)
My main resolution this year has been to actively pray for others DAILY. Sometimes I miss a day... or a person on my list... but it makes me feel like I am helping to change the world. If nothing else, I'm changing me... and I'm part of the world.
So here is my current resolved prayer list (names removed to protect the less than innocent) and I'm going to put it on the internet so that you can add to it. Need a prayer? Leave it in the comments. I'll put you on my list for January...or now really...because I'm starting tomorrow and going through January.
I pray for my daughter that she may learn patience and that she may always feel loved and supported.
I pray for my husband that he may feel loved, supported and that our marriage will grow stronger with time. I pray for his happiness, contentment in our relationship and for his job...which he loves even when it doesn't always do what we think it will.
I pray for ** that she may know God's true love and forgiveness in all things, even tragedy.
I pray for ** that he may find a job that gives him joy and allows him the social nature that makes him beautiful and for his girlfriends nerves that she doesn't kill him in the meantime.
I pray for my grandparents that they may enjoy old age instead of being burdened by it.
I pray for **'s and their families that the financial troubles and jobless woes they all have will help them to grow as people and that when they end (which I pray is soon) that they will serve in their testament as proof of the greatness of God's love.
I pray for the new baby I just found out one of our family members will be having in August.
I pray for ** and his new family that they develop a loving and strong bond with my daughter and that they know that we already love them.
I pray for **, that I can forgive her for hurting me (which is about me just as much as it is her but it's all I can muster at the moment) and that she may learn how to be the grandma that just invites herself over.
I pray for ** that while she is watching my child she feels the overwhelming love God has for her through my daughters overwhelming ability to love her...because she is loved by me, God and my daughter more than she knows.
I pray for ** that she doesn't go crazy in the snow and kill her significant other and that her relationship with God continues to grow, and that she know the value of her friendship for me and how much I love her, and that her son be always aware of the blindly beautiful love that God, ** and I have for him.
I pray for ** that he may find his soul mate because I know he wants it so much and for the high school group which he leads because there is no such thing as too much prayer for a man leading teenagers anywhere.
I pray for **, ** and ** that the relationships that God has put them in will make them happy and let them shine even if they are still working on creating them.
I pray for ** to feel proud of what he is because he's like my brother and a job isn't as important as a man's character.
I pray for **, **, ** and ** that they grow up to be loving, forgiving and intellegent human beings.
I pray for ** that they may know that they are not forgotten.
And usually at the end I say a blanket prayer for all the people I forgot to pray for...because I know I'm human and I probably forget people every day.
Got anyone you need to put on my ** prayer list ? You can put a ** for names if you don't feel comfortable.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


Taking Layla to church the first couple of weeks after we decided to go back, broke my heart. She would cry and I would spend the entire service praying that she would be in one piece when I got back to the children's nursery after first service. It was a mess.
This week we took Layla to the church nursery and she didn't have to be held the whole time, she didn't even cry, she just played until we came back. In fact she was so happy we got to go to breakfast afterwards instead of having to run home for a calm down cuddle and a nap. It was exciting.
Just another sign that she's getting bigger every day. My mother and I were looking at videos of Layla from September. She was a baby in September. She's a toddler now. You can see it in her individuality and in everything about the way she currently is.
It makes me a little sad. She's so grown up. I know she's got a lot of growing to do still, a lot of firsts (like the first sugar cookie-shown above) but there is so much about her now that isn't that squishy little girl I gave birth to. She's changing, she's changing me, and someday...she just might change the world.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Holiday and Crisis

This holiday season has been an odd one. Between bills piling up and family drama that won't matter in 50 years, there was plenty of stress to be had at our house. There were new jobs starting, old jobs changing and even a little unexpected visiting that clogged up the schedule in an unjoyable but random sort of way.

Then it happened. In a tear filled call, I found out from my mom that she had been in a car accident and while she and her car where unharmed (relatively speaking) the pedestrian she accidently hit (who ran in front of her car in the dark...and was not her fault in ANY way) died. It was two days before Christmas when I found out.

There isn't much you can do from over 100 miles away when tragety hits. I offered to make the trip but she decided against it. She suprised us by forcing herself into the car to drive here on Christmas day to see the baby...and she's been here ever since. Baby therapy... it cures all grandma's broken least a little.

