Glimpses of Halloween

Later there will be posts either here or on Layla's site giving a detailed description of our Halloween for the people dying to know. But for now know this. We woke up happy after sleeping in, we played and danced, we had lunch with a cousin that we clicked with instantly and mommy held the baby, then we took a nap and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. From there we put on a tinkerbelle costume that we HATED and refused to wear. There was screaming and not one picture. So after Daddy calmed Layla down Mommy improvised a farmer costume out of things we owned already. Then we went to trick or treat family. We had nice visits and took pictures and played with doggies and ate ice cream pie and came home sugared up and happy and visited with Grammi and put ourselves to bed at 8:45 so sleepy we could pass out. At this moment, Jon and I are finally eating dinner and all in all it was a beautiful day. One, that deserves more writing and will get that tomorrow.

12

Depending on which due date you like best I am either at 12 or 13 weeks today. So I guess that means we've made it passed the evil first trimester, which the doctor should confirm on my appointment Monday.
Spending part of the time home with a sick kid and then feeling sick myself has been a decent distraction. I imagine that we'll still be high risk for awhile because I do have contractions for no reason occasionally.

Literally, last night Jon made a 'your not even 12 weeks yet' comment and I had to point out that even with the later date 12 weeks would be tomorrow.

It moved so fast and yet it seems so slow sometimes. I can't imagine a baby in there right now, I am not sick enough and it scares me. I just don't feel pregnant.

And that, is our status so far.

In Sickness & In Health

Boy the person who wrote those two lines of the wedding vows had been through the ringer already once, I guarantee it.

Last week the sickness came. First it took over my toddler changing her from a vibrant flash of life into a puddle of snot and oh-god-someone-hold-me.

Then the sickness took the husband. Changing him from Mr. Here-let-me-help-you to Mr. Do-I-Have-To.

Then the sickness hit the pregnant woman and while I avoided the 5 day version with all the sinus snot drainage I got hit squarely in the lungs and spent several days dry coughing and wheezing whenever I had to move.

Today Layla is snot free and I am breathing easy. Jon's at work but it seemed last night it was still lingering with him.

Yesterday, my mom paid to have my hair done. She said I needed to get out of my pregnant blahs. I didn't realize I was having pregnant blahs until I saw the before and after pictures of my hair. Boy I needed that. I feel much better now.

Today I woke up cuter, better rested and COLD which if you know me never happens to me. It was 62 degrees upstairs in our house. Downstairs was worse (but doesn't have a thermastat). Layla and I had some oatmeal and bacon and we pranced about in layered sweats, pjs, and jackets until our feet froze, then we got into a quilt and watched a movie. When the movie was done the heater had finally kicked the house up to 65 which was bearable.

We made a quest to the Walmart to get milk, butter, brown sugar and eggs. Doesn't that sound like we are baking something awesome? We're not. I'm just out of most of those things (or almost out). While we were there I tried to get Layla a winter jacket with no luck. Why are kids winter jackets sooo sooo yucky looking? I want her to be warm but she doesn't need to look like a stuffed bear or a marshmallow.

So later I plan a quest (after naptime) for a jacket at Target. Perhaps we'll have better luck there. And, shopping is not a bad way to spend your day off. Also on our to-do list...my baby needs a lunch box for SCHOOL. I know. I weep on the inside. She starts on the 9th (if not sooner).

Lived In

The hardest part of having a toddler for me would be how quickly after you clean something up it goes back to being a disaster.

It takes 45 minutes to clean a living room top to bottom, it takes her 3 minutes to make it look like you have NEVER cleaned your living room ever. So I just started slacking off. Now I do a little pick up here or there and so does Jon.

About once a week I vacume. I used to vacume twice a day when I was single with a cat in my apartment.

Yesterday I stepped on a cracker and I didn't even look down to see if I could pick up the pieces. I am too tired and too lazy to care about carpet crumbs lately. And by lately I mean since last December when Layla went from walking around the house being amused by her own movement to cruising the house looking for something to dump on the floor.

