Wednesday, April 30, 2008
1. Where is your cell phone? expensive
2. Your significant other? sleeping
3 Your hair? crazy
4. Your mother? different
5. Your father? funny
6. Your favorite thing? layla
7. Your dream last night? friends
8. Your favorite drink? empty
9. Your dream/goal? working
10. The room you're in? vacant
11. Your hobby? diapers
12. Your fear? abandonment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? safe
14. Where were you last night? couch
15. What you're not? skinny
16. Muffins? butter
17. One of your wish list items? security
18. Where you grew up? nowhere
19. The last thing you did? kisses
20. What are you wearing? pjs
21. Your TV? FoodNetwork
22. Your pets? away
23. Your computer? dusty
24. Your life? searching
25. Your mood? restless
26. Missing someone? usually
27. Your car? dented
28. Something you're not wearing? bra
29. Favorite store? target
30. Your summer? extended
31. Like someone? you
32. Your favorite color? pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? bouncey
34. Last time you cried? JOB
Monday, April 28, 2008
This month mommy had a lot of ups and a lot of downs. On a day that couldn't get any more down she walked into the room you had been taking a nap from and found you like this. How you managed this half pull up is beyond me because you don't really crawl yet and you just started sitting up on your own. But, that's beside the point. I walked in to find you chewing on the side of the crib and you greeted me with an overwhelmingly happy "HIYA".
You have mastered 3 words which you use at random, HIYA is the most common and the most likely for you to use correctly.
You are in love with your voice and try to use it to your best advantage. You yell at people to get their attention, flirt when you want another Gerber puff and pout when you do not get your way.
You are VERY mobile, although you haven't mastered crawling you use a combination of scooting and rolling to get from what you have to what you're not supposed to have. Thanks to Nana letting you play with a cell phone once you are in love with anything that "might" be a cell phone. You love the calculator, my phone and the remote control all equally but you hold a special place in your heart for the camera and sometimes it's a miracle that we even get pictures without your hand over the lense.
You are a water baby, you love baths and playing in your tub filled with water on a hot day. You are girly, letting me trim your nails, and brush your hair or teeth without a whimper. I painted your toes last month, you really loved that and sat through the whole thing. But your favorite part of any day involves changing your clothing. You giggle and try to help by sticking your arms and legs in and out randomly when you think it might be useful.
Your an open little bug, you'll eat anything but Gerber peas. I do mean anything... although you don't eat much you do make up for it though by eating often. I love the faces you make and I'm especially fond of watching you eat finger foods now that I am home during the day.
You are a bed hog, you spread out at night touching me with one hand and daddy with the other and you sleep through just about anything between 8 pm and 6 am but as soon as you think it's morning you are up and running. You know your little schedule and you keep to it pretty well. I especially like how you will still throw a fit when you are dirty because I think it gives me high hopes for potty training you early.
This month you got fun to play with. You are a little girly version of your daddy... always trying to figure out how to take the toy apart instead of just playing with it. You also love the thrills and adventures just like daddy, always wanting us to toss you, twirl you or flip you upside down. I hope you keep that open mind and joy for life forever. It's my favorite thing about your daddy.
And we love you, all 7 months and 18 pounds of your LaylaBug alone personality, and that will never change
Friday, April 25, 2008
But this year...
Oh this year it happened...
I went hippie mommy.
Next thing I know I'm laying in bed at night after a Discovery special on the Ozone thinking about how I'm solely killing my daughters planet by being so damn complacent. The next thing I know I'm reading the back of organic food boxes at the grocery store, wondering what is more natural-glass or plastic baby food bottles, and contemplating where to plant herbs in the yard.
I was never "brown", I was always a little "green" around the edges but now I'm thinking about looking like Elphaba and sprouting custom made clothe grocery bags.
Heaven help me... I'm turning into my mother. Soon I'll have on Birkenstocks and I'll be a regular at the farmers market. Not that there's anything wrong with that (love you mom) I just didn't think it would be such a sudden change.
*Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
1. What is your name: ----- Allison Hattie
2. 4 letter word --------------- AMEN
3. Vehicle: --------------------- Audi
5. Boys name: ----------------Austin
6. Girl Name: ------------------Amelia
7. Alcoholic drink: -----------Amaretto & Coffee
8. Occupation:---------------- Alcoholics Anonymous Advisor (hee hee three points)
9. Something you wear: --------------Applesauce (hey I've got a 6 month old)
10. Celebrity: ----------------------------- Amanda Goodman
11. Food: ----------------------------------- Asparagus
12. Something found in a bathroom------- Antibiotic
13. Reason for Being Late: --------Alarm didn't go off
14. Cartoon Character: ----------------Annie Warbucks
15. Something You Shout: -----------Aahaa!
16. Animal: --------------------------------Alligator
17. Body part:-----------------------------Armpit
18. Word to describe you: -----------Available (as in to start work immediately)
Monday, April 21, 2008
I have 5 weeks of paid family leave left and according to the woman at PFL most people take that before their unemployment so I'm all signed up for that already. After that's gone (if I don't have another job) I'll be signing up for the UI that I've been paying into my whole life.
As for today, the hubby and I are both off so we're going to enjoy some TV time and baby time and get some laundry done. Tomorrow there is a job fair that I plan on going to. I don't have a plan but I do have hope, and that's all a girl really needs.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
It's almost alright. Taking 4 months off to have a baby and having medical bills (which we aren't even paying really yet), a personal loan and a lot of past due bills has finally gotten itself down to 2 things that aren't quite paid off, a personal loan we've made two payments on and no more red ink in the check book. Not that it's all caught up mind you, but it's not all spinning out into chaos.
