Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 2

This is our kitchen, dining room and living room. They are all really sort of like one big room and that's just how we treat them. We move furniture around to make them look big for parties and then smaller when we're just at home watching TV. I didn't clean up for your picture tour so I didn't take a picture from the angle that would show my dirty dishes but you do get to see the food on my counter and the stuff piled on my cook book shelf. Really this is what it looks like around here most of the time. Notice the cowboy hats still on the piano from the rock star party last weekend and the stuff all over the living room that keeps the baby entertained. We're keeping it real. Also shown is the view from the sliding glass door, but that's the back yard and it can have it's own post in a minute. We're pretty blessed to have such a good spot for entertaining & it's too big to get in one picture.

Home Sweet Home- The Tour Part 1

I got asked to do a tour of my home in pictures so we're starting here... enjoy...

This is where I live. Isn't it lovely. It's at the end of the street and when I look out my front door I can see everyone else's yard. And poppies, I can see lots and lots of poppies because my landlord must love them and they are everywhere.

Doing the Zoolander

I can only turn in one direction. That would be the left for those of you who must know every detail. My right side is well... stuck... for lack of a better word. My neck is shot. It has been all day. It used to be much worse but one of the doctors at work fixed me up pretty well. (A perk of working at a chiropractic office I guess).

The thing is that Zoolander wasn't someone's mommy and this really sucks. So that's my whole rant. I can't even think of a nice and poetic way to right about it. I just wanted to whine.

The end.

Party Like A Rockstar

A few photos for your enjoyment from my party like a rockstar themed b-day party!! Enjoy! (Thanks to everyone who sent me pictures after camera number 2 broke this weekend). For those of you with access I put up more pictures on myspace. :)

29

For my birthday I decided to have a go at being someone else... some with cute trendy hair... what do you think?

Layla @ 6 Months

Your 6th little month of life decided to mark itself with Mommy's 29th birthday and the sudden death of the camera which costs $110 to fix so this time your monthly photo is two days old. Sorry about that.

You recently had a growth spurt. I know this because daddy raised your exersaucer so you weren't standing flat footed in it last week and today when I put you in it if you stand up straight (which you can do flat footed) you aren't even sitting in the seat. It's lovely how you hardly ever grow but then when you do it's by leaps and bounds.

You are 27 inches long. The same length as your cousin Faith, but you are 5 pounds lighter, a mere 15 pounds of baby love. I blame this on your father. You got his metabolism and his desire to eat tiny meals often. Every 2 hours or so. Lucky you, you will be tall and thin and the boys will love you. Poor daddy, he's going to have to start collecting guns.

This month you also found your scream. You've always been a babbler but now you scream with delite, fear or boredom. Hey why waste a good scream?

Papa Mark and Susan bought you a dog that is a puppet. When you put your hand in it and squeeze it's mouth open and shut it sings "close to you". This is now your FAVORITE thing on the planet. It makes anything better even the flu or socks. You hear the song and instantly you are happy. I am slightly jealous that a dog has stolen my trademark ability to solve all that ails you. But also a little happy that now the Nana's and Daddy's of the world can get you to giggle when you are pissed off. You also make me sing you the song when you are sleepy and fighting it. I think daddy probably hates that song now.

You like skirts, bare feet, sunlight, "outside", apples with bananas & pears from gerber, trying to eat the flowers, your stuffed elephant and pulling mommy's hair...so she's cutting it off today. You like giggling, flying through the air, hanging upside down and thrill seeking in any form. You like to move, roll, scoot and scout out new adventures and just this week you discovered that if you slam your body hard enough to one side or the other people will move you that way. You are always in control, always curious and always touching something you probably shouldn't be. Even in your sleep you are petting daddy's facial hair or holding mommy's shirt if you can manage it...sometimes even both at once.

This month you officially went from being my newborn to being my baby girl. Complete with ruffled skirts and batting eyelashes. You are nearly fearless, almost always curious and open to new experiences and I am loving watching you interact with things for the first time. In fact, I think I'll go do that now... bye internet!

It's my little secret

Jon thinks I am ever the pillow hog. Sometimes I steal his pillows before he goes to bed. But I try to keep myself from doing that. Instead I wait until he goes to work Saturday mornings and the moment I hear his shower start I reach over and grab his pillow. I squish it up and place it under my head.

His pillow is so much better than mine. But the problem with that statement is we don't have "assigned" pillows. See what makes his pillow so great is that is smells like him. It's this strange mixture of coffee, axe body spray, sweaty boy and well and something else that I've never been able to describe. It's always still slightly warm and it feels so good pressed against my face.

I'm not a cuddler it makes me hot but it's comforting to me to know that his smell is there. And sometimes I come to bed and find my daughter like the picture above. It's ok though, I know her dirty secret. She just wants to squish her face up against a soft pillow that smells like us.

The Thin Line

This evening I took the last of the potatoes and the last of the eggs and made dinner. We're officially parents now. Instead of lunch this week we'll be buying one more thing of formula and one more package of baby wipes (which all the sudden we go through 3 times as many of). It's ok though. We both get paid at the end of the week.

Jon told me a few weeks ago that he was tired of being an adult. I can't say I disagree but I think the advantages of being a parent and a grown up far outway the disadvantages. I often wonder though if that feeling ever goes away... you know the one where you just feel like you're pretending to be an adult because you know you are one and that's what adults are supposed to do. I mean are our parents in their 50's thinking... man I still want to be 16 but dang it I'm an adult or does it go away after awhile.

Speaking of things that go away after awhile... has anyone seen my sex drive? I think I lost it right about the time I lost my stretch mark free stomach and limitless budget. Anyhow... if you find it could you give it to Jon he's been trying to find it. I mean I could care less but the guy is going to get rather testy about it eventually. You know how boys get when they lose things.

The new job is going well. People ask all the time. The truth is I'm good at it, they seem to like me and it's challenging. It's just going to take awhile to either adapt to the crazy way they do things or have a hostile take over until they do things my way.

In the interim... if anyone needs me I'll be the one standing on a tight rope above insanity trying to pretend like it's not scary.

I know I should post

People are starting to get on me because I never post on this site anymore. So I'm going to start trying to get to it a couple times a week instead of just once every weekend. But it's so busy and distracting around here I'm not making any promises. After all, I have important things to do, like taking pictures to embarrass my daughter with when she's old enough to realize this really isn't that cool.

Where has it gone

I remember when my daughter was born she had a full head of dark brown hair, over time it's lightened and some of it (if not most of it) has fallen out and now I have what looks like a normal baby worth of hair on top of her little head, it sticks straight up, and with the exception of a small bald spot from pushing herself around on her back on the floor it covers her entire scalp in a thin layer.

The funny thing is I never really noticed it was falling out until today when I looked at a picture from when I first brought her home. In that picture her eyes were bright blue, her hair was thick and brown and she was so tiny. Now she's so long and so aware and her hair is almost gone. But, despite all that I never noticed.

It was a small trickle, this growing thing... so slow and small that I never really realized that it had been 5 months, so slow I never noticed that it was life passing before me. Wonder what else I missed.

