Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Then it happened. In a tear filled call, I found out from my mom that she had been in a car accident and while she and her car where unharmed (relatively speaking) the pedestrian she accidently hit (who ran in front of her car in the dark...and was not her fault in ANY way) died. It was two days before Christmas when I found out.
There isn't much you can do from over 100 miles away when tragety hits. I offered to make the trip but she decided against it. She suprised us by forcing herself into the car to drive here on Christmas day to see the baby...and she's been here ever since. Baby therapy... it cures all grandma's broken hearts...at least a little.
And now I'm not so worried about how AT&T messed up my bill or how my car payment made us unreasonably tight... I'm worried about people feeling loved, about family being supportive and available...and about my mommy... because I'm a mommy too now... and I know sometimes love takes you a lot farther than you thought you could go.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
The picture itself isn't the best of any of us. But, being as we only got to choose from the 3 pictures we took before Layla FREAKED out and wouldn't hold still...it's pretty good. I'm not that big, Jon's not that shiny and Layla's hair isn't that untamed. At least I'm going to keep telling myself that when I see that picture as I walk up the stairs.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I watch my daughter changing with every breath she takes and I wonder at what point I lost the ability to be that adaptive. I guess at some point when I wasn't looking I just woke up and felt like and adult. And with that adulthood came that struggle to remain stable and good. I miss it sometimes, the reckless abandon that comes with young life.
Responsible, predictable, grateful. These are the things you become when you grow mature. So why am I still holding on to the hope that some other people will do the right thing. Why am I still hurt by a woman who seems to think she could shrug something so hateful away with a two cent apology? Why am I still scared to trust things I do not understand?
Because resolutions and proclaimations don't change your heart. Because knowing something and feeling it like second nature takes time and practice. Because I am human. And I can change... if I just keep trying. Even if it's not as easy as it was when I was younger.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I figure once you get to the point where you can't push things off until NEXT WEEK you can just start counting your blessings instead of sheep and deal with what you've got.
What have I got?
A head cold.
Yay me! *sigh*
I woke up this morning with a runny nose and a sore throat. I feel a lot less energized than normal and I'm not looking forward to having to lay down in bed tonight and dealing with a runny nose at bedtime. But I have blessings to count...
God loves me.
My family and friends are around for the holidays.
There are presents under my tree when I thought there wouldn't be.
My pantry is full.
I am not surrounded by horrible financial crisis (just mild) or three feet of snow in the door jam.
I have hope.
I have come to terms with my lack of good fitting jeans.
My daughter sings "what's this what's this there's magic everywhere..."
My husband and I can still say the exact same thing at the exact same time like we used to when we were dating.
I have a job.
Christmas is here.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Some things had to be done so I'l still be squeezing in pics with Santa tomorrow and one last showing of a Christmas Carole next week! I'll make Christmas baskets and I'll beg Jon to give me one present on Christmas eve ...
But that's just busy little ole me!
Monday, December 15, 2008
This week Layla ate her first WHOLE apple. Not to say that she ate the whole thing but I gave it to her whole and she ate some of it. Which, is a monument I thought was video worthy for you all to see.
The new job is awesome but I feel like I am constantly slightly behind on things around the house, this is partially because I used to have all day every day to get things done and partially because I am ACTUALLY behind. *sigh* So imagine my suprise and overwhelming excitement when I arrived home from work today and discovered that Mr Mom had cleaned my entire kitchen and picked up the downstairs while the baby was down for her afternoon nap.
Tomorrow Layla stays home in the morning with Miss Erin and then spends the afternoon with Mr Mom (formerly known as the hubby) while I go off to work and it appears that now that we're in week TWO of mommy having a job that's a much less traumatic event. In fact today when she woke up from her nap and I was home...she pretty much could care less. I think she was over it by the time I took all day Saturday and Sunday cuddling her through the worst parts of her rash (which is almost gone now) *thank god*
I found out this week that I'll also have the 26th of December off (I'm taking a floating holiday along with the rest of the new hires at work). We'll all have a FIVE (yes I said 5) day weekend at the end of December followed by a THREE day work week and another FOUR day weekend. I love this job. I'm not just saying that because of the 2 minute commute (walking or driving). I'm not saying it because I'll have TWO health insurance plans which overlap either. I'm saying it because in general it's one of the nicest places I've ever worked (as far as making people feel wanted and important) and that's saying ALOT because I've worked a lot of nice places.
