Saturday, May 31, 2008

At the end of a long day

This morning I woke up and fed the baby, after I was done I called my mother to wake her up (per her request) so that she could come and hang out with the baby and I for the day. It was 7:15 when I called her. By 8:15 I had showered, washing both me and the baby and put on makeup. Then one of my good friends called and I settled in to chat while I waited for my mother. At 9:45 she was here and we packed up the baby and did what all sensible women do on Saturday AM, we went yardsale shopping. $12 later, the trunk was full and the tired baby who hadn't taken a nap yet was hungry so we went to perko's and had a little lunch then headed to my grandfathers so he could see his great grand baby and my mom could pick some cherries off his trees.

The thing about my grandfather is that after he divorced my grandmother (or rather she left him) and she died, he remarried the strangest woman I've ever met. She's pretty much erased everything I knew and loved about being a grand-daughter including all picture evidence that my mother and I were ever there. Although my cousin JB still has a few lingering pictures and there are over 100 pictures of her family and friends all over the house. In fact for Christmas I gave them a framed and matted picture with my little family in one block, the baby alone in a block, and my grandfather and the baby in the third block. She removed the family pic and replaced it with one of my cousin JB holding my daughter. The b*tch. I don't know why, I barely see the woman.

So after an akward hour of them watching the baby play we headed off to meet my husband at my Cousin Gails house where I was picking up a BBQ and bed we got at her moving sale. We arrived before my hubby and his brother with the van so we sat down and visited and let the still not napping baby play on the floor. Then the boys came and loaded everything up and we headed to my Great Aunt Lois' apartment because she's never seen the baby.

Up until today I didn't know where the Great Aunt lived really. So I had mom show me and we had a couple hour long visit there while the still never napped baby played on the floor happy as can be. On the drive home (over 30 minutes) the baby fell asleep and immediately woke up when we got home and proceeded to refuse to nap and alternate between giddy joy and meltdown tears all the way through dinner.

The hubby moved all the furniture in and after mom left I fired up the new BBQ and gave it a test run with some BBQ chicken legs and potatoes (BBQ potato recipe now available on Fat Girl Eats). Jon and I enjoyed are first BBQ meal and now he's laying in a near fade to black behind me because he's been up at 3 am the last 4 days for work and I can hear the baby in the next room talking to her bedtime fish on the crib.

I think I'll go fire up the cell phone and call back that friend from this morning, perhaps with a rum and pepsi, I'm way over my old people limit for today and I think I earned it.

Oh and tomorrow? The Apricot Festival all day... boy I hope that baby goes to sleep soon.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Right Now

Right now I have nothing in particular to write about. So I go to a writing prompt page I know of and I click it open...and the prompt... write about what's going on around you right now. Thanks for nothing...sigh.

Right now, there is a baby sleeping in the next room. A baby who was cutting a tooth today and who wanted to be held most of the morning. Because of that baby, I was still in my nightgown when my husband got home from work. I was taking a nap with her, her first nap of the day. Later I showered and put the same night gown back on. It's been that kind of day around here.

Right now, there is a husband watching the movie Knocked Up in the living room. I can't make myself watch the movie because for some reason the bar scene really makes me aggitated so I came into the computer to blog. Then I stared at the screen, listened to the fan in the other room and my husband occassionally laughing at the movie and I just wondered off.

Right now, the room I am in is too bright for a day dream. It's a distractingly harsh light from the overhead bulb but I know that if I switch to the free standing lamp the lack of good light will make me sleepy. I've been living fueled by Pepsi and stress and the darkness might swallow me into a land of restless dreams I'm not yet ready to take part in.

Right now, my cell phone is vibrating with another text from the girl I'll be going to a festival with on Sunday. We're both looking for work and as frustrating as it is to be out of a job we are taking comfort in knowing we are not alone by bantering back and forth about Unemployment paperwork, phone interviews and openings we've found while searching.

Right now, I haven't had dinner, it's 9:15 and I'm sure that I won't have dinner. I had lunch close to 4 pm when I had the hubby run to McDonald's because I hadn't eaten yet. It threw the whole day off, but I am thinking longingly about another Pepsi, I've had 4 today so I'm trying to hold myself off.

Right now is a whole lot of nothing... loads of nothing swirling around like washing machine loads of dirty laundry in my head. It's like a constant white noise that keeps me on edge. What next? I don't know. I'm not even entirely sure I know what's right now.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I remember...

It was cold that day. The kind of cold that rarely happens in the Central Valley of California and despite the cold air which usually meant fog where I grew up, this particular day was sunny and bright. It was crisp air, like what my 13 year old mind always imagined it would be like to live where it snowed.

Normally in the morning on the way to the bus, I'd cut through the elementary school yard, across the community center lawn between the lodge and the community pool, cut down the alley, hand a left and walk to a friends house so she could accompany me to the bus stop. It was a Family Circus sort of path and this morning the cool air lead me to walk the straight path along the side of the road I lived on, down the street that ran through the middle of our tiny town, in the front gate of my friends house not the back and to her door.

Her mom greeted me when I walked in and asked if I was warm enough as I joined the boys on the couch watching morning cartoons and MTV, flipping back and forth between being a teenager and a child with a remote control and a bowl full of cereal. When my friend emerged from her room she looked both tired and frustrated, the sign of a bad hair day which can always kill your mood on a Friday morning. I cracked a joke and we pulled our layers on to walk the two blocks to the bank building which was also the bus stop.

As we passed the abandoned store we always walked faster. Someone had been murdered there the year before and we both got the creeps from being to close to the building. As we walked up to the bus stop everyone said hi, compared themselves to what everyone else was wearing to make sure they were presentable and started handing around homework to "check" which was slang for let the other kids copy.

We settled into a seat inside the actual bus stop. Our own little planet and talked about our nights and mornings while we were apart. We thought we were outcasts and we just tried to stay out of the way.