There will be a full pantry, an overstock of diapers, and if we are really lucky... perhaps a BBQ night with friends. A couple more checks like this and I do believe we could breath easy, which of course I won't be counting on given the current state of my job.
The thing is, I'm having a heavy heart still. I think I need a little prayer. Money's tight, I don't feel pretty and my kid likes daddy better. Grumble grumble grumble... I should know better than to grumble. So a little prayer please... to get me through the balancing act.
Oh and while you're at it.
A little prayer for my sister-in-law and brother-in-law as they pull an all-nighter driving across 3 states to sign up for college courses (GO GARRATT!! GOOD FOR YOU!!)
And some for all the kids in the middle of the drama of life, and the husbands who always get too little too late, the family looking for work, and the family working to keep the roof up.
Some for my friends online, Cheryl (who had surgery), Annie (who's having a baby soon), Christine (who just had a really cute baby)
And some for my friends here in the real world who are going new places... C (who's about to move in), J & A (who are about to get married), K & J who are about to move out, Shu (who has a lot on her plate), E (who can't find the right job), L (who wants to come home), G (who still believes in Emo Love)
A prayer for those I don't see enough, and for those I see all the time who drive me crazy
A prayer for those who I think about but never call
And a prayer for the people we never think about it
And for good measure throw in a little something nice for yourself... Patience or Kindness or Hope... Something you can bank on on a Thursday night just after tax season.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Unfortunately, I'm not 7 so I haven't fallen for the "it's really for the best" and the "it hurts me more than it hurts you" mentality they tried to take with me. I spent 3 months fixing it, making them work as one unit without bickering, making the numbers go up and the mistakes go down.
Ironically based on the way they did it they will think it works because it will take at least 3-4 weeks for the numbers I increased to gradually pitter to a pat. Hopefully by then I have another job because I refuse to fix the same thing twice. I'm not an insane, I will not do the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
So yesterday I cried and cursed and cared. And today? Today I cashed out... today it's just a job and I go there for exactly my hours every day and then I come home to my kid. It's amazing how someone can kill someone else's passion so easily, like squashing a bug. But I should have expected it. Never trust someone who has a fake smile and talks like a cross between Julia Child and a Disney character.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I have a girlfriend I just reconnected with. I spent the last month listening to her battle out her inner demons and exorcise some awful baggage. And then she was done and I prepared myself for the postpardum of our friendship. Then the phone rang on my bad day and for the first time in a long time I really felt like I had a girlfriend to listen (much to the relief of my mr fix it husband).
I know it was partially me in all those situations that made it harder or altogether ended a good time with a good girlfriend. I could have called more or writen more emails. I could have made plans or walked the extra mile. I could have begged for Christian forgiveness when it wasn't offered open handed. I could have... but I didn't.
I think I wanted to know my friendship has a value. I wanted to know that just being there was enough to build some sort of bond. I wanted to be worthy of someone forgiving me just because they could or calling me just because they missed my imperfection.
It's odd how the person who I thought wouldn't listen, has been listening so well and how much just having someone with estrogen to listen has changed me.
I could call. And I want to call. Because I know this time I'm not being judged, I'm not being stereotyped, I'm not an inconvenience or a bother. This time we're just both there to listen.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I am constantly feeling, something I avoided for many years and it leaves me most days at an anxiety level which boils over on to my husband and into a pile on the bed much to early in the evening. I am balancing the numbers that never balance, planning plans that would take divine intervention to acknowledge and thinking outside a box that has more than enough room for me to grow inside it.
I am finally there. I am in the moment. I am no longer a day away or an hour too late. I express it as it happens. I move things and I am moved. I shake them and sometimes I am shaken. I sit in the stillness and I am in awe.
I am alive. I am at that point where happy is hopeful, sad is survivable and love is overwhelming. I am consumed by a desire to change my situation in little ways... 9 to 5 ways... and yet so overwhelmingly content to be able to watch nothing next to someone willing to suffer through it for my enjoyment. I watch the nothing become something of meaning.
I am addicted. I am craving it, touching it, smelling it next to me and then I close my eyes in the dark and listen to the sound of subconscience symphanies playing from that which holds my soul next to me and I worry that it could not be enough, that it could vanish and then I pray.
I am empty of the desire and full of the guilt one moment and the next I am full of the desire and empty of the guilt and all it took was one look, one word, one more person to show me that I am abnormally normal...even now. I am repulsed and yet I am curious.
I am atoned. I hear the voice in the back of my head. It is love in compounding expanding wholeness I can not even begin to understand and it says I am safe and my love is safe. I snuggle in, closing my eyes again and listen to the air I breath taking in air around me. It is warm and it is near me always.
I am defined by them. I am part of them now. Slowly my identity has morphed into a part of a puzzle with constant changing pieces. I am not a product of how I see myself. I am not a product of how they see me. I am a product of being changed by knowing them and them being changed by knowing me.
I am not for the better or for the worse. I have a value given to me just by my existence. I am necessary and I am strong in ways I do not understand most of the times. I am calm when I need to be and hot when I can be. I am too much, too little and always just enough.
And suddenly I just get it.
I am a child, a mother, a wife, a friend, an enemy, a job, a work in progress. I have no definition, I am described by all things in contradiction. I have a name and it is taken.
understood in a certain way; made sense of; "a word taken literally"; "a smile taken as consent"; "an open door interpreted as an invitation"
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
The thing is that Zoolander wasn't someone's mommy and this really sucks. So that's my whole rant. I can't even think of a nice and poetic way to right about it. I just wanted to whine.