Lot's of CAPS LOCK in this post isn't there? Perhaps I need a few more *sighs* and *thanks gods* thrown in for good measure so I can really make this look like it was writen by a 16 year old girl.
This weeks contest won't start until WEDNESDAY!! You'll see why on WEDNESDAY!!
For the record my favorite Christmas movie is actually the old "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" cartoon.
Also...unrelated but related... Janelle I finally got back to responding to your comment on this weeks contest entry so you'll want to go back and read that. I haven't gotten your email yet.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
And to think... next week will be much of the same thing... just in a different order.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I've got bills, don't get me wrong but it's been awhile since I wasn't playing juggle that utility service. Starting this week the hubby and I will have alternating pay days. Which will be a nice change. It's when things get slightly normal that the weird shit bubbles up.
Last night the hubby and I had drama. Or I should say, I had drama and it was the hubby's fault and so he slept on he couch...because I asked him to. Today I'm feeling better about the situation... not so much so that I am over it but enough so that he might get to use his own pillow tonight.
It's the first time we've had real marital drama and it ended with 10 minutes of joking around before I sent him downstairs...so we'll survive...we always do.
Maybe it's that little white bill that's making me so optomistic... he should thank TID.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Last week for our contest we talked about our most desired wish list item. Our winner was Courtney...who will have to email me which type of coffee she wants (she knows the address). Courtney wanted a lot of neat things but mostly she wanted a cute boy under her Christmas tree...one btw which she is dating and lives far far away and her blogs about him are things I love to read over on her blog Practicing Patience. So horray for Courtney and we'll be praying for you and that boy under the Christmas tree problem.
This week I want to talk about your favorite Christmas movie. Every year my husband and I (and just I before I had a husband) have had a Back in the Day party for our friends. Everyone comes over in their PJ's and we watch a collection of Christmas movies (classics, claymation, cartoon and even modern or musical) and we eat lots of cookies (everyone has to bring a dozen) and I make foods from our childhood. It's always good times.
This year in the effort to scale back some we made the party much smaller with fewer people and we are only going to show three movies on a Sunday afternoon but we'll still be having that Back in the Day feel everyone has grown to love.
We won't however be showing my favorite Christmas movie.
This week our giveaway has 2 parts. You get 1 entry if you post a comment with your favorite Christmas movie in it. You get 1 more entry if you can correctly guess my favorite Christmas movie. Enteries must be in before midnight on Sunday and the winner will get a Hot Chocolate Sampler. Yummy!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
This weekend is another fun one for us. Saturday I am hoping to take Layla to Christmas Tree Lane to walk around and to see the mini train here in town. On Sunday we'll be having our Annual Back in the Day party where everyone wears PJs, eats food from their childhood, brings cookies and watches movies that were popular when we were younger.
Also this week, I'm expecting my Christmas cards to arrive and once those are here I'll be dropping off some gifts (homemade) for family members in the area...probably on Saturday as well...before dark.
The realization of much simpler life is with a smaller Christmas is settling in all around me. The smaller tree isn't overwhelming in the living room and the few presents under it are easy to keep the kids away from. Boy I am glad God forced me to take this route.
Monday, December 08, 2008
If you are reading this, you are not on your way to work. I am not reading this...because I am.
Last week, the day after my job offer, my husband and I took another financial blow. But you know what... I have a job...and with that job comes a little hope.
So I'm off to work and I'll tell you all about it later.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
The Hound of Heaven
I fled Him down the nights and down the days
I fled Him down the arches of the years
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears
I hid from him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped and shot precipitated
Adown titanic glooms of chasmed hears
From those strong feet that followed, followed after
But with unhurrying chase and unperturbed pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat, and a Voice beat,
More instant than the feet:
All things betray thee who betrayest me.
I pleaded, outlaw--wise by many a hearted casement,
curtained red, trellised with inter-twining charities,
For though I knew His love who followed,
Yet was I sore adread, lest having Him,
I should have nought beside.
But if one little casement parted wide,
The gust of his approach would clash it to.