While Jon was a gone I did about half a house worth of overhaul. I got rid of some stuff, put things away that had been out too long and gave some stuff a good scrub down. Layla of course, had all that covered with a thin layer of plastic foods and stuffed animals by the time he walked in the door.

Today I tried again, I vacumed, picked up the kitchen and gave it a nice wipe over, cleaned up the bathroom counter and mirror (boy that kid likes to rub lotion covered hands on my mirror) and made a dent in the ICK factor.

It still looks so lived in. Piles all over of things that are put "away". Sometimes I miss my neat nick house. Maybe I'll get it back when she's in highschool.

Exam Week

I've had a sick kid for several days now. I went back to work today while she stayed with Daddy and tomorrow she will stay with Nannie while Daddy and Mommy both work.

This has been a stressful week. There was family drama. The finances took another hit as Jon's car started breaking down again and a stock cash out check got lost in the system. There have been stress contractions and not one but TWO times I forgot to go get a hormone level blood test while getting swept into the day to day things that need to get done.

I did finally vent some frustration by going through Layla's upstairs toys and throwing some things away (how many McDonald's toys does this kid have for craps sake?) and packing away the things she's outgrow until Bean is old enough to need them.

I'm still waiting on a bonus from work that will hopefully help out our financial woes and backlog of bills quite a bit. I wish it would hurry up so I could take something off my worry list.

We took Layla today and signed her up for day care (much to Mommy's broken heart- she seems to love the idea of a place full of little chairs, toys and kids in sand boxes). It will be good for her to get some social interaction and to learn to wait her turn and sit still before the baby comes anyhow.

She'll be going 3 days a week for a full day and staying home 2 days with Daddy. It ended up working out to be suprising less expensive and less stressful then I thought it would be. They were more than supportive about my worries about allergies and other kids with pet dander and gave me a form for her Dr to fill out and one for med info as well as offering to get her a teacher with no cats and make sure she sits not with kids with cats.

They have a 6:30 drop off time and we've managed to work that part out as well. Small blessings.

I'm struggling a lot right now with anger. I've talked to my friends (who act like my spiritual council) about it a lot and I've been praying. But mostly I am SOOO angry. One part hormones, one part situation and two parts I can't believe this is all happening at once. But one by one things are resolving themselves.

Having to stop taking anxiety meds to make a healthy baby has been interesting... there has been no shortage of things to worry about and things to be upset about. Some of them I'm sure I over reacted to and some of them given the same situation I would bend right over and draw the exact same line in the sand.

The nice part about blogging it all, is that I can look right at something and know what I was thinking, what I was feeling and what I wanted to say even if someone else took it differently than I expected. It's very raw and human to admit that something offends you and to be ok with the backlash when it offends someone else. I've learned a lot... but not the things that are you would expect.

Staycation Sickies

We had 1 good day on a 4 day staycation. There was a day of drama, a day of pumpkins, then 2 days filled with a baby with a cold, contractions and then a little more drama.

Sometimes it's just easier to go to work.

Layla had a rash flare up last night, in addition she's got a wicked bad head cold that I'm trying to fight off. Being pregnant with a head cold you can't take anything for is awful so I'd like to avoid it all costs.

Upsides, I did manage to get a little housework done, and I have some more scheduled for today. Also, I got to talk to some family members I never get to talk to online for awhile and I reconnected with an old friend in email.

Downsides, a sick baby means no girls day with Jen and no time to myself on my vacation.

She's feeling better today, so hopefully when I return to work tomorrow she'll be fine.

Pregnant Rant + Cats = Soapbox

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone about how I am scared to let Layla do some things because her allergic reaction to cats keeps getting worse and worse. To which the person gave me the ever popular " not that many people have cats" reply. It's really a thorn in my side when people tell me this.

I know lots of people who have cats. In fact Jon and I have found about half of the people we know have cats. Some groups have more cats than others. For instance in our personal circle, single people and grandparents are statistically more likely to have a hive inducing, can't breath causing and yet more important then your child in our opinion-pet.

