Yummy Things

Wednesday night it officially happened... I reached the end of the internet. Ok so maybe that's an exageration... I reached the end of the "free" space for my blogger accounts. I think I cried. I know I swore. Luckily, my mom had been asking about birthday gift ideas earlier in the week so I emailed her and said..."hey how about blog space" and she said "ok". Yipee!! Of course, the alternative would be no more Bug & Bean pictures on the internet so she was pretty much trapped.

But, she paid for it yesterday and today we have LOTS and LOTS of picture space again. So without further ado I put up more pictures on Bug and Bean and we'll have some wonderful pics up today of Layla's first licked ice cream cone and of her running around at Nannie and PopPop's house...which is what we're doing today.

Not being able to drive you sort of get stuck at home a lot. By sort of, I mean that I leave the house for 10 to 20 minutes at a time if someone else feels like Driving Miss Daisy would be fun. So today is a nice playdate for the little person (layla) and the old person (pop-pop).

Mom is in the kitchen right now frying chicken and making artichokes. Yummy! I might gain some weight this pregnancy after all... and it only took me 8 and a half months to get started!

Dude Blogger...

Blogger is not my friend. The auto poster ate 3 posts this week and I just now noticed so the following posts will be posted next week when I have a second to catch my breath...

Mel's belated birthday post

Pictures from Nevaeh's birthday

My birthday letter to layla (luckily I saved a copy of this one)

Layla's birthday party pictures (by the way send pictures if you took any good ones)

And a post about girlfriends.

Q & A

Suddenly I'm like Anne Landers over here. I'm getting private comments, I'm getting emails, I even got a few text messages and calls. People want to know a few things...so here are the 10 ten answers that I have given this week.

1. Yes, I am aware that Lynn is no longer in my blog links. I still follow her blog, but I did pull the link down so that other people, who might be feeling like they have an opinion to voice over our friendship turmoil wouldn't have the ability to hop on over and put their nose where it doesn't belong so I pulled it down...for amnesties sake.

2. Yes, there are regularly posted pictures on Layla's site for family and friends, including several videos this week...but I don't do posts on FatGirlEats as often as I only post recipes when I feel like it, which is why it doesn't belong to any groups or have a following other than friends and family. But, there is a chicken thigh recipe up there now that is excellent if you're interested.

3. No, I will not be posting any more about the baby I lost and how I am dealing with that. If you want to know come over and ask or call or something but I hate it when people use the internet to keep posted from a safe distance.

4. Yes, we will be trying again soon. For updates on random daily thoughts and whatnot you can follow me on twitter where I will probably post about when we start trying in 180 words or less.

5. Work is going well. I don't know if it's a job I'd like to work forever but the benefits are good, I'm pretty good at it, and it's close to home which almost makes up for the crummy pay...so I'll be there for awhile.

6. Nope, I don't plan on posting a birthday post for my mother in law. I don't do them for everyone. I just do them when I want to...again...it's my blog...which she tells my husband she doesn't read...so that would be what we call a waste of time.

7. No, I am not going to go private at the moment on this blog. I thought about it. Then I decided I liked being a mommy blogger. So I am going to do what I like and like what I do.

8. Yes, I do watch too much Mary Poppins, thanks for noticing.

9. I can't plan out my day lately much less my week or month, so I really will be getting back to the people who put in requests for meeting of dinner/lunch/playdates as soon as I can.

10. Yes, I really did get asked all these questions.

My 10 Blog "commandments"

I have been tagged for at least 3 blog things that I haven't done. So here is the first one...to tide you over until I get to writing the other three.

For this one you are supposed to write 10 blog commandments for your blog. The definition of a commandment for this tag is not biblical but just 10 things that you live by...non spiritual...everyday stupid life things. Like... I believe scented detergent is for morons...those type of things (I have no opinion on scented detergent, this is just the tag I picked). Also, as these are just opinions for YOUR blog these rules don't apply to anyone else's blog so reader's don't be offended and posters don't hold back.

Then you tag some ONE person to do it. I tag Courtney because she tends to do things when she is tagged...eventually. (just kidding Courtney...your great)

1. It is not ok to blog things you didn't write just because you find them clever. This includes "email forwards" and "cute stories you read somewhere" to your blog and pass them off as today's entry.