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Across the margent of the world I fled,
And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clange d bars,
Fretted to dulcet jars and silvern chatter
The pale ports of the moon.
I said to Dawn --- be sudden, to Eve --- be soon,
With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over
From this tremendous Lover.
Float thy vague veil about me lest He see.
I tempted all His servitors but to find
My own betrayal in their constancy,
In faith to Him, their fickleness to me,
Their traitorous trueness and their loyal deceit.
To all swift things for swiftness did I sue,
Clung to the whistling mane of every wind,
But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,
The long savannahs of the blue,
Or whether, thunder-driven,
They clanged His chariot thwart a heaven,
Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn of their feet,
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Still with unhurrying chase and unperturbed pace
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following feet, and a Voice above their beat:
Nought shelters thee who wilt not shelter Me.
I sought no more that after which I strayed
In face of Man or Maid.
But still within the little childrens' eyes
Seems something, something that replies,
They at least are for me, surely for me.
But just as their young eyes grew sudden fair,
With dawning answers there,
Their angel plucked them from me by the hair.
Come then, ye other children, Nature's
Share with me, said I, your delicate fellowship.
Let me greet you lip to lip,
Let me twine with you caresses,
Wantoning with our Lady Mother's vagrant tresses,
Banqueting with her in her wind walled palace,
Underneath her azured dai:s,
Quaffing, as your taintless way is,
From a chalice, lucent weeping out of the dayspring.
So it was done.
I in their delicate fellowship was one.
Drew the bolt of Nature's secrecies,
I knew all the swift importings on the wilful face of skies,
I knew how the clouds arise,
Spumed of the wild sea-snortings.
All that's born or dies,
Rose and drooped with,
Made them shapers of mine own moods, or wailful, or Divine.
With them joyed and was bereaven.
I was heavy with the Even,
when she lit her glimmering tapers round the day's dead sanctities.
I laughed in the morning's eyes.
I triumphed and I saddened with all weather,
Heaven and I wept together,
and its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine.
Against the red throb of its sunset heart,
I laid my own to beat
And share commingling heat.
But not by that, by that was eased my human smart.
In vain my tears were wet on Heaven's grey cheek.
For ah! we know what each other says,
these things and I; In sound I speak,
Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.
Nature, poor step-dame, cannot slake my drouth.
Let her, if she would owe me
Drop yon blue-bosomed veil of sky
And show me the breasts o' her tenderness.
Never did any milk of hers once bless my thirsting mouth.
Nigh and nigh draws the chase, with unperturbe d pace
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
And past those noise d feet, a Voice comes yet more fleet:
Lo, nought contentst thee who content'st nought Me.
Naked, I wait thy Love's uplifted stroke. My harness, piece by piece,
thou'st hewn from me
And smitten me to my knee,
I am defenceless, utterly.
I slept methinks, and awoke.
And slowly gazing, find me stripped in sleep.
In the rash lustihead of my young powers,
I shook the pillaring hours,
and pulled my life upon me.
Grimed with smears,
I stand amidst the dust o' the mounded years--
My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.
My days have crackled and gone up in smoke,
Have puffed and burst like sunstarts on a stream.
Yeah, faileth now even dream the dreamer
and the lute, the lutanist.
Even the linked fantasies in whose blossomy twist,
I swung the Earth, a trinket at my wrist,
Have yielded, cords of all too weak account,
For Earth, with heavy grief so overplussed.
Ah! is thy Love indeed a weed,
albeit an Amaranthine weed,
Suffering no flowers except its own to mount?
Ah! must, Designer Infinite,
Ah! must thou char the wood 'ere thou canst limn with it ?
My freshness spent its wavering shower i' the dust.
And now my heart is as a broken fount,
Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever
From the dank thoughts that shiver upon the sighful branches of my
Such is. What is to be ?
The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind ?
I dimly guess what Time in mists confounds,
Yet ever and anon, a trumpet sounds
From the hid battlements of Eternity.
Those shaken mists a space unsettle,
Then round the half-glimpse d turrets, slowly wash again.
But not 'ere Him who summoneth
I first have seen, enwound
With glooming robes purpureal; Cypress crowned.
His name I know, and what his trumpet saith.
Whether Man's Heart or Life it be that yield thee harvest,
Must thy harvest fields be dunged with rotten death ?