Layla @ 5 Months

Oh my little LaylaBug, you're already such a big girl. This morning when you woke up you decided to turn sideways in the bed to play with the comforter, then you pulled the blanket over your head and did a fake little scream for attention and when I pulled it away you gave me a goofy good morning grin that showed off your two front teeth. When I put you on the changing table you lifted you legs when I undid your sleeper so I could change your diaper and then you put them back down when I was done. While I was putting your sleeper back on you, you laughed and flirted until you knew I was done then you flipped on to your side and grabbed your pacifier and tried to put it in your mouth up side down. I sat you in the recliner like a big girl while I made you a bottle and you had a nice conversation with yourself while you waited, when I came back you were laying on your tummy trying to get the remote. After your bottle, while Mommy put on her makeup for work you were sitting Auntie Mel's lap trying to grab your feet and it occured to me that you are so sure of yourself... and so big.

I could not imagine 5 months ago that you'd be eating from a spoon, have favorite toys and know what time I was supposed to be home from work. But every night that I am late you get upset until I arrive, always around the same time. And every night you eat your mushy little foods, squashes, sweet potatoes and pears and I wonder what it will be like in another 5 months.

You are beautiful and vibrant when you are awake. Aware of everything around you, you always find something to amuse yourself with and you interact with everyone around you. But my favorite times are at night when you are sleeping, your skin goes a little paler, your breathing gets deep and you sink into me and I am consumed by my love for you. At that moment, I understand, no greater thing will I ever do than be your Mommy. And even at 5 months old you make me swell with pride.

And then I woke up

This morning I woke up heartbroken. My daughter has decided Daddy is warm and all night last night she cuddled up next to him with her little left hand either wrapped in his hair or stuck in his beard. And I slept, ALONE, on my side of the bed. I woke up 20 times last night and got up this morning to have a giant panic attack and cry in the bathroom while I did my hair.

Just yesterday she slept next to me, her little body squished up against my side and her face pressed into my left bossum. Her little right hand would hold on to my nightgown or slip under my pjs so she knew i wasn't leaving.

God I miss yesterday.

Wonder

I see it in her eyes. It's her curious nature. It oozes out when she smiles and it drips from her like the curiousity that finally got to the cat. Within moments of being anywhere new she is instantly aware of what is around her. She reads which adults she can wrap around her fingers, which things she can get her tiny little hands on and what she has no interest at all in. And then as usual for a baby of her age something grabs her...and for a moment she'll sit there and wonder, what is that? Sometimes she figures it out, sometimes she doesn't but that little moment of pause that strikes me as pure and wonderful. How long has it been since you just looked at something. I mean REALLY looked at something.

Plan B

Optimistically my husband and I thought we might still be able to go to Disneyland for my birthday in March like the 2 years before, but unfortunately finances won't quite be lined up then so I find myself tonight sitting at a computer thumbing around for a plan B.

Of course there will be a party here at home but I'm tired of the same old thing. It's time to throw a little fun into the mix. I'm thinking of either a "come as a character from your favorite movie" party or perhaps a "rock star" party where I have everyone come as a rock and roll persona and we rent a karoake machine.

There is also the option of driving down to see Jon's cousin that weekend instead. Her big 3 0 is the day after my birthday but I don't think we can swing the travel time with my new job.

So which would you rather be a rock star or a movie star? Help me pick my theme would ya?

Snow

So I had grand intentions of writing some wonderful blog this weekend to make up for the fact that I never really have time to blog anymore...and then my mom came over and watched our daughter for us to have a date night...and then we got up the next morning and drove to Yosemite to see the snow with the baby and the in-laws. Needless to say... it was a busy weekend and now I'm too tired to blog. But I'll live you with this nice scenery shot to make up for it.

My Mommy Tagged Me

Four things about me that you may or may not know.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hostess
2. Renaissance Faire Sword Vendor
3. Office Manager
4. Clerical Administrative Director

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
2. Hot Fuzz
3. Harry Potter (the first one)
4. Princess Bride

Four places I have lived:
1. San Mateo, California
2. Crows Landing, California
3. Turlock, California
4. Modesto, California

Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Criminal Minds
2. Ghost Whisperer
3. Ghose Hunters
4. WWE Raw

Four places I have been:
1. Tiajuana
2. Humbolt/Mendocino Coasts
3. Disneyland
4. Lost in my imagination

Four people that email you the most (at home)
1. My Mommy
2. Aubrey Anne (the queen of the forward)
3. automated baby sites
4. Old Navy's marketing department (I think they're stalking me)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chicken Tacos
2. Cream Tuna on Toast
3. Potato & Eggs like Mommy makes
4. Chocolate Mice from Old Town Pasteries

Four places I would rather be right now
1. with my daughter
2. with my husband having an adult conversation
3. on vacation with a margarita in hand
4. some place cool and dark taking a nap

Four things that I am looking forward to this year:
1. getting to know my daughter
2. developing a stronger marriage
3. traveling
4. being with Friends

Dirty Dozen

I got tagged for this dirty dozen MIME thing and I figure it's nice, quick and easy so I'll do it because lately I haven't been posting or commenting on other people's blogs much.

1-- the number of things that I have done that I regret in my life.
2-- the sum of how many weeks I have been at my new job.
3-- the total times I thought about showering and getting dressed today before I actually did it.
4-- how many months my daughter has had me wrapped around her little finger.
5-- the month of the year that I always hate the most because it's too busy.
6-- how many drinks it takes before I'm willing to sing in front of a bar.
7-- approximately the number of times I think about money in an hour.
8-- perhaps the only number on this list I had to stop and think about and I couldn't come up with anything for.
9-- the month in which my husband and I will celebrate our 2 year anniversary by having lot's of loud sex somewhere away from our child.
10-- the number of times I think about doing things and then get interrupted by a little person.
11-- how many years it's been since I thought I looked good in a pair of jeans.
12-- the number of hours I spent at work yesterday.

Layla @ 4 months old

Oh Laylabug! You're so big now I can hardly believe it.

Things changed so much this month. You gabber on like a teenager who speaks her own little language. You sit upright on the couch and you look around the room so alert and aware. You're suddenly all about grabbing things and touching them. You take the things you really like and rub them up against your chubby little cheeks and laugh.

Some things will never change...and least not any time soon if I have my way. You are the best snuggler right before bed and early in the morning when I try to squeeze a few more minutes of sleep by placing you between daddy and I under the sheets you snore a quiet little moan like snore that tells me you are happy and safe. You laugh when people do silly things... you know... like put on Miley Cyrus music, dance around in front of you, growl or better yet... attempt to buy you new shoes.

You are already such your own little person. You have toys you love (thank you Courtney for the little dog you can't live without) and toys you hate (I don't know what Nana was thinking with a pink poodle rattle). You have foods you like (mmm oatmeal mush) and foods you hate (eww prunes... I'm not 90). You have clothing you love (is it possible to wear a hoodie with your footsie pjs) and things you try to pull off as soon as I put them (socks are for sissy boys).

I'm amazed by you every day. You stay with Auntie a few days a week now and sometimes when I come home and you hear my voice you start to fidget and whine. I feel the same way... like I've waited my whole life to see you ... not just a sulky 8 hours. And that amazes me... how brilliant, lovely and charming someone so small can be.

Still hopelessly wrapped around your little finger...
Love~ Mommy

Happy Birthday Daddy

When I was little my daddy could give me this look and I'd immediately stop what I was doing because I knew I was in trouble. Now that I'm older he just staged it for a photograph for me at a wedding. Ominous looking isn't it? Except for those bright blue eyes that always had so much love behind them. A big old teddy bear really....

Happy Birthday Daddy

That Familiar Tightness

Last night I figured out that we won't be getting a tax return. That's ok though because in a few months we'll be all caught up. It's just this month that I'm worried about, that familiar space between the old paycheck and the new job is a tight space that feels like it's closing in sometimes.