2. It is not ok to pass other people's blogs or pictures off as your own.

3. Link love is good. Link-a-holics anonymous should be sought if you are one of those people who puts a link in every other sentence. I don't want to have to click through the entire internet to read a blog...so you shouldn't have to either.

4. When blogging from your phone, predictive text must be checked over and over and over. (I'm horrible about that, since I got my new phone I post a lot more blogs with wrong words and typos)

5. It is ok to have a spiritual journey or an enlightened experience post. But posting every day about God gets old to read, even God took a day to rest.

6. When posting about your child do not post things they might find on the internet when you are 90 and put you in a rest home because of.

7. If you are looking for someone to blame, you probably shouldn't have a blog. Likewise, if you have found someone to blame you probably shouldn't post it on the internet until you talk to them at least once.

8. Post regularly. People don't want to check every day to see if you made your once a month post.

9. Not everything is a big thing. Some of the best posts I've written/read are about nothing. In fact the best post I ever read was a letter to someone's car from them written as if the car (which was a lemon) was a person who had had an affair. I bet that girl just had a bad and boring day that day.

10. Everyone has a soap box. Baby-wearers. Co-habitational sleepers. Breast-milkers. Anti-kidders. Every single person has things that they are for or against. Be brave enough to post who you are and write about what you believe.

Clean Up

As most of you have already noticed a few things have changed here at Curvatude. I did away with the dark background as I am feeling light and airy this month. Also, if you ever click on my profile to see what blogs I follow you'll notice that the list trimmed in half because really... I wasn't following half of those poor people anymore. So I clicked them into oblivion again until further notice. Also, the links to my other two blogs in the side bar are no longer pictures because they didn't match the new background. And my "about this blog" blurb has changed.

Enjoy!

Ocean Pictures for your Jealous Enjoyment

The Official About Me Post

I've had this blog for over two years. Before this blog I had another blog for almost five years. I've never had an about me post. I don't know why I didn't/haven't made one. I think I'm lazy or maybe I just figure if you're here reading every single day like a good blog fan should be then you already know all about me...after all my blog is a pretty good long drawn out story of my life, is it not?


But, I've had a few requests as of late for a link to the "about me" post on my blog and it seems everyone who is anyone in blogging has one. So I think it's about time I wrote one, after all, it has been almost a decade of blogging... you might not be able to figure me out yet.
Hi... my name is Allie and I'm addicted to going ... in the middle of my run on sentences. I'm almost 30 (more 30 than almost). I've been to college, but I am not done yet (another almost). I'm a curvy girl who likes to approach life with a lot of laughter. I call that attitude "curvatude" and that's what I named my blog. I also like to eat and cook that is the reason I started a whole additional blog called Fat Girl Eats to house my recipe collection. I converted to Christianity a few years back, before that I was Celtic Pagan...which is a fun story in itself.

I've had a few interesting jobs. I've been a hostess, a bartender (for two days), a nanny (in highschool), a sword dealer at renaissance faires, an office manager, a marketing person, a recruiter, an HR person, a sales person, a medical office biller, a writer, and once I was even paid to sit at home and watch TV while clicking a button (because everyone totally wants to know what I watch on TV). I've worked at a college in financial aid and admissions, on a ranch doing odd jobs, and when I was younger I got an allowance for doing my chores. I ran my own catering company for awhile. As of more recent years...


I'm married to my wonderful hubby who I once talked to all night standing in the rain. He sells coffee, plays drums on the couch with his fingers and flips the channels for no reason during commercials. We have a daughter. Due to a case of failing economy and a side of resume overqualified... I'm a stay at home Mommy right now.

My daughters name is Layla Grace but we call her Layla Bug and she has her own picture website which I also manage (some family lives far away). She just turned one. She walks, talks and does all the normal one year old things. In addition to that she does some great things that other 1 year olds don't do (like make elephant noises and rock star faces). I'm her biggest fan.


I used to travel alot. I was a road tripper, a day dream believer and I hated the homecoming queen. I've been all over and I have pictures to prove it. Pictures with people who I loved who I don't get to talk to much anymore now that we're all adults with big grown up lives. I was the girl who could mix a good drink, cursed like a sailor, told fun stories and knew all the good dirty jokes. I made dinner, dealt at the poker nights and danced in inappropriate shoes. That girl, with long hair, trendy jewelry and great fitting jeans is still a part of me.

