Friday, May 22, 2009

Natures way

I spent a few days thinking I might be pregnant. I finally got up the nerve to take a test and it was a dud. Instead of a plus or a minus I got 2 blank squares. After several other random events distracting me from getting a new test. I woke up in a pool of my own blood. I hate fertility drugs sometimes and how violent and abrupt they make my body.

I find myself thinking a lot about the natural flow of things. Are we, by trying to avoid my early menopause, screwing with the way things should be. We're not waging war for a baby mainly putting a little effort in keeping my body open to the idea but sometimes it feels like a lot of effort.

I wonder what it would be like to be shocked to find a baby growing inside me instead of crushed month after month when one doesn't show up.

1 comment:

Layla's Nana said...

That's very insightful daughter...
And it's an excellent debate.
You're a believer in God, put it in his hands as he may have other plans for you, you've always wanted to adopt as well.... And right now, we've got Layla Grace, who's becoming quite a lovely little girl, let's just marvel at the good job you and Jon and Erin and Grammi Teri and Papa Glen and yes, even Nana, are doing to help this one very fortunate child know what it's like to be truly and unconditionally loved. That way, when the next child comes into your home, whether through a hole in your tummy or the gates of an airport, Layla will know exactly what to do
I'm very sorry, as I know you're disappointed (I must admit, I try not to get my hopes up at times too) But I think God will send you more children, based on what a great mommy you are!
I love you~