Like a River

Infertility changes the way you view your life. Knowing that something so bleak as death is shadowing your internal organs and preying on your unborn children gives you a great understanding of how fragile life is.

Sometimes you recognize this understanding of how delicate the circle is...sometimes you hear it in your voice as you tell the story of others. You become cautious with your hope. You become careful with your wording. You become, scared.

I never refer to the baby I am carrying as my "miracle child" because although she is a miracle, her being a miracle is not a result of my infertility but instead a result of God's ability to create life. The fact that he can create life is unbelievably cool, but like most things tainted by infertility

I do not think that his ability to create life in me is any better or worse than than he made ants able to carry more than their own body weight or made it possible for penguins to survive despite unspeakable odds.

For this reason, my pregnancy has been spent with me uttering constantly how much harder I expected it to be. I expected what I knew, loss and pain. I did not expect life, or the cycle that leads to it to be so...well... non-dramatic. Perhaps this is why when my sister-in-law acts like the world is ending or my friend complains about her swollen feet I can't help but feel like I've got the inside edge.

While infertility taught me to fear death it also gave me this appreciation for creating life. This weekend I spent a good deal of my time having back labor and whining in the fetal position. But, never once did I feel sorry about it. Infertility has changed me...now that foot in my rib is a sign that someone has feet. And that back labor, it's a sign that a little life in me is about to become a life of it's own.

While my hopes run higher than they ever had, I know it's going to be hard. I know that it will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but unlike the hardness of losing an unborn child or the difficulty of trying to create a life against all odds it will be just a day...a day in my life that I will make it through because I've made it through things just as bad and it too will change me.

Birth will wash away parts of me that I thought were solid ground and it will brush up against things I never noticed about myself. I will wonder at some point after it is all over if I am still the same person. I won't be the same person. I'll be a person changed by life, instead of death this time.