Friday, March 30, 2007
On the 4th I have a doctors appt where a midwife will tell me (I hope) that the baby is thriving. After that, it should all be downhill. While I'd like to say my hopes aren't getting up I'm going to admit that despite all the burping I'm rather enjoying this now that I heard a heartbeat at home. (By the way I used your lovely advice and my baby's heartbeat appears to be 153 bpm...granted I could have made a mistake so we'll wait for the midwife to confirm I'm doing it right... but then... boy we're going to celebrate).
I have found the cure to the mid afternoon lull. It's called a slurpee. Thank the Lord I am not diabetic. But I'm a slurpee loving fool now. Cherry flavored or pepsi flavored are my favorite. It feels like they are the only drinks that are cold enough for me. I've also discovered that when I eat red meat I'm a lot less likely to get morning sickness.
I can't believe I'm almost a third of the way done.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I'm scared to use it. On one hand it could totally relieve me to find a heartbeat. On the other hand I could use it wrong and freak out for no reason because I don't have instructions. Or perhaps there is no heartbeat and this process is at it's end. Am I ready to know that yet? I don't know.
So I wait. $150 bucks and I'm waiting. What am I waiting for? The forces to align, a clear sign from God... nope... just for a full enough bladder and a high enough self esteem to take a stab at fishing for a heartbeat.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I never imagined that on my 28th birthday I'd be totally focused on someone else's birthday that wouldn't be for another 198 days. I never imagined on my 28th birthday I'd be married to the kind of man who I knew I'd spend my whole life with. I never imagined on my 28th birthday there would be a bitter cold wind blowing outside with a bright California sun overhead. I suppose I never imagined much about my 28th birthday. I don't think I had a plan past 25. Nothing I planned for the first 25 years happened like I imagined it would. That makes me glad that I didn't plan any further because the stuff I never imagined...some of it's brilliantly beyond my imagination.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
199 days left...
I guess I should sleep in while I still can.
I've terminated lots of people in my time doing HR and Office Manager jobs. This was the first time EDD asked me for a reference. Highly suspicious of the fact that they would call me I said I declined to give reference and that any paperwork needed for an EDD claim could be faxed to me. The person said ok and hung up. I thought about how akward it was that they didn't ask for my fax number. I then promptly decided that I didn't care and went back to watching Oprah talk about Grammar Girl's Website (which I've always thought was pretty cool).
When I got to work today I got a forwarded call from someone in my office via email (we can do that in my office). The call was also from Todd King and he said as follows "Hi my name is Todd King uhh I have an application thing in front of me I was Um just wondering about the reasons is for this lady's firing. I'm not supposed to indulge the name over the name over the phone. If you could I would let you allow me to call you back I would. Alright bye." (no that's not bad typing that's really what it said I listened to it while I typed it)
I laughed a little to myself because I suddenly knew who "Todd King" was. The caller ID identified them on my phone as the cell phone number of the boyfriend of a girl I let go (after being part time for 3 weeks). His name is not Todd King. Todd King died 7 years ago. Todd King does not work for the EDD. I just called and turned him in.
So "Todd" here's some idiot pointers for you next time you decide to break federal law.
1. DO NOT call from your cell phone when that number is listed as the persons other contact number.
2. DO NOT use the name of a dead local person. Other people will know they are dead too.
3. DO NOT pretend to be a government official.
4. You can not indulge a name. You can divulge it.
5. EDD people don't check references via phone.
6. EDD people do leave their phone numbers and tell you who they are calling about.
7. An application thing is probably a pencil or perhaps a clip board. Not an application.
8. In order to get a job with the EDD you have to be able to speak clearly. You take a grammar tests. You know that the reasoning for that is to determine that you understand saying "reasons for firing" wouldn't sound professional.
9. I do not allow you to call me back. Thanks for asking. Now if only you had asked me when I was there I could avoid having to call you a fraud when you call back.
Oh and for the record "Todd" I gave your girlfriend a termination letter. It listed her reason for termination. You should ask her to let you read it. It tells her how to get an employment reference on it.
Friday, March 23, 2007
What I am though is really really happy. For the first time in my life I feel like even the things that aren't perfect are managable. Not all of them are under my control but nothing feels like it's spinning out of control. It's a strange feeling. So this morning I was thinking about making a small list of things I wanted to change about myself before I'm someone's Mommy. I came up with 5 things I'd like to do. They're small but I think they'll help a lot.