The hubby as always says "there's a plan, stop worrying about it" but I come from a long line of worriers and it's just in my nature so he chuckles every time I pull out a piece of paper and a pen and hatch out that temporary budget again. What else could he do? Nothing. Just like me he's stuck in what is.

Oh what a different $500 could make right now. But there isn't $500 and there won't be... so instead we'll sit in this tight spot a month or two longer....waiting for the future to become the present and the room to open up.

Back in the workforce!

As to be expected the first day back at work was horribly hard on my both emotionally (leaving my darling daughter) and physically (good god there is a 6 in the morning too?) but I made it through the day with only calling my hubby and my mother once to complain, cry and otherwise freak out.

The second day at work, however, was not to be expected. Suddenly, after a confused and chaos filled first day where no one know where I was going, what I was doing or why I was there I found myself in an office happy to have me, reflective of my skillset, and well...fun to joke around in.

The first day flew by ironically, while the afternoon of the second day seemed to take forever. Meanwhile at home, Auntie who is watching Layla says she's a breeze to handle and Daddy is adapting well to all his time home with the baby now and I'm starting to feel a lot more confident about not calling during every break and lunch hour...not that I plan on stopping.

I miss cuddle time a lot during the day and I suppose I will miss that time for the rest of my life whenever I am away from it. I bet my mother still thinks about my tiny little self sprawled out in the middle the sheets on a hot summer night, and I bet sometimes she misses it. I know I'll never leave for long again without picturing my little baby curled up in a ball sleeping against my side while I rock in my chair.

I couldn't imagine life without it, and I count down to it at the end of the day. I'll count down to it even more at the end of the week. But, it's good for me... and in the end it's good for her.

I Quit!

I know most, if not all, of the ladies in my every other Thursday night scrapbook group read this site. So I'm just going to post this and then you can all read it.

I'm quitting the scrapbooking night. For many reasons really, but the main one is that I don't like how people sort of commit. Seriously, I can never get anyone to say if they are coming or not and even if they say they are coming they may or may not show up... so well... I give up.

I'd rather scrapbook by myself then spend every week setting up tables and calling people only to get another excuse or another false commitment. I'd rather spend my time doing something I enjoy... like watching my adorable daughter learn and grow or making out with my husband.

So if you need me this Thursday... I'll be free as a bird... because I QUIT!

My Laylabug

Alright, I've had a couple people ask me about my daughters site. If I know you, or sort of know you in that been reading my blog forever sort of way and you want to see Layla's blog all you have to do is email me. Most of you know my email address... and I'll send you a link via email and once you're logged on you can see Layla's site whenever you want.

If you don't know my email address leave a comment below with your address and I'll make sure you get the link.

Also I know some people's work emails send them to the spam filter so some people I sent them to I got them back for. If you have a non-business email... those are best.

The J.O.B.

I got the job. I start Monday. I'm super excited about having a job and a tiny bit heartbroken about leaving my little girl all day long. But, she'll be staying with Daddy and Auntie Mel every day so I know she'll be loved and taken care of all the time.

The job is for a Chiropractic office. The pay is good, there is a bonus program and benefits.

Looks like all my ducks are finally getting into those rows I keep imagining in the back of my head.

In the meantime I have a week with my darling daughter. A week I plan to enjoy as much as possible. So if you don't hear from me it's because my hands are full of babies and my lips are giving kisses...

The Waiting Game

So the job that I was told I would know about by the end of the day Friday, said oops...make that Monday (all day Monday) and then whoops...make that Tuesday. So today is the day I hypothetically might find out if I have a job.

Gosh I want to have a job all stinkin' ready.

Date Night- The Recap

Looking at this picture taken before my first date night with the hubby since the baby was born you can see it in my eyes. I'm reluctant. I'm scared. I knew at the start of the day it would be a hard thing for me to do so I made sure that by the time the hubby got home I had confirmed the Grandma babysitting arrangements and gotten changed. My makeup was on and my hair was done, I knew I looked presentable but secretly I wondered if people looking at me would think... Gosh I can't believe she left the baby at home.

PPA- Post pardum anxiety is a huge part of my life still. It sits there under the surface taunting me. It was the force that put the cell phone on the table all through our romantic dinner at Vito's and the looming feeling that made me check my cell phone for messages during our 3 wonderful desserts even though I knew I didn't have one.

I made it though, I made it through dinner and our shared desserts. I made it through a few games of pool before it started distracting me from my game. I even pushed it aside long enough to run to target. But when I got home at 9 all I could think about was holding my daughter and smelling her hair and feeling her warmth against me.

Next time will be easier. It has to be. But boy that first step was a doozie.

Once Again Waiting

God must be trying to teach me that patience thing again. I am once again waiting to hear from a job. They said I should know by Monday afternoon. The interview went well...and now I just wait some more.

The New Look

So I've been thinking about changing the look of this blog since before Christmas. The truth is the color on the old one was kind of dark and although I like dark things... it was a little weird to look at from your desk at work or to read late at night in your office at home... so I lightened things up a bit.

Also you'll notice the links have changed... no people did not accidently get deleted. I cleaned house... some people I read more than others... these are my top 10 links on the left. The other people I might still read but until they make my top 10 I'm not putting them on my template.

I hope you like the changes.

Trying to Make the Cut

Tomorrow sometime I'll have another interview. Once again, it's me and one other person. We are opposites in what we offer, the other and me. I have tons of office management experience and no medical experience. She has medical experience and no office management experience. They tell me it's a 50/50 shot. And I'm trying not to get my hopes up because the last 3 months has taught me that I'm really good at making the top 2 or the top 4 or the top 5.

So far my acceptance letters still far outway my rejection letters but in the end I'm always just a little not enough and that scares me.

So tonight I pray, just like every night that tomorrow will be the day that I find the job that keeps my family secure. Tonight I pray to keep myself from being nervous. Tonight I pray that my hopes don't get too high and that if I'm disappointed my low won't be too low. Tonight I pray for hope... until at last my eyes find rest.

2007 the review

So I've been seeing a lot of these up on blogs and I'm a sucker for peer pressure so I'm going to do it because everyone else did it. And yes, I proved in 1998 that if all my friends jump off a bridge I will too. But enough about 1998...let's get back to 2007...

I learned that you love someone you've never met and mourn them when they die.
I learned that Drs are wrong.
I decided some people aren't good to travel with and some are even worse to stay with.
I accepted a leap of faith that left me wondering and then later awestruck.
I acknowledged Valentine's day by praying for new life in my family.
I spent my birthday in Disneyland with friends... most of the time on bed rest or in a wheelchair.
I paid things off only to make even bigger debt later.
I remembered why Springtime is my favorite season.
I developed a relationship with lot's of new inlaws.
I celebrated 2 first birthdays, 3 births and 4 weddings (even though I only made it to one wedding)
I watched friends marry and I listened to marraiges being tested.
I skipped the fireworks to play liars dice in my bathing suit in the dark.
I rejoiced in good food and good friends.
I forgave but I didn't forget to bring someone back into my life... twice.
I gave up on a birthday gift in order to be an adult.
I made up for it with an awesome party with family and friends.
I gave birth and everyone lived to tell the tale.
I focused on breathing through it.
I sarcastically had other breath with me.
I regreted the first day but have cherished every day of the 3 months since.
I was baffled by the forgiveness and grace of some.
I was hurt by the abandonment of another.
I shed tears of joy at the sight of a first smile.
I wept tears of fear as I set myself back into the world of the unknown.
I looked for dream jobs, day jobs and then any old job that paid well.
I planned and then I broke plans.
I gave someone hope.
I gave someone else all the time they wanted to talk.
I took more than I gave sometimes.
I remember what it was like to play like a child again.
I made lists and I crossed off the items one by one.
I celebrated Christmas like I really meant it even when I really wanted to beat someone to death.
I dealt with God's love for me even when I could not surrender to it.
I watched a son forgive his father.
I watched a father become a grandfather.
I watched relationships change as a baby came home.
I revealed in the smallness and closeness of a few as the new year came again.
I wondered how much I'd forgotten and felt blessed by how much I remembered.

