When the Bottom Falls Out There's More Up to Look Forward To

Ok so I have a couple of friends who have asked me about my appt on Tuesday and instead of emailing them seperately I decided that this would be a fast and efficient approach to keeping people informed. If you are not interested in the medical and mental perils that Jon and I are going through then just click this closed and stop reading because this is meant to be informative and not really for any attention or anxiety induction in others.

I got pretty sick after Jon and I got home from our honeymoon. A couple weeks and one positive pregnancy test later we got very excited by the concept of a baby at the end of next summer. Plans were made, cribs located, names talked about... but we decided to wait till the 10 wk mark when a baby has a heartbeat to tell our family and friends. It's safer that way we told ourselves (without ever really thinking for a minute that it might be a prediction of what would happen next).

A week after my positive pregnancy test I had what can only be described as an unplanned, horrible menstrual cycle which left me exhausted and defeated. I had miscarried. Jon and I struggled with our loss alone, mainly because we had chosen not to tell our friends and worried that calling them at this point would do more damage than good. The doctor informed us the next day over the phone that there was a chance I was still pregnant so we waited for an available appointment.

That gets us to Tuesday. On Tuesday morning I had my appt. It was determined that I did miscarry and that one of my ovaries is very weak and well...yucky... There were blood tests, sonigrams and other fun forms of medical torture (most of the girls can relate to most of that stuff). I have an infection in my blood which is an after effect of the lost baby and possibly some sort of rupture or torn tissue. In addition, I was informed that I might not be able to become pregnant if I wait much longer to start trying (less than a year).

After a talk with Jon we decided to actively pursue having a baby now before it's too late and for this reason I have an appointment with a specialist the 2nd week of November and several follow-up appointments with my regular doctor .

Now some of this is stuff I saw coming. I've been having ovary issues for a couple years now but I in no way thought that the end would be in site. My mother had a horrible run at trying to conceive, she miscarried and still birthed after long bouts of trying to get pregnant with no success. She also had a complete hysterectomy at a young age due to a huge cyst on her female parts. Due to this family history I was prepared for the possibility of become unfertile long before the normal path of menopause... but I wasn't prepared for NOW... not NOW... I'm young.

People keep asking if we need anything... by people I mean the few of my older friends who can read me like a book and can tell I've had my game face on for the last week. You can pray... pray for healthy babies if that is what God had planned... Pray that if adoption is the path we are supposed to take that funds become available when it's time. Pray for time. Pray for the miscarried baby that it is embraced by Gods loving arms in heaven. Pray for our ability to trust God's will.

And ask.. ask how we're doing because we'd really like to tell you... we just don't think you care. Perhaps we think it would be a burden to share with you. Perhaps we're scared to draw attention to ourselves after having a wedding. Perhaps we think you're tired of hearing about it. Perhaps we think you'll just blow it off. Most of those things we think because we've experienced them and now we're gun shy (so to speak).

Right now I need time, I need to get out of the house, I need to have fun and be with people. I need to be distracted. I need work, places to go and plans so that I'm not counting down the days between drs appts and test results by sitting on the couch watching law and order and marking the calendar with big red x's. Jon needs things too- support, friends around, rest, and time. He could probably tell you all about what he needs if you ask him.

I can tell you that right now we talk about this like it's not a huge blow because we don't want to scare ourselves but as for me... I'm already scared. Very very scared.

So just pray because that's what I'm doing. Several times a day. Every day.