1. I want to stop marketing myself to people when I really don't care if they like me. I seem to think I need to do what other people are doing to be cool. I don't. I know better. So I'm getting rid of the things I do just because "everyone does them". Things like my myspace account (which is a huge waste of time) and my desire to wear new clothing every summer.
2. I want to make responsible financial choices as a couple. Don't get me wrong Jon and I aren't frollicking around in debt and ignoring it but it's time to go from having "some savings" to a savings account. I know Jon feels the same way. So I guess it's time we sat down and made a plan.
3. I want to be accountable and hold others accountable for being productive human beings. I don't know how you decide if a person is a productive human but I know there are some small things in life that make a huge difference. Like are you doing chores that help you or chores to help everyone? Are you serving others in your community with the same graceful heap of time you give yourself to be wasteful? Are you showing people you care? Nope... me either... well I am but not enough so I'm going to try and do more.
4. I want to live a life that glorifies God. My home doesn't reflect my religion, neither does my clothing, my prayers do but that's a little to one on one with God. I need to start putting forth an effort to reflect God in my daily actions.
5. I want to laugh more. Last night I had a great night. I laughed a lot. I enjoyed myself with other women. I really liked laughing. I haven't had a great laugh in awhile. I used to laugh so much but now I'm so busy wondering why others are accountable and punishing myself for infertility issues I have no control over that I don't celebrate life. I want to laugh. Really laugh.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
" These (trials) have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
I Peter 1:7 (NIV)
Test me so that I may prove that my faith is genuine.
Test me so that I may know for myself that may hope is pure.
Test me so that I may be blessed with never forgetting that God alone can get me through this.
Battling infertility teaches you things. It doesn't matter if your battle is short or if you stake yourself out in the 40 year war. If you have ever been touched by the agony of infertility- you've learned something. It's not all good things you learn but some of it's good. It's not all a struggle but some of it's unbearably hard. It's not all bad but some of it could kill a person of weak conviction. These are the things I have learned from my struggle. These are the things my trails have taught me. These are my little somethings... something good, something hard to struggle with, something bad, and something new.
When you first start to battle infertility you learn the good things. You learn to make a plan, to except defeat of your plan and to stand up and try again. Infertility, no matter how scary, no matter the path you choose, no matter the steps you decide to take has the same result in every person. It teaches you what you are willing to do for love. It is a powerful thing to be able to quantify the limits of your conviction. It is a wonderful thing to learn as an adult the refresher course of "if you fall off your bike you have to try again or you'll never learn to ride." We need refresher courses. We need to remember the things we valued when we first started to learn and develop into wise little people.
Then somewhere in the process you learn to struggle. The infertility struggle is unlike any other struggle you've ever had. Infertility is different than an addiction yet you crave for it to be filled. Infertility is harder than a tempation and yet you know it is there pulling at you no matter what you are trying to do. In the second stage of your infertility you learn to struggle. You're sitting there one day with your plan and your water off the back, no skin in my teeth mentality and then one day you just break. A solid-cracked in half- dear God how will I ever live through this pain broken. A broken beyond tears. A broken beyond hope. A broken beyond breathing. And yet as broken as you are you struggle to breath, you struggle to believe, you struggle to have faith. This struggle, the struggle to hold on to God's will, to keep your hope and to keep going... it is another thing that infertility will give you.
One day the struggle takes on a life of it's own. One day the struggle becomes part of your identity. When the struggle becomes a part of you, the way you interact with life changes. When the struggle was something you were overcoming you were still you. One day you wake up and you are not just you... you are also barren. Infertility becomes part of your identity. "You know Sally, the one who's been trying to have a baby for 10 years". Suddenly, you even identify yourself by your barren womb. You identify with pain, with empty arms, with thirst and with hungery but that part of you that struggles for hope starts to tell you that infertility is part of who you are. This is the bad thing infertility teaches you. Infertility steals part of your hope, part of your faith and part of your life and it grows like a parasite in you. Till one day you feel that it is just a part of what has always been.
