Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
She's 30 3/4" long and 20.1 lbs. That's 95% for height and 23 % for weight. She tested perfectly for all the other things we measure, talking in "mini sentences" and walked for the Dr when asked. (she likes Dr Scott)
After her shots she screamed for Daddy for 20 minutes straight when we got home. So I packed her back into the car and we went to see Daddy at work and grabbed a quickly breakfast (her lunch) before bringing her home for a nap.
When reading off the milestone marker list... she'd done most of the things on the 15 month old list already. Dr Scott said "that's super awesome" because he's Canadian and they say silly things like "super awesome".
He was also very entertained when it came time to check her throat and she stuck her tongue out like a rock star when I asked her too (think Kiss). I guess for most kids the gagging wooden stick is a horrible part... so we got lucky there.
All in all he said she was "brilliant" and "super healthy" and that I was doing an "awesome job" because she was "comfortable, smart and very friendly"
Yay for us!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The reason? The baby keeps me busy doing things that aren't so "busy".
So here are some easy ways that take less than 30 minutes to burn calories during one of the nap times or quiet times in your day. Remember... if you do one of these calories while HOLDING a baby you will burn MORE calories and also qualify to be a martyr. Ok maybe not that last part... I might have made that martyr thing up.
So here are 10 easy ways to burn 100 calories today...
1. Steady cycling for 10 minutes
2. Doing a fitness video for 10-15 minutes
3. Brisk walking for 15 minutes
4. Stair climbing for 15-20 minutes (IN A ROW... 1 trip up or down every 5 minutes doesn't count)
5. Housework for 20 minutes (by housework we do not mean making a to do list for the hubby)
6. Gardening for 25-30 minutes (Or picking up 1000 lawn toys for the same amount of time while shouting "stay away from the street!!")
7. Washing and waxing the car for 20-30 minutes (or cleaning the floor of food debris on your hands and knees for the same of time (briskly))
8. Dancing for 20 minutes (this includes the Wiggles "where's jeff" or "dance like an emu" songs)
9. Grocery shopping for 30-40 minutes (Target counts too)
10. Pushing a lawn mower for 15-20 minutes (Or a stroller, filled with a screaming child who is throwing their weight around)
Well... now I have a 1 year old. It just doesn't work out the way it used to.
So this week when Jon's cousin Sarah came to visit we didn't really clean up much. You know we washed the sheets and what not but no deep cleaning the carpets. We also didn't focus on being the biggest best birthday party around this year for Layla's first birthday.
The combination of which was a great weekend. (despite people trying to get the best of me) We managed to have a great time, we spent some time alone with our guest, some time out with friends and everyone went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Layla's party... it was wonderful. But that's another post. Pictures of it are up on her blog starting now (and probably trickling in for the rest of the week).
Regrets? I didn't eat until much too late yesterday. I didn't get a picture with my Dad and Teri holding the baby at the party (I'm hoping someone else did). I can't find my favorite underwear (unrelated but I still regret it).
Not much considering it's been a busy four days. Now I'm going to call my BFF and get my BS on.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
You are one now (well not now but tomorrow). One. A whole number of years. Such an accomplishment for a baby who everyone told me wouldn't make it. But, we prayed for you. We prayed everyday. Some of us still pray today.
I blame the fact that you spent your quiet womb time fighting for survival for your overwhelming determination to be able to do everything. You just HAD to talk. You just HAD to walk. You have this little force inside you that seems to push you to keep exploring, learning, growing, adapting.
When things don't go your way you prove you have both mommy's impatience and Daddy's temper. Usually you shake whatever isn't working while you growl at it (that part you learned from your Godfather) and then you either bite it or head butt it. And then you take a deep breath and try again. (That part is a lot like your Papa Glen...the big breath before you start over)
You are wickedly smart. I know some people would say that I'm bias but you've proven them all wrong with your 75 word vocabulary (at least 75...that's where I lost count) and you little steps across the living room and the way you communicate what you want and need.
This month you deciphered the difference between "ya" and "no no" which you enjoy flexing your power with. "do you want to go upstairs baby?", "ya", "do you want a green bean baby?", "no NO no". You have your father's love of pushing the limit, insisting on doing everything you're told not to at least 3 times before you cry and stop. You have your mother's love of trying new things...especially new spicy foods.