When Potlucks Grow Up

I have been giving a lot of thought to starting a food club. The food network did a whole special before Christmas on groups of people who got together every month for the sole purpose of loving food and cooking. Gee...that sounds like my kind of gig doesn't it.

So I think I might start one and invite my family & friends. Anyone young or old could participate. It's like a potluck with cool monthly themes. Like for instance one month could be Greek food or Spanish food... oh or comfort food...

So what I'm looking for is some themes... and of course willing participants.

Anyone out there want to eat?

Resolutions

Anyone who says they don't make New Year's resolutions is probably fooling themselves. We all have that thing in the back of our head that we think... "yep, this is the year". So what are your New Years Resolutions?

This year I made 5 resolutions (which probably sounds like a lot but I figure I've got a 20% success rate on these things so maybe if I am lucky I'll do one for a whole year). I don't believe in resolving for things like losing weight or quitting something I currently do because if you need a new year to force you to start doing something like that... you're going to quit before too long. So this is my list... a very adult list...

1. Find a job I like that let's me still have quality time with my husband and daughter.
2. Take an active roll of being more affectionite when I feel lovey dovey. (Seriously I'm just lazy and I always have been)
3. Try to pay of debt efficiently by having more things here at the house and less things at restraunts... that means parties but also just dinner.
4. Take a trip...even something small... every single month. I used to take a lot more day trips or weekend trips and even with money tight you can still get out for a day... so that's the plan.
5. Spend more time with other adults. I've only been a mom for 3 months and I feel that pull already to hang out with my friends occassionally or just be wild and crazy.
4.

To Layla @ Three Months Old

Yesterday you turned 3 months old my darling daughter and you celebrated by getting up for no reason at 4 am and carrying on with your day like you couldn't understand why I was so tired. It made for an interesting day and you and Mommy were both in bed by 9 pm.

This morning you woke up and your socks were too small... a little growth spurt to celebrate your new month I guess...and it's about time because you've been in new born socks for a very very long time and you're already past 0-3 months but your clothing and socks still fit just right. Except for jammies... your leg/torso length means you had to go up a size in jammies and now you swim in them because you really are quite thin...lucky you... you got Daddy's metabolism (I think he wants it back... but you can keep it just don't tell him I said it was ok).

Your very athletic for a 3 month old. You've been rolling over for over a month now and you can hold up your head whenever you want to. You're very alert and have great hand eye coordination. You are the only 3 month old I know that can hold your own bottle (when you are in the mood), grab a swinging toy and pull it into your mouth or throw it, kick things with your feet to get them to where you want them and you do it all without losing your smile.

You are a VERY big flirt. You smile at everyone. You especially like people who make silly faces, sing songs or who have access to your pacifier. You giggle and coo when mommy sings row row row your boat and you like to snuggle in for a nap to the tune of amazing grace.

You still have a few things you don't like. The crib is at the top of that list. You sleep every night in a play pen next to Mommy's side of the bed because frankly you just don't like the crib. You also don't like cats...they make you itchy and it seems you've already figured that out. You don't like it when Cousin Aiden yells or when you hear another baby cry. We call it sympathy crying and you do it often.

And there are a few new things that you definitely like... sitting up like a big girl and looking around with little to no help from us (maybe a hand to hold on to or a couch or hand behind you), bath time is your favorite because you like to kick water at Mommy, when Daddy makes silly faces at you in the bed in the morning and the new sensitive tummy formula (thank god no more smells bad soy).

You loved Christmas, the lights and the sounds kept you very entertained. You even liked the new stuff and all the pictures Mommy took of you in your Christmas dress only upset you a little.

You are definitely still our little drama queen who likes to be clean and entertained and you've still got us wrapped around your little finger (Mommy more so than Daddy) but in this month you've developed a love of playing on the floor by yourself and watching the Mickey Mouse Club House in the morning. That's all you baby girl and I can't wait to see what else is "all Layla"

Moving On

One of the hardest parts about being on the hunt for a job while having a new baby is the fact that you always feel guilty about cheating someone. I'm always juggling something...sometimes multiple somethings at the same time. I hate to juggle but I'm really good at it and then I get so used to juggling that I forget that I always had the option to just set everything down and take a good look at it before I decide which things are worth keeping my hands full.

I think most mom's feel that way. It doesn't matter if you're staying home or going to work. I also think that if you are staying home you secretly sometimes day dream about going back to work and if you're at work it's natural to zone out thinking about how nice it would be to just be home. It's the same way looking for a job. Each posting I look at I day dream for a second about what it will be like to work there and what it will be like not to be home with the baby all day. It's my little fantasy world where I get a shower before my husband comes home from work and where my ass looks great in my slacks and high heels. Then someone in the next room needs me and I move on.

I feel like I've been just rolling with the punches lately and last night I had a nice long talk with the hubby. Like most female driven talks it was mostly me crying about things he can't fix and him wishing he could fix things beyond his control. Then I got up this morning and I started moving on. That's what us mom's do. For a second I stopped juggling and now... I've picked a few things worth keeping my hands full and I'll be working with those.

Looking back @ Layla's 1st Christmas

I really thought I would post more this Christmas season being as there would be so many things in the babies first Christmas I thought I would want to remember...but I didn't post. I was looking for a job and looking for a deal or looking for a recipe and looking for my lost serving platter. I was looking for something everyday...sometimes more than one something at a time and my requests for a simple first christmas to remember flashed by and found me looking back at a bunch of things I wish I could have done differently. I suppose that's why God makes sure that you and the posed pictures are the only things that will remember that first Christmas with your child. So you can learn from your mistakes and you won't spend the next 50 years living down the teasing of your first born.

You see all I really wanted this year was a structure to my celebration so I wouldn't feel like I was rushing from place to place and thing to thing but wouldn't you know it from Thanksgiving right through last night it was just one stumble after another. Families changed plans multiple times and numbered RSVPs changed up and down as fast as a yo-yo on a string. My OCD like desire to just know where I was going and why I was going there left me praying in the bathroom more than once during this "celebration" of God and Family season.

I can't handle some things that are new to my life. As always blending two families together caused a lot of stress all the way around. Combined with a financial strain, a daughter who went through a short phase of not liking anyone but me and an overwhelming love of order. Well, I was doomed to learn by trial and error that you can't get what you want but you will get a lesson or two on things you need during the holiday season.

So this year I say it again just like last year and the year before. Next year will be different, next year I will focus more on the reason for Christmas and less on the marketing, flash, obligation and emotional tension. Of course, I'll forget by next year and by Nov first I'll be itching for Christmas tree lane, Christmas carols and bright colored boxes. But for now, I'm tired... I'm disappointed and frankly I'm a little pissed off.

