Wheeee

So I had planned an auto-post for Thursday and it posted itself on Wednesday but it didn't really matter because I was tired so I decided not to post something on Thursday. It's not like I HAVE to post every single day...I just like to.

Thursday was an exceptionally long day. I was an emotional mess (it's a pregnant lady thing), we had a couple unexpected obstacles in our day. I came home with swollen feet and someone else's take and bake pizza (it's a long unpleasant story). Needless to say I went to bed pretty early to see if I could lay my grump to rest.

Friday was an equally long work day but when I got home Layla was still at Nannie's and Jon had made me a nice warm bath in a room with candles (yummy). After my bath I laid on the bed a bit and looked pathetic. Then Layla came home and right as I was deciding what to make for dinner we got a call from a friend and we actually went out. Gasp! I know.

Nannie was nice enough to come back and take Layla with her back to her house again. We picked Layla up just after 8 and all the time in the middle was spent laughing, eating and generally enjoying being around other adults. It was AMAZING!

Being as Layla went to bed late (when we got home) she was nice enough to sleep in until 8 today. We're only an hour into our pajama day and that suits me fine. I didn't even mind it much when she stole my cereal bowl this morning.

Shaking things up

This week Jon closes a lot. In fact this post is set to show up on my blog on Thursday but I am writing it on Monday because that's the only night this week that Jon is home. He'll be home Friday night and so tomorrow the blog will be a "live" one.

The thing is, if you know you have a VERY active toddler and you know your darling husband isn't going to be around to rescue you from your swollen baby belly and swollen baby baking feet...well... you sort of have to plan ahead and yet still be willing to shake everything up and drop the plan.

Part of the plan is to make sure that the things that can be done in advance are done. On that list is bill paying, trips to the store and blogging...definitely blogging. That way the things you absolutely have to do...like making dinner and getting enough sleep that you don't pass out at work the next day will have time to spare.

So sorry for the filler blog...but something had to give.

Baby Bean (Anyah) Update

Don't look down...belly view from my perspective at 26 weeks...

My pregnancy with Layla was on the edge of your seat scary. The result was I talked about it ALOT. My pregnancy with Anyah started rough but is still less scary than the first time around so I find that I blog about it a lot less. I mean with Layla there were like 5 or 6 sonograms and several blood tests and I saw my OBGYN more than I saw my parents. With Anyah we're going to be solid with 3 ultrasounds, several blood tests and I only see my OBGYN about once a month.

On my last visit he accidently dropped the bomb that I did test positive for/have pneumonia back at Christmas. He just didn't tell me because he didn't want me to panic. It does explain the day I took a blood test and was then called at work and told to go home immediately and stay there for a week. It also explains the extra long time spent checking for fetal heartbeat at my last visit and making sure Anyah was ok. But, the lung funk is gone now (thank the lord) and all and all it's just baking baby busy over here.

Anyah recently discovered she can torment me in the middle of the night by kicking Layla when she feels her touching me. That's fun. Yesterday I put Layla's hand on my belly and let her feel Anyah kicking. Layla freaked out, she won't touch my belly now...also fun.

This pregnancy is different than last time. At this point I have finally put on 2 lbs which puts me a solid 23 lbs (give or take) below my weight when I started, but we're not done yet. We're at 26/27 weeks (depending on who you ask) and while that feels like "almost done" I remember from last time that it really drags at the end. I personally don't feel like I look like I've lost weight but the pants I bought Jon's birthday weekend that were a little tight...well...now they fall off when I walk upstairs if I am not holding them and I am 6 months pregnant...so...um... I guess at least I must be a different shape.

Occassionally I get the heartburn, but not like last time. This time I get more leg and toe cramps. Totally managable. But, the main difference is that with Layla I didn't get a stretch mark until the end of my pregnancy and then I got 3...exactly 3. This time I look like a zebra. The funny part is that according to the Dr I have more this time because I was a big girl and then I lost weight (so my skin shrunk) and then I changed shape (without gaining but with lots of stretching) and now I'm tight in the tummy section. I sorta wonder what that will look like when there isn't someone occupying my tummy.

