Monday, April 16, 2012

Barely Holding It Together

I haven't written much lately. I have nothing nice to say. We went to Disneyland and instead of the happiest place on earth it sort of felt like a giant reminder that I can never be enough. I played the part for my kids but I died a little. We came home and it was Easter and I did my best but the week left me in pain and angry at the world.

The make a pill for that. I am taking it now. I feel hollow.

I called the doctor and cried. I play waiting games with no hope for change anymore.

My daughter asked a question that left me shaken a week ago. I haven't even told Jon or my best friend. I carry it around with me on the brink of tears.

I can't talk about it but I can't let it go because it's the only thing I really feel anymore.

Angry at the world. Angry at myself. Angry at God.

The baby's birthday is Sunday. I love my kids so much that I find myself awake when I should be sleeping thinking and worrying about if they are happy, do they know, will they understand.

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1 comment:

niobe said...

Oh no. I'm so, so sorry. Hoping that things change for the better.