State of test err rest

With things arranged and the overwhelming feeling of panic calming I am starting to be able to remember happy moments without wrenching out my own heart. Memories of Christmas, and of the first boy I ever saw jump off a roof, memories of stolen beers drank in the back yard, and of slip and slides covered with baby oil. Summer memories, and adult memories, ones of trials and ones of hope. 30 years of memories and I am honored that they are mine to have shared with him.

Today I heard the heartbeat of my unborn child. He's the reason I wanted another child. I always felt so alone as an only child. Alone unless I was with him, he jokingly called me sis in his army letters, raised together and so close we always had each other. He was my brother, closer than he can imagine to my heart.

I wanted Layla to have someone to share the crazy with. The highest honor I can say of him today is he always made people feel loved, in my case, so loved we wanted to recreate that relationship for my own child.

And again I whisper through the tears, the only brother I've ever had.