Layla's 2nd Birthday Pictures

Courtney and I both took pictures at Layla's party. As I expected, hers are WAY better than mine because she is AMAZING. So... I'll be posting those later this week for you to enjoy. This one is my favorite and it can hold you over until then. Most of them will be up on Layla's site in the next couple days.

Courtney has been nice enough to accept my begging and pleading and take our family pictures and Layla's 2 year old pictures...not a doubt in my mind that I made the right choice!

Happy Birthday NeNe

Tomorrow is my niece Nevaeh's 3rd birthday and she'll be driving across the country instead of celebrating because that's the day she makes the big move from California to South Carolina with her Mommy and Grammi. SOOOooo... they had her party a teeny tiny bit early...like two weeks ago.

This is a picture of her opening her presents. Nevaeh is a total crack up. She's also got more energy than most other kids which makes her a crack up that keeps you cracked up most of the time.

Happy Birthday Miss Nevaeh! We love you!!

Pictures from her party will be available today on Layla's site for the family too far away to see them in person.

One Last Playdate

In a day or two half of the family is packing up and moving to South Carolina. My mother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece were the first to sign up for the trip and then eventually my brother-in-law, his wife and three boys decided that God was calling them to take a cross country life change as well.

So last night we had one last giant playdate. We met at Taco Bell for dinner and then they followed us home so the kids can play. (Well Ethan sorta just laid there.)

Every toy we owned was systematically examined and pulled out of the toy chest and little feet ran up and down the stairs. It was wonderful.It was also a little sad because it's probably the last time for awhile that Layla will really get to play with any cousins. Especially cousins her own age who like to drum on the piano... a classic meeting of two similar minds.

But we wish them the best and pray for their safe travels and start saving our pennies ASAP so we can go visit.

A Letter to my Daughter

My Laylabug,

You're two. I can't believe you're TWO. I mean it seems like only seconds ago we were praying you'd make it to the next ultrasound or the first contraction at full term and now you're two. There are still little signs of that baby I saw so sweet and chubby in the NICU that first day. Your bright and curious eyes, your charming smile, the sweet way that your whole body melts when you sleep but you are so much more now then that little baby you were then.

I was so scared for you for so long and now you have decided that instead of worrying about being alive you will live your life in a such a way that NO ONE will doubt that you are full of the finest things life offers. If alive had a picture, it would be a blurry one someone tried to capture of you.

You hop like a tigger down the stairs and jump with both feet of every step and into every puddle. You demand quality time, good attention and a taste of people's chocolates. You're full of stories with words that overflow into one another and wild hand motions that convey a life so adventerous and full that it can't be contained.

You are a huge source of entertaining stories. When I told you that I had a baby in my tummy you told me not to eat babies or I'd be in big trouble...then you giggled. You are always giggling. In fact that only thing that you do more than giggle, is run. You run every where. You run just to run. You yell run and then take off like a cat speeding around corners... just to get to the other side of a room...and then you giggle again.

You're also very imaginative. You're always pretending to eat something from your pretend kitchen or to call Nannie on your little plastic cell phone. You act out scenes from your favorite movies and you know all the best lines. The other day you gave your best Winnie the Pooh impersonation and I personally think that they should change the line from "oh bother" to "oh brother" because your way is much cuter.

You are full of playful tests which push us to our limits. How many times can a small person steal your chair or your drink before it's not funny? I don't know. But I'm sure you're trying to find out.

You love movies and stories. You love to color and write. You can count to 13, spell your whole name, sing several songs, and know several of your letters. A genius, your Nannie says. But you don't have to be brilliant, because no amount of brilliance will outshine the star that God put in you. The brilliant little star of life that shines out of you where-ever you go. You outshine any child I've ever known.

It's odd to me the way I look at you now and I see that baby I used to snuggle with in bed. And when I do I pull all your lanky toddler limbs closer and smell your sweet head and I almost forget how grown up you are, then you kiss me and sigh and two seconds later you give me a "no no no that's enough you stoppa that" before you squirm away.

That's what being your mom is like. It's like little tiny moments that try and wiggle away before I can catch them and keep them forever. But though I might miss a few moments while I'm chasing you and trying to keep you safe... I will always love you and I will be keeping you forever. Every memory. In my own little LaylaBug Catcher Jar.

