It’s really amazing actually how you can feel like something should kill you and when it doesn’t how angry you are that it doesn’t leave a visible scar so that people can look at you and know that your broken beyond compare. Somewhere in the last week I have lost my ability to be “ok” and I’m not sure how to get it back. My prayers are now those of someone desperate not to be alone. I pray “Lord please find someone to hold my hope for me because I haven’t got the strength to carry around this mustard seed any more”…. and then there’s nothing… just like before… just a whole lot of nothing.
2 comments:
Oh honey. Wish I could lift you up right now and hold you above the misery for a little bit. You have my sympathies.
oh punkin, God is still holding on to your hope. Listen, let yourself feel whatever there is inside you. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to have moments of joy about things that aren't baby related. It's okay to feel the breath leave you and the tears well up when you see mother's with their little ones. It's not easy. But it is okay. It's right. It's also okay and right to enjoy things that don't involve children -- even moms who have their children wrapped around their ankles still enjoy things that don't involve children. So don't dismiss that part of you.
It's been six years for me and there is no hope because my body is finished having children. Most of my days are good with my empty nest (I have three that are grown and we don't live near them.) Sometimes though ... let's just say I have a very hard time not begging to hold other people's babies. And yet, I can't imagine working in a church nursery.
When my first marriage was falling apart, I remember thinking of hope as an elusive, cruel tease. It felt better to not run after hope.
The challenge is focus. Again, this is not a "oh snap out of it" kind of idea. But your hope for love is not in a child, or that you have your husband forever, or that you live a long life yourself. Hope for love is a gift from God that only God can fill.
This I know for truth: If he does not fill your hope for love through a child, he will still provide a way for you to give and receive love. Don't ask God for next year's picture. Just ask Him moment by moment who and how you can love.
Keep on hoping for a way to give away your extra love. He will provide the way and you will be happy in giving your love.
But ... still ... always ... even if you end up with a house full of children ... (I know this first hand because I have once had a house full of children) ... still ... you will have a painful spot caused by these losses. It doesn't go away. It will get bumped and blinding pain will come from nowhere and you will struggle to remember how to breathe.
When that happens, I close my eyes and breathe a prayer and hope for the day I will see my lost little ones. I literally focus on breathing through the blinding pain until I can bring myself to open my eyes.
Do not let anyone tell you you are young and you'll get over this and there are so many adventures waiting on you ... just move on ...
no ... your loss is real and huge and your future is wildly unknown ... it's really wildly unknown for all of us ... you're just in a moment of being keenly aware of it ... you are not in a place of illusion and false bragging where most of us live our days.
So. Cherish these days. You are living in reality. Mark your days with notes of choosing to recognize exactly where you are. Look around to see ... God is still on his throne and He still has a plan ... but we often only see it one step at a time. Honor each step your are taking.
Believe it or not ... some day you will want to be able to look back and remember these days clearly. So write notes to your 50 yr old self. You'll just have to trust me on that.
And anytime you feel like yelling and screaming and throwing a tantrum ... feel free to sit down and write me all about it. I'll relate.
hugs,
pam
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