And now I'm not so worried about how AT&T messed up my bill or how my car payment made us unreasonably tight... I'm worried about people feeling loved, about family being supportive and available...and about my mommy... because I'm a mommy too now... and I know sometimes love takes you a lot farther than you thought you could go.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

She went to bed on time and full of magic and wonder. We let her open one present this afternoon. A package of mini cars from the Disney Cars movie which is her favorite and then she spent a better part of the evening alternating from sticking Duplo Blocks together and pulling them apart and driving Mater over Daddy saying "va-roooooommmmmm". Daddy got her back later and drove Doc Hudson all over her, turns out being a racetrack for the Hudson Hornet tickles and she laughed and laughed.

We had patty melts for dinner and watched some old Christmas favorites with the baby before she headed of to slumber. She was pretty uninterested in the Garfield Christmas Special but liked Charlie Brown a lot...probably all the dancing... and she's seen The Grinch Who Stole Christmas before so half way through it she was ready for bed.

As soon as she was tucked away Santa made a quick appearance. Clever Santa...knew just when she went to bed. Santa put the new toy under the tree and tied it with a red and green bow, then placed an overflowing stocking and some Christmas books under it and slipped away to enjoy a store bought sugar cookie with red and green sprinkles.

It may not be her first Christmas. But with all the magic in the air over here... it sort of feels like Mommy's first Christmas all over again. By the time this posts it will be Christmas morning and then we'll all crawl out of bed and stumble down the stairs and she'll see it. My LaylaBug will see her magically wonderful new toy and while I make French Toast and sausage and curse the turkey that at this point is still frozen even though it's been to thaw for 2 days. And I might lose a little of the magic I'm feeling tonight as I write this. But then I'll look back at this post or the twinkle in her toddler eyes and I'll remember.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The "Official" Christmas Picture

This year we had a particularly low budget Christmas. We are giving each of the parents/grandparents this family photo and a handmade ornament from our LaylaBug. Because, after all, the most important part of modern Christmas is family and children and not money. At least that's what we're hoping to teach our daughter.

The picture itself isn't the best of any of us. But, being as we only got to choose from the 3 pictures we took before Layla FREAKED out and wouldn't hold's pretty good. I'm not that big, Jon's not that shiny and Layla's hair isn't that untamed. At least I'm going to keep telling myself that when I see that picture as I walk up the stairs.


Monday, December 22, 2008

It's a Wonderful Life

I suppose I should be honest with myself and say that when I finish one test from God I usually end up thrust right into another one. Times they are a changing...and I'm stuck in the rat race with everyone else. But, it's all in all a good life...the one in which I get to live.

I watch my daughter changing with every breath she takes and I wonder at what point I lost the ability to be that adaptive. I guess at some point when I wasn't looking I just woke up and felt like and adult. And with that adulthood came that struggle to remain stable and good. I miss it sometimes, the reckless abandon that comes with young life.

Responsible, predictable, grateful. These are the things you become when you grow mature. So why am I still holding on to the hope that some other people will do the right thing. Why am I still hurt by a woman who seems to think she could shrug something so hateful away with a two cent apology? Why am I still scared to trust things I do not understand?

Because resolutions and proclaimations don't change your heart. Because knowing something and feeling it like second nature takes time and practice. Because I am human. And I can change... if I just keep trying. Even if it's not as easy as it was when I was younger.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

All at once

Christmas is here. I don't care what you say about the 4 days left... it's here.

I figure once you get to the point where you can't push things off until NEXT WEEK you can just start counting your blessings instead of sheep and deal with what you've got.

What have I got?

A head cold.

Yay me! *sigh*

I woke up this morning with a runny nose and a sore throat. I feel a lot less energized than normal and I'm not looking forward to having to lay down in bed tonight and dealing with a runny nose at bedtime. But I have blessings to count...

God loves me.
My family and friends are around for the holidays.
There are presents under my tree when I thought there wouldn't be.
My pantry is full.
I am not surrounded by horrible financial crisis (just mild) or three feet of snow in the door jam.
I have hope.
I have come to terms with my lack of good fitting jeans.
My daughter sings "what's this what's this there's magic everywhere..."
My husband and I can still say the exact same thing at the exact same time like we used to when we were dating.
I have a job.

Christmas is here.

