Wednesday, February 28, 2007
They moved my due date back. They think I ovulated twice. That's ok with me. As long as the baby likes it. October 15th...
Four more weeks and we'll hopefully get off that "high risk" list...
Your prayers are appreciated... GOD ROCKS! We love you all...and we love our little Sprout
Today my sonogram got moved up to ...well... today... at 3:30 and I learned the hardest part isn't waiting... it's arriving... and still not knowing.
Pray for us while we are tested and await results....we'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Ok rant over...
On another note your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated. I have an appt with another OBGYN on Thursday morning and hopefully will get good news then.
I've probably had this exact reaction to my statement of "feeling pregnant" at least 20 times in the last 2 weeks.
I think as Americans we have a HUGE set of entitlement issues. We feel entitled to be well feed, warm, dressed well, to feel good, to have friends, to have fun, and to be loved. We feel that life is obligated to make us happy. We feel people are obligated to help us and to understand us. When we feel we have those things we tell ourselves we are happy. We view success as the ability to be happy with the material excess of our life.
Happiness is not what life is about. I know because a long time ago I learned to seperate my society view of happiness and success from the view that it is necessary for my fulfillment. I do not feel fulfilled because I am wearing name brand jeans or because I know there will be lunch and dinner today with overflowing plates of my favorite foods. Today I am fulfilled because I am loved. I am loved even when I am not loved well. I am loved even if I am not loved by you. And you do love me...so that is more. I am feed... so that is more. I have more than I could ever need. I have love and then some.
I am not merely content. No, more so, I am overjoyed with the knowledge that happiness is fleeting but love has no bounds. I know joy. I know faith. I know hope. I don't know them every second of every day and that means that when I do know them I appreciate them all the more. I find the joy & the hope in the situation I am given. I have to.
My faith tells me it is my job to know and spread the knowledge that God's love has no limit. It is an absence of that love that leaves us cold, hungry or alone. It is our lack of acknowledgment that love is enough. Even the love we can not always feel or see... it is enough.
Commercials tell us if the bathroom is easier to clean we will be happy. Product placement tells us happy people drink name brand soda. Movie trailers tell us happiness is knowing what's it like to wake up one day and find out you are a princess of a far away land. Life tells us that if we just had one more thing we'd be happy.
In other cultures there are people who have never had the things we feel are necessary to live a fulfilled life. They've never been angry they've missed their prime time tv favorites because they don't have a tv. They've never complained about the taste of the house wine selection because they haven't had dinner in weeks. They've never felt what it was like to know that if you didn't go to school someone would come looking for you. They instead miss day after day of school to take care of a situation they are too young to mend. They starve and they worry.
They know joy. Look into their eyes and you can see it. They don't know where their next meal will come from but they know without a shadow of a doubt that they are alive. Life alone for them a constant reminder that they are loved by a God that knows they go without and still lets them struggle to live. A gift.
A gift of life. As simple and yet beautifully complicated as it is... it is what they need to know they love. To be loved by God is merely to be given the chance to exist. Even if it is hard. Even if it is fleeting. It was there. It was proof. It was joy.
On a smaller scale this same battle of life is taking place inside my body. Small and loved a child is struggling for a life. A child loved by God. A child loved by me. A child who knows nothing more than surviving and who has hope...as small as it is... that life is enough.
I feel pregnant. As scary and uncomfortable as that can be when you're battling infertility, I look at it every single day and I see in it the small speck of life. Life created by a God who's love knows no limit and I am hopeful. I have joy. I live in the moment knowing it is fleeting and that it's ability to end at any second is what makes it so powerful & beautiful.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
So I'm sitting there in the company meeting, freezing because the air conditioning is very high and thinking about all the ways I hope to add value to my unborn childs life and how I can't wait for that to happen and I start to think about my life. In the last week, I've had several things cross my path and in most of them I've tried honestly to add value to the situation. To teach someone something or to stay out of the way when my opinion wasn't going to add in a helpful manner is a hard thing to do.
The truth is that it's hard to add value to life. We as humans are greedy. We want to be right. We want to be justified. We want others to show sympathy when we are hurt or joy when we are celebrating. We want to be valued. But today I thought very hard about how much less important it is to be valued than validated.
I know a few people who constantly bemoan that they aren't valued (be it- at a job they don't like, a relationship they don't appreciate being in, or even in how they interact with their family). These people, myself included, want someone to give them value by seeing it their way or by acknowledging they are right.
