Today my husband had a talk with his mother. The talk basically could be summed up as an ass chewing where she thought we were on the wrong spiritual path. I have been told this conversation was rooted in a couple assumptions she's made...
1. She does not see our spiritual journey. She told him we used to be "such good christians" and now she doesn't know. Part of this arguement was that I am currently "angry with God". And we haven't been doing a bible study or going to church that she knows of.
2. We curse to much and lead a non Christian lifestyle because we have events at our house where we or other people may occassionally become drunk.
Those were the big ones.
I'm pissed. Mainly I'm pissed because I think the worst thing about Christianity sometimes is the Christians who make things about what they need or want to see out of other Christians. Sometimes God needs a Christian with two arms covered in tattoos, or one that swears like a sailor or even one who has been ANGRY and is willing to admit it. You see I used to spend a lot of time doling out advise and passing judgement and one day in a prayer to God I was struck deeply by Mathew 6:5-6
Matthew 6:5-6: "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men....when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret...."
So I've been spending a lot of time praying for things in private (usually the shower if you must know) and not letting the opinions and judgements of others cloud my praying. I'm still talking to my pastor (when I need more help or research material), I'm still talking to my closest advisors (in fact I've even blogged about those conversations here lately) and I'm still reading Christian Materials (see links in sidebar for FaithLifts which is one of my favorites). Through the people I trust I have learned information that was very helpful to my struggles with going to church at the moment.
I don't think ANYONE has the right to tell me how to have a personal relationship with God. In fact when I first knew I was struggling with God my mother in law was one of the people I broke down crying in front of and instead of being like the friends who pointed out Psalm 22 to me she instead waited until later to bring another burden on to my husband and I by having me not only be angry with God but now also angry with my husbands mother in a time of high stress and emotion in our household.
For the record it is ok to be angry with God. I know because it's not the first time I've had real emotion with God and God appreciates my honesty and my love despite my anger. Just like right now how I love my mother in law even though I want to call her at 10 pm and rip her a new one. (If you want to read more on Anger with God Bible studies I recommend this link). You can be angry with God, you can be anything you are with God... because God needs you to want to be real with him.
So I'm not keeping a public tally for my mother-in-law. I don't call her at 11 pm when my best friend and I finish yet another spiritual discussion on the difference between the Christian and Catholic views of God's love and salvation. I don't call her up when I make a Christian offer to a person who needs my help or when I feel I've done something worthy of a God Gold Star. It's not my job.It's not her job either. If I did that, I might start doing it for her praises. And frankly, that doesn't interest me much.
I've also stopped having other people pray for me with reckless abandon. I've decided instead of requesting prayers like making a grocery list I would let others hearts lead them to what they should be praying about. Certain gifts I've seen in myself and others spiritually tell me that the right message will always find it's way to the right person.
So now that I've vented on that subject. Let's go on to the other one...
We've had 4 parties in our house since December. We attended 2 adult type parties not in our house. One we went to together and one Jon went to without me. I didn't drink at either out of those parties... Jon barely drank. He drove others home from one and we left after 1 beer at the other because we had a baby with us. As for the 4 in our house. I drank at 2. One of which I had 3 drinks at (Jon stayed sober it was my birthday) and the other one I had one drink at (Jon's turn to drink his cousin threw a party at our house).
We've also had the same friends over to the house multiple times a week or several times a month (depending on the friend) before and after that event. Usually, no one drinks. You of course wouldn't know that being as you are basing your opinion on the stories people bring home from parties and on the invites which I always put an adult drinking disclaimer in to be safe. I guess that means I'm an alcoholic...when I warn people that there will be liquor in case they don't want to bring their 2 year old.
I do curse a lot. I especially curse a lot when I am stressed out, don't have a job, need money, am angry with God, having health issues and don't feel especially like pretending to be something I'm not so that you won't have something to judge about me. I usually curse about judgmental Christian relatives (you recently made that list...congradulations), people who butt in without being informed (check and check) and things that have no reason to be cursed about ... because words only have power if you give them power... and it's always been part of who I am. I don't however curse in front of babies or small children unless I know their parents do. I am not, after all, going to be the one that explains the f bomb to your 4 year old using two barbie dolls and a water balloon.
My husband says today he yelled at his mother and kept correcting her misguided opinions. I'm jealous. I'm envious that he got it all off his chest to her face. But, I also know that if I got this off my chest to her face I'd also talk about how selfish and childish and judgmental some people are. I'd talk about how un-christian it is to miss a family event because of your wounded pride. I'd probably mention how inappropriate it is to judge a friend of the family by their myspace page or their morbid sense of humor. I'd talk about how it's not alright to not check in our your family when you want an update but instead of calling or stopping by just start forming little stories in your head.
Instead, I'm writing a LONG blog with the comments turned off. A blog about how I feel because that's what a blog is... it's my journal about how I feel. It's not about you. Just like my relationship with God, just like my friends, just like my hobbies, hopes, and dreams... it's not about you.
Next time you want to judge someone... look at yourself and ask... am I doing this for God? Or am I doing this because I want to feel involved.
Granted, there won't be a next time because I'm taking your living room off the safe places to talk about my spiritual journey and chalking it right up next to the crowded couch full of relatives I guess I don't need to ask for help when I am struggling.