And that...is the status of that...

Papa's Birthday!

Both of Layla's Papa's have a birthday in January in the same week. One of them was off being a sixth grade camp advisor (he's a teacher) so he just got a few texts from us and we'll have to see him later. The other Papa...Papa Glen (Allie's Dad) came over here for dinner on his birthday.

Layla insisted on helping make him dinner. She was in charge of salad toppings. She did the sprinkling of chopped produce and assisted with the pouring of salad dressing.

Happy Birthday Papa...hope you liked your home cooked meal!

Wheezies

Starting in December, Jon and I noticed (too often for our comfort) that Layla would start to wheeze after playing. Then for awhile the wheezing seemed to die down. At the end of December (Christmas time) we had a few nights where Layla would be lying in bed, wake up wheezing, cough once or twice and vomit all over the place. Mommy thought it was a bug or all the junk kids eat at the holidays. We modified her diet. But the wheezing stayed for awhile. Then it sort of faded away. In mid January it came back, only by mid January Jon and I started to notice the wheezing was directly related to days we did things with other people. Once in January before bedtime Layla had such a hard time breathing (while sitting) that she was literally gasping. It freaked us out enough that we went from "it's an allergy thing" to "maybe she needs to see the Dr". It took me a little while to react because people kept telling me it was no big deal when I reacted to allergies in the past and I really wasn't ready to pick another family battle over it. But after the gasping night, I decided I loved my kid too much to be willing for even occassional wheezies.

Today had an asthma evaluation. Our Dr ran a set of tests, then he did them again after exercise (mild wheezing) then he exposed her to cat dander (via a scratch test) and had her do it a third time (BINGO!). He turned looked at me and said it's asthma, it's from her cat allergy and she's going to have this for the rest of her life.

I may or may not have cried. I also may have said something along the lines of "I told them so". A progressive allergy, that's what we've got. Jon has a cousin who's daughter has the same problem. While we were there we did a few more scratch tests. It's still just cats. He says it probably always will be but we'll test her again before kindergarden just to be safe.

It's a life of inhalers in purses, liquid albuterol for rescue and medication we take every single day. The daily med will not prevent a cat allergy and I was specifically told we should be avoiding cats and sources of cat dander AT ALL COSTS. It makes her sick. It is not ok. The medication will however help with situations (like church, the library or the park) where there might be people you're not necessarily interacting with who still have dander on them and it's affecting your breathing. It will not cure itchy, uncomfortable cat rashes or hives. It will not help with snot. It's just to regulate her ability to breath when allergens are present.

While it breaks my heart that my baby girl is being medicated. It breaks my heart more that the main reason she has to be medicated is because people don't take allergies seriously and no one listens when mom's say they know their kids. It is your choice to pick an option where you have a cat, it just won't be one with a lot of interaction with us. We'll miss seeing you often. But, a mother knows.

I know my kid.

I also know that because of my kid I am going to become "that mom" and it's not going to be pretty because oxygen is important.

Cocky is Genetic

Otherwise titled as "Yes I know how she got this way" or "I wouldn't have it any other way"

I told her to "be careful" she told me to "close my eyes"

I went to the garage and came back to find the child who was supposed to be napping in the bathroom using her step stool to get Daddy's beard trimmer which she was using to pretend to shave her knuckles (daddy does that)

Not too long ago she was telling Jon a story and he wasn't listening so she gave him a "wait wait wait" with her hand out in front of her and when that didn't work she said "LISTEN"

Yesterday I went pee and usually she follows me but she didn't so I knew I was in trouble. I came out of the bathroom to find that she had moved her giraffe (on wheels) next to her DVD shelf and used it to climb on to the top of the shelf which she was now standing on to reach my pepsi (on top of the upright piano). When I asked her "what do you think you are doing" she looked me dead in the eye and said "I thirsty" *sigh*

She has a smile that I've never been lucky enough to catch on camera. I call it her Jeromy smile because it is exactly like the one he made for the exact same reason. It is equal parts something wicked this way comes, I know something you don't know, and boy-I hope I get away with this but even if I don't it's probably worth it. It is the smile you get before she does a somersault off the stairs, or just as she pours water on the floor outside the bathtub to splash your feet. I image it was the smile on her face as she climbed up to my pepsi and I know it's the one right before she steals my last piece of chocolate.