Friday, December 19, 2008

On the do run run

As Christmas quickly approaches I find myself running behind more and more and things on my to do list either become urgent or forgotten depending on how much I loved the idea of doing them. How important are iced sugar cookies anyhow? Must not be too important because we're not doing it this year!

Some things had to be done so I'l still be squeezing in pics with Santa tomorrow and one last showing of a Christmas Carole next week! I'll make Christmas baskets and I'll beg Jon to give me one present on Christmas eve ...

But that's just busy little ole me!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Layla's First Apple...and other News Worthy Events

This week Layla ate her first WHOLE apple. Not to say that she ate the whole thing but I gave it to her whole and she ate some of it. Which, is a monument I thought was video worthy for you all to see.

The new job is awesome but I feel like I am constantly slightly behind on things around the house, this is partially because I used to have all day every day to get things done and partially because I am ACTUALLY behind. *sigh* So imagine my suprise and overwhelming excitement when I arrived home from work today and discovered that Mr Mom had cleaned my entire kitchen and picked up the downstairs while the baby was down for her afternoon nap.

Tomorrow Layla stays home in the morning with Miss Erin and then spends the afternoon with Mr Mom (formerly known as the hubby) while I go off to work and it appears that now that we're in week TWO of mommy having a job that's a much less traumatic event. In fact today when she woke up from her nap and I was home...she pretty much could care less. I think she was over it by the time I took all day Saturday and Sunday cuddling her through the worst parts of her rash (which is almost gone now) *thank god*

I found out this week that I'll also have the 26th of December off (I'm taking a floating holiday along with the rest of the new hires at work). We'll all have a FIVE (yes I said 5) day weekend at the end of December followed by a THREE day work week and another FOUR day weekend. I love this job. I'm not just saying that because of the 2 minute commute (walking or driving). I'm not saying it because I'll have TWO health insurance plans which overlap either. I'm saying it because in general it's one of the nicest places I've ever worked (as far as making people feel wanted and important) and that's saying ALOT because I've worked a lot of nice places.

Lot's of CAPS LOCK in this post isn't there? Perhaps I need a few more *sighs* and *thanks gods* thrown in for good measure so I can really make this look like it was writen by a 16 year old girl.

Winners Winners Chicken Dinners (as Courtney says)

This weeks winner was Mel... she can get her prize when I see her on the 28th !! LOL

This weeks contest won't start until WEDNESDAY!! You'll see why on WEDNESDAY!!

For the record my favorite Christmas movie is actually the old "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" cartoon.

Also...unrelated but related... Janelle I finally got back to responding to your comment on this weeks contest entry so you'll want to go back and read that. I haven't gotten your email yet.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Up & Down

This week Layla came down with a viral's main symptoms were bi-polar baby mood swings, a full body rash and a mild fever. If you ever look that up on WebMD you'll know that we took her to Urgent Care because 129 different things come up as possible problems your child may be contagious or dying from. There were also 3 normal every day things...and of course one $25.00 co-pay later I now know my daughter had one of those. The viral infection...treated with nothing should be completely gone in 3-5 days but can be spread to other kids so we missed church today and Layla decided to be nice to us and sleep in until 8 am which NEVER happens here. Then an hour later she took a 2 and a half our nap but already she's gone from this....

to this...

in just 2 days. So that's something right? She's a little clingy in the morning and seems to frustrate easily but by today she's finally eating again and enjoying playing with her toys instead of just laying around in a puddle on the floor.

The Dr says she weighs 27 lbs now (which is probably a little off because she was fully dressed and had on tennis shoes) and I know she's well over 33 inches tall. That puts us in the 97% mark for hieght and the 80 % mark (ish) for weight. Yay us!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