You love TV shows with music, objects you can put into and out of other objects, buttons, and Nana. Oh my how you love Nana. Every day you look for Nana. Every day you talk to Nana on the phone. You are very in LOVE with Nana.
You're going through a Daddy phase. You get very upset when Daddy leaves for work and EXTREMELY happy when he comes home from work. You scream his name and run after him, only to see him for a few seconds and then run back to what you were doing.
You and I have a very special bond. You trust me with all things comforting. When you are sick I am your medicine, when you are tired I am your lullaby, when you are hot I am your dealer for bath tub time with an over abundance of plastic ducks.
You have some things I would call your favorites now. The blankey Jeromy gave you for your crib. Your singing dog from Nana Susan. Your swimmy sticks in the bath tub from Nana Lorrie. Your bottles the way mommy makes them. Playing jump, bounce, throw with Daddy in the big comfy chair. You like Jacks Big Music Show, Johnny and the Sprites, Handy Manny and Jon and Kate plus 8. You like the movie Cars and your toy cars. You like to drum on things, sing and dance. You like to go fast, explore and be chased. You like to push buttons, sort things, and steal my share of the blocks.
You also have made your hate clear on a few things. Green beans top the list of hates. Doesn't matter how I get them on your plate, they always end up on my floor. Sometimes they find the floor via projectile spitting. That's never nice. You hate when people you don't recognize walk away with you. You don't like it when other children playing turns into chaos. You don't like it when reading time is over, when bath time gets cut short because you won't sit on your hinney or when Daddy sneezes. You also dislike cats, which is funny because you're allergic to them, and I always wonder if you know that.
For the most part you love everything. You love the smallest things. Things I never even noticed before now give me great joy because i see them through your eyes. Your a toddler now, a word using, floor walking, game playing, read me that book againing, toddler. In some things it's obvious how big you are, your size in old pictures, your newly found love of trying to feed people with spoons, your ever developing knowledge. But you'll always be my baby.
The baby I prayed for. The baby I swelled up with love for. The baby I fought for. The baby who gives the best kisses, the sweetest hugs, and the reason I am. You are daddy's little rocker, mommy's little princess and your own little self.
And I love you.
Friday, September 26, 2008
First Sleep through the night 2 weeks old
First roll over to tummy 6 weeks old
First out loud laugh 7 weeks old
First grabbing items with hands 8 weeks old
First baby food @ 3 months 2 weeks
First Out Loud Laugh @ 4 months
Rolling tummy to back & back @ 4 months
First 3 teeth @ once 4 months 2 weeks old
First Solid Food & Juice @ 6 months
First Sitting Up Unassisted @ 6 months
First Feeding Herself Snacks @ 6 months
First Word (Hi!) @ 6.5 months
First Rolling/Scooting across the floor @ 7 months
First Wave @ 7.5 months
Crawling @ 8 months
First Pull Herself Up to Stand @ 9 months
First Free Kneeling @ 9 months
First Free Stand (no hands) @ 9 months
First 2 steps @ 10 months \
First real walking @ 11 months
First 65 word list was made @ 11 months
First feeding self with utensils @ 11 1/2 months
First kisses @ 11 months
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I've been redoing the pictures in the babies room. By redoing I mean that I have taken down the old pictures and hung empty frames while I wait for new pictures to print. The old pictures are in a pile in the kitchen.
Two days ago Layla found the pile and toted Auntie Mel around for about an hour. She kept giving her open mouthed kisses and the picture didn't survive but watching her was worth it.
I tried showing her other pictures. Grammi Chris, Aunt Mandi with Cousin Nevaeh, Papa Glen, George, random other people who used to be on the wall that are getting re-printed. Nope... only Auntie Mel got some love.
Perhaps, that is due to the fact that Auntie Mel used to watch her while Mommy was at work and they have some deep unspoken bound made over the disney channel reruns and scheduled feedings. Or maybe, she just knew it was almost Auntie Mel's birthday.
