Running scared

I have to wait. There are 7 days until my first ultrasound and I am seconds away from crawling into the fetal position and crying.

Last time there were blood tests and hormone shots and emergency ultrasounds and this time being as the dr doesn't know when we conceived he's taking the 'let's act like this is a normal pregnancy' route.

There is no normal route once you've miacarried as many times as I have.

There is too much unknown. Is there someone alive in there? Is there a heartbeat? Is it too early for a heartbeat?

It could be well over 8 weeks or way under 6 weeks.

It's too much prayer and not enough divine intervention and I am losing my cool.

I want to pee on every test strip in longs but know that won't tell me anything until it's too late, if even then.

I just want to cry.