What a week

I hardly ever do a week recap post but let me tell you that I think this week probably needs one. Sunday I took a pregnancy test because I haven't had a cycle in a few months and found much to my suprise that I was NOT pregnant and while I was overwhelmingly relieved because financially this is not a good time for a baby...I was a little sad because babies are squishy and cute and I'd like a whole collection of them. Monday started off with my new job, our new sitter (Miss Erin) coming over and I was supposed to have a job interview after work but at the last minute they rescheduled me to Tuesday. We were also planning on going to see the Katina's in concert at our church for free but I was exhausted by the end of the day so we didn't. Tuesday was more work, Jon stayed home with Layla, and I had that interview at the college before coming home to make dinner. Wednesday, more work, and when I got home I found Jon who was at home watching the baby, hanging out with one of our friends so we got a nice visit and I made dinner. Some time after he left Jon and I had a marital issue (now resolved). Thursday Miss Erin was here all day while I worked and she (thanks alot by the way) cleaned up for me a little...when I got home I had a mildly sick kid to feed and then she (and I) went to bed pretty early (me not before I had a little drama at home with the hubby). Friday was a test and personal review day at work, and when I got home Layla had a head to toe rash which sent us to Urgent Care at 6 pm. Then I talked to Jon for awhile and went to bed...exhausted. I woke up this morning to a cranky kid who still has a head to toe rash and I need to clean house before my mother in law comes over for dinner. We canceled our Back in the Day party tomorrow because the baby is sick and now I have a 16 pound defrosted turkey I get to deal with for no reason...oh and I got an email from the landlord *sigh*. There will be no church tomorrow for us because the baby is especially contagious to other babies.

And to think... next week will be much of the same thing... just in a different order.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Sigh Heard Round the World

Today I got the mail and the bill in it wasn't in a pink envelope, it wasn't even written on pink paper. Maybe the end is in sight. I took it to my desk and put it next to another bill that's not past due in the no longer overflowing spot on the desk. It felt nice.

I've got bills, don't get me wrong but it's been awhile since I wasn't playing juggle that utility service. Starting this week the hubby and I will have alternating pay days. Which will be a nice change. It's when things get slightly normal that the weird shit bubbles up.

Last night the hubby and I had drama. Or I should say, I had drama and it was the hubby's fault and so he slept on he couch...because I asked him to. Today I'm feeling better about the situation... not so much so that I am over it but enough so that he might get to use his own pillow tonight.

It's the first time we've had real marital drama and it ended with 10 minutes of joking around before I sent him we'll survive...we always do.

Maybe it's that little white bill that's making me so optomistic... he should thank TID.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bah Humbug

You ever wish you never knew something... but you know it so now you have to deal with it. Why does this shit always happen when you least expect it... like during the holidays and your first week back at work.

Giveaway 3 weeks until Christmas

I can't believe there are only 3 weeks until Christmas and yet at the same time I feel compelled to say that it feels like Christmas is already here. It's craziness over here in the J house already. We're full swing in the Christmas movie watching, fudge making and tree lighting over here and I'm loving every minute I'm home for it.

Last week for our contest we talked about our most desired wish list item. Our winner was Courtney...who will have to email me which type of coffee she wants (she knows the address). Courtney wanted a lot of neat things but mostly she wanted a cute boy under her Christmas btw which she is dating and lives far far away and her blogs about him are things I love to read over on her blog Practicing Patience. So horray for Courtney and we'll be praying for you and that boy under the Christmas tree problem.

This week I want to talk about your favorite Christmas movie. Every year my husband and I (and just I before I had a husband) have had a Back in the Day party for our friends. Everyone comes over in their PJ's and we watch a collection of Christmas movies (classics, claymation, cartoon and even modern or musical) and we eat lots of cookies (everyone has to bring a dozen) and I make foods from our childhood. It's always good times.

This year in the effort to scale back some we made the party much smaller with fewer people and we are only going to show three movies on a Sunday afternoon but we'll still be having that Back in the Day feel everyone has grown to love.

We won't however be showing my favorite Christmas movie.

This week our giveaway has 2 parts. You get 1 entry if you post a comment with your favorite Christmas movie in it. You get 1 more entry if you can correctly guess my favorite Christmas movie. Enteries must be in before midnight on Sunday and the winner will get a Hot Chocolate Sampler. Yummy!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Gotta Love It

Yesterday I started "the J O B" which I am happy and surprised to announce that I really liked. My daughter stayed a few hours with Miss Erin then Daddy came home and they had a grand time without me. She decided to reward me for going to work by sitting on daddy all night like she was mad at me, or perhaps she just likes him better now that he's the one home and she'll like me better on Saturday.

This weekend is another fun one for us. Saturday I am hoping to take Layla to Christmas Tree Lane to walk around and to see the mini train here in town. On Sunday we'll be having our Annual Back in the Day party where everyone wears PJs, eats food from their childhood, brings cookies and watches movies that were popular when we were younger.