10 years later someone else told me the story about this same morning over a beer at a local bar. I remembered the day. I remembered what I was wearing, what she was wearing, I even remember bits of what we talked about. What I didn't remember was the part he described as "you two were always so much cooler than the rest of us, we all just wanted to be allowed to sit and talk with you".

"Are you serious?" I said with a laugh. We weren't cool and we would have let anyone join us. If only we'd known.

But now when I think about it I wonder... were we better off? We kept each other sane, safe and housed secrets, sins and simple pleasure for each other. Two was the perfect number. We kept each other humble and we were always trying to keep each other just a little out of trouble.

That's probably what made us cool. We had a secret keeper. I remember... I just didn't know.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


Excited. Perhaps because I know that in 3 or 4 days my replacement camera will finally be here.

Excited. Perhaps because my darling daughter has finally started to crawl.

Excited. Perhaps because I have somewhere to go this weekend.

Excited. Perhaps because he spent the day playing card games with me.

Excited. Perhaps because for a change the month doesn't look over booked and underpaid.

Excited. Probably a good thing.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

To Layla @ 8 Months Old

My Daring Darling Daughter,

In just one short month you have made the tiny step and giant leap from my baby to your own little personality. Don't get me wrong, you will ALWAYS be my baby but, suddenly you have become someone all your own. I always had little peeks and glimpses of the person you were becoming but within the last month those little windows into your soul have outshined the most delicate and ornate stained glass I have ever seen.

You are constantly curious. Just today you spent 30 minutes of a car ride meant to put you to sleep staring out the window from your new "big girl car seat" and waving at any person you saw. Of course, you have not figured out that you have to lift your hand up when you wave so you waved at the toys on your lap while I watched your eyes search the people on the sidewalk for signs they would be waving back. Lucky for you, you are so adorable, that two little old ladies waved at you all on their own and you giggled at the thought of it.

You LOVE people. You are a bigger people watcher than myself and your daddy put together. You will sit in a stroller for untold amounts of time watching people walk around you and attempting to talk to them. That's another thing you love to do. You talk CONSTANTLY, it's a wonder I get a word in edgewise and you've already got a decent little vocabulary that you use pretty accurately to describe the things you want. Unless you are overwhelmed in a large group of people you are usually a big flirt (see picture above). You definately know how to work the crowd. You talk and make faces and smile with you toothy little grin and I know in my heart that while they are won over by your outer charm your inner beauty far surpasses what little piece of you that you have chosen to give them.

You sit up so straight and sturdy that other people admire how strong you are and while you haven't mastered crawling you have developed your own system of rolling, scooting and stretching to get from one end a room to the other should I dare to leave you to go pee. This tactic is used for 3 things, getting tapes/dvds/cds you aren't supposed to have, touching the buttons on the radio you aren't supposed to have and stealing the remote/cell phone/calculator you aren't supposed to have. Okay, maybe it's for one thing...something you aren't supposed to have. At least we know that for the most part you have gotten smart enough to try when no one is looking. Now if only mommy could decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

You know that when we say "sit up like a big girl" that you are expected to sit up and behave. You of course have started to associate this phrase with sitting up and getting cheerios and graham crackers (your new favorite food). So you are more than willing to entertain us. You will eat almost anything. The other day at the Outback you ate creamy horseradish (internet people do not comment about this or I will stab you in the eye with a fork), mommy let's you eat whatever we eat because she thinks it will teach you to try diverse foods and prepare your tongue for the things we really eat. So you will not be a picky kid. Just as long as I don't try to get you to eat green beans. For those your hate is unwaivering.

One thing you are not is a performing monkey. I can ask you to say something or do something a thousand times, and you WILL NOT be doing it. Until of course I stop asking and then you will do it for 3 hours straight. You especially like using the following phrases... "hi dadi" which wakes up Daddy in the morning (or perhaps it's your finger in his nose...but either way he gets up), "i didait" which is small child for look I did something (usually putting your finger in a small hole or touching some sort of button), "ahha gonna getchu" (look out I'm about to poke you with my finger). Notice anything?

Fingers... pointing is one of your other new favorite things. EVERYTHING must be touched. And, like your father as a child you will touch it 30 times while someone says "no" and corrects your behavior until you finally whine while you touch it. Because you just can't stop. It's not in your nature. I do believe everything in the livingroom and office that can be poked from your vantage point on the floor has officially been pointed at and then poked until it cried for mercy.

I like that about you. Your curiousity. It is teaching me to appreciate the small things and to notice when there is lint on the carpet before you point out ever little piece to me. You have shown me the humor in pushing down on a cheerio so hard it pops into the air like a paper football. You have shown me the joy of squishing your hands into an unsuspecting banana that never knew what hit it. You have shown me that I still have a dashing reflex for catching you as you try for the 300th time to leap off the couch/bed/seat/pillow (you get the point). Fearless I tell you.

You are always moving, you take great joy from things other children would find absolutely terrifying. You like to bounce, wiggle, dance, jiggle, jump, be thrown, flip and do high flying tricks like no child before you. At least once a day I find myself on the office floor with a giggling ball of baby on my knees which is being bounced about like an 8 year old on an indiana jones ride and then tossed into the air like a pizza pie, flipped upside down like a gymnastics trainee and then plopped onto the floor in a ball of laughing hysteria until you stop and stare at me with that "well what are you waiting for look" and just to be sure I just sit you upright until you begin to once again bounce yourself on my knees... that's all systems go... and we're ready for lift off...wheee.....

You are enthralling, enchanting and even entertaining... sometimes all three at once. Which is a lot considering you've only been around for 8 months and you only weigh 17 pounds. I can't imagine how wrapped I'll be when your 8, or 18, or 28 for that matter.

But I know one thing, no matter how enthralling, enchanting and otherwise entertaining you may or may not choose to be, I will always love you. I will love you more than these words can describe.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm not going to do a trick

I used to be a morning person. I woke up happy, I took a shower, I started off the day alert and at one with a hot cup of tea and the hard pressed decision between what earrings to wear to work.
Now I wake up and it takes 3 to 4 hours before I get a shower on a great day. I never wear earrings because I'm sure someone would try to pull them off. I have a pepsi for breakfast because it's faster than tea.
And the whole time I drink it... she looks at me like this...
Keep staring kid. I'm not going to do a trick.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Is this it?