People will tell you that a lot of different things are great about being a parent. But I think the greatest thing about being this child's parent is that I never have to worry that she won't be confident. She'll always try something knew and she's not afraid to fall or fail.

People will tell you that a lot of things are awful about being a parent. I'd have to say for this kid the worst part is that she is confident beyond measure, it's in her blood...so I have to worry enough for the best of us.

What matters

It is not the words you use to express yourself. It is not the things you say. It is not what people hear when they listen to you. What matters most, is what your heart says when you listen to it.

It is not what you do. It is not what you choose to walk away from. It is not how you do things or how others think you should do things. What matters most, is the most is how your heat feels when you are doing the right thing.

It is not about the mistakes you will make. It is not about the victories you will celebrate. It is not the stories you will tell when you are older about the things you learned when you are young. What matters most, is knowing in your heart that you are always loved.

It is not the kisses you give. It is not the hearts you might break. It is not about the way you enter a room or exit a relationship. What matters most, is loving well in THIS moment.

January

I come home from work mid afternoon. My schedule starts early but ends earlier than most and for that I am grateful. Despite arriving home before the sun goes down I can feel the crisp air of winter on my face when I get out of the car. The garage is no match for the winter chill. Neither, it appears is the house because when I take off my shoes the tile in the kitchen is cold beneath my feet while I prep dinner. Eventually the rain starts up again outside while I rock in my chair and feel the baby roll about in my tummy. The toddler at my feet plays with a tiny tractor driving it up and down my leg and I eventually bend down to check that her bare feet aren't cool to the touch. It doesn't matter if they are, if I put slippers on her they will be off before the next scene change in the movie we are watching. I can't blame her. I don't have on slippers either.

Darkness comes early and I light a candle in hopes of burning the scent of dinner and a house constantly filled with people. The soft light flickers just visible outside the corner of my eye and I drift off in a momentary day dream.

I always wanted this. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted a home of my own filled with sounds of every day life blended with the pitter patter of tiny cold feet on the tile. But, I never once imagined it would be this all consumed with love. It is sometimes so much better then even my imagination could have tried to make it.

Of Storms and Obstacles

When it comes to adventure, Layla is pretty much fearless. She has that ability to look at something and think "oh well it can't be that bad" and then she just does it. There has never been a slide too high, a step too steep or a platform to high to jump from. She's a tumbler, a runner and a climber. She rarely falls and she never really panics.

But she is not fearless.

She fears the wind. Not when she can see it, though. She fears a wind that can be heard but not felt. If you take her out on a windy day she will run and spin and giggle. She turns her face to meet it head on and it tickles her soul.

But the wind at night, the wind outside the door in the storm and the wind on the TV have rendered episodes of her favorite shows unwatchable (that little bad wolf huffs and puffs and sends toddlers into tears). Last night the storm started with wind and rain outside the window and she tossed and turned all night. She hid her face. She clung to mommy. Now the storm has turned to thunder and lightening and she's back to being a brave little toddler, unless of course the wind blows...

in which case my lap can expect 28 lbs of flinging toddler fear.

Bug Racing

I'm pretty sure Layla has progressed from Allergy Induced Wheezing to Asthma. I made her an appointment to see our Doctor on the 25th. Lately, when people visit or we go somewhere that involves a cat I can count on wheezing and breathing hard for part of the evening. That doesn't scare me so much as when the visit takes place on a day where she's running around and playing outside. The other day she had a combo of those two things and she actually was gasping to breath while waiting with Daddy on the bed to get tucked in once Mommy had her jammies on. It was a sound I don't like to hear. It was the 4th time I've heard it lately. Time for a baby check. Asthma in kids with allergies is really common. Too common to make me comfortable.