So now I'm at home, eating, having curvatude and playing with the LaylaBug while the hubby flips the channels. In the old days... I had good friends and we ate expensive food in our name brand shoes while talking about books and art and quality music. Now, I have better friends, we talk on the phone about our kids in our bare feet while talking about things that scare us on the news and the art our kids drew on the wall in the livingroom with Jack's Big Music Show singing in the background.


This is my life... every boring, normal, stressful moment of it. I promise to try to tell a good story about it though. Let's laugh about it together ok?

Third grade

Hot sun on my face I look up towards the sky squinting as the heat of the noon day seems to steam my clothing. All around me swirls of children run in every direction and I can hear them laughing and talking as they chase each other around in a carefree blur on the greenest grass I've ever stood on. My shoes are too tight, my hair too messy and I am instantly not one of them so I stand alone in the sun trying to decide what I should do next. Part of me wants to pull a book out of my bag, sit in the shade and transport myself off to far away place where they don't matter. I've seen what happens to the book worms during recess though so instead I wander to the only empty swing. It is empty, I quickly discover because it has been in the hot sun all day and it burns the back of my legs through my jeans but I sit on it anyhow. I pump my legs with rhythm and determination until the swing begins to soar and the breeze in my hair dances across my sweaty face and cools me. I am above them all looking down and I am free.

In the wind I can hear the song that was playing on the radio that morning. I'm not sure if I hear it in my head or perhaps it is gently gliding in from one of the houses near by but I humm it inside my head as I continue to methodically pump my legs in and out. As the lyrics of the song pick up my empty little soul, I begin to play with fate, my arms stretched out to both sides I swing now without hands. Then quickly grabbing back onto the swing chains with my hands and feeling their rusty hot metal indent my skin I lean back with all my body weight and soar almost upside down feet pointed towards the sky.

Somewhere in my flight I hear a whistle, faintly first and then louder and I open my eyes which I hadn't even realized where closed. The color of the playground, the brightness of the sun and the sounds of children running back to line up for class flood into my head again. I jump off the swing before it stops swinging and hang for a second in the air before my ankles clud ungracefully to the earth and run after them.

The new girl. Last in line, last in role call, last to be picked until you make friends at the kick ball field. And so I walk behind them in line to whatever we're doing next as a class and I day dream. I am in a tall tower and I am doing magic. The magic that I do makes people think I am invisible. And that's how I stay... invisible... at the back of the class, at the top of the swings, at the end of the lunch table up against the back wall of the cafeteria.

In my tower the breeze whips through my hair dancing off my sweaty face. In my tower the music of the town whafts up to me in the breeze and I can sing along without anyone hearing me. In my tower I am waiting for the spell to wear off and to become visible again so I can join them in a great feast like the books I read from the library talk about. Books that smell of old paper and abandonment which tell me that I will not be forgotten in my tower, someday, someone... will rescue me.

Prompted by God

So I can't think of anything to blog about today so I go to my favorite random prompt generator...and this is what I get...

describe a family member who you used to be close to and no longer are...
has a family member ever lied to you, how did you deal with it...
what bothers you most about YOUR religion...
describe your relationship with your in-laws or step-parents...
explain one thing about your family that other people might mis-understand...
desribe a time a person you looked up to disappointed you...
what topics do you have a hard time blogging about...

"phew" for a second there I thought I was going to have to write something real and deep and personal. I almost gave in and did it.

I have a hard time blogging about my relationship with my family lately. I have a hard time blogging about when I am struggling with something and I can't wrap my head around it. I have a hard time blogging about sex, politics and the weather.

Mostly, I have a hard time picking a topic when I have a head cold, a sick kid, and I'm out of milk so I can't make myself a nice cup of tea with milk and sugar. That's a real pisser to blog around.

I have also for the most part stopped blogging about books I have read or will be reading because know one ever comments on those so I think no one reads them. I moved all the recipe blogs over to fat girl eats and there has been one a day there for the last 2 weeks that no one is reading and I have a hard time posting a sentence like that because I feel like I'm fishing for comments.

I have a hard time blogging about blogging. I have a hard time blogging about nothing and I have a hard time not resorting to a week straight of bullet point blogs and lists about nothing.

Lately, I just have a hard time blogging. It's like back when the entire church read my blog and I had to worry about them judging me only now I'm worried that I'm not allowed to be me and the person I'm "allowed" to be isn't someone I want to blog about.