So I asked the person to think of their five best friends and how many of those people have cats. She said 1. So I have a 1 in 5 chance with her friends. Lucky. Would you take a 1 in 5 chance of getting full body hives today if someone asked you to take it? Like right now, if I said eat this there is a 20% chance you'll be itchy for 4 days and you won't be able to breath tonight...does that sound nice?

So I decided to do a little internet research and here is what I found. In a USA Today news article it was reported that at the end of 2007 32.4% of households in America have a cat. That's a 3 in 10 chance my kid will be hive covered and snot filled if I take her randomly some place to visit or leave her in unknown child care. According the the census report which I found online (the one used in this article) most of those people are adults age 27-55.

So if the church nursery has 5 works and 20 kids... the odds are there is cat hair on at least 1 worker (maybe 2) and a couple kids. Odds are higher really though because people at our church volunteer by family. So if the Johnson's have a cat and Mr & Mrs Johnson have a kid in the toddler room, on their turn to "volunteer" we have a 2/3 chance of cat interaction with a helper (not counting the kid or kids).

That's like knowing your kid is allergic to shellfish and taking them to pet the shrimp at the aquarium before lunch. She's 2, her hands are always in her mouth or her eyes and she doesn't know that just because the 30 year old woman trying to calm her has cat hair all over her that she should get up and move.

Mostly, it pisses me off because people put an animal above my kid and act like I am totally over-reacting. (Not the random nursery workers-but family type people) If it was your kid would you still have a cat. And I feel bad. I have all these memories of visiting my grandparents and spending the night and playing games on the floor and hearing silly stories. My kid isn't going to get that. Well, she is, but only from one Nannie.

We can't go visit for more than 5 minutes and in order to that there has to be medications before and after.

For a cat.

I used to have a cat, so I understand that you can get attached. It just disappoints me that you're more attached to a cat than a kid you now hardly ever get to see.

Maybe you had to be there the day mom and I took her to the Dr's because her skin was cracked and bleeding. Or maybe you just didn't want to interact with her.

Maybe I'm just a different person. I don't make the vegetarians eat meat when they come over, I don't hide peanuts in my mom's food, and for you I'd get rid of a pet to see you.

I just feel so judged for pointing out that you're going to miss out on EVERYTHING because of something so retarded. Oh sure, maybe this is the last cat you'll ever own. But if it's a new cat...life expectancy for an indoor cat is 20 to 25 years according to Wikipedia so I guess you'll be all set if she wants to start having slumber parties and hanging out when she's in college and looking for a nice man to marry... unlikely...bet the odds are about the same as the odds of cat dander in the church nursery.

Staycation

My vacation turned into a staycation. Sometimes that happens and the funds you think you are going to have take too long to process or the plan you have falls through. And, that's ok. Really it is. I usually find it's best to make the most of the time you have instead of spending too much time worrying about what you don't have. Which, by the way, is great for Jon being as he's in Disneyland right now and I am on staycation due to powers beyond our control.

Today Layla and I had a much better day. Although, with the way it started off I wasn't so sure that was an option. Usually when someone covered in urine climbs on top of you at 5 am crying it's going to be a bad day. But she did manage to go back to sleep for awhile in our bed once I got her cleaned up.

Then there was the part of my morning where I throw up because I am pregnant. Today that fell half way through changing a diaper so I ran away from my half naked kid to be sick, and she took that as a cue to take off all her clothes, follow me and cry at my feet. I held her while I finished being sick and then got her back into pjs and she hid under the bathroom sink in the cabinet while I cleaned up.

Determined not to have a sucky day. I let her pick a movie and I made cinnamon toast. Sugar, as always, brightened her right up. She started asking when Nanny was coming to go get pumpkins so I took that cue to have her watch Sesame Street while I showered...then I got us both ready.

When Nanny arrived we headed off with plans of attending the Bloomingranch Pumpkin Festival in Oakdale. Turns out it was really small and there wasn't even a pumpkin patch. After a few minutes of checking out crafts and letting the baby run free towards the pond. I carried her out to the car and we headed to plan B.

We went to Jamestown were we walked around, looked at antiques and I bought a candle. Then we had some Mexican food which included the best tamale I ever had and Layla was SOOO well behaved I almost forgot she was 2. We watched step dancers (which she loved) and we got to pet the Sherriff's wive's doggy "Maya" which Layla cried out to when we got in the car to go.