Then it happens. The big IT. Your pregnant (or perhaps your adopting or making a life change) but some sort of big IT happens and infertility becomes a haunting memory of the past. It is part of who you are and how you react but it's no longer the thing by which all other things are measured and you stand there bewildered by the sudden freedom you have. In my case, the IT, was to become pregnant after being told I had just miscarried. For me the something new was worrying about the baby instead of worrying about if there would be a baby. It was new and akward. Infertility taught me to have fear in my heart, to identify with a lack of hope, to struggle daily, and then one day it just taught me to let go.
Perhaps you're not there yet. Perhaps letting go seems so far away that you'll never reach it. But you will reach it. I know. I know for a couple reasons. I know because I've been there and as different or the same as we are, we are still children of a God that loves us and he's going to take you somewhere someday. It may not be where you think you need to go. But you'll like it when you get there. I also know because I can still feel it. The doubt of infertility still haunts me and so I can relate to every gasp for air and every grasp for reality you struggle with. Lastly, I know because even if it all starts again tomorrow for me... I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel and it's worth the test.
So again I stand at the start of my battle field. And I look out into the world around me and I scream... "TEST ME" because I know you will. At least now when it happens, I can say it was my idea. I call you out doubt. I call you out infertility struggle with hope. I call you out inner demons. Go ahead and test me. I dare you. I'm not giving up that easy.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Thursday after everyone finally got offwork and got their stuff ready to go we left for Disneyland. Two detours, one stop at In & Out Burger and one stop for gas later we were at Disneyland. Arriving at the Disneyland hotel at 1:30 am has it's disadvantages...for instance there is only one employee checking people in so you have to wait in line.
The room was great. We all got settled in pretty quickly and I went to sleep. Some people had trouble sleeping... I wasn't one of them.
The next morning we picked up our gift card at the front desk and went to the park. We at Breakfast at the Carnation place and met Oscar the chef who's worked for the park for a million years. We rode the jungle cruise, Peter Pan, The Winnie the Pooh ride, Haunted Mansion, & Pirates of the Carribean. I think there was one more ride but I can't remember what it was. We walked around A TON. We ate lunch & went back to the hotel to take a nap. We watched the parade and the fireworks. Then we went back to the hotel to bed.
The next morning I had some bleeding. I stayed in the hotel while everyone else went to the park to ride more rides and contacted my OBGYN only to be told by a nurse to get bed rest and no more rides. Later the Midwife called me to tell me to keep my walking to a minimum never walking more than 10 minutes at a time. I spent that day mostly in the hotel crying. I cleaned myself up for lunch with my husband at Tortilla Jos. Then back to the hotel for more rest. Then to Downtown Disney for some quality time with Jon's cousin Sarah and then back to the hotel & to Disneyland for our dinner at Blue Bayou (picture with Hubby below) & to the Ca Park to see the electrical light parade. Then I'm back to the hotel. Still spotting... and panic riden. My mom and her husband offer to fly my home but I decline because nothing could be done if I went home and it's my birthday trip so I'm staying.
The morning after that I sleep in, we all do. It's been a long trip so far. When we get up my husband checks out a wheelchair (picture below) and spends part of the day pushing me around. First he pushes me to La Brea Bakery for breakfast. Then to CA adventure while I spend a lot of time sitting and waiting for people to get off rides. I ride Soaring over Ca. We all see the Aladin musical and we spend some time in the Beasts Library finding out which Disney character we would be. That's about it for that day. Some eating. Some sleeping. I end up back at the hotel after dinner and I don't go back to the park because it's very very boring to sit and wait for people when no one wants to sit with you.
The last day we check out of the hotel and spend the whole day in Disneyland. We do the Early Admission ToonTown and we take pictures with Mickey (below) and the boys take pictures in some of the scenery (also below). Other people ride rides, they use me to cut in line at the Jungle Cruise which we decide I can ride. We do some shopping. The hubby sacrifies his day to pushing me around and sitting with me so I don't have to be by myself while other people frollick off to rides. We leave the park at 7:30 p.m. All tired. All done. We drove home till 1 am.
I suppose it was an alright vacation. I reckon I'll feel much better about it once I get an OBGYN to tell me the baby lived through it just fine. As of yet no one at the OBGYN has returned my call today. There are parts I'll remember, like hanging out with Sarah, watching the parades & getting ride pirates once before I went out of commission.