Love, Mommy

Belated Bday Post for Melissa

This is my sister in law Melissa. She's a ray of sunshine. Even when she's being tested 4 ways from Sunday she's probably going to be most likely to say something sweet. She's just that person.

She was the perfect pick to be the first person who ever took care of Layla without me. She eased me back into work by arriving early, sharing lots about her day with the kids and visiting when I got home.

Now she lives Far Far away...but her picture is in Layla's room and we point at it and I say that's "Auntie Mel" and Layla always says "yeah" which doesn't happen with everyone so I like to think they still have a special bond.

Happy birthday Melissa...can't wait to see you later this month and sorry blogger ate your post the first time.

Officially putting my hope on a ticker

Dude Blogger...

Blogger is not my friend. The auto poster ate 3 posts this week and I just now noticed so the following posts will be posted next week when I have a second to catch my breath...

Mel's belated birthday post

Pictures from Nevaeh's birthday

My birthday letter to layla (luckily I saved a copy of this one)

Layla's birthday party pictures (by the way send pictures if you took any good ones)

And a post about girlfriends.

The 2nd Year Slideshow

Taking bets

Tomorrow is my viability sonogram thing. So how far along do you think I am?

Guess in weeks and days... Example: 6 weeks 2 days

Winner gets bragging rights and I will make sure they get the first baby status call.

People who guess non-viable will be turned over to my mother for punishment, I am sure she can come up with something.

You have 22 hours... Ready, set, go!

Spun

I watched this cooking show once when we had cable where the pastries were art made of sugar and heat. What started as piles of sugar sand, hours later had been paddle stirred, whisked, pulled, cooled and reheated until sand was glass. Edible glass, smooth and colorful.

The most fragile and powerful statement an artist can make... Look at me I took ordinary and made something awe inspiring.

This is what it's like being her mother. There are days when she molds me and days when I mold her and together with daddy we are making art. Life art.

We take something so ordinary and we try to apply pressure and tenderness at all the right points to make her more beautiful and in return, from the process she changed us into something that makes me stand in awe.

But the sugar sand was beautiful before the chef changed it from simple purity to complex creativity.

And although the art is amazing it is no more amazing than it was in it's raw form.

But the process defines us, how we create, what inspires, how we celebrate small triumphs and how we handle the frustration of flaws in our plans.

My creation, created me. More was gained from the journey than I saw coming. And it is beautiful.

The 3rd little September Birthday

This is Collin. He's 2 now. Yesterday we celebrated his birthday.

Collin is the most laid back and gentle small child I have ever met. He also does a good deal of damage to veggie trays from what I've seen. He loves cars, trucks, and telling me "hi".

He's a cutie. Happy birthday little man.

(More pictures are available for family on Layla's private site)

The boss of me

She woke up at 7 a.m. She brought a xylophone to our bedroom, got in our bed a tinked out a good morning song.

She came downstairs and told me she wanted tigger. We watched half a DVD and then she brought me a princess movie and said 'ok now I watch nother ones movies'.

She didn't want breakfast but stole my toast and keeps offering me a drink from her milk cup. In honor of my Saturday morning laziness she is allowed to take honey butter toast fingers and sit at her little table and write with a big girl pen.

She counts the scribbles on her paper, always 13, the highest number she can count to. She pretends to princess dance with a pillow case cape. Then makes me write letters, L-A-Y-L-A.

There is a whirl of quick gibberish as she runs to the TV and stops to stair right as the enchanted music sequence kicks up. She giggles at dancing rats.

Later there will be bath time and a cousins birthday. There will be lunch on the run so we don't have to wait later. There will be cupcakes and sharing. Rules. Later there will be rules.

But not now, now I am content to let her be the boss a little bit.

Running scared

I have to wait. There are 7 days until my first ultrasound and I am seconds away from crawling into the fetal position and crying.

Last time there were blood tests and hormone shots and emergency ultrasounds and this time being as the dr doesn't know when we conceived he's taking the 'let's act like this is a normal pregnancy' route.

There is no normal route once you've miacarried as many times as I have.

There is too much unknown. Is there someone alive in there? Is there a heartbeat? Is it too early for a heartbeat?

It could be well over 8 weeks or way under 6 weeks.

It's too much prayer and not enough divine intervention and I am losing my cool.