Also this week, I'm expecting my Christmas cards to arrive and once those are here I'll be dropping off some gifts (homemade) for family members in the area...probably on Saturday as well...before dark.

The realization of much simpler life is with a smaller Christmas is settling in all around me. The smaller tree isn't overwhelming in the living room and the few presents under it are easy to keep the kids away from. Boy I am glad God forced me to take this route.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Hi Ho Hi Ho

it's off to work I go...

If you are reading this, you are not on your way to work. I am not reading this...because I am.

Last week, the day after my job offer, my husband and I took another financial blow. But you know what... I have a job...and with that job comes a little hope.

So I'm off to work and I'll tell you all about it later.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Advent Conspiracy

Please watch this informative video which I saw on someone else's site and then went to YouTube to hunt down to share with you...

Hound of Heaven

I've always had a special place in my heart for the poem Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson the Catholic poet. Something about a God so loving that it would persue someone who ran in ignorant fear always felt real to me. Perhaps, that is why when I converted to Christianity, God stalked me in the quiet places and in the public places until I stopped fighting back. What does this poem remind you of?

The Hound of Heaven

I fled Him down the nights and down the days

I fled Him down the arches of the years

I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways

Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears

I hid from him, and under running laughter.

Up vistaed hopes I sped and shot precipitated

Adown titanic glooms of chasmed hears

From those strong feet that followed, followed after

But with unhurrying chase and unperturbed pace,

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

They beat, and a Voice beat,

More instant than the feet:

All things betray thee who betrayest me.

I pleaded, outlaw--wise by many a hearted casement,

curtained red, trellised with inter-twining charities,

For though I knew His love who followed,

Yet was I sore adread, lest having Him,

I should have nought beside.

But if one little casement parted wide,

The gust of his approach would clash it to.

Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.

Across the margent of the world I fled,

And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,

Smiting for shelter on their clange d bars,

Fretted to dulcet jars and silvern chatter

The pale ports of the moon.

I said to Dawn --- be sudden, to Eve --- be soon,

With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over

From this tremendous Lover.

Float thy vague veil about me lest He see.

I tempted all His servitors but to find

My own betrayal in their constancy,

In faith to Him, their fickleness to me,

Their traitorous trueness and their loyal deceit.

To all swift things for swiftness did I sue,

Clung to the whistling mane of every wind,

But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,

The long savannahs of the blue,

Or whether, thunder-driven,

They clanged His chariot thwart a heaven,

Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn of their feet,

Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.

Still with unhurrying chase and unperturbed pace

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

Came on the following feet, and a Voice above their beat:

Nought shelters thee who wilt not shelter Me.

I sought no more that after which I strayed

In face of Man or Maid.

But still within the little childrens' eyes

Seems something, something that replies,

They at least are for me, surely for me.

But just as their young eyes grew sudden fair,

With dawning answers there,

Their angel plucked them from me by the hair.

Come then, ye other children, Nature's

Share with me, said I, your delicate fellowship.

Let me greet you lip to lip,

Let me twine with you caresses,

Wantoning with our Lady Mother's vagrant tresses,

Banqueting with her in her wind walled palace,

Underneath her azured dai:s,

Quaffing, as your taintless way is,

From a chalice, lucent weeping out of the dayspring.

So it was done.

I in their delicate fellowship was one.

Drew the bolt of Nature's secrecies,

I knew all the swift importings on the wilful face of skies,

I knew how the clouds arise,

Spumed of the wild sea-snortings.

All that's born or dies,

Rose and drooped with,

Made them shapers of mine own moods, or wailful, or Divine.

With them joyed and was bereaven.

I was heavy with the Even,

when she lit her glimmering tapers round the day's dead sanctities.

I laughed in the morning's eyes.

I triumphed and I saddened with all weather,

Heaven and I wept together,

and its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine.

Against the red throb of its sunset heart,

I laid my own to beat

And share commingling heat.

But not by that, by that was eased my human smart.

In vain my tears were wet on Heaven's grey cheek.

For ah! we know what each other says,

these things and I; In sound I speak,

Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.

Nature, poor step-dame, cannot slake my drouth.

Let her, if she would owe me

Drop yon blue-bosomed veil of sky

And show me the breasts o' her tenderness.

Never did any milk of hers once bless my thirsting mouth.