Ironically I enjoyed myself so much in Jamestown I forgot to take pictures.

Then we headed on home. On the way we passed the local pumpkin patch and being as the pumpkin festival didn't result in any pumpkins we picked up a few. Then everyone came home and tried to nap, Layla took the shortest nap ever.

We then went to return something and run by the Target. We also picked up a take-n-bake pizza. We ended our evening watching a new Halloween movie and eating pizza.

At 6:30 Layla started asking about Daddy, she's starting to get worried that a day of inquiring hasn't brought him back. So we tried to call him, but instead she talked to his voicemail because he was on a ride and had no reception.

Then she put herself to bed. Afterall, she's got a big day tomorrow of picture taking and pottery painting.

I'm "that" mom but only when pushed

*disclaimer, this post was written by an angry pregnant woman and contains both cursing and judgement of others*

Today I went to work and I got off early to get started on my vacation. Which would have been awesome but I came home to a little financial situation I wasn't expecting and then spent the first two hours of my vacation torn between panic and PANIC. (Did I mention PANIC called her husband in Disneyland for help because PANIC was really PANIC!!! and not just blown up panic)

Once that was resolved it was decided that my mother, Layla and I would go to Chevy's and eat dinner being as we didn't get that head start on our vacation that I had planned. Chevy's actually went well. Layla threw a minor 2 year old fit before the food came but over all sat and played nicely and ate next to nothing which is pretty "ok" when you are two.

Then we had to wait for the check...and wait... and it seemed like forever but 2 minutes seems like an eternity when you have a toddler that is READY to leave. And by READY I mean she has managed to exit the chair, with a chocolate covered face from the Twix you used to bribe her to stay the first 2 times she tried to escape and is now exiting out the side entrance of the patio area because it is not locked.

Luckily, she found some gravel which she amused herself with while mom paid and then I suggested we run across the parking lot to the Walgreen's to look for toddler sunglasses because I still hadn't replaced the pair of Layla's that her cousin broke. So off we go. Layla literally runs across the parking lot and I have to catch her. *phew*

In the store we had a 15 minute, on again, off again tantrum about sitting in the cart. The kind with kicking, and threats ushered through clinched teeth in "the voice" until eventually we calm down for a few minutes only to start again. In line she lost her shit. Like, flip myself over almost die on the way to the ground my mother's head just spun off-lost her shit.

And then again in the parking lot which involved, me-who is not supposed to lift over 10 lbs, trying to carry a 28 lb screaming, flailing human, a gallon of milk, my bag, my purse and the last of my marbles as they fell out of my left ear.

People were looking at me. They gave me the "that mom" look. I'm pregnant, my face is broken out so I don't have on makeup, my kid is upset and I'm obviously having a hard time not loosing my cool. And I'm getting the judgement look from people standing with their much older and now well behaved kids and it took everything in my being not to shout "WHAT YOUR KID WAS NEVER FUCKING 2 YOU JUDGEMENTAL CUNT?"

But then I try to remind myself that my pregnancy hormones are raging, that Jesus loves me, that the baby is already upset, that I'll look MORE like "that mom" if I do yell, that I'm in a high risk pregnancy and I do not want to freak out and get sick. Instead I say things slightly heated like "oh man I'll be glad when 2 is over, it's my favorite age-NOT" or "Layla that is ENOUGH you need to calm down RIGHT NOW and behave like a good girl, Nanny and Mommy are very disappointed" or "stop it or I will have to beat you to death right here in the middle of this store" and that neither ends the staring or makes me feel any better.

So officially, not ever going to the store again with a toddler...all shopping will cease and halt until she is 4, no make that 5 just to be safe...or until Jon comes home from his vacation...whichever comes first.

*second disclaimer- I wouldn't beat my child, to death or otherwise...but sometimes I really wish I could because it would be so much easier than trying to be rational with a tiny irrational person*

24 hrs of food cravings

Mel asked so I kept track for 1 full day.