Either way... She loves her Auntie Mel. And so do we. I totally miss Mel now that she lives far away in WA. (why do the people I like all move to Washington?) Anyhow, I click over on Auntie Mel's blog at least once a day if not more.
Today is Auntie Mel's birthday. So Happy Birthday Auntie Mel. Click the link in the side bar and go wish her some birthday love. (Jeffery's in WA)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
This morning she got up early and with the onset of Autumn in the near future we stumbled downstairs in the DARK. I mean DARK people. I set her down, flipped a light switch and turned to ask her if she wanted a bottle. She was half way up the stairs in the DARK!
After I put the gate at the bottom of the stairs, while I made her morning bottle she practiced drumming on the trash can lid for awhile, emptied out my entire tupperware drawer and crawled into the fridge to explore the soda cans on the second shelf. That was um... 30 seconds of play by play.
While she ate her banana breakfast I recovered the kitchen floor from under the plastic debris piled everywhere and did a load of dishes. Within 2 minutes of getting out of her chair she had sprinkled raisins all over my clean kitchen floor, pulled every straw we own out of the cabinet and pulled the blinds partially open in the kitchen.
I left it there. It's not a battle I feel like facing this morning. Tonight when she goes to bed I'll get the joy of cleaning graham cracker out of the living room rug, getting the finger prints off my stereo face, putting all the toys away and trying to locate my keys (which she stole today around 11 am).
Suddenly, going to work every day seems a lot easier than staying home. Perhaps, if she wasn't so fearless it wouldn't be so bad. I mean some kids don't jump face first off of things, some kids don't climb into their toy box to reach the window blinds better, some kids don't knock down baby gates to get up the stairs or into the kitchen. But, my kid does.
And I love her. I love her more than you could possibly imagine and I'm proud of her every time she makes me want to scream and cover my head with the blankets and pretend to be invisible... I love her.
I love that she drives me crazy singing the same song every day for at least an hour, I love that I've read the same 4 books about 4 million times in 4 days. I love that she's climbing and walking and jumping. I love every broken english sentence and every wiggle worm moment. I just wish they were more like 45 seconds apart instead of BACK to BACK. So I could appreciate them more.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Over the next thirty minutes I watch 20 lbs flip itself in every direction so as to successfully kick both myself and my husband in every funerable piece of soft tissue we have exposed. In a last ditch effort to fight sleep she flips herself upside down placing her feet on my boobs and her head against my left thigh and crashes out with my stolen covers wrapped around her. Cold and exposed with tiny toes on my chin I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion.
I am told that around 6:30 am she woke up and started bugging the hubby. I slept through that part and awoke around 7 am as he was talking to her in the bed between us while she practiced 11 month old gymnastics and toddle walking on piles of comforters. It takes another 12 minutes before it becomes clear I will not be conscience any time soon and as Jon reaches his fully awake point at around 7:20 they make their way to clean diapers and a bottle downstairs while I drift back to sleep.
I awake at 9 am to the sound of whining downstairs. I glimpse at the clock and yell downstairs (in the nicest way possible) that it is nap time and I hear a few minutes later the clonk of baby knees climbing stairs with an encouraging daddy behind them. Minutes later a tired hubby lumps into the other side of the bed and quickly drifts back to sleep as I hear the baby bedtime noise maker playing music in the crib over the baby monitor.
I awake near 10 am and decide I should get up before the baby does. I make my way downstairs and determine they had waffles for breakfast. I decide to make myself some waffles and put on CMT while I drink a cup of tea. When the baby wakes up from her nap at 10:30 I rush up the stairs to get her so she doesn't wake up the slumbering Jon across the hall from her.
We do a round of diapers, clothing for the day and head downstairs with the promise of a snack and juice cup. While she snacks I talk on the phone with my mother and BFF in WA and then she plays for awhile by herself until she lures me into the floor to play too.
She has a lunch of ham and cheese and apples while I clean up some of the kitchen and then when we go upstairs for another diaper change Daddy wakes up at around noon. We talk a little and then they play on the bed while I finish doing some upstairs clean up.
