Layla @ 4 months old

Oh Laylabug! You're so big now I can hardly believe it.

Things changed so much this month. You gabber on like a teenager who speaks her own little language. You sit upright on the couch and you look around the room so alert and aware. You're suddenly all about grabbing things and touching them. You take the things you really like and rub them up against your chubby little cheeks and laugh.

Some things will never change...and least not any time soon if I have my way. You are the best snuggler right before bed and early in the morning when I try to squeeze a few more minutes of sleep by placing you between daddy and I under the sheets you snore a quiet little moan like snore that tells me you are happy and safe. You laugh when people do silly things... you know... like put on Miley Cyrus music, dance around in front of you, growl or better yet... attempt to buy you new shoes.

You are already such your own little person. You have toys you love (thank you Courtney for the little dog you can't live without) and toys you hate (I don't know what Nana was thinking with a pink poodle rattle). You have foods you like (mmm oatmeal mush) and foods you hate (eww prunes... I'm not 90). You have clothing you love (is it possible to wear a hoodie with your footsie pjs) and things you try to pull off as soon as I put them (socks are for sissy boys).

I'm amazed by you every day. You stay with Auntie a few days a week now and sometimes when I come home and you hear my voice you start to fidget and whine. I feel the same way... like I've waited my whole life to see you ... not just a sulky 8 hours. And that amazes me... how brilliant, lovely and charming someone so small can be.

Still hopelessly wrapped around your little finger...
Love~ Mommy

Happy Birthday Daddy

When I was little my daddy could give me this look and I'd immediately stop what I was doing because I knew I was in trouble. Now that I'm older he just staged it for a photograph for me at a wedding. Ominous looking isn't it? Except for those bright blue eyes that always had so much love behind them. A big old teddy bear really....

Happy Birthday Daddy

That Familiar Tightness

Last night I figured out that we won't be getting a tax return. That's ok though because in a few months we'll be all caught up. It's just this month that I'm worried about, that familiar space between the old paycheck and the new job is a tight space that feels like it's closing in sometimes.

The hubby as always says "there's a plan, stop worrying about it" but I come from a long line of worriers and it's just in my nature so he chuckles every time I pull out a piece of paper and a pen and hatch out that temporary budget again. What else could he do? Nothing. Just like me he's stuck in what is.

Oh what a different $500 could make right now. But there isn't $500 and there won't be... so instead we'll sit in this tight spot a month or two longer....waiting for the future to become the present and the room to open up.

Back in the workforce!

As to be expected the first day back at work was horribly hard on my both emotionally (leaving my darling daughter) and physically (good god there is a 6 in the morning too?) but I made it through the day with only calling my hubby and my mother once to complain, cry and otherwise freak out.

The second day at work, however, was not to be expected. Suddenly, after a confused and chaos filled first day where no one know where I was going, what I was doing or why I was there I found myself in an office happy to have me, reflective of my skillset, and well...fun to joke around in.

The first day flew by ironically, while the afternoon of the second day seemed to take forever. Meanwhile at home, Auntie who is watching Layla says she's a breeze to handle and Daddy is adapting well to all his time home with the baby now and I'm starting to feel a lot more confident about not calling during every break and lunch hour...not that I plan on stopping.

I miss cuddle time a lot during the day and I suppose I will miss that time for the rest of my life whenever I am away from it. I bet my mother still thinks about my tiny little self sprawled out in the middle the sheets on a hot summer night, and I bet sometimes she misses it. I know I'll never leave for long again without picturing my little baby curled up in a ball sleeping against my side while I rock in my chair.

I couldn't imagine life without it, and I count down to it at the end of the day. I'll count down to it even more at the end of the week. But, it's good for me... and in the end it's good for her.

I Quit!

I know most, if not all, of the ladies in my every other Thursday night scrapbook group read this site. So I'm just going to post this and then you can all read it.

I'm quitting the scrapbooking night. For many reasons really, but the main one is that I don't like how people sort of commit. Seriously, I can never get anyone to say if they are coming or not and even if they say they are coming they may or may not show up... so well... I give up.