• The mashed potatoes with turkey gravy like they served in elementary school with a Hawaiian roll.• A bologna sandwich on fluffy white bread with best foods mayo, made from the National Market bologna with Kraft American Cheese, iceberg lettuce and crushed Lays Masterpiece BBQ Potato Chips• Spaghetti O's with meatballs• A Cherry Limeade• A chocolate mouse from Old Thyme Pasteries• Chevy's Chicken Soft Tacos and Chips and Salsa• Pot Stickers• Amici's Meatball and Italian Sausage Pizza with Mushrooms• El Jardin Chicken Tacos mom and I had that last night• A Hot T- Turkey and Cranberry and Pepper Jack Sandwich from the Mr Pickle Deli with no produce on it• Apple Juice from Gowan's Apple Stand• Beet Salad like I had in the hospital when I had Layla• A Turkey Ace from Helen's Restaurant which no longer exists• A cheeseburger like Grandma Gerty used to make on warm little Rainbow Buns• My Daddy's Cream Tuna on Toast• My Mom's Tater's –n- Eggs• Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner• Stuffed Mushrooms• A salad with ranch dressing from the Outback and a big bowl of baked potato soup• Deviled Eggs• The Bacon Wrapped BBQ Shrimp that Courtney made on 4th of July 2 years ago (or was that 3 years)• A MARGARITA with EXTRA SALT *sigh* why do I only want these when I am pregnant?• Stacey's Key Lime Cake• Carrot Sticks with Jon's Mom's Ranch Dressing• Hilmar Cheese Pie• Creamy Horseradish sauce on a steak sandwich served on garlic bread• Potato Salad made with Miracle Whip• A pepsi with the ice pellets you can get at Main Street Footers• A steak with sauted mushrooms• Pasta Sienna from Strings• Asparagus with Butter, Garlic and Salt• A cheeseburger from In & Out with no tomato• A big salad with crispy chicken strips in it and ranch dressing

But how do you feel?

Tell a person that you're pregnant and they always ask how you're feeling. If they don't then they comment on how you are looking...that's just how it goes with a baby in the belly. I don't mind.

This time it's all so different. At this point last time I was taking hormones and throwing up violently several times a day. I had contractions every.single.night and I was praying and praying and crying and crying. This time...it's just not like that.

I told someone yesterday that I would be down right jovial if I could just take a nap. Overwhelming exhaustion and intermitten acne are my only signs of pregnancy still at this point. (Dear woman who just goggled-lack of pregnancy symptoms and found 200 sites that say you've miscarried and this one...calm down...you're probably fine. - You're welcome)

If I hadn't heard the heartbeat and seen the video monitor on the sonogram I would probably still think I was moments from miscarriage. After all, being tired is a sign you have a toddler not necessarily that you're pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I've been sick a few times. Mostly on days when work has potlucks at my job...oh for the love of the smell of lingering food...starts so yummy and ends so yucky.

I have food cravings but I love food so that's not uncommon. The smell of new plastic and of coffee make me a little "eh" but nothing bad.

Mainly, I am counting down to 12 weeks because that always makes me feel better... and I'm starting to plan. I made a Target registry because I was feeling especially brave.

I guess that's how I feel... braver. Maybe that will be my new answer.

It's only 8 days late...

So George's birthday was the 5th and I sat down to write a post and Layla interrupted me and I never went back and then I'd remember every day during the worst possible time, like at work, and I'd forget again by the time I got home and I went to his party and I came home and I still didn't post and the next thing I knew it had been EIGHT days.

I suck.

Unlike George who rocks.

He's an awesome God-father who Laylabug loves to call Georgie and make do silly things. He's a good friend and a great council for your spiritual crisis. He also plays a mean air guitar.

Happy Belated Birthday George!

Bean Beats the Odds

This morning I awoke to what could only be described as my girl parts doing exercises without me asking them to and some slight bleeding. I thought to myself...well...you cramped and contracted a lot with Layla, don't panic...go to work...call the Dr when he opens at 8:30.

And, that's exactly what I did. They squeezed me in at 10 am and then decided I should have a sonogram right then and there because we still weren't 100 % sure I was viable and we didn't want to treat me with something that could hurt bean.