This week the fear of the unknown started creeping into my quiet thoughts. What if I don't get a job? Do we need to find some place else to live? Holy Shit I don't have a plan!!

This has always been the hardest thing for me to grasp. That concept of trust and safety. I don't know why, I had a good childhood. I just don't necessarily always believe that every thing really will be ok.

Maybe that's a product of a long verbally abusive relationship in my past. Perhaps it's the product of losing a child in the womb. Or maybe it's a product of my own imagination. I have to sit there and will myself to remember.

I say self...

Right now you feel like Layla when something happens that she doesn't understand and she screams and cries. Right now God feels like you do when you pick her up and wipe off those huge tears and whisper to her that it will be ok. God is not frustrated that you are upset because you don't understand. God is not angry because you aren't letting go as easily as some other people do. God knows you, he accepts you and he really does have it under control. Just like you do when you let the baby carefully roll to the floor while you hold her feet so she can know that the couch really does indeed end and falling off that end has a consequence.

And then I wonder...

Is this why I don't have a job yet? Is God using this vast amount of time he has given me with my daughter to teach me to accept my lack of control, his love and that in the end I am nothing but a reflection of broken intentions. Is he using her to teach me what his love looks like?

And then I think...

Damn it Allie you're over thinking this. Let it go.

And then I say something to my husband like "maybe we should think about getting a smaller apartment" and he says "we'll see".

And I think...

Does he know something I don't know? I mean is that the we'll see of "I totally trust God's got my back" or the we'll see of "No honey you're butt doesn't look big in those pants" safety answer.

And then I panic...

What if I can't provide!! And, the next thing I know I'm writing a blog at 10 pm while my family sleeps peacefully in the other room. While I think and re-think all the worse cases that could possibly happen and wonder if damage control should be started now... well knowing I can't damage control it. And wishing my husband would wake up to calm me... knowing he wouldn't calm me because he doesn't have the answers I want.

And then I remember...

It's not about what I want.

And then I pray...

Fire !!

In case anyone was wondering... this is about 6 blocks from our house...


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Case of the Eewww

My friend Aubry's son calls the flu the eww because ... well because he's 3 and it's cute I guess... or perhaps because he can't say the FL sound. Either way I think he's pronouncing of the whole thing better sums up how you feel.

Yesterday my daughter woke up angry at 5:30 am. That in itself is rare because she's such a morning baby and could give Ol' Faithful a run for it's money on being on time. I slugged myself out of bed and started the normal day routine once it was obvious she had no intention of going back to sleep.


That's the number of minutes the normal routine lasted before the barfing, pooping and screaming took over. She never spiked a fever and inbetween the barfing and pooping while crying she ate normally, drank lots of fluids and finally around noon took a really long nap.

By the time the hubby got home from work at noon I was done. But I had an interview yesterday so instead I took a one hour nap, forced myself into the shower, put on a dress and took off to Salida (30 minutes from here). I stopped just off the freeway to puke and thought "oh no I'm next."

I threw up twice during the wait before and during the dorky 6 pm group interview I was doing. By the time I left I had a full fledged migrane. I scratched a trip to walmart, barely made it into the driveway without crashing and walked into the air conditioned house which sent a spike of pain through my whole body.

I asked the hubby how she was doing as I slipped off my shoes (she was fine and already in bed). I announced I was going to go crawl into the fetal position and die. It was 8 pm. The next thing I remember was this morning when I woke up to someone small poking me in the eyeball. I feel much better today and the baby is fine. It hit hard and fast. I think out of fear of the eww my husband slept on the couch (as evident by the pillow and quilt still there this morning) but I really wouldn't know. I don't even remember putting the baby in bed with me last night and the hubby leaves for work before the baby ever gets up.

If anyone needs me I'll be Lysoling the planet.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It was a hot one

Yesterday was a pretty long day. My friend E & I took the kids to the Oakdale Chocolate Festival and ended up outside on one of the hottest days of the year. Man I got a great tan out of that. We walked around shopping, chatting and keeping the kids happy (both kids did very well) and it was a darn good day.

Then I came home and the baby napped without issues. Mainly because I laid down next to her and also fell asleep and got myself a 2 hour nap. By the time we got up it was almost time for Daddy to be home and we played and snacked a little then I made some really good easy calzones and we ate dinner.

After the baby went to bed I sent out the "munchkin?" text and we gathered up our friend Batman for a lovingly sarcastic and brutal Munchkin card game tournament where we played every box we owned but 2. The last game was the best and we successfully killed, tortured and taunted each other for awhile before someone squeeked out with a win because we were seriously out of cards.

After Batman left we sailed undaunted through clean up. We've been married long enough that there was no talking and no running into each other... we each just did our thing until it was done. Then I went to bed.

It was a good day after it really got going. I darn good day.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I can't believe I did that...

So Three Kid Circus has a blog contest going right now where you tell your most embarrassing fitness purchase story and you get a chance to win a Wii with Wii Fit. I very seriously doubt I'll win because I'm not very lucky but I thought it would be a good chance to tell a good story. I'm going to enter because everyone who's anyone wants a Wii. If you'd like to try to win one, you have until midnight tonight, just click on Three Kid Circus.


I should have seen it coming. I was out of a serious relation ship, finally living out on my own, I had a fun boyfriend and I felt un-pretty. You know un-pretty, when you feel so not pretty that the people standing next to you actually look more pretty just be association.

I had had a makeover month. A girl at work had talked me into cutting off my waist length straight brown hair to just around my shoulders and streaked it to look trendy and cute. I had fallen victim to the manicure and pedicure "must have" lecture by a girl friend and I was wearing a nice selection of the most expensive make up I'd ever owned. Somewhere around the trip to get "new me" clothing I got hit by the comment of a lifetime.