I'd rather scrapbook by myself then spend every week setting up tables and calling people only to get another excuse or another false commitment. I'd rather spend my time doing something I enjoy... like watching my adorable daughter learn and grow or making out with my husband.

So if you need me this Thursday... I'll be free as a bird... because I QUIT!

My Laylabug

Alright, I've had a couple people ask me about my daughters site. If I know you, or sort of know you in that been reading my blog forever sort of way and you want to see Layla's blog all you have to do is email me. Most of you know my email address... and I'll send you a link via email and once you're logged on you can see Layla's site whenever you want.

If you don't know my email address leave a comment below with your address and I'll make sure you get the link.

Also I know some people's work emails send them to the spam filter so some people I sent them to I got them back for. If you have a non-business email... those are best.

The J.O.B.

I got the job. I start Monday. I'm super excited about having a job and a tiny bit heartbroken about leaving my little girl all day long. But, she'll be staying with Daddy and Auntie Mel every day so I know she'll be loved and taken care of all the time.

The job is for a Chiropractic office. The pay is good, there is a bonus program and benefits.

Looks like all my ducks are finally getting into those rows I keep imagining in the back of my head.

In the meantime I have a week with my darling daughter. A week I plan to enjoy as much as possible. So if you don't hear from me it's because my hands are full of babies and my lips are giving kisses...

The Waiting Game

So the job that I was told I would know about by the end of the day Friday, said oops...make that Monday (all day Monday) and then whoops...make that Tuesday. So today is the day I hypothetically might find out if I have a job.

Gosh I want to have a job all stinkin' ready.

Date Night- The Recap

Looking at this picture taken before my first date night with the hubby since the baby was born you can see it in my eyes. I'm reluctant. I'm scared. I knew at the start of the day it would be a hard thing for me to do so I made sure that by the time the hubby got home I had confirmed the Grandma babysitting arrangements and gotten changed. My makeup was on and my hair was done, I knew I looked presentable but secretly I wondered if people looking at me would think... Gosh I can't believe she left the baby at home.

PPA- Post pardum anxiety is a huge part of my life still. It sits there under the surface taunting me. It was the force that put the cell phone on the table all through our romantic dinner at Vito's and the looming feeling that made me check my cell phone for messages during our 3 wonderful desserts even though I knew I didn't have one.

I made it though, I made it through dinner and our shared desserts. I made it through a few games of pool before it started distracting me from my game. I even pushed it aside long enough to run to target. But when I got home at 9 all I could think about was holding my daughter and smelling her hair and feeling her warmth against me.

Next time will be easier. It has to be. But boy that first step was a doozie.

Once Again Waiting

God must be trying to teach me that patience thing again. I am once again waiting to hear from a job. They said I should know by Monday afternoon. The interview went well...and now I just wait some more.

The New Look

So I've been thinking about changing the look of this blog since before Christmas. The truth is the color on the old one was kind of dark and although I like dark things... it was a little weird to look at from your desk at work or to read late at night in your office at home... so I lightened things up a bit.

Also you'll notice the links have changed... no people did not accidently get deleted. I cleaned house... some people I read more than others... these are my top 10 links on the left. The other people I might still read but until they make my top 10 I'm not putting them on my template.

I hope you like the changes.

Trying to Make the Cut

Tomorrow sometime I'll have another interview. Once again, it's me and one other person. We are opposites in what we offer, the other and me. I have tons of office management experience and no medical experience. She has medical experience and no office management experience. They tell me it's a 50/50 shot. And I'm trying not to get my hopes up because the last 3 months has taught me that I'm really good at making the top 2 or the top 4 or the top 5.

So far my acceptance letters still far outway my rejection letters but in the end I'm always just a little not enough and that scares me.

So tonight I pray, just like every night that tomorrow will be the day that I find the job that keeps my family secure. Tonight I pray to keep myself from being nervous. Tonight I pray that my hopes don't get too high and that if I'm disappointed my low won't be too low. Tonight I pray for hope... until at last my eyes find rest.

2007 the review

So I've been seeing a lot of these up on blogs and I'm a sucker for peer pressure so I'm going to do it because everyone else did it. And yes, I proved in 1998 that if all my friends jump off a bridge I will too. But enough about 1998...let's get back to 2007...

