I'm Done

So in the course of the last 72 hours my brother in law has gotten into an accident in my husbands car which is not covered by our insurance, my boss has actually yelled at me in front of others to the point that I cried at work and offered to quit my job if they thought I should, and I have been informed that I will need to take a stress test for the baby.

I am done.

It was one test too many.

Calendaring Chaos

So someone asked for a detailed calendar and I thought I'm gonna post it because it's pretty entertaining. This is weekends only... starting in May...

~May~
5th My Stepdad has a concert here in town
12th Nephew's 1st Birthday in our Backyard
13th Mother's Day
19th Chocolate Festival
26-28th Memorial Day Weekend
~June~
2nd Apricot Festival (My God Son is performing)
9th-10th Hubby is at a Bachlor Party Trip
17th Fathers Day & a Wedding
23rd I'm at a baby shower
29th-30th we got invited to go camping-not sure on that one yet
~July~
7th Eden's Wedding
14th Baby shower- Aubrey Anne's #9
21st nothing this weekend- it's a miracle
28th & 29th Jon's cousin is down, it's the Garlic Festival and it's the Stan County Fair
~August~
4th Wedding for a friend
11th My Highschool Reunion
18th nothing this weekend- it's a miracle
24th-26th Harvest Christian Concert Event at our Church
27th Hubby's Birthday & Sister in Law Due
30th-2nd Jon's cousin down- two baby showers and Labor Day weekend
~September~
1st My Baby Shower
2nd Sister in Laws Baby Shower
8th-9th Our First Anniversary
15th Sister in Law Due
22nd Monterey Jazz Festival
29th nothing this weekend- it's a miracle
~October~
5th My last day at work
12th My due date

Getting the picture? Ya... it's lovely...

16 weeks

I have decided I can wait till my appointment early next week to find out that I am panicing for no reason yet again. Hopefully, today my room mate will pay rent and I'll get to spend my weekend planting flowers in the yard which should be very relaxing...maybe.

So week 15 was crampy and week 16 feels like a whole lot of nothing. Granted I'm only 9 hours into week 16 but I'm judgmental like that.

I have started to wonder if it's a girl or a boy nesting in there. I guess we'll know in less than a month.

Pains

So after the tradeshow test I moved on to the baby I can't feel, extreme stomach cramping test. If it doesn't lay off by tomorrow I might go to urgent care. So far I think I just over did it. I have another appt Tuesday so I'm hoping I can hold out till then.

Today has been a pain so far. Between the cramping, the vomiting from the cramping, the PG & E mishap where my gas got turned off even though I paid my bill and the part where my husband couldn't handle it so I had to do it from work I'm running behind schedule. Behind schedule on a behind week.

I feel like I'm watching a car drive away and the tail lights keep getting smaller and smaller in the distance. In that same way my motivation and dedication today keep fading far far away.

Connecting

Yesterday, I went to a conference for work. The purpose of the event is to connect the people in our county who work in or with technology. At least, that's what they tell me. I personally think this was just another test from God to teach me patience.

This test included repeating bad music on a loop less than an hour long (it was a 10 hour event). I think I heard the song "Downtown" about 15 times. The test also involved a lot of people who were there just to get the free stuff. People who had no interest in technology but a lot of interest in taking handfuls of free pens and bags of printouts they would need. A test with cement floors, loud speaker systems, long hours and a good block long walk to unload the car (with heavy boxes to carry) over multiple trips because the gate was locked during setup.

A test which I think I passed pretty well. I got a few good leads and a few people who have already contacted me even though it's only 9 am the next morning.

Today is Administrative Professionals Day so thank your favorite Secretary. As someone who manages an administrative team I can tell you a little praise goes a long way to connecting you to the people around you.

Marked for Life

It's official. I got my first stretch mark. Yes, I know it's early. I'm only 15 weeks along but I'm telling you this kid is out to prove it's in control. I went to bed last night with an ivory belly and woke up today with three perfectly horrific purple lines. On the upside, now I have a good reason to never own a bikini.

Today I'm working from home. Working from home is a whole new challenge for me. I love it because I get more done but I hate it because I can't be a mother hen over my staff if I am not in the building. God is prepping me for maternity leave I guess.