The Boys Locked in Toontown Jail
Group picture with Mickey Mouse
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
n. pl. anx·i·e·ties
1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
2. A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
3. Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
Yesterday, I finally gave up and called my OBGYN. I'm so stressed about the fact that I don't feel "very pregnant" most of the time and I spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Most days I feel green. Not sick. Not well. Just in limbo, keeping a trashcan or a cup or even a toilet near and knowing that it's not time yet to use it. Today I feel like I'm waiting for the green in my body to purge itself. Green instead of blue though...green like I have control instead of blue...because there is no sadness... only waiting.
Part of it is morning sickness and part of it is fear. I haven't felt too pregnant really. I haven't had a ton of symptoms. Each day without a symptom I feel like it's the day before the spotting starts. Spotting never starts. So I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I feel like any second now God, or a Dr, or even a friend is going to tell me it's all a joke. That I'm not really pregnant. That it's not really my turn. That I'm in the 5-10% that miscarry after a heart beat. So I wait. I am scared.
This weekend we have a trip planned to Disneyland. I'm scared to death of this trip. I feel like in going I'm not being honest with myself about how pregnant I am. I know I won't ride a lot of rides. I don't trust my body not to jump ship on the baby bandwagon. Instead I'll spend each day thinking what I think today... how many more days till it's ok.
Each Drs appt being the moment that the world might become clear again. The next Dr app & the next chance at redemption or the next poke at fate. I ask God to hold my hope for me but lately I feel like I'm awaiting the apocolypse.
So I moved up my appointment. Today at 2 pm I'll see if I can breath a little easier. I read somewhere that having a child after a miscarriage or infertility is a lot like PTSD. Every emotion is amplified by your stress and your fear. I know that can't be good for a baby so I'm going to do everything in my power to get over my own weakness, to let God make me feel shaken and to let God's love wash over me.
Monday, March 12, 2007
And then I died.
My tombstone shall read: Lived through pnuemonia twice, bad driving, california food, and a horrible ex... but was finally done in by a room mate who fried eggs.
Here's an idea. If the person you live with looks like hell warmed over. Don't make them ill without thinking about what your doing.
While laying death bed with clothe on head and bowl for vomiting. I start to wonder. What is that smell? What are the neighbors doing? It smells like dog farts. No really bad BO. No. I know. It smells like pig fecal matter. No wait. It's fried eggs. Why are the neighbors frying eggs? I hate the neighbors. Neighbors suck. Wait. No... can't be... my house.... damn... it's the room mate.
And then vomit. Twice. For good measure.
I text message the husband to tell him I was offically dead and I was sorry I died on the good comforter. But I had to get off the phone. To vomit.
She's lucky I love her.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Wow... we're at 9 weeks today. Three more weeks till we're off the high risk list. That seems like forever now but I remember when weeks used to fly by and I try to focus on the fact that a part of me knows that it's just my perception and not that time is actually slowly dwindling to a stop.
My cousin is back from Iraq via Germany now. I accidently ran into him today on my lunch break. Turns out we have the same taste in food still. It was good to see him...he was tired but we got a good laugh about my shirt today which says "Pregnant (not fat)".
I mentioned to him how life as an adult seems a lot like a huge game of hurry up and wait. Hurry up and fill this out then wait for a reply. Hurry up and get there and then wait for a table. Hurry up and make a baby now wait for us to tell you it's ok.
The sun is bright in California today and as I hurried back to work where I knew I'd spend several hours waiting impatiently for my day to end I rolled down the windows in my car, opened my sun roof and sang along with the radio. Hey... if I'm going to wait... I'm going to enjoy it.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Secondly, my scrapbook group for tonight got canceled and instead my Sister in Law and I are going to look for Maternity Jeans. Yay shopping. Jon works late so I'll be the one frollicking down the target isles with the evil grin and large pile of things I'm not allowed to buy.
I've taken to walking during both my daily breaks. The first one I always just walk in a big circle around the block but the afternoon one I walk to the Chevron by my office and get an ice cream. All those studies that say whole milk is good for pregnant women are after my heart. Today I got a chocolate chip cookie sandwich and then marveled at how odd I was as I picked out the chocolate chips and threw them away.
I'm pretty sure sprout is going to come out with a spanish accent. Apparently the baby didn't get the "we're all white here" memo. I crave mexican food, cheese and mango flavored drinks. I figure I'm a few months away from being one of those women who just eats salsa directly from the jar by pouring it on to the chips. And no...for the record... it doesn't help with the heartburn problem.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I have weird cramping today. I suppose weird cramping is to be expected. I hope it's not a sign of impending doom. I figure stress is more of an enemy than cramps so I am trying to keep my stress levels low.