I learned that you love someone you've never met and mourn them when they die.
I learned that Drs are wrong.
I decided some people aren't good to travel with and some are even worse to stay with.
I accepted a leap of faith that left me wondering and then later awestruck.
I acknowledged Valentine's day by praying for new life in my family.
I spent my birthday in Disneyland with friends... most of the time on bed rest or in a wheelchair.
I paid things off only to make even bigger debt later.
I remembered why Springtime is my favorite season.
I developed a relationship with lot's of new inlaws.
I celebrated 2 first birthdays, 3 births and 4 weddings (even though I only made it to one wedding)
I watched friends marry and I listened to marraiges being tested.
I skipped the fireworks to play liars dice in my bathing suit in the dark.
I rejoiced in good food and good friends.
I forgave but I didn't forget to bring someone back into my life... twice.
I gave up on a birthday gift in order to be an adult.
I made up for it with an awesome party with family and friends.
I gave birth and everyone lived to tell the tale.
I focused on breathing through it.
I sarcastically had other breath with me.
I regreted the first day but have cherished every day of the 3 months since.
I was baffled by the forgiveness and grace of some.
I was hurt by the abandonment of another.
I shed tears of joy at the sight of a first smile.
I wept tears of fear as I set myself back into the world of the unknown.
I looked for dream jobs, day jobs and then any old job that paid well.
I planned and then I broke plans.
I gave someone hope.
I gave someone else all the time they wanted to talk.
I took more than I gave sometimes.
I remember what it was like to play like a child again.
I made lists and I crossed off the items one by one.
I celebrated Christmas like I really meant it even when I really wanted to beat someone to death.
I dealt with God's love for me even when I could not surrender to it.
I watched a son forgive his father.
I watched a father become a grandfather.
I watched relationships change as a baby came home.
I revealed in the smallness and closeness of a few as the new year came again.
I wondered how much I'd forgotten and felt blessed by how much I remembered.

When Potlucks Grow Up

I have been giving a lot of thought to starting a food club. The food network did a whole special before Christmas on groups of people who got together every month for the sole purpose of loving food and cooking. Gee...that sounds like my kind of gig doesn't it.

So I think I might start one and invite my family & friends. Anyone young or old could participate. It's like a potluck with cool monthly themes. Like for instance one month could be Greek food or Spanish food... oh or comfort food...

So what I'm looking for is some themes... and of course willing participants.

Anyone out there want to eat?

Resolutions

Anyone who says they don't make New Year's resolutions is probably fooling themselves. We all have that thing in the back of our head that we think... "yep, this is the year". So what are your New Years Resolutions?

This year I made 5 resolutions (which probably sounds like a lot but I figure I've got a 20% success rate on these things so maybe if I am lucky I'll do one for a whole year). I don't believe in resolving for things like losing weight or quitting something I currently do because if you need a new year to force you to start doing something like that... you're going to quit before too long. So this is my list... a very adult list...

1. Find a job I like that let's me still have quality time with my husband and daughter.
2. Take an active roll of being more affectionite when I feel lovey dovey. (Seriously I'm just lazy and I always have been)
3. Try to pay of debt efficiently by having more things here at the house and less things at restraunts... that means parties but also just dinner.
4. Take a trip...even something small... every single month. I used to take a lot more day trips or weekend trips and even with money tight you can still get out for a day... so that's the plan.
5. Spend more time with other adults. I've only been a mom for 3 months and I feel that pull already to hang out with my friends occassionally or just be wild and crazy.
4.

To Layla @ Three Months Old

Yesterday you turned 3 months old my darling daughter and you celebrated by getting up for no reason at 4 am and carrying on with your day like you couldn't understand why I was so tired. It made for an interesting day and you and Mommy were both in bed by 9 pm.

This morning you woke up and your socks were too small... a little growth spurt to celebrate your new month I guess...and it's about time because you've been in new born socks for a very very long time and you're already past 0-3 months but your clothing and socks still fit just right. Except for jammies... your leg/torso length means you had to go up a size in jammies and now you swim in them because you really are quite thin...lucky you... you got Daddy's metabolism (I think he wants it back... but you can keep it just don't tell him I said it was ok).

