There was a point right after I became a Christian that I looked back on my life before Christianity and thought...Satan is going to be pissed he lost me. I knew at that moment that my converting would not be easy. I knew at that moment that I would be tested multiple times. I suppose what I didn't know is that much like Job and not at all like the prodigal son that I would not be getting a break.
My tests are constant and no matter how much I pray, plea and ask others to help they are my tests and my tests alone. Do I think Jesus is helping me? Not really. I think he's watching me to see if I can be lured away. I don't think he's hurting me. I just think there is something to be said about the fact that some times God wants us to do it with our own willpower, our own skills and our own faith.
They say that you only need faith as big as a mustard seed. I've seen a mustard seed. They are pretty small. I think there are moments where my faith is smaller. I think there are moments when I have no faith at all.
I acknowledge those moments here, out loud, because I don't think that enough people do. People tell you to just keep your faith. But you will lose it. You will have days with no faith, no hope, no plan and no more tears to cry. You will have them and they will pass.
Faith is not about believing in something you can not know. Faith is not in trusting what you can not see. Faith is not an emotion. Faith is an action. Faith is what keeps the sinner from the sin just long enough to slip past the spiritual attack. Faith is a choice you make.
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From one who is under constant attack (or at least what seems like it) from the enemy, I am here to tell you that God has faith for you when your's runs out. I've seen plenty of mustard seeds too, and I could have written your post many times.
But here is the truth: No matter what it feels like, you are NEVER alone. He never lets us do it all by ourselves, though I know what you mean. As soon as you accepted Christ as your savior, the Holy Spirit was deposited in you and he is there with us, even when we can't feel Him, every step on this long, laborious journey.
One day, I am certain, we will find that this brief thing called life on Earth will be a distant memory and a small blip on the screen of eternity. I can only imagine. (that song happens to be playing as I type this, so I put it here.)
You are in my prayers.
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