In the beginning of my life as a mother I never got to sleep in. I was always the one up. Recently, after the cough illness that just passed here, Jon has started getting up with the baby on occassion. It's probably the 2nd best gift he's ever given me... ok maybe the third best. It's wonderful to know he's down there loving on her and that she's calm and happy while I snore LOUDLY alone. It's better than going to the bathroom with out a toddling audience of one. And that my friends is saying a lot.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
In the wind I can hear the song that was playing on the radio that morning. I'm not sure if I hear it in my head or perhaps it is gently gliding in from one of the houses near by but I humm it inside my head as I continue to methodically pump my legs in and out. As the lyrics of the song pick up my empty little soul, I begin to play with fate, my arms stretched out to both sides I swing now without hands. Then quickly grabbing back onto the swing chains with my hands and feeling their rusty hot metal indent my skin I lean back with all my body weight and soar almost upside down feet pointed towards the sky.
Somewhere in my flight I hear a whistle, faintly first and then louder and I open my eyes which I hadn't even realized where closed. The color of the playground, the brightness of the sun and the sounds of children running back to line up for class flood into my head again. I jump off the swing before it stops swinging and hang for a second in the air before my ankles clud ungracefully to the earth and run after them.
The new girl. Last in line, last in role call, last to be picked until you make friends at the kick ball field. And so I walk behind them in line to whatever we're doing next as a class and I day dream. I am in a tall tower and I am doing magic. The magic that I do makes people think I am invisible. And that's how I stay... invisible... at the back of the class, at the top of the swings, at the end of the lunch table up against the back wall of the cafeteria.
In my tower the breeze whips through my hair dancing off my sweaty face. In my tower the music of the town whafts up to me in the breeze and I can sing along without anyone hearing me. In my tower I am waiting for the spell to wear off and to become visible again so I can join them in a great feast like the books I read from the library talk about. Books that smell of old paper and abandonment which tell me that I will not be forgotten in my tower, someday, someone... will rescue me.
Friday, September 19, 2008
That was it. She didn't even technically fall. She just stopped. And of course now that Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on I can't get her to do it again. But I have one fuzzy picture and a memory that will last a lifetime.
In typical LaylaBug fashion she did it on her terms. It wasn't a clumsy step to Mommy or Daddy's outstretched arm or a careful set of steps next to something stable to hold on to. It was an adventure...and she took it on without a safety net.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Mel was talking about how in her authentic relationship with God (and that of several people she knows) she struggles with doubting God and then feeling like she's making God "prove himself"... if you want to know more click the link HERE.
So I immediately started thinking about the story of Jacob in Genesis. Jacob had lied to his brother and was planning on going back to make ammends with him. Just before he got there he stopped alone alongside a stream and started to wrestle "a man" (no one knows if this is God or an angel but it was a biblical man with the power to bless him).
Jacob struggled all night and in the morning the man knocked Jacob's hip out of joint and told Jacob to let him go but Jacob wouldn't. Jacob kept wrestling. The man asked Jacob his name and when Jacob told him he told Jacob... "no longer...now you will be known as Isreal which means God wrestler".
Jacob begged the man to bless him before he let him go and kept asking the mans name but the man would not tell him. In the end the man blessed him, Isreal (Jacob) was let go to go talk to his brother and he limped off to do his task from God.
He named the place Peniel because it means God's face and he said in that place "he saw God and lived to tell the story". (Now if you want the exact story you can click HERE which will take you to the Biblegateway verses for Genesis 32:22-32)
I'm a lot like Jacob. I think we all are. We have this task in front of us and we struggle with either wanting desperately to know we are blessed before we move on or wanting desperately to know more about our relationship with God and his plan for us before we can take another step in our journey.
The thing is, in this bible story we learn that God knows that in our authentic relationship with him we will come to points in our journey and we will struggle. Some of those struggles will change us (Jacob got a new name and a limp) but in the end we will know more about ourselves and God (even if it's not what we expected to know- Jacob never learned the name of the person he was wrestling with but he was blessed).
God expects us to be human. He expects us to make choices and he even expects us to struggle over what choices to make. God knows we won't always be comfortable with our relationship with him. It is human nature *just like Mel says in her blog*.