"Your awfully pretty for a fat girl"

Are you kidding me? At the time I was having an under the cover (pun intended) romance with a co-worker. This particular day I had spent the night at his place and I was running home to shower and change when I got hit by the jerk comment of the year by a friend. I thought about it all the way through my shower and I was so upset I called in sick to work.

I did what every fat girl does when she is not sick and stays home from work. I made brownies and settled in to watch bad cable in my favorite flannel pjs. By mid-afternoon there was nothing on so I settled on Oprah. That day she was talking about weight loss and this 95 lb blonde bombshell was talking about how her and her husband had lost a ton of weight by having sex.

Eureka! My answer from the Gods.

I hate to work out. It's hot. It's sweaty. It looks akward. But well... everyone likes sex right?

So I spent my twenty something bucks and got 'The Ultimate Sex Diet' book. It was long before I was too Christian to think about having large amounts of sex for personal gain. Heck I even paid for rush shipping.

Then I got my little book in the mail.

No one wants to tell the person they are with, "I'm feeling fat, let's have sex" so instead I said nothing. I spent a whole month sweating it out. But the thing is... it ruined sex. He's like "oh yea baby" and you're like "damn that's only worth half a snickers bar".

So I gave the book to a neighbor. She broke a table. You go girl.

For the record... neither of the girls lost any weight, but both men did. And it was still hot, it was still sweaty, and it was twice as akward as going to the gym.

100 Degrees till Washington

It's going to be over 100 degrees here this weekend. So of course, I have plans this weekend. I'll be at the Oakdale Chocolate Festival with a small stop by the Hughson Fruit & Nut Festival. Lucky me.

I'll be posting reviews of both on Fat Girl Eats once I get back. But this weekend holds something far more important than Chocolate and Nuts. (I bet you didn't know there were things more important than chocolate and nuts).

This weekend the Goofy part of our family (and I mean that in the big floppy earred Disney character sort of way) is moving far far away to Washington. Ok so maybe that isn't 2 fars away... maybe only 1.

As we speak, they've got family helping them pack up in this horrible heat and they are getting ready for one heck of an adventure. Tomorrow there will be a "bye bye bar b que" and after that they'll pack their baby girl in a car seat and take off on a one way road trip. They'll be caravaning with my mother in law and a few others who will help them unpack and then head back home.

It's such a great adventure to set off on your own with a baby and husband to a place you've never been. I'm proud of them for taking a leap of faith and I'll miss them dearly.

It's a good thing she's starting her own blog which I of course will read religiously and hardly ever comment on... just like all the other blogs I read. They were always up for a good time- hanging out, going places and doing things... so I bet it will be fun to read. It' will be fun to watch my little neice get bigger and to see them on the holidays. We'll have to go visit.

But I'll miss them... I really will.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Tour of Homes Part II- Where the food lives

I'm sure you'll all remember that earlier this year I took part in a tour of homes and showed you the basics of my house. Well as a second part of that group of prompts I am now going to show you the inside of my fridge, freezer and pantry... ready? Ok... away we go...

In the interest of journalistic honesty (and pure laziness) I did not clean up the cabinets before showing them to all of America (and anywhere else that wanted to log on) via the internet.

This is Layla's shelf, it's a nice assortment of baby food, cereal boxes, Gerber approved snacks, graduates entrees (which we just started) and tiny juices I use when we take the diaper bag somewhere.
Her formula lives on the counter right now because it doesn't fit anywhere else. Pay no attention to my formula...err I mean the large bottle of rum. The other night mommy needed a drink and she can't reach the shelf. This is also where the chips appearently live.
This is the booze shelf on the top of the pantry. Jon is in charge of keeping things up there because I can't reach it without a chair.
Below that is the boxes of food shelf, this is also where weird foods we'll never eat end up (like the wrong brand of formula, jello someone gave us, and the box of pasta salad).
Below that is the cans and bottles shelf which also houses the pastas and the marshmellow type items that come in bags. There is a loaf of wheat bread in here right now because I accidently bought a loaf on the same day Jon did.
Above the fridge I have canisters of baking goods like flour and sugars.
The top of the microwave is where the rest of the bread lives. We are carb whores, notice the 3 kinds of bread, buns and english muffins...and we've already eaten some of the other options.
Above the stove there is a cabinet of tall things. Cereal boxes, oil jugs, coffee bags etc.
Next to the stove there are spices I use often, the good olive oil and a bowl of onions and garlic.

There is also a spice overflow cabinet.
The freezer is filled with the normal things... meat, frozen veggies, margerine for my picky brother in law, frozen burritos for my not picky husband and some teething toys and ice packs because I'm someone's mommy.
Oh and don't forget the overripe bananas for banana nut bread later and the honking bag of ice in case I need some formula.
The fridge houses a lot of drinks, near the top we have a wide water, juice, kool aid, cranberry juice, apple juice, formula and milk. Also note the large number of condiments... I like to cook so we aquire a lot of topping type things.
And suprisingly the bottom of the fridge is more of the same, condiments and drinks, soda & beer left over from the last party. (the beer not the soda... we go through soda like oxygen over here)
And the very bottom, a lunch meat and cheese drawer, a veggie drawer and you guessed it... more drinks... some ale and some sparkling grape juice.
I left out the pictures of my bag of potatoes on the floor... use your imagination...

How about you? What's where your food lives?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Curse of the Smiley

It all started so innocently. I just needed shampoo. And while I was at it I had a return to do. I placed my return in the bag and loaded up the baby. Once at the land of smiley we stood in line for 13 minutes to find out that without a recipe our return was worth pennies on the dollar so I sent a quick email from my cell phone to my mother asking her to bring the recipe with her on her visit this weekend and we left.