So I drank a lot of water very quickly and back I went.

The sonogram tech was just talking away and keeping me calm and all the sudden he flipped a switch and the most magical sound filled the entire room. He let me record all 169 bpm's (beats per minute) of that wonderful heartbeat floating around the room so I could replay it for the hubby (and anyone else who would listen).

He measured a little here, a little there and said well... you're 9 weeks 4 days or so. Looks great. You know with a heartbeat that strong you probably have less than a 5% chance of miscarrying now.

And the whole room filled with a choir of angels (or the sound of my silent tears).

He popped out a few quick pictures and showed me what was what on them (I swear this is the best one) and that was it.

I get another one at 12 weeks. But everything so far looks good.

I do have a cyst still and a wicked infection I'll be treating but the baby is doing great.

Thanks for all your prayers and keep up the good work!

Magic

Today I am having a magically movie marathon. Laylabug and I watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Now she is napping and I am watching Practical Magic. Later I hope to finish off my day with Hocus Pocus.

I am also going to eat Halloween candy with wreckless abandon.

Tis the season, and my only weekend off before Halloween.

We've already watched Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin, Garfield's Trick or Treat special and the Heffalump Halloween movie.

This week I might let her watch the Nightmare before Christmas, maybe.

Let the holiday take us to that magically place in our imagination.

Long days

I am horribly impatient and I find myself constantly playing a waiting game. God's test for me is apparently to be a testimony to the fact that it's hard to drown if you keep trying to swim.

So while it might look like I am thrashing and struggling for air the truth is a lot of this kicking and screaming is just me keeping afloat.

It could be much worse. I know it could be because I've been there done that.

I am relying on a lot of prayer lately and I just keep swimming...

Autumn & Halloween Decorations

Waiting

When did you get so big that in one second I could look at you and know what you were thinking and the next minute I could look at you and I had to wait for you to tell me...

Got God?

All he asked of me was faith the size of a mustard seed.

Which is good...because today that would be stretching me to my limits.

Today I had an ok work day but the water was off in the building which wouldn't be a problem for the 2 hours it was off, except for the 11 minutes I spent puking in the parking lot.

Then I had an OBGYN appointment, they took me back late, looked at me for 5 minutes, informed me they needed a sonogram to even tell me if I was still pregnant or not because the last one was worthless and unhelpful. Then they sent me home with nothing after 2 weeks of ceaseless praying...only to wait 2 more weeks.

I came home and I wanted to cry, instead the baby got up and proceeded to cry and scream for well close to an hour. She has a full body rash from what appears to have been playing near where cats used to be which means that allergy is getting worse.

My heart is heavy but luckily someone offered to carry my hope for me and I've still got my mustard seed of faith.

Expected

I grew up with this gaggle of women swarming around always in each others business and helping each other out. I read books about divine sisterhoods and ya ya's who banded together through every possible crisis. I watched TV shows where girlfriend's owned inn's together and saw each other every day.

So I became an adult and I went looking for my sisterhood. I searched in college, in my young adult friends, and even in rekindled relationships from my childhood. If at any given time I got to have 1 or 2 good girls in my posse I got super excited, I just knew I was close to having my people.

But it always happened, the wedding tape where girlfriends were mouthing off during my big day, the day we brought the baby home and sat and stared at each other while not one single casserole or call came, the babies lost with no one to mourn with, and even now with a tumor and a baby trying to occupy the same space. Time comes for a chance to prove our sisterhood and we prove we really all are more talk than follow through.

It's not our fault, we're a different generation connected by facebook and accented with a text. And as close as some of our friends really are they still end up oh so far away.

I long for a community. Maybe someone with my hippy home life, or a girl who can always make me a laugh, someone logical, someone artistic. Maybe not all in the same someone.

If I had a baby shower tomorrow I'd have 5 girls I truly want to invite that aren't family.

Part of it's me. I expect a lot and I try to give a lot but sometimes I fail.

Ironically I have great guy friends.

What's wrong with me? Why am I always just outside the circle?