But where my opinion of human nature differs from some is that I don't think God wants us to feel guilty about being human. God's entire existence is constant proof that he wants us to desire to know him and love him. And he wants a restored relationship with us... that's what he calls it "a relationship" and for those of us in any type of relationship (marraige, friendship, love, family, hate) you know that the struggle to understand and know each other is ever changing.
God uses those changes *just like our friends and family* to know us deeper, to understand us more, to reveal to us the desires of his heart, and to show us how the desires of our hearts can reflect his love to others.
God would rather call us Isreal than take us to a place where we have no relationship with us.
So for now... he can call me Isreal whenever he wants.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I'm in the final running and I find myself day dreaming about what might be. So before the interview when my stomach was tumbling I said a little prayer in the car and texted some people to pray for me as well.
Then, to my best friend I sent the test "me = nervous" and recieved a text back as I was walking into the office "me= confident in you".
My confidence swelled a little knowing someone else truly believed I could make it and I spent the next half an hour talking, laughing, discussing and trying to peg all the necessary job skills off a mental check list...one by one while not seeming too obvious.
And now I wait...
So the next text might read "me = not confident while waiting impatiently"
But at least I got the chance to try.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
So I thought...tomorrow will be better... and I went to bed.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Go check it out
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I have SEVERE bronchitis and tonsillitis...he said 1-2 more days and I would have had pneumonia.
Jon called in sick to work today and stayed home to take care of the Laylabug. I slept most of the day in a blur of penicillin drugs and cough syrup with codeine.
The baby just went to bed for the night and I think I'm next in line for the pillows... still in my clothing from yesterday smelling of won ton soup and sickness.
Tomorrow will be a better day... I'm sure.
(Because I know the maker of Oktoberfest is reading this and thinks it might be her...it's not you... I totally still love you darling LOL)
I hadn't really thought about dealing wiht this different relationship. I figured things would just go on the way they had but as time brought up an opportunity I find myself laying in bed thinking of all the things that "could go wrong" and make things worse in this broken relationship.
Plus, now my trust is gone so I assume in some part of me that this might be a trick or trap even though it could very well be nothing.
It's a strange thing when a relationship changes because you spend a lot of time looking back on the way it was...and the truth of the matter is it may never get back to the way it was. So then you're stuck there wondering if you even want to deal with what it's changing into.
Friday, September 12, 2008
That was until I threw up...
too much coughing...
Then she cried hysterically at my feet and I lost my parent of the year award as I shoved her out the bathroom door into the kitchen so I could puke in private and listened to her hit the door with her tiny little hands crying for Mommy.
Mommy was crying for her mommy too. And, counting down the hours until Daddy got home.
Last night I went to bed at 9 because I couldn't handle hacking up my lungs any more. The
baby and Jon both got a head cold but me I was lucky enough to have the same cold go directly to my weak bronicial tubes. I've always been a sucker for a good case of bronchitis.
So the baby who has been sleeping in her own bed in her own room for well over a month ended up in bed with me a few times the first couple nights that she was sick. And then she slept in her bed alone two nights and I thought we were on the uphill stretch for her.
Then midnight came... and I awoke to a crying baby covered in her own snot (despite getting cold meds before bed) which I got up, changed her diaper, cleaned her up and moved her into the spare bed (where I've been sleeping since she got sick because she's very restless and it's just easier). She immediately goes back to sleep and I think "phew that was easy".
When 2 am rolls around she thinks it's time to wake up for the morning. She proceeds rolling over me which makes me cough and then mimicing my coughing noise. She also makes the elephant noise whenever I blow my nose and in general has a great time staring at me because she's wide awake and I'm still fighting the cough syrup coma.
When daddy gets into the shower for work around 3 am she spends the whole time he is in the shower screaming "dad-dEEEEE" until he comes out and I have him watch her for a second while I go pee because listening to the shower almost did me in. Then I change another diaper and mysteriously she goes back to sleep without a fuss.
That gets us through until 5:45 when it becomes clear she will NOT be going back to sleep so while I go to the bathroom she empties out two bathroom shelves and then we go downstairs leaving a trail of baby rubble behind us on the floor.
