Taken

I am an exposed nerve. I am 29 years of wear and tear on a used set of tires. I am rusted around the edges and I am decayed in the parts hidden behind the the face plate. I am polished shined in beautiful contemplation of broken existance. I am art.

I am constantly feeling, something I avoided for many years and it leaves me most days at an anxiety level which boils over on to my husband and into a pile on the bed much to early in the evening. I am balancing the numbers that never balance, planning plans that would take divine intervention to acknowledge and thinking outside a box that has more than enough room for me to grow inside it.

I am finally there. I am in the moment. I am no longer a day away or an hour too late. I express it as it happens. I move things and I am moved. I shake them and sometimes I am shaken. I sit in the stillness and I am in awe.

I am alive. I am at that point where happy is hopeful, sad is survivable and love is overwhelming. I am consumed by a desire to change my situation in little ways... 9 to 5 ways... and yet so overwhelmingly content to be able to watch nothing next to someone willing to suffer through it for my enjoyment. I watch the nothing become something of meaning.

I am addicted. I am craving it, touching it, smelling it next to me and then I close my eyes in the dark and listen to the sound of subconscience symphanies playing from that which holds my soul next to me and I worry that it could not be enough, that it could vanish and then I pray.

I am empty of the desire and full of the guilt one moment and the next I am full of the desire and empty of the guilt and all it took was one look, one word, one more person to show me that I am abnormally normal...even now. I am repulsed and yet I am curious.

I am atoned. I hear the voice in the back of my head. It is love in compounding expanding wholeness I can not even begin to understand and it says I am safe and my love is safe. I snuggle in, closing my eyes again and listen to the air I breath taking in air around me. It is warm and it is near me always.

I am defined by them. I am part of them now. Slowly my identity has morphed into a part of a puzzle with constant changing pieces. I am not a product of how I see myself. I am not a product of how they see me. I am a product of being changed by knowing them and them being changed by knowing me.

I am not for the better or for the worse. I have a value given to me just by my existence. I am necessary and I am strong in ways I do not understand most of the times. I am calm when I need to be and hot when I can be. I am too much, too little and always just enough.

And suddenly I just get it.

I am a child, a mother, a wife, a friend, an enemy, a job, a work in progress. I have no definition, I am described by all things in contradiction. I have a name and it is taken.

taken
adjective
1.
understood in a certain way; made sense of; "a word taken literally"; "a smile taken as consent"; "an open door interpreted as an invitation"