In the parking lot I remember that I still needed shampoo. Well I had another return for the big bullet sign so we went there. While at this store we do our return without issue and walk back to the baby section to turn a too small dress into a just right dress. Twenty minutes later I've got a cart full of diapers and swipers because they are on sales, a couple packs of baby food and a few bottles of formula. Dang. Time to go. We check out. $89.00. Yuck!

Loading the baby back into the car I remember I still don't have shampoo. Well, might as well go back to the blue smiley. At least that way I won't look like an idiot going back into the same store to buy one thing.

At the land of smiley we take a quick walk to the baby clothing section because I see a cute dress. It's less than $7 so we toss it in the cart, we grab some shampoo, oh look food items we use on sale...damn it... $36 dollars later (at least $16 was a return)... we're finally on our way home.

I spent over $100 and I didn't get anything we really didn't need other than that dress. I know it's not a big deal but when you're not working every little penny makes you worry. Plus I know I'll spend more money when I go back with that second bag of returns.

What is it about that little yellow smiley face that always tricks me into buying things I don't need just because they are on sale?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Saving Graces

When the hubby woke up we talked about it a little bit and then I got the "why don't you take a nap". Usually I can't nap. I'm just one of those people. But when Layla needed her nap a few minutes later I tried it. I vaguely remember waking for a second when she woke up and seeing Jon whishing her away. Then I woke up 4 hours later because I suddenly noticed the house was silent. I found a note which read "layla and I decided to give you time to yourself, enjoy it". The house was picked up and my phone was on silent. So I'm writing a blog to counter the one from earlier because i do love him now that I'm not exhausted... and then... I might just go back to bed.

Sorry honey... I was just tired. Love- Me

Are you kidding me?

I've spent weeks talking about how tired I am all the time but I knew it wasn't going to matter much because the hubby has been working a lot and he's tired too. Yesterday when he came home he took an almost 4 and a half hour nap, then he went to bed on time. At 2 am when my daughter woke up crying I dealt with it, it doesn't happen often but at 6:30 when she woke up to a thousand choruses of "hi daddy" and daddy was awake I said... "I guess I don't get to sleep in?" because we had talked about it again last night and there was no sign of him getting up. I was really hoping I could. He asked what time it was and I told him and then he said the one thing you can't say to your overtired wife who hasn't slept in in 7 months..."really because it felt so much later"... and just laid there. Five minutes later I felt bad for the unhappy baby rolling around on the bed and I got up. I cried in the bathroom, I cried while I made baby cereal, I cried while I fed her and then I stopped crying and I wrote this blog. It's not that I don't think he helps because he does... but really... what more is a girl supposed to do for a few hours of good sleep????? As I write this he lays sleeping in the next room. Must be nice.

Monday, May 12, 2008

7 Random Facts MIME

I got tagged for another MIME in email and as usual I'm posting it here for people to do if they would like as a cheap thrill writing prompt. Here are the 7 random things about me... as the instructions I was given in email these 7 wonderful things are all things still "CURRENT" and not about my past. At least not directly about my past. (evil grin)

1. I have been reading the Chowhound site for ages and looking at all the lovely posts and thinking to myself "Why doesn't any ever write about the food here in the Central Valley?" I mean afterall that is where most of the produce comes from. So today I got up the nerve to make my own new login. You see I had a log in a few years back... you know back in my bitter past... and it was time to start anew. While I was at it I created a food blog because I had one of those long ago when I was on Chowhounds and it seemed only right to jump in with both feet if I was really going to jump back in.

2. I'm currently looking for a job in that swiss cheese classifieds sort of way. I have never in my life seen so many crappy jobs posted while all the upper Administrative Management positions are missing. I mean really... a super walmart and a super target opening within 15 minutes of home in each direction. Come on people?

3. In the morning I sometimes pretend to be asleep so I can watch what my daughter does when she's left to her own devices and thinks that no one is watching her. As it appears, my daughter is very much like me and after a few minutes of trying to get her hands on the things she knows she's not supposed to she gets bored with the freedom of being alone and starts to crave company. Usually this means poking either myself or her father until one of us wakes up to play with her. She greets us with a big "hi" and lately with a wave that she taught herself to do. It's the best part of waking up... I don't care what Folgers says.

4. Despite thinking I should lose weight on Saturday morning I sent my husband for some doughnuts to put an end to a craving I had been having since watching Donut Paradise on the Travel Channel the night before. Then I ate 4 in one day.

5. My first mother's day wasn't anything like I imagined my first mother's day to be. So when it was over and I was in bed I laid there for awhile thinking of how I hoped it would be next year before common sense caught up with me and I decided being a Mom was more important than Mother's Day and that thinking about Mother's Day in advance just makes you end up in bed at the end of another Mother's Day pondering the same question.

6. This weekend I am going to the first of many food festivals this food festival season. This weekend is both the Hughson Fruit & Nut Festival and the Oakdale Chocolate Festival (which I find funny being as the Hershey's Chocolate Factory in Oakdale closed down) but I forgive them because they are having a $5.00 chocolate event that I can go to with family and friends. I am looking forward to teaching my daughter about cheap, fun, community based events like my parents taught me.

7. I have become addicted to the travel channel, showing particularly high interest to shows about food. (suprise suprise) Heck I'll even watch Anthony Bourdain or whatever the heck his name is.

Tag you're all it.

Fat Girl Eats

I read several recipe blogs and I read cook books like novels and for the last couple years I've been experimenting with tastes of my own. For that reason I've started another little blog called Fat Girl Eats where you can get a look at the sort of things we're trying out at our house.
It'll keep all the "foodie" talk off this blog and put it someplace where only the people interested in it can go to look for it. My first food post will go up this afternoon/evening depending on whether or not my child ever really takes a nap.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Now it's Mother's Day

So the following three posts are not in any particular order but please read them all... they are dedicated to some of my favorite moms. The ones that are family, the ones that are friends and the ones that I've never met but often think about.

Happy Mother's Day!