I want to pee on every test strip in longs but know that won't tell me anything until it's too late, if even then.

I just want to cry.

11 foods

In honor of the count down to Layla's birthday I give you 11 foods she likes and dislikes.

Likes

1. Strawberry Gogurt (yogurts)
2. Graham crackers
3. Chicken nuggets or mcnuggets
4. Steak
5. Spanish rice with chips
6. Scrambled eggs
7. Pancakes
8. Salsbury steak TV dinners
9. Canned peaches that are room temperature
10. French fries
11. Spaghetti

Dislikes

1. Canned vegetables
2. Corn not on a cob
3. Enchiladas
4. Unidentified bites on forks
5. Fruit
6. Watermelon
7. Onions
8. Most ice cream
9. Carrots
10. Popcorn
11. Jello

Layla's top 12

In honor of Layla's birthday countdown I give you her top 12 likes and dislikes.

Likes

1. Cupcakes
2. Dancing
3. Crayons and paper
4. Books for Story time
5. Disney movies
6. People, especially nannie, papa glen, georgie, daddy and mommy
7. Stealing sips of pepsi
8. Adventures outside or at the park
9. Getting your shoes and going bye bye
10. Cow and your pillows at nite nite time
11. Taking peoples seats when they get up
12. Playing in water whether it's a sprinkler, pool, ocean, bath tub or sink.

Dislikes

1. Strangers who come into the house and take a seat
2. Patiently waiting for things
3. Vegetables that are near your plate of meat and carbs
4. The little bad wolf when he blows big wind
5. Getting back into the car seat after long drives
6. Socks
7. Sitting still
8. Not being allowed to empty people's purses just to see what's there
9. When people mix sorted things together
10. Stacked towers of blocks that have not been properly knocked down
11. Not being allowed to rip paper
12. When people go bye bye without you.

Right Now She's Cursing Me Under Her Breath

This is Teri, my dad's girlfriend and Layla's Grammi Scari (she can't say Teri). Right now she's probably using a lot of colorful language to describe me because she just saw I posted a picture of her relaxing on the couch and eating for her birthday picture. But, it's ok...she'll still love me...I gave her a grandbaby.

Teri is Miss Erin (the babysitter extraordinaires) Mommy. The fact that she managed to raise one of the coolest chicks I know means she must be doing something right. Teri like her daughters and son is very artist, forgiving and willing to help out with just about anything. She lives in a house full of people, one of which is my dad who ALWAYS has company. Translation, she's extremely patient.

Happy Birthday Teri!

Bean watch day 4

So today I got to see my general practicioner one more time. Mainly because the obgyn I love doesn't take my current insurance but he does take the insurance I will have after October 1st. To avoid a big bill for the first visit I am going to limp along with my general practitioner for 16 more days.

I had horrible back pain and white blood cells in my urine so he's testing me for hormone levels AND for a pesky infection. He says it's probably my kidney's judging by the back pain.

He is going to get me a sonogram while I wait to make sure bean is developing and see how far along we really are because an educated guess doesn't calm the normally high risk.

Of course some girl in the office schedules those and so she'll call me and get me an appointment when she can. So I wait and hope it isn't during work hours.

In other news, morning sickness reared up today due to a potluck on the other side of the call center. Lucky me.

Bean

When Layla was still in the womb I called her Sprout...I didn't know if she was a girl or a boy but I had a sneaking theory she would be pink. A theory I told anyone who would listen. I called her she from the moment I knew she existed. When I was being less obvious I would call her sprout. Especially here on the internet...she was always sprout here until she got a name.

This would be the first test that I took when I decided we might be expecting another bundle of joy.

I shall call this one bean...

Until he/she tells me what color of bean they are.

13 days

There are officially 13 more days until Layla's 2nd birthday. I'm a little overwhelmed. September is such a busy month for us normally. Add to that an extra birthday that is normally in October and everyone working as much as possible because we could use the money. Well, it's just chaos.

I'm technically doing the smallest version of a children's birthday party I have ever done. To save money, to save time and mostly to save my sanity.

And yet I worry...because I feel sort of like the A team is missing several members. (Not their fault, just the way life works out sometimes.)

