Is this it?

This week the fear of the unknown started creeping into my quiet thoughts. What if I don't get a job? Do we need to find some place else to live? Holy Shit I don't have a plan!!

This has always been the hardest thing for me to grasp. That concept of trust and safety. I don't know why, I had a good childhood. I just don't necessarily always believe that every thing really will be ok.

Maybe that's a product of a long verbally abusive relationship in my past. Perhaps it's the product of losing a child in the womb. Or maybe it's a product of my own imagination. I have to sit there and will myself to remember.

I say self...

Right now you feel like Layla when something happens that she doesn't understand and she screams and cries. Right now God feels like you do when you pick her up and wipe off those huge tears and whisper to her that it will be ok. God is not frustrated that you are upset because you don't understand. God is not angry because you aren't letting go as easily as some other people do. God knows you, he accepts you and he really does have it under control. Just like you do when you let the baby carefully roll to the floor while you hold her feet so she can know that the couch really does indeed end and falling off that end has a consequence.

And then I wonder...

Is this why I don't have a job yet? Is God using this vast amount of time he has given me with my daughter to teach me to accept my lack of control, his love and that in the end I am nothing but a reflection of broken intentions. Is he using her to teach me what his love looks like?

And then I think...

Damn it Allie you're over thinking this. Let it go.

And then I say something to my husband like "maybe we should think about getting a smaller apartment" and he says "we'll see".

And I think...

Does he know something I don't know? I mean is that the we'll see of "I totally trust God's got my back" or the we'll see of "No honey you're butt doesn't look big in those pants" safety answer.

And then I panic...

What if I can't provide!! And, the next thing I know I'm writing a blog at 10 pm while my family sleeps peacefully in the other room. While I think and re-think all the worse cases that could possibly happen and wonder if damage control should be started now... well knowing I can't damage control it. And wishing my husband would wake up to calm me... knowing he wouldn't calm me because he doesn't have the answers I want.

And then I remember...

It's not about what I want.

And then I pray...