But, I'm almost over it.

Why I Hate Charter w/ Update

So when I didn't have internet I wrote this...

I called around the 9th of August to make arrangements to move my cable service to our new house. Cable was set to be turned off on the 15th at one house and turned on that same day at the new house (with the cable phone service turned on the following Monday).

Imagine my surprise when on Wednesday I arrived home to find my cable service off. I decided I must have missed a bill or something and called the customer service number only to find that I was not past due but instead someone had made a typo during my phone request so the service had been disconnected at the street. Turning it back on would take a service order in 3-5 days so I just confirmed my appointment at the new place and decided to suck it up with no internet, cable, or telephone.

The 15th rolled around and we had the TV and computer all set up to wait for the Charter rep to arrive. 12-4 was my service window so at 4:30 I called to see where the rep was and was told he had to tried to call me he was running late and would be there in 55 minutes (random time?) I confirmed they had the right address and the right telephone number and resumed my role of waiting for the service rep.

At 5:45 I called again this time I was told the rep had tried to come twice and we weren’t home (we’d been there/3 of us since 11 am) and that I couldn’t get him to come back the same day so I spoke to a supervisor (in not a nice way) and explained to him that for a person to come to my place he would have HAD to drive past it to get back out and not only would we have seen him and stopped him but he couldn’t have missed the number on the house because it’s white on black so he HAD to be lying.

I was then told no more reps were working (after being told they work until 8 pm and not to worry about it the first time I called) and that a new service appointment was being set for me on Tuesday. (Two days after we wanted to watch a pay per view and almost a week after our internet service went off rendering me blogless, emailless and without the ability to job search)
I went a little crazy on the phone and better yet I hatched a plan.

Monday morning 8 am will find me standing outside the cable office locally waiting for the first supervisor I can find.

God have mercy on his soul.

** Update**

Turns out Charter didn't open until 8:30 but I was there when they did. I talked to the girl at the counter about why I wanted to speak to a manager (I could see the two managers watching us on a screen in an office which was funny) and when I was done she got me a manager pretty quickly.

While one manager talked to me (telling the whole story again from the notes I brought with me) the other one went to the dispatch area and I heard yelling start. Apparently it's not ok to lie to a customer. Go figure.

I was assured that between 3-5 pm on Monday not only would my phone service (for which I had an appointment) be set up but also my cable and internet. He got here at 4:45... I was almost ready to fume again. But this time I knew what I was going to do if he didn't show up. You see now I have the local direct number, the managers cell number, a $40 credit and free DVR for a month.

But, more importantly... now we have cable!

I only yelled a little

We have internet! Praise Jesus and pass the popcorn. I'll post the whole story tonight and some Laylabug pics but for now I'm going to go stare blankly at the TV.

Love Ya Bye!

No Internet No Worries

Just so everyone knows, our cable internet service was messed up by the company that takes care of it. Because of a typo and a bad service representative we've not had service for 5 days with another 2 days left before there MIGHT be service.

We are alive. We are moved. I will be posting lots of pre-written blogs soon.

As for now I'm borrowing internet service for 10 minutes to check my job related emails so I have to go.

Sorry and I'll be back soon!

Writing Prompt- Whisper

A small cry in the darkness lingers on the air above my bed and I though I can not see it, it almost feels as if it is against my skin. A second of panic from peaceful slumber as I less than gracefully clamber towards the foot of the bed to see her blindly stumbling around in the dark tangle of sheets, little bears and akward baby limbs. A slow whine picks up volume and urgency as she sees me glancing at her through the crib bars. Ehhh mom-mom bup layla. It is a sentence and because she is only 10 months old and it is nearly 2 am I spend a couple seconds stalled on the fact that she is communicating her needs to me so clearly.

As I reach in to pick her up she finds a little bit of balance and masters her way into a lazy standing position with her head resting on the top bar of the crib. I grasp around in the blankets for the invisible pacifier mumbling in my head a combination of curse words meant for the man who invented the clear pacifier. When my hand hits it my ears perk up to the sound of clinking plastic and I have it.

With one hand the pacifier and the other the baby I swoop everything into my bed and lay her tiny hot head on my pillow. She snuggles down, taking her right hand and placing it down my nightgown until she finds skin and her left hand she draps lazily over her eyes. I pull the cool sheets up around us and say a little prayer into the quietness around us.