Speaking of maternity leave. How long did you ladies take off? I can have up to 120 days. Which is close to four months. But I am thinking of 2.5 months off...which would put me returning right after New Years. I just don't know how much time a person really needs to recover.

Any advice?

280 Days

According to the lovely people that made my pregnancy ticker over there in the side margin, the average pregnancy is 280 days long. Of those 280 days I am officially 37% of the way done. I'm over the 100 day mark (officially at 104 days pregnant) with 176 lovely days of incubating left. Give or take a few days depending on how much Sprout likes the space that's been allocated for growing.

I officially feel like I'm not even close to a third of the way done so when people say things like "wow you're a week from your 4th month" I tend to have to look at a calendar and count the weeks and months before I can agree with them. I guess that's one of the perks of not feeling incredibly sick during the first trimester.

I think the main thing that has dropped my anxiety level is that although I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow, Sprout has already taken to jumping around like a little jumping bean when I first wake up in the morning and sometimes when I go to bed at night. Nothing regular but it's reassuring. Also that baby doppler was the smartest thing I ever bought. I bet it's been a month since I talked to my husband about fears of miscarrying.

Now my big fears revolve around having savings, planning ahead and finally picking a paint color for the crib and baby room furniture. Coffee brown, chocolate brown or white? I can't decide. No really, I can't decide.

In another 4-5 weeks we'll know if sprout is a flower or a fern. I talk about that step like it's a non-reality. I can't fathom knowing...and yet I can't wait to know. So instead I'm going to start forcusing some energy on my sister-in-law's baby shower as soon as she lets me. That will be nice and distracting for at least 20 of the 176 days I have left.

If that doesn't work I can always pay attention to the fact that the hubby and I have plans every single weekend from now until the 14th of July. But, where's the fun in that??

Little Lesson #2

Little Lesson #2: Stupid people are everywhere. You are probably one of them.

Let me start off by saying that I hate the word stupid. I think stupid is one of the most demeaning and awful things you can actual call someone because I personally believe that every single person has something in their life that they are stupid about. Seriously, some people have no common sense, some people have no sense of humor and some people have no sense of logic. For some of us it's math and for others it's the ability to hold an adult conversation. So calling someone stupid is like telling them their human but in a hateful way.

Having said that... we're all stupid. I know I just explained that but I think we really forget. We don't put our kids in certain schools to avoid stupid people, we complain about the stupid people at work and we hate the stupid people at the store. But sometimes, I guaranty, you are the person that someone doesn't want to see coming or the cause of an explanation no one wants to give.

Everyone has done something blatantly stupid in their life. Probably multiple times a day, if we're honest, we do something lame & stupid and just don't admit to it.

To clear the air on my own stupidity I'm going to tell you a real life true story about me.

A few years ago, I was dating a guy who sometimes did some sales type demonstrations in our home during the winter months to make extra money. This particular winter we were desperate for money so I scrapped the money for a dinner party and we invited some of our best customers over to eat.

Half way through cooking dinner I changed into my nice clothing and called the little old lady across the street to tell her we'd be having company. She was the kind of little old lady that would come over if she saw a lot of cars and I didn't want her to worry. While on the phone with her I noticed my Beef in wine sauce was a little dry so I grabbed a bottle of wine off the counter, opened the lid to the pyrex pan in the stove and poured more wine on top of the roast.

I was probably 3 seconds into my pouring when my own stupidity flashed before my eyes. At that very second that the F word left my mouth a loud bang errupted in the kitchen and small, very hot, balls of blue glass began to project out of my stove. Hot glass flowing with great force knocked things off the counter, bounced off my clothing and rolled along the floor. The roast fell into the bottom of the oven, along with it's side trimmings, and began to smoulder on the bottom of the stove and I dropped the phone which shattered into about 15 pieces.

I had poured cold wine on to hot glass. I then stupidly bent over and tried to pick up a piece of glass with my bare hands, forgetting how hot it would be, and let out another yelp. I ran out of the kitchen to get some shoes and by the time I returned the kitchen was amass with smoke and broken glass.

I had 45 minutes. In 45 minutes my guests would arrive. I turned on every fan and opened every window. I swept up hot glass and tossed it into the sink to cool so I could throw it away. I got the roast into a trash bag and had someone take it to the trash. Then I muttered to myself and I followed them cleaning up the trickle of bloody/wine stains they left along the floor. I stopped at the door and went back to the chaos of my kitchen.

