4 am

At 4:15 am I awake to the sound of my name being repeated over the baby monitor. I stumble, in the dark to her room and find her dry diapered but covered in sweat and tears. But, she never actually cried outloud so baffled I stumble back to my bed baby in hand and climb into a spot which is shaped like an L and blocks her from rolling off the bed. Jon's already at work.

I coax her into laying her head down and for 2 hours we alternate between her sitting up or rolling around and then talking to me in baby talk. She really believes it is morning and at 6 am I give up and let it be morning. We stumble downstairs in the dark and when I put her down she tries to crawl into that new rocking chair again.

I set her in the chair, turn on Jack's Big Music Show and make a sippy cup of milk. She watches for an hour then gets down and walks to me on the couch and tell me... "eat... benana". Ok, so I can totally do that. Half a banana and a half a cup of dry cereal later she wants "awl down" (all done) and waves her hands in the air so I pick her up and take her back the living room to play. But she doesn't play. She crawls to the baby gate and says "ups"

We go upstairs where for the first time in her tiny life she makes the turn towards her room instead of mine willingly and crawls beside her bed. "Nie Nie" she tells me and I put her down for a nite nite nap. "want that" she points at her pacifier on the dresser. Ok.

I turn on the musical fish and live the room. What do I do now? I think. Nap doesn't normally happen for another 1 and a half hours. Our schedule today is ruined. So I pay some bills, take a shower and write a blog.

If I sleep I'll be upset if I have to wake up soon. So I wait. The toll of 4 am weighing heavily on my shoulders and dragging each one of my steps.