I feel blessed that at least we're noticing things before they get so severe they can't be dealt with but I feel bad for the kid with the wheezies. Pray for us both as I try and figure out what this part of the path is going to end up looking like.

Fuel

Yesterday in a facebook comment another Mommy blogger friend of mine said she was delusional. Every time someone tells me they are delusional I say the same thing someone said to me almost 5 years ago.

"Delusions can be cured with good beer or bad company, choose the beer, the headache is shorter lived"

Witty no?

It's from back in a time in my life where it was not uncommon on a weeknight for a group of random people to get together for dinner and drinks after work. We were all single, we all had adult jobs, and we all liked to laugh and mock the "burdens" that life threw at us.

If I had known then, what I know now I would have taken more pictures and tried more mixed drinks. Now I'm lucky if I text a friend a couple times a week, phone calls are rare and dinner with drinks is like wish upon a star.

All grown up and suddenly thrust into a life with real responsibilities I take little glimpses of what I knew then and try to apply them but it's not the same. Not that I want it to be the same. I mean back then I didn't have Jon and Layla for whom which I would trade anything this world offers. But, if there was an option where I got to keep the loves of my life and still hang out once in awhile with a girlfriend without having to reschedule 5 times or where the people who used to come over just to eat dinner and a movie still thought we were cool enough to hang out with...well that would fuel my soul just as much now as it did then.

Tales from Crane Park

I've been toying with the idea that Layla doesn't get outside enough now that she's taking a break from Preschool. So in the past week she's had a playdate with Nannie at Pop's (the only place with grandparents without cats), Daddy took her to the park once and today was my turn to take her to the park.

When we go to the park normally we walk with the stroller but it was about 8:30 in the morning on a winter morning and it was supposed to rain today so we took the car. When we arrived at the park Layla started screaming "yahoo lets go!"

She ran to the playground by herself yelling back to me that I should "come on lets go" but we were the only people there so I trailed behind to see what she would do first. For almost the first full hour she played around by herself having me help occassionally and climbing around. We played peek a boo under the bridge and we chased each other around the playground.

After awhile a family with 3 kids showed up. The youngest child was about 3. No matter where Layla went, the littlest girl followed her. She literally imitated everything Layla did. I really wish I could have gotten a good picture of it but I didn't know the people and didn't want them to think some weirdo was taking pictures of their kid at the park.

If Layla climbed up something, the girl climbed up it. When Layla slide down something, the girl slid down it. That in itself not so annoying. If Layla crossed a toy, the other girl followed her. If she was jumping, there was a frog behind her. If she was running, she was being chased. When she clapped, she heard applause behind her. If she laughed, the girl laughed. When she fell and brushed herself off, the other girl pretended to fall and then brushed herself off. ECHO, ECHO!

The picture above is Layla climbing down a climbing wall on her bottom while the other girl waited to follow her. Layla hated it. She wanted the girl to go away. Normally she likes little kids but this kid wasn't "playing with her" she was just copying her.

So after awhile she literally came and stood at my feet and told the other girl to go away. At that point we did the swing thing for about another 30 to 45 minutes and when they left Layla asked to get down and decided we needed to go to.

Only, Layla wanted to go to Starbucks and get cocoa which she does sometimes with Daddy, so instead of going home we went and saw Daddy at work. It was a fun day and the rain started to trickle on the way home so I think we picked the perfect time to go.

Hopefully next time the toddler stalker won't be there.

Spiritually Exhausted

It was a hard year. You'd think that would be reason enough to say that I am spiritually exhausted...but... I actually think I'm exhausted from all the poor soul choices I've been making. We've been eating a lot of processed crap in the last 6 months because it's easier on the budget and fast to get done when the world is throwing obstacles at you every night after work. I haven't been spending good quality time with my friends. I haven't had the time and energy to write. Mostly, I've been in survival mode. That's a pathetic excuse.

