To Find It

What a huge difference a year makes. Last 4th of July I was waddling around pregnant trying to stand off cravings for buffalo wings and ice cream. By the end of last August we had moved into this house. I can't believe we've been in this house almost a year.

A year ago I was facing my first anniversary, my first child, and my first employment crisis. It went so fast. And with it, went the girl I used to be. I thought that girl was a woman...grown up, responsible, independent, witty and attractive but now looking back at all this year has taught me I think I must have underestimated the number of lessons God still wanted to teach me.

Despite being a hard year while I was living through it, now when I look back at it... it was more joy than fear, more hope than crisis, and more love than lecture. Don't get me wrong. There was drama. Relationships and expectations changed forever, some of them in ways that could never be taken back. But, as strickingly different as it is now, I wouldn't change it.

Ok maybe I'd change the part where my husband sleeps in the next room a lot because when he comes to bed the baby and I have sprawled out and taken all the good spots. Or I'd change the a few things I said or did so that my relationships with others could be a little more like they used to be, but who wouldn't do that. I might change the part where I lost the confident woman who was bigger and felt so curvy and sexy because when I lost her I became the kind of person who doesn't even put on makeup most days and can't remember how to flirt.

But, little changes only, the big stuff I'd keep it all. I'd keep the husband who knows most of the time exactly what would calm me down. I'd keep the baby who tried to climb into the dishwasher this morning to get a spoon to play with. I'd keep the friends who still manage to stop by or call. I'd keep the family that can take being called a douchebag and let it roll off their back. I'd keep all the blessed time I've been allowed to stay at home and the glimpse hope that I might find a way to do that forever. I'd even keep all the waiting to keep that part.

I NEVER thought I'd want to stay home. But, each day I am home it grows in me more. I didn't even know it was in there. Don't get me wrong, I'll go back to work. I'll just go back to work a different person. I'll go back to work as a person with a lot of people at home worth going home on time for.

What a difference a year makes!