But, I know it's just me and I'll be over it soon. Soon I'll be looking through the pictures of our night at Christmas tree lane with the family or Layla's first Christmas tree parade and remember how she slept through the semi's covered with flashing lights honking and driving by. Soon I'll smile at the thought of the dinner with Grandpa M and her little pile of presents and the gift she already loves so much. Soon I'll think of Christmas eve and instead of seeing the plans that changed 5 times I'll see the people who loved each other so much to adapt their schedule over and over. Soon I'll see Christmas day with that table set for 20 people and think of how wonderful it was to break bread with my loved ones even if they were all late.

I know it's in there somewhere. Somewhere behind my day after Scrooge emotions which are tired and frustrated there lies a Cindy Lu Who who's singing "Where are you Christmas" and waiting for that It's a Wonderful Life moment when the bells are ringing and in my heart I know that love was more important.

Are you really?

When you tell someone that you're praying for something for them... do you really do it? How long do you do it? How often do you do it? What is the the reasonable expectation for prayer...

You see I'm waiting to hear about the dream job. I made the final cut and I should know by Friday. I REALLY need this job. On a scale of one to ten the urgency is about an eight. I'm scared. I keep telling people...please pray... and they say "of course I will".

When?

I mean not to be greedy but when I say I'll pray about something for you I pray about it every day until you tell me prayer about it is no longer needed...or I see the result... good or bad. I make a commitment. So here I am waiting and wondering... is my prayer enough? Is anyone out there praying with me? What exactly are they praying for?

I find myself wondering. Should I have been more specific. Should I be praying more than the several times a day I am now. Does it even matter if I am praying about it? And I wait.

It's a Fat Girl Thing

I want to vent about something. I know I haven't gotten on here and vented in awhile but I'm ready for a good vent. I'm frustrated... and for once in my life it's not because I'm bitter with God or pissed at myself. I'm pissed at society.



The whole time I was pregnant, every single visit, my Dr would make comments about how he couldn't believe how healthy I was for an "obese" person. My cholesteral never got high, I never got diabetes, I never got high blood pressure (until after my kid went into the NICU). I didn't eat too much, all my levels were good till I got cholestasis and even then I was the "healthiest person with cholestasis" the mid-wife had ever seen.



I'm pissed that a grown man with a medical degree can't see that it's possible to be physically fit, eat well and still be fat. Because you know what, I do eat well.



I'm also a little ticked at an unmentioned member of my family who when I recently mentioned how much weight I lost started talking to me like she was my grandmother about how out of shape I used to be. Are you serious? I know I could out hike her. I'm not strong but I have more endurance than the average person. I could walk for hours without an issue.



I think people forget... I think they forget that just because you jog every day with your double stroller and I don't doesn't mean I'm not up and moving sometimes. I gained a whooping 10 pounds being pregnant and by two weeks after I was pregnant I had lost 55. I put back on 7 lbs but I'm still way under where I started.



Would I like to lose more? I don't know. I kind of like the shape of my boobs and the size of my hips and all though my stomach flab isn't attractive it isn't unattractive appearantly because my husbands a frisky guy most of the time. And even if I did...why is it your business?



What I would like to do is give my daughter good examples of healthy eating. She will not be forced like I was to clean her plate... not even at grandma's house. I don't care how good you think the corn is for a child teaching them to eat when they are full teaches them to clean their plate in societies super size me serving delusion.



Am I part of this fat girl appreciation movement that's sweeping the planet? No. But I'm not part of the group of people sitting on the couch watching biggest loser while I eat my ice cream either. I just don't care. I think that if your happy then you should go right on being happy and if you're not you should do something about it.


I've got other things I'm more worried about.... don't you?

What's this? What's this? There's Colors Everywhere!

Every year I post pictures of my house and my Christmas decorations for the readers here who don't get to stop by between the day after Thanksgiving when everything goes up and the day after Christmas when everything inside comes down...and several days later when the hubby takes down the outside lights. Layla loves the twinkling lights and the christmas music. I can't wait until next year when she really understands how magical this season can be.

When you arrive at our house which is at the end of a cul de sac of decorated houses it looks very pure. Everyone else has blow up Santa's and glittering presents in their yards but we're not the inflated snow globe type. So each year we put out our simple white lights and this year Jon bought me two deer made of white lights for the yard. They actually move which is really cool.

Normally on the door I buy a wreath but this year with the new baby and a tight budget we decided to put up this welcoming Santa sign which we already own. I think he's a nice little spot of color for the walk in.

Inside the front door in the walk way to the living room there is some mistletoe. Every time I walk under it with Layla when I'm home alone or feeling silly, I say "oh no mistletoe" and give her a few kisses. From the candle sconces in my living room I always hang my "extra" stockings. Last year when Jon and I got married I bought us matching stockings and I bought three gold stockings for future children so we'd have one's that match. Of course Layla's is in use now with ours on the mantle but these extras get put up too with some red candles for now.

This christmas ball candle holders were a gift from my Aunt Penny before she died. Normally they only come out on Christmas day for the center of the table but this year I needed something for this counter so here they are.

In the dining area (really this is all one big great room dining area, living room and kitchen) I hang our christmas cards around this strategically placed stocking that covers a phone jack which I think is both unsightly and in a bad spot.

In the living room by the TV I have placed a motion activated dancing Santa I inherited from my Grandma Gerty. The kids are scared of him so for now he's not plugged in but he guards the advent calendar full of Lindor Chocolate truffels and looks good with the pine cone garland under the TV.

Next to the TV there is a DVD stand which I top with the snow village I made with my Aunt when I was little. Placed amongst the houses we painted ourselves are some that I picked up a few years back to make it look like a real town. The ones we did are the ones with lights.

That brings us to the best part of the room in my opinion. My nativity scene. It's by willow tree. It sits on top of the piano with some back lights.

This is the baby Jesus with Mary and Joseph.

This is the wise men...technically they weren't there yet but we'll let it slide being as they match so well.

These are my shepards, complete with flock...oh and a camel...because shepards like camels I guess.

They sit next to the fireplace which holds my burgundy stocking, Jon's green stocking & Layla's gold stocking along with some great candles with pine cones under them and yup you guessed it...more pine cone garland.

I just love this garland when you put lights in it.

This is our tree. It's already dry but we love it. It's still beautiful with all my candy cane themed wrapping paper covered boxes under it. Plus it was made with love...and that's what really counts.

2007 the Re-Cap

January found Jon, myself, my Sister-in-law, my brother-in-law, & their son A all on the way to South Carolina for a visit with the Great Grandparents and some far away Aunts, Uncles and Cousins from Jon's side of the family. Like every long trip I learned a few things... Benadryl will make a baby sleep through a very long plane ride & always get a hotel room instead of staying with the family.

In February we made a small road trip to the coast with our friends J & G. We went to Monterey really but the power was out so we ended up going to Capitola for dinner which was great fun. It was definitely better than Valentine's day which we spent on the phone with our first horrible OBGYN trying to figure out how to save a pregnancy he had deemed as doomed. Talk about killing the mood.

In March for my birthday we went to So Cal. We took a 4 day trip to Disneyland with J & G and got to see our Cousin Sarah and her dad Bill. It was a great trip even though I spent part of the time on complete bed rest forced not to ride rides and to be pushed around in a wheelchair by my husband. It was worth it though for the disneyland hotel, my one ride on Pirates of the Carribean and watching grown men skip down Main St.

April was a slow month we used to catch up financially from all our traveling. J was living with us by then so we started making improvements around the house and upgrading things when we had the time and the money. We had a small family BBQ on Easter and mostly Jon's family came. We had a couple board game nights at the house with friends.