I'm *this* far from Pizza in the park with cupcakes. Actually...what's wrong with Pizza in the park with cupcakes? I call dibs on this party idea! *evil grin*

Prayer Request

I spent a month trying to decide what to do. Every time I prayed I was overwhelmed with a sense of "this can not be right" and I prayed and prayed more and I wait and waited more. I am not patient. But, I waited. Because that's what it felt like I should be doing.

I started to make resolve with the inavoidable truth as I saw it. We would be ok. I would be ok. It was ok.

Then the dream came. The dream that said...maybe you should try hope out one more time.

So I tried another test of faith.

Test of faiths cost me $9.95 a box and have pee strips.

This one was a miracle. A fast showing, clearly marked with a + miracle.

This week a blood test confirmed it. In addition to a cyst I now plan ignoring until future notice... I am also growing a baby.

My very own baby who hopefully will arrive sometime near May.

Pray for us. We need prayer. Financially we're ok. Spiritually we're ok. Emotionally we're shocked but ok. Mainly, we need a prayer for strength for the baby & for me as I am usually a high risk pregnancy.

Three miscarriages later though, I still have hope. So many people have their hope lost when they aren't looking. So for that and for little tiny miracles I am thankful. So I pray...and I wait...like life is teaching me to do.

Autumn Scented

I bought a pumpkin cake scented candle. The Paula Deen one. It was on sale for $3 at Walmart. Mrs. Deen reminds me of my Grandma and pumpkin scents are warm and inviting so I really wanted to fill my home with the smell of Autumn.

It was a good purchase. Thanks Paula.

It sort of chased off my overwhelming desire to have Christmas here RIGHT NOW.

Now I just want it to be Halloween. I think I might go to Starbucks on the way to work tomorrow and get a piece of Pumpkin Bread and a white chocolate mocha and start counting down until Halloween.

I just love Autumn. Once the Autumn rain comes it is officially my favorite time of year. I love rain. I love the colors of the Autumn leaves. I love breezes. The cool night breezes have already started showing up.

Last fall I wasn't working. I would stick Layla in fuzzy feeted jammies, tuck her in the baby wrap and walk around outside in the cool air and hum to myself. I love the wind. It stirs me to comfort. Have you ever been so moved you found peace in yourself?

Now when I hum she hushes me. Now when I wrap her she wants to get down and run. But the breeze, it speaks to her too. I can't wait until there are signs of Autumn that I don't have to create with a $3 candle. I can't wait until the breezes calm her and we can enjoy the outside together.

I'm Dreaming of a Sugary Christmas

Jon makes jokes that he can always tell when we've had a good night of talking to each other because it usually ends late with us talking about some holiday tradition. If it's in a 3 month radius of Christmas, we're probably going to cover that at some point in the talk.

We did it again the night before Labor Day. At 11 when I crawled upstairs to bed we were just rounding off a nice talk about what things our families did at Christmas.

My family was GREAT at Christmas. I had Christmas' that other kids dreamed about.

So now I have a kid and I'm always trying to balance AMAZING CHRISTMAS EXPERIENCE with reasonable Christmas expectations.

Jon's family did a very traditional and simple Christmas so I am always bouncing things off him to keep myself in check.

But it's not even Halloween and I'm totally ready to stuff some stockings.

This year she will be old enough to get the concept of Christmas.

I can't wait.

I even dreamt about it last night.

There they are again

Tiny feet...well they used to be tiny. Today I went out with my friend Jen and her baby Mia. Miss Mia has really tiny newborn feet. Yet, when I come home and look at these toes they still look so tiny to me. Two year old feet. Feet with places to go. Feet with dances still to dance. Feet that haven't mastered stepping on toes or kicking butt. Feet that stumble and get right back up and try again. Feet with potential to walk her right into a chance to change the world. Tiny, tiny feet.

It's like 2021 just flashed before me

Suddenly she's so tall and so smart. She'll be standing next to the piano and I think i remember when you couldn't reach those keys or she'll run up to the screen door and wave hi to someone and I'll think when did you learn to have such good muscle control and speak so clearly.

I didn't notice the change while it was happening. Then one day BOOM she's a toddler.

In not enough days she'll be two. TWO. 2. two. two. No matter how I say it, it just sounds so incredibly grown up.

She's marching around on the bed behind me counting and yelling "see it" over and over so I will turn to watch her plop down on her little tushy mid jump.

