For a moment

September 8th I was married. Not September ninth which is the date the pastor wrote on the certificate when he mailed it in. September ninth is far different than the day before it. On my wedding day I was filled with excitement, panic and pepsi with ice while I nervously waited for the perfect hair and the perfect dress to be put on over my perfect makeup and my perfect shoes. The next day, I made my perfect marriage blessed with my imperfection. On the ninth breakfast was skipped for the ability to make a baby...an activity we'd been waiting for quite some time to partake in. Imperfect love, akward and new brought the morning to a bright start. Three days later on our honeymoon I was dizzy and sick but I brushed it off to being tired and cranky.

Finally a week later I resolve to the little pee test to find out if my dizzy spell was my body trying to tell me I was the carrier of the miracle form of an STD. Negative. Phew. Ok...


A week after that I'm not tender to the touch, hot all the time, sick and tired. I decide I must be crazy but I pull out the other little stick test and resolve that three minutes and $14.oo is a savings as opposed to waiting and wondering all the time. Positive.

Excited. Elated. Refreshed. Energized. I AM HAVING A BABY. I drive to Starbucks to tell the Hubby in the middle of the busiest shift of the day. He is excited, mildly shaky. We thought it would take longer but we are "all in" as my father says.

We plan. We tell three people. We decide to wait for some drama to blow over to tell the rest. We make it another week. I wake up "different". I can only describe different as feeling empty. By mid day it is over. I was pregnant for a week. A WEEK. Yet my body is racked with pain and doubt and my mind is plagued with wondering how many times my body will reject God's gifts.

I pray. We cry. He comforts. We resolve. But in the end we wonder...why are we alone. Why us, who have this great church, this great community, this great life we used to brag about now the kind of people who'd rather greive alone than deal with the days ahead knowing we asked for help from the kind of people who hold helping over you like a hammer.