In May our nephew turned one and they used our backyard for a BBQ which was super fun. Also by May we had had a couple good ultrasounds and we knew the baby was probably going to make it. So in May we started planning for baby rooms and baby furniture and things along those lines.

By June things were getting hot and tired. I was very pregnant and very sick and sadly most of the month of June I laid around feeling miserable. My husband on the other hand was booked solid being in his friends K & J wedding. Which I hear was beautiful and I've seen elegant pictures but I opted out because Fresno in June is very very hot.

In July we went to a BBQ at our friend C house and then spent part of the month swimming there whenever she made the offer. We also went out to eat a lot in July because by then I was too hot and too tired to actually cook anything. The airconditioning didn't work right and nothing ever tasted good.

August picked up the pace again. J moved out so we could make a baby room but we decided after a near break in at our home in the ghetto to upgrade neighborhoods. We moved to a better house in a better school district and then we had a party for Jon's birthday and lots of friends and family came. Our neice F was born in August as well.

September found us emerged in two baby showers, one I was hosting and one that was for me...back to back. (Really it sounded like a good idea at the time). In Sept our nephew C was born and of course our lovely daughter Layla was born at the end of Sept after a little bit of bed rest, some nasty labor and a C-Section.

October first we came home from the hospital and the month soon became busy with our neice N's first birthday party. Halloween was fun, we dressed Layla up as a pumpkin which made her very unhappy and gave candy to the cute neighborhood kids. During the middle of Oct I lost my job but thanks to SDI for pregnancy got some paid time to stay home with my daughter without worrying about it.

November started slow and picked up pace rather quickly. We ended up doing Thanksgiving in two ways which was a little odd. After Layla and I watched the parade we went to my Uncle K's house to see my side of the family then we met Jon when he got off work at his mother's where Layla got her first taste of Mashed Potatoes and Pumpkin pie. On Black Friday I did lots of shopping with family which was a fun new twist.

Now it's December, the tree is up and the traditions are flowing freely. We had our back in the day party and we went to the Christmas tree lighting and Christmas tree parade down town. We'll be spending Christmas eve with Jon's family and Christmas day here at the house with lots of people. The shopping is done and the presents are wrapped. But the best gift we could have asked for is sleeping next to this desk in a swing.

I can't wait for next year.

Oh My It's an Update Blog

I know I haven't been blogging very much but between the new baby and Christmas coming up it's been chaos over here. So this is the random update blog that we've all come to know and love from busy mommy bloggers.

This week has been down right crazy. I had the flu, then the baby had the flu, then I had an interview for a dream job and then the baby got a rash all over her body and had to go to urgent care...only to find out it's nothing. The hubby and I did sneak in a few hour road trip to the Crab Shack in Sacramento and a walk around Old Town to fill in some of the humm drumm of a vacation we ended up not going on.

This weekend we were looking forward to Christmas tree lane and returning to church but it looks more likely that we will spend Sunday at home watching WWE on pay per view and eating tacos.

I have a second interview (final interview) for the dream job. They are down to me and one other candidate. I really want this job so I've been praying very hard about it. If I don't get it I'll be back on the hunt by the middle of next week and putting out more applications.

I've been blessed in that everything here seems to be under God's graceful umbrella still. I got an extension on my disability checks which was a huge blessing with Christmas time being here and me not having a job. I've had a few interviews and good response. I actually turned down one job offer because it was a bad fit for a new mommy. But I'm optomistic that in the New Year I'll be able to pay my debts and balance out the chaos some.

Some of you know we gave my cat away a few weeks ago. We thought it was making the baby sick and sure enough my kid is allergic to cat dander. We get a runny knows when cat people come over or we go to Grammi's house but now that there is no cat at home there is no snot issues and no random itchy skin patches. That was also a blessing.

This week I'm planning out Christmas dinner and putting the finishing touches on a few hand made gifts. I can't wait for Christmas to come and to spend it with my daughter and husband. I also can't wait for a few other things to come that haven't happened yet this month.... yea we're still waiting on that.

So I think that's about it. Please pray about my interview and job quest if you have time. Also pray for Layla's lovely rash to go away and then have a few christmas cookies and write your letter to Santa.

I skipped a punctuation mark

So... it had been awhile and luckily this time no one needed to stretch first. But it had been so long no one remembered that you need to have things on hand when your about to do a work out. So... having said that....

I'm a week late. Lord help us all. It's probably just stress...but then again I learned in highschool from my bestest friend it only takes on sport to make it to the playoffs.

At least it's still funny to me... I'll keep you posted.

The face of the flu

Night before last I awoke at 2 am with the sort of stomach pain you always pray you'll never had. If I had an appendics I would have thought it had ruptured. I made my husband rub my back, and then my front. I walked around. I took a hot shower. I sat in the dark and cried. I eventually threw up. The next morning the pain was gone but I had the flu. I was miserable for about 14 hours and now it's tapering off.

Except- now Layla has the same flu. There has been curdled baby vomit on my clothes most of the day and she insists on one of us holding her. I know she has what I had because she rolls around whining and crying and then once she throws up or goes potty she's happy as a lark playing on her play mat again.

I figure I've got about 3-4 more hours of this yuckiness before it passes for her too. Only I've got a job interview tomorrow so I guess she'll just have to stay home with Daddy while I go off to try and get a job. Poor daddy.

Twisted

Some days you just don't want to be an adult. Sometimes you lay in bed and remember back when you were younger and Christmas was all about you. You remember don't you...back when you took the giant Sears catalog and you turned down the corners of pages and circled things with a marker. Then Santa brought you free stuff and you got to eat good food and watch Kid's movies on TV in the evening and no one cared? I remember.

So long ago I started this annual party where everyone comes in their PJs and you don't talk about your diet and you eat sloppy joes and corn dogs while no one wonders what sort of person eats tater tots with a side of mac and cheese. You play. You play board games and you drink cocoa and you watch those same Alvin and the Chipmunks movies and Frosty the snowman specials from your childhood.

Every year something happens that we weren't expecting. This year was no exception. Someone brought up twister and then for an hour or two grown adults played the game...sweating...knee shaking... laughing and making jokes. It was priceless.

And there twisted up in our holiday celebration we caught a small glimpse of it again. That part of the holiday where no one worried and everything for one night...was all about us.

The Rat Race

Interviews, interviews and not a job to be offered. Ok that's not true. I got offered one job but I don't want it because it doesn't have sick time and you can only take your paid vacation (which you get very little off) during a three month window which is retarded.

This week I have 3 interviews. Two of which I already had. Next week I have two more and I have three more resumes to get out this week. I haven't heard from the job I really wanted which I interviewed for on Wednesday but that's ok.

So far God has been providing for us in ways we didn't see coming. And we are ever so appreciative that although it's tight we're not screwed yet by my not having a job. In fact we're even going to be blessed with a normal Christmas.

So we keep charging on. I keep sending out resumes and applications and Jon keeps going to work every day and coming home to listen to me worry about money while we watch Law and Order.

This weekend we'll be lucky enough to be too busy to worry. It's a weekend of friends and family and I can't wait. And next week we might go on a road trip to visit a cousin between interviews.

With our cat being sent off to live with someone else my daughters issues with dry skin rashes and snotty noses have completely gone away. It's making her much more fun for daddy who was a little frustrated with all the "i need mommy" ness of a baby with snot.

All in all it's been a blessed month. I can't believe I'm saying that but so far it has. I'm also reading a great bible study book which I'll be writing all about when I finish. My cup flows over...so much so I am behind on my blogging. I'll try to be better about that. No really... I will.