Oh baby... I see it... I see it and so much more...

Our anniversary

Jon and I got married 3 years ago today. It was a life altering step we both took admiting we'd actively love each other forever.

That was 3 miscarriages, 2 job loses, 1 child with our stubborn temperment, 11 months of post baby anxiety, 1 year of cosleeping, several crazy family members, 1 mother in law who went through tragedy, several friends lost, at least 2 financial crisis' and a dozen financial setbacks, and a huge cut in real life expectations ago.

It was also 1 beautiful daughter, a few friends drawn closer, jobs you like that have bad hours and jobs that let me be home with the baby more, gifts from god, forgiveness, learning that less is more, self sacrifice, and new limits to love growth we thought we'd never see.

And we're both still in till death do us part. We really never fight. We eat dinner as a family every night. I've grown to be comforted by the sound of you sleeping next to me. And I love you more strongly now that I did before.

Happy anniversary Jon!

Oh... I so SEE you...

It has come. That point when you want to give God the arched eye-brow and let him know "hey buddy... I see what you're doing here and the intention was good but come on... I'm so up to my knees already".

And while I know I have a few things coming up that I'm going to have to deal with and I know they are going to make me a better person...

Sometimes...

I just don't want to be the one that makes the effort.

Like a spot on a map

Layla used to hang out on a pillow and quilt made by her Auntie Jenette on the floor while she had snacks and watched TV but being used every.single.day. has not gone over well with the quilt so I put a bean bag chair on her birthday list. I thought she'd get a small one but my Mom said the big ones were cleaner and better when she went to look (and I don't argue with Nannie about these things) so instead she got a big red on.

I call it the spot.

She's been stuck to the spot for 3 days in various positions while doing various things.

The spot is very handy for standing on to reach things, laying on, sitting on to watch tv, and driving cars across. And that's just the stuff she's discovered so far.

It reminds me of a big red dot on a road map.

We are here.

We are at the spot.

Then and now

Last night there was BBQ chicken, watermelon, pretzel salad and the best warm baked potato salad ever.

After mom left, and Layla was tucked snuggly into bed Jon busted out the supernatural season 4 DVD's and we watched some episodes in a dark room with a breeze threw the screen door that would make autumn proud. It was very relaxing.

We don't have cable. It's been a year now. What started as a small hiatus for financial reasons has turned into the norm and even though occasionally we wish we could just pop on the telly and zone out most of the time we are perfectly content with movies and episodes of our favorite shows on DVD.

We also don't rent media. That means we're limited to what we're willing and able to buy or barter to borrow from friends.

And you know what, there are days I am really proud of us for getting rid of something society says we need and instead enjoying time together.

I mean most of the time society leads me around by my pigtails and I can't imagine life without internet and cell phones but I am starting to wonder, how long would I have to go without it to detox from electronic addiction and start enjoying being less attached to the world everywhere I go.

Was the world really a better place in the past or did the onslaught of instant media coverage take what would have been small town drama and make it into large scale panic with scrolling text on the bottom of every channel?

Did what our ancestors didn't know really hurt their immediate quality of life?

I mean sure they didn't know the name of a child abducted 6 states away and what their parents were doing and what they liked to watch on TV and eat for breakfast but, they also got to ride their bike to the park with their friends and trick or treat to actual stranger's houses.

The First September Birthday

Today my mom (a.k.a. Nana Lorrie, Lala, Sis, Lorrie Mae, Maeya, and most recently Nannie) is having a birthday.

This is my favorite picture of my mom and Layla. Mainly because those big wide rimmed hats and visors remind me of my mommy when I was little. She was a yard duty aid and she usually had a big hat, lots of keys with a whistle and a huge smile when I was growing up.

She taught me it was better to be weird then boring. As a result, I am probably one of the happiest weird people you'll ever meet. She taught me to find myself beautiful and confident no matter what I was wearing, what size I was or what the wind was doing to my hair.

She's the kind of person who will let you pretend to tickle her so that the baby will laugh. She'll find you old sheets to make a fort in the trees across the street from the house. She reads the best stories outloud and she is always willing to play a game with you. She makes great fried chicken and chocolate chip cookies.

She's a talker. She's going to be that old woman at the rest home with 500 pictures and nothing better to do than follow people around and brag about her great great grandkids. I know this because she already follows people around bragging about her first granddaughter. And when the kids come to visit she'll dress up and play pretend no matter who's watching her.