Lord, make a circle of white light around me, and in that love protect me, keep me safe, and let me know that I am ok.

A whisper into the darkness takes her stiff little body the rest of the way into comfort and as the last words leave my mouth she falls limp into slumber. A few seconds later she stirs a little and without opening my eyes I hum under my breath...

Baby mine don't you cry...little one dry your eyes...

The song never finishes, barely a verse in we are both back sound asleep.

Writing Prompt- Baggage

They looked off at the grim task before them. Abandoned mounds of rubble in each direction. Where should I even begin? They each wondered to themselves in silence.

It wasn't the sort of thing you could discuss before doing it. It was overwhelming just to be there much less to be the one that had to approach this disaster first. Do I pick up all the big things first so I'm making a bigger impact or do I start with the small things and work my way up? Some of them contemplated.

While some of them stood in silent awe, others paced in nervous anticipation. Some mumbled under their breath, while others still could barely breath. Maybe I'll just pick up the things closest to me and see if I can do something with them? A few of them mustered a clear thought from the haze of the morning ahead.

It was perfectly clear. What had been could be no more. What now? Clean up. But how? One piece at a time...

But what first. How? So many of them were stuck on the how. A few were even still stuck on the why me. Why me God, why do I have to be the one to deal with this now?

No answer came from the piles, no answer fell from the heavens, no one spoke, and if anyone was listening no one could feel it in their heart.

They were numb looking at their baggage piled around them, suddenly a visible reminder of what they had already come through. The little bags laying around the big ones. Some so tiny they looked like they should crush under the weight of all the other things around them. Some so big they knew no one man could carry them alone.

Is this all mine? surely not they imagined, I would remember all this.

Time faded most of their bags until only the tags marked them as their own. I'd almost forgotten. they'd whisper when they saw their own writing to remind them.

I'd almost forgotten and yet I was carrying this with me all along.

Lists

A list of groceries.
A list of bills that need to be paid with the next check.
A list of things to do before we watch my niece on Friday.
A list of things to pack for the wedding road trip to Arnold next week.
A list of things I would need to do if I want my daycare license.
A list of things I would like to do if we move to my MIL's house.
A list of papers I need to send in.
A list of things for the honey to do.
A list of recipes to try.
A list of people I'd invite.
A list of people I need to send thank you letters to still from the wedding and the baby.
A list of gifts that came at the wedding time that I have NO idea who they are from.
A list of important numbers.
A list of items I don't need but I want.
A list of TV shows I'd like to try and find on demand or on the internet.
A list of games I'd still like to own.
A list of reasons.
A list of quotes I'll never use now.
A list of jobs that are currently available on the internet to be applied for.
A list of jobs I've already applied for just in case the EDD asks.
A list of words the baby says on her website which is always out of date.
A list of milestones the baby does that is never long enough to describe the things I love the most about her.
A list of the people to send pictures to.
A list of pictures to print when my Costco card gets renewed.
A list of places to go this summer.
A list of places to go in my lifetime.
A list of restraunts I want to try.
A list of things I want to teach my daughter before she starts school
A list of items my daughter might want for her birthday.
A list of things I need to own if I want to own my own business.
A list of people to buy Christmas gifts for even though it's only July.
A list of items I will need for Layla's birthday party in September.
A list of ideas for Jon's birthday at the end of August.
A list of clothing my daughter doesn't have in the next size up so I can find it at yardsales.
A list of movies I'd like to own some day.
A list of pros and cons for family situations.
A list of things I wish I could say but that would really hurt someone else.
A list of dreams that I don't know what to do with and can't interpret on my own.
A list of personal goals to do before I am 50.
A list of things that only matter in my head.
A list of blog ideas I've never gotten around to writing.
A list of why it's not a good idea.
A list of lists on the internet in case I forget which ones I've already written.

3 MIME's...help yourself if you need a writing prompt

I get tagged for writing prompts all the time, in email and in blogs. I've gotten 3 this week. So I'm going to do my best to do all 3 today while the baby is taking a mysterious 3rd nap of the day...

AROUND HERE

This writing prompt is to list 10 things starting with around here that are true about your house...

1. Around here people bounce when you prompt them too unless the camera comes out. Even the adults.

2. Around here if you are crawling "Bup Bup" will usually get you picked up and if that doesn't work you just repeatedly head butt someones leg until they notice you.