Your very athletic for a 3 month old. You've been rolling over for over a month now and you can hold up your head whenever you want to. You're very alert and have great hand eye coordination. You are the only 3 month old I know that can hold your own bottle (when you are in the mood), grab a swinging toy and pull it into your mouth or throw it, kick things with your feet to get them to where you want them and you do it all without losing your smile.

You are a VERY big flirt. You smile at everyone. You especially like people who make silly faces, sing songs or who have access to your pacifier. You giggle and coo when mommy sings row row row your boat and you like to snuggle in for a nap to the tune of amazing grace.

You still have a few things you don't like. The crib is at the top of that list. You sleep every night in a play pen next to Mommy's side of the bed because frankly you just don't like the crib. You also don't like cats...they make you itchy and it seems you've already figured that out. You don't like it when Cousin Aiden yells or when you hear another baby cry. We call it sympathy crying and you do it often.

And there are a few new things that you definitely like... sitting up like a big girl and looking around with little to no help from us (maybe a hand to hold on to or a couch or hand behind you), bath time is your favorite because you like to kick water at Mommy, when Daddy makes silly faces at you in the bed in the morning and the new sensitive tummy formula (thank god no more smells bad soy).

You loved Christmas, the lights and the sounds kept you very entertained. You even liked the new stuff and all the pictures Mommy took of you in your Christmas dress only upset you a little.

You are definitely still our little drama queen who likes to be clean and entertained and you've still got us wrapped around your little finger (Mommy more so than Daddy) but in this month you've developed a love of playing on the floor by yourself and watching the Mickey Mouse Club House in the morning. That's all you baby girl and I can't wait to see what else is "all Layla"

Moving On

One of the hardest parts about being on the hunt for a job while having a new baby is the fact that you always feel guilty about cheating someone. I'm always juggling something...sometimes multiple somethings at the same time. I hate to juggle but I'm really good at it and then I get so used to juggling that I forget that I always had the option to just set everything down and take a good look at it before I decide which things are worth keeping my hands full.

I think most mom's feel that way. It doesn't matter if you're staying home or going to work. I also think that if you are staying home you secretly sometimes day dream about going back to work and if you're at work it's natural to zone out thinking about how nice it would be to just be home. It's the same way looking for a job. Each posting I look at I day dream for a second about what it will be like to work there and what it will be like not to be home with the baby all day. It's my little fantasy world where I get a shower before my husband comes home from work and where my ass looks great in my slacks and high heels. Then someone in the next room needs me and I move on.

I feel like I've been just rolling with the punches lately and last night I had a nice long talk with the hubby. Like most female driven talks it was mostly me crying about things he can't fix and him wishing he could fix things beyond his control. Then I got up this morning and I started moving on. That's what us mom's do. For a second I stopped juggling and now... I've picked a few things worth keeping my hands full and I'll be working with those.

Looking back @ Layla's 1st Christmas

I really thought I would post more this Christmas season being as there would be so many things in the babies first Christmas I thought I would want to remember...but I didn't post. I was looking for a job and looking for a deal or looking for a recipe and looking for my lost serving platter. I was looking for something everyday...sometimes more than one something at a time and my requests for a simple first christmas to remember flashed by and found me looking back at a bunch of things I wish I could have done differently. I suppose that's why God makes sure that you and the posed pictures are the only things that will remember that first Christmas with your child. So you can learn from your mistakes and you won't spend the next 50 years living down the teasing of your first born.

You see all I really wanted this year was a structure to my celebration so I wouldn't feel like I was rushing from place to place and thing to thing but wouldn't you know it from Thanksgiving right through last night it was just one stumble after another. Families changed plans multiple times and numbered RSVPs changed up and down as fast as a yo-yo on a string. My OCD like desire to just know where I was going and why I was going there left me praying in the bathroom more than once during this "celebration" of God and Family season.

I can't handle some things that are new to my life. As always blending two families together caused a lot of stress all the way around. Combined with a financial strain, a daughter who went through a short phase of not liking anyone but me and an overwhelming love of order. Well, I was doomed to learn by trial and error that you can't get what you want but you will get a lesson or two on things you need during the holiday season.