The temperature in the house instantly dropped to artic. The smoke finally started to clear and I started to panic. I whipped up an alternative pasta dish using shrimp from the freezer and random stuff in the pantry. I changed my clothing and the door bell rang.

The guests where there. I had made it. I sighed my relief sigh. Ten minutes into the sales demonstration the door shook with violent knocking. The local police department (guns drawn) pulled me through the door when I opened it and then called out my ex making him get on his knees with his hands in the air.

Meanwhile, a female officer is looking at my burnt hand and the blue glass bruise on my face and telling me it's ok to tell her what happened. My guests where terrified. I was mortified.

The little old lady across the street had heard the explosion on the phone and tried to call back. When the phone was dead she assumed the sound she heard was a gun shot and came over to look for me. Peeking through the window she saw the boys wiping up blood (wine) from the ground and carrying heavy sacks dripping with blood (wine) to the trash. Then the trash can steamed (from the heat of the food) and she got scared so she called 911.

I have never told that story before. It makes me feel stupid. But I am stupid sometimes so I think now is a great time to be honest about it. What's the stupidest thing you've ever been not caught doing?

My Week

So Monday was a typical Monday but Tuesday...well Tuesday took a turn for the yucky round about 8 am. I overslept. I cut myself shaving in a hurry in the shower, I spilt something on myself before I left for work and had to change and that was all BEFORE work.

Work was drama filled. It included someone trying to quit, training someone to do something only to find out they wouldn't be doing it and a lot of time spent wasted because my email was down for most of the day. By the time I got off work all I wanted to do was go home and watch tv.

And then God looked down at me and laughed. The TV stopped working for no reason and the hubby and I spent our evening moving money around, rebudgeting and trying repeatedly to buy a TV. Costco was out of stock, Circuit City was too expensive and everyone else had a crappy selection.

We ended up getting home around 9 pm after being in Walmart (yuck) and getting McDonalds (double yuck).

Today the hubby spent a good part of his day trying to find a TV and ended up driving to another town to buy the one we saw at Costco. Luckily we had the option to sell some stocks to get a new TV otherwise we'd be going without.

Today at work there was drama, followed by celebration, followed by one of the girls in the office taking teasing personally and getting bent. It ended a lot like yesterday without someone trying to quit while crying in my office.

I think it's ironic how God is testing my patience while making me high risk so that I have no option then to roll with the punches because the alternative would be bad for Sprout.

Stupidity Strike

I had this great post written. It was actually about stupidity which I think is one of those little things people forget about themselves. Of course, as irony would have it I did something stupid today and I ended up without internet access at work for 3 hours because of it. For this reason, there won't be a stupidity post till tomorrow.

How stupid is that?

Little Lessons #1

I was thinking about the things I want my child to know when they grow up. There are several things I hope my child will know. I hope they will love others well. I hope they will be respectful of others opinions. I hope they will love God with all their heart. But those are all big picture things and lately I've been thinking about the little things. I decided I could get a couple great posts out of talking about the little things I hope my child (and possibly a few other people) will learn from knowing me.

I'm calling them the Little Lessons and while the title reminds me of those Little Mr & Little Miss books that where around when I was little I'm hoping I can put an adult spin on things and avoid cartoon happy face pictures and names like Mrs. Naughty. This is my first installment into the little lessons...

Little Lesson #1: Everyone's time has value.

It doesn't matter how much money you make, how busy you are, how many hours you work a week or whether or not you get days off your time has value. It has two types of value; the monetary (how much you could get paid if you were doing something else) and the spiritual (you only get a finite amount of time on this earth and if you aren't using it wisely you might regret it when you run out). The monetary value is the type most people think about, we focus on how many hours we spend at work and how much we've earned our time at home to do what we want. The spiritual, though less noticed, in my opinion is vastly more important.

If you think of your time as spiritual time, or just as surface time on the planet earth, suddenly being able to use all your time doing things you enjoy becomes very important. If you know you're end is approaching and that God is watching you are more likely to seek a job you love, spend time with the people you care about and actively pursue being on the right path. There is something very "in the moment" about spiritual time. Feeling in sync with the time you have, allows you to focus on the little things and to try to incorporate your happiness, fullfillment and enjoyment of the everyday things in life.