Is that value? Is that helpful? Or are we teaching ourselves, our children and our friends that validation adds value? Because we shouldn't be. If we knew we were we would probably stop. Just today I thought about 3 seperate situations where by "understanding someone's situation" I probably gave off the impression that they were validated in their reaction.
I don't want to be validating peoples reactions. I want to validate your feelings. I want to validate your value in God's kingdom. I want to validate that you are loved. I don't want to validate that it's ok to react to anyone else in a way that diminishes them or is demeaning to their value.
So I guess this is really all about me and my struggle. My continuing struggle to be a better person and to try to put value into the BIG PICTURE. My adding value to you should add value to the whole situation and if it doesn't I'm going to be rethinking it. Mainly because I want my child to know that their value isn't related to anyone else's but it is effected more by what gives the BIG PICTURE than what it takes from the BIG PICTURE.
In the end I want to be adding value to God's Big Picture, and I want you to want the same thing.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Throwing up dinner?
Sleeping for no reas?
Sign me up!
Inability to get comfortable in my work clothing?
Just as long as there is a sign of a baby in there incubating away I'd put up with just about anything. In the last week I've officially moved to the part of being pregnant where you throw up your dinner, sleep more and your clothing doesn't fit right. I'm so excited I can't see straight.
I find myself throwing up and then being excited that "there's a baby in there". In fact, I know another person who is also pregnant right now that is rather baffled by my joy at being miserable. But the way I see it... it's a sign from God.
I know it's probably a stretch that it's a sign from God. It's moreso a sign of hormone levels and bad food choices. But I'm still hopeful and I pray every night for the Lord to hold my hope for me. He's doing an excellent job so far.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I decided awhile back that I would make Tuesdays my day of praying big. You see... God can handle the big requests we're just too small of thinkers. I've been calling it Pray for Tuesdays. Well I've decided to drag you all down the Pray for Tuesdays path with me... this is my prayer list for this week... think big people... and then pray... and leave your Prayers for Tuesday in the comments section below.
1. For a safe and healthy baby at the end of the long difficult high risk pregnancy path that I am on.
2. For people to be able to understand that they choose to prolong family drama when they refuse to work with/or in it. As the case might be.
3. For the people who have lost the light in their eyes to find something or someone that reminds them that they can be passionate about life.
4. For the children of Africa to be free from hunger long enough to learn what it takes to never have to be hungry again.
5. For the whole world to learn to pray big on Prayer Tuesdays.
The day after we booked I jokingly told Jon that I knew we would concieve near March because we had a whole plan it would muck up. Well it's 22 days before my trip and I'm awfully knocked up. At least I saw it coming.
So I find myself today looking at www.disneyland.com trying to come up with 4 days worth of fun stuff to do that doesn't involve riding a lot of rides (I'm high risk) but still lets me get in the couple of rides I really wouldn't want to miss. Like for instance, the new Pirates of the Carribean ride or Mr Toads Wild Ride... which are my favorites.
So what is your favorite thing to do in the Land of Mouse?
Monday, February 19, 2007
Tomorrow I'll be back at work. My life has changed a lot in the last two weeks and it was good to have a few days to catch up on my rest and the laundry. Last night Jon did dishes for me and I went to bed early...soaking up the last of my little weekend off won't be hard.
Next week work is supposed to be chaos. In a way, I'm thankful because it will be a distraction from the two week wait for a second ultra sound. I have a new hire, a possible new hire and a company meeting on Friday to prep. I'll be nice and busy.
Lately I am struck by the awe fairy. There I'll be making dinner or watching tv and it will hit me. There's a baby in there. It's funny even after a short battle with fertility how off guard it can catch me. How baffled I can be by it when I think about it. How careful we are with our hope...
Friday, February 16, 2007
The ultra sound shows a gestational sac which would be normal for a 6 week old. It doesn't have a little baby in it yet so they said it's one of two things. 1. I'm not as far along as they thought because I have PCOS and my periods are wonky and that means I should be taking progesterone to help make a baby. 2. The baby isn't growing and they can't help me.
The solution? Assume the best. I'm taking Prometrium (orally) for the next 2 weeks then I'm going to get another ultra sound. If there is a baby then I'll take Prometrium till my 17th week and then wean off and the kid should be fine. If there isn't a baby then I stop taking Prometrium, get a D & C and go to Disneyland and ride adult rides.
Not that it will be that easy. Nothing ever is.