I'm not saving enough or getting enough time out of my processed diet to make it worth feeling like a slug all the time. Last week I bought salad stuff and I took a salad to work 3 times. I was amazed by how much more alert I was in the afternoons when I had something fresh to eat instead of something I ran out and picked up or something reheated in the microwave.

So as previously mentioned in another blog. I am trying to eat more like I used to eat before the toddler/full time job/pregnancy trifecta took over. Last night I threw together some "all natural" noodles from a box (to keep the toddler happy), asparagus, and a small steak which Jon and I shared. Sure enough, this morning I woke up with more energy then all of last week.

I think it's time to break the costco freezer box habit. At least for me anyhow. We've already been curbing what we let other people feed Layla. I think we're ready for real soul food.

All washed up

this picture was taken the day layla got in the shower with me fully dressed

This has been an interesting week of nothing but every day life. It could not have been less entertaining in the Jeffery house if it tried. Tomorrow I am off. Originally I wanted Jon and I to take Layla to the snow but now I am equally as tempted to focus tomorrow on cleaning up my house because somehow in the last 5 days the only thing here that has been consistently cleaned up are the people who live here.

It's supposed to be actively snowing just over an hour from here. I do want to take Layla to the snow but I don't know that I want to take her there while snow is actively falling from the sky. That might be a little much.

Just in case we decide to do something fun I am charging camera batteries and making sure my cell phone has a full battery. I'm torn between which is more needed, a day to get into control or a day where I don't have to control anything.

The Week That Got Away

Monday after work I made dinner, ran an errand to the dollar tree, watched a toddler approved movie and went to bed early with Layla. Tuesday I made dinner, played with my daughter and helped my mom do some cell phone research before heading to bed with Layla...not so early. Today (Wednesday) after work, I made a crappy dinner, my dad came to visit and play with Layla, Jon ran to check on the dogs/house he is watching for a friend, I watched Wizard of Oz with Layla and I'm hoping to go to bed early.

It doesn't sound like a busy week but with the inability to go back to sleep after I get up to go pee every night, which is on the pregnant lady "must do" list... I am just beat. Dishes pile up and only get done when we're running out of options. Jon has been shouldering all the housework and laundry to-do list items that fall from my to-do list to my to-do someday list. He's been a trouper.

The truth is that this pregnancy I know some things I didn't know last time. I sleep when I can, I eat what tastes good and I don't stress out about making commitments because I know that when I come home with this new baby, chances are it's going to be just me, Jon and Layla and because I know that... I am savoring the time I have to be busy with one child before I am busy with two.

So while I could write a meaningful and inspiring blog right now...if I really wanted to. What I want to do is go help my toddler cut play-dough snakes into pieces and marvel at how much I love every second I am with her.

Nesting List

Every pregnant woman nests. I've started having the desire to nest but have yet to develop the energy to actually power nest like I need to. So here are the things on my list.

1. Go through the upstairs toys like I did the downstairs toys and purge toys that no-one needs or plays with.

2. Clean out the Harry Potter closet under the stairs because it has been over run with junk again

3. Actually clean, fold and put away the baby clothes I pulled out of tubs for Anyah.

4. Attempt to make calm from the cabinet chaos in my kitchen.

5. Have Jon clean the carpets

6. See if I can get Courtney to take one last family photo before there is a new baby and some pictures of my pregnant baby belly and frame them for the wall by the stairs.

7. Stock up the household goods that I will need when the baby comes.

That's the "nesting" list. I also have some life list stuff I'd like to do once more before I am a parent of two...

1. Take Layla to the snow (maybe next weekend)

2. Pay off the car

3. Make Layla comfortable with the concept of sleeping in her room. She doesn't have to sleep there unless she's comfortable and wants to (we're family bed hippies) but I don't like that she's been scared of her room at night for awhile now.