Focusing on the little things, as previously mentioned on this site, is what makes us the kind of person we want to be. Lacking focus on the details is something other people notice about you. Somewhere out there is a person who knows you don't help out EVER around the house. Somewhere out there is a person who knows that you can't keep a secret. Somewhere out there is a person who knows you're being judgmental. If you are lucky and you are "in the moment" that someone is probably you. If you're not it might be your room-mate, your boyfriend, your best friend or your mother. But, don't fool yourself people are watching.

People notice what you don't do just as much, if not more than what you do actually get done. Do you know why? Because we're human and human nature makes us want to feel validated, acknowledged and appreciated. When you tell someone you're too busy to help, you tell them that you're time is more valuable then theirs. While they can spend their worthless time doing dishes, mopping and helping fold the towels you will be busy doing something important like sleeping or going on a trip. You didn't stand up and say it. You didn't mean to do it. But you just told someone else that their time has no value. You just turned them a cold shoulder. You didn't do anything and what you didn't do had a massive effect on someone's opinion of you.

Giving another person's time value is really easy. It's the little things that make a person feel that they are loved. Did you help someone even though you didn't HAVE to? No one has to. But, I'm sure they noticed that you put forth the effort. Did you communicate with someone in a way that made them feel respected? While every "nevermind", or last minute flake is noticed so is every single person who never fails to be there when you need to cry and every person who shows up when you're feeling frustrated. You know they'll still come because they are doing the little things, they are being the shoulder to cry on and the person to vent your frustrations to. Just because you know you can talk to someone in a mean way doesn't mean it's ok to be a mean girl.

I have a friend, we'll call him Batman, because that's what we always call him. Batman will drop anything if you really need him. He'll help you move heavy objects, he'll distract you with something fun to do, he'll let you vent in his general direction. Batman has a friend, whom we mutually share, occassionally this friend bats him around a bit emotionally. Ten seconds later the same friend can call and need support and he'll help this very same person hold up the great wall of China. Batman's mom & dad taught him about the little things. He knows that even though this person is sometimes mean to him, that doesn't mean that the person doesn't deserved to be loved well. He also knows that other people can see him doing the right thing and they respect his ability to love well. We admire Batman for the little things.

My husband is also a big time "little thinger". If you call my darling hubby at 3 am and need a ride from Fresno to Turlock, he will drive from Turlock to Fresno to get you and then drive you back home without batting an eye. He will also drop things at a moment's notice to help you recover from the latest twist in your family drama. He's been known to use his only day off to help someone with yardwork or a task at their home that there wasn't a man around to help them do. I'm pretty sure sometimes he does it with that frustrated "don't talk to me" look in his eyes but he knows that people watch the little things and he still shows up to do them.

Me, I'm a work in progress. Sometimes I'm totally willing to do the little things for you. I'm willing to talk to you about the same thing for the 45th time even though I know you're going to complain about it again the next time it happens. I'm also willing to cook for you, entertain you and let you hang out when you are bored. My big motivation is usually that I know God is watching me. He's looking at my lack of patience and my complaining nature and he's saying well... at least she's trying on the little things.

Because Penny Said So

My Aunt Penny (may she rest in peace) used to drive me crazy. I think our similar personalities combined with our mutual love of control put us butting heads from when I turned about 18 on. But, before that time she was a major influence in who I became (thus our similar controling & planning personalities).

One of the things my Aunt used to say all the time was "it's the little things that tell a person who you are when no one is around" and I never understood how right she was until after I became a responsible adult. I remember the first time I drove 15 miles through the country with stinky trash in my car to find a trash can so I wouldn't litter. I remember the friends in the back seat making jokes and fighting the gag reflex. I remember hearing a voice in the back of my head say "it's the little things that tell a person who you are when no one is around."

I vividly remember that day often. It haunts me, along with the phrase, on the days when I hold the door open getting drenched with rain, let a slower driver merge in front of me in traffic and when I bite my tongue when I want to verbally lash out at someone for doing something I have no right to judge them for.

It's not that I don't make mistakes. I'm human. Sometimes I do things even when people are looking that I regret or are ashamed of later. But I try. I try every day to make sure that some of what I'm doing is going to have a positive effect on those around me. I picked my husband because even though I know he doesn't hear Aunt Penny in the back of his head his integrity is strong and he is always trying. Perhaps he hears someone else telling him to do the little things I've never asked.