So this year I say it again just like last year and the year before. Next year will be different, next year I will focus more on the reason for Christmas and less on the marketing, flash, obligation and emotional tension. Of course, I'll forget by next year and by Nov first I'll be itching for Christmas tree lane, Christmas carols and bright colored boxes. But for now, I'm tired... I'm disappointed and frankly I'm a little pissed off.

But, I know it's just me and I'll be over it soon. Soon I'll be looking through the pictures of our night at Christmas tree lane with the family or Layla's first Christmas tree parade and remember how she slept through the semi's covered with flashing lights honking and driving by. Soon I'll smile at the thought of the dinner with Grandpa M and her little pile of presents and the gift she already loves so much. Soon I'll think of Christmas eve and instead of seeing the plans that changed 5 times I'll see the people who loved each other so much to adapt their schedule over and over. Soon I'll see Christmas day with that table set for 20 people and think of how wonderful it was to break bread with my loved ones even if they were all late.

I know it's in there somewhere. Somewhere behind my day after Scrooge emotions which are tired and frustrated there lies a Cindy Lu Who who's singing "Where are you Christmas" and waiting for that It's a Wonderful Life moment when the bells are ringing and in my heart I know that love was more important.

Are you really?

When you tell someone that you're praying for something for them... do you really do it? How long do you do it? How often do you do it? What is the the reasonable expectation for prayer...

You see I'm waiting to hear about the dream job. I made the final cut and I should know by Friday. I REALLY need this job. On a scale of one to ten the urgency is about an eight. I'm scared. I keep telling people...please pray... and they say "of course I will".

When?

I mean not to be greedy but when I say I'll pray about something for you I pray about it every day until you tell me prayer about it is no longer needed...or I see the result... good or bad. I make a commitment. So here I am waiting and wondering... is my prayer enough? Is anyone out there praying with me? What exactly are they praying for?

I find myself wondering. Should I have been more specific. Should I be praying more than the several times a day I am now. Does it even matter if I am praying about it? And I wait.

It's a Fat Girl Thing

I want to vent about something. I know I haven't gotten on here and vented in awhile but I'm ready for a good vent. I'm frustrated... and for once in my life it's not because I'm bitter with God or pissed at myself. I'm pissed at society.



The whole time I was pregnant, every single visit, my Dr would make comments about how he couldn't believe how healthy I was for an "obese" person. My cholesteral never got high, I never got diabetes, I never got high blood pressure (until after my kid went into the NICU). I didn't eat too much, all my levels were good till I got cholestasis and even then I was the "healthiest person with cholestasis" the mid-wife had ever seen.



I'm pissed that a grown man with a medical degree can't see that it's possible to be physically fit, eat well and still be fat. Because you know what, I do eat well.



I'm also a little ticked at an unmentioned member of my family who when I recently mentioned how much weight I lost started talking to me like she was my grandmother about how out of shape I used to be. Are you serious? I know I could out hike her. I'm not strong but I have more endurance than the average person. I could walk for hours without an issue.



I think people forget... I think they forget that just because you jog every day with your double stroller and I don't doesn't mean I'm not up and moving sometimes. I gained a whooping 10 pounds being pregnant and by two weeks after I was pregnant I had lost 55. I put back on 7 lbs but I'm still way under where I started.



Would I like to lose more? I don't know. I kind of like the shape of my boobs and the size of my hips and all though my stomach flab isn't attractive it isn't unattractive appearantly because my husbands a frisky guy most of the time. And even if I did...why is it your business?



What I would like to do is give my daughter good examples of healthy eating. She will not be forced like I was to clean her plate... not even at grandma's house. I don't care how good you think the corn is for a child teaching them to eat when they are full teaches them to clean their plate in societies super size me serving delusion.



Am I part of this fat girl appreciation movement that's sweeping the planet? No. But I'm not part of the group of people sitting on the couch watching biggest loser while I eat my ice cream either. I just don't care. I think that if your happy then you should go right on being happy and if you're not you should do something about it.


I've got other things I'm more worried about.... don't you?