I really thought I would post more this Christmas season being as there would be so many things in the babies first Christmas I thought I would want to remember...but I didn't post. I was looking for a job and looking for a deal or looking for a recipe and looking for my lost serving platter. I was looking for something everyday...sometimes more than one something at a time and my requests for a simple first christmas to remember flashed by and found me looking back at a bunch of things I wish I could have done differently. I suppose that's why God makes sure that you and the posed pictures are the only things that will remember that first Christmas with your child. So you can learn from your mistakes and you won't spend the next 50 years living down the teasing of your first born.
You see all I really wanted this year was a structure to my celebration so I wouldn't feel like I was rushing from place to place and thing to thing but wouldn't you know it from Thanksgiving right through last night it was just one stumble after another. Families changed plans multiple times and numbered RSVPs changed up and down as fast as a yo-yo on a string. My OCD like desire to just know where I was going and why I was going there left me praying in the bathroom more than once during this "celebration" of God and Family season.
I can't handle some things that are new to my life. As always blending two families together caused a lot of stress all the way around. Combined with a financial strain, a daughter who went through a short phase of not liking anyone but me and an overwhelming love of order. Well, I was doomed to learn by trial and error that you can't get what you want but you will get a lesson or two on things you need during the holiday season.
So this year I say it again just like last year and the year before. Next year will be different, next year I will focus more on the reason for Christmas and less on the marketing, flash, obligation and emotional tension. Of course, I'll forget by next year and by Nov first I'll be itching for Christmas tree lane, Christmas carols and bright colored boxes. But for now, I'm tired... I'm disappointed and frankly I'm a little pissed off.
But, I know it's just me and I'll be over it soon. Soon I'll be looking through the pictures of our night at Christmas tree lane with the family or Layla's first Christmas tree parade and remember how she slept through the semi's covered with flashing lights honking and driving by. Soon I'll smile at the thought of the dinner with Grandpa M and her little pile of presents and the gift she already loves so much. Soon I'll think of Christmas eve and instead of seeing the plans that changed 5 times I'll see the people who loved each other so much to adapt their schedule over and over. Soon I'll see Christmas day with that table set for 20 people and think of how wonderful it was to break bread with my loved ones even if they were all late.
I know it's in there somewhere. Somewhere behind my day after Scrooge emotions which are tired and frustrated there lies a Cindy Lu Who who's singing "Where are you Christmas" and waiting for that It's a Wonderful Life moment when the bells are ringing and in my heart I know that love was more important.
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3 comments:
Thank you so much for inviting us to spend Christmas with you guys. We had a great time, and hopefully soon Chad will quit being so shy and talk to the boys. He wants friends so badly but he really is just a super shy guy. I wish I knew what to do for him!!!!
I try to remember the good things. Like I'm going to try not to remember that this was the year that my brother's wife wasn't talking to my mother and decided to skip the festivities for the first time. (something I can't blog about). I'm also going to try not to remember my overwhelming sense of sadness and futility. Bah-humbug. Instead I'll remember Ben's cuteness and my mother's pleasure at being served breakfast in the living room while holding a sleeping Anna.
My memories of Anna's first Christmas are very few indeed lol. I remember her sitting on the couch with my in-laws pthhhhh you know the thing with the tongue. The very best one of all though is the very first belly laugh Anna ever had was watching White Christmas during the train scene. Singing the snow song they make the train sound and I attempted it even though I am terrible at making sounds. She thought that was hysterical and gave out this adorable long and loud belly laugh. The rest is a big old blur. Even last year was a fairly a blur I was sick so the festivities went on around me and I did the best I could. This year it was so much better! This year I can truly say I was thrilled with the way it went and will have wonderful memories to cherish!
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