Christmas in California

Saturday found my husband and I standing in a 65 degree tree lot in the sun looking for the perfect Douglas Fir tree. We tossed it into the back of my mom's new SUV and jumped into the second lane of traffic to drive the three blocks home again. Once home the hubby put the tree in the stand walked it through the sliding glass door and as I took of my sunglasses and flip flops we decided which side looked the best and then placed it next to the fire place to decorate it. We both know that even though we use the fire place we don't use it to heat the whole house so the tree will be safe for the next 25 days.

The truth is that I decorated most of the house already...in fact I did most of it the day before thanksgiving because now that I have a baby I didn't want to wait till the last minute only to find that my hands were full of fussy infant and I couldn't get it done. This weekend is the small downtown Christmas Parade which is held in the evening and everyone is decorated with lights. We're going to go to a little Bistro on Main Street, have a nice meal and a glass of wine and sit outside where it might get as gold as 45 degrees (so we'll bundle up) and let the kids watch the parade lights pass.

This weekend is also my annual "back in the day" party where people come over in their flannel pjs and bring cookies and we watch the old Christmas classics like Rudolph and Alvin and the Chipmunks and we eat food we liked when we were 7 like hot dogs and chili boats. We'll through in some competition rounds of candy land and chutes and ladders and for a whole day adults act like little kids. I wanted to be decorated for that.

So this morning I walked through my pine scented living room, passed the white light piles of pine cones and the nativity on top of the piano. I walked passed the tree that was bigger than we thought and the presents all decorated in red and white and I sat in my chair. 7:30 am...the babies awake time and we sit in the middle of Winter Wonderland and listen to the Christmas music channel while I drink a pepsi and she has a bottle. She stares at the light and I know in my heart that by this time next year 5 minutes at the tree lot and throwing up the decorations will be a lot more hands on.

Next year she'll start being active in our little California Christmas. Next year she'll walk Christmas Tree Lane and see all the lights and really sing the songs. Next year she'll ooh and awww at the parade and next year she'll pull the ornaments off the tree when we aren't looking or sit on the wrapped boxes when she plays. Next year Santa will have his hands full when we take pictures at the mall.

I can't wait for a sunny California Christmas through the eyes of a toddler.

Layla @ 2 Months Old

My darling daughter,

You are only two months old and already Mommy can not imagine life without you. She can't fathom a day with out being able to be enamoured by your beautiful bright eyes and your elfish little grin. You have become quite the drama queen in the last four weeks, and you now freak out over the little things that are your pet peeves. Luckily for me those things are few and far between but boy are you loud about having something wet touch your face or when something tickles your feet.

You love the bath. When I put you in you cry till the water pours over your head. Then you proceed to take a nap. Every single bath you nap...except today...today the water was only warm and not "nearly hot" and you decided to cry instead. You share my love of really warm baths I suppose.

Today we took pictures with Santa and you slept through the whole thing. You struggled in your sleep to keep Santa's beard from tickling you and to grab ahold of his white puffy coat with one hand to keep him from touching your pacifier which you have gotten very protective about now that you have gotten the hand control to put it in and out of your mouth.

Mommy thinks you will be athletic because at two months you roll without problems, hold up your head when you want to and grab things when you want them. You even try holding your own bottle already and you're getting pretty darn good at it.

This week Daddy put up the Christmas lights and twinkling lights are your favorite thing on the planet. In fact the day they went up you cried when I brought you in the house so daddy had to turn on the indoor lights so you'd calm down. You are a Christmas child, you love the sound of Christmas carols and will lull yourself to sleep if Mommy puts on the 24-7 music channel that plays Seasonal Favorites all day.

This week you also decided you want a 9 pm bedtime. We're ok with that but it took 3 days of you screaming from 8:45 till 9:15 when you crashed out before Mommy figured out to have you in your pjs by 8:45 and rock you in the chair. Sure enough you were out like a light with out crying both times she tried it. And you thought Mommy's couldn't be trained didn't you.

We're all learning and growing over here in the J house. Daddy is learning how to sleep in a smaller spot on the bed because you roll all over. Mommy is learning how to talk on the phone, give you a bottle and answer the door all at the same time. And you, my wonderful baby, are learning to wrap us around that tiny little finger of yours. But that's ok...we kind of like it that way.

Love,
Mommy

Thankful

First off, Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you all enjoyed your turkey and your family time. I hope your team won and that your pie crust was perfectly flaky.

This year I got all the things a girl could want. I have a family that loves me, a baby that's healthy, a husband who makes me giggle like a school girl and hope in my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Waiting to Exhale

There is something dramatically clear about looking for a job while the Christmas displays go up and the Black Friday sales ads come out. It is in this moment of consumer overload that you really start to think about what you need. You start to itemize the things you hold as a priority. You start to outline the things you want your children to understand and appreciate.

I want my kids to know that having debt isn't the answer but that not having debt won't save you from a consumer reality. I want my kids to know that saving for a rainy day will some day save you when you lose your job or your car but that saving isn't the most important thing to do sometimes. I want my kids to know the joy of earning a dollar and the joy of spending a dollar on themselves so that they don't grow up to be the kind of people who act like martyrs in public and grow bitter at home.

There is a certain confidence in knowing that you can be independent and that you will be ok. There is a certain air about a person who knows that they possess skills and that they have value. I want my kids to have that.

I don't ever want my kids to feel like they are waiting to exhale. I don't want them to feel captivated in the moment like they are frozen in time. I want them not to worry, a value they can learn from their father.

As I sit trying to find a job this week I know at least four people who are also looking. People of varying skills, people with different history, people with different personality... some of those people are holding their breath... I can see it in their eyes. They are banking on the unknown in the same way that I am but they aren't as sure they can tread water during high tide.

So I am proud when I see the Christmas display go up and I know that I'll still be having a Christmas. I am proud when the bills come in and I know that they will somehow get paid. I don't know how... but my faith and my history have taught me that it's ok to breath right now and I'm not going to doubt it.

You don't gain anything from waiting to exhale.

Vigilent Watch

I watch for it every day. I listen for it in the quiet. I wait for it to come. Judgment looms just beyond each step I take. My soul cries out so loud that the windows and the doors shake and the neighbors who hear my mournful cry look out their windows into the still night and wonder what could make such a noise. I open my eyes and I am alone with them... my inner demons... we wage war. Their doubt and fear plague me and as I struggle to break free from the brokeness that entangles me I search around me for something solid to hold on to.

There in the dim light of the morning I find peace and forgiveness sleeping next to me and I stare at them both as they snore in chorus and I wonder in silent prayer to God how someone so broken as me deserves a love this pure.

Then it washes over me and I know. This forgiveness, all the forgiveness I have been given in my last months of struggle they are a proof of God's love. He has given it to me so that when I can someday confess my brokeness outloud people will be able to look at it and say... wow if someone that broken can have love... I can have it to.

I could never deserve what I have been given. I could never deserve what I have taken and what I have thrown away. Perhaps knowing that is what saves me most. But, in my dreams they dance around me... shadow figures around a fire in the fog and they laugh... you will never be good enough for this life they mock. Their words stab at me like jagged sticks and pound me till I am weak.

This stone upon my chest. This weight upon my back. It is my burden. It is never light. It is never visible but it is pure. It is the purity that the knowledge of salvation gives us. It is that earth spinning knowledge that despite all faults you are loved. It's scary, it's heavy, it's deep and it is constant. And for it, I am grateful even when I can't find the strength in my soul to acknowledge it.