4. Dinner with George and Devon

5. A girls day with Jen

6. A road trip with just me and the hubby

Now if only I was working on these things instead of just making lists of them. It would be a lot more productive.

We're not a Toy Store

So I am looking across my living room floor and the words "lived in" don't describe it so much as "worked over by toddler cyclone". As of this morning, you would be hard pressed to make your way from any entrance into the room to any seat without stepping on something or narrowly missing something and almost killing yourself.

I've been toying with the idea of toy relocation for awhile now. The majority of Layla's toys have been taking residence in our common living areas because previously she's been too young to play upstairs unattended. Now that she's getting older and another baby will soon need to have some living room space of it's own...well... it's time for a migration north, or at least up the stairs.

Today while Layla napped I dumped every toy in the living room on to the floor. I took a small canvas tub and placed it in the corner and I started sorting. Most of her toys now live upstairs in the toy chest (which was relocated) her favorite toys now live in the corner. The downstairs toy population can be summed up as things a two year old can pick up and put away before bedtime which do not drive Mommy nutso.

The upstairs is now over populated with toys and at some point when I regain my energy and motivation there will have to be an upstairs overhaul. As it is I threw away a bag of junk toys today and I know there is more where that came from. Eventually, I'd like Layla's creative play to be uninterrupted by trying to dig things out of the bottom of a box. I'd also like to think that it would be easier for her to play if she could actually see and remember what she owns.

But, who am I kidding? This is really a post about how I am finally nesting and I really want to throw things away and the things that were first on that list are the ones that stab me in the feet on the way to the kitchen in the middle of the night.

Official notice- happy meal toys make me unhappy, dollar store and dollar bin stuff can be thrown away at a moments notice and I am no longer willing to keep every plastic dime store novelty that gets sent this way...plastic fishing pole with tiny candy canes that get stuck in the vacume... I'm looking at you.

Jumping Beans and Dancin' Queens

Two is a very active age. Since I got home from work I have been an active participant in at least 12 songs with hand motions. I have witnessed bouncing in mass quantities. I have supervised races against no one but herself in which my toddler always wins. I have counted 20 times jumping over the same toy while yelling jump. I have seen 3 almost somersaults and 2 up against a chair head stands. I have watched a movie. I have watched someone eat dinner while dancing in her chair. I have had my hair brushed by an amatuer. I have watched someone tiny steal someone else's chair 6 times. And, those are just the things I can remember.

I am exhausted.

The toddler on the other hand is still in the kitchen talking a mile a minute in her dad's general direction.

I slept 3 hours last night, let the pregnancy insomnia begin...and with it let the toddler get away with murder because I'm too tired to stop her.

8 o'clock can't come fast enough...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Splish Splash

I put in a movie known for it's child mind meld capabilities and set out a snack and juice. When she was fully sucked in I made my escape upstairs and turned on the shower. It took her less than 5 minutes to make her way upstairs and start talking to me through the clear shower curtain. It happens.

I continued my shower pretty unphased as she gathered some toys to play with on the bathroom floor. I was rinsing the shampoo from my hair when I heard the shower curtain open. "Don't put toys in the shower" I said eyes closed. Then the curtain closed. Just then I felt it.

Little hands on my thighs. I looked down to see my daughter who had already taken a bath and had her hair dried was standing fully clothed with socks on... IN MY SHOWER.

Sigh.

I scooped her back out and took off her wet socks. I laughed at her damp hair and I did a squeeze test to make sure her clothes weren't too wet to air dry.

I went back to my conditioner. The other side of the shower curtain opens. This time I turn with open eyes and say "No you stay out" just as she grabs and turns the tempurature nozzle. And then the scalding water washed over me and I did the oh god why me dance out of the way.

I now know why Scalding Splash Mountain was rejected by Disneyland, that ride just wasn't fun.

I manage to get the temp down to finish my shower. Of course, after the scalding death water I happened across the ideal water temperature. You know, the temperature where your pregnant body all goes ahhhhh and you could picture living in the bathtub FOREVER.