She has a bottle and a waffle because I am too tired to make an egg. Then we settle in for some Disney shows...and then at 7:45 she loses her sh*t... still haven't figured out why. The scream scares me so much I jump up forgetting a glass of tea was sitting on my lap and shower myself and the couch with hot tea....
She screams the whole time I strip naked, I leave the couch for later and rush to her to find that she is screaming.... why? guess?
Because you can't pull the wheel off tonka trucks.
I think it's time for a nap.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Here is the first one which I got from two lovely people. It's just a question and answer forward thingy...
1. What is your occupation right now? Official CEO of Nose and Ass Wiping (Mommy for short)
2. What color are your socks right now? Socks are not my friends
3. What are you listening to right now? The cieling fan, the baby breathing through the baby monitor while she naps in the next room
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Butter & Garlic Club Crackers (which I HIGHLY recommend)
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes, but I wouldn't want to
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Lynn, last night...
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I got it from my mom and Teri and they are both swell
8. How old are you today? 29...dear god... I'm 29... that's...You are 29 years old . . .
354 months old or 1537 weeks old or 10760 days old or 258240 hours old or 15494412 minutes old or 929664760 seconds old
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? wrestling...duh...GO Jeff Hardy...Wooo HOooo
10. What is your favorite drink? Pepsi with lots of ice
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes and I have the roots to prove it
12. Favorite food? Crab and Shrimp Boil
13. What is the last movie you watched? Across the Universe (totally not worth it)
14. Favorite day of the year? Christmas Morning
15. How do you vent anger? I call Lynn and I use swear words with wild abandon
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? My dog Princess & my imagination
17. What is your favorite season? Autumn/Winter
18. Cherries or Blueberries? Blueberries
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? usually if I email someone I expect them to email back.
20. Who is the most likely to respond? Lynn...she likes a good blog prompt
21. Who is least likely to respond? Mom and Teri they already did this
22. Living arrangements? close but comfortable
23. When was the last time you cried? Day before yesterday
24. What is on the floor of your closet? shoes and clothing the baby pulled off my hangers
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Lynn
26. What did you do last night? I watched Jon and Kate plus 8 then talked to Lynn on the phone
27. What are you most afraid of ? being a disappointment to my family.
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburger? Spicy with cheese
29. Favorite dog breed? Brussels Griffon or German Short Hair
30. Favorite Day of the week? Saturday
31. How many states have you lived in? 1
32. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
33. What is your favorite flower? Callalillies
And then I got this two things one...
Two Things you are wearing right now
Blew my nose repeatedly
Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow
Two Favorite Beverages
Pepsi with Malibu
"phew" for a second there I thought I was going to have to write something real and deep and personal. I almost gave in and did it.
I have a hard time blogging about my relationship with my family lately. I have a hard time blogging about when I am struggling with something and I can't wrap my head around it. I have a hard time blogging about sex, politics and the weather.
Mostly, I have a hard time picking a topic when I have a head cold, a sick kid, and I'm out of milk so I can't make myself a nice cup of tea with milk and sugar. That's a real pisser to blog around.
I have also for the most part stopped blogging about books I have read or will be reading because know one ever comments on those so I think no one reads them. I moved all the recipe blogs over to fat girl eats and there has been one a day there for the last 2 weeks that no one is reading and I have a hard time posting a sentence like that because I feel like I'm fishing for comments.
I have a hard time blogging about blogging. I have a hard time blogging about nothing and I have a hard time not resorting to a week straight of bullet point blogs and lists about nothing.
Lately, I just have a hard time blogging. It's like back when the entire church read my blog and I had to worry about them judging me only now I'm worried that I'm not allowed to be me and the person I'm "allowed" to be isn't someone I want to blog about.
But, I'm almost over it.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Instead of sleeping I wonder about the state of the world, the state of my marriage, the state of my daughters head cold, the state of the basket of laundry I forgot to put in the washer, the state of my runny nose, the state of the clock that keeps clipping along without my eyes closing to peaceful slumbers and even in a moment of desperation the state of my hair even though no one would be seeing it.
Alas, I thought for awhile you were gone but insomnia, restless mornings in a haze and this long evening remind me that you are in fact with me. You are ever-present and like satan himself you taunt me with mission impossible thoughts I can not erase at 3 am.
