Tuesday, May 26, 2009


There is no upside to miscarrying a baby. But, if there is an upside to this situation I have two things I cling to more than others. One, is my lovely daughter at home, who I love more than life itself and who is great at being distracting because she is so full of life. The other is my full belief that when you miscarry a baby they get to skip all the bad things in life (mean children in your neighborhood, puberty, awkward dates, moments when you and your spouse don't communicate well, sickness, being too poor, broken dreams, retarded family members and shattered expectations) and go directly to the meeting Jesus part where life is filled with only good things. I do believe that my child won't miss out because I'm sure God has some of the good things available in heaven for him/her to try out (love, hope, honesty, support, understanding, pepsi). I also fully believe that I will see them there someday. My time/their time in heaven will be longer than either of our times here on earth and we'll have plenty of time to talk about everything and be together.
On the less "God in ineffable" sort of viewpoint. I also know that sometimes you just have to keep yourself busy and distracted. Yesterday I went to a babyshower and made sure to focus on the baby. Then I went out to dinner with my mom and daughter because I am too strong of a person to just sit at home and cry all the time.
And, because life likes to make things interesting I've also been dealing with a best friend who's freaking out about her while I'm busy trying to worry about me or something like that. Which, I admit, I don't really understand nor have I taken the time to break apart the pieces to figure out. I spend a lot of time right now thinking about "me & mine" and I'll get busy worrying about everything else when I darn well think I can split my focus again. While I do feel bad that she's having a broken moment, I am in the middle of my broken moment and strongly aware that every time I've ever had a broken moment something like this always happens with someone and usually I'm very distracted by it but I'm choosing not to be this time, everybody has drama and I'm sure she's just as knee deep in hers as I am in mine...which is ok for now.

It would be cruel to say that the second miscarriage was the hardest & thusly this one seems easier. The first time you can tell yourself it's a fluke, but by the second one you know it's you and it's probably going to keep happening to you...for whatever reason. But, by the third one, you know the process, I seem to be grieving and working through it at a fast pace moving very quickly from great sadness, to great anger, to actual greiving and now on to trying to reconstruct life. Not for any other reason than I've already worked through most of the issues with my religion, my God and my husband that come from this horrible thing. I know what to expect, for the most part, from my friends and family. And I know what my body is doing and why.
But, I still really wish there was still a baby in there.
**Note I will kill you if you say there is no Pepsi in heaven, it's heaven, there has to be Pepsi.**


Anonymous said...

I love you guys!!!-Batman

Courtney said...

Of course there's pepsi! Lots of it. And in heaven you don't have to worry about the reprocussions of the pepsi (sugar content, caffeine, etc.), you just get to drink unlimited amounts of it and be happy.

Oh, and you'll get to clink glasses with Jesus and say "cheers!". That'll be cool!

Layla's Nana said...

Heaven ~ The Universe's Biggest Family Reunion

Pepsi and Ice can be found in all fountains, faucets and hoses...
And don't forget, teeth stay white, waist don't expand and boobies stay perky!


Glen said...

heaven, where the taste you need, is the taste you get. weather its Pepsi with a frost raising as your breath hit the ice and your eyes water as the bubbles go up your nose. (you know god loves that! ) or Irish cream in your coffee. its all there!