Nigh and nigh draws the chase, with unperturbe d pace

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

And past those noise d feet, a Voice comes yet more fleet:

Lo, nought contentst thee who content'st nought Me.

Naked, I wait thy Love's uplifted stroke. My harness, piece by piece,

thou'st hewn from me

And smitten me to my knee,

I am defenceless, utterly.

I slept methinks, and awoke.

And slowly gazing, find me stripped in sleep.

In the rash lustihead of my young powers,

I shook the pillaring hours,

and pulled my life upon me.

Grimed with smears,

I stand amidst the dust o' the mounded years--

My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.

My days have crackled and gone up in smoke,

Have puffed and burst like sunstarts on a stream.

Yeah, faileth now even dream the dreamer

and the lute, the lutanist.

Even the linked fantasies in whose blossomy twist,

I swung the Earth, a trinket at my wrist,

Have yielded, cords of all too weak account,
For Earth, with heavy grief so overplussed.

Ah! is thy Love indeed a weed,

albeit an Amaranthine weed,

Suffering no flowers except its own to mount?

Ah! must, Designer Infinite,

Ah! must thou char the wood 'ere thou canst limn with it ?

My freshness spent its wavering shower i' the dust.

And now my heart is as a broken fount,

Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever

From the dank thoughts that shiver upon the sighful branches of my

Such is. What is to be ?

The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind ?

I dimly guess what Time in mists confounds,

Yet ever and anon, a trumpet sounds

From the hid battlements of Eternity.

Those shaken mists a space unsettle,

Then round the half-glimpse d turrets, slowly wash again.

But not 'ere Him who summoneth

I first have seen, enwound

With glooming robes purpureal; Cypress crowned.

His name I know, and what his trumpet saith.

Whether Man's Heart or Life it be that yield thee harvest,

Must thy harvest fields be dunged with rotten death ?

Now of that long pursuit,

Comes at hand the bruit.

That Voice is round me like a bursting Sea:

And is thy Earth so marred,

Shattered in shard on shard?

Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest me.

Strange, piteous, futile thing;

Wherefore should any set thee love apart?

Seeing none but I makes much of Naught (He said).

And human love needs human meriting ---

How hast thou merited,

Of all Man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot.

Alack! Thou knowest not

How little worthy of any love thou art.

Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,

Save me, save only me?

All which I took from thee, I did'st but take,

Not for thy harms,

But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms.

All which thy childs mistake fancies as lost,

I have stored for thee at Home.

Rise, clasp my hand, and come.

Halts by me that Footfall.

Is my gloom, after all,

Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?

Ah, Fondest, Blindest, Weakest,

I am He whom thou seekest.

Thou dravest Love from thee who dravest Me.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Oh Fudge

The smell of it. That's what brought it on. That smell of warm butter, hot sugar and human love wafted up from my stove today and through my aching arm and my cluttered mind I found it, my past.

In an instant I was a flashback reel on an old black and white movie of my own life, small with cold feet standing on the linoleum floors of my grandmothers kitchen watching her fret over a pot of fudge being made behind her by my aunt who kept tisking her away when she started to interfere.

Waiting. Christmas felt like waiting back then. Wait for school to get out. Wait for Christmas eve to get a present, jammies and a book. Wait for the sound of Santa, but fall asleep before he comes. Wait for morning to open your stockings. Wait for Dad to FINALLY get up to open your stockings. Wait for time to go to Grandma's. Wait for Christmas dinner. Wait for presents when everyone's had pie. Wait till later until you have another piece of fudge.

I could smell it, all of December. It smelled like fudge, but it was just a simple sort of love.

A Simple Christmas- Home Tour- Living Room

My Willow Tree Nativity is a prized possession and sits on the piano this year in front of some white lights and pine cone garland. The Christmas cards are also on display here (for now) and a Santa tea light holder. The picture on the piano is from Layla's baby's always in the livingroom somewhere.
This is our tree. It has lights but you can't see them in this picture. The presents underneath are for Grandparents, Nieces, Nephews, and the LaylaBug (mostly her...she got 4). Our tree has an odd collection of family related ornaments. This year I didn't put on any garlands or Christmas Balls because I didn't have room...or the desire.

This is the TV stand. The Snowman lights up but I don't plug him in because he's cuter unlit. There are fake poinsettia's around our foutain and the same pine cone garland with lights around the TV.

