anx·i·e·ty

anx·i·e·ty
n. pl. anx·i·e·ties
1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
2. A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
3. Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.

Yesterday, I finally gave up and called my OBGYN. I'm so stressed about the fact that I don't feel "very pregnant" most of the time and I spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Most days I feel green. Not sick. Not well. Just in limbo, keeping a trashcan or a cup or even a toilet near and knowing that it's not time yet to use it. Today I feel like I'm waiting for the green in my body to purge itself. Green instead of blue though...green like I have control instead of blue...because there is no sadness... only waiting.

Part of it is morning sickness and part of it is fear. I haven't felt too pregnant really. I haven't had a ton of symptoms. Each day without a symptom I feel like it's the day before the spotting starts. Spotting never starts. So I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I feel like any second now God, or a Dr, or even a friend is going to tell me it's all a joke. That I'm not really pregnant. That it's not really my turn. That I'm in the 5-10% that miscarry after a heart beat. So I wait. I am scared.

This weekend we have a trip planned to Disneyland. I'm scared to death of this trip. I feel like in going I'm not being honest with myself about how pregnant I am. I know I won't ride a lot of rides. I don't trust my body not to jump ship on the baby bandwagon. Instead I'll spend each day thinking what I think today... how many more days till it's ok.

Each Drs appt being the moment that the world might become clear again. The next Dr app & the next chance at redemption or the next poke at fate. I ask God to hold my hope for me but lately I feel like I'm awaiting the apocolypse.

So I moved up my appointment. Today at 2 pm I'll see if I can breath a little easier. I read somewhere that having a child after a miscarriage or infertility is a lot like PTSD. Every emotion is amplified by your stress and your fear. I know that can't be good for a baby so I'm going to do everything in my power to get over my own weakness, to let God make me feel shaken and to let God's love wash over me.