Forever was a lot shorter than I remembered it being. It lasted about 3 minutes before the shower curtain moved and I hit the water off...sometimes you just shouldn't keep pushing your luck.

69 cent opinion

I think I was an 8th grader the first time a stranger described me as fat to my face. Over the years it's been nothing new. Sometimes it's well meaning, sometimes it's rude, sometimes it's nothing but it happens often.

So far in this pregnancy I have lost 26 lbs and then I put 1 lb back on. So I am down 25 lbs. None of my clothing fits. My pants are too big and my shirts are too small. Anyah, not being shy about space sticks out as far as her sister did at this point, if not further.

Yesterday morning I had to go get gas before work. Not wanting to run out of gas before I actually got to the gas station I ended up at the Quik Mart at 6:30 in the morning. I went inside and grabbed a bag of chex mix (for later in the day) and headed to the register to pay for my gas and snack. The man at the counter asked me if I wanted a coffee or soda too for 69 cents and I declined.

Then it happened. Again. He looked me up and down, measured me up and said "You have to eat, you won't lose weight not eating."

My pregnancy hormones took over. Or I'm an Aries. Either way. This conversation went down hill fast.

"Actually I probably won't lose weight any time soon because I'm 5 months pregnant. If I was trying to lose weight drinking a coffee or soda for breakfast with chex mix would be stupid, neither one is a good breakfast option." and then for good measure I gave him the look.

The look my dad patented for stupid people that clues them in that they should stop talking apparently works better for him than me because I got a "Well now that you mention it you do look a little pregnant. It's just that time of the year, most of the bigger girls are dieting so I thought maybe I could talk you into it. Want a free soda?"

"Nope. But I would like my money back, I'm going to Chevron."

I called and talked to his manager on my first break. Not because I think he should be fired but because I think selling a 69 cent soda shouldn't involve insulting fat women or giving other people dietary comments. His manager a nice "chubby" middle aged man (self described I've never seen him), agreed.

So I get to work feeling very fat and not nearly pregnant enough and I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a window.

Holy crap people this baby is HUGE. And she's all in front I don't look fat, unless fat people often carry all their weight in the form of a swallowed watermelon.

I told the story to the girl behind me at work who replied that my maternity shirt combined with Anyah's position made me look not only pregnant but further along then I normally do.

And then we decided... no more Quik Mart quickies.

Dinner is in the oven

Today Jon left for work just as I came home. Layla and I played for awhile and then I ran to Quest to take a test for my OBGYN with a toddler in toe. When we got back I put in a movie and we had a phone call from Grammi Chris in SC which Layla refused to actually talk to.

I bribed my child with Hershey Kisses while I went pee and then I started the corn dogs in the oven and I am now sitting on the couch waiting for dinner to make itself and thinking about how much I like to cook and how little I actually get to cook.

It's not that I couldn't go cook for Layla and myself right now but it's time consuming and my priorities for tonight involved elevating my feet and looking for books on the library service online. I hadn't really planned ahead. If this was the "good old days" we would starve to death. This wasn't an option 50 years ago. But now I am a product of semi-lazy parenting.

While I focus time and energy on my daughter I displace the amount of time and energy I have to spend at work by taking cheater short cuts to make myself available and pleasant to be around in the evenings.

I can't wait until I have daughters old enough to be a help in the kitchen. I can't wait until they are old enough that I can share my favorite hobby and use it as a way to spend quality time together. Because, while she gets great joy helping me unload and load the dishwasher, I can think of much more entertaining things we'll be able to do some day.

Of course, when that day comes I'll probably wish she was still interested in doing the dishes. Can't win. Even when I'm winning. :)

Taking Moments

I want my daughter to know that it's ok to sit down and do nothing. I want her to know what it's like to spend quality time with others just talking. I want her to know the value of a friendship is not the cool things you did together but the uncool things you managed to enjoy together anyhow.

I look back at the moments that define my best friendships and I can feel them in my heart. I want her to learn to take those moments and hold them until she needs them so that she can get through hard times. I want her to know what it's like to be a good friend and to have a good friend.

