Fit

This picture has nothing to do with the post below I just really liked it.

I thought that I had every right to be offended. I lost a baby, and then my BFF lost her sense of BFF code and dropped off the face of the earth because of her life drama. She had cats to rescue, she was sick, there was a death of someone she knew (but didn't talk to every day) and there was a family full of things to deal with. For a while I tried to hold the torch, I explained things that might have been misunderstood, I tried to call and talk it out, I even sent a few follow up texts checking in on her even thought it hurt desperately that she didn't think once to check in on me.

She took a few things wrong, she didn't take a few hints at all and then about two days ago she flipped out about something that had nothing to do with judging her and despite me pointing it out has not replied or apologized for being shitty since. I've gotten the "I quit", "I'm over it" and "I'm tired of being judged" texts but they were all before I judged her...so then I laid in bed at night and a comment someone else made earlier in the day is haunting me...

When I finally get angry, I can't turn back. It has been two weeks and suddenly I am livid, I am vividly aware, and I am the one that's over it, quitting and tired of being judged. So now the angry she thought I was... I actually am. In fact I am sure I am more angry then she could possibly be and I think I've got good cause to be.

I carried my own burden, I grieved alone, I checked in when I wanted to check out because she wasn't there to be checking in on me, I tried & in many ways I failed. I may not have been perfect but I was honest about what I did and did not feel. I was honest about what I did and did not blog. And I didn't find crap reasons to get off the phone before the conversation was finished, or stop writing back when the topics got hard. But, I think I might be done now.

I keep remembering the last person I loved enough to call my BFF and how he HAD cancer, and he HAD no use of his legs, he HAD a toddler that he was leaving behind and a death sentence medical condition. He went through rough stuff and so did I, but we always kept calling, we kept talking, we kept caring. I didn't use the death of both grandma's, an aunt and a friend to let me slip away. And he didn't let being sick, or tired, or confused get in the way.

And while I didn't compare this BFF to the last one at all for a long time, now that I have, I don't see how it could ever be the same. I mean I know what it's supposed to feel like. It's not supposed to feel like crazy is sending you text messages. It's not supposed to feel like obligation trying to make it not hurt. It shouldn't be one sided and it is. I shouldn't wonder if someone is suddenly on drugs or in desperate need of drugs.

The part the hurts the most is she made me a God-parent and I know that after this post there is a good chance that the crazy will stir up around me creating a fire so big I may never see him again. And I do love the kid to death. But, I don't think it would be healthy for him or my kid to continue to deal with his mom the way we have been lately...or haven't been as the case may be. Drama does not make Mama happy, and when Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

I've decided it was all talk. It was long calls and promises made but not kept that dug so deep into me that I would need a real and honest apology to be ok with it. From best I can tell she doesn't have one of those in her and probably thinks she deserves one as well. And for somethings I do apologize, I apologize for the 1, well now 2, blogs I actually wrote about you. I apologize for not being about to pull myself back together enough to be the one that got over it and put it back together. And I'm sorry that now that I've started to think about it, I've compared you to every friend I've ever had.

I apologize the real way, with no excuses. There is no but's in my version. There is no good reason why I let the anger take me. It is mine, and I own it. I own every non-Christian horrible part of about it. I own it in my prayers for forgiveness and the tears I have shed. No but's... it's real.

I remember the end of high school when our friendship broke for the first time. I vividly remember it and I never talk about it even when she asked. She would cry and say she was sorry but she was doing somethings and going through things at the time and I would tell myself that it was ok, she had a reason. Now that it's happened a second time, I decided that maybe that's just who she is.

And I am who I am...

so maybe that just doesn't fit.