Monday, December 31, 2007
This year I made 5 resolutions (which probably sounds like a lot but I figure I've got a 20% success rate on these things so maybe if I am lucky I'll do one for a whole year). I don't believe in resolving for things like losing weight or quitting something I currently do because if you need a new year to force you to start doing something like that... you're going to quit before too long. So this is my list... a very adult list...
1. Find a job I like that let's me still have quality time with my husband and daughter.
2. Take an active roll of being more affectionite when I feel lovey dovey. (Seriously I'm just lazy and I always have been)
3. Try to pay of debt efficiently by having more things here at the house and less things at restraunts... that means parties but also just dinner.
4. Take a trip...even something small... every single month. I used to take a lot more day trips or weekend trips and even with money tight you can still get out for a day... so that's the plan.
5. Spend more time with other adults. I've only been a mom for 3 months and I feel that pull already to hang out with my friends occassionally or just be wild and crazy.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I think most mom's feel that way. It doesn't matter if you're staying home or going to work. I also think that if you are staying home you secretly sometimes day dream about going back to work and if you're at work it's natural to zone out thinking about how nice it would be to just be home. It's the same way looking for a job. Each posting I look at I day dream for a second about what it will be like to work there and what it will be like not to be home with the baby all day. It's my little fantasy world where I get a shower before my husband comes home from work and where my ass looks great in my slacks and high heels. Then someone in the next room needs me and I move on.
I feel like I've been just rolling with the punches lately and last night I had a nice long talk with the hubby. Like most female driven talks it was mostly me crying about things he can't fix and him wishing he could fix things beyond his control. Then I got up this morning and I started moving on. That's what us mom's do. For a second I stopped juggling and now... I've picked a few things worth keeping my hands full and I'll be working with those.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
You see all I really wanted this year was a structure to my celebration so I wouldn't feel like I was rushing from place to place and thing to thing but wouldn't you know it from Thanksgiving right through last night it was just one stumble after another. Families changed plans multiple times and numbered RSVPs changed up and down as fast as a yo-yo on a string. My OCD like desire to just know where I was going and why I was going there left me praying in the bathroom more than once during this "celebration" of God and Family season.
I can't handle some things that are new to my life. As always blending two families together caused a lot of stress all the way around. Combined with a financial strain, a daughter who went through a short phase of not liking anyone but me and an overwhelming love of order. Well, I was doomed to learn by trial and error that you can't get what you want but you will get a lesson or two on things you need during the holiday season.
So this year I say it again just like last year and the year before. Next year will be different, next year I will focus more on the reason for Christmas and less on the marketing, flash, obligation and emotional tension. Of course, I'll forget by next year and by Nov first I'll be itching for Christmas tree lane, Christmas carols and bright colored boxes. But for now, I'm tired... I'm disappointed and frankly I'm a little pissed off.
But, I know it's just me and I'll be over it soon. Soon I'll be looking through the pictures of our night at Christmas tree lane with the family or Layla's first Christmas tree parade and remember how she slept through the semi's covered with flashing lights honking and driving by. Soon I'll smile at the thought of the dinner with Grandpa M and her little pile of presents and the gift she already loves so much. Soon I'll think of Christmas eve and instead of seeing the plans that changed 5 times I'll see the people who loved each other so much to adapt their schedule over and over. Soon I'll see Christmas day with that table set for 20 people and think of how wonderful it was to break bread with my loved ones even if they were all late.
I know it's in there somewhere. Somewhere behind my day after Scrooge emotions which are tired and frustrated there lies a Cindy Lu Who who's singing "Where are you Christmas" and waiting for that It's a Wonderful Life moment when the bells are ringing and in my heart I know that love was more important.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
You see I'm waiting to hear about the dream job. I made the final cut and I should know by Friday. I REALLY need this job. On a scale of one to ten the urgency is about an eight. I'm scared. I keep telling people...please pray... and they say "of course I will".
I mean not to be greedy but when I say I'll pray about something for you I pray about it every day until you tell me prayer about it is no longer needed...or I see the result... good or bad. I make a commitment. So here I am waiting and wondering... is my prayer enough? Is anyone out there praying with me? What exactly are they praying for?