In my panic, in my anxiety I lose grip on it for only moments. Then I am calmed. I hear the breeze rustle the trees outside or I hear the voice of my father in the back of my head. Sometimes I remember the tastes of my childhood or the sounds of the oceans ever constant waves. Something, something in the silence finds me and lulls me back to sleep. He is there in that moment. In the giggle of my sleeping child or the way my husband can crack a joke at the perfect moment.

He gaves this to me. What will I give back in return?

These are a few of my favorite things

From now until Christmas I am going to try to post a couple of my favorite things for presents or things I've gotten that I loved for those of you out there that are looking for the perfect gift.

I'm going to start with my favorite things for kids because lots of us have kids and it's never too early to learn how to be loved well...err... I mean spoiled.

I should start by saying I really like toys that encourage children to be creative and imaginative. Having said that... I'm not really found of the out right "learning toy". I think children learn plenty no matter what the toy is if you play with them. (Please learning-toy-people do not email how my child will be broken forever... it is a battle you will not win with me.)

Ok so my top toys (in no particular order) for kids under 2 this year are as follows-

1. Wooden blocks- I don't care if it's Lincoln Logs, Duplo blocks or the old fashion wooden blocks. It teaches imagination, hand eye coordination, balance, cause and effect, and you can't outgrow them. When your 7 your G.I. Joes can do battle in them, when your 13 you can use them to make a pyramid for history class. You can share them, you can get them wet, you can combine them with other things and you can't really break them... and if you try to eat them they are high in fiber.

The hundred piece block set by Maxim shown above is available at Amazon for around $14.00.

2. Pretend Houses- Most of my childhood was spent in a plastic Fisher Price kitchen. I served up thousands of plastic pieces of cake and glasses of water from tea pots covered with pink daisies into mugs with handles so small my Grandmother couldn't get her finger into them. I was my own little version of a Mommy in my imagination. The care taker for each little dog. The proud owner of an apron and a broom. If I still have that many vivid memories of playing with my house set... your kid will too.

The Rose Petal Cottage by Hasbro shown above is available at Amazon for around $80.00.

3. Classics every kid needs- Every kid needs a red wagon or a tricycle. My favorites are still the classic ones that you can find by Radio Flyer. Radio Flyer has been making these things since 1917. Anything that has been around since 1917 that kids will still play with has got to be a keeper.

Radio Flyer items are available from the Radio Flyer website and range in price from $20 - $200 depending on style and features.

So those are some of my favorite things. If you would like to post about your favorite things on your website please put a link in the comments and I'll add you to the bottom of this blog. We'll be doing this every Tuesday for a month or so.

That's not my nipple I swear

You know it's a bad day when right after you get up someone throws up in your hair and you don't get to take a shower till that night at 9 pm. Of course, the three other times she threw up on me were more entertaining. I especially liked the time she threw up on me by putting her face into my cleavage and barfing down my shirt. Yes... that was good times right there.

My poor boobs. The only action they've gotten in the last month is cold baby hands seeking warmth and projectile baby barf. It's a wonder they haven't gone on strike.

Combo that with a little nipple confusion. We tried to change bottle brands and boy did that not work. Layla spent last night screaming because she refused to drink from the old bottles or the new bottles. After a short nap at 10 pm she woke up at midnight starving and drank 5 ounces in about 3 minutes, burped and then slept till 4 am. Something about the hubby leaving the house always wakes her up. I wish I knew what it was so I could sleep past 4 am again like I used to a few weeks ago. Granted, she's still sleeping a minimum of 6 hours at a time.

This morning we were in the living room tenatively sucking from an old bottle (it's like she thinks I'll trick her and mid feeding it will turn into a new bottle) and the swing in the living room powered itself on and started swinging at a speed 3. Then the light went off the console when I tried to turn it off but the swing kept swinging. It's been 2 hours and the swing has stopped but you can still hearing it making swing noises.

Creepy much?

Simple Joy

Staying home with your child for a few months can teach you a lot about yourself. I've learned I don't deal well with crying for more than 20 minutes because I'm a sucker. I've learned I curse like a sailor over spilled milk. I've learned oxy-clean is a product of the Gods which removes baby ickies from anything. I've learned how to do three things at once. And I learned to remember that I used to love simple joys.

I used to get great joy out of a windy day. I'd throw my hands out to my sides on the way to school and as I walked down the street I'd spin in the breeze whipping my hair around my face and making me giggle. It made my heart race in the morning to hear that breeze outside the window when I woke up. I loved my cold hands waving around me in the icy air of morning. It was free, pure, innocent fun.

My daughter gets a simple joy from hearing people sing to her. She giggles and coos and watches in wide eyed amazement as you make sounds she loves, whether it be a hummed melody or an off key ballad for her it's the best show off broadway and she'd love nothing more than to hear it over and over again. Throw in the ability to see the ceiling fan at the same time and she'll lay there with her heart racing and her little feet kicking until the end of your final encore performance.

My neice is all about adventure. She loves the next corner before she ever turns it. She wants to be higher, faster, and farther from whereever she has already been. She's always looking for something to get into, something open or close, something to hide behind. She's constantly moving, going as fast as her little flat feet will carry her. You can follow the sound of her flinstone step and her care free giggles from room to room all day.

Her simple joy and the wonder in my daughters eyes have led me back to a more childish time. I hand her oreo cookies with reckless abandon and watch her learn about the adventures of new tastes. Then I take my daughter out into the foggy morning for a minute to let her feel the coldness against her skin and I stand in simple joy watching them learn about those things that are pure, free, innocent fun.

Hopelessly Devoted

This weekend was my daughters baby dedication at our church. It was also the homecoming for Jon and I who haven't been to church since Easter, partially because of baby complications and partially because of bad scheduling and laziness. It was a sweet moment...a reunion filled with showing off our new baby, getting hugged by people we've missed very much and presenting ourselves before everyone as a family that is dedicated to providing the best relationship between our daughter and God.

In Passing

I am always amazed by how deep a person can get into something before they realize they are in over their head. I myself fall victim occassionally to my own temptations, demons, double booking and doubt. I sit around thinking about the next thing instead of focusing on the thing I'm currently doing. Things get lost in the passing of time.

This month I'm trying to keep my focus. I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize. I'm living in the moments of being a new mom and spending a little less time on the phone, out with friends or swallowed up in my own perceptions of what could be important. I've blogged less. I've shared less and I've learned more.

I've learned that I was missing a lot in the passing and some parts of my life were passing me up.

Dreams Jobs

November 1st marks the start of my new journey. Today I dust off the resume and start looking for that dream job that is always just a little out of reach. Before I started my search I made a list of things I need from a job. Not material things like how much money I'll make or what benefits I'd like but that list of things I never really felt like I ever truly got from any of my old jobs. At least, I never got all of them at once.

I want a job where the people I work with want my opinion. I want a job where I get to be creative and where I get recognised when I do creative things. I want a job where I will get to go home from work at the end of the day and enjoy my husband and my daughter with out worrying about something, checking my email or answering calls every single night. I want a job that makes me feel appreciated. Mostly, I want a job that doesn't feel like a job.

Don't we all? I mean I like hard work just as much as the next person but I like to enjoy my hard work. Let me tell you a few things I don't enjoy... I don't enjoy feeling like I'm always in training for the next thing. I want a job where I can be happy with what I'm doing without always thinking about what the next move up the ladder is.

Hopefully, I'll find it. And when I do... I'll tell you all about it.