3. Around here ducks spit, which leads to screaming "guck guck" in the bathtub and giggling and splashing... unless it squirts in your eye...in which case you just throw it at mommy.

4. Around here people don't eat leftovers, unless Jon's mom sends them over in a giant yellow bowl.

5. Around here having a house that looks lived in means letting the baby destroy the Sunday paper when you are done with it.

6. Around here the statement "I've had a bad day" means someone will either be pushing buttons on a control or a cell phone within the hour.

7. Around here if the house phone rings it's either my mother or a telemarketer.

8. Around here sometimes you find a cheerio in a place you know a child has never been.

9. Around here the family recipes are secret which means we tell them to everyone but each other.

10. Around here something is always moving.

TODAY

This writing prompt is for you to list three things about your day today and explain why they are randomly important.

1. Today I didn't get ready for a yardsale, worry about not having a job and getting UI checks, and I didn't have to call someone while minutes weren't free on my cell phone because for the first time in a few weeks now...today there wasn't anything to worry about and I got to enjoy just one day.

2. Today the baby got up at 7, took a nap at 7:30 for 2 hours then took another two hour nap at 11 and went down for another nap at 4 which she is still taking now... this is important because she is either cutting molars or growing, both of which are big deals...and it's shocking because she got up at 5:30 the three days prior to this one.

3. Today I took a shower and then put on another pair of pjs... not because I was depressed but because I was happy and content with no where to go.

Senses Questions

This one asks you to answer the following 4 questions...

1. What is your favorite smell?

Cooking food, usually chocolate or something that reminds me of my childhood.

2. What is your favorite feeling?

Warm water with bubbles

3. What is your favorite sound?

My daughters laughter

4. What is your favorite sight?

When my husband looks at me like he really loves me.

Peas...3 days old

Of course my child who never picks up anything and puts it into her mouth decided to use her new pincher grasp today to pick up a pea that somehow got missed a few days ago and put it in her mouth and try to eat it. I guess you can't die from a dehydrated pea but gosh it was gross.

Then my landlord who is part of Satan's Pit Crew lately came and decided to put some new posts in the front yard, of course, it was during nap time. So nap time was late due to laying on the ground and crying in frustration while the pounding just wouldn't stop.

On the upside Layla's cold seems much better today and her Godmom is coming to spend a few nights with us...so she's all dressed up and waiting for the arrival of hugs and kisses.

This week is busy. We'll have company, a BBQ Birthday Bash, and dinner with my father in law all before Saturday. And next week, well that prep for our yard sale that must get done before the 28th when frugal shoppers invade our driveway at 7 am.

So while I'm nice and busy I'm going to recommed two new blogs to you...

The first one is my sister in law Mel's first attempt at blogging called The Jeffery's in WA. It is aptly named being as they just moved to Washington last month. So far she's only a few posts in but I'm excited because it is after all... a great way to see pictures of my neice.

The second one is my friend Pheonix's Momma who has a blog called Life and Times of a Displaced Californian which is all about her life in WA with her two year old just starting the terrible two's. She getting better about posting often so I'm supper excited about that. She's one of those girlfriends who in the middle of a story isn't scared to say "hey that would make a great blog or title" which means as soon as she gets in the swing of posting her blog will be a lot of fun.

And just because not everyone I know in real life lives in Washington I'm also going to recommend Practicing Patience and introduce you all to my friend Courtney. Courtney is a great cook so soon she'll be a contributor over on my food blog Fat Girl Eats but until then you can get your Courtney fix on her site.

I was going to link you to a couple more in real life friends and their blogs but when I took a look at them I realized they don't post often or they don't post anything other than junk (you know email's and MIME's) so this is the best I can do.

Enjoy... and I'll talk to you all later this week if I have time!

Memories

I got tagged for yet another MIME this one is a writing prompt called memories where you write a small paragraph about each of 6 scenarios...enjoy...

1. it is elementary school recess...

I am at the Bonita a small agricultural town elementary school filled with migrant worker kids, farmer kids, and a small spattering of transfer kids from the nearby towns which had bigger schools. The school had an old battered gym which was my playground all summer in the evening and most afternoons after classes got out and my homework was done but it was off limits during classes. Restricted from pretending the back steps and ladders was my own private estate in my imagination, I'd resolve myself to wait in line for the swings. Swinging felt like flying and I loved the freedom of it. You could see the whole playground from the swings and I'd watch everyone else participate in their own little glimpses of freedom.