Normally I do the bloggy tour of Christmas homes because I've decked my house out and I want to show it off. This year we took a simpler approach to Christmas... smaller tree, less presents, less lights. So this is the just of my living room decorations this year (we'll be doing other rooms another day).

Friday, December 05, 2008

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever been close to someone and then they meet someone else through you and then the talk to that someone but they hardly ever ... no wait make that never... talk to you.

I've been leap frogged again...

and this time it was family.

The J O B

I got a job yesterday. I start Monday morning at 8 AM. It doesn't pay what I used to make (not even close) but it's close to home and it has good benefits so I am grateful. I need pants. Work pants are not something I enjoy buying but I'll make my way to the store tomorrow and get some so I'll be ready for Monday morning.

My faux sister-in-law (Dad's girlfriend's daughter) will be watching Layla. Layla loves her. She calls her name when we get to Dad's house. So that makes me hope she won't be crushed when I'm suddenly gone all day again.

So this weekend...we'll be living a little large so I can get lots of LaylaBug in before I head back into the working world.

Thank you Jesus

Things I am thankful for today...

I have a girlfriend who lets me talk about nothing for long periods of time.
I have a friend who brings over movies when the cable doesn't work.
I have a husband who makes me laugh and does the right thing.
I have a job.
I have internet that is working (finally).
I have plans to take my daughter the the Turlock Christmas Parade tonight.
I have hope.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Broken Lines of Communication

The phone service said I would have a working phone line Tuesday and working DSL by this AM, so I shouldn't be surprised that today I am still without so much as a dual dial tone! Instead I have a supervisor calling me back and an spot on Monday's calendar in case I can't talk someone into coming sooner. *sigh* just my rotten luck

I'd much rather be grocery shopping and getting a Christmas tree today. On the upside I have an unemployment extension for now while I look for a Job being as the J O. B hasn't bothered to call me back.

Tomorrow I have a city job test in a nearby town and it's the downtown Christmas lights parade parade I've never missed here in the little town we live in so at least I have things to worry about to distract me from the things I shouldn't be worried about.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Layla trying to "unlock" the door

4 weeks giveaway

First off let's talk about last weeks winner which is better late than never (pun intended)...

Teaseburger you won Words of Grace and a 1 lb bag of coffee from starbucks (email me what flavor-you know my email)! Congratulations!

This week tell me what item you desire most on your wishlist and get a chance to win a 1 lb bag of starbucks coffee and a copy of ygr party girl cookbook.

Leave a comment to enter or post on your blog and link in the comments! Contest ends Sunday Dec 7th at midnight!

Test photo

Rant for the EDD

I appreciate that you've extended benefits but for 6 days I've been calling 20 to 30 times a day and every time the phone disconnects me either as soon as I call or when I get to the "hold for a human".

I NEED an extension, I need to talk to a human, here's an idea how about you hire some unemployed people to answer the fucking phones!

This is ridiculus! No one should feel this sort of fear and anger over just trying to get help they qualify for! I suppose when I die of stress related causes my family can sue you, at least then they can eat and pay rent!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Ho Oh Ho

My phone rings out singing a few lines of Santa baby and she is up and dancing before I answer. What does Santa say I ask her when her skewed little hop is done, "ho oh ho" she giggles with her hands on her belly which she tries to shake like jelly. Adorable and spunky my little girl!

At bedtime she asks for her cow which was supposed to stuff a stocking but instead is her new bedtime stuffy. I see it now, how alive Christmas is now that she is old enough to see it with her own magical eyes.

Baby Jesus, I show her in the manager on the piano surrounded by sparkling lights and at night I tell her "goodnight Baby, mommy loves you, daddy loves you, baby Jesus loves you." on the nights Jon works and can't say goodnight on his own. Someday that will be a comfort to her but now it's just words... Just like last year Santa was just a guy in a red suit and this year he is a visual reminder of joy and an emotional trigger to happiness.

It's evolving, my Christmas spirit, from a sense of obligation to new eyes watching with the wonder and excitement of a child. My child.

Monday, December 01, 2008


We're going to be without internet until Thursday which doesn't excite me at all. In the interim I'll be stick using mobile blogger to limp out daily posts from my cell phone. So a quick update... Layla taught herself to whistle, the Christmas lights are up inside and out, and I still haven't heard from the J O B