Jon had to sleep on the couch again last night. Well... he didn't have to... but he did. Bless his heart. I slept like a baby again sprawled across the bed in front of my open freezing window. It was great.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Picture yourself driving down the busiest street in your town. For some reason this morning the bumper to bumper traffic problem is classic despite the fact that there is normally no traffic at all. And then you feel it. That 10 second warning that you're about to blow chunks. The taste in the back of your mouth throws you into a panic. And then you remember that stupid disposable cup.
That cup saved my upholstery this morning. Day 4 of morning sickness took on a new twist. I can officially say I can puke and drive at the same time. I ended up with a craving for McDonald's hashbrowns. That was not worth it. I wasted $4.00 there.
I also got the joy of throwing up in a public restroom trash can in front of a small child who began to cry. It's only 9:45.
Yesterday was probably the worst morning sickness I've had yet but I'm thinking of giving it a run for it's money. On the upside, every time I throw up I rejoice a little in my heart. If it wasn't for heartburn from toast and throwing up with no notice I'd forget I was pregnant.
Yesterday I had one of those lovely OBGYN blood labs and I spent most of the day feeling slightly light headed. I had the hubby make me a dinner of top ramen (don't judge me). I woke up this morning to find I had all the pillows and that my husband had resigned himself to sleep on the couch due to my spanning the entire bed in an effort to get comfortable. I felt so good. For a minute.
Ironically enough, tonight is the night that Dad's coming over for dinner. I think I'm going to have to reschedule this time because I'm not sure I can handle cooking food. Right now I can't even handle eating food. I hope the babies doing fine. I didn't throw up all night though and I'm sure 8 hours of sleeping was long enough for my prenatal vitamin & prometrium supplement to make it to Sprout.
A friend of mine sent me the picture below this week. This is the actual size of an 8 week olds fetus' feet. It gives me hope.
Monday, March 05, 2007
The girl was probably 20. She was raving on and on about this guy who she sees all the time. She raves about him with lot's of likes and totally's to the person on the other end of her cell phone. Then she continues with "no the starbucks on L***er".
Now I'm really listening. My husband works there. Dark hair... ok that narrows it down... tall... also narrows it down... suddenly looks sort of scruffy must not be happy with his wife... oh and he's gotta wedding ring... but it's silver so maybe it's not real... his name... Jon? At least she thinks it's Jon. He's a flirt.
OMG. That's my husband. Honey... hate to break it to you but he's scruffy because he's tired because he has been having trouble sleeping since the wife he knocked up started taking his pillows and insisting that we sleep with the window open.
Sorry. He's mine.
I'd worry about it except you're too young to realize that a happily married Christian man can be nice to you and flirt with you while he makes your coffee and not being trying to get into your pants.
I'm glad I trust my husband... because he's going to get a good laugh out of this one.
Friday, March 02, 2007
My new OB took me off the Metformin that my first Dr had me on. She left me on the Prometrium though to keep my progesterone levels up. One day off the metformin and I already feel loads better. No more puking. I hated all that puking.
Still have lots of heartburn though so I know I'm still awfully pregnant. It makes life entertaining. I asked Pickles yesterday why they call it heartburn because it's not near your heart and it doesn't burn. She didn't have an answer.
Last night was a lot of laughs at my house anyhow. Pickles stayed home and we all ate dinner and played around online, joking amoungst ourselves about Disneyland. Batman also stopped by for a visit. My husband was my hero running out three times yesterday...twice to the pharmacy and once to get me soft serve ice cream. He rocks at being a pregnant ladies husband!!
This weekend is pretty uneventful if you don't count the fact that I need to prep for next weekend. We can't wait to see Jon's cousin from down south. TGIF
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I'm also super excited because the baby is ok and I got a new OBGYN which I love. I feel like my blessings are overflowing this week. I can't hardly contain myself.
We have a trip to Disneyland coming up and family coming into town to visit before that so we'll be busy busy. I bet the time till the long awaited 12 week safety game is over will be fast approaching. It's nice to have distractions.
We have a heartbeat so the chance of miscarriage has lessened. It goes down again. I like the sound of that... 4 weeks left and counting.