Sunday, August 09, 2009

I am appreciative for what I have but...

Yesterday's baby shower overflowed my emotional bucket. I got cut off on the way home in the car and my cursing quickly evolved to crying. I ended up pulling over my car and having a good bawl out on the side of a country road.
It's hard work trying to get pregnant. It's a spiritual journey filled with small triumphs and little victories. I made it through a whole shower without crying. I didn't snap when the sweet scent of new baby washed over from the cute little one near me. I wasn't jealous of her big baby belly and her gift bags of tiny little clothes. Chalk one up for the good side.
But it isn't always obvious to me anymore when the infertility melt down is going collapse around me.

But somewhere on the way home it hit me that I am so very not pregnant. That I will probably continue to be very not pregnant for a very long time. And as proud, and happy as I am for Jen... I spent a little time on the side of the road allowing myself to feel sorry for myself.
My pity party was 9 minutes long. Then I stayed a little weepy for the next 10 miles. By the time I got home I had resolved myself to official no more tears status.
It's hard work being pathetic...very hard work.
And she's so beautiful with her big baby belly and her soon to be mom glow. There is not a doubt in my mind that witnessing Miss Mia's birth (just like any birth) will be a life changing and beautiful experience and I can't wait to share in it.
And then I'll come home and invest in little pee stick tests and wait until it's my turn like a good girl... I promise.

1 comment:

Layla's Nana said...

Good for you! Just keep moving forward, it's Jen's time now... Soon it'll be your time :)