As of right now we are praying with all our hearts that I am just 6 weeks along and in 2 weeks someone is going to be putting up camp inside my uterus. I might be getting a prayer pager from my church. A prayer pager allows people to send you a page when they pray for you so you can feel the support of your community.
As for me, I lift my hope to the Lord and I ask you to do the same. Now if you don't mind I'm going to go throw up because this new pill doesn't like me very much. Which I'm ok with. If I get a baby out of it.
On a happy note the Sprout seems to severely dislike maple sugar and chocolate and really like rasberry iced tea and meat. I am officially having food aversions now.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I have a Drs Appt today. After that I have a blood test and a sonogram scheduled on Wednesday of next week. Then I have an Appt with an actual OBGYN at the end of Feb.
I'm going to Disneyland in March. Exactly 2 weeks after the 12 week panic ends...
I'll be the one drinking chocolate milk and looking at baby clothes.
How am I feeling? Panic inducing stressed out. That's how I'm feeling.
You see, once you have miscarried you constantly wonder if you will miscarry again. Combine that with the fact that the only signs I have had of pregnancy are positive tests and acne. I'm feeling a little unsure.
I know most of that is unwarranted. Some women don't get sick. People keep telling me that.
I suppose I'll believe them... once I'm holding a new born in September.
Until then I'll be praying a lot. And having other people pray a lot. And marveling over every single itty bitty sign I might still be with child.
Was that heartburn or did I just eat too much salsa? Either way... it's probably a sign I'm pregnant ... because so far the only sign I have is worrying like I'm someone's mother.
Monday, February 12, 2007
If you’ve never seen Inside the Actors Studio with host James Lipton you’re missing out on great entertainment hearing about celebrities careers. But, my favorite part of the show is at the end when he asks EVERY celebrity the same 10 questions. So, since we’ll never be on the show let’s answer them amongst our own community. Feel free to copy this to your own blog or myspace bulletin and repost it.
1. What is your favorite word?
Whimsical. But I hardly every use it.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Waiting. I don't like the entire concept of words that involve telling you that you have to use the patience you probably don't have.
3. What turns you on? (creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?)
Laughter; heart-felt, full body, tear in the eye, cramp in the side laughter
4. What turns you off?
Bitter people with dead light in their eyes.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
mother f'ing... usually just like that... with out the uck...
6. What sound or noise do you love?
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
People talking about you in the background of your wedding tapes was pretty bad but I think people talking about you in general when you over hear it is pretty lame
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I'd love to be a children's book author
9. What profession would you not like to do?
I'm not ok with being a clinic employee...ewww germs
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“I knew you could handle it!”
As it turns out, even the best Drs sometimes make huge mistakes. Sometimes, it's best to follow your instincts. When your body says... "no really there is a baby in there" sometimes there is one.
So we're taking it down...
And I'm replacing it with one of these bad boys...
Friday, February 09, 2007
At this point we are unclear as to whether my negative blood test and the report from my Doctor on the 22nd of January was a mistake or whether somehow I have gotten pregnant in the last month without having any predictable signs of ovulation...
But either way... 4 pee sticks, 2 blood tests and 1 call from the Dr later...
I'm going to be a Mommy.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
2. Not knowing the answer to something that I know has an answer.
3. Dishes that are left in the sink with food on them.
4. Socks with sandals... or worse yet...brown socks with black sandals.
5. Snot dripping down someone's kids face.
6. Foods that wiggle.
7. People who don't return calls or emails.
8. Not having enough hours in the day.
9. When the cat scratchs at the bedroom door.
10. People who flake when they make plans with you.
11. When people are offended by something they praise you for.
12. Waiting... for anything.
13. Not having enough time to write a real Thursday 13...
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Two and a half more days and then hopefully this will be a regular occurance in my kitchen because she's moving in. The hubby and I are getting a room-mate.
I can't decide what I'm most excited about... knowing I'll have one more person to cook for... or knowing I'll have one more person to cook for.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
Monday- Penne with Italian Sausage and Sweet Peppers & Onions
Tuesday- Pot Roast
Wednesday- Fish Sticks & Mac n Cheese (for the hubby)
Thursday- Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup (my scrapbooking night)
Friday- Grilled Shrimp & Salad
Saturday- Ordering Pizza (our new room mate is moving in... no use in cooking in the middle of moving furniture being dragged passed you)
Sunday- Eating dinner at Mom2's house... Brother in Laws Bday ... the big 3 0
It was pretty...
Then we drove to Capitola where there was power to have dinner at Margaritaville...
But we had Mango & Strawberry Daquiris...