Tonight, I will not solve the worries of the world, I will not determine what is so wrong with my recipe for corn bread, I will not answer the age old question of why mother-in-laws plague your thoughts once you are married... but I will think about all these things and a thousand more.
Somewhere in the incomfortable silence I will find comfort and drift to sleep. I'll lull there between the babies heavy breathing on the monitor, my husbands rhythmic snores and the sounds of the ceiling whirling above and I'll stop thinking so hard about nothing. And in that moment the panic will awaken me. Just 3 seconds of panic. Like a bad dream kicking on in high volume and for a second I'll forget how peaceful I was...
And then I'll lay back down with my anxieties and pray myself to sleep.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Day four ends with my throat scratchy, my head dizzy and yet another full day of activities that can not be rescheduled tomorrow.
Luckily... people rarely die from the cold...
So I'll probably make it.
Monday, September 08, 2008
He keeps me respectful, most of the time. He keeps me honest, except when we play cards. He keeps me talking, even when he wishes I was upstairs sleeping so he could go up a level on his video games. He keeps me.
He is stubborn, competitive, and gets passionate about things I sometimes don't understand. He baffles me with his ability to remain calm when I am boiling over. He is the reason my cup runneth over, the patient moment at the end of a day when no words need to fill the room, and the only reason I am starting to understand the concept of "dealing with siblings".
He never expects me to be perfect and yet calls me the perfect thing when I least expect it which makes me sometimes wonder if he is. He makes me feel sexy when he is witty with me and lets me express my over the top, curse like a sailor and act like a 17 year old side.
Because of him I am a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter and a simplier friend. He has become the voice of reason in my moments of panic, the voice of forgiveness in my moments of anger and the voice of love in the moments when I lose my faith.
You would think that's why I married him... but the truth is that who he is has been amplified by our marriage, his becoming a father and our growth together. Who he is has become defined by moments of chaos, moments of pain, moments of struggle.
He has aged so much more gracefully than I have in this two years of marriage and now I know that I loved the man I married... and I love that marrying him made him into a man I can love even more.
I love that he is part of what defines me. He is part of what makes me who I am. For I am his and I always will be. His love is... undefinable.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
After the third verse she turns her head slightly to my direction and flashes me a wicked little smile. A smile I have seen before but never on her face. The light dances in her eyes and the corner of her lips curl up as she sings a little louder... "i-e-i-e-o".
"E-I-E-I-O!" I sing loudly, thrusting myself down on to the area rug next to her and attacking her with kisses and tickles. Then I quickly crawl away and sit in a corner where she chases me, pretending to tickle my legs and give me open mouth kisses on my thighs.
I pretend to squeel and giggle and run away again. This time she sings out "i-e-i-e-o" instead of chasing me and as I crawl towards her I growl out " no it's E-I-E-I-O" and she shakes her head a playful no.
Wickedly sarcastic giggles errupt from her torso and her body grows taller as she throws her hands up in the air and yells "all done" and then she collapses on the floor again with her feet sticking out in each direction.
Defiant, confident, playful, sarcastic, energetic with a touch of witty. She is our child. His sarcasm, my joyful teasing and both of our twinkle. The most beautiful twinkle I've ever seen.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
I think it was a Wednesday.
Most days, I find myself still in my pajamas (a frumpy old lady nightgown) when Jon gets home from working the opening shift at work, with my greasy hair up in a pony tail and no make up on. I am plopped down on a chair watching the light of my life play comfortably in her PJs alternating my role between playmate and Alice from the Brady Bunch making snacks and bottles at just the perfect moment.
My husband says I still clean up nice, which- by the way, is one of the nicest things he could have said to me as I sat with what was left of my physical self esteem in a wasted heap of pity beneath me.
Then it changed.
I think it was a Wednesday again.
I got angry about something and I did a little exercise. That little voice in the back of your head that tells you when your shoes look sexy kicked itself in high gear and started whispering to me. You can do this again.
Two days later I'm still exercising and I've even left the house all cleaned up and dressed up nice. That is, dressed up a little... my nice tshirt and my new jeans. But I had make-up, straightened hair, trendy shoes and earrings and dang it I liked it.
