The theme over at Mama Says Om this week is acceptance. Acceptance is one of those things I've learned a lot about since September when I got married. I'm talking about accepting the fact that my husband leaves his clothing on the floor next to his closet or accepting the fact that I will never ever be all the way caught up with the laundry and dishes at the same time. I mean coming to terms with a deeper, harsher, more internal version of acceptance.
I have been married for 4 and a half months and I have miscarried two times. Two little babies have come into my life and then slowly faded away into the arms of Lord. I am a mother with no children. I am a broken vessel. I bare no visible scar. You can't look at me on any given day and say "damn that had to hurt". You may never know from my laughing eyes and charismatic exterior that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to struggle with nature for awhile longer.
I concur that, I am not going to have an easy time procreating my family line. I undertake the responsibility of knowing that I will feel the joy of a pink plus more times than I feel the pain of childbirth. I respond to others that will become pregnant without trying and to knowing that some children will come into this world that who never wanted by sharing joy in their ability to do what I can not. I consent to this because I know with all my heart that one day I will be like Hannah in the book of Samuel.
Someday I will stand tall with my faith in being a mother, no longer a faith as small as a mustard seed. Perhaps that day will come after hearing the words "come on now just one more good push" or perhaps it will come after signing the dotted line in a courthouse that smells of dusty paperwork and old carpet. Whatever the way, I will someday have a child living in the room at the end of the hall. I understand the loss I will face and the joy I will know when that loss ends.
I live in constant acceptance that it will come and I too will be able to say "My heart rejoices in the LORD; in the LORD my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance."
7 comments:
Hang in there, dear. I had four miscarriages before my daughter was born, and I've had ten pregnancies in all with three live birhts.
Each and every miscarriage is heartbreaking - I feel for you.
I had endometriosis and low progesterone levels. A specialist might be able to help you discover what is going wrong and help correct it.
Hang in there!
Hey Sweetie -- I heard once that infertility is one of the leading casuses of stress, right behind death. But like you say, it's unseen, and nobody really knows how much you're hurting. But like you say, acceptance is good, and sometimes when you're not looking, the water starts to boil.
I have a good friend, who now has 3 boys, who had 8 miscarriages. I'm only telling you this because of how she got her boys -- her doctor told her the strangest thing -- but it worked. He told her to take baby asprin. It couldn't hurt to try. Sending you love and light,
Susie J.
I had three miscarriages before I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, now whn pregnant I inject myself wit heparin nd take low dose aspirin, worked both times and I now have two daughters.
Going through the miscarriages was a very sad heartbreaking time.
Sending baby wishes to you
egads, sorry for all the typos!
Peace be with you.
Have you ever stopped to ponder, maybe for a moment, that chidren come to their parents when the time is right? You are young, healthy, in love. You are 27. You are NOT infertile. You will have babies... but also this: you are so so so newly married. You have no idea how much of a strain a baby will put on your new relationship. It will change you, and demand so much of you. Maybe your future child is waiting for you to have a little more time as just the two of you. Have you ever thought that maybe you're trying at this too hard, stressing yourself too much. That taking some time to just sink into married life, to live, to love, to take excellent care of your health... that maybe then you'll have an easier time of this...
I have only one reply...
If a Specialist tells you that you have Stien Leventhal Syndrome and you have less than a year to have a baby before your ovaries stop functioning because they are already in decline....
then you can tell me your advice
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