I find myself wondering. Should I have been more specific. Should I be praying more than the several times a day I am now. Does it even matter if I am praying about it? And I wait.
The whole time I was pregnant, every single visit, my Dr would make comments about how he couldn't believe how healthy I was for an "obese" person. My cholesteral never got high, I never got diabetes, I never got high blood pressure (until after my kid went into the NICU). I didn't eat too much, all my levels were good till I got cholestasis and even then I was the "healthiest person with cholestasis" the mid-wife had ever seen.
I'm pissed that a grown man with a medical degree can't see that it's possible to be physically fit, eat well and still be fat. Because you know what, I do eat well.
I'm also a little ticked at an unmentioned member of my family who when I recently mentioned how much weight I lost started talking to me like she was my grandmother about how out of shape I used to be. Are you serious? I know I could out hike her. I'm not strong but I have more endurance than the average person. I could walk for hours without an issue.
I think people forget... I think they forget that just because you jog every day with your double stroller and I don't doesn't mean I'm not up and moving sometimes. I gained a whooping 10 pounds being pregnant and by two weeks after I was pregnant I had lost 55. I put back on 7 lbs but I'm still way under where I started.
Would I like to lose more? I don't know. I kind of like the shape of my boobs and the size of my hips and all though my stomach flab isn't attractive it isn't unattractive appearantly because my husbands a frisky guy most of the time. And even if I did...why is it your business?
What I would like to do is give my daughter good examples of healthy eating. She will not be forced like I was to clean her plate... not even at grandma's house. I don't care how good you think the corn is for a child teaching them to eat when they are full teaches them to clean their plate in societies super size me serving delusion.
Am I part of this fat girl appreciation movement that's sweeping the planet? No. But I'm not part of the group of people sitting on the couch watching biggest loser while I eat my ice cream either. I just don't care. I think that if your happy then you should go right on being happy and if you're not you should do something about it.
I've got other things I'm more worried about.... don't you?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
When you arrive at our house which is at the end of a cul de sac of decorated houses it looks very pure. Everyone else has blow up Santa's and glittering presents in their yards but we're not the inflated snow globe type. So each year we put out our simple white lights and this year Jon bought me two deer made of white lights for the yard. They actually move which is really cool.
Normally on the door I buy a wreath but this year with the new baby and a tight budget we decided to put up this welcoming Santa sign which we already own. I think he's a nice little spot of color for the walk in.
This christmas ball candle holders were a gift from my Aunt Penny before she died. Normally they only come out on Christmas day for the center of the table but this year I needed something for this counter so here they are.
In the dining area (really this is all one big great room dining area, living room and kitchen) I hang our christmas cards around this strategically placed stocking that covers a phone jack which I think is both unsightly and in a bad spot.
In the living room by the TV I have placed a motion activated dancing Santa I inherited from my Grandma Gerty. The kids are scared of him so for now he's not plugged in but he guards the advent calendar full of Lindor Chocolate truffels and looks good with the pine cone garland under the TV.
Next to the TV there is a DVD stand which I top with the snow village I made with my Aunt when I was little. Placed amongst the houses we painted ourselves are some that I picked up a few years back to make it look like a real town. The ones we did are the ones with lights.
That brings us to the best part of the room in my opinion. My nativity scene. It's by willow tree. It sits on top of the piano with some back lights.
This is the baby Jesus with Mary and Joseph.
This is the wise men...technically they weren't there yet but we'll let it slide being as they match so well.
These are my shepards, complete with flock...oh and a camel...because shepards like camels I guess.
They sit next to the fireplace which holds my burgundy stocking, Jon's green stocking & Layla's gold stocking along with some great candles with pine cones under them and yup you guessed it...more pine cone garland.
I just love this garland when you put lights in it.
This is our tree. It's already dry but we love it. It's still beautiful with all my candy cane themed wrapping paper covered boxes under it. Plus it was made with love...and that's what really counts.
In February we made a small road trip to the coast with our friends J & G. We went to Monterey really but the power was out so we ended up going to Capitola for dinner which was great fun. It was definitely better than Valentine's day which we spent on the phone with our first horrible OBGYN trying to figure out how to save a pregnancy he had deemed as doomed. Talk about killing the mood.