Perhaps that little voice in my head that sends my confidence soaring needs to just get out more...
So I will...
Maybe on Wednesday.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Her fingers were nimble at lunch and agile, taking what she wanted and putting it directly into her gnashing teeth with out so much as an injury at her lunch time. Now she's not afforded that option. I've made home made pita chips with cayenne pepper on them and dished myself out some doctored up store bought hummus and she's all over my lap.
I jokingly call her Helen Keller a lot because she reminds me of that old black and white movie where the little girl playing Helen Keller banged around the kitchen table trying to grab handfuls of food off of everyone's plate and get them into her own mouth.
But, I digress, so now I'm sitting in the livingroom, batting away sticky fingers and shooving small bites of hummus covered pita into her mouth as she laughs and taunts me ducking below my line of sight and popping back up with an "a boo" and another rabid hand seeking another yummy bite.
My lips are warm from the Cayenne and my tongue is pleasantly cool from the hummus and I look down at my long and lean child eatting foods I know some of her friends and cousins have never even heard of and I am slightly proud of myself. She is not detoured by the spice of it, or the warmth of the pita directly from the oven, she is not shy of the creamy hummus or the bright green chives.
She is honestly and openly willing to try something new and different. She is daring and bold. She is confident and kind. She is loud in her comfort zone and peaceful but shy when new people are around.
She knows she is loved. It is evident in the amount of trust she has in her own abilities and in our ability to protect her. She is not scared to fall because she knows that even if we do not catch her we will help to take it better. She is not scared to taste because she knows that we offer things that are safe to try and that will be interesting and new. She is not afriad to be herself because she knows that we will love her... she just knows.
And then as I poke another pita chip into her mouth and watch her eyes twinkle as she does a yummy food dance at my feet and flirts with Daddy on the couch and think... dang I did a good job.
Right as I think that she leans over and bites my thigh with her hummus covered mouth.
At least she's in alliance with God on that whole keeping me humble thing.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
There won't be one.
This has always been a place where I have talked about anything I wanted to. That's part of what made it beautiful and pure like those strange people who make art out of other people's trash. But the truth is, I can't make this pure.
I am muddled. I can't even talk to her about it. For many reasons, I doubt my own ability to stay calm and focused. I doubt my own ability to believe what I am told based on what I was told 2 years later last time.
Basically, I have doubt. Most of it lies in me. I doubt that I am Christian enough to not break things further by trying to fix them. My husband who is much calmer and much more rational took a second pass at trying to know what was broken... and came back more broken from the journey.
Not everything in life needs to be fixed. Somethings are nice when they are broken. Perhaps someday God will make this into one of those things.
So I leave it with grace and love and a shut mouth (which is rare for me) until God makes it clear that this is something I can't avoid any longer.
And he will...
Because he's God and he likes to shake things up...
So I wait.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
You guess I'll carry on with the story...
So fearing STS I moved to doing reverse sit ups using the exercise ball. We did 100 in increments of 10. Gosh my tummy hurts.
Thanks God... for the little things... like Christian Confection Cookbooks with Kitty Poo shaped chocolate treats laying in a bed of rice litter. I always knew you had my sense of humor.
Up until now I've had a stash in the closet (things I paced out from Christmas that she hasn't been old enough for) and that's all empty. I find myself offering token items to entertain her while I do dishes or clean up.
Who wants to play with a stack of tupperware and plastic spoons? Your kid... well... not mine.
There are 24 days until Layla's birthday but Jon and I have already talked about getting her present from us and giving it to her this weekend to entertain her for awhile. It's not like she'll know she got it early.
On an upside all the decorations for her party are purchased and the basic party supplies. Now I just need food (which I'll be making the week of) and a cake (which I'm SOOO going to have to buy being as I don't have cake skills like Sarah).
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
Today I had had enough. Being the green person I am around my daughter I didn't want to pull out a can of liquid death and go on a fly holocaust so instead I got out the dollar bin fly swatter no one ever uses and started a stealth like overview of the entire house while Layla had her morning snack.
Twenty minutes and eleven flies later I feel much better. I've only seen one since them. But, don't you worry... that one's days are marked as well.