Now we go by Mommy

Some of us didn't see it coming, some of us planned for it our whole lives, some of us had to try like we were trying to make an olympic team, some of us just woke up to the reality of it but all of us became someone's mommy.
In a moments time we went from a life all about us to a life that meant nothing without them. We've healed broken hearts with aligator tears, cleaned up things we'd rather not even think about touching and shared our last little ounce of energy just to watch them smile.
We've reaped the best rewards... the snuggled in moments when the tension slips away and with a heavy sigh they fall sleeping at last, the bright eyed squeeling moments of amazement and wonder at things we'd forgotten how to enjoy and the every day moments that got lost between the 8 am bottle-10 am nap and lunch plans we almost didn't make.
So Happy Mother's Day to all of us... the ones who just getting started, the ones who've held a title forever and the ones still trying to figure it out.

Now we call her Grammi

When I was little my Grandma Gerty told me to marry a Mama's boy. She explained that a boy who could love his mother well despite all the mistakes a mom could make in the time it takes to raise a boy was the kind of man who would love you through bad pot roast, dried up bank accounts and stale moments in your marriage.
When I met Jon it didn't take long for me to decide I wanted to marry him, on his end it took a little longer. By the time we decided we were getting married I'd only met Jon's mother once and I was terrified she was going to hate me or that I'd do something awful on accident and she'd never forgive me.
In the (almost) 2 years I have discovered what made my husband have a heart so forgiving, a soul so accepting and a tongue so competitive. He learned it from a woman who could mend broken hearts with a bed at home from college, who could pray her way through family crisis 3 families wide and who always had time to chat.
Turns out I didn't have anything to be scared of. It didn't take long to call her Mom, it took even less time to call her Grammi. Ironically enough she didn't hate me...although I don't talk to her as much as I did in the beginning (I'm a mommy now too) I still love her to death.

So Happy Mother's Day Chris, without you I wouldn't be having my first Mother's Day. You did a dang good job on that boy of yours. Dang good.

Now we call her Nana

When I was 5 she smelled like a mix of sweet tea and sunflower seeds in the summer. Her hair was always shiny and it flowed in the wind. She knew the rules to all my favorite games, she never lost at a game of cards, she knew all the words and how to make all the voices in my favorite stories and she always made the best chocolate chip cookies.

When I was 10 she knew the words to all the "cool" songs on the radio. She let me walk by myself to the school yard to play with my friends, she made great breakfasts on the weekends and she wore bangled earrings like Stevie Nicks with her birkenstocks and flowy skirts. She never missed a practice or a recital, she always had the cure in her purse and she was the envy of most of my friends.

When I was 15 she taught me to drive and kept my secret when I backed into a tree while learning in someone else's orchard. She let me hang out with my friends unsupervised at the fair grounds, handed out money for me to get my own lunch items, helped find the perfect dress for a Freshman lucky enough to go to the senior prom, and she never let me forget that I was still her little girl.

When I was 20 she taught me to be an adult by introducing me to traveling with a bad sense of direction, trying new foods and falling in love. She let me go when I wanted to run away and she let me come home when my heart was broken. She still made sure Santa stuffed my stocking, she knew where to get the chocolate mice before there was a Harry Potter and she never missed a chance to hang out on the weekends.

When I was 25 she reminded me how to be young again. She incouraged me to date, laugh, dance and love with reckless abandon and reminded me to be safe, stubborn, independent and responsible before she got off the phone. She told me not to get "locked up or knocked up", she shared margaritas on Saturday afternoons at lunch and she reminded me that different really is better than boring.

I'm not yet 30. And when I look back at all the things she did, all the things she was, all the things she still is. I wonder? Can I even sum it all up? Probably not. But then I remember that they have a word for this person beyond description, this overwhelmingly different and wonderfully always the same sort of love. They call it MOM, and I am honored to have one.
Happy Mother's Day to the woman who has changed her title to Nana, who's name is Mommy in the cell phone and Lorrie at work but around here will always just be Mom.

Friday, May 09, 2008

NCLUSD Public Pool

When I was 12 I would jump into the pool and let my body weight pull me to the bottom, I'd slowly raise my hands above my head as I sunk feet first into the chlorinated water until it fully engulfed me. My toes would finally hit the bottom and with the slightest push from my bent legs I would shoot up and out of the water as I brought my hands back down to my sides. It was like being launched from a rocket. It was powerful, quiet and calm. In the dead of a valley summer 110 degree day it was cool and comforting. I did it at least 20 times in a row, sometimes several times a day- all summer long.

I wasn't the high dive jumper or the water slide rider. I was the swimmer. I was back and forth from one side to the other, breast stroke, free stroke and when I got tired the back stroke. Thousands of laps every summer until the pale white skin I had in May turned to a dark rum color at the end of August. I was devastated when it closed. I was impatient during the rests and if I stopped with you, it was only to get my strength back to start swimming again.

There were people there, there were things. People I loved... cool friends with side ponytails and hot pink toe nail polish wearing last years bathing suit and helping tote an overflowing bag of things we might need but hardly ever did actually need. Things to be remembered, floating in the big rubber inter tubes, chasing down the ice cream truck for a choco-taco, and then drinking hot flat soda that we prepped 3 hours before.

We were the in crowd there, not because we wanted to be but instead because we were a fixture. We were a part of it like pale blue painted floors and ricketing chain link fences. We were the summer kids. We had no where to be, nothing to do and no one to watch us. We were free.

Too young then to appreciate it. We always wanted another $2.00 for something, a darker tan and a better kick turn at the end of the next lap. And now 17 years later what all of us wouldn't give to be back in the same pool with the same people with that same damn ability to swim all day without burning or getting tired.

Summer is starting. It's not the power of freedom now. Instead it's the reality of higher air conditioning bills, higher SPF and warn out flip flops. But sometimes when we sneak away to a pool somewhere and ease ourselves into the cool water we let ourselves remember. We find ourselves in a little deeper part of the pool, and we sink to the bottom.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

A Day In the Life

So a few days ago a guy family member asked me "what do you do all day now that you're home, don't you get bored?" and after I stabbed his eyeball with a fork in my mind, I said calmly in the phone, "we manage".