Now of that long pursuit,
Comes at hand the bruit.
That Voice is round me like a bursting Sea:
And is thy Earth so marred,
Shattered in shard on shard?
Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest me.
Strange, piteous, futile thing;
Wherefore should any set thee love apart?
Seeing none but I makes much of Naught (He said).
And human love needs human meriting ---
How hast thou merited,
Of all Man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot.
Alack! Thou knowest not
How little worthy of any love thou art.
Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save me, save only me?
All which I took from thee, I did'st but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms.
All which thy childs mistake fancies as lost,
I have stored for thee at Home.
Rise, clasp my hand, and come.
Halts by me that Footfall.
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?
Ah, Fondest, Blindest, Weakest,
I am He whom thou seekest.
Thou dravest Love from thee who dravest Me.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
In an instant I was a flashback reel on an old black and white movie of my own life, small with cold feet standing on the linoleum floors of my grandmothers kitchen watching her fret over a pot of fudge being made behind her by my aunt who kept tisking her away when she started to interfere.
Waiting. Christmas felt like waiting back then. Wait for school to get out. Wait for Christmas eve to get a present, jammies and a book. Wait for the sound of Santa, but fall asleep before he comes. Wait for morning to open your stockings. Wait for Dad to FINALLY get up to open your stockings. Wait for time to go to Grandma's. Wait for Christmas dinner. Wait for presents when everyone's had pie. Wait till later until you have another piece of fudge.
I could smell it, all of December. It smelled like fudge, but it was just a simple sort of love.
This is our tree. It has lights but you can't see them in this picture. The presents underneath are for Grandparents, Nieces, Nephews, and the LaylaBug (mostly her...she got 4). Our tree has an odd collection of family related ornaments. This year I didn't put on any garlands or Christmas Balls because I didn't have room...or the desire.
Friday, December 05, 2008
I've been leap frogged again...
and this time it was family.
My faux sister-in-law (Dad's girlfriend's daughter) will be watching Layla. Layla loves her. She calls her name when we get to Dad's house. So that makes me hope she won't be crushed when I'm suddenly gone all day again.
So this weekend...we'll be living a little large so I can get lots of LaylaBug in before I head back into the working world.
I have a girlfriend who lets me talk about nothing for long periods of time.
I have a friend who brings over movies when the cable doesn't work.
I have a husband who makes me laugh and does the right thing.
I have a job.
I have internet that is working (finally).
I have plans to take my daughter the the Turlock Christmas Parade tonight.
I have hope.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
I'd much rather be grocery shopping and getting a Christmas tree today. On the upside I have an unemployment extension for now while I look for a Job being as the J O. B hasn't bothered to call me back.
Tomorrow I have a city job test in a nearby town and it's the downtown Christmas lights parade parade I've never missed here in the little town we live in so at least I have things to worry about to distract me from the things I shouldn't be worried about.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Teaseburger you won Words of Grace and a 1 lb bag of coffee from starbucks (email me what flavor-you know my email)! Congratulations!
This week tell me what item you desire most on your wishlist and get a chance to win a 1 lb bag of starbucks coffee and a copy of ygr party girl cookbook.
Leave a comment to enter or post on your blog and link in the comments! Contest ends Sunday Dec 7th at midnight!
I NEED an extension, I need to talk to a human, here's an idea how about you hire some unemployed people to answer the fucking phones!
This is ridiculus! No one should feel this sort of fear and anger over just trying to get help they qualify for! I suppose when I die of stress related causes my family can sue you, at least then they can eat and pay rent!
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
At bedtime she asks for her cow which was supposed to stuff a stocking but instead is her new bedtime stuffy. I see it now, how alive Christmas is now that she is old enough to see it with her own magical eyes.
Baby Jesus, I show her in the manager on the piano surrounded by sparkling lights and at night I tell her "goodnight Baby, mommy loves you, daddy loves you, baby Jesus loves you." on the nights Jon works and can't say goodnight on his own. Someday that will be a comfort to her but now it's just words... Just like last year Santa was just a guy in a red suit and this year he is a visual reminder of joy and an emotional trigger to happiness.
It's evolving, my Christmas spirit, from a sense of obligation to new eyes watching with the wonder and excitement of a child. My child.