In March for my birthday we went to So Cal. We took a 4 day trip to Disneyland with J & G and got to see our Cousin Sarah and her dad Bill. It was a great trip even though I spent part of the time on complete bed rest forced not to ride rides and to be pushed around in a wheelchair by my husband. It was worth it though for the disneyland hotel, my one ride on Pirates of the Carribean and watching grown men skip down Main St.
April was a slow month we used to catch up financially from all our traveling. J was living with us by then so we started making improvements around the house and upgrading things when we had the time and the money. We had a small family BBQ on Easter and mostly Jon's family came. We had a couple board game nights at the house with friends.
In May our nephew turned one and they used our backyard for a BBQ which was super fun. Also by May we had had a couple good ultrasounds and we knew the baby was probably going to make it. So in May we started planning for baby rooms and baby furniture and things along those lines.
By June things were getting hot and tired. I was very pregnant and very sick and sadly most of the month of June I laid around feeling miserable. My husband on the other hand was booked solid being in his friends K & J wedding. Which I hear was beautiful and I've seen elegant pictures but I opted out because Fresno in June is very very hot.
In July we went to a BBQ at our friend C house and then spent part of the month swimming there whenever she made the offer. We also went out to eat a lot in July because by then I was too hot and too tired to actually cook anything. The airconditioning didn't work right and nothing ever tasted good.
August picked up the pace again. J moved out so we could make a baby room but we decided after a near break in at our home in the ghetto to upgrade neighborhoods. We moved to a better house in a better school district and then we had a party for Jon's birthday and lots of friends and family came. Our neice F was born in August as well.
September found us emerged in two baby showers, one I was hosting and one that was for me...back to back. (Really it sounded like a good idea at the time). In Sept our nephew C was born and of course our lovely daughter Layla was born at the end of Sept after a little bit of bed rest, some nasty labor and a C-Section.
October first we came home from the hospital and the month soon became busy with our neice N's first birthday party. Halloween was fun, we dressed Layla up as a pumpkin which made her very unhappy and gave candy to the cute neighborhood kids. During the middle of Oct I lost my job but thanks to SDI for pregnancy got some paid time to stay home with my daughter without worrying about it.
November started slow and picked up pace rather quickly. We ended up doing Thanksgiving in two ways which was a little odd. After Layla and I watched the parade we went to my Uncle K's house to see my side of the family then we met Jon when he got off work at his mother's where Layla got her first taste of Mashed Potatoes and Pumpkin pie. On Black Friday I did lots of shopping with family which was a fun new twist.
Now it's December, the tree is up and the traditions are flowing freely. We had our back in the day party and we went to the Christmas tree lighting and Christmas tree parade down town. We'll be spending Christmas eve with Jon's family and Christmas day here at the house with lots of people. The shopping is done and the presents are wrapped. But the best gift we could have asked for is sleeping next to this desk in a swing.
I can't wait for next year.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
This week has been down right crazy. I had the flu, then the baby had the flu, then I had an interview for a dream job and then the baby got a rash all over her body and had to go to urgent care...only to find out it's nothing. The hubby and I did sneak in a few hour road trip to the Crab Shack in Sacramento and a walk around Old Town to fill in some of the humm drumm of a vacation we ended up not going on.
This weekend we were looking forward to Christmas tree lane and returning to church but it looks more likely that we will spend Sunday at home watching WWE on pay per view and eating tacos.
I have a second interview (final interview) for the dream job. They are down to me and one other candidate. I really want this job so I've been praying very hard about it. If I don't get it I'll be back on the hunt by the middle of next week and putting out more applications.
I've been blessed in that everything here seems to be under God's graceful umbrella still. I got an extension on my disability checks which was a huge blessing with Christmas time being here and me not having a job. I've had a few interviews and good response. I actually turned down one job offer because it was a bad fit for a new mommy. But I'm optomistic that in the New Year I'll be able to pay my debts and balance out the chaos some.
Some of you know we gave my cat away a few weeks ago. We thought it was making the baby sick and sure enough my kid is allergic to cat dander. We get a runny knows when cat people come over or we go to Grammi's house but now that there is no cat at home there is no snot issues and no random itchy skin patches. That was also a blessing.