And then when I got off the phone I thought to myself, "What the HELL do you DO all day?" because I realized I really didn't know. I mean I'm sort of in a blur sometimes.

So to answer the age old question... what did I do today... I'm going to be updating this blog periodically throughout the day.

6:30 am... the laylabug wakes up because daddy is in the shower and begins playing with my nightgown trim, poking my nose and eyeballs and rolling over repeatedly next to the edge of the bed until I feel I might actually have a heart attack if I don't get out of bed.

When daddy gets out of the shower, I go to the bathroom because if you pick the child up out of the bed before you go pee you will spend most of the morning wishing you could go pee. Then I change the first of many diapers for the day.

6:50 am... laylabug breakfast... mushy oatmeal mixed with peaches and formula. She eats for about 10 minutes, with occassional interupts as she contorts her body to try and see Neesie Nash on clean house. Then she says "uffs" repeatedly until I let her have 3 gerber banana puffs.

7:00 am... laylabug playing on the floor, again with the constant rolling & now getting stuck on things like furniture and toys, so I assist occassionally by pulling her out of the frustrating spots, I also get up 3 times to pull her away from the highly fascinating stereo buttons and then twice from the colorful and there for must be touched DVDs on the bottom shelf.

7:15 am... a the sound of instant screaming in the morning... the EVERY SINGLE morning at 7:15-7:30 stinky diaper, which I change and while I'm at it I dress the laylabug in very cute girly clothing. We were going to go to the flea market but I'm not feeling it now that it's actually the day of so instead I stick the baby who is now rubbing her eyes in the swing and I go get dressed.

7:30 am... ok appareantly swinging is worse than death and the constant baby yelling "hey" from the living room isn't as cute as you might think so I tote her into the bedroom and try to finish getting dressed. She is not enjoying waiting for me to get ready. I put my hair in a ponytail and don a baseball cap with no makeup to avoid a laylabug meltdown. I then take her to the office and she rolls around on the floor (which she loves) while I check my email. I also pack a diaper bag with one hand and prep 3 bottles.

8:00 am... I put the laylabug for the first time in her new upright car-seat and we head to the store.

8:10 am... arrive at store, I get the laylabug out of the car (thank you baby jesus it's so much easier without that bucket car seat). I put laylabug into a cart. And realize two very important things, 1. I do not have my list. 2. I do not know how many people are coming to mother's day brunch. I look down at all the things I got out of the car and into the know the baby, my bag, a bottle, a toy etc and decide I will wing it.

8:20 am... we are only ten minutes into our grocery shopping and 5 old people have stopped me to talk to my adorable laylabug. I remember it is seniors day at Savemart. Damn it. Now the 20 minute grocery trip takes almost an hour.

9:07 am... arrive home, and unload car while laylabug plays in carseat which she loves. In fact she talked the whole way home from the store and kept touching the window she can now see.

9:10 am... with grocery bags all over the counter, floor and table stop what you are doing to feed the laylabug the first bottle of the day. It takes awhile for mush breakfast to wear off but once it does she's very loud about wanting a bottle. After the bottle, do a diaper check and put the laylabug in a crib for a nap, checking the fishy toy to make sure it's on and giving her a bunny to play with in the crib.

9:19 am... finally finished putting groceries away- look at the grocery list and figure out that despite spending $80 you have forgotten 3 vital things, make a seperate list for the hubby when he gets home to run to the store, put the reciepts in the quicken, remember you forgot to deposit a PFL check and go looking for it to add to the hubby list.

9:20 am... you can hear laylabug in the crib turning on and off her fish toy (her new favorite game) so you go start doing dishes.

9:35 am... When the water stops running and you walk out of the kitchen you realize that the baby is now SCREAMING. You find her stuck in a corner of the crib, with the toy off, tear streaked and covered in snot. You pick her up, calm her down in the rocking chair, give her 2 ounces left over from that bottle earlier and take off her shoes. At which point she begins to talk and sing to herself. Mental note to self, won't nap in shoes.

9:45 am... play with baby on your lap for 15 minutes, assorted games of peek a boo, patty cake and baby bouncing up and down. then let her play with the rivets on your rock and roll tshirt while you try to drink a pepsi because you suddenly remember you haven't had anything to eat or drink yet today and you've been up for over 3 hours. She grabs your cup mid drink and you decide wearing pepsi on a black shirt is easier than changing.

10:00 am... the now calm baby is rubbing her eyes again. Fearing the crib will cause a flashback followed by screaming you put the now happy baby in the swing, crack the sliding glass door, point her towards nature, turn on the fan so she has something else to look at, turn on a country music station on the radio through the cable box channel and walk away slowly so she won't notice you're gone. Toss her a carebare and a jingling baby doll to play with from a distance and she laughs.

10:05 am... someone knocks on the door and tries to sell you a lawn mowing service despite not having any lawn.

10:07 am... get brave enough to walk to the front side of the swing because the jingle toy has stopped making noise, baby crashed out in an akward position, remove all toys and lower swing back so she is laying down. Scared to turn on the TV to a real station you make yourself a small salad with avocado and ranch dressing.

10:17 am... tip toe to the office. You look for jobs online and read your favorite websites while eating salad and drinking pepsi with reckless abandon...

10:45 am... start writing this post

11:07 am... baby still sleeping, decide to spend some time cultivating the babies wardrobe due to the california change of seasons most of her clothing is too hot and some of it is out but too small, although the other day you did pull out the next size up. Spend 15 minutes tossing things that are not 'right' into a box to be sorted between keepers, favorites and charity items later.

11:22 am... laylabug wakes up. change ANOTHER diaper and put her on the floor to play with a few toys while you finish up the baby room.

11:30 am... play with baby on office floor, using a vibrating bunny baby toy to make her laugh, decide to call mom so she can enjoy baby giggles at which point my daughter becomes fascinated with the phone and ignores the bunny all together until the phone call is over... talk to mom for 5 minutes about grandpa's health issues.

