Hope List

I am the sort of person who makes lists. I think that's why things like Menu Monday and Thursday Thirteen appeal to me so much. I make to do lists and stick them to my desk in an array of post it note colors and I write on the back of envelopes while I am waiting in the back of the car. I am that person with the little notebook filled with half thoughts and shopping checklists in their purse. I like the comfort of knowing what I have completed, of crossing it off with a bold black line and I like knowing that's what's done is done. I micro manage my life lists...breaking them down into smaller items so that I can cross off more to feel like I got more done. I know that having more things crossed off will motivate me to do a little more. I like clearly outlined, clearly planned, clearly stated life plans. I like to feel like I know what's going on. I like control.

It's baffling really when you like control as much as I do and you can't get a grasp on one aspect of your life. I have a list of things I have done to make my fertility a non-issue, a check list of what will happen next and a wish list of things Dr's have told me might work. Today my doctor went from point A to point C on a map. Skipping B made me cry. It knocked him totally off guard as well. You see he's used to the Allie with the checklist. He thought a calm and rational version of Allie would be writing down plan C instead of panicing about plan B.

Plan B was to start fertility drugs if nature hadn't taken it's course and my ovulation was fairly normal. Plan C is focus more on the Stein Leventhal Syndrome and it's after effects and see if a baby happens before the late spring and it hasn't then move back to plan B. Plan C is all about patience and if you read this blog or you know me in real life then you know that patience isn't something I'm very good at.

"Let go and Let God" that's what one of my friends told me this week. Let him take away the burden and let him comfort me while I wait. I have a question for this friend though. Would God give you an obstacle? Is God doing this to me to teach me something or did this just randomly happen and now God is supposed to lull me through it like a hot bath and a couple of aspirin? What on earth am I letting go of...wanting to have a baby, making lists or having hope? What am I letting God have... my hope? Because that's really all I have left. Wasn't my hope a gift from God? Why then is it so small sometimes??