2. it is summer vacation and you are 15...

Banana boat sun tan lotion in a brown bottle, watermelon bubble yum gum, a hot pink and lime green hair scrunchy and an anklet from the mall rounded out my bathing suit and flip flop of choice each day. I'd tote my swim bag filled with towel, snacks and pocket change to the community pool where I'd meet my friends and we'd rule the summer from our corner of the concrete from 10 am until 6 pm each day.

3. it is the highschool football homecoming game...

My friends are all stuck in the band section playing songs that are popular only while eating a 3 dollar hot dog on a metal seat. I am standing by the snack bar, completely uninterested in a popular kid sport being played on a grass field. Instead I make fun conversation that I would never miss and wait for the game to end so that my friends and I can make a brief appearance at the dance and then take off my in my car to play pool in the bigger town near by.

4. it is the last summer before college...

One of my best friends has a son who is almost 2. Instead of spending my summer running away with other friends we spend most of the summer hanging out at my house or her house. We work at the college together and we car pool. When we aren't working we go to the movies, the mall and we play pool. She's part of the family, participating in game nights with my parents, going on road trips with me and finding things to do without a lot of money.

5. it is a night at home with the family...

We brought her home from the hospital today and no one is here. I mean no one, they all left, I guess to give us space but it wasn't what I pictured my homecoming to be like. We fuss about for a few minutes figuring out where to put the car seat now and where we wanted things to go. We change a diaper and make a bottle. We sit on the couch and she is asleep in his arms while I go through my hospital papers. We are home and we don't even know it yet.

6. it is a road trip with friends...

We pile into my car. There are 4 of us, my husband, his friend G and my friend J and we are going to the Monterey area to have some fun. After a long road trip we arrive to find out that the power is out on Cannery Row but we shop anyhow for a few hours fooling around and taking pictures. When we get ready to eat the lack of power puts us on the road again and after a cliff side stop to see a sunset we find a parking spot and a place to eat in Capitola right on the beach. Then on the ride home one by one people fall asleep while we listen to Journey on an ipod connected to my stereo. It was good times.

Tag You're It

I got hit by one of those word association games in MIME and I thought... hey that might make a good blog. So if you need something to write about feel free to snag it.

Below is a list of 12 words. Write 1 paragraph about what you think of (in your life) when you hear that word.

1. Home

When I was little we lived in a house in the country. My whole life that has been the place I think of when I think of home. Ironically we probably lived there the least amount of time, but, I was young. I vividly remember the way the Euculyptus trees smelt in the morning, the way the brown carpet was under your tummy when you played in the den and the brightness of the lights in the kitchen. I've had other homes, I've lived lots of places but that one is the first one that usually pops in my head.

2. Family

When I hear the word family I am instantly transported to my Grandma Gerty's kitchen table the day my Uncle told her he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant while I played in the other room. She said "you can't walk away from what God connects you to". Which was odd because she never said stuff that philosophical. But now that I have a family of my own I totally understand. I could not walk away... God has connected me with a bond too tight.

3. Marriage

Princess Bride... "love true love"... but seriously, marraige to me was always some romantic thing I'd do when I grew up until I grew up and realized marraige is a commitment to work it out, work through it and work on it constantly. Marraige is both a challenge and a comfort. For my marriage could be summed up at that moment when we got home from the honeymoon and came to the crashing realization that we were in debt, tired and that a wedding takes a lot out of you but we could still make each other laugh so we'd be ok.

4. Sex

Sex is one of those things that the more you joke about it the less of it you're probably having. And I am a regular Dane Cook about sex lately.

5. Friends

Yesterday I didn't know if I did the right thing. So when the minutes went to free on the cell phone I called my girl in WA and we talked. We talked about her overwhelming day and my overwhelming day and it wasn't about outdoing each other or being the center of anything, we crossed back and forth through 3 hours of girl talk. Sometimes it was her turn, sometimes it was my turn but we both got off the phone better for the wear.