This week I'm planning out Christmas dinner and putting the finishing touches on a few hand made gifts. I can't wait for Christmas to come and to spend it with my daughter and husband. I also can't wait for a few other things to come that haven't happened yet this month.... yea we're still waiting on that.
So I think that's about it. Please pray about my interview and job quest if you have time. Also pray for Layla's lovely rash to go away and then have a few christmas cookies and write your letter to Santa.
Friday, December 14, 2007
I'm a week late. Lord help us all. It's probably just stress...but then again I learned in highschool from my bestest friend it only takes on sport to make it to the playoffs.
At least it's still funny to me... I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Except- now Layla has the same flu. There has been curdled baby vomit on my clothes most of the day and she insists on one of us holding her. I know she has what I had because she rolls around whining and crying and then once she throws up or goes potty she's happy as a lark playing on her play mat again.
I figure I've got about 3-4 more hours of this yuckiness before it passes for her too. Only I've got a job interview tomorrow so I guess she'll just have to stay home with Daddy while I go off to try and get a job. Poor daddy.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Every year something happens that we weren't expecting. This year was no exception. Someone brought up twister and then for an hour or two grown adults played the game...sweating...knee shaking... laughing and making jokes. It was priceless.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
This week I have 3 interviews. Two of which I already had. Next week I have two more and I have three more resumes to get out this week. I haven't heard from the job I really wanted which I interviewed for on Wednesday but that's ok.
So far God has been providing for us in ways we didn't see coming. And we are ever so appreciative that although it's tight we're not screwed yet by my not having a job. In fact we're even going to be blessed with a normal Christmas.
So we keep charging on. I keep sending out resumes and applications and Jon keeps going to work every day and coming home to listen to me worry about money while we watch Law and Order.
This weekend we'll be lucky enough to be too busy to worry. It's a weekend of friends and family and I can't wait. And next week we might go on a road trip to visit a cousin between interviews.
With our cat being sent off to live with someone else my daughters issues with dry skin rashes and snotty noses have completely gone away. It's making her much more fun for daddy who was a little frustrated with all the "i need mommy" ness of a baby with snot.
All in all it's been a blessed month. I can't believe I'm saying that but so far it has. I'm also reading a great bible study book which I'll be writing all about when I finish. My cup flows over...so much so I am behind on my blogging. I'll try to be better about that. No really... I will.
Monday, December 03, 2007
The truth is that I decorated most of the house already...in fact I did most of it the day before thanksgiving because now that I have a baby I didn't want to wait till the last minute only to find that my hands were full of fussy infant and I couldn't get it done. This weekend is the small downtown Christmas Parade which is held in the evening and everyone is decorated with lights. We're going to go to a little Bistro on Main Street, have a nice meal and a glass of wine and sit outside where it might get as gold as 45 degrees (so we'll bundle up) and let the kids watch the parade lights pass.
This weekend is also my annual "back in the day" party where people come over in their flannel pjs and bring cookies and we watch the old Christmas classics like Rudolph and Alvin and the Chipmunks and we eat food we liked when we were 7 like hot dogs and chili boats. We'll through in some competition rounds of candy land and chutes and ladders and for a whole day adults act like little kids. I wanted to be decorated for that.
So this morning I walked through my pine scented living room, passed the white light piles of pine cones and the nativity on top of the piano. I walked passed the tree that was bigger than we thought and the presents all decorated in red and white and I sat in my chair. 7:30 am...the babies awake time and we sit in the middle of Winter Wonderland and listen to the Christmas music channel while I drink a pepsi and she has a bottle. She stares at the light and I know in my heart that by this time next year 5 minutes at the tree lot and throwing up the decorations will be a lot more hands on.
Next year she'll start being active in our little California Christmas. Next year she'll walk Christmas Tree Lane and see all the lights and really sing the songs. Next year she'll ooh and awww at the parade and next year she'll pull the ornaments off the tree when we aren't looking or sit on the wrapped boxes when she plays. Next year Santa will have his hands full when we take pictures at the mall.
I can't wait for a sunny California Christmas through the eyes of a toddler.