Tag You're It

I got hit by one of those word association games in MIME and I thought... hey that might make a good blog. So if you need something to write about feel free to snag it.

Below is a list of 12 words. Write 1 paragraph about what you think of (in your life) when you hear that word.

1. Home

When I was little we lived in a house in the country. My whole life that has been the place I think of when I think of home. Ironically we probably lived there the least amount of time, but, I was young. I vividly remember the way the Euculyptus trees smelt in the morning, the way the brown carpet was under your tummy when you played in the den and the brightness of the lights in the kitchen. I've had other homes, I've lived lots of places but that one is the first one that usually pops in my head.

2. Family

When I hear the word family I am instantly transported to my Grandma Gerty's kitchen table the day my Uncle told her he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant while I played in the other room. She said "you can't walk away from what God connects you to". Which was odd because she never said stuff that philosophical. But now that I have a family of my own I totally understand. I could not walk away... God has connected me with a bond too tight.

3. Marriage

Princess Bride... "love true love"... but seriously, marraige to me was always some romantic thing I'd do when I grew up until I grew up and realized marraige is a commitment to work it out, work through it and work on it constantly. Marraige is both a challenge and a comfort. For my marriage could be summed up at that moment when we got home from the honeymoon and came to the crashing realization that we were in debt, tired and that a wedding takes a lot out of you but we could still make each other laugh so we'd be ok.

4. Sex

Sex is one of those things that the more you joke about it the less of it you're probably having. And I am a regular Dane Cook about sex lately.

5. Friends

Yesterday I didn't know if I did the right thing. So when the minutes went to free on the cell phone I called my girl in WA and we talked. We talked about her overwhelming day and my overwhelming day and it wasn't about outdoing each other or being the center of anything, we crossed back and forth through 3 hours of girl talk. Sometimes it was her turn, sometimes it was my turn but we both got off the phone better for the wear.

6. God

God is that moment you realize you can't do it on your own and then you remember you don't have to. God is that feeling when you have lost all hope and you find something to believe in. God is not church on Sunday but he can't wait to see you there. God knows you curse too much, drink on Friday nights and cheat when you play board games and he doesn't care because he loves you. And he reminds you in the little things, he finds you in the chaos and wakes you up in the times of stagnant slumber of the soul.

7. Color

When I was little I would push on the crayons so hard that the ends would lose their sharpness and with that I would lose my ability to color in the small spaces. I learned to blend colors in the small places by using the white crayon and dragging little bits of color from other areas. Years later I use this same method on drawing, frosting cakes and making the budget work. Just a little blending can get you far in life.

8. Frustration

I spent the whole day listening to her mope her why through it. A day I thought would be MY day. I felt entitled to my day but I knew she needed it to be all about her. I asked smart questions, I helped make plans and then BOOM she was over it. She says nothing has changed in her situation that she still wants out or something but then with the next breath she'll talk about moving closer together and getting a house or something. I'm over it. My apathy is overwhelming and I don't want to help anymore. I feel betrayed. I feel like my opinion has no value. I don't feel validated and I hate that sometimes I still feel concerned.

9. Happiness

Happiness is 11 pm on a weekend night with a Malibu and Pepsi in one hand and a few playing cards in the other. Happiness is snack foods and the people I consider my family even though they might only be friends bantering back and forth in a cocky tone about who's turn it is to get their "ass handed to them". Happiness is that night we're all together, eating, playing and laughing as one.

10. Silence

I grew up spending summers on the ranch. The living room at my grandparents house could be eerily silent at night if there was no breeze to rustle the trees and the animals had all bedded down for the night. Sometimes now in the evening I will turn everything off and sit in my rocking chair stairing out the open sliding glass door into the night. My ears search for silence and find the sounds of a suburban neighborhood so instead my mind drifts off to a daydream about how the trees would dance in the morning breeze and the light would filter through the picture window and while my ears are busy my heart find silence there.

11. Noise

Her promises are noise to me. Just another chance to not show up always with an excuse. But I love her so I am the one everyone cancels on because I say that it is ok. But me letting it be ok does not make it ok. And so when the words are spoken in the back of my mind I start a back up plan and I start to worry about the "what if" well knowing that the "what if" probably is closer to the truth than the promise.

12. End

The last dollar in a check account, the last diaper in the pack, the last bottle of formula in the microwave and the last 3 days before payday. I've never actually been at all those places at once. But I know if I did get there it would be the end of me. For me the end is not being able to provide for my daughter and husband. Sometimes I fear the end is near and usually right before I panic I find a little piece of God in my heart.