My mom grew by leaps and bounds this year both emotionally and spiritually and I'm really really proud that some day she can teach all she learned to my daughter. Ok maybe not ALL the things she learned...but at least the good parts.

Happy Birthday Crazy Lady!

Friday- beats a finger in your eye

All day long at work and all week long at retail joints people have been telling me to enjoy my 3 day weekend. A natural assumption is made by most American's that if you breath air your doing something this weekend because EVERYONE has a three day weekend. Right?

Not me.

I work at one of those places that never closes and this weekend I'm on Saturday rotation. So while loads of people enjoy a camping trip or a mini vacate or even a staycation out back by the BBQ, I'll be at work. Lucky me.
I do get Monday off. But Sunday plus Monday does not make a 3 day weekend and my employee moral is very low because of it.

Listen to me. Bitch. Bitch. Moan. Moan. Whine.

At least I have a job.

So tomorrow I will force my half empty glass to call itself half full.

It's not cancer, or diabetes, or thyroid

This is a TMI post. If you don't want to know...don't read it.

As many of you know I have been jumping through medical hoops since I miscarried in May. I've had several blood tests, 2 ultra-sounds and about 254 million panic attacks that turned out to be for practically nothing.

Let me give you the long list of things that I don't have but have been tested for recently...

• diabetes
• thyroid issues
• cancer that is in my blood
• polyps
• cancer in my stomach
• cancer in my ovaries
• a tubal pregnancy
• cholesterol issues
• high blood pressure
• low blood sugar
• incorrect and constantly changing blood counts
• an actual baby
• low potassium
• metabolism issues
• hormone deficiencies (in many forms)
• blood poisoning or an additional complication from the miscarriage

So that's the summed up list.

I do still have Stein Leventhal Syndrome (or the more severe form of PCOS for those Soul Cysters out there). I also have hair that's falling out, pain, exhaustion, hand tremors, numbness and tingling (thanks to the meds) and no menstrual cycle at the moment still.

Mostly, I have 1 ovary that is atrophied which I've had for awhile and now the other one has a cyst on it. But instead of going away on it's own...it's just hanging out and sometimes increasing slightly in size.

I've been given 4 options. Have a total hysterectomy now and stop worrying about it. Have a partial hysterectomy or the cyst removed now and worry a little because people with PCOS have a higher risk of cancer later. Have the cyst removed now and try to have another baby at impossibly bad odds. Wait and see what happens.

I have an appointment on the 14th where I will see if the medication I am on is helping the cyst go away at all.

Like I said when we took the first cancer test...at least it's not cancer.

Phew It's Hot

It's warm today in the California Central Valley. I do not do well with warm. I spent part of the day fondly remembering how much cooler it was last weekend in San Francisco and the other half interupting myself mid thought to think about ice cream.

Okay now we just process this order and then we click the *ice cream mmm ice cream* damn were was I...

Truth is Autumn is coming. I know that not because the grocery store is already covered in Halloween candy or because the costumes are all on display at the Wal Mart but because in the morning there is moisture in the cool crisp air and the leaves have started to find their way into my yard despite not owning trees.

I'm so impatient. I want Halloween to be here. I want Thanksgiving to be here. I want Christmas to be here. I could use a season with a little magic. I could really use an occassion to break out a comfy sweater and whip up my famous baked potato soup.

I just need a little change.

September starting line

Hello and welcome to September. My name is Allie and normally I would love to be your tour guide but right now I am too busy running around in circles alternating between screaming 'yahoo this is awesome' and 'oh my god we're all going to die'.

So far the first two days of September have brought on open enrollment for health benefits at work and the scheduling of a follow up medical appointment now that we know what's wrong with me.

That's just the first two days though. My mom's birthday is Saturday but I have to work and Sunday is the Newman Fall Festival. By Monday's holiday I predict napping.

The 8th is my anniversary. Do you know we've never gotten to celebrate our anniversary? The first one I was too pregnant and the second one I was too unemployed.

There are several kid birthday's this month including my daughter's tinkerbelle two year old bash at the park. Eventually I caved and handed her the party supply book and waited to see which theme she liked because I just could not decide.

So what does your September hold?