What I struggle with lately are the people who have no voice in the back of their head. I used to pride myself on thinking that I knew that just because someone was raised differently didn't mean that I was raised better. Now, I have a person in my life that makes me feel that I was raised better and that prideful statement makes me ashamed. It's a little thing, and although she doesn't know I harbor that feeling, I know it's there and it tells people who I am when no one else is around.

How do you tell someone that you notice the little things and that you are judging them for them? How do you tell them that you are sorry without negating the fact that they need to be brought to there attention and fixed? How do you do the right thing when you know it will come out the wrong way?

How do you become the voice in the back of someone's head saying "it's the little things that tell a person who you are when no one is looking."

14 weeks

According to pregnancy webpages today Sprout looks a lot like the baby above. Tranquil, laying in a little pool of fluid, growing in peace and enjoying the warmth of my body. Not my sprout, Sprout has suddenly taken to bouncing around behind my belly button. Sprout's a small flutter similar to someone giving your butterfly kisses on the inside of your stomach. Sprout makes me want to scream and itch.

I admit I'm pretty lucky as a pregnant person. It scares me that I don't have symptoms sometimes, but for the most part I am blessed. I am blessed with heartburn, exhaustion (but only after 9 pm) and burping. I tend to only throw up when the dishes smell funny in the sink and I have to walk past them, like this morning.

For some reason my subconscience has started calling Sprout a he. But when I dream I dream of a girl in pink socks. I guess we'll just have to wait until the next sonogram to find out for sure.

Dang I'm Good

Today was one of those work days where you know you're good at what you're getting paid to do. I was on a conference call with my Cisco Rep at work and while talking to her it came to my attention that I knew what I was talking about and she didn't. She & I started our positions at the same time. It thrills me to know that I'm learning things and retaining them. I guess I didn't notice that was happening until today when it became abundantly clear.

Tomorrow is Friday. I know you already know that. But I've been telling myself that ALL DAY LONG. Tomorrow is Friday and that means you're almost done with another sluggish week. Almost done. The hope in that statement is shrill with excitement. It's almost time for a nap filled day in my pjs and a pedicure. I can't wait... I'm so ecstatic.

One of the girls on my team is really exceling this week. I would like to reward her. Several options have come to mind but I think I might just have to use her as an example of good attitude. That also makes me happy. I trained her myself and I'm overjoyed with how good she is also getting at her job.

Good things are happening all around.

Rainy Days are Here Again

This morning I woke up to rain coming into my bedroom window and hitting my in the face. I live in CA it is not supposed to rain on my face in April. We don't have April showers.

I laughed at the irony of the rainy day as I said my morning prayers in bed hitting the snooze button a few extra times. Last night was full impact. My roommate lost a dear friend in an accident. He was a police officer who was well loved and respected by his family, community and church. She took it very hard.

The night went calm as we eventually stopped talking about it and started watching American Idol and eating snap peas (I get the inside and she gets the outside) and I marveled at how much like a mom I am starting to feel. I was so prepared to be calm that it never crossed my mind to cry.

This morning, with the rain coming in the window, I wept a little... not for his flight to heaven, or for his family left behind but instead because I now know in my heart that he is in the grace of God and that made this the first death in a long time that didn't scare me out of living.

Being a wife is hard

One of my sister in laws and I had a long talk yesterday. The short version was summed up in a line of email she sent me today. "Being a wife is hard"

Sometimes you don't have something comforting to say. Sometimes, even if you had something comforting to say you just don't want to say it. And better yet, sometimes the things you think will be comforting don't help at all, instead they make matters worse. Sometimes, being a wife is hard.

My grandmother's only advice on marriage before she died was "never fall out of love on the same day" and I think it's the smartest thing anyone has ever told me. First off, it acknowledges that there will be days when you don't feel like loving someone well. Secondly, it sets up the expectation that there will be days they are really frustrated with you. But mostly, it's just the natural flow of the statement. Sometimes being a wife will be hard, sometimes being a husband will be frustrating, if you're lucky... it just won't be at the same time.