6. God

God is that moment you realize you can't do it on your own and then you remember you don't have to. God is that feeling when you have lost all hope and you find something to believe in. God is not church on Sunday but he can't wait to see you there. God knows you curse too much, drink on Friday nights and cheat when you play board games and he doesn't care because he loves you. And he reminds you in the little things, he finds you in the chaos and wakes you up in the times of stagnant slumber of the soul.

7. Color

When I was little I would push on the crayons so hard that the ends would lose their sharpness and with that I would lose my ability to color in the small spaces. I learned to blend colors in the small places by using the white crayon and dragging little bits of color from other areas. Years later I use this same method on drawing, frosting cakes and making the budget work. Just a little blending can get you far in life.

8. Frustration

I spent the whole day listening to her mope her why through it. A day I thought would be MY day. I felt entitled to my day but I knew she needed it to be all about her. I asked smart questions, I helped make plans and then BOOM she was over it. She says nothing has changed in her situation that she still wants out or something but then with the next breath she'll talk about moving closer together and getting a house or something. I'm over it. My apathy is overwhelming and I don't want to help anymore. I feel betrayed. I feel like my opinion has no value. I don't feel validated and I hate that sometimes I still feel concerned.

9. Happiness

Happiness is 11 pm on a weekend night with a Malibu and Pepsi in one hand and a few playing cards in the other. Happiness is snack foods and the people I consider my family even though they might only be friends bantering back and forth in a cocky tone about who's turn it is to get their "ass handed to them". Happiness is that night we're all together, eating, playing and laughing as one.

10. Silence

I grew up spending summers on the ranch. The living room at my grandparents house could be eerily silent at night if there was no breeze to rustle the trees and the animals had all bedded down for the night. Sometimes now in the evening I will turn everything off and sit in my rocking chair stairing out the open sliding glass door into the night. My ears search for silence and find the sounds of a suburban neighborhood so instead my mind drifts off to a daydream about how the trees would dance in the morning breeze and the light would filter through the picture window and while my ears are busy my heart find silence there.

11. Noise

Her promises are noise to me. Just another chance to not show up always with an excuse. But I love her so I am the one everyone cancels on because I say that it is ok. But me letting it be ok does not make it ok. And so when the words are spoken in the back of my mind I start a back up plan and I start to worry about the "what if" well knowing that the "what if" probably is closer to the truth than the promise.

12. End

The last dollar in a check account, the last diaper in the pack, the last bottle of formula in the microwave and the last 3 days before payday. I've never actually been at all those places at once. But I know if I did get there it would be the end of me. For me the end is not being able to provide for my daughter and husband. Sometimes I fear the end is near and usually right before I panic I find a little piece of God in my heart.

Right Now

Right now I have nothing in particular to write about. So I go to a writing prompt page I know of and I click it open...and the prompt... write about what's going on around you right now. Thanks for nothing...sigh.

Right now, there is a baby sleeping in the next room. A baby who was cutting a tooth today and who wanted to be held most of the morning. Because of that baby, I was still in my nightgown when my husband got home from work. I was taking a nap with her, her first nap of the day. Later I showered and put the same night gown back on. It's been that kind of day around here.

Right now, there is a husband watching the movie Knocked Up in the living room. I can't make myself watch the movie because for some reason the bar scene really makes me aggitated so I came into the computer to blog. Then I stared at the screen, listened to the fan in the other room and my husband occassionally laughing at the movie and I just wondered off.

Right now, the room I am in is too bright for a day dream. It's a distractingly harsh light from the overhead bulb but I know that if I switch to the free standing lamp the lack of good light will make me sleepy. I've been living fueled by Pepsi and stress and the darkness might swallow me into a land of restless dreams I'm not yet ready to take part in.

Right now, my cell phone is vibrating with another text from the girl I'll be going to a festival with on Sunday. We're both looking for work and as frustrating as it is to be out of a job we are taking comfort in knowing we are not alone by bantering back and forth about Unemployment paperwork, phone interviews and openings we've found while searching.

Right now, I haven't had dinner, it's 9:15 and I'm sure that I won't have dinner. I had lunch close to 4 pm when I had the hubby run to McDonald's because I hadn't eaten yet. It threw the whole day off, but I am thinking longingly about another Pepsi, I've had 4 today so I'm trying to hold myself off.

Right now is a whole lot of nothing... loads of nothing swirling around like washing machine loads of dirty laundry in my head. It's like a constant white noise that keeps me on edge. What next? I don't know. I'm not even entirely sure I know what's right now.