Oh and the boys had beer...
Friday, February 02, 2007
The first theme is a Godfather Movie Night (also an Italian Mob Movie Night)-
Your going to need your favorite Mobster movies. For me that means the Godfather trilogy. Have everyone wear their best Mobster outfit. Make a traditional Italian meal (spaghetti and meatballs or baked ziti are my favorites) and put some Frank Sinatra on in the kitchen. Serve red wine from carafes and enjoy your adult movie night. For a game twist you can try taking a shot when ever someone says the word Godfather or trying to count the number of times someone says "back in Sicily".
The second theme is an actor based theme (for instance... John Travota Night)-
Get your favorite movies all containing one actor. Such as for this theme night you would need Pulp Fiction, Phenomenon, Michael, Look Who's Talkin' etc. If you've seen the movies before cook foods that are in each movie as that movie is playing. For instance making a burger during Pulp Fiction, Fresh Garden salad during Phenomenon, Chocolate Chip Cookies during Michael (he smells like them) and pop corn during look who's talking to share during the scene where they get free popcorn. During theme nights like this I play a twist on the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon seeing if we can connect any other actors and actresses with the star of the night using only 6 other actors or actresses.
Hope you enjoy my themes...What are some other themes that you enjoy?
Thursday, February 01, 2007
1. You'll fight over the pillows. I'm talking every.SINGLE.night. Usually this fight is because I'm a pillow hoarder and would take them all if I was allowed but I'm sure we aren't the only couple that go through this.
2. You'll talk endlessly about your families. Seriously, no one told me 80% of the conversations you have when you're bored will be about how it was different when you were little.
3. You'll Eat Out. I used to eat out because I was single and it wasn't worth it to cook for one. I was raised to cook for 4. Turns out I can't cook for 2 either, I over shoot it, I under shoot it and a lot of times I'm too lazy to shoot at all.
4. You'll find someone will always be over. You'll invite people over all the time. It's like you and your new partner want to show off how cool it is to have your own place. You'll be the hang out house for awhile.
5. You'll play to win and they'll hold a grudge. I never thought being married was so much like 3rd grade but occassionally I remember after a game of backgammon.
6. You'll still ask to use each others stuff. I figure the first sign we're not newlyweds anymore will be when I don't ask to borrow a tank top anymore. But, for some reason when you're first married you still ask for permission.
7. You'll worry about it. It doesn't matter what it is. The wife will always find something to worry about. For instance, your husband will go for a jog and you'll hear a siren and then you'll call his cell on his jog and ask him if he's alive because you heard an ambulance. Hypothetically... not that I've ever done that.
8. You'll watch more TV. Oh sure you think you'll be busy playing to win, eating in and fighting over the pillows but you're going to watch more TV. Especially if you normally watch the same sorts of things like Law & Order Marathons. He'll find an episode while he's bored, next thing you know you're both sucked in and 5 hours later you know who did it but you'll need to go out to dinner because it's too late to cook.
9. You'll clean house as a sign of affection. Growing up you'd point to someone's pile of laundry to call them out as a dirty mess. Once you're married you point out the clean pile of laundry you made...hinting they were a dirty slob... and reminding them how nice you are. You'll consider taking out the trash a sign of your true love.
10. You'll go on big trips and then be shocked at how bored you are. I think being Newlywed we assume we'll always have company but truth of the matter is no husband can make a trip to visit the relatives fun enough or laugh you through being sick in a resort town. On the upside you'll have someone to talk to about how much more exciting travel was when you were little and you'll still plan the big trips... until you come up with one that's really fun.
11. You'll plan for the future and then ignore the plan. Ahh the 1st year... "budget- oh we have one" (it's that thing we talk about doing and then ignore for a chance to go on a road trip or out to lunch after church). "Envelopes & cash only", great idea.... let's start that later (as in never). We just need a savings account so let's start saving ... or we could go on another trip.
12. You'll find it easier to let go of the toxic people. As single people we feel we need our friends, even the bad ones, you really need them. You need them until they piss off your spouse or until, worse yet, they insult your spouse because little did they know you're new job is to jump infront of bullets for this person... or to push them under a train to keep them from hurting your new hubby or wife.
13. You'll really like the fact that your house doesn't look or smell the same. Yesterday I got home, dishes in the sink, Jon's clothing on the floor, my clothing on the floor, and the mail on the couch... it smelt like his cologne and I felt for the first time since I got married... a lot more like it was our house than my house and it smelt like home.
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