I want her to know that there is nothing to fear about loving well and being loved well. I pray that she learns to take a moment to send love out into the world every day of her life like she does now. Because if she can still love people as vividly as she does now when she's a teeenager, or a young adult, or a middle aged mom, or grandma... she's going to change the world.

New Year New Prospective

I'd love to say that with 2010 rushed in a bunch of relief and financial freedom but no one expected that to happen because that's not how real life works. What did happen in the last week is a lot of re-evaluation. I have some very skewed perspectives about things and my expectations are very high for other people. They are the same expectations I give myself, which are also too high (or so I am told).

I spend a lot of time being boiled over with anxiety because I never feel like I'm doing enough, being enough, finishing enough. The truth is, I have been informed, my idea of enough must be higher than other peoples. This would also explain why when things happen that put others in crisis mode they always think I am going above and beyond when I think I am barely helping.

Enough with enough. that's my new prospect for 2010.

Although, I don't think I'm doing enough of it. ha ha ha!

No seriously, my anxiety level is a still a 9.5 on a scale of 10 but last week it was an 11...so I'm getting better and I'm still working on it.

How about you, is there a personality trait you would love to work on this year?

A Year Makes

Last year she was still toddled when she walked, she talked in one word sentences and she sat contently when she ate. Last year she wore tiny polka dotted socks and let mommy do whatever she wanted to her hair. Last year she went from baby to toddler... and we rang in the new year learning baby signs, new songs, and how to climb.

This year she is nimble and graceful. This year is "ready, set, GO!" racing around corners and using toys like tools to get into just a little bit of trouble. This year is "no I do it" while she puts on her own socks or "I know want to" when it's time to do her hair. This year she's a little girl... an almost big sister.

What a difference a year makes.

You're Odd

I've taught my daughter to say a lot of things. Some of them I taught her on purpose and some of them just got picked up over time. When Layla does something silly that crosses over the weirdo line (you know like drinks her applesauce instead of using her spoon) I often will look at her and tell her that she is "odd".

"You're odd" is the silly equivalent of "what on earth are you doing?" around here.

Earlier this week I wanted Layla to look at me while I took a picture of her coloring. I tried saying her name and asking her to look at me. I tried say cheese. But, if you know nothing about my toddler let me tell you this, she's stubborn, and there is no way she's looking up just because you asked her to.

So finally I start making silly noises and faces....

And she looks up at me, claps her hands over her eyes and says "you odds mommy"

Yes baby, yes I am... it's genetic...you're doomed.

2010 * A List *

If you know me well, you know I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Resolving to change is like drawing a line in the sand, if I want to change I just do it. And as for that whole "it's a new year now is the time to change" sentiment, well I am just not falling for that. Any time, this moment, is a good time to change...but so is any other moment. Change is something people can do at any time, free will and all that rubbish, so I see no point in giving myself a to do list and then spending 12 months gradually getting less and less diligent about it until I finally just give it up all together.

But, there are some things I'd like to try to do in this upcoming year. So I figure, that's the kind of list that I would start making.

1. Prepare for the birth of our new baby.

2. Meet baby Anyah and introduce Layla to the joys and trials of being a big sister.

3. Travel up and visit Mel and Garratt for a change instead of them always having to come down to us.

4. Get back on the right financial foot.

5. Work on my book.

6. Reconnect with the 2 or 3 friends that I don't see nearly enough and actually miss.

7. Figure out some sort of date night tradition so that I spend time alone with my husband.

8. Give breast feeding a go.

9. Put Layla in some sort of play group or activity (dance, swimming, gymnastics, story time...something) in the spring/summer.

10. Get back on the day road trip band wagon.

11. Find a better source for locally grown food.

12. Go back to cooking, like I love to do, in my kitchen as much as possible.

13. Take Layla to do some cool, local inexpensive things... the zoo, old town, some festivals.

What about you? What would you like to try out this year?