11:35 am... get off the phone with mom and check my voicemail, I have a message from the Drs office, I call them back... arrange payment for something I didn't know I had to pay for.

11:40 am... move to the living room and the baby starts saying "uff" over and over... decide if she wants puffs it's probably time for lunch.

11:45 am... laylabug eats lunch, mixed veggies and a few banana puffs for good measure, outside at the patio table then we dip her feet in the kiddie pool for a few minutes... meanwhile the landlord and her husband watch on while they do yardwork occassionally talking to themselves...whatever-dorks!

12:00 high noon, we come back into the house so no one gets a sunburn, I put the baby in the exersaucer in the kitchen while I clean up the kitchen counters with a bleach product, I break occassionally to keep the squeeling child entertained by the bouncy aspects of the exersaucer and also fork over a few cheerios which I got at the store today.

12:10 laylabug wants a bottle. I can tell because she keeps making suction noises with her mouth, I prep a 4 ounce bottle (the biggest she will drink by the way) and we go to the living room where she insists on sitting up like a big girl while she drinks, she then plays with my baseball cap for 2 or 3 minutes until I put it on her head.

12:15 remove dangling earrings to prevent permenant ear damage.

12:16 take baby to office floor and encourage crawling which she won't do... instead hand her the calculator (her favorite office toy) and type update on this blog

12:22 frustrated baby just started crying... I picked her up and calmed her down, she was grinding her teeth pretty badly, after some inspection (and almost getting my finger tip bitten off) I discover we are cutting yet another tooth (#9 or 10).

12:23 gave baby tylenol and put her in the swing with a pacifier to chew on so I could go pee... came back to find her asleep.

12:30 begin watching Nanny 911 on CMT and eat a piece of sour dough bread, then I go get the mail and discover 1 bill, 2 pieces of mail for people who don't live here and the weekly free classified ad with sales ads, so I look through the sales ads and the paper, discovering there are no jobs available I am summoned out of my seat by my inner demon the stress eating and find some fritos to munch on.

1:30 pm... the landlady asks why the geranium is dead, I remind her a fence fell on it a few months back and she proceeds to tell me a long list of all the plants she pulled up to make the yard in the front look less cluttered... 10 minutes of my life I would like back.

1:40 pm... go check my email for a job and try making a few phone calls for my mom's business that she asked me to make.

1:45 pm... check on baby who is still having a mystery nap, use the time to look through mail piles on the desk, counter and table to eliminate some things that can be filed or thrown away.

2:15 pm... the baby finally awakens from a nap due to a stinky diaper, which I change. We then spend some time trying to sit up unassisted without panicking (her sitting, me panicking).

2:30 pm... juice in a sippy cup and cheerios for a snack... not that we will drink much juice (she doesn't seem to like juice much anymore). I begin looking at the 2 hour nap my child just took and find myself wishing I had taken a shower because today the hubby won't be home until after 4 pm.

2:31 pm... decide to move laylabug in the exersaucer to the office and attempt to fill out goverment job application while giving her cheerios and juice at regular intervals... instead she begins to play.

3:15 pm... laylabug remembers there were cheerios and juice and I start giving her some whenever she signals she wants one of either... this trick earns me 30 minutes of online surfing job sites and reading blog info... because really trying to fill out an application with an infant home alone is ridiculus and can not be accomplished by mere mortals.

3:30 pm... stop focusing on computer and resume trying to get laylabug to say "mmmm" when you put something good in her mouth... feels rather like training a puppy really.

4:00 pm... hubby gets home from work and we talk for awhile in the office and marvel at how much the baby likes cheerios and how well she drinks from a sippy cup now.

4:05 pm... the baby starts to cry when hubby leaves the room so we follow him to the bedroom and she spends a good twenty minutes trying to crawl, rolling around and playing with both of us.

4:30 pm... wander back to the livingroom and try to put baby in the swing. Nope. On the ground. Nope. Decide baby might want dinner, three spoonfuls into squash with rice. Nope. Try walking in a circle and she starts giving me fish face... a sure sign she wants a bottle.

4:40 pm... give baby 4 oz bottle and hubby leaves for the grocery store to get the things I forgot and drop off a deposit at the bank.

5:00 pm... start dinner prep so I'm ready once hubby gets home to light the BBQ

5:20 pm... abruptly stop dinner prep due to screaming child that rolled herself on to cold tile and can't figure out what the "cold" problem is on her feet.

5:45- 6:20 pm... husband gets back from shopping, lights BBQ and I finish making dinner.

6:25pm... dinner, BBQ chicken, white rice and green beans. I feed the baby green beans and rice off my plate and she eats so much I actually cut her off.

7:00 pm... after dinner we start watching NCIS, put the baby to bed and I start doing dishes.

7:05 pm... frantic baby has rolled herself into a bad situation in the crib, after a bottle and some time in the swing she'll be fine.

8:00 pm... put the baby back to bed and this time she actually goes to sleep...

this is my last update for today but tonight there will be american idol watching and possible the 100th episode of ECW before bed... and then we'll sleep on it until tomorrow.

And for the boy who asked what i did all day... here is the male translation... "the baby got up early, we went to the grocery store and then we spent the day at home...and the evening watching tv."

LOL I think that about sums it up.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

May Madness

So last night I got out the clear dry erase calendar from the office in our home and wiped off April to start putting May down in some sort of official way. Good Lord, May is a much busier month than I expected. There are Dr appts, UI appts, birthdays, weddings, festivals, family dinners, people leaving the state, people coming from out of state to visit, a day all about moms, a day all about BBQing and probably still a few things I forgot to write down. So I hung it on the wall and I tried not to think about it. Then this morning I was reading my email and I looked up... and I thought... gosh I'm blessed. I'm not working and I still have lots of places to go that won't cost me much if anything. That's lucky... and I appreciate it. Now if someone could just remind me of that when I'm half way through my 3rd booked weekend, I'd appreciate it.