My body has failed me again. Before our vacation I took a positive pregnancy test... little pink plus lines faintly showed before me. I was overjoyed. I prayed long and hard. You see I can't go in for hormone shots if I'm going to be in SC for a week so I pray that this baby will hold on for 7 days while I am on vacation. Once while I am gone I pee on a stick... another faint pink plus... I am overwhelmed with hope. I pray harder and more. The day we come home I have a dream that I miscarry. The next morning I pee on a stick and it is negative. Again... I have failed. This time I take it in stride. I have no problem getting pregnant just staying that way. I cry only for the length of my shower time. I get dressed, tell the hubby and go to work.
Men are lucky, they get to be fairly detached from these things. He checks to see if I am ok...then eases back into a light slumber with the cat snuggled next to him. He knows we will keep trying. For him that's all that matters. I mention Foster Parenting sign ups... he isn't ready yet to start preparing for a loss of hope. I walk away unresolved.
I walk into work and the topic comes up in some way (something about me wanting to call in sick today) turns out both girls thought I might be pregnant when I stopped drinking pepsi at work. Go figure. We greive for a moment. We move on.
I text the two friends who knew. They are caring and compassionate. I don't know what to say so I say nothing. And I ready myself for the wait...
I wait for a period that will eventually come, I wait for the realization that it is completely over and I wait to try again... because I have to.
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2 comments:
Oh honey. That sucks. Wish I could hug you really hard right now.
*cyber hugs* You're in my thoughts. Try to stay positive and remember that there is another month...and a month after that. These months are so hard on we couples that are trying. God will make it so if He has a way.
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