It's worth it. The frustration, the lack of comfort in the unknown, the challenges and the days when you don't feel it are all worth it. It's worth knowing that you're both taking the active effort to play on the same team. It's worth it knowing that just because someone is frustrated doesn't mean they stopped caring...after all they care enough to be frustrated.

Yesterday might have been a hard day. Tomorrow might be mission impossible. Being a wife is hard. But, it's totally worth it.

My husband and I don't fight. Not really fight. We talk ...and talk...and then talk somemore... and then we talk about talking about things we already talked about. We're long winded and it's a huge benefit to our marriage but somethings are hard to talk about. I'm grateful that we talk so much. I'm blessed with a husband who is open most of the time. But sometimes, even with a great husband being a wife is hard. But then again, what in life worth doing isn't hard.

At least we know a few other wives to talk to about it.

Planners Anonymous

I think they need to make a group for people like me. Control-freak-o-holics has a nice ring but they'd probably call it something more passive like Planners Anonymous. You see the problem with people like me is that we're really good at getting things done, when you let us get them done, that is.

I hate to wait. I hate waiting for late people. I hate waiting for my turn. But mostly, I hate waiting for other people to make up their mind and tell me what they want me to do. You can tell me to do nothing. I'm totally ok with that. But don't tell me that I might be doing something then proceed to wait several months not making up your mind. It drives me crazy.

Everyone's time has value. Your time is worth a lot to you and my time is worth a lot to me. When you make me wait for you to tell me if my time is taken I lose a lot of opportunity to book my time doing things I like to do... like eating, sleeping and complaining (hey I'm pregnant and I'm honest about it).

I'd really like to be planning my summer. (Booking the dates, lining up the appointments, scheduling much needed time to sit around all day in my pjs) I just can't do it. I know it's not all their fault, some people aren't like me and can't plan a date for their wedding, bridal shower, baby shower or vacation several months in advance. That is why I need that support group.

I need a place I can go to when you can't even pick a date on the calendar, where the other people will understand. I need a bag to breath into, a calendar covered with writing and someone to tell me it's ok to want to be ahead of the game. I need another planner.

Easter Times A Comin'

This morning I woke up with the fabulous idea of starting all my Easter food prep nice and early before the California sun made the house warm and before the laziness of a Saturday at home in my PJ's put me into a couch coma.

So far this morning I have cooked a giant pot of pinto beans, prepped 12 people worth of BBQ chicken halves, deviled eggs, prepped asparagus, stuffed mushrooms and assembled a key lime cake. And right now? I'm done. There are some dishes to do and one floor to mop and then we'll be ready.

The hubby prepped the yard for a BBQ and I prepped the house. We even have Easter cookies. It will be a small celebration. But I'm looking forward to it.

Here's hoping your Easter is filled with love and good food.

13 weeks

Hi my name is Allie and I'm in the 2nd trimester. I can't believe that in 6 short weeks we'll know if we are having a girl or a boy. Suddenly, as if from no-where...that hope God has been holding for me seems to be flooding in from every direction.

On another note, my sister-in-law has decided that I can have the name Layla. She's picked Faith as a baby name. We love her. Not because she gave us a baby name or because she has great hair but just because we can.

Hey guess what? Easter is this weekend. I know. Exciting. Is it lame to excited about deviled eggs? Shut up. Is not.

Have a great Friday everyone.

Sprout Stats

So today was the 12 week appt. It was a good and fast appt. My OBGYN was out delivering a baby when I got there so I got to see the midwife I never see and then the midwife I always see. Because I switched to a midwife instead of waiting for a Dr my usual 20 minute wait plus wait time till the Dr came back turned into a 2 minute wait and immediately seeing the training midwife. Sweet!

I asked a few questions. I declined a few medical tests that I don't think offer much benefit. She found the heartbeat the first try (147 bpm- give or take) and she said I had about 3 pounds of Sprout in me by now (from rough feel) and I had lost 5 lbs so really I had lost about 8 lbs of me. She said to eat more. Then she sent me home.

She did pull me off the "high risk list" and put me to "medium risk" which means I should limit my heavy lifting of 15lbs or more and no doing the deed till my next appt but I can walk around now and I can breath a sigh of relief. I also came off the prometrium which will be nice because it makes me feel all sorts of weepy.

My next appt is May 2nd. After that we